Kids Games

Three third graders from Tennessee (an Irish kid, an Italian kid and a Redneck kid) are on the play ground at recess.

The Irish kid suggests that they play a new game. 'Let's see who has the largest pecker,’ he says. They all agree.

The Italian kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.

‘That’s nothing,' says the Irish kid. He whips his out and proudly shows that his is at least an inch longer.

Not to be outdone, the Redneck kid whips his out. It is by far not only the biggest, but the fattest.

That night, eating dinner at home, the Redneck kid's mother asks him what he did at school today.

'Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book and then, during recess, my friends and I played a new game called 'Let's see who has the largest pecker.'

'What kind of game is that, honey?' asks the mother.

'Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our peckers and I had the biggest! The other kids say it's because I'm a Redneck. Is that true, Mom?'

Mom replies, 'No, Honey. It's because you're twenty-one.’

The Importance of Taking Care of Yourself

Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 89 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.. Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell he is.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound! Apparently you have to go there.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, she looks good doesn't she.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years ... just getting over the hill.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
You could run this over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.

Country & Western Titles

I love my Country and Western music. I really like the older songs and some of the titles like, “Thank God and Greyhound You're Gone.” Below is a list of song titles sent to me by email and I thought you would enjoy them, too.

COUNTRY & WESTERN SONGS

10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine

9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With a Few

8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'

6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win

5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here

4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him

3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger

2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer

And the Number One Country & Western song is...

1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day

LEXOPHILES

FOR LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS)

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

A will is a dead giveaway.

A backward poet writes inverse.

A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in linoleum blown apart.

He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

A calendar's days are numbered.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.

How To Kill A Moment

A man was laying in bed with his new girlfriend.

After having great sex, she spent the next hour just stroking his penis, something she seemed to love to do.

Enjoying it, he turned and asked her, 'Why do you love doing that?'

She replied, 'Because I really miss mine.'

Guts or Balls

We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next, fatty."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the out come - since both ultimately result in hospitalization.

What's Your Color?

This will be a long post, but it will be a fun one - I hope. First of all, I will be going to Greensboro for J-Man's surgery and will be there all next week without a computer. I might stroke out, but being with him is just too important for me to worry about a blog.

So, for the fun! Choose your favorite color from RED, YELLOW, PINK, PURPLE, BLACK, GREEN, ORANGE, BROWN, GRAY, BLUE, or WHITE. Don't cheat now. Just pick your favorite color first and then look at the definitions below to find out about your sexuality. Also, leave me a comment to let me know what your color is, too. Mine is BLUE. Enjoy and I'll check in next weekend.

The clothes you wear, your home furnishings and the car you drive all give clues to your sexual personality. The key is the colors you select for your possessions. Most people claim they haven't a favorite color. But look around you, and you'll notice a pattern, especially in your clothing and home decor. The predominant color for you is the one that appears most frequently -- it's the one that mirrors the sexual you. A panel of psychologists, speaking at the 1975 Home Interior Design Forum, explained the association between color and sexual patterns.

RED: People who like red tend to be tigers in the sack. They are easily aroused and enjoy sex in every way imaginable. Once the sexual spark is ignited, it may take hours to extinguish. When two reds get together, the ensuing erotica could make Lady Chatterley blush. Lovers of red tend to be aggressors and weaker colors should be aware.

YELLOW: If you tend to favor yellow, your sexual drives are complex and turn toward the adaptable. In most cases the person will consent to the stronger partner's desires in a passive manner. You will never enjoy sex to the fullest, but you will never turn down an invitation from somebody you enjoy or admire.

PINK: Persons who like pink show a reluctance to mature in sexual matters: women tend to tease, to promise more than they intend to deliver. In some cases they flaunt their femininity -- but because they secretly hate men. A great percentage of prostitutes boast entire wardrobes in pink. Men who like pink are the philanderers and flirts. They are the type who will make three dates for the same evening and not keep one, preferring to pick up a dish in some bar instead. Women whose husbands like pink should keep a secret nest egg.

PURPLE: Lovers of purple frequently consider themselves to be too sophisticated for a fun romp in the sack. Women sometimes are the types who hate to mess their hair. Men are business-like in their approach to lovemaking. In both sexes purple partners are more concerned with their fulfillment than anyone else's gratification.

