Walking On Water

Bubba had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the bar on the far side for their first legal drink.


So when Bubba's 21st birthday came a round, he and his pal Jim Bob took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Bubba stepped out of the boat .... and nearly drowned! Jim Bob just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Bubba went to see his grandmother. "Grandma," he asked, "it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my pappy, his pappy, and his pappy before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Bubba's troubled eyes and said, "Because your father, your grandfather and your great-grandfather were born in January, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in July, you dumb ass!"
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Obama Care EMS Unit

H/T to Bob at No Body's Corner.

The dude has some of the best pictures in blogdom.

Check him out.

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Redneck Monday - The Dictionary

Yep! It's time for your more better launguage skills class.  Ya jest gotta know what is being said at'cha when y'are hearing it bein' spoken correctly.  No need to think me, but I will give a test perty soon.

BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."

Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH - noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck."

MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I aint herd from him in munts."

RANCH - noun. A tool.
Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck
my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

FAR - noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in my pickup truck,
that things gonna catch far."

TAR - noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn't git a flat tar
in my pickup truck."

FLARES: The colorful, sweet-smelling part of a plant.
Usage: "If yo wife's mad at ya, it's smart to take her some flares."

DAYUM: A cuss word Rhett Butler used in "Gone With the Wind."
Usage: "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a dayum."

IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See "Auburn Alumni."
Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"

BAHS - noun. A supervisor.
Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work,
your bahs is gonna far you!"

CENT: Plural of cent.
Usage: "You paid five dollars for that necktie? Ah wouldn't give fiddy cent for it."

BAWL: What water does at 212 degrees Fahrenheit.
Usage: "That gal cain't even bawl water without burnin' it."

TIRE - noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willing and the creeks don't rise, I sure do hope to see that
Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

HOT - noun. A blood-pumping organ.
Usage: "Pa dun had a hot attack." HOD - adverb. Not easy.
Usage: "A broken hot is hod to fix."

RETARD - Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My granpaw retard at age 65."

TARRED - adverb. Exhausted.
Usage: "I just flew in from Et-lanna, and boy my arms are tarred."

SAAR: The opposite of sweet.
Usage: "These pickles Sure are saar."

RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats."

OVAIR: In that direction.
Usage: "Where's yo paw, son?" "He's ovair, suh."

LOT - adjective. Luminescent.
Usage: "I dream of Jeanie in the lot-brown hair."

FARN - adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country."

DID - adjective. Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim."

EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA).
Usage: "He can't breathe ... give 'em some ear!"

BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."

JU-HERE - a question.
Usage: "Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys' coach Jimmy Johnson
recently toured the University of Alabama?"

MUCHABLIGE: Thank you.
Usage: "Muchablige for the lift, mister."

IDINIT: Term employed by genteel Southerners to avoid saying Ain't.
Usage: "Mighty hot today, idinit?"

HAZE - a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert."

SEED - Seen, past tense.
VIEW - Have You?
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?"

HEAVY DEW - phrase. A request for action.
Usage: "Kin I heavy dew me a favor?"

PHRAISIN: Very cold.
Usage:"Shut that door. It's phraisin in here."

GUMMIT - Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Great ... ANOTHER gummit shutdown!
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Obumper Stickers

FINALLY THE BUMPER STICKERS ARE GETTING BETTER!

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 
 
 
 

November Prediction

Come on NOVEMBER!  And No Protection Required!!!

And one hole up from the usual, too.

Forbes On Obama

Forbes Magazine, in their September 27th issue says that '...Obama is the most anti-business president in a generation, perhaps in American history.' If you care about this country and you still believe in this imbecile, please take the time to read this article.

http://www.forbes.com/global/2010/0927/issues-socialism-capitalism-obama-business-problem.html

It still amazes me that any American (I don't care about the illegal’s) can still support and believe in this Marxist Socialist. This is what you get for electing a man full of hate and racism. We can start neutralizing him next month and kick is ass out in 2012.


Just keep the faith.
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Saturday Night Cat Humor

Here's a little Saturday Night Cat Humor for you peeps.  I have been sitting here with my granddaughter, Bug, watching videos she has found around the net.  Her sense of humor is as great as her Paw Paw's.

The New Fall Hat

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It'll soon be the new rage!
Wouldn't you like to own the rights?

Think of the money to be made!!!

