Two Old Lady Stories

I think we all know little old ladies like these two fictious ladies...

Two old ladies were sitting on the porch talking about their lives and what they remember. Reminiscing over the many things they did in their youth; raising families, movies and dancing and stuff.

After a pause, Nettie turned to Ruth and as, “Ahhhh, Ruth, do you remember the minuet?”

Ruth, without a pause, said, “Hell, Nettie, I don’t even remember the men I fucked.”

*****

Nettie and Ruth were sitting on the porch at the old folks home. Nettie turned to Ruth and asked "Ruth, you were married a long time, did you and your husband have mutual orgasm?"

Rush sat and rocked for a minute and said, "No, I think we had State Farm."

*****

Nettie and Ruth are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. Ruth turns to Nettie and asks, "Do you still get horny?"

Nettie replies, "Oh sure I do."

Ruth then asks, "What do you do about it?"

Nettie replies, "I suck a lifesaver."

After a few moments, Ruth ask, "Who drives you to the beach?"

*****

It was three o'clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a Ruth comes running towards her screaming. "Please come quickly!" she yelled, "I just saw a naked man outside my window!"

The receptionist immediately rushes up to Ruth's room. "Where is he?" asked the receptionist.

"He's over there," replied Ruth, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel.

The receptionist looks over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment. "It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to bed," she said reassuringly. "But how do you know he's naked, you can only see him from the waist up?"

"The dresser, honey!" screamed Ruth. "Try standing on the dresser!"

*****

An elderly couple sat through a porno movie twice. They didn't get up to leave until the theater was ready to close for the night.

"You folks must've enjoyed the show," the usher said.

"Disgusting!" said the old lady.

"It was revolting," her husband added.

"Then why did you sit through it twice?" the usher asks.

"We had to wait until you turned up the house lights," the old lady replied. "We couldn't find my panties and his teeth were in them!"

Only An Italian Man...

ONLY AN ITALIAN MAN CAN MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE A WOMAN...

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular is terrified.

Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. 'I'm too young to die', she wails. Then she yells, 'Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then an Italian man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and blue eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt, one button at a time.

No one moves. He removes his shirt, muscles rippling across his chest.

She gasps!

He walks right up to her, so close she can feel and smell his breath, and looks her straight in the eyes and says.....

'Here - Iron this, and get me something to eat....'
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Contort This

 
Two women were talking about their lives since they had become nursing home residents.

They both agreed that life was good but one woman, Ethel, said she was rather upset because her sex life had really died since she and her husband had come to the nursing home.

The other woman said that her sex life was great. “The secret t great sex is this,” the woman told her, “when my husband is getting ready for bed, I get undressed, lay on the bed and put both legs behind my head. When he comes out and sees me like that he gets so excited, we have wild sex the rest of the night.”

Ethel says, “I’m going to try that tonight.”

When Ethel’s husband is getting ready in the bathroom that night, she takes off all her clothes and sits on the side of the bed. Although it was a struggle, she gets one leg up and behind her head. Pretty soon, she got the other leg behind her had as well. After accomplishing this great feat, Ethel falls backward and can’t move.

Not long afterward her husband comes out of the bathroom. With a shocked look on his face, he yells, “For God’s sake, Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in, you look like an asshole.”

The divorce proceedings start on Monday.