Friday, December 03, 2010

My Christmas Season Starts Now


                              Yep! That’s me!


Tomorrow (Saturday) I start my three weekend tour as Santa at the Pet Smart.

I’ll be in Duluth, GA, on Ventura Dr. if any of you Georgia Peeps wanna bring your dog or cat by for a picture with Santa.

The proceeds go to help my step-daughter, Dr. Amber, with her animal adoption and rescue group, Leftover Pets.

It’s a hoot doing this because I get to pet some awesome dogs and occasionally have a honey sit in my lap with her little precious. HO HO HO!
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Thursday, December 02, 2010

OBAMA DADT

The Seduction



A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.

She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.

At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs enough times that her husband finally asks,

"Are you wearing crotchless panties?"

"Yeesss," she purrs with a seductive smile.

"Thank God - I thought you were sitting on the cat."

He never heard the gunshot.
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Wednesday, December 01, 2010

Hitler In Charge Of The TSA

Again, I stole this from Bob at Nobody's Corner.

The dude has some great stuff.  Check him out and start following him.  That's an order!

Patty-Cake Cats

A Special Poem For Us Old Geezers - And Some Wednesday Humor

SPECIAL POEM FOR OLDER FOLKS

A row of bottles on my shelf

Caused me to analyze myself.

One yellow pill I have to pop
Goes to my heart so it won't stop.

A little white one that I take
Goes to my hands so they won't shake.

The blue ones that I use a lot
Tell me I'm happy when I'm not.

The purple pill goes to my brain
And tells me that I have no pain.

The capsules tell me not to wheeze
Or cough or choke or even sneeze.

The red ones, smallest of them all
Go to my blood so I won't fall.

The orange ones, very big and bright
Prevent my leg cramps in the night.

Such an array of brilliant pills
Helping to cure all kinds of ills.

But what I'd really like to know..........
Is what tells each one where to go!

And a little humor for your Wednesday.

 
 
 
 
 




There’s always a lot to be thankful for if you take the time to look for it.

For example: I’m thankful that wrinkles don’t hurt.

And for those of you who participate, Happy Hanukkah!
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Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Cowboy Tombstone



             Headstone of Robert Frank Morgan
                        Helena City Cemetery
                             Helena, Montana
(click to bigger size it so you old coots can read the small print)

Senior Bumper Stickers

















And never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and alaxative on the same night.




Sunday, November 28, 2010

I'm BAAAACCCCKKKK


                              TA DAH!!!
           (wild clapping; cheering; whistling)

I'm back. Last Saturday I made myself disappear and now I have made myself reappear.

Thank you! I’ll be here all week! Thank you (taking a bow)

Now I’ll fill you in of some of what happened during my disappearing act on our vacation (without boring you to tears, I hope).

Our plan was to leave around 8:00 p.m. and drive all night to get to Miami where we were to spend Sunday night before boarding the ship on Monday. Then we noticed that Mater Bug (named after my grandkids - J-Man is now Mater) the awesome GPS told us we would be arriving at the Miami motel at 6:00 a.m. Since check-in is usually in the afternoon, we didn’t know what to do with ourselves till then, so we opted to get a motel on the way down, sleep in and drive the last 4 or 5 hours to Miami. It worked out great.

On Monday, we boarded the ship early and enjoyed her offerings until we set sail about 5:00 p.m. We were at sea all day on Tuesday, docking on the island of Roatan, Honorius on Wednesday. We spent the day on the Pirate Ship, Black Pearl, with Capt. Jack Sparrow and his crew sailing and learning about the island and her history. We arrived back in time to depart and sail the night away heading to Cozumel, Mexico.

There we went on a snorkeling excursion. The sea over the coral reef was a little choppy and this 66 year old man had a hard time keeping up. First, the gave is short fins used for snorkeling. Not the long fins that let you move swiftly through the water. So I was snorkeling my ass off when I looked up and the boat was around 300 miles away and the rest of the snorkelers were about 25 yards behind me. With the swells and the tide, I was having a difficult time getting back. Also the boat was now 350 miles on my left. WTF??? But I kept trying, rolled over on my back and used the legs to get me to them. I look around and every one is in another location. So I give the guide the ‘I need fucking help right now’ sign (tapping the top of your heard - I like to beat my brains out…)

He swims over and ask if I am okay. I tell him yes, I always flail my arms and drink mouthfuls’ of sea water when I snorkel. It adds to the experience. So he calls me a smart ass (in Spanish, I think that was what he said) and got me a ring to float on and stay with the others. I still enjoyed it. I saw a stingray, and fish swimming around my head and mask - I even touched one - and many fish on the bottom. It was great.