    THE NEW FALL HAT

 

ACORN CAP

              (with the nut still attached)

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MAN Test

Okay, guys. With all this man-bashing from the weaker, more dependant sex, it’s time to see if you really are a man. Just take the test below and see how your faired at the end.

Good Luck and let the test begin:

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to " Tuna Town ."

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you have both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.

3. You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center.

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife needs to ever find out about.

5. Spending the whole night cuddling with a woman you have just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.

6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A moron.

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
A. I hope we can still be friends.
B. I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep.
C. Welcome to Dumpsville. Population....YOU.

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

Evaluating Results:

If you answered A more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really ARE a man.

If you answered B more than 7 times, check into therapy. You're a little confused.

If you answered C more than 7 times, YOU DA MAN!

Why Men Can't Take Phone Messages

Halloween PartyTime - I'm Here To Help

You know it!!! Halloween is just around the corner and you will be going to the ubiquitous costume parties held at schools, churches, and in various neighborhoods. But what to wear? Who or what to dress as? Not an easy decision, I know.

So to save you some time and worry, I took it upon myself to do some extensive research into the best costumes to wear and have come up with some awesome ideas you party people.

You’re welcome!!

My Personal Favorite

Spider Man

Sheep Man

Retired Hooter's Girls

Elvis "Hunk-a Ton o Love"

Wonder What??!!

Dick Man

Oh God Help Us!!!

Have of any better ones? Let me see’em and I’ll post them for ya.

Just A Weeee Bit

"An extraordinarily handsome man (I know, I know, but it's not me this time) decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.

With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman.

Shortly thereafter he met a Redneck who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them.

The Redneck simply replied, " They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the Redneck asked for the man's opinion.

"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice ... pigeon-toed."

The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went.

"Well, "the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell … cross-eyed."

The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better.  So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,

"She's perfect, just perfect.  She's the one I want to marry."

So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born.  When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine.  He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

"Well," explained the Redneck, "she was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell ... pregnant when you met her."
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The Check Out Line

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:


A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
A 1 lb. package of bacon.

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: "Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
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USS Cole (DDG 67) - Ten Years Ago Today - Lest We Forget

(you can click to bigger size the picture)

Steve Compton sent a message to the members of A Patriotic Song on Facebook.

Subject: 10/12...ten years ago today the USS Cole (DDG 67) was attacked!

Everybody, we wanted to remind you of this...


The USS Cole bombing was a suicide attack against the U.S. Navy destroyer USS Cole on October 12, 2000, ten years ago today, while it was harbored and refueling in the Yemeni port of Aden.


17 American sailors were killed, and 39 were injured.


The terrorist organization al-Qaeda claimed responsibility for the attack.


Many claim this was the prerequisite to the 9/11 attack.

As in the closing of any correspondence concerning my ship, USS Frank E. Evans (DD754), the same mantra can be attributed to the USS Cole:

Lest We Forget
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I Want Your Money

Why Can't The Liberal's Understand This?

Redneck Monday - A Sensative Heart

As you have seen over these past few Mondays that rednecks have a great way with words and sayings and stuff, but they also have a big, sensitive heart, too. For example, back home there were these three rednecks, Cooter, Bubba and Junior, who were working up on a cell phone tower.


At the end of the day as they start their descent from the tower, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Junior says, ‘Well, shucks, someone should go and tell his wife.

Bubba says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

Junior says, 'Where did you get that beer, Bubba?'

'Cooter's wife gave it to me,' Bubba replies.

'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?'

'Well…not exactly', Bubba says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Cooter's widow, and she said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.'

‘Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'

Rednecks are good at that sensitive stuff.

Ward Cleaver Is In The House - Check Him Out

Peeps, one of my favorite blog sites is ‘June Cleaver’ at 3’s A Charm  has talked, forced, threatened, beg, pleaded and just plain told her husband to start his own blog.  It’s a good thing she did because ’Ward Cleaver’ has the best jokes and cartoons ever.

Normally he post on Fridays (I guess because that’s all the limelight June would allow him) but if he finds some good stuff during the week, I’m sure he will post more often.  

He can be found at Ward Takes The Floor . Check him out and start following him.  It is all about Cleaning Out The Trash.

Friday Humor and Observations

A little Friday Humor and Helpful Some Observations.

(Also, click on the picture to bigger size it.)

 

A Hug is like a perfect gift.  One size fits all and nobody minds if you exchange it.

May your troubles be less,
Your blessings be more
And nothing but happiness
Come through your door.