The Dictionary For Women

Again, in my commitment in educating the world, I give you a unique dictionary meant for the more enlightened woman. You men need to know it, too, because you need all the information you can get in order to live with these fickled beast…people.

Therefore I give you the:

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you’re right, but he just hasn’t realized it yet.

Bar-Be-Que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but he, “made the dinner.”

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes Dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minuets of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take it with you to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See “Magician.”

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space. If he goes in, he isn’t coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*birth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say, “focus…breath…push…”

Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his color, coloring only a tramp would wear.

Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning. “to go somewhere and neck.” After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage, and children. See also “tranquilizers.”

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Valentine’s Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

You’re welcome!

Beauty Is In The Eye Of The Beholder

And I behold a beautiful example of self-mutilation.

I found this on MyFOXla.com. The things people will do just to be different. I do nothing and that’s different enough for me (though I do have pierced ears.)

 

The world's most pierced woman, according to the Guinness Book of World Records, has added to her collection with a 6,005th piercing, the U.K.'s Telegraph reported.
Elaine Davidson, of Edinburgh, Scotland, made the Guinness World Record official in 2000 when she had a mere 462 piercings — 192 of which were in her face.

Nine years later, the Brazilian-born nurse has thousands of piercings including more than 1,500 that she says are "internal."

Surprisingly, Davidson says she doesn't like getting pierced.

"To break the record you have to get to a high level," she told the Telegraph. "I wanted to break the record. My family [doesn't] even like tattoos or piercings. But I am happy. I decided to change myself and be me."

Excessive piercing can be dangerous, according to medical experts. In addition to the risk of infection in and around the area of the piercings, people who are well-pierced are considered at high risk for blood-borne diseases such as hepatitis and HIV, which can be spread by reusing needles.

If you would like to see more pictures of this woman go to this site (cut and paste because I still do not know how to make links):

http://www.foxnews.com/photoessay/0,4644,5520,00.html

She is a nurse; wouldn't it be a hoot to run her through a MRI machine. She would look different then.

Why I Don't Fish Anymore

This is exactly why I don't fish anymore. Peaceful pastime my ass!!!
Why I don't fish

Knock Away

 

Saturday Humor

 

Here are a few of the jokes that I have received on my e-mail lately. Maybe they will make your weekend go by with a smile.
*****
Only In America

A couple in the backwoods of Kentucky (obviously) had nine children. They decided that nine was enough and decided to go to the local doctor to see about getting the husband fixed.

The doctor gladly explained the procedure that would be required; asking them what brought them to this decision?

The Doctor asked. "Why, after previously having nine children, would you choose to do this?"

The husband said that he had seen on a TV news show that 1 out of every 10 children born in America was Mexican.

"So?" continued the doctor.

"So me and the Mrs., here, just can't take that chance....nary one of us speaks Spanish."
*****

A heartwarming story.
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.

He approached a uniformed policeman and said, 'I've lost my grandpa!'

'The cop asked, 'What's he like?'

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,

'Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits.'
*****
God Knows The Truth
A small boy is awakened from a sound sleep with a bright flash of lightening and an instantaneous clap of deafening thunder immediately followed by yet another explosion of blinding light and thunder. Instantly the boy is out of his bed and dashes into his parent's bedroom to be comforted by his father who had anticipated his son's soon arrival.

"Don't be afraid, son, that is only God expressing His anger when a person tells a lie."

A quizzical look crossed the child's face as he looked into his father's eyes and asked, "I don't understand. It's in the middle of the night and everyone is supposed to be asleep. Who is God mad at now?"

Dad replied, "Well, son, this about the time they start printing the N.Y. TIMES newspaper!"

Grandma’s Boy Friend

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?

'Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'

The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'
*****
SENIOR DRESS CODE
I may have posted this one before:

Many of us 'Old Folks' (those over 50, WAY over 50, or hovering near 50) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We are unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to Conform to current fashions. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together And should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals!
2. Spiked hair and bald spots!
3. A pierced tongue and dentures!
4. Miniskirts and support hose!
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads!
6. Speedo's and cellulite!
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar!
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor!
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge!
10. Bikinis and liver spots!
11. Short shorts and varicose veins!
12. Inline skates and a walker!
13. Thongs and Depends!!!!!


Now, do you feel a little better? Hope so!

The Motorcycle Accident

 

From my buddy, Jim!

A gentleman was injured in a motorcycle accident, the results of which were that his "manhood" was severely mangled. After having sufficiently recovered from his other bodily injuries, he was referred to a plastic surgeon to discuss the options available to restore his most prized possession. The surgeon was most encouraging, stating that there were several options from which the man could choose, but that the cost of the surgery would not be covered under his health insurance, as it would be considered as "cosmetic surgery."

The surgeon when on to offer the man three restorative options; the first being that for $8,500 he could receive a "small" replacement appendage, for $10,500 he could move up to a medium, and for $18,500 he could opt for the largest. The man was somewhat taken aback by the surgical cost, but mused that perhaps since he had the opportunity to make the choice he would select the largest.

