Redneck Monday - Another Mo Sayings

Ain’t been ‘round much lately, and ain’t said nary a thing about learning you proper redneck English and such. So pay ‘tention to what I’ma bout to tell ya so‘s you can know if‘en you‘re a Redneck or ain‘t.

(Translation: It’s been awhile since I’ve posted any Redneck Monday teachings, enlightening you to some of our redneck sayings, descriptions and feelings. Therefore, I will bring you up to date on the latest sayings that will give you an idea if you have any redneck leanings or tendencies.)

You know you're a redneck when......

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
5. You think 'The Nutcracker' is a vice on the work bench
6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
12. Your grandmother has 'ammo' on her Christmas list.
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
15 You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
19. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean?
20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say 'Cool Whip' on the side.
24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal Mart.
25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.
28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

Now, what do you think?  You a Redneck or have tendencies toward being one.  I mean, I KNOW you wanna be, but that only comes from the Grace of God.

Redneck Monday - Mo Etiquette

Last Monday I learned you some Redneck Etiquette.  I'm a gonna do some more today. 

Iffin you seed any of these afore, it's my way of testing you to see if you're payin' tention.

Read and Learn!

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.

When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.

When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.

Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.

Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.

If you have to vacuum the bed, it’s time to change the sheets.

While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s own truck keys.

Plucking unwanted nose hair is time consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours.

Note: it’s a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.

DINING OUT
Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their mobile home costs just as much as yours.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes.

DATING (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY)
If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration.

THEATER ETIQUETTE
Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDDINGS
Its is not okay for the groom to bring a date to a wedding.

When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.

A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but also aproven fly deterrent.

A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance.

Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

Now y'all have a good week.  I'll be a sendin' you some more stuff next Monday.
.
.

Redneck Monday - The Last Of The Sayings - Maybe

I think this will end the sayings for awhile. There are other redneck stuff to talk about next week. So untill then, learn and enjoy:

Built like a brick shit house.

Howzyurmamaenthem? (How is your mama and them? - ‘Them’ being the rest of the family, relatives and anyone else closely associated with you.)

God made that there person as uuuugly as He could 'n then kick 'em in the face!

I gotta piss like a Russian race horse at the Kentucky Derby with a glue truck behind him.

The fish stinks from the head down.

You look like ten pounds of smashed assholes packed into a 5 pound bag.

That’s bout as dumb as lighting a match in a sealed room with ol grandma fartbags.

He couldn't hit the broad side of a barn while standing inside with the windows shut.

A couple of bubbles off 'plumb'.

Dumb as a cabbage.

Dumb as a fencepost.

Dumber than a barrel of spit and half as useful.

It was a long time ago, way back when I was knee-high to nothin'.

Just because your cat had her kittens in the oven doesn't make them muffins.

He's the meanest old bastard who ever shit behind shoe leather.

The last time I saw a mouth that big it had a hook in it.

He was banging her like a screen door in a hurricane.

I'll be back in a few, I have to drop the browns off at the super bowl.

He's slower than a two legged coon dog on a Monday morning.

Don't hate me 'cause I’m beautiful, hate me 'cause yer boyfriend thinks so!!

That boy's as country as a baked bean sandwich!

Always remember, you will go to Hell for lying just as well stealing.

She is pruder than a new sheep on the farm.

It's colder than a polar bears toe nails.

Cooler than a cat covered in puke.

He's almost as smart as people say he thinks he is.

Boy, when you got nuthin' to say, you say it.

It's cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.

It's cold enough to freeze the brass off a bald monkey.

I locked that thing up tighter than Casey's nuts.

About as sharp as a rat turd on both ends.

Wishing and hoping don't get you any toys on Christmas.

That made me happpy'er than a tornado in a trailer park.

She was so ugly, she could have trick or treated over the telephone.

That boy's momma shoulda hit him in the head and sold the milk!

I'd eat the corn out of her shit.

I'd drink her bath water.

