Redneck Monday - Etiquette

REDNECK ETIQUETTE
*Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
*When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
*Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
*When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
*Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
*Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.
*Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

PERSONAL HYGIENE
*Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.
*If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
*While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
*Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours.
Note: Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.
*While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
*Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
*Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jeweler and alter the taste of finger foods

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
*A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
*Do not allow the dog to eat at the table . . . no matter how good his manners are.
*If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes.

DINING OUT
*When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup & pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
*If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.


DATING (Outside the Family)
*Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
*Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years a go."
*If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration.
*Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00pm; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE
*Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
*Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS
*Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
*Its is not okay for the groom to bring a date to a wedding.
*When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.
*A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but also aproven fly deterrent.
*For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance. Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
*Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges.
*Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
*Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car.
*It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
*Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered tacky to drive a U-*Haul to the funeral home.
*The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if other people are around.
*Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.