Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Wur Da Doh

The Future Is Here - Almost

I have to wonder how safe the door will be in an accident, though.

Monday, August 30, 2010

My Old Lady Friend


I have a chocolate lab named Gabby. She is a chocolate lab, has always been a chocolate lab with brown all over...until this past few months. The old girl (around 15 years old) has now got a white beard like her dad. Ain't she sweet? Me too!!!

See the halo shining over my head? I'm so sweet!!!

Alcohol Will Do It Every Time

A fellow walks into a bar.

He notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.

He guesses there must be more than ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, 'What's with the money in the jar?'

'Well...you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Lexus.'

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. And so he asks, 'What are the three tests?'

'You must pay first...Those are the rules,' says the bartender.

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.

'Okay,' the bartender says, 'Here's what you need to do:

First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in a minute or less, and you can't make a face while doing it.

Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back who hasn’t eaten in three days and is hurting with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.

Third - There's a lady upstairs who has never had sex...You have to take care of that problem!'

The man is stunned. 'I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila, and then do all those other things...'

'Your call,' says the bartender....'But, your money stays where it is.'

As time goes on, and the man has a few more drinks, and simmers and thinks. He finally says, 'Where's the damn tequila?'

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks...but he doesn't make a face, and he did it in fifty-eight seconds!

Next, he staggers out the back door, where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon the people inside the bar hear growling, biting, and screaming sounds...then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar,
with his shirt ripped open and there are scratches and he's bleeding all over his body.

He says, 'Now where's that woman with the bad tooth?'

The moral to the story: Listen carefully to the directions, and don't trust your judgment when alcohol is involved!

Redneck Monday - Again With The Sayings

Well, it’s that time of the week again, peeps. More sayings to help you along life’s path. Enjoy and learn. Ya never know when I throw in a pop quiz.

Like trying to nail Jello to a tree.

Hard liquor and a hammer oughta fix that

A cat always blinks when you hit it on the head with a sledgehammer.

The more you cry, the less you have to piss.

If it were up to me, I'd take Heaven for the climate and Hell for the company.

Sure, drinking kills brain cells - but only the weak ones.

If stupid could fly, you'd be a jet.

Slightly burned out, but still smokin'.

I'm mad enough to drown puppies.

Five gallons of shit in a 2 gallon bucket.

Just 'cause the cat had'er kittens in the oven, don't make'em biscuits! (referring to
Yankees coming down south).

She's so skinny, she look's like a gut with the shit slug out of it.

Her mouth is going like a bell clappin out of a goose's ass.

I'll be dipped in bacon fat, before I do that.

He’s shakin’ like an old dog shittin’ logging chains.

Coffee in a can, sugar in a cup, poke her in the butt you wont knock her up.

That is harder to find than a white bean in a black cat's ass.

Wound tighter than a three day clock.

I was stuck hub deep to a ferris wheel.

Stuck so bad I had to get a four wheel drive helicopter to pull my truck out!

Messed up like a kite in a hail storm!

Happier than a woodpecker in a lumber yard!

She was all over that like a bad rash on a big ass.

Busier than a blind dog in a meat house.

Dumber then a coal bucket.

I could eat the ass end out of a rag doll.

It's hotter than two dogs fucking in an attic on a hot august day.

I haven't had this much fun since the pigs ate my brother.

I don't know what I drank last night, but my mouth tastes like the bottom of a birdcage.

It's colder than a ...bankers' heart.

Riding in a car with a crazy driver..."I was chewin' buttonholes."

How are you driving? "I'm keepin' her between the ditches.

Screamed Like A Mashed Cat.

Harder than a wedding dick.

Busier than a one-armed paper hanger with jock itch.

Stuck tighter than snot on a hot oven door.

He's tighter than a piss-ant's ass stretched over a 50 gal barrel.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Puns for Fun

Creative Puns for Smart Minds
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s Round Table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated in an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, “You stay here, I’ll go on a head.”
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, “Keep off the Grass.”
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, “No change yet.”
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
20. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
21 A backward poet writes inverse.
22. In a democracy, it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism, it’s your count that votes.
23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
24. Don’t join dangerous cults, practice safe sects!

