U2 Super Bowl Salute To 9/11

I just found this today; I had never seen it before.



I am impressed!

9-11

I WILL NEVER FORGET

 

 

Breakfast In Bed

 

HAHAHAHHAHAHA!

Now that is a caring husband!

TRANSLATIONS & OTHER STUFF

 

TRANSLATIONS

DICTIONARY FOR MEN'S PERSONAL ADS
40-ish....................................................50+
Adventurous...............................................Will sleep with anyone
Athletic..................................................Has a job
Average looking...........................................Beer Belly
Handsome..................................................Gray hair
Emotionally secure........................................Drinks alot
Contagious smile..........................................Really drinks alot
Friendship first..........................................I'll use a condom
Fun.......................................................See contagious smile
Open minded...............................................Will your girlfriend join us?
Outgoing..................................................See contagious smile
Passionate................................................Doesn't mind foreplay first
Wants soul mate...........................................I need a live in maid!

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS
40-ish....................................................49
Adventurous...............................................Slept with everyone
Athletic..................................................No Tits
Average looking...........................................Homely
Beautiful.................................................Pathological liar
Emotionally secure........................................Does prescription pills
Contagious smile..........................................Does any pills
Feminist..................................................Butch
Free spirit...............................................Junkie
Friendship first..........................................Trying to kick the slutty habit
Fun.......................................................Annoying
New age...................................................Body hair everywhere
Open minded...............................................Desperate
Outgoing..................................................Loud & embarrassing
Passionate................................................Sloppy drunk
Professional..............................................Bitch
Wants soul mate...........................................Stalker

WOMEN'S ENGLISH
1 Yes = No
2 No = Yes
3 Maybe = No
4 We need = I want
5 I am sorry = You'll be sorry
6 We need to talk = Your in trouble
7 Sure go ahead = You better not
8 Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
9 I am not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron
10 Your very attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH
1 I am hungry = I am hungry
2 I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3 I am tired = I am tired
4 Nice dress = Nice cleavage !
5 I love you = Lets have sex now
6 I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7 May I have this dance = I want to have sex with you!
8 Can I call you sometime? = I want to have sex with you!
9 Do you want to go to a movie? = I want to have sex with you!
10 Can I take you out to dinner? = I want to have sex with you!
11 Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm Gay!

Albert's Trip To The Store

 

A woman in a grocery store happens upon a grandfather and his poorly behaved 3 year-old grandson. It is obvious to her that Gramps has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle; cookies in the cookie aisle; same for fruit, cereal and soda in their respective aisles.

Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, Albert, we won't be long--easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she hears Gramps calmly say, "It's okay, Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

Finally at the checkout counter, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Gramps, again in a controlled voice says, "Albert, Albert, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Albert."

Extremely impressed, the woman goes outside where Gramps is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.

She says, "You know, sir, it's none of my business, but you were simply amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. Albert is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks, lady," said Gramps, "I'm Albert--the little shit's name is John!"

She's Got You

I got this from my wife in an email...recon she is trying to tell me something?

Gov. Health Warning of Women

I saw this on Sgt. Charlie's sight and it is just to important a message to health of women to not be passed on.
(By the way, Charlie is fighting a winning battle with the bit C and could use you support and prayers. Drop by and give him a big shout out.)

 

Click on it to biggerzise it.

Ponderisms

 
Peeps, you know how much I care about your education, and that I always try to give you the latest, most up-to-date information I can gather to further that goal. But sometimes I learn from you peeps, too. And when that happens, it is my commitment to you and your ‘learning’s’ that I forward the information on to you. I know, I know! I’m great and stuff, but it’s only because I care about each and every one of you.

So, the other day I was perusing several of my blogger friends ( okay, I was looking at all of’em) when I ran across this tidbit of knowledge from my friend Bob over at Citizen Soldier. He be a smart dude, too.

