Redneck Monday - A Bag Of Hot Air?

It's that time of the week again, folks.  Time to give you some more sayings from my redneck community.

Most of them are very meaningful, but outsiders will say they are just a bag of hot air.  You be the judge.

What do rednecks call duct tape?
Chrome.

What's the difference between a Yankee zoo and a Redneck zoo?
On the cage in a Yankee zoo, it will have the name of the animal and the scientific name in Latin.
A Southern zoo will have the name of the animal and a recipe.

Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow?
She can't touch it till she's fourteen.

What's the most popular pick up line in Arkansas?
Nice tooth!

Did you hear about the new 3 million dollar Arkansas State Lottery?
The winner gets 3 dollars a year for a million years.

What do a divorce in Arkansas, a tornado in Kansas and a hurricane in Florida have in common?
Somebody is fixin' to lose them a house trailer.

Why do folks from Arkansas go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more?
17 and under are not admitted.

What do you get when you have 32 Arkansasians in the same room?
A full set of teeth.

Did you hear that the Governors mansion in Arkansas burned down?
Almost took out the whole trailer park.

A new law was recently passed in Alabama.
When a couple gets a divorce they're still brother and sister.

How can you tell if a redneck is married?
There is tobacco spit stains on both sides of his pickup truck.

What's the difference between Virginia and West Virginia?
In Virginia, Moosehead is a beer.
In West Virginia it's a misdemeanor.

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West Virginia to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!

What do they call "Hee Haw" in Arkansas?
A documentary.

What do they call “Hee Haw” in Kentucky?
"Life Styles of the Rich and Famous."

How many rednecks does it take eat a 'possum?
Two. One to eat, and one to watch for cars.

Why did God invent armadillos?
So that rednecks can have 'possum on the half shell.

What is a Redneck’s defense in court?
“Honest your Honor, I was just helping the sheep over the fence.”
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Redneck Monday - Some Mo Gooder Stuff

More good stuff fer yo vocalcalabuary advancement:

'Bout as useful as a prefabricated post hole.

If your aunt had nuts she'd be your uncle.

Yer mouth runs like a boarding house toilet.

That’s about as useful as tits on a nun or balls on a priest.

God gave men two heads but only enough blood to run one at a time.

A gallant retreat is better than a bad stand.

High as giraffe nuts.

That's as hard as pickin’ the fly dung out of pepper.

Life is what you need, love is what you want.

That SOB has the nerve of a government mule.

I'm hotter than a mess of collard greens on the back burner of a $4 stove.

That's just like wiping your ass with a wagon wheel. There just ain't no end to it.

I'm not going to let this turn into a jack-off contest.

He's lower than a snake's belly in a wagon rut.

That woman learned how to whisper in a saw mill.

I'm going to see to it that it happens, even if it harelips the governor.

I'll have my usual Mexican breakfast--a piss and a cigarette.

That kid ain't through climbing fool's hill yet.

I don't care how they handle it cause I ain't got no dog in this fight.

We'll have to save this argument until later when he's not loaded up on loudmouth soup. (drinking)

After all you've had to drink, that will run through you like a dose of salts.

I've stepped over better than you looking for a place to jack off.

He's as broke as the Ten Commandments.

If God had intended for Texans to ski, he would have made bullshit white.

He wouldn't say "shit" if he had a mouthful of it.

As far as going out with him, I'd rather be in hell with a broken back and colon cancer.

Eisenhower won the election by such a landslide that when he died they were still picking gravel out of his ass.

She's put so many miles on that pussy that it's just hanging open like a pea-coat sleeve.

In those high heels, she looks mighty like a barrel on pegs.

Are those your thighs, or do you have on riding pants?

This is just like fucking a skunk. I've had about all of this good shit I can handle.

Redneck Monday - Mo Sayings and Stuff

It’s that time of the week, peeps. Mo sayings to educate you and help you in conversations with us‘ens.

Begin:

Dead as iced catfish!

His gal is so fat they hire a rodeo clown to distract her when grocery shopping.

I'm hangin' in there like loose teeth.

He's like a fart in a skillet. (Wound up.)

Well I'll be dipped in shit and rolled in bread crumbs.

I feel like a bag of smashed assholes.

She's wilder than a fifth ace.

Look, she’s as graceful as a sow on ice.

If you ask kindly, I might could.

She'd bitch if her ice cream was cold.

He's about as funny as a pissant floating on his back with a hard on tootin for the
bridge to open up!

He's so drunk he couldn't hit the floor with his hat.

I'm as giddy as a school girl on prom night.

Smaller than a tick turd.

Happier than a gopher in soft dirt.

Smoother then a hairy nipple on wax day.

You're so blind you would miss a crawdad playin' cards with Ray Charles.

Cool as a handjob on a honeymoon.

When it doubt, knock 'em out!

His family tree looks like a totem pole.

Her teeth are so bad, she could eat an apple through a picket fence.

I'm hotter than a tick on a dog's balls.

He’s about as useless as a restrictor plate.

Well don't just sit there like a knot on a log!

That won't last two foggy mornings.

If it has tires or testicles it's gonna give you trouble.

Redneck Monday - WalMart Quote and Mo Sayings

(Wanna Ring That Door Bell?)

Even Redneck Women know the importance of dressing up for swanky places:


AND NOW, MORE REDNECK SAYINGS:

He’s slower than molasses runnin up hill in July.

That’s funnier then watchen a retard get laid.

Busier than a cucumber in a women's prison!

I'm so hungry my belly button is sticking out of my ass hole.

Well knock me down and steal my teeth!

He swapped legs with a jaybird and got cheated out of a butt.

It's hotter than a spanked baby's ass out here.

You can't get blood from a turnip.

He was drunker than Cooter Brown on the 4th of July.
(Cooter Brown is a name used in metaphors and similes for drunkenness.)

That BBQ is tangier than my brother's cutoffs.

He's so scared you couldn't drive a wet watermelon seed up his butt with a sledge hammer.

He's handier than a pocket on a shirt.

If I had that swing on my back porch I’d ride it every night.
(Watching a girl walk by)

Champane Taste On Soda Pop Salary.

My sister's soooo ugly, my mom had to get drunk to breastfeed her!

I'm so poor if I stepped on worn out dime I'd bet you a nickel I could tell you whether it's heads or tails.

It's Hotter n' hell's basement on the day of reckonin'.

You couldn't hit the broad side of a barn with a handful of rice!

He Was As Low As The Ex's Lawyer

It’s hotter than 4 or 5 fat bitches in an Escort

That's all for now.

Alright, Stop It!

I hear that clapping and whistling.

Just for that, I'll be back next Monday with more Redneck goodies.
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