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Stalking Cat

Is it me or is this just damn freaky.

This is a thing nightmares are made of. And no sound makes it even freakier.

Signs of the Times

Signs help us out in many ways.
They guide us, inform us, and, well…


Over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

On a Septic Tank Truck:
“Yesterday's Meals on Wheels”

At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit, please back in. "

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

On a Church's billboard:
"7 days without God makes one weak."

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."

At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff.”

On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the Electric Company
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."

"Best place in town to take a leak."

On the Back of Another Septic Tank Truck:
“Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises.”


See on the left side all the followers? There are 122 listed, not to mention any that follow me privately - to ashamed to let your name be associated with me? Good, my job is done. My blog is not for everyone, I know that, but I am unique just like everyone else. I do know that probably on 10 to 15 percent of those names actually follow me and fewer even comment. That’s okay, too.

However there are some that I wonder why? In going over the list the other day I noticed some of you are very religious and blog about it regularly. That’s okay with me because I am not offended by your beliefs, but I have to wonder why in God’s name you follow me.

Some of you are poets and, though your prose are great, I just don’t have the time, interest or smarts to understand poetry (unless it more like There was a lady from Cass who had a dimple in her ass… - that kind of stuff.)

Some of you have hundreds, some thousands of followers, so why me? And some of you get hundreds of comments, so what could I say that means anything?

I do follow (lurk) many of you and never comment because there is nothing to say. Everyone has said it already.

And some of you have stopped blogging or blog so infrequently that I just don’t go there anymore.

But the ones that are bugging me the most are those of you who are followers that I cannot find. You have no blog or your name on you picture does not carry me to a blog. So WHO ARE YOU?

Now, as I said before, if you don’t want the world to know you follow me, I can understand that. And if you prefer to say anonymous like this, that’s okay, too. But I would appreciate it if you would email me (johnjudyc@att.com) and tell me something about yourself and how I can read your stuff, if you have a blog. And to tell my why you follow me when you don’t blog. How do you know me?

Here is a fast list:
LĂ­gia Guerra - Darning you are from Brazil - and your bolg is in Portuguese. Do I look like I can speak or read Portuguese? Didn’t think so. So why are you following me?
Angiest, Denis
Monique Coco
Deb C.
kalpesh sorthiya

Thanks in advance for contacting me…and for following (if you still do).

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Sex Tape

I made a sex tap last night!

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Rodney and Friends To Entertain You

Got about a few minutes to kill? You can tell I’ve been playing around on You Tube again. But these are not your typical dance, swoon, daydream or fuck your fist tunes. They are educational. Listen closely and you will learn sommen.

Rodney - Going With a Fat Girl

Rodney - Little Things That Piss Me Off

Tim Hawkins - The Wife Song

The Woman Song

Last but not least:
The Man Song

Made ya laugh a little didn’t I?.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Maxine Is A Real Person

Peeps...I have discovered a real life Maxine.

I heart this lady!


Recently I got my son an iPhone for his birthday, and eventually got my daughter an iPod for hers .

Needless to say, I was stunned when the family went in together and bought me an iPad for Father’s day.

So, I thought I would keep the iStuff going so I got my wife an iRon for her birthday.

It was around then the fight started......

Monday, August 23, 2010

The Awesome Airman Mom and Squid Dad

I’m not a very good friend - I suck at it really. Case in point…

(Studly Hungwell, Judy Hungwell, Theresa and Matt)

Judy and I had the great fortune and opportunity to meet one of my favorite blogging ladies and her husband. Airman Mom has been a blogging friend and follower for a couple of years now. She is the sweetest lady and mom of two boys who are in the Air Force and two daughters who are her heart. Well, all of them are her heart. And that heart is worn on her sleeve as she does so much for our guys and gals in uniform. She even goes to her airport to greet incoming flights from the rock pile and sand pit.

