Joke Of The Year

Two women were sitting quietly together, minding
their own business.

30 Truths About Maturity

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighbourhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever.

15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

19. I disagree with Kay Jewellers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

20. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

21. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

22. I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded plastic bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

23. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

24. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

25. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

26. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

27. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber and dumber every year?

28. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

29. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

30. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet money everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
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Redneck Monday - Proverbs and 10 Commandments

There are many rules in life and some of these rules are derived from proverbs. Here are a few of those proverbs that may help you get through life.

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on. the. spot.

4. 99 % of lawyers give the rest a bad name

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, THINKS SLOWEST.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psych-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. Ok, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, your're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'

22. Just remember--if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chololates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today may burn your butt tomorrow.

And fer you religious types outthar that may wind up in a rural church, you may need to understad the simplicity of the language. So to help you better understand, here is a redneck version of the 10 Commandments.

1. Jest One God
2. Honor Yer Ma and Pa
3. No Tellin’ Tails or Gossipin’
4. Get Yea Self To Sunday Meetin’
5. Put Nuttin Afore God
6. No Foolin Around Wif Another Dudes Gal.
7. No Killin’ - Even If’en They Need It
8. Watch Ya Mouth
9. Don’t Take What Ain’t yourns
10. Don’t Be Hankering For Your Buddy’s Stuff

That help any? Should! If not...your stupid.
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Man In Bed

I'm in bed wide awake thinking, “You're so handsome, funny, smart, athletic, sexy, and awesome...Man I love that mirror on the ceiling!”

Six American Medical Team Memebers Killed

(Director of The International Assistance Mission, Dirk Frans, said six American medical aid workers from his charity were killed in Afghanistan.)

From Afghan Journal on Face Book and Yahoo News, 6 Americans on a Medical Team were executed for being spies and preaching Christianity. Ten in all were killed and they were on their way back from giving eye care and meds to some Northern Afghan villages. You can read the full story from Yahoo News here .

Maybe this story will appear under any updates of Lindsey Lolife. But probably not since the Liberal Media shies away from mentioning anything negative about the peace loving Muslims.

But New York City is about to put a community center (sound familiar) and Mosque at Ground Zero. Do Liberals have no shame?
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1919 Poster

If you were around in 1919 and came upon the following poster...



I mean, seriously ... wouldn't you just keep drinking?

An Offer Fer U Ladies Out Thar

Here's an offer for all you ladies out there?



Any takers? No??!! Damn, didn't think so. Never is! Maybe one day...

Me and My Blackberry

When I bought my Blackberry I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Bluetooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-ul-ating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead, oh well, it was not a good relationship.

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves, but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look.

And I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, “No, but I do toot a lot."

I need to go back to my old CB Radio.
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In Spite of Ourselves

This is just a fun song by John Prine and Iris DeMent


It's from the movie, 'Daddy and Them.'

H/T to Nancy. Thanks!

Where's Sheila

Chelsea's Wedding Talk

At Chelsea's wedding, held last Saturday, July 31st...


Hillary wanted to play the perfect Mom.


She asked Chelsea... "Have you had sex with Marc?"


Chelsea said.... "Not according to Dad"

When Insults Had Class

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd poison your tea."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts.. . for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
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A Geography Lesson

Ed says:

That's your geography lesson for today.

Class dismissed.
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Beatitudes Of The Aged and Stuff

Truer Words Have Never Been Spoken!

The Meaning of Life in 13 Words:

“Inside Every Old Person Is A Younger Person Asking, What The Fuck Happened?”

Then there is ME:


And then there is the Beatitudes for people like me:

BEATITUDES FOR THE OLD

BLESSED THEY WHO KNOW MY WALK'S UNSTEADY
AND MY HANDS SHAKE
BLESSED THEY WHO SPEAK A LITTLE LOUDER
BLESSED THEY WHO KNOW THE WORLD IS MISTY
IN MY SIGHT AND IN MY MIND
BLESSED THEY WHO DO NOT GRUMBLE WHEN I SPILL THE SALT
BLESSED THEY WHO SMILE AT ME AND STOP TO TALK
AND LISTEN TO MY STORIES THREE TIMES TOLD
BLESSED ARE THE LISTENERS TO THE TALES OF MY YOUTH
WHO LOVE ME AND TREAT ME WITH RESPECT
BLESSED THEY WHO GIVE ME WARMTH AS COLD CREEPS IN
BLESSED THEY WHO MAKE GOD SEEM MORE FRIENDLY
AND WHEN ETERNITY WRAPS ITSELF ABOUT ME
I SHALL REMEMBER THEM TO GOD

HEY BLOGGER KIDS, WHAT TIME IS IT?

IT’S NUDE BLOGGING TIME, UNCLE POT!
(Yeah, clap, clap. Whistle, clap, Yeah, Yahoo)



Alright peeps! Let’s settle down now…
(Yeah, clap, clap. Whistle, clap, Yeah, Yahoo)

Okay! Thank you, now lets get on with the post…
(Yeah, clap, clap. Whistle, clap, Yeah, Yahoo)

SHUTIT, DAMMIT!
(cricket - cricket)

Thank you! Now own with the show.

Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their
soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few
shelves set up.

One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some senior is going to
walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a
curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice
asked, "What are you sellin' here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "Must be doing well...
only two left."

