Still In St. Louis But Thinking Of My Peeps

I'm still in St. Louis but will be going home tomorrow, so there will not be a Redneck Monday - I don't think.

But this has been the greatest weekend I had in many a day. Haven't laughed this much since Max Cleland (the triple amputee who blew his own legs and arm off with a grenade in Nam - and was even worse in the Senate) got voted out of office. He was pissed about it and the more he cried the more I laughed. Well this weekend was even funnier. I was with Travis, Ed, Jeff, Sue, Barb and Daffy. Some of the funniest people to party with, and best looking women in the blogdom world. I’ll post more about it when I can get home and download some pictures.

In the meantime, I will leave you with this little ditty.

Meet Me In St Louis

Tomorrow is the day I get to meet some crazy, funny, awesome bloggers.

Don’t look above. Not looking? Good!

Guess where we are meeting? Nope! It’s St. Louis. In Missouri.

On the Mississippi. The river, not the state.

Travis, Ed, Daffy, rxBambi, Barb of Sassy & Ginger Chronicles, and many more.

And after tomorrow I can truly say, “Been there, Done that, and Got a T-Shirt For It.”

I’ll try to post from there, too, if I am sober enough or have the time, and I’ll take a few pictures to be posted later.

I know you are all jealous and envious and coveting my ass and stuff, but deal with it. I’m gonna have a good time.

See ya when I can.

***AND DON'T FORGET TO WEAR RED ON FRIDAYS IN SUPPORT OF THE TROOPS***
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This Old Dog Is Lucky - He Met Amber

This is my daughter, Dr. Amber, holding one of her broken dogs. This little guy was running down the road when Amber saw him. As usual, she stops of any loose dogs and checks for id. This one not only had no id, but his jaw is broken.

He cannot close it and Amber has to feed it soft food so he can lick it up. He is so sweet, but they are having a hard time saving him. He is old, has bad teeth that has the bone infected and they don't know how long the jaw has been like this. She and another vet are trying to clear up the infection so they can build a muzzle type brace for his jaw - tight enough to hold it, but loose enough so he can eat and drink.

This is the type of stuff she does. She has no office to practice, though she does have an operating room in an industrial building. She goes all over North Georgia doing low cost spay and neutering for the county shelters.

When she goes into a shelter, she goes to the death room and chooses dogs that are adoptable, fixes them and sends them to NY on my dog trips.

She runs a nonprofit organization and can use donations. If you have the urge, go to leftoverpets.org and give a little love (the dollar kind - she gets the emotional kind from me, Judy and her boyfriend, Bob).

Thanks, and keep your fingers crossed for the old guy.

My Kind Of Gal

My kind of girl...

A teacher asks an Arkansas Redneck Girl to use "handsome" in a sentence.

She says, "When I'm suckin' dick and my jaw gets sore I use my handsome."

So sweet...brings tears to my eyes.


Now I have nothing against Arkansas, peeps.

I just thought this was as funny as Obama being a Christian.
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Three Old Ladies In The Park

I was walking in the park the other day and saw these three mischievous old Grandmas sitting on a bench. As I walked by one of the old gals yelled out saying, 'John, we bet we can tell exactly how old you are.'

I snorted and said, 'There is no way you can guess it, you old fools.'

One of the old ladies said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age.'

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, I dropped my pants and drawers (extremely glad I had no ‘hash marks’ to exhibit.)

The old hags asked me to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times. Then they all piped up and said, 'You're 65 years old!'

Standing there with my pants down around my ankles (enjoying the breeze), I was dumbfound and asked, 'How in the world did you ever guess?'

Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies yelled in unison, 'We were at your birthday party yesterday!'

I had the last laugh, though. My birthday party was last week.

*****

Does this look familiar ladies?

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British Airways Alternate Commercial

You frequent flyers out there might appreciate this little ditty.

Redneck Monday - Redneck and Jedi Jokes

(Redneck 6 Pack)

It's the way you say it:
A University of Georgia student was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays.

He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed.

He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line, "Where does you go to school?"

The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, but did answer his question.

"Yale," she replied.

The Georgia student took a big, deep breath and shouted, "WHERE DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL??"

Eucalyptus Road:
Sue Ellen passed away so Billy Bob called 911. The operator promised to send someone out immediately and asked him where he lived.

"Right at the end of Eucalyptus Road," Billy Bob replied.

"Could you spell that for me please?" the operator asked.

After a very lengthy pause Billy Bob said, "How 'bout I just drag her on over to Pine Street and y'all can pick her up there?"

Getting The Story Straight:
When a man in Macon, Georgia came upon a wild dog attacking a young boy, he quickly grabbed the animal and throttled it with his two hands.