I made pictures of all of this to this point. Over 200 of them.

From the snorkeling we went to a cool beach and had a late lunch and beach time. Bug and Judy went riding in a paddle boat in the bay. Mater asked me to go with him, since he wasn’t eighteen, so I said okay. I put my camera in the pocket of my trunks, got on board and paddled out to about 12 feet of water - slip, plop, splash - my camera is now at the bottom of the bay looking back at me.

Twelve feet of moving ocean is not the easiest body of water to dive in, by the way. But by the time we recovered the camera, the batteries were hot as hell and the camera was ruined. The ‘stick’ is so corroded from the salt we couldn’t retrieve any of the pictures. I was sick. On Monday I will take it to a camera specialist and see if anything can be done.

But the rest of the trip, the whole week, was great. It was great to be a sea again. And the shows and food and Bloody-Mary’s were great. Beer was cold and the bread fresh, the people on the ship very fun. Bug, my very shy granddaughter, on her own, without any prompting from me, got up and sang an Karoki night, then did a duet with a new friend she made who is also 12 years old. I was so proud of her. And Mater latched on to a very active 8 year old boy and was his buddy the whole trip. He has a hear of gold and loves little people. I am a blessed man.

So we got in on Saturday morning and was on the road home by 10 a.m. We also decided to stay overnight at a motel on the way home, so we drove up to Ocala and stayed the night. The kiddies are home now and I am resting.

I missed you guys. I couldn’t get on the computer (I could if I paid $100 for the week and .45 cents a minute) so I am now just getting to read your stuff and all, but I think I am going to bed early tonight.

I’ll catch up tomorrow.
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Saturday, November 20, 2010

Be Careful What You Ask For



Tonight, my grandkids and I were sitting in the living room talking. I said to them, “I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.”

They got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out all my beer.

They are SO on my shit list...
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Thursday, November 18, 2010

Gonna Get Back To Sea And I'm Thankful For That


                       (Celebrity Century)


See the salty lady above? I will be climbing into her like an old lover on Monday afternoon.

Judy, the grandkids and I decided to spend Thanksgiving at sea this year. Not your traditional holiday, I know, but everyone is excited about it, so I guess it works.

We are driving down to Miami on Saturday night and will stay in a motel Sunday night and board her on Monday. Why you may ask? Because I fucking want to, that’s why.

That, and because the parking at the port is $20 a day and we will be gone 6 days. But if I stay at a motel for one night, I can leave my car there for the week free. Saving a fifty bucks works for me.

Anycruse, we will be heading down to Roatan, Honduras for a day of snorkeling and beach time, and then a day in Cozumel for an excursion on a pirate ship built like the one in Pirates of the Caribbean. All the deck hands and the Captain are in pirate garb. I look forward to the rapeing and pillaging on the Caribbean coast, too. The kids will get a special kick out of that, I’m sure.

I will be taking my laptop, but I’m not sure what kind of reception I’ll get, though the ship does have WIFI. We’ll see!

This is our first cruse in over 3 years. We use to take one every year, but got side tracked by being fucking poor the last few years. Not that we are any better off now, it’s just time we back into the salt air and gentle motion of a big assed ship.

I wish y’all could come with us. It would be a blast. But you can’t, so I’ll toast to y’all several times a day.

I’ll still be here until Saturday afternoon, so don’t get all teary eyed just yet.  K?

Thursday Tunes - Terry Fator

Something fun for a Thursday.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Man Trim and 5 GOOD REASONS I AM GLAD I AM NOT A PENIS

Considering some Man Area Styling?  May I Suggest:

5 GOOD REASONS I AM GLAD I AM NOT A PENIS

1. You're bald your whole life.


2. You have a hole in your head.

3. Your neighbors are nuts.

4. The guy behind you is an asshole.

5. Every time you get excited, you throw up and then faint.
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Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Stuck on Toilet 'Cause Toilet's Stuck On You


My wife, Judy, had been after me for several weeks to paint the seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while Judy was out. After finishing, I left to take care of another matter, hoping to get back before she returned.