It ain't nothing but a piss ant in the big ant hill of life.

Every day is just a role of the dice, and snake eyes is just a way of life.

Scared money don't win, boys.

Till next week then...
.
.

Redneck Monday - Again With The Sayings

Well, it’s that time of the week again, peeps. More sayings to help you along life’s path. Enjoy and learn. Ya never know when I throw in a pop quiz.

Like trying to nail Jello to a tree.

Hard liquor and a hammer oughta fix that

A cat always blinks when you hit it on the head with a sledgehammer.

The more you cry, the less you have to piss.

If it were up to me, I'd take Heaven for the climate and Hell for the company.

Sure, drinking kills brain cells - but only the weak ones.

If stupid could fly, you'd be a jet.

Slightly burned out, but still smokin'.

I'm mad enough to drown puppies.

Five gallons of shit in a 2 gallon bucket.

Just 'cause the cat had'er kittens in the oven, don't make'em biscuits! (referring to
Yankees coming down south).

She's so skinny, she look's like a gut with the shit slug out of it.

Her mouth is going like a bell clappin out of a goose's ass.

I'll be dipped in bacon fat, before I do that.

He’s shakin’ like an old dog shittin’ logging chains.

Coffee in a can, sugar in a cup, poke her in the butt you wont knock her up.

That is harder to find than a white bean in a black cat's ass.

Wound tighter than a three day clock.

I was stuck hub deep to a ferris wheel.

Stuck so bad I had to get a four wheel drive helicopter to pull my truck out!

Messed up like a kite in a hail storm!

Happier than a woodpecker in a lumber yard!

She was all over that like a bad rash on a big ass.

Busier than a blind dog in a meat house.

Dumber then a coal bucket.

I could eat the ass end out of a rag doll.

It's hotter than two dogs fucking in an attic on a hot august day.

I haven't had this much fun since the pigs ate my brother.

I don't know what I drank last night, but my mouth tastes like the bottom of a birdcage.

It's colder than a ...bankers' heart.

Riding in a car with a crazy driver..."I was chewin' buttonholes."

How are you driving? "I'm keepin' her between the ditches.

Screamed Like A Mashed Cat.

Harder than a wedding dick.

Busier than a one-armed paper hanger with jock itch.

Stuck tighter than snot on a hot oven door.

He's tighter than a piss-ant's ass stretched over a 50 gal barrel.
.
.

Redneck Monday - Proverbs and 10 Commandments

There are many rules in life and some of these rules are derived from proverbs. Here are a few of those proverbs that may help you get through life.

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on. the. spot.

4. 99 % of lawyers give the rest a bad name

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, THINKS SLOWEST.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psych-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. Ok, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, your're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'

22. Just remember--if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chololates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today may burn your butt tomorrow.

And fer you religious types outthar that may wind up in a rural church, you may need to understad the simplicity of the language. So to help you better understand, here is a redneck version of the 10 Commandments.

1. Jest One God
2. Honor Yer Ma and Pa
3. No Tellin’ Tails or Gossipin’
4. Get Yea Self To Sunday Meetin’
5. Put Nuttin Afore God
6. No Foolin Around Wif Another Dudes Gal.
7. No Killin’ - Even If’en They Need It
8. Watch Ya Mouth
9. Don’t Take What Ain’t yourns
10. Don’t Be Hankering For Your Buddy’s Stuff

That help any? Should! If not...your stupid.
.
.

Redneck Monday - Old Farmer's Advice

When I started Redneck Monday I told you peeps, and I’m telling you new peeps, that knowing a redneck is a good thing. Redneck and Hillbillies are the backbone of this country.

They are your best friend and your worst enemy. They are loyal, loving, caring, giving, religious and patriotic to a fault. They will be there with food and clothes in your time of need. And will help you fix anything that needs fixing. Some are not well educated, but are the smartest people on earth. They know life.