BLACK: Black color preferences point to black sex (not necessarily meaning black partners). These people are the misfits of the sex world and seek out each other in kinship. They tend to prefer perverted sex and are usually masochistic or sadistic in nature. They are moody people and often perform at their peak when under stress or during unhappy times. Police psychiatrists claim that sex offenders prefer the color black. And it is no coincidence that the uniform of mobsters and teenage gangs is black attire.

GREEN: Those who prefer green are fresh and innocent in their approach to sex. Women who love green will always make love like virgins all their life. And a man may always be a trifle clumsy and awkward but in a charming and endearing sort of way. Green lovers are gentle, but not passionate. If chosen as a mate, one will never need worry about infidelity.

ORANGE: Lovers of the color orange lean toward sexual fantasies. The sex act is regarded as a dramatic one-act play in which they are the star. Foreplay is as important as the act of love. They whisper sweet nothings, meaningless dialogue; they feel it is their image. Orange people often do not experience orgasm -- but they put on a darn good act. Men tend to pull their partner's hair and women leave red welts on the sex partner's back.

BROWN: If you love brown, you're a real treasure for the right mate. Brown lovers tend to be warm and deep, sensitive to the needs and desires of their partners. Sex is a 24 hour a day thing. Where you can't say "I love you" often enough. Snuggling by the fire, walking in the rain or catching snowflakes on their tongue is a turn-on to a lover of brown. They need lots of time and privacy to make love. But their emotions are such that one harsh word could end the affair.

GRAY: The color gray is preferred by people who are indecisive. They can't get excited about anything -- including color -- so they choose a noncommittal shade. Men who prefer gray look at sex as a way of relieving tension -- but nothing more, nothing less. It's wham, bam, thank you ma'am. Women don't make love, they have intercourse. And for one of two reasons only: to accommodate their mate, or to become pregnant. They count the cracks in the bedroom plaster until the sex act is over with and done. But when teamed with another color, the gray spouse considers the other's infidelity a blessing. When a gray marries another gray, the marriage is made in heaven.

BLUE: Lovers of blue are wonderful sex partners. They are affectionate and sensitive to their partner's needs. They consider love making a fine art and their approach is elegant. Men who love blue are like concert pianists, delicately ravaging their partner like they would play a baby grand. Women in the blue category enjoy sex to the fullest. They are exciting partners but their passion may be compared to a tidal wave rather than fiery aggression. Both women and men enjoy foreplay and the aftermath of lovemaking, as much as the sex acts itself. In marriage a blue person is a wonderful mate -- never seeking outside interests.

WHITE: If a person is infatuated with white, sex often seems filthy. These people are puritanical in nature. French kissing is obscene and to make love in the daylight is unheard of. Women who love white will undress beneath the covers. Men will shower before and after the sex act. These people still use pet names for their genitals.

Update On My Sister

I want to thank you all for your well wishes and prayers for my sister. I don’t usually boar you with stuff going on in my life because it is mainly just that – boring. But Mary is a different subject. She is thirteen years older than me and is more of a mother to me than my mother was. She has also been a diabetic for over 50 years and her little body is just getting tired.

She has been through many scary times in the past few years and many have counted her out. The doctors have called the family in just to be told that she has rallied back. She has had an eight bi-pass surgery, many diabetic comas and kidney problems, but she keeps coming back. That little lady is a fighter and I am proud of her and her courage. But she is my sister and she has the Coffey since of humor, too. For example, I notice that her urine bag was missing from its usual place at the foot of her bed. It could have been moved to the other side so I ask her if they had taken the catheter out. She said she didn’t know. So I said, “You didn’t feel or hear a slurping sound and a pop?” She chuckled and looked up at me and said with her little weak voice, “No! I guess its dead. I miss all the good things lying here.”

We almost lost her though. She woke up during the night, want to potty and climed out of the bed without calling a nurse. There was a portable potty next to her bed, and she was sitting on it. She strained so hard that her blood pressure dropped and she passed out. The only reason her heart didn’t stop was that she has a defibrillator implanted in her chest and that kept the heart going. The medical staff had to do cpr by beating her chest to get the heart stared on its own. She is bruised to high heaven, and she spent a couple of days in ICU. They had to have her lungs pumped out to get rid of the goop, but, again, she fooled the doctors. I told her that, after all she had been though in her life, to be taken out by a Chinese disease was just not fair. She wanted to know what Chinese disease and I told her she had a mild heart attack brought on by a Chinese malady called Hung Turd. She tried to hit me, but she couldn’t lift her arms. She is a fighter, ya know.

