I have a chocolate lab named Gabby. She is a chocolate lab, has always been a chocolate lab with brown all over...until this past few months. The old girl (around 15 years old) has now got a white beard like her dad. Ain't she sweet? Me too!!!
See the halo shining over my head? I'm so sweet!!!
He notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be more than ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, 'What's with the money in the jar?'
'Well...you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Lexus.'
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. And so he asks, 'What are the three tests?'
'You must pay first...Those are the rules,' says the bartender.
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.
'Okay,' the bartender says, 'Here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in a minute or less, and you can't make a face while doing it.
Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back who hasn’t eaten in three days and is hurting with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.
Third - There's a lady upstairs who has never had sex...You have to take care of that problem!'
The man is stunned. 'I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila, and then do all those other things...'
'Your call,' says the bartender....'But, your money stays where it is.'
As time goes on, and the man has a few more drinks, and simmers and thinks. He finally says, 'Where's the damn tequila?'
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks...but he doesn't make a face, and he did it in fifty-eight seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door, where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon the people inside the bar hear growling, biting, and screaming sounds...then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped open and there are scratches and he's bleeding all over his body.
He says, 'Now where's that woman with the bad tooth?'
The moral to the story: Listen carefully to the directions, and don't trust your judgment when alcohol is involved! . .
Creative Puns for Smart Minds 1. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s Round Table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. 2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian. 3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still. 4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated in an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption. 5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work. 6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery. 7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering. 8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. 10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it. 12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, “You stay here, I’ll go on a head.” 14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me. 15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, “Keep off the Grass.” 16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, “No change yet.” 17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. 19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. 20. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. 21 A backward poet writes inverse. 22. In a democracy, it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism, it’s your count that votes. 23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion. 24. Don’t join dangerous cults, practice safe sects!. .
See on the left side all the followers? There are 122 listed, not to mention any that follow me privately - to ashamed to let your name be associated with me? Good, my job is done. My blog is not for everyone, I know that, but I am unique just like everyone else. I do know that probably on 10 to 15 percent of those names actually follow me and fewer even comment. That’s okay, too.
However there are some that I wonder why? In going over the list the other day I noticed some of you are very religious and blog about it regularly. That’s okay with me because I am not offended by your beliefs, but I have to wonder why in God’s name you follow me.
Some of you are poets and, though your prose are great, I just don’t have the time, interest or smarts to understand poetry (unless it more like There was a lady from Cass who had a dimple in her ass… - that kind of stuff.)
Some of you have hundreds, some thousands of followers, so why me? And some of you get hundreds of comments, so what could I say that means anything?
I do follow (lurk) many of you and never comment because there is nothing to say. Everyone has said it already.
And some of you have stopped blogging or blog so infrequently that I just don’t go there anymore.
But the ones that are bugging me the most are those of you who are followers that I cannot find. You have no blog or your name on you picture does not carry me to a blog. So WHO ARE YOU?
Now, as I said before, if you don’t want the world to know you follow me, I can understand that. And if you prefer to say anonymous like this, that’s okay, too. But I would appreciate it if you would email me (firstname.lastname@example.org) and tell me something about yourself and how I can read your stuff, if you have a blog. And to tell my why you follow me when you don’t blog. How do you know me?
Here is a fast list: Ali w6pea Lígia Guerra - Darning you are from Brazil - and your bolg is in Portuguese. Do I look like I can speak or read Portuguese? Didn’t think so. So why are you following me? Angiest, Denis Monique Coco Deb C. bluespinelgirl kalpesh sorthiya
Thanks in advance for contacting me…and for following (if you still do). . .
Got about a few minutes to kill? You can tell I’ve been playing around on You Tube again. But these are not your typical dance, swoon, daydream or fuck your fist tunes. They are educational. Listen closely and you will learn sommen.
I’m not a very good friend - I suck at it really. Case in point…
(Studly Hungwell, Judy Hungwell, Theresa and Matt)
Judy and I had the great fortune and opportunity to meet one of my favorite blogging ladies and her husband. Airman Mom has been a blogging friend and follower for a couple of years now. She is the sweetest lady and mom of two boys who are in the Air Force and two daughters who are her heart. Well, all of them are her heart. And that heart is worn on her sleeve as she does so much for our guys and gals in uniform. She even goes to her airport to greet incoming flights from the rock pile and sand pit.