There is no p/c bullshit with them, either. What you see is what you get. They will tell you like it is and expect the same from you. They may get mad and hit you, but they will also pick you up and buy you a beer.

Hillbillies are the people who run the hills, operate the stills, run the garages and filling stations, build your homes and pave your roads. They work with their hands and use tools and equipment.

Rednecks, on the other hand, are your farmers and others who work outside where the sun beats down own their necks - thus the red neck moniker. Some hillbillies cross over into the redneck line because of being outside. But regardless, they are good to know.

One of the best known and respected redneck is the farmer. The lovers and cultivators of the land and who provide our grocry needs. These men are men of wisdom and sage. To prove my point, here are a few farmer sayings that could help you through life.

Old Farmer's Advice:

Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.

Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.

Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.

Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.

Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.

Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

You cannot unsay a cruel word.

Every path has a few puddles.

When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

The best sermons are lived, not preached.

Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.

Don't judge folks by their relatives.

Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer..

Live a good, honorable life.. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.

Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none.

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a Rain dance.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.

There, now. Don't cha feel a little smarter?
.
.

Redneck Monday - Mo Sayings

Damn!

Got befuddled acause of the holiday and fergot it be Monday.

Sorry!

So here tis:

About BBQ: if you go away clean you ain't eatin' it right.

Why fart and waste it when you can burp and taste it?

She's faster than a striped assed ape.

That's LOWER then a mole's belly button on digging day!

He's as full of shit as a Christmas turkey.

He's the meanest SOB ever to shit behind shoe leather.

That smells like the shithouse door on a shrimp boat.

That's sharper than a mother-in-law's tongue.

Well butter my butt and call me a biscuit!

If you can sleep with 'em, I can eat with 'em!

It's my Mother's fault. I was never like this 'till I was born.

She has more chins than a Chinese phone book.

I'm so horney I'd do a snake if it didn't have teeth!!!

Your mother's so stupid, she thinks cheerios are donut seeds!

I'm so mad I could spit! (only ladies say this)

He jumped on that like a duck on a June bug.

That guy is as Nellie as pink ink with a voice that would chip paint.

Your uglier than a burning up donkey in the middle of winter

We was fishin' on that lake, an' it come up a cloud an' the bottom dropped out!
(Interpretation: "We were fishing, and got caught in a downpour.")

It's hotter than the hinges of hell.

Madder than a one legged woman at the IHOP. (I don’t know either)

I’m having more fun than a tornado in a trailer park.

Boy you got about as much sense as god gave a goose.

The only thing that separates you from White Trash is your rich husband!

If it can't be cooked with bacon grease, it ain't worth fixin', let alone eatin'.

Faster than a cat can lick its ass.

Warped like a dogs hind leg.

Well Hell yes it's hard for him to understand 'cause he's always got both ass-cheeks wrapped around his ears!

Redneck Monday - Redneck Songs and Sayings

Rednecks are the sensitive type, too. We love our music and we sing from the bottom of our hearts about life’s journey. Here are 25 of the greatest Redneck Ballards.

25) Git your Tongue Outta My Mouth Cuz I'm Kissin ya Goodbye
24) Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Hart Was Pure
23) How Can I Miss Ya If You Won't Go Away?
22) I Don't Know Whether to Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
21) I Bought A Car Frum A Guy Who Stole My Girl, But It Don't Run, So We're Even
20) I Keep Furgittin' I Furgot About You
19) I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
18) I Still Miss Ya Baby, But My Aim's Gittin' Better
17) I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fite, Cuz I'm Afraid She'd Win
16) I'll Marry Ya Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight
15) I'm So Miserable Without Ya, It's Like Havin' You Here
14) I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin' On My Back And Cryin' Over You
13) If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
12) If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now
11) Mama Git a Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
10) My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You
9) My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
8) Please Bypass This Heart
7) She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger
6) You Done Tore Out My Heart and Stomped That Sucker Flat
5) You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
4) If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
3) She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Doubles
2) She's Looking Better After Every Beer
... and the number 1 Redneck song of all time. . .
1) How Come My Dog Don’t Bark When You Come Around
(actually, some of these are real songs)


And one of the hottest redneck gals in the world is my honey, Maxine. She says, “As You Slide Down the Bannister of Life - Remember…”

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written An impressive new book. It's called - 'Ministers Do More Than Lay People'

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink And be Mary..