The surgeon suggested that since this was to be a major outlay of personal cash that he might wish to consult with his wife. The man thought this was a good idea and agreed to place a telephone call to his wife immediately for her opinion and then report back to the doctor within the hour.

Within the hour the man came most dejectedly back into the physician’s office and slumped down in the chair across the desk for the doctor. "Well?" inquired the doctor, "What did she say?"

With tears welling up in his eyes the man said, "I gave her all of the cost options and the anticipated drawbacks and benefits of each choice." - Silence - After a considerable pause, the doctor ventured a hesitant, "And?"

"She said she'd rather remodel the kitchen."

Women...you can't live with them and you can't kill them...can you?

Owed To The Spell Checker

Those of you who read my blog, especially my comments on your site, know I can relate to this poem:

Owed to the Spell Checker

Eye halve a spelling checker.
It came with my pea sea.
It plainly marcs four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write.
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite.
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
Eye am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My checker tolled me sew.

Moral Lesson

Two cars meet in the road and the drivers frantically gesture at one another.

“Pig!” says the woman driving one car.

“Bitch!” says the man driving the other car.

A few seconds later the male driver crashes his car into a pig wandering in the middle of the road.

The moral: Men just don’t listen…and women believe that a man should always understand what they mean.

Two Buddies

 

Two buddies, Scotty and John, were getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly John throws up all over himself. "Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!"

Scotty says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill."

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Eventually John stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time.

“You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!", she said.

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, John says, “Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin. Itsh snot wha yew think. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me... he had one too many! And he juss koudin hold hizz liquor. He said hes was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!"

John's wife looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks.."

"Oh, yeah.. I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too."

The Red Dot Explained

 

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. This is called a ‘Bindi’. It is not to be confused with the Crocodile Hunter’s daughter, Bindi.

However, most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian Embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab or a motel. If nothing is there, then he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with technical advice.

This is another service announcement brought to you by me in order to keep you informed and educated. It is part of my ongoing attempt to educate the world.

You’re welcome.

Another Damn MeMe That I Volunteered For

I saw this meme by Jan over at Tookie Tails (and I don’t know why or what Tookie Tails are) place and thought I would pass it along so you would know a little more about me. She didn’t tag anyone so I won’t either.

1. What is your occupation right now? Part time dog and auto transport driver. Retired Financial Analyst from Lucent Technologies.

2. What color are your socks right now? One is white the other is yellow from the pee running down my leg.

3. What are you listening to right now? The voices in my head…don’t say that, he can too. No he can’t. Yes I will, it’s my blog. No it ain’t. Is too. Ain’t! Give him some candy. No…

4. Last person you spoke to on the phone. Judy, the wife formally known as Sweet Tea.

5. How old are you today? I was 21 when I woke up this morning, 150 when I tried to get out of bed and about 90 right now.

6. What is your favorite sport to watch on TV? Nude Mud Wrestling and NASCAR (especially if they drive nude.)

7. What is your favorite drink? Diet Coke, Ice Tea, Bud Lite, Scotch, Bourbon and 7 & 7.

8. Have you ever dyed your hair? I know you think my hair is dyed gray, but, no, it’s natural.

9. Favorite food? Steak and/or chicken wings.

10. What is the last movie you watched? Knocked Up

11. Favorite day of the year? The one where I am not sick and still alive.

12. How do you vent anger? I beat the shit out of anybody I can find that is smaller and weaker than me.

13. What was your favorite toy as a child? My Dick!

14. Living arrangements? I agree to do what ever Judy says and she lets me live.

15. What was the last thing that you cried about? When McCain lost the election.

16. Who is the friend you have had the longest? Friend? What’s this ‘Friend’ you speak of?

17. What did you do last night? Watched TV, read blogs, got up a couple of times to pee and slept.

18. What are you most afraid of? Obama!

19. In how many areas of your country have you lived? Two, Long Beach, CA, in the Navy and Georgia. But, really, I live to the fullest everywhere I am.

20. What is your favorite flower? Martha White Self Rising

Everyday Items Usage

Here are some everyday hints for you (eventhough you dometic goddesses already know this stuff from years of paracitce.) But I think they are cool. I'll be sure to tell my Judy about them so she can make life easier on me.

Rubberbands
1. Open jars with ease. When a small lid won't budge, wrap a rubber band around it several times to give you a better grip.

2. Decorate Easter eggs. Arrange rubber bands in a pattern around hard-boiled eggs, then dip them into dye. Remove the bands when the eggs are dry.

3. Bring order to your dishwasher. Tether stemware and other delicate, wobbly items to the rack.

4. Wrap a gift. Use multiple colored rubber bands instead of ribbon to add modern flair to a small present. (Particularly handy when you can't find the tape.)

Toothpicks
5. Label meat. Are these burgers rare or well-done? They all look the same on the outside. Identify just-off-the-grill meats with different-colored toothpicks and they won't get mixed up.