She and her husband, Matt, were in town adding to her bucket list of visiting every major league baseball park where she can show off her O’s jersey (Matt is a Nationals and Pirate (or Phillies) fan - opposites do attract I guess.) After breakfast they were heading to Charleston for Matt’s Navy reunion. He was a ‘Nuker’ on a submarine and was looking forward to seeing some of his pals he hasn’t seen since the 80’s.
Wonderful people and I diss them by waiting four days before writing about it. I can hear y’all mumbling out there and imagine the looks of disgust on your faces. I feel the same way. I have been jabbing broken glass into my legs for hours now in contrition.
But I promise to not be so neglectful with the next peeps I meet, if you ever come back here again. I just had a few things on my mind and some stupid stuff to post. No excuse! Just is!
Love ya, Airman Mom and Airman (Squid) Dad. Come back, please! We’ll show you a good time in and around the ATL.
During these serious and trying times, people of all faiths should remember these four great religious truths: 1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people. 2. Jews do not recognize Christ as the Messiah. 3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world. 4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters or the Liquor Store. . .
If you can start the day without caffeine… If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains… If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles… If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it… If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time… If you can take criticism and blame without resentment… If you can conquer tension without medical help… If you can relax without liquor… If you can sleep without the aid of drugs…
A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and Blue.
Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"
Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place. Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- they don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?
The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.
Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.'
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.
This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.
I normally go to bed between 2 and 4 A.M. and rise about 9 A.M. each day except the days I go on the dog run. Those Wednesday nights I try to get in bed by Midnight and get up around 10 A.M. on Thursdays. Not this time. I haven’t talked about it, but my sister is in the hospital and is not expected to come home. I have mentioned before that she is more like my mother than my mother was. Decisions will have to be made on Monday. And she will be missed. But life goes on, too.
So I was up catching up on stuff, since I have been spending much time at the hospital, and didn’t get to bed until 3 A.M. and was up at 7 A.M. this morning. It is 8 P.M. now and except for one 15 min and one 30 nap, I have been driving and unloading dogs for 37 hours and I am dragging - yet keyed up. I will spend a couple of hours reading blogs until I all asleep.
So I guess that means the hens in the henhouse are safe tonight.
And speaking of safe hens…
Happy In The Bedroom? A husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight."
He was right!
When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknob...he couldn't get back in!
It’s that time again…gotta go to NY. I’ll be leaving tomorrow, Thursday evening. But I’ll try to be back on with the Nude Blogging on Friday night.
In the mean time, hear are some t shirts and possible bumper stickers that should give you a smile or to. Hell, you may even recognize yourself in a few of them. But if you can look at all of these and not at least crack a smile, you are in bad shape. SMILE, GOD DAMMIT!!! It doesn’t hurt.
I have Kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. ***** FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS! Except that one where you're naked in church. ***** Sometimes drinking too much is not enough. ***** Heaven is Where: The Police are British, The Chefs are Italian, The Mechanics are German, The Lovers are French and It's all organized by the Swiss. ***** Hell is Where: The Police are German, The Chefs are British, The Mechanics are French, The Lovers are Swiss and It's all organized by the Italians. ***** Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake! ***** My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be. ***** Welcome to Utah Set your watch back 20 years. ***** In just two days from now, tomorrow will be yesterday. ***** A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory ***** The statement below is true. The statement above is false. ***** I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other. ***** KENTUCKY: Five million people, Fifteen last names. ***** Dyslexics Have More Nuf. ***** In Memoriam With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started. ***** I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE Sometimes I even put it in the food. ***** Preserve the Spotted Owl (in formaldehyde) ***** When you work here, you can name your own salary. I named mine, "Fred". ***** Money isn’t everything, But is sure keeps the kids in touch. ***** Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol. ***** I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes. ***** Red meat is not bad for you Fuzzy green meat is bad for you. *****
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate. Please be careful!" ***** "It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!" ***** Don't sweat the petty things. Don't pet the sweaty things. ***** Corduroy pillows are making headlines! ***** I want to die while asleep like my grandfather; Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
Did you get a chuckle out of any of these? If so, GOOOD. If not, GO AWAY, you bother me.