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss, the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning, One brilliant FLASH and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes - now there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just Vending machines and a large trash can.

11. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment...for enjoying sex.

12. As you slide down the banister of life, may The splinters never point the wrong way.

13. My idea of a Super Bowl is a toilet that cleans itself.


Be who you are and say what you feel... because those that matter don't mind... and those that mind don't matter!

Redneck Monday - More Useful Sayings

I have been a slacken in my Monday Redneck stuff. Been on vacation and stuff and just got a little behind (more flat than little - oh - not that kind of behind - sorry) and having to catchen up to do. So her are few sayens we use on a daily bases. Y’all have a good’un, yah hear.

Her behind looks like a couple of squirrels fightin' over an acorn in a gunny sack.

That boy was shaking like a dog shittin' hammer handles.

That truck couldn't pull a spoon out of a cats ASS!

WHEN IT'S RAINING HARD YOU SAY....IT'S COMIN' A TURD FLOATER!

She's got an ass like a ford 9". (Don’t know what this means either. Never heared of it afore)

He's dumber than two sacks of hair.

Don't let your alligator mouth overload your mockingbird butt.

I have three speeds: on, off, and don't push your luck.

You could give her Heaven and Earth - she'd still want a tater patch in hell.

You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you can't wipe your
friends on your saddle.

That boy ain't the smartest peanut in the turd.

She ain't too purdy, but she can cook like hell.

She's so hot I could jump on her like a rat on a chetto.

Whatever cranks your tractor.

Slicker than shit through a tin horn.

That’s about as useful as suckin’ on a titty through a sweatshirt!

I don’t understand, so I disagree.

Colder then day old penguin shit.

That means about as much to me as a strawberry up a bear's butt.

That would tear the twist in the back of your crutch out.

Sis on you Pister, you ain't so muckin' fuch!

Why don’t you take a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut!

If duct tape don't fix'r then you're not using enough duct tape.

Hope this holds you for a few days.

Redneck Monday - Redneck and Jedi Jokes

(Redneck 6 Pack)

It's the way you say it:
A University of Georgia student was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays.

He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed.

He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line, "Where does you go to school?"

The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, but did answer his question.

"Yale," she replied.

The Georgia student took a big, deep breath and shouted, "WHERE DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL??"

Eucalyptus Road:
Sue Ellen passed away so Billy Bob called 911. The operator promised to send someone out immediately and asked him where he lived.

"Right at the end of Eucalyptus Road," Billy Bob replied.

"Could you spell that for me please?" the operator asked.

After a very lengthy pause Billy Bob said, "How 'bout I just drag her on over to Pine Street and y'all can pick her up there?"

Getting The Story Straight:
When a man in Macon, Georgia came upon a wild dog attacking a young boy, he quickly grabbed the animal and throttled it with his two hands.

A reporter saw the incident, congratulated the man and told him the headline the following day would read, "Local Man Saves Child by Killing Vicious Animal."

The hero, however, told the journalist that he wasn't from Macon.

"Well, then," the reporter said, "the headline will probably say, "Georgia Man Saves Child by Killing Dog."

"Actually," the man said, "I'm from Connecticut."

"In that case," the reporter said in a huff, "the headline will read, "Yankee Kills Family Pet."

I Love You:
English..... I Love You
Spanish..... Te Amo
French...... Je T'aime
German...... Ich Liebe Dich
Japanese.... Ai Shite Imasu
Italian..... Ti Amo

Redneck..... Nice Tits

Redneck Morals:
The out-of-state couple are camping on the shores of a lake near a tiny hamlet.

