It Must Be Difficult For A Court Reporter To Keep a Straight Face

The below are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, by Charles M. Sevilla, and are things people actually said in court; taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY:  What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS:  He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY:  And why did that upset you?

WITNESS:  My name is Susan.

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ATTORNEY:  What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS:  Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

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ATTORNEY:  Are you sexually active?

WITNESS:  No, I just lie there.

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ATTORNEY:  This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS:  Yes.
ATTORNEY:  And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS:  I forget...
ATTORNEY:  You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
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ATTORNEY:  Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS:  We both do.
ATTORNEY:  Voodoo?
WITNESS:  We do.
ATTORNEY:   You do?
WITNESS:  Yes, voodoo.
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ATTORNEY:  Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS:  Did you actually pass the bar exam?
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ATTORNEY:  The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS:  He's 20, much like your IQ.
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ATTORNEY:  Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS:  Are you shitting me?
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ATTORNEY:  So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS:  Yes.
ATTORNEY:  And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS:  Getting laid.
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ATTORNEY:  She had three children, right?

WITNESS:  Yes.
ATTORNEY:  How many were boys?
WITNESS:  None.

ATTORNEY:  Were there any girls?
WITNESS:  Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.   Can I get a new attorney?
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ATTORNEY:  How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS:  By death.
ATTORNEY:  And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS:  Take a guess.
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ATTORNEY:  Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS:  He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY:  Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS:  Unless the circus was in town, I'm going with male.
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ATTORNEY:  Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS:  No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
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ATTORNEY:  Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS:  All of them.  The live ones put up too much of a fight.

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ATTORNEY:  ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?   What school did you go to?
WITNESS:  Oral...
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ATTORNEY:  Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS:  The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
ATTORNEY:  And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS:  If not, he was by the time I finished.
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ATTORNEY:  Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS:  Are you qualified to ask that question?

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ATTORNEY:  Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS:  No.
ATTORNEY:  Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS:  No.
ATTORNEY:  Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS:  No.
ATTORNEY:  So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS:  No.
ATTORNEY:  How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS:  Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY:  I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS:  Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Women Always Solve The Problem

After being married for 40 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Forty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.

Now ... I have a $500,000.00 home, a $35,000.00 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a sagging 63-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.

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Jeff Foxworthy on Muslims

1. If you refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.
You may be a Muslim

2. If you own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
You may be a Muslim

3. If you have more wives than teeth.
You may be a Muslim

4. If you wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean.
You may be a Muslim

5. If you think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
You may be a Muslim

6. If you can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.
You may be a Muslim

7. If you consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
You may be a Muslim

8. If you were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
You may be a Muslim

9. If you have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.
You may be a Muslim

10. If your cousin is president of the United States .
You may be a Muslim

11. You find this offensive or racist and don't forward it,

You may be a Muslim

EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS

AT THE BEGINNING OF MY SHIFT I PLACED A STETHOSCOPE ON AN ELDERLY AND SLIGHTLY DEAF FEMALE PATIENT'S ANTERIOR CHEST WALL.

'BIG BREATHS,' I INSTRUCTED.

'YES, THEY USED TO BE,' REPLIED THE PATIENT.

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WHILE ACQUAINTING MYSELF WITH A NEW ELDERLY PATIENT, I ASKED, ' HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN BEDRIDDEN?'

AFTER A LOOK OF COMPLETE CONFUSION SHE ANSWERED, ' WHY, NOT FOR ABOUT TWENTY YEARS - WHEN MY HUSBAND WAS ALIVE.'

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I WAS PERFORMING ROUNDS AT THE HOSPITAL ONE MORNING AND WHILE CHECKING UP ON A MAN I ASKED, ' SO HOW'S YOUR BREAKFAST THIS MORNING?'

'IT'S VERY GOOD EXCEPT FOR THE KENTUCKY JELLY.  I CAN'T SEEM TO GET USED TO THE
TASTE.’ BOB REPLIED.

I THEN ASKED TO SEE THE JELLY AND BOB PRODUCED A FOIL PACKET LABELED ' KY JELLY. '

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A NURSE WAS ON DUTY IN THE EMERGENCY ROOM WHEN A YOUNG WOMAN WITH PURPLE HAIR STYLED INTO A PUNK ROCKER MOHAWK, SPORTING A VARIETY OF TATTOOS, AND WEARING STRANGE CLOTHING, ENTERED. 

IT WAS QUICKLY DETERMINED THAT THE PATIENT HAD ACUTE APPENDICITIS, SO SHE WAS SCHEDULED FOR IMMEDIATE SURGERY. 

WHEN SHE WAS COMPLETELY DISROBED ON THE OPERATING TABLE, THE STAFF NOTICED THAT HER PUBIC HAIR HAD BEEN DYED GREEN AND ABOVE IT THERE WAS A TATTOO THAT READ, ' KEEP OFF THE GRASS.'

ONCE THE SURGERY WAS COMPLETED, THE SURGEON WROTE A SHORT NOTE ON THE PATIENT'S DRESSING, WHICH SAID, 'SORRY!  I HAD TO MOW THE LAWN.’

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AS A NEW, YOUNG MD DOING HIS RESIDENCY IN OB I WAS QUITE EMBARRASSED WHEN PERFORMING FEMALE PELVIC EXAMS.  TO COVER MY EMBARRASSMENT I HAD UNCONSCIOUSLY FORMED A HABIT OF WHISTLING SOFTLY.