Seniors -- don't mess with them!
******
Jose and Carlos are both beggars. They beg in different areas of town.

Carlos begs for the same amount of time as Jose, but only collects about eight or nine dollars a day.

Every day, Jose brings home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills. He drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house, and has lots of cash to spend..

"Hey, amigo," Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as long and hard as you do, so how come you bring home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills every day?"

Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?"

Carlos' sign reads;

I have no work, a wife and six kids to support.

"What's wrong with that?" Carlos asks him.

"No wonder you only get eight or nine dollars a day!"

Carlos says, "Alright, so what does your sign say?"

Jose's sign reads:

I only need ten dollars to get back to Mexico!
*****

Three old timers were relating their most exciting experiences.

The first, a retired sheriff, described the terrifying excitement of a shoot-out with Bonnie and Clyde back in his younger days.

The other gents nodded and agreed that, indeed, would have been exciting.

The second, a retired fireman, related the tale of a huge fire at the university several years back. There were flames, fire trucks from several area fire departments, but the most exciting part were the naked coeds jumping from their dorm windows into his arms.

The others gents agreed that had to be a very exciting time.

The third guy, a retired undertaker, started, "One night I got a call to pick up a body that was under a sheet in a hotel room. When I got there, the guy had a huge erection. I knew there was no way I could get him through the lobby like that. So I found an old broom and whacked that erection just as hard as I could to make it go down." He paused.

The retired fireman asked, "So, how was that exciting?"

The undertaker answered, "Well, you see, I was in the wrong room."
*****

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he
noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders
hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.

'Thanks,' the girl replied.

The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. '

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'
*****

Not only did I get the last question wrong, but was immediately asked to leave.

The question was: "Where do women have the curliest hair?"

...Apparently the correct answer is:

'Fiji Islands'.

Now! Does anyone want to come and sit on my lap and tell me what you have learned today?
(crickets - crickets)

Ingrates!
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Hauling Dogs and Obama's Failure With The Media

Gotta go to NY again today. Dem dogs need a home so I gotta do it. Dammit!

But before I go, let me leave you with a few standup comics views on our under-impressive president, barry ’the ears’ Obama - he doesn’t deserve capital letters. Thanks to Weezer for these chuckles…


STAND-UP COMEDIANS, MORE THAN ANY OTHER GROUP, HAVE THEIR FINGERS IN THE WIND
ACCURATELY DETECTING WHICH WAY IT IS BLOWING.

You know the honeymoon is over when the comedians start.

The liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree...and we think 25 to life would be appropriate. --> Jay Leno

America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask. --> Jay Leno

Q: Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it. --> Conan O'Brien

Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser. --> Jay Leno

Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers, and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners. --> David Letterman

Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America ! --> Jimmy Fallon

Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers. --> Jimmy Kimmel

Q: What was the most positive result of the "Cash for Clunkers" program?
A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road. --> David Letterman

Talk About Milsupport - I Did

I got a call a few weeks ago from a friend and Vietnam Marine chopper pilot and who is also a retired Air Force gentleman (and yes, I do know some gentlemen) telling me his Parish was working on the idea of starting a Milsupport Ministry. They were looking for someone well versed on the subject to attend a meeting and give some pointers and ideas. Well, that person was busy, as were the next 50 or so they ask, so he ask me to do it.



I agreed and tonight was the night. I don’t mind, and even enjoy standing in front of strangers and talking. Though you graduates and masters of Toastmasters would be cringing in the audience like a kid in a classroom listening to the teacher scrape her nails across a chalk board, things went well. They had some very good questions and, though I had handouts of suggested items and instrucitons, many were taking notes (or doodling on the handouts.)

It was a room full of vets, a couple of which were Mustangs (men who joined as enlisted and went on to become officers) and people who were raised as military brats or were married to men in combat situations from Vietnam to the present.

I only talked for about 20 minutes and, as I said, handed out some information and examples of how to send and what to send to the troops. No one fell a sleep (the coffee was strong.)

Then a lady who was both a Marine milbrat and Marine wife with 5 kids, also gave a talk on the family side of military life. She talked her experience as both a brat and wife and about how the Parish could support the families with deployed people.

It was one of the most enjoyable evenings I had in many a day. Great people, good snacks and great coffee. Those Catholics really know how to put out a spread.

But more importantly, there will be some of our guys and gals getting some surprise packages in the mail soon. And that’s a good thing.
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How To Write More Gooder

In my continuing attempt to educate and enlighten you, my peeps, I found this awesome article at Christine’s place, here, and though you writers out there could use the advice. You’re welcome!

HOW TO WRITE GOOD
by Frank L. Visco

My several years in the word game have learnt me several rules:

Avoid alliteration. Always.

Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)

Employ the vernacular.

Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.

It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

Contractions aren't necessary.

Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

One should never generalize.

Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."

Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.

Profanity sucks.

Be more or less specific.

Understatement is always best.

Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

One-word sentences? Eliminate.

Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

The passive voice is to be avoided.

Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

Who needs rhetorical questions?

Now, peeps, go forth and do gooder writing.
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Well?

Hey Y'All!

Ya Like My New Look?

I even have my nude blogger up there.

Pimp My Ride

Been There; Done That
Just Not In The Back Window
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