EGGS

Dave came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said 'You died in your sleep, Dave.

Dave was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Dave was devastated, but begged St.. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Dave the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'

'Never!' said Dave.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

Dave did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

Dave was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon
laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell.....'Dave! Wake up. You shit the bed!'
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Contort This

 
Two women were talking about their lives since they had become nursing home residents.

They both agreed that life was good but one woman, Ethel, said she was rather upset because her sex life had really died since she and her husband had come to the nursing home.

The other woman said that her sex life was great. “The secret t great sex is this,” the woman told her, “when my husband is getting ready for bed, I get undressed, lay on the bed and put both legs behind my head. When he comes out and sees me like that he gets so excited, we have wild sex the rest of the night.”

Ethel says, “I’m going to try that tonight.”

When Ethel’s husband is getting ready in the bathroom that night, she takes off all her clothes and sits on the side of the bed. Although it was a struggle, she gets one leg up and behind her head. Pretty soon, she got the other leg behind her had as well. After accomplishing this great feat, Ethel falls backward and can’t move.

Not long afterward her husband comes out of the bathroom. With a shocked look on his face, he yells, “For God’s sake, Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in, you look like an asshole.”

The divorce proceedings start on Monday.