So for your continuing educational…uh…education I give you:

PONDERISMS

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about see ing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole @#?}%&! box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Okay! That’s it for today. Class will be continued at a later date that will be determined by me and a surprise to you. In the mean time, keep learning, laughing and loving (call me if it’s pretty good) and I’ll see ya later.

Your welcome!

John

Why

 
1. Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
2. Why do banks charge a fee on “insufficient funds” when they know there is no money in the account?
3. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
4. Why doesn’t glue stick to the bottle?
5. Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
6. Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
7. Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
8. Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
9. Whose idea was it to put an “S” in the word “lisp”?
10. If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
11. Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
12. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
13. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
14. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with the vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
15. Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try?
16. How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
17. When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, “It’s all right?” Well, it isn’t all right so why don’t we say, “That hurt, you stupid idiot?”
18. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
19. In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complain about the heat?
20. How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
21. If a first you don’t succeed, shouldn’t you try it like your wife told you to do it?
22. And obviously if at first you don’t succeed, then don’t take up sky diving.

The Bitch Was Mine...

 
So…I’m suppose to tell you about me hitting my seventh grade teacher. But it wasn’t my fault - kinda.

Mrs. Stringfellow had a bad habit of pulling hair. Not just pulling, but grabbing a handful and shaking the head while telling the tormented student (okay it was me) not to talk in class. Teachers could get away with shit like that back then. I have also been hit on the back of the hand with a ruler for poor penmanship, but that was pretty common among the classes. I wasn’t singled out for that infraction.

Anyways, it didn’t matter if it was actually me or my buddies Richard or Tommy talking, if she heard noise in my direction, I was the target. In all fairness, there was a couple of other punks and one girl that was the recipient of the head shaking, too. But I, deservedly, was the numero uno target.

One day was pretty bad in that I got jerked three or four times and my head was sore. When I got home my two older brothers, Bill and Jim, who were 15 and 10 years older than me, were home, too. I don’t remember why they were home, but they were. As I walked in the bedroom, Bill rubbed my head and said some kind of hello. I winched a little and he wanted to know why.

Dumb me, I told him about Mrs. Stringfellow and the hair pulling. He just chuckled and said I probably deserved it. So I was headed into the other bedroom when I heard Jim say, “If that bitch pulled my hear I would knock the shit out of her.” That’s good enough for me. If Jim, who had rather fight than fuck, said that was the thing to do, then the bitch was mine.

So the next day, sure enough, here she came down the isle with that look on her face. She grabbed me by the hair, jerking me up out of my desk and started to shake my head. That’s when I came up between her tits (there were surprisingly soft, as I remember it) and caught her under her chin.

She started to stagger backwards but was able to grabbed me by the neck of my shirt with her other hand while still holding on to my hair. She took three or four steps backward with me still in her grasp, bent over and trying to keep my balance. And just like in the movies when a car is speeding backward and the driver does a 180 spin to start forward, she got her footing and off I was going to the principles office, my feet barely touching the ground and trying to keep from slipping and falling.

She got to the principles office and, without knocking, flung the door open (good thing he wasn’t jacking off or humping a teacher or something) and threw me into the office and yelled at Mr. Cooper, “This little bastard just hit me and I want him out of this school, NOW.” Mr. Cooper, calmly but sternly told her, in effect, to shut the fuck up and get out. He would handle it.

And he did. We talked about what and why and he said that he would talk to her because he had been getting some reports from some parents about her conduct. But he could not condone violence in his school, so I was suspended for three days. She kept her job. But I had a rough rest of the year on top of all the emotional stuff. In fact, she moved me and my desk next to hers. I was having some rough times growing up and no support at home that year and my grades were not that good. So at the end of the school year she had the pleasure, according to her smile and the gleam in her eyes, of telling me in front of the class that I wasn’t being promoted to the eighth grade, but that I was being ‘placed’ there.

Back in the 50’s, the city of Atlanta did not have junior highs. Elementary was from 1st to 7th and high school form 8th to 12th. She just didn’t want me back in her class again and the feeling was mutual. She was never on my Christmas card list, either.