The young wife, stunningly built, decides to give the local town folk a thrill by sun bathing in the nude.

"That's OK with me, honey," says her husband. "I'll go get some wood for the fire."

About thirty minutes later, the husband returns to the campsite and finds his wife in tears. One of her breasts has been painted green, the other red and her ass is blue.

"What on earth happened to you dear?" he asks.

"Some of those rednecks from town came over and told me they don't allow any nakedness around these parts. Then they gave me this paint job!"

"Damn those trouble-makers! I'll fix them!" the husband shouts.

He rides into town and finds the rednecks in a bar.

"Who is the SOB who painted my wife red, green and blue!" he shouts.

A huge redneck, about 6'-8," steps forward, a shotgun in his hand. "I did it," he bellows. "What you got to say about it?"

The husband answers meekly, "I just wanted you to know the first coat of paint is dry."

Redneck Jedi:
You know you're a redneck Jedi when:

You hear, "Luke, I am your father... and your uncle..."

You ever said the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."

Your Jedi robe is camouflage.

You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.

At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.

You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.

The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.

Wookiees are offended by your B.O.

You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.

You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.

You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light up.

You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.

You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts.

You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.

Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.

You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.

You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.

Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."

Redneck Monday - Goofie Sayings

Here are a few more sayings us good old boys (and some gals) like to say during the course of a conversation. I know, I know, they are great and you can use them anytime you need to make a cool statement or put an emphases to your yammering.

No thanks you’s are necessary either. It is my pleasure and my aim to keep you educated.


That girls jeans are tight enough to see Lincoln smiling on the penny in her pocket.

You're slower than molasses on a cold day.

That’s slicker than greased goose shit.

That’s slicker than snot on a doorknob.

Slicker than a minnow’s dick.

Slicker than two eels fuckin’ in a bucket of snot.

This old truck wouldn’t pull a slick prick out of a lard bucket.

Slicker than otter snot.

As slick as cat shit on linoleum.

It’s drier than a popcorn fart.

I don't play—I quit school ’cause of recess.

I was so nervous I didn't know whether to scratch my watch or wind my butt.

She was battin' her eyes like a toad in a hailstorm.

You walk slower then turtles fucking in molasses.

His pants were so tight, if he'd a farted it'd blow his boots off.

Well, I'd smack the fire out of 'em if they acted that way around me.

That's worthless as chicken shit on the pump handle.

Heavier than a dead preacher.

Ain't gotta pot to piss in let alone a window to throw it out.

I'm up to my ass in alligators.

He didn't know who's weeds he was pissing in.

That's as hard to do as trying to put butter up a wildcat's ass with a hot poker!

She has two speeds. Slow and stop.

That boy is so ugly he couldn't get laid in a whore house with a fist full of hundreds.

That girl is like a doorknob...everyone gets a turn.

Ashes to ashes and dust to dust if it wasn't for women our peckers would rust.

He looks greener than gourd guts.

I'd fight tigers in the dark with a switch for a night with him.

I'd rather stare directly at the sun with binoculars than ...

He's the biggest liar who ever shit behind shoe leather.

That smells like the shithouse door on a shrimp boat.

It's cold enough to freeze the balls off a pool table.

That would gag a maggot on a gut wagon.

It was hanging open like a pea-coat sleeve.

Don't worry too much about it. Just do all you can do and let the rough end drag.

Let's make like a cow turd and hit the trail.

If you don't use your head, you might as well have two asses.

Duct tape is like "The Force." It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

I'm so hungry, every time I swallow my asshole says thank you.

It's hotter than two hamsters fucking in a wool sock.

If I had a swing like that I would ride it every night.

Can't swing a dead cat without hitting a Wal-Mart.

That made my nuts draw up so tight you couldn't reach them with knittin' needles.

It's hotter than the hinges of hell.

I thought we were tighter than midget pussy.

His dick was so hard a cat couldn't scratch it.