6. Find the end of the roll. When you've finished using tape, wrap the end around a toothpick so you can easily locate it the next time.

7. Glue beads and sequins. Use the sharp ends to apply teensy items to a craft project.

8. Sew a better button. Place a toothpick between the button and fabric so it doesn't go on too tightly and end up tough to fasten.

9. Press a gadget's Reset button. What fits perfectly into that tiny hole? You guessed it.

Salt
10. Clean up a cracked egg. Cover the mess with a handful of salt, then wipe up with ease.

11. Dust a wreath. Place a wreath of pinecones or faux evergreen in a paper bag with a 1/4 cup of salt. Fold the top of the bag over and gently shake.

12. Remove tea stains. Sprinkle salt on a lemon peel, then rub it on a tea-stained cup. (Arched pinky optional.)

13. Shine brass and copper. Make a paste of a few tablespoons of white vinegar with equal parts salt and flour. Apply with a soft cloth, rinse, and dry.

Post-It Note
14. Clean a keyboard. Run the sticky side between the keys to collect crumbs and bits of lint.

15. Navigate the roads. Write directions on a note and stick it to the center of your steering wheel for quick reference.

16. Mark containers. Cut off the sticky zone and use it as an ersatz label for travel bottles so you don't confuse your facial cleanser with your hair gel.

17. File away. Divide a pile of paper into sections using Post-it Notes as you would folder tabs.

18. Play tic-tac-toe. Use a sheet for each X and O. Peel them up and play again until they lose their stickiness. (Or you lose interest. Whichever comes first.)

Felt Circles
19. Secure slinky garments. Stick a felt circle onto each arm of a hanger to keep clothes from sliding off.

20. Anchor a cutting board. Place a circle under each corner of the board so it stays put while you slice and dice.

21. Prevent tabletop scratches. Attach a circle to the bottom of a vase so it doesn't scuff surfaces.

22. Keep your kitchen quiet. Hush a banging cabinet door by sticking a circle on a corner on the inside of the door.

23. Protect the walls. Position felt on each corner of a picture frame so the edges won't mark the paintwork.

Clear Nail Polish
24. Keep an eyeglass screw in place. If your specs are a bit wobbly, tighten the screws and top them with a dollop of polish.

25. Secure buttons. Apply a thin layer of polish to the center of a button to keep the thread from coming loose.

26. Avoid rust stains in the bathroom. Coat the bottom of a shaving-cream can to fend off rings on the ledge of the tub.

27. Seal an envelope. When a flap won't stay stuck, find closure with clear polish.

28. Extend the life of jewelry. Paint a thin coat onto a costume bauble to prevent it from losing its luster.

You can pass these on to Martha Stewart if you want too.

Why, Why, Why

 

Come on in, class, and take your seats. Today’s lesson is on the question, ‘WHY’.

In my on-going attempt to better your lives, I will post a list of questions that you have but are afraid to ask (except Stacy, who sent this to me.) Yes you are, too! Don’t argue with me. You are!

Anyways, here are the questions:

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead?
Why do we feel the need to push an elevator button that has already been pushed and the light is on?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there is not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars; but have to
check when you say the paint is still wet?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manages to knock something else over?
Why, in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
And finally,
Why don’t you ever hear father-in-law jokes?

Now, I’ve ask the questions for you. I just wish there were some answers.

The Day The Music Died

 

I was 50 years ago today, February 3, 1959, that we lost three men who would go down in history as the first of our generation to out in a blaze of glory - so to speak. I was fourteen at the time and I remember sitting at the kitchen table listening over and over to the radio reports of the crash. This is one of the first incidences that effected my life in a way that still bothers me today. I may post about it one day, not that you care or anything. It just did.

MSNBC had this to say in part:

"The wreckage of a single-engine Beechcraft Bonanza was scattered across a small area of snow-covered cornfield outside of Clear Lake, Iowa. The plane crashed into the ground suddenly, so most of the smoldering rubble was concentrated in one area. Three passengers — Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens and J.P. Richardson, a.k.a. “The Big Bopper” — were ejected from the plane and died on impact, as did the pilot, 21-year-old Roger Peterson.

That happened on Feb. 3, 1959, exactly 50 years ago this Tuesday."

The thing that struck me the most about this article was the fact that the pilot was only 21 years old. I did not know that, and I wonder if lack of experience directly caused the crash. I mean, mid winter in the mid-west back in 1959 in an era that did not have the best of defrosting equipment? It goes back to the old saying, "There are old pilots, and there are bold pilots; but there are no old, bold pilots."

Also, I guess most of you know that Waylon Jennings was one of the Crickets (Holly's band) and gave up his seat on the plain to the Big Bopper. Buddy was ragging him on taking the bus and Waylon's last words to him were, "I hope the plane crashes." It haunted him to his dying day.

I also wonder how famous Buddy and the other guys would be today if the crash had not happened. We will never know, but what I do know is, it affected my generation in a huge way. We found out we were not immortal.

My Life As A Retired Person

 

For E.Craig