Yesterday they were going to move her to an intensive therapy unit in downtown Atlanta, but the rep from the unit came buy to evaluate her and said she wouldn’t qualify because she is doing so much better. She is on less oxygen and is doing great with her walking and stuff, so she will be moved to a medium therapy unit closer to her home, and I believe she will be able to go home soon.

I just hope that when and if it happens to me, I can face the challenge with as much courage and determination as Mary. She continues to amaze us and we still find things to laugh about.

Murphy's Law Expanded

Below are a few laws of nature that I have faced or have been effected by. I'm sure you can relate to a few of these, too.

Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

Law of Gravity - Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theater - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

The Starbucks Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

Do you have any to add?

The Elephant

A five year old student pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said,

'Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!'

The teacher took a deep breath, then asked...'What did you call it?'

'It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!'


And so it does...

 

'African Elephant '

Hooked on phonics! Ain't it wonderful?

I'm Back - With A Little Humor

I’m finally back. With many, many miles with no sleep (other than three half-hour power naps) I mad it back only to change cars and head out to Huntsville at the Rocket and Space Museum. I’m back now and trying to pass along a little email humor I received while I was gone. Enjoy, if you can!

SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING, BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

For those of you with dogs…

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the Super Wal-Mart Shopping Center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my little Lucy had fresh air.

She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wated to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, “Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay! Stay!”

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady, gave me a strange look and said, “Why don’t you just put it in park?”

Finally, for those of you who love to be smart asses I give you:

SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during a flight on Alaska Airlines.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead."
Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge and cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up.
The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2008
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

BELLY BUTTON JEWELRY

The other day Brother Dave posted about body piercing’s and it reminded me of these beauties. Which one do you like?

Colorado Belly Button Jewelry:

 

Tennessee Belly Button Jewelry:

 

Tough decision, huh?

After this I guess you will be glad to hear that I will be on another dog transport and won't be back until Saturday. Then I change vehicles, load the kiddies and Sweet Tea up and we are heading to Huntsville, AL, to see some space stuff. So I won't be back here until Tuesday.

Okay, okay! I hear the cheering and whistling. I can take a hint. Bye!

Sportsmanship - You Have It Or You Don't

It's great to see true sportsmanship. This ESPN video titled 'Touching Them All' is a real feel good story.


As compared to this:

Men In Training

 

 

 

 

MILF Realtors

Now that my house is on the market agian, I am changing my agent to this company. I don't care if the house ever sales.

 

MeMe from Kim

My good looking and very sexy friend Kim sent me this meme and I promised her I would post it. Do it if you want to – however, if you do please tell me so I can enjoy you answers.

