TMI THURSDAY - NOT

Today Is TMI Thursday - And I Have Nothing!



OKAY! OKAY! (arms out front moving up and down palms down)

That's enough folks.

Okay!

Enough!

HEY! SHUT THE FUCK UP!

Thank you!

I have spent the last two days running my sister to and from the doctors, running around doing stuff and I just haven't had time to think of anything to tell you. Boring life I tell ya.

Anytrip, today I am on my monthly transport trip to NY through all the rain, ice and snow and stuff.

Again, I am so fucking happy. But I will be back Saturday, though I will check in on y'all Friday night.

RePost of I Don't Look Good Naked Anymore

I posted this two years ago, but I think most of us...uh...you can relate.



See??!!??

Grandma's Birth Control Pills

A doctor had been seeing an 75 year old woman for most of her adult life. He finally retired.

At the lady's next checkup, her new doctor told her to bring in all of her medications that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.

The young doctor said, "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?"

"Yes, they help me sleep at night." she replied.

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these pills that could possibly help you sleep," said the doctor.

The lady then reached out and patted the young doctor's knee and said, "Yes dear, I know that. But every morning I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old grand-daughter drinks...and believe me, it helps me sleep at night."

Grandma's...you gotta love 'em!

Lurker Caught On Camera

Today I tracked down a Lurker at the Waffle House in Powder Springs and got a picture of her before she could get away.

They are out there folks, but this one thought she could get away with it by posting comments on mine, and some of my peeps sites as well as some others that I have yet to identify by showing a picutre and handle without a blog.

She goes by the handle, Miss Em.

Actually she was quiet pleasant and entertaining. She comes from a military family and enjoys reading the milblogs. She has yet to start her on blog, but is thinking about starting one.

I ask, since she likes reading the milblogs, how she found me and she said something, I believe, about Googling for a 6’4”, 230 lbs hunk of hicky bate and my blog popped up. Either that or she found me through a link on someone’s else’s blog. I can’t remember which one she said.

So be on the look out for her when she gets her blog up and running.


This one shows the scraggly beard I am trying to cultivate. Maybe one day, sometime this year, it will grow out to look like something other than a wino's scruff.

(also you can click on the pictures to bigger size them)
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Ask - Never Assume

His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' , he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'

The Clothing Dirve by Bud Light

For you volunteers out there...

You're welcome!

L.A. Fire Chief Remarks About House Fire

I assume this is true. You California peeps can verify to the validity.

L.A. Fire Chief Remarks, in South Los Angeles, about a 4-plex house destroyed by a fire.

A Nigerian family of six con artists lived on the first floor, and all six died in the fire.

An Islamic group of seven welfare cheats, all illegally in the country from Kenya, lived on the second floor, and they, too, all perished in the fire.

6 LA, Hispanic, Gang Banger, ex-cons, lived on the 3rd floor and they, too, died.

A lone, white couple lived on the top floor. The couple survived the fire.

Jesse Jackson, John Burris and Al Sharpton were furious. They flew into LA and met with the fire chief, on camera. They loudly demanded to know why the Blacks, Black Muslims and Hispanics all died in the fire and only the white couple lived?

The fire chief said, "They were at work."

Redneck Monday - The Census

This is the year of the CENSUS. It is suppose to give, what use to be, the Government and is now OBAMANATION a clear picture of the country. But no Census would be correct if it didn't adjust to every section of the country. Here is the Redneck Census:

REDNECK CENSUS FORM

Last name: ________________

(Check appropriate box)
First name:
[_] Billy-Bob
[_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe
[_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray
[_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue
[_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae
[_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack
[_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)

Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure

Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation:
[_] Farmer
[_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser
[_] Waitress
[_] Un-employed
[_] Dirty Politician

Spouse's Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________
3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________

Lover's Name: __________________________
2nd Lover's Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse:
[_] Sister
[_] Aunt
[_] Brother
[_] Uncle
[_] Mother
[_] Son
[_] Father
[_] Daughter
[_] Cousin
[_] Pet

Number of children living in household: ___

Number of children living in shed: ___

Number of children that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: _______________________

Father's Name: _______________________(If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)

Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ kitchen
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ shed

Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_

Number of road kills presently in your freezer?
[ ] 3
[ ] 5
[ ] 10 or more

Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer
[_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide
[_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO

___ Number of times you've seen Elvis

___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not Applicable

How many teeth? ___

Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow
[_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown
[_] Black
[_] N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
[_] Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile
[_] 2 miles
[_] don't know

I Got GLOB'ed Today

My buddy, ScoMan, presented this award to me.