But wouldn‘t you know it, before I could get back, Judy came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, though, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.

About that time, I got home and realized her predicament. I was warned not to laugh or she wouldn’t visit me in the hospital - where I was sure to end up if I so much as smiled.

So to break her free we both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts. Judy wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room.

The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (try to get a mental picture of this). Judy, being the trooper she is after 17 years of marriage to me, tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."

The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them. I just never saw one mounted and framed."

He is now a patient in the hospital.

So, with all humor aside, I have found the perfect toilet (see below) and I want one. I want one bad. If I got one of these, I would also hang a flat screen plasma TV on the wall and put a camper refrigerator in the bathroom with it and never come out.



 
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Monday, November 15, 2010

A Special Hero Is Gone - By Accident


(Hero's Rufus on the left and Target At Ease)

These two dogs saved about 50 troops from certain death when they attacked a terrorist loaded with explosive material.  They were then saved and brought back from Afghanistan to live with two of the men they saved. One, Rufus, came to Sgt Duke here in Atlanta. The other dog, Target, went to a fellow soldier living in Arizona. Target was even on Oprah’s show.

Their story can be seen here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yuKLwMoGkzM.  I cannot post the video link to this as it is blocked. But if you cut and paste, you will see these little soldiers as the arrive in Atlanta.

Today one of my readers asked me to post this article.

Dear John,


I am hesitant to ask this of you, but my blog is new and I only have a few readers. Please consider publicizing this story on your blog.

http://www.abc15.com/dpp/news/region_central_southern_az/florence/pinal-county-animal-care-and-control-employee-accidentally-euthanized-'hero'-dog

This dog meant SO MUCH to hundreds of people. The last dog I cried for had been by my side for 9 years, but today I cried all the way home from work. Target's entire story can be found on the Puppy Rescue Mission Facebook page. Hundreds of people donated money, and dozens gave their time to bring her to the US, where she would be saved from a dog's pathetic existence in Afghanistan.


She was living with one of the soldiers whose lives she saved. She's now dead because of a stupid mistake.


Thank you,

It’s sad when we lose our hero’s after returning home, but when one as committed as Target is lost, it is doubly sad.  I pray that the Sergeant and his family find peace very soon.
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Redneck Monday - Mo Etiquette


Last Monday I learned you some Redneck Etiquette.  I'm a gonna do some more today. 

Iffin you seed any of these afore, it's my way of testing you to see if you're payin' tention.

Read and Learn!

DRIVING ETIQUETTE
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.

When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.

When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.

Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.

Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

PERSONAL HYGIENE
Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.

If you have to vacuum the bed, it’s time to change the sheets.

While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s own truck keys.

Plucking unwanted nose hair is time consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours.
Note: it’s a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.

DINING OUT
Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their mobile home costs just as much as yours.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes.

DATING (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY)
If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration.

THEATER ETIQUETTE
Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDDINGS
Its is not okay for the groom to bring a date to a wedding.

When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.

A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but also aproven fly deterrent.

A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance.

Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

Now y'all have a good week.  I'll be a sendin' you some more stuff next Monday.
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Saturday, November 13, 2010

Jeff Foxworthy on Muslims



If you refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.
You may be a Muslim

If you own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
You may be a Muslim

If you have more wives than teeth.
You may be a Muslim

If you wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean.
You may be a Muslim

If you think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
You may be a Muslim

If you consider television dangerous but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
You may be a Muslim

If you were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
You may be a Muslim

If you have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.
You may be a Muslim

If you find this offensive or racist and don't forward it.
YOU may be a Muslim

Friday, November 12, 2010

Nude Blogging and TMI On I-20



"HEY KIDS…WHAT TIME IS IT???"

"IT’S NUDE BLOGGING TIME, BEAVER JOHN!!!!!!"

