Monday, February 18, 2008

Menstrual Muse

You may have seen this before, but I received it in my email today. It is supposed to be an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best web-mail-award-winning letter – or so the email claims. But this lady is hysterical. What a laugh. Please read on......

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a
bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants; which brings me to the reason for my
letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach
inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there,
printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you fucking kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull shit. And that's a promise I will keep. Always!

Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX


Cap'n Ergo "XL+II" Jinglebollocks said...

I remember in college my GF and I went out for pizza at the local 'za joint. She was just starting and the act of simply WALKING was enough to put her thru th' roof.

There was a live DJ in the back where they did dancin', and he said something lewd to some chick who said something I couldn't hear, then the DJ said, "well, take a Mydol, babe!"

the bottom half of his left ear-- that's all they found after 4 hours of searching the mess.

Coffeypot said...

Mr. Lemon, been there, experienced that, had the t-shirt torn off my back.

Cooper Green said...

Wendi's blog has been the last stop on my blogroll for a long time. She still posts about once a week. Her blog is here, and her famous tampon letter is here.

Coffeypot said...

Cooper, that is awesome. Thanks for the info and hurry back. Not bad for such a lying bastard.

GrizzBabe said...

Preach it, Sister! I'll join you in your boycott of Always. Besides, wings are so overated.

Jodi said...

Yeah. Men always understand this stuff.

You go get 'em, sweetheart!


LTYM said...

Hi, Mr. Coffey. Thanks for the nice comment on my blog & for posting the letter. I'm glad you found it funny. And any friend of Coopers...


e.Craig Crawford said...

I do believe that letter makes the point. Hell hath no fury ...

Biddie said...

That was an awesome letter! Somebody had to say it!

Pamela said...

I saw some Christmas Ornaments made out of those things.

Mary Stebbins Taitt said...

Men are like… BANANAS. The older they get the less firm they are.

Lucky for me that BB is more like a green banana than a ripe one. YAY!

The buds are formed by the end of summer, but around here, oak leaves and beech leaves often cling to the branches through some or all of winter.

Old Lady said...

I have seen this before. But she wrote this before they made pads for thongs. Chew on that one a while. (No dammit, not the thong!)

Coffeypot said...

Mary, good for you and way to go BB.

OL, I’ve chewed on worse things in my life. But, thanks to Cooper Green, I have the original author on my blog roll – Wendi Aaron.

Also, in September our Navy Reunion will be held in Charleston and we are thinking of making a trip by river boat to Savannah. Want to meet us for a drink or two?