I guess he thinks I deserve it because I am always talking about pussy, and periods and fucking and how big a man’s dick is and stuff. (Tears welling up)

I, sigh, will take this award and post it with all the pride of a man who is confident in his man hood. I do have one don’t I? A manhood? I mean, I do pee standing up (sometimes) and I pee off the deck at night. I like beer! And naked women. And pussy. I love pussy. But so does a lesbian. But I am very confident I am more of a man than Rosie O’Donnell. Aren’t I? Sure I am.

I would pass the award along to CI Roller Dude, but I’m sure he would hunt me down and slice my throat. So, instead, and very seriously, I pass it along to ALL the ladies on my blog roll. Young, old, slim or fat, you are hawt to me. So take this award with more confidence than I showed. You deserve it. AND I WANT TO SEE IT POSTED ON YOUR SITE, TOO. Or I will hunt you down and beat you with my purse.

DIFFERENCDE BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN

THERE IS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN
SEE A FEW EXAMPLES BELOW FOR YOURSELF

Pee Standing Up - Just Like Your Man - OH YEAH!

**ANOTHER PUBLIC SERVICE ANOUNCEMENT BROUGHT TO YOU BY YOUR LOVING, CARING FRIEND, COFFEYPOT**
Women are now able to stand and pee.




This is good for the ladies as some public toilet seats are so dirty and unhygienic.

You’re Welcome!

ps: Another thought:

If you don't use it to pee, hubs can use it to add oil to the car, lawnmower or boat.
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OPEN LETTER TO THE DEMOCRATS

Opne Letter To The Deomcrats

'NUF SAID!
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A Drug Problem

(Meth Lab Bedroom)

The following has been on the internet and read by many people. Perhaps you have read it, too. If not, enjoy. If you have, enjoy it again.

The other day someone at a store in our small town read that a Methamphetamine lab had been found in an old in a adjoining county and asked the rhetorical question, “Why didn’t we have a drug problem when you and I were growing up?”

I replied, “I had a drug problem when I was young: I was drug to church on Sunday morning. I was drug to church for weddings and funerals. I was drug to family reunions and community socials no matter the weather.

I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults. I was drug into the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents, told a lie, brought home a bad report card, did not speak with respect, spoke ill of the teacher or the preacher, or if I didn’t put forth my best effort in everything that was asked of me.

I was drug to the kitchen sink to have my mouth washed out with soap if I uttered a profanity. I was drug out to pull weeds in mom’s garden and flower beds, and cockleburs out of dad’s fields. I was drug to the homes of family, friends and neighbors to help out some poor soul who had no one to mow the yard, repair the clothes line, or chop some firewood, and if my mother ever known that I took a dime as a tip for this kindness, she would have drug me back to the woodshed.

Those drugs are still in my veins and the affect my behavior in everything I do, say or think. They are stronger than cocaine, crack or heroin; and if today’s children had this kind of drug problem America would be a better place.

What'da think?

The Birthday Present

My Neighbors ------- the lesbians next door -------- asked me what I would like for my birthday.

I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex.

It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."

Thanks Laura...
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Jane and Arlene

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter, Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

The pharmacist fainted.


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A Tail Of Two Greeters

Here are a couple of Wal-Mart Greeter Stories.
Believe them or not (I would bet on not)

Wal-Mart Greeter #1
So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter (a good find for many retirees), I lasted less than a day.

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, ‘Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?’

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, ‘Hell no, they ain’t twins. The oldest one’s 9, and the other one’s 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?’

So I politely replied, ‘I’m neither blind nor stupid, Ma’am, I just find it hard to believe that someone would fuck you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.’

My supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work.

Wal-Mart Senior Greeter #2
Charley, a new retiree greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time.

Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.

"Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it.", replied Charley.

''Well good! You are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though, your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say if you came in late there?"

“They said, 'Good morning, Admiral, can I get you some coffee, sir?'''

Peaceful Solutions

Religion has been at the core of a few differences of opinion in my greater family.

For example: my wife's family is Catholic and they wanted us to be married in the Church by a Priest. I, being opposed to the entire concept of organized religion, argued in favor for a civil ceremony.

Ultimately we found middle ground that satisfied everyone's criteria.