Yep! That's right, kids.  Here I am in my usual motel in Winchester, VA, tired as hell, fresh out of the hot shower, some food in my tummy and trying to send you a post.  But damn it is cold in this motel room. Too cold for nude blogging. I look like a flat chested girl. Let me get the heater on…

There, now! That’s better. Now I look like a flat chested man again. TMI???

Speaking of TMI, awhile back I had a request come pouring in wanting me to do another TMI post. Peeps, the TMI post were not my idea, but one from another blogger who wanted our post to be linked to hers. Several did, but I guess she got tired of it and stopped posting them. Anyway, I thought I would give it a try.

Back in the day before I graduated from college and became officially smart, and way before I received my MBA, making me officially smarterest, I made my living as a route salesman for the Atlanta Coca Cola Bottling Co. and a beer company selling Miller brand draft beer.  One of the perks of these types of jobs is watching the cars go past you on the highway. Anyone who has driven a truck, from a pick up to an 18 wheeler (and I have driven all of them) can vouch for this.  Back in the day, a girls legs were know a ‘seat covers.’  Short dresses, shorts, long dresses pulled up to show leg... Loved it!


 
Anyway, I've most often seen is women giving their men blow jobs while he is driving on down the road.  Sometimes, he would slow down and let you watch her head going up and down like an NBA basketball.

I’ve even seen a woman giving her man and herself a hand job.  She was looking up at me and smiling.  I smile back and yelled, “Go, Go, Go…SSCCCOOORRRREEEDDD.”  Once a car came by and she was giving him head while a couple was screwing in the back seat - in a convertible.  And I have seen women with their blouses open playing with their tits almost as much as seeing the blow jobs.

Atlanta can be a fun place to work.

Anyperv, one day I was heading out I-20 in my Coke truck, with my helper, Clarence, riding with me. Clarence was a young kid who worked with me for over five years.  I call him a kid though he was only two years younger than me.  But I had just been discharged from the Navy and thought I was older than I really was.  He wasn’t totally all there, either. (example: my older brother was a vice-president of the bottling company and Clarence wanted to know how much he made.  I told him I didn’t know, but I would guess it was around $40,000 a year - a huge amount back in the 60’s - and he shook his head and said, “Uh uh! I couldn’t stand getting paid once a year.) What? Oh! Back to the TMI story.

This Cadillac come easing up next to me and stayed there. I looked down and there was this chubby man masturbating.  I didn’t want to see this so I sped up.  He did, too.  I slower down.  He did, too.  I couldn’t change lanes because back then I-20 was two lanes with a grassy medium.  So I just waited.

Clarence ask me what I was doing and I told him to look over here.  He leaned across the seat and said, “SSHHHIIIITTTT!  You like watching tha mo foker?”

I told him, “No! But this is going to be one pud-pounding he will never forget - if he lives through it.”

I waited until he was giving that throbbing thrill hammer the short and fast strokes and I jerked my steering wheel hard to the left and he went spinning into the grassy medium.  I could see him in my side mirrors going round and round about three times (we were doing 70 mph at the time) before he came (no pun intended) to a stop. I guess it’s hard (again, no pun intended) to hold on to the steering wheel when your hand is wet and you are shooting all over the place.

Best Big O he ever had…I hope he broke the damn thing during the excitement. Clarence was bouncing up and down on the seat and laughing and yelling and just being Clarence. He said, “Man, you don’t fuck with Mr. Coffey”

I said, “Well, men don’t, that’s for sure.”

Enough TMI?  Okay! Going to sleep now. See y’all later.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Thanks, Guys, For Your Service and Off To New York Again


Thank you, peeps, for all you have said and done for the veterans out there. Whether they be part of your family, or friends, or people you have served with or are serving with now, may all your thanks and well wishes be well received. I personally know they are appreciated.

And I am sending my thanks to all you guys and gals, as well as the families of these awesome people, on this day of honor. You were there when duty called. Regardless of how and where your served, you put on the uniform, went through the training, put up with all the nit-shit military stuff, and made yourself a better, stronger person because of it.

I hope you get to enjoy some of the special stuff offered in most areas today. Free food, special discounts, free entries to some cool places and waling with pride because you served with your own ‘Band of Brothers.’ Oh! Sorry! And sisters, too.

Me? Not so much. I will be on the road today and tonight headed toward New York with some excited dogs who are looking forward to moving into a ‘forever home.’

