Redneck Monday - The Last Of The Sayings - Maybe

I think this will end the sayings for awhile. There are other redneck stuff to talk about next week. So untill then, learn and enjoy:

Built like a brick shit house.

Howzyurmamaenthem? (How is your mama and them? - ‘Them’ being the rest of the family, relatives and anyone else closely associated with you.)

God made that there person as uuuugly as He could 'n then kick 'em in the face!

I gotta piss like a Russian race horse at the Kentucky Derby with a glue truck behind him.

The fish stinks from the head down.

You look like ten pounds of smashed assholes packed into a 5 pound bag.

That’s bout as dumb as lighting a match in a sealed room with ol grandma fartbags.

He couldn't hit the broad side of a barn while standing inside with the windows shut.

A couple of bubbles off 'plumb'.

Dumb as a cabbage.

Dumb as a fencepost.

Dumber than a barrel of spit and half as useful.

It was a long time ago, way back when I was knee-high to nothin'.

Just because your cat had her kittens in the oven doesn't make them muffins.

He's the meanest old bastard who ever shit behind shoe leather.

The last time I saw a mouth that big it had a hook in it.

He was banging her like a screen door in a hurricane.

I'll be back in a few, I have to drop the browns off at the super bowl.

He's slower than a two legged coon dog on a Monday morning.

Don't hate me 'cause I’m beautiful, hate me 'cause yer boyfriend thinks so!!

That boy's as country as a baked bean sandwich!

Always remember, you will go to Hell for lying just as well stealing.

She is pruder than a new sheep on the farm.

It's colder than a polar bears toe nails.

Cooler than a cat covered in puke.

He's almost as smart as people say he thinks he is.

Boy, when you got nuthin' to say, you say it.

It's cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.

It's cold enough to freeze the brass off a bald monkey.

I locked that thing up tighter than Casey's nuts.

About as sharp as a rat turd on both ends.

Wishing and hoping don't get you any toys on Christmas.

That made me happpy'er than a tornado in a trailer park.

She was so ugly, she could have trick or treated over the telephone.

That boy's momma shoulda hit him in the head and sold the milk!

I'd eat the corn out of her shit.

I'd drink her bath water.

It ain't nothing but a piss ant in the big ant hill of life.

Every day is just a role of the dice, and snake eyes is just a way of life.

Scared money don't win, boys.

Till next week then...
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Redneck Monday - Old Farmer's Advice

When I started Redneck Monday I told you peeps, and I’m telling you new peeps, that knowing a redneck is a good thing. Redneck and Hillbillies are the backbone of this country.

They are your best friend and your worst enemy. They are loyal, loving, caring, giving, religious and patriotic to a fault. They will be there with food and clothes in your time of need. And will help you fix anything that needs fixing. Some are not well educated, but are the smartest people on earth. They know life.

There is no p/c bullshit with them, either. What you see is what you get. They will tell you like it is and expect the same from you. They may get mad and hit you, but they will also pick you up and buy you a beer.

Hillbillies are the people who run the hills, operate the stills, run the garages and filling stations, build your homes and pave your roads. They work with their hands and use tools and equipment.

Rednecks, on the other hand, are your farmers and others who work outside where the sun beats down own their necks - thus the red neck moniker. Some hillbillies cross over into the redneck line because of being outside. But regardless, they are good to know.

One of the best known and respected redneck is the farmer. The lovers and cultivators of the land and who provide our grocry needs. These men are men of wisdom and sage. To prove my point, here are a few farmer sayings that could help you through life.

Old Farmer's Advice:

Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.

Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.

Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.

Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.

Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.

Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

You cannot unsay a cruel word.

Every path has a few puddles.

When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

The best sermons are lived, not preached.

Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.

Don't judge folks by their relatives.

Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer..

Live a good, honorable life.. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.

Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none.

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a Rain dance.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.

There, now. Don't cha feel a little smarter?
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