A reporter saw the incident, congratulated the man and told him the headline the following day would read, "Local Man Saves Child by Killing Vicious Animal."

The hero, however, told the journalist that he wasn't from Macon.

"Well, then," the reporter said, "the headline will probably say, "Georgia Man Saves Child by Killing Dog."

"Actually," the man said, "I'm from Connecticut."

"In that case," the reporter said in a huff, "the headline will read, "Yankee Kills Family Pet."

I Love You:
English..... I Love You
Spanish..... Te Amo
French...... Je T'aime
German...... Ich Liebe Dich
Japanese.... Ai Shite Imasu
Italian..... Ti Amo

Redneck..... Nice Tits

Redneck Morals:
The out-of-state couple are camping on the shores of a lake near a tiny hamlet.

The young wife, stunningly built, decides to give the local town folk a thrill by sun bathing in the nude.

"That's OK with me, honey," says her husband. "I'll go get some wood for the fire."

About thirty minutes later, the husband returns to the campsite and finds his wife in tears. One of her breasts has been painted green, the other red and her ass is blue.

"What on earth happened to you dear?" he asks.

"Some of those rednecks from town came over and told me they don't allow any nakedness around these parts. Then they gave me this paint job!"

"Damn those trouble-makers! I'll fix them!" the husband shouts.

He rides into town and finds the rednecks in a bar.

"Who is the SOB who painted my wife red, green and blue!" he shouts.

A huge redneck, about 6'-8," steps forward, a shotgun in his hand. "I did it," he bellows. "What you got to say about it?"

The husband answers meekly, "I just wanted you to know the first coat of paint is dry."

Redneck Jedi:
You know you're a redneck Jedi when:

You hear, "Luke, I am your father... and your uncle..."

You ever said the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."

Your Jedi robe is camouflage.

You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.

At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.

You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.

The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.

Wookiees are offended by your B.O.

You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.

You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.

You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light up.

You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.

You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts.

You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.

Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.

You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.

You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.

Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."

Sister For Sale

Sorry, no postings lately. I’m fighting some Bronchitis and my head feels like it is in a clamp. Coughing, and sniffing and aching. So I have been in the bed most of the day and have a trip planned back to NY, Carmel this time, tomorrow. So I am drugging it up and sleeping as much as I can.

Back in February my sister passed out from low sugar and somehow cut a gash in her leg (probably on a bed spring or corner. It was about three inches long and all the way to the bone. ER tried to sew it up but couldn’t, so she was transferred to the Wound Center at Wellstar Kennestone Hospital. They do not sew up wounds there, but they do medicate and wrap the leg and clean it out every week. So my brother, Sister Stephen, and I take her every week to get it worked on. It now looks like a 38 bullet hole and is getting better. She had to go today.

But because I am sick, Stephen had to take her by himself. Mary is 78 and has to use a walker, and if she moves too fast she gets dizzy. Well, they were working their way out the door to the garage, Stephen had set the lock and had turned to put her pocketbook on the top of the car. Mary fell, hit the door on the way down and it slammed on her little finger. The finger is not only broken, but the meat was pulled off the bone.

Stephen could hear her saying “Open the door, I fell.” but didn’t know she was hurt until he got back in the house. He had to lean into the door to slid her along the floor so he could get in. He called me because I seem to be the only one who can talk to her when she is in a mood. She knows I won’t take any of her shit. Anyway, she refused to go to the emergency room, only to the wound center. I told her that her time slot had already been filled (lie but who cares) and that Kim (the RN who works on her) said she couldn’t do anything until she got her finger fixed.

Mary was afraid to go to the hospital because she thought they would keep her. So I told Stephen, over the phone, to take her to an area emergency clinic about three miles away. She threw a shit fit (all this time sitting in the floor) that she would ONLY go to the emergency room. Stephen and I started laughing at her and then she started laughing.

She was still in the floor because Stephen has Parkinson’s and no strength to lift her off the floor, and we were afraid for me to be around her as she is so susceptible to getting what ever you have. And that is all she needs now.

So Stephen called her son, David, who still lives with her. He came from work, got her up and into the car and took her to the ER. She refused to let us call 911 for an ambulance.

She is a joy. Anyone want her? Cheap! I’m thinking Craig’s List.

Has Senility Finally Arrived

(The box aound his neck says, "Now take a left at the end of the hall...)
The Caption says, "ONSTAR for the Senile"



Has senility arrived? Am I ready for it? I don’t know. I hope not, and I will fight it…oh, pretty flowers…huh? Oh, yeah! I’ll fight it to the end - if I can remember to fight.

Let me explain.