Might do some nude blogging on Friday night. Maybe not. But y’all will be in my thoughts.

Thanks, guys!

 
And Proud of It, Too.

Veterans Day – Mike Royko Style

This is not a typical Veterans Day post.  Y'all know I love and respect the dudes and dudetts who served and are serving, but this puts a different aspect to the day.

The late Mike Royko was an Air Force veteran of the Korean era and a Pulitzer Prize wining journalist out of Chicago.



Posted in Life in the Military, Why We Serve on November 8, 2010 By CJ Grisham

Matt, from Blackfive.net sent this to CJ and he wanted to share it.  Matt also publishes it ever year on his site, so maybe we’ll also make it an annual tradition. It doesn’t get any more direct and to the point than this:


I just phoned six friends and asked them what they will be doing on Monday.

They all said the same thing: working.

Me, too.

There is something else we share. We are all military veterans.

And there is a third thing we have in common. We are not employees of the federal government, state government, county government, municipal government, the Postal Service, the courts, banks, or S & Ls, and we don’t teach school.

If we did, we would be among the many millions of people who will spend Monday goofing off.

Which is why it is about time Congress revised the ridiculous terms of Veterans Day as a national holiday.

The purpose of Veterans Day is to honor all veterans.

So how does this country honor them?…

…By letting the veterans, the majority of whom work in the private sector, spend the day at their jobs so they can pay taxes that permit millions of non-veterans to get paid for doing nothing.

As my friend Harry put it: “First I went through basic training. Then infantry school. Then I got on a crowded, stinking troop ship that took 23 days to get from San Francisco to Japan. We went through a storm that had 90 percent of the guys on the ship throwing up for a week.

“Then I rode a beat-up transport plane from Japan to Korea, and it almost went down in the drink. I think the pilot was drunk.

“When I got to Korea, I was lucky. The war ended seven months after I got there, and I didn’t kill anybody and nobody killed me.

“But it was still a miserable experience. Then when my tour was over, I got on another troop ship and it took 21 stinking days to cross the Pacific.

“When I got home on leave, one of the older guys at the neighborhood bar — he was a World War II vet — told me I was a —-head because we didn’t win, we only got a tie.

“So now on Veterans Day I get up in the morning and go down to the office and work.

“You know what my nephew does? He sleeps in. That’s because he works for the state.

“And do you know what he did during the Vietnam War? He ducked the draft by getting a job teaching at an inner-city school.

“Now, is that a raw deal or what?”

Of course that’s a raw deal. So I propose that the members of Congress revise Veterans Day to provide the following:

- All veterans — and only veterans — should have the day off from work. It doesn’t matter if they were combat heroes or stateside clerk-typists.

Anybody who went through basic training and was awakened before dawn by a red-neck drill sergeant who bellowed: “Drop your whatsis and grab your socks and fall out on the road,” is entitled.

- Those veterans who wish to march in parades, make speeches or listen to speeches can do so. But for those who don’t, all local gambling laws should be suspended for the day to permit vets to gather in taverns, pull a couple of tables together and spend the day playing poker, blackjack, craps, drinking and telling lewd lies about lewd experiences with lewd women. All bar prices should be rolled back to enlisted men’s club prices, Officers can pay the going rate, the stiffs.

- All anti-smoking laws will be suspended for Veterans Day. The same hold for all misdemeanor laws pertaining to disorderly conduct, non-felonious brawling, leering, gawking and any other gross and disgusting public behavior that does not harm another individual.


- It will be a treasonable offense for any spouse or live-in girlfriend (or boyfriend, if it applies) to utter the dreaded words: “What time will you be home tonight?”

- Anyone caught posing as a veteran will be required to eat a triple portion of chipped beef on toast, with Spam on the side, and spend the day watching a chaplain present a color-slide presentation on the horrors of VD.

- Regardless of how high his office, no politician who had the opportunity to serve in the military, but didn’t, will be allowed to make a patriotic speech, appear on TV, or poke his nose out of his office for the entire day. Any politician who defies this ban will be required to spend 12 hours wearing headphones and listening to tapes of President Clinton explaining his deferments.

Now, deal the cards and pass the tequila.

- Mike Royko

Seriously, folks…