However, for a while after I punched her, I was treated like a hero by my classmates. I kept in touch with Mr. Cooper for many years, till he passed away and he repeatedly laughed about the incident and said that he often wished he could have done the same thing to her.

But I was on my brothers shit-list for a long time after that. Jim never admitted that he said that, but we both knew he did.

Passion After 50 Years

 

I was talking to a friend today and it was suggested I tell you about the time I hit my seventh grade teacher. I will in another post, but first I want to tell you about this couple celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.

An off-duty police officer was having a doughnut and a cup of coffee one night in the old restaurant when this older couple came in and sat in the booth next to his. Though he tried not to listen to their conversation, he couldn’t help it because they had to speak a little loudly due to their age and declining hearing.

When the waitress came to get their order, the old man told her that this was their 50th wedding anniversary and this restaurant was where he took his lovely wife on their first date. After a few brief congratulatory comments, the waitress left to get their order - the same one they had over 50 years before - and the old couple started reminiscing.

The off-duty officer listened as they talked about their first date and all the things they did that day, what was going through their minds as the got ready for their first date; him just getting out of the Army and her starting her first job at Woolworths.

Then they stopped to eat their food and then he said, “Do you remember what we did when we finished eating our first meal?”

She said, “Yes, you took me out behind the restaurant, leaned me up against the chain link fence and made love to me right there.”

“Yep! It was a special time.” he said. Then after a pause he said, “Would you like for me to do it again? Once more for old time sakes, jsut like we did back then.”

She blushed and said quietly, “Yes!”

The officer thought, as he watched them pay the bill and leave holding hands, that he had witnessed something sweet and very special. But he was a little concerned about their plans, due to their age and all. So he decided to follow them to the back of the restaurant, not to watch, but to help protect them from outsiders and be there if they needed help. After all, they were between 75 and 80 years old.

He watched as the man bent over and took the panties off the lady and then drop his own pants. He picker her up and leaned her against the fence and immediately went to town. They were moving like madmen with her legs flinging out and about in both directions, and both were moaning and groaning and yelling during their wild frenzied love making. Finally his legs gave way and the fell into a heap on the ground.

The office was alarmed and ran over to help the old couple and see if there were any damages from the fall and spirited love making.

They assured him they were unhurt and pretty good considering what they had just experienced. The officer told them that he was impressed that after 50 years of being together they could still make mad passionate love like they just did.

The old man said, “Yeah, well, 50 years ago that fence wasn’t electrified.”

I wish I could find an electric fence somewhere…

In Case Y'All Wanted To Know...

Rodney has some purty good reasons, too!
He crackes me up (and not in that way either.)

Dumb Blond

 

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, “Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately.”

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.

"Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip.

"And by the way, "the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

A Soldier

I got this from my friend, Ariman Mom.
 





A Soldier

There is discipline in A Soldier,
you can see it when he walk.

There is honor in A Soldier,
you hear it when he talks.

There is courage in A Soldier,
you can see it in his eyes.

There is loyalty in A Soldier
that he will not compromise.

There is something in A Soldier
that makes him stand apart,

There is strength in A Soldier
that beats from his heart.

A Soldier isn't a title any man
can be hired to do,

A Soldier is the soul of that man
buried deep inside of you.

A Soldier's job isn't finished
after an 8 hour day or a 40 hour week,

A Soldier is always A Soldier
even while he sleeps.

A Soldier serves his country first
and his life is left behind,

A Soldier has to sacrifice what
comes first in a civilian's mind.

If you are civilian -

I am saying this to you.....
next time you see A Soldier
remember what they do.

A Soldier is the reason our land
is 'Home of the free',

A Soldier is the one that is brave
protecting you and me.

If you are A Soldier -
I am saying this to you.....

Thank God for EVERY SOLDIER
Thank God for what YOU do!

~Angela Goodwin

Worth A Boner

 
I was coming home from NY today. It was raining pretty hard and the traffic was heavy. But down around PA exit 52 on I-81 they are doing road work (what part of rain didn’t the understand) and people had to be rerouted. I was at mile marker 74 when the traffic stopped. Just North of where another interstate mergers into I-81.

