Going Home Late

I guess because I am elderly I was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and asked where I was going at this time of night.

I replied, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who in Hell is giving a lecture at this time of night?"

I replied, "That would be my wife."

Drunk In The Rain

(This Picture Has Nothing To Do With The Story - I Just Thought It Was Hilarious)

So back to the story:

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!' He slams the door and returns to bed.

'Who was that?' asked his wife.

'Just some drunken guy asking for a push,' he answers.

'Did you help him?' she asks.

'No, I did not help him,’ he said sarcastically, ‘it is 3:00 in the morning, and it is pouring rain out there!'

'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'

'Yes,' comes back the answer.

'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.

'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.

'Where are you?' asks the husband.

'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk.

The Irishman

 
An Irishman’s been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up some.

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrives at the door he stands up and, again, falls falt. So he crawls through the door and into his bedroom. When he reaches the bed he tries one more time to stand up.

This time he manages to pull himself upright but quickly falls right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him. She shouts, “So, you’ve been out drinking again!!”

“What makes you say that?” He asks as he puts on an innocent look.

“The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again.”