An Elderly Man Gets Screwed For His Birthday

Your lesson for today…

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a Medicine Man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for. The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is a powerful medicine, and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "But what was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls and peeps, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
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In Golf Men Should Go First

From my buddy, Ed.

A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women is
hitting from the ladies' tee.

The ladies are taking their time. When the final lady is ready to hit her ball,
she hacks it ten feet. Then she goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she
hacks it another ten feet, and finally hacks it another five feet. She looks
up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those
fucking lessons I took over the winter didn't help."

One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it. You should have
taken golf lessons instead!"

He never even had a chance to duck.

Lesson From The Ark

The Woodpecker might have to go!

 

Everything I need to know about life, I learned from Noah's Ark.

One: Don't miss the boat.
Two: Remember that we are all in the same boat.
Three: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.
Four: Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.
Five: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
Six: Build your future on high ground.
Seven: For safety sake, travel in pairs.
Eight: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
Nine: When you're stressed, float a while.
Ten: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.
Eleven: No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a rainbow waiting.