Mind you, this was at 5 P.M. on Friday and I had been up since 9 A.M. Thursday morning. I was ill tempered, tired and hungry. So after an hour I was able to move over to the right lane, then jump on the emergency lane and get off at the next exit ramp.

I drove around and though I had a chance to get back on, but you couldn’t see I-81 due to the trees. I was further South, but still not far enough and everyone was still not moving. So I make a u-turn and went back up the ramp and rode around till I found (with the help of Agnes, my GPS mochene) another feeder to the I-81. This time I was sitting still in the far left lane and NO BODY was moving.

I kept looking at the median (it was over twice as wide as the picture above.) It is one of those grassy ‘V’ shaped medians and I could see about a mile down the road. There was a place that wasn’t as steep as where I was setting, but, as I said, it was raining dogs and cats. But I know speed DOES pay sometimes and not having any scents helps, too, so I pull onto the median and took off. I got up to sixty miles per hour, eased down the median and let the left wheels roll into and up the other side and then my right wheels down, over and up. I kept up my speed as I climbed out of the middle and made a u-turn on the North bound lane and took off.

I had to keep the speed up because it was wet and slick and I didn’t want to get stuck and have the Pennsylvania Highway Patrol come over and give me a ‘wood shampoo’ for being so stupid (I prefer daring and innovative.) And when I finally made the turnaround, people in the South bound lane were blowing their horns and waving. I don’t know it they were applauding me or cussing me, but I was moving and they weren’t.

I got off I-81 a little North, drove up and down several little two lane roads (looking at Agnes and the layout of the roads) and ending up going though Mechanicsburg, PA. I turned onto W. Main and dropped back 200 years. That little town is beautiful with all the old homes and, further out, all the old farms and barns. It was well worth the detour. And I came out at mile marker 47, well below the other shit an I was running 75 and 80 mph until I finally got so tired I had to stop.

I haven’t done anything that daring and stupid since…oh…um…last week. Actually, it has been around 30 years since I quit doing stuff like that. But it was a hoot to know I still have it. That is definitely boner stuff.

Let's Go To NY, y'all

Well it's that time of month again. I know that elicits sympathy from those of you who are of the feminine persuasion, but for me it means I’m on my way to New York with another load of dogs.

I’ll be checking in, if I can stay awake, tomorrow night, so in the meantime I am leaving you with a little ditty that makes me wonder about you Texas boys…



Rodney is my man...kinda...you know what I mean...right...yea, sure you do.

The Economy Is So Bad That...

 
THE ECONOMY IS SO BAD THAT:

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Jewish women are marrying for love.

Even people who had nothing to do with the Obama administration aren't paying their taxes.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

Obama met with small businesses to discuss the Stimulus Package: GE, Pfizer, and Citigroup.

McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

A truck of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

The most highly paid job now is jury duty.

Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

People in Africa are donating money to Americans.

Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, "Finish your plate, do you know how many kids are starving in the US ?"

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

And finally...
...Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Hey, neat! The guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $750 billion disappear.

Best Field Trip Ever

 

TWITTER

Many of you who have heard the term ‘TWITTER’, but you do not know where the word comes from. Thanks to my buddy, Scotty, over at Trukindog (see my blog roll,) I can now give you how it was derived.

 

You are welcome!

Because I'm A Man...

 
As a part of my offering continuing education I now present you with a tidbit of things women need to understand about men.

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA is not an option. I will win.
______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, 'I used to be able to fix these things, but now
with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start.' We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of holy communion.
_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.
_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like beer, milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like 'thyme' or 'tofu.' For all I know, these are the same thing.
_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it.....though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator..... ( applies to engineers mainly ).
_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.
_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it.
And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you cried at the end of it, I didn't; and if you are feeling amorous afterwards....then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.
_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2009, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest...... Like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.

This has been a public service message for women to better understand men.

You’re welcome!