We were married by a Justice of the Peace, but one who had been convicted of molesting young boys.

Moral: If you look hard enough there are always ways to reach peaceful solutions to religious conflicts.

Oh! And yes, I am going to go to Hell.
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The Mighty Eagle Over Afghanistan

Check out what some of our boys overseas did to their helicopter.

Some Afghan is probably freaking out right about now .

This very special Mi-24 helicopter is presently flying in Afghanistan , where it is no doubt causing quite a stir.



I don’t know if this is an actual combat killing machine or just a show thing for the troops.

How about it vets?

Is this a real flying machine used to aide Muslims acquire their virgins or is this just a show thing for the masses?

Either way, it works, though. It is very cool.

God Bless the U.S.A.

(And Keep Reading Below)
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Dear Citizen - We Are Coming For You

Dear Citizens,

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early retirement.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Congress deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Congress.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Congress has always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

PS: Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

“Change you can believe in…How’s that working for yah?”

TMI Thursday - The Double Date

LivItLuvIt


It’s that time of week again, peeps. I mentioned last week that I might tell you about me almost getting killed and my roommate almost getting the pecker bitten off. At the same time. And NO it wasn’t me that almost bit it off. I don’t do throat swabs that way.

Again it was back in the early eighties and I was in my late thirties, still young and innocent and wet behind the ears - airlines, buses and theatres aside. Anyage, I was in my late thirties and was dating an older woman. She was a very fine looking, sexy 50 year old. Sweet, too. And my roommate was dating - kinda - her best friend.

This particular night we had double dated and gone to a movie. On the way home we stopped off for a burger and a few beers. Lot’ a talking and laughing and joke telling and stuff. Just having fun.

So, since we had to work the next day, we were calling it an early night and started home. We had about a 20 mile trip ahead of us on I-285. My date, who was more experienced in life than poor innocent me, wanted to have some fun while we rode home. (Later she admitted that she and her BFF had it planned.) So she reached over and unzipped my jeans. They were a little tight and there was copious amounts of pulling and tugging before the object of her desire was freed. Then she went down on it.

Now we had been dating for about a month and were no stranger to erotic things, but this was my first time having erotic things done while I was driving. So, needless to say, I was kinda surprised. Surprised enough to change lanes and back with horns blowing and people making ugly guesters as they passed by. But I manned-up and got the car under control.

Then I remembered my roommate and his date. I looked into the rearview mirror and saw him with his head back and no other head showing. He was getting his little helmet buffed, too.

Cool!

Anybobbing, we were getting closer to the exit needed to take them back to her house and I was getting closer to the end myself. The problem was, the exit and I were happening at the same time. With her increasing pace I was driving proportionally faster. So when I hit the exit ram I was going over 80 mph. She was too. And I had reached maximum resistance and unloading; frozen with my feet on the accelerator approaching the end of the ramp and a red light.

I regaind a little control over my arms and legs and took my feet off the gas, but I was at the intersection with no time to stop or scream or shit or do anything but turn. I had come off on the left side of the ramp and the only way I could turn was left. God help us. And he did.

I jerked the wheel to the left and barely missed a car coming toward my drivers door, horn blaring. But he missed and I made it into the correct lane with out anyone hitting me on the right. But I had to swerve and hit my breaks and shit which was throwing us around in the car. Especially my roommates date.

With all the jerking and swerving and horn blowing, she was slung around and before she could do anything, she clamped down on my roommate and almost bit his woman pleaser off. He was yelling and beating her on the back of the head and cussing and stuff. He didn’t even get to finish either.

My date was experienced enough to know to get off as soon as possible, so she was thrown against the passenger door while all the swerving and dodging and breaking was going on. Then she started to laugh. The bitch laughed.

I pulled into a service station and just looked at her. She thought that was the funniest thing she had ever done. Roommate was a little upset and BFF was mad at me for driving like an ass and at roommate for beating her on the back of the head. I ask him if he needed to go to the doctor and he said no. It was only bleeding a little.

Interesting night! Roommate and BFF didn’t date anymore after that, and I only hung around the girlfriend for a month or so myself. She was fun. And I’ve had similar experiences while driving since, but that was the one that almost got me killed and my roommate a sex change all in one night.

That's about it for the erotice side of my life. The rest is pretty boring. I'll work on the memory banks and see if I have anything else worth writhing about for next week. Probably not, though. Boring, I tell ya. Boring Life!
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