1. Do you like Blue Cheese? Absolutely!
2. Have you ever smoked heroin? No! But I have smoked pork and silmon.
3. Do you own a gun? Yes, several! Wan’a see’em, sneak into my house!
4. What flavor do you add to your drink? Lemon with iced tea, diet coke with Jack Black, water with Scotch.
5. Do you get nervous before going to the doctor? No! It will be good or bad; either way I will deal with it. I am more curious that nervous.
6. What do you think of hot dogs? I like to eat’em, but I don’t think about’em much.
7. Favorite Christmas movie? Bad Santa!
8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Black Coffee!
9. Can you do push ups? Yes – one!
10. Age? War Baby! (Age before Baby Boomers)
11. What's your favorite piece of jewelry? My college class ring and my wedding band.
12. Favorite hobby? Blogging (though I am thinking of getting out of the business)
13. Favorite Actor? Tom Sellick!
14. Do you have A.D.D.? Yes, I think so - with a little S.U.B.T.R.A.C.T thrown in.
15. What's one trait you hate about yourself? My propensity to tell everyone, “Fuck You.”
16. Middle name? The Smart Ass!
17. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment? 1. How sever will the storm brewing outside be tonight? 2. Sweet Tea wants to go to Wal-Mart, will this storm dampen (get it, hahahaha) her desire to go? 3. Do I have to pee?
18. Name 3 things you love to eat. Steak, Chicken, Catherine Bell.
19. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink? Tea, Diet Coke, Coke Zero!
20. No Question 20 – I guess it got lost in the shuffle somehow.
21. Current dislike right now? Barrack Hussein Obama!
22. Favorite place to be? At a race track or with my grandkids.
23. How did you bring in the New Year? In bed with Sweet Tea and the grandkids watching the big apple and the Georgia Peach come down.
24. Where would you like to go? Back to Japan! or To Heave, but not tonight.
25. Name three people who will complete this? Him, Him and Her.
26. If you could change the color of your eyes (without having to wear contacts) would you? No! They are something I don’t have to look at so they don’t bother me as long as they keep working.
27. What shirt are you wearing? Hawaiian pull-over!
28. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets? NO! They are two slippery and hot. You have to throw sand on the bed to get traction with your knees and toes. Then you sweat from the heat they hold in.
29. Can you whistle? Yes! Especially at Special K and Christine.
30. Favorite color? Blue! I’ll post a color chart that tells you about your sexual desires if I can find it.
31. Would you be a pirate? Sure, it beats being a teacher.
32. What songs do you sing in the shower? ‘How big I am, how big I am; no body knows how big I am’, and along with #32 – ‘Many brave hearts are asleep in the deep so beware. Bee Eee Eee Eee Wwwaaaaarrrreeee! (In my deepest base voice)
33. Favorite girl's name? Bitch!
34. Favorite boy's name? Ass Hole!
35. What is in your pocket right now? Which pocket? One has a knife, another has my good luck coin, six dollars and eighty seven cents, another has my wallet and the last one has lint.
36. Last thing that made you laugh? My gay brother, Sister Stephen, fawning over one of my sister’s doctors at the hospital today and a scene in Two and A Half Men.
37. Best bed sheets as a child? Clean white cotton sheets. My mom had no imagination!
38. Worst injury you've ever had? Right hand crushed in an industrial accident. I live though!
39. Do you love where you live? It’s okay!
40. How many TVs do you have in your house? Four!
41. Who is your loudest friend? I don’t have friends!
42. How many dogs do you have? Four!
43. Does someone have a crush on you? I don’t think so! Though there are a few who would like TO crush me.
44. What is your favorite book(S)? ‘We Were Soldiers Once… And Young’ by Joe Galloway and Hal Moore; ‘Bury My Heart At Wounded Knee’ by Dee Brown, ‘The Civil War Trilogy: Gods and Generals / The Killer Angels / The Last Full Measure’ by Jeff and Michael Shaara
45. Where were you born? In the hospital in Atlanta.
46. What is your favorite candy? Baby Ruth!
47. Favorite Sports Team? Don’t have one. I do love NASCAR, though!
48. What song do you want played at your funeral? I don’t care, I won’t be there.
49. What were you doing at 12 A.M.? Blogging and watching TV.
50. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? I have to get up and get to the hospital to be there when the doctor shows up to talk about my sister. She isn’t doing so well and, well, she is like my mother. If you have any prayers lying around that you don’t need, Mary could use a few.

Logic

Two rednecks, Jimbo and Bubba, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Jimbo turns to Bubba and says, 'You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes.'

Bubba thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day, Jimbo goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.

'Logic?' Jimbo says. 'What's that?'

The dean says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?'

'Yeah!'

'Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard.'

'That's true, I do have a yard.'

'I'm not done,' the dean says. 'Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.'

'Yes, I do have a house.'

'And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.'

'Yes, I have a family.'

'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.'

'I am a heterosexual. That's amazing; you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater.'

Excited to take the class now, Jimbo shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bubba at the bar. He tells Bubba about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

'Logic?' Bubba says, 'What's that?'

Jimbo says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?'

'No!'

'Then you're a queer.'

Prohibition Poster Girls

If you were around in 1919 (just before prohibition started) and came upon the following poster...

 

I mean seriously, would you give up drinking?

Why Italians Can't Be Paramedics

Vinny and Sal are out in the woods hunting when suddenly Sal grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.

Vinny whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "I think Sal is dead! What should I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence .. and then a shot is heard.

Vinny's voice comes back on the line,

"Okay... now what ?"

Pubic Hare