It was real cool today and when I went to the Waffle House for my coffee and what ever eats I felt like having, so I put the heater on and pushed the button that circulates the air inside the car (cools off faster in A/C and heats up faster by re-heating the same air.)

I also have a cold with a spot in the middle of my sternum the size of a baseball that explodes every time I cough. So I stopped at the CVS and got some cough suppressant and a tube of super glue to fix this thing that needed fixing.

I got home about 1:30, brought everything in, but said a few words to the neighbor lady walking her dog first.

My step-son, Steven, came home for his lunch break around 5:30, called me on the cell phone to see if I was going somewhere because he was parking behind me. I told him I wasn’t going anywhere for about an hour but would be leaving around 6:00 or so.

So he said, “Why is your truck running?”

“What?”

“Your truck is running.”

I laughed and told him I must have forgotten to turn it off when I got home some 4 fucking hours ago??!!??! “Well, will you turn it off?”

He chuckled and said, “Sure…OMG it has to be 200 derees in here. Your heater is going full blast. It even too hot to touch the keys.” He turned it off and jerked the keys out and dropped them on the seat.

At least I think that is how it went. Maybe it was a dream from my nap. No…I didn’t have a nap - that I know of.

This sux. I’m not ready for this shit. I have to go to NY this Thursday and to St. Louis for a blogger meet-up next week. Or did I dream that, too?

Does anyone out there know for sure? I would appreciate it if you would let me know. I’ll try to remember this so I’ll know what you are talking about.

Thanks!
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Toot Tones

This is cute but not practical for me.
I would blow that sucker through my pants and have it buried in a wall.
Or kill someone walking behind me.
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Cellphone Karma

Redneck Monday - Redneck Jokes

REDNECK PROM

A Few Redneck Jokes

Two redneck guys go on a fishing trip.
They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods.

They spend a fortune.

The first day they go fishing, but they don’t catch anything.

The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day.

It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

As they’re driving home they’re really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, “Clete, do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?”

Astonished, Clete says, “Wow! It’s a good thing we didn’t catch any more!”
*****

“Hello, is this the FBI?”

“Yes. What do you want?”

“I’m calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood.”

“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left. The phone rings at Billy Bob’s house.

“Hey Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?”

“Yeah!”

“Did they chop your firewood?”

“Yep.”

“Happy Birthday Buddy”
*****

A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Jackson to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number.

The Redneck says, “I want my $20 million.”

The man replied, “No, sir. It doesn’t work that way. We give you a million today and then you’ll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years.”

The Redneck said, “Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it.”

Again, the man explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.

The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, “Look, I want my money! If you’re not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!”
*****

A visiting professor at Texas A & M University is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" 15 students raise their hands.

"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further.....Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium.

The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."

The student replies, "Ghost? Damn..... From back there I thought you said 'goats'!"
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Racing Jesus - No Use

Man's Best Friend At The Beach

NO! This is not me and one of my transport dogs.
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It’s that time again. Heading for New York tonight. Be back Saturday (though I might logon Friday night if I’m not too tired - 36 to 38 hours without sleep.)

See ya, later.

More Marvin

(click to biggersize it)
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Nitro Fishing

MARVIN My Newest Hero

We all know of Maxine and how snaky she can be.

Well meet Marvin, the male answer to Miss Maxine and my newest hero.

We have a lot in common - attitude wise.




Ain't he da bomb?
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Jimmy's Happy Now

"The President Who Never Met A Dictator He Didn't Like"
But Obama Bows To Them.

Redneck Monday - Top 15 Songs and A Wedding

Top 15 Redneck Songs for 2010

1. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
2. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
3. I Can’t I Miss You Until You‘re Gone!
4. I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well
5. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
6. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
7. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight
8. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like Having You Here
9. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now
10. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him
11. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
12. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
13. Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure
14. She's Looking Better After Every Beer
15. I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women, but I've Sure Woke Up With A Few.

A Redneck Honeymoon


A hillbilly man and his new teen bride were on their honeymoon. The husband jumps into bed to wait for his wife to get herself ready.

The wife comes out of the bathroom in a sexy negligee and says "Honey, I gotta ask you sumthin'. Be gentle with me 'cause I'm a virgin."

The man cusses, grabs his clothes and rushes out of the house yelling at the top of his lungs. He heads straight to his fathers house.

When he gets there, his father says, "Son, what in tarnation're you doin' here, dang it? You're supposed ta be on your honeymoon with your new gal bride."

The son says, "Pa, she told me a big secret of hers. She's a virgin, durn it!"

"Damn, son. You did the right thing by leaving. If she ain't good enough for her own family, she sure as hell ain't good enough for ours!"