THE MIDDLE-AGED LADY UPON WHOM I WAS PERFORMING THIS EXAM SUDDENLY BURST
OUT LAUGHING AND FURTHER EMBARRASSING ME.

I LOOKED UP FROM MY WORK AND SHEEPISHLY SAID, ‘I'M SORRY.  WAS I TICKLING YOU? '

SHE REPLIED WITH TEARS RUNNING DOWN HER CHEEKS FROM LAUGHING SO HARD, ' NO DOCTOR BUT THE SONG YOU WERE WHISTLING WAS ' I WISH I WAS AN OSCAR MAYER WIENER.'

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A WOMAN AND A BABY WERE IN THE DOCTOR'S EXAMINING ROOM, WAITING FOR THE DOCTOR TO COME IN FOR THE BABY'S FIRST EXAM.

THE DOCTOR ARRIVED AND EXAMINED THE BABY, CHECKED HIS WEIGHT, AND BEING
A LITTLE CONCERNED, ASKED IF THE BABY WAS BREAST-FED OR BOTTLE-FED.

'BREAST-FED, ' SHE REPLIED.

‘WELL, STRIP DOWN TO YOUR WAIST,' THE DOCTOR ORDERED.

SHE DID AND HE PINCHED HER NIPPLES, PRESSED, KNEADED, AND RUBBED BOTH
BREASTS FOR A WHILE IN A VERY PROFESSIONAL AND DETAILED EXAMINATION.

MOTIONING TO HER TO GET DRESSED, THE DOCTOR SAID, ' NO WONDER THIS BABY
IS UNDERWEIGHT. YOU DON'T HAVE ANY MILK.'

‘I KNOW,' SHE SAID, 'I'M HIS GRANDMA.’

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Sex Advice

A woman went to her doctor for advice.

She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.

"Do you enjoy it?" the doctor asked.

"Actually, yes, I do" she said.

''Does it hurt you", he asked?

"No. I rather like it!"

''Well, then," the doctor continued, "there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get Pregnant."

The woman was mystified. "What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?"

"Of course you can.", the doctor replied. "Where do you think politicians come from?"

SUMBICH!

A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors.

He also invited Coffeypot, the only Redneck friend.  The party was held around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Coffeypot was having a great time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ while flirting with all the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 foot man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash.  Everyone turned around and saw Coffeypot in the pool!

He was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Coffeypot was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere.  Both Coffeypot and the gator were screaming and raising hell.

Finally Coffeypot strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish.

He then slowly climbed out of the pool.  Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, 'Well, Coffeypot, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'

'No, that's okay. I don't want It,' said Coffeypot.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something.  That was amazing.  How about I award you a new Porsche, or a Rolex, or some stock options?'

Again Coffeypot said, “Nope!"

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well then what do you want?'

Coffeypot said, 'I want the name of the sumbich who pushed me in the pool!'

.

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In Honor Of The Auzies Down Under

I rarely venture out of the coffey pot without my Navy cap, or wearing a shirt with my ship’s name or logo, or my jacket with the ship's logos.  It’s not because I am bragging about my service, though I am proud that I served with some great guys on a great ship.  Not in the least.  I wear them so in respect and remembrance of the 74 lost young men who perished on the night of 3 June, 1969.  Turning the wrong way in response of being called to ‘Plane Guard’, a position 500 to a 1,000 yards off the back of the carrier, the Australian aircraft carrier, HMAS Melbourne, ran into her and cut her in half with the front half going down in three minutes.  It gives me a chance to tell their story and seeking help in getting their names on The Wall.

Believe me, there are no hard feelings toward the Australians involved.  Quite the contrary!  They performed some heroic deeds that night in saving some of our guys and are an intrical (may not be a real word) part of our yearly reunions.  We have established lasting friendships whit some of those blokes and have enjoy emails and pictures between each other over the past years.

And I have met some bloggers from Down Under, too.  And one of my bestes pals is Mari Paxford, better known to those who blog and face book with her as Pax.  She is such a sweetheart and is a huge military supporter of our troops.  Pax is always sending out treats, stuffed kolas and ‘roos and other stuff to her Army and Marines provided by Soldiers Angles.   She gives of herself selflessly.

But she doesn’t do much for the Navy.  I am her sailor of choice.  So she emails me and sends me special gifts and her love.  But I have to be careful.  I think she is trying to poison me.  She sent me a ‘treat’ called musk sticks.  She also sent some to Burk at A1S for him and his Zombie Killing Ninja Marines.  He posted a few pictures of the faces his killers made while eating this industrial cleanser.  He is convinced she is with the Jihad and trying to weaken his troops (he loves her, too.)

So getting to the purpose of this post, Pax knows of my feelings toward the Auzie servicemen, so she sent me a cap with the sunburst logo of the Australian Army.

Said Sunburst Cap on the Stud of the Navy

She knows the respect I will show this gift.  So here I am at Ruby Tuesday’s for Sunday Brunch and sporting my jacket with my ship logos and wearing my special cap…an appropriate tie in between the two countries.

 And I will wear it often.

Thanks, Pax.  You are da babe (uh…Sheila.)

W.T.F.