She and her husband, Matt, were in town adding to her bucket list of visiting every major league baseball park where she can show off her O’s jersey (Matt is a Nationals and Pirate (or Phillies) fan - opposites do attract I guess.) After breakfast they were heading to Charleston for Matt’s Navy reunion. He was a ‘Nuker’ on a submarine and was looking forward to seeing some of his pals he hasn’t seen since the 80’s.

Wonderful people and I diss them by waiting four days before writing about it. I can hear y’all mumbling out there and imagine the looks of disgust on your faces. I feel the same way. I have been jabbing broken glass into my legs for hours now in contrition.

But I promise to not be so neglectful with the next peeps I meet, if you ever come back here again. I just had a few things on my mind and some stupid stuff to post. No excuse! Just is!

Love ya, Airman Mom and Airman (Squid) Dad. Come back, please! We’ll show you a good time in and around the ATL.

Sorrowfully humble, Coffey Pot!

Redneck Monday - Mo Sayings and Stuff

It’s that time of the week, peeps. Mo sayings to educate you and help you in conversations with us‘ens.


Dead as iced catfish!

His gal is so fat they hire a rodeo clown to distract her when grocery shopping.

I'm hangin' in there like loose teeth.

He's like a fart in a skillet. (Wound up.)

Well I'll be dipped in shit and rolled in bread crumbs.

I feel like a bag of smashed assholes.

She's wilder than a fifth ace.

Look, she’s as graceful as a sow on ice.

If you ask kindly, I might could.

She'd bitch if her ice cream was cold.

He's about as funny as a pissant floating on his back with a hard on tootin for the
bridge to open up!

He's so drunk he couldn't hit the floor with his hat.

I'm as giddy as a school girl on prom night.

Smaller than a tick turd.

Happier than a gopher in soft dirt.

Smoother then a hairy nipple on wax day.

You're so blind you would miss a crawdad playin' cards with Ray Charles.

Cool as a handjob on a honeymoon.

When it doubt, knock 'em out!

His family tree looks like a totem pole.

Her teeth are so bad, she could eat an apple through a picket fence.

I'm hotter than a tick on a dog's balls.

He’s about as useless as a restrictor plate.

Well don't just sit there like a knot on a log!

That won't last two foggy mornings.

If it has tires or testicles it's gonna give you trouble.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Religious Truths

During these serious and trying times, people of all faiths should remember these four great religious truths:
1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.
2. Jews do not recognize Christ as the Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.
4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters or the Liquor Store.


Saturday, August 21, 2010

Prayer Mats

A friend of mine just started his own business, manufacturing landmines that look like prayer mats.

The business is doing well.

He says Prophets are going through the roof.

Inner Peace

If you can start the day without caffeine…
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains…
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles…
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it…
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time…
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment…
If you can conquer tension without medical help…
If you can relax without liquor…
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs…

...Then You Are Probably The Family Dog!


This brings tears to my eyes, it's so sad and sweet...and true.

I do love me some Rodney Carrington.

Friday, August 20, 2010

Friday Humor

A little Friday Humor but remember...
Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain.

If you are having a bad day, remember it could be worse.....

(click to bigger size this one - then click again to make it even biggerest)

Now, go forth and have a great weekend.

Sweet Tea

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and Blue.

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

And For Equil Time, See Below


UCLA Study

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest with a ballbat up his ass while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected on this subject.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010


Dave came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said 'You died in your sleep, Dave.

Dave was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Dave was devastated, but begged St.. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Dave the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'

'Never!' said Dave.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

Dave did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

Dave was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon
laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell.....'Dave! Wake up. You shit the bed!'

A Prayer For Grandpa

Dear God, please send clothes for all those poor ladies on grandpa's computer.


Monday, August 16, 2010

Redneck Monday - More U Fer Missums

I'd rather have a sister actively serving in a whore house than....

Slicker than a bald tire semi on a mile of wet asphalt.

He's slicker then the grease off a b-b-q biscuit.

Faster than a bee stung stallion.

When I first saw her my eye's bugged out like a stepped on toad frog!

She is slicker than cut okra in the sink.

Your about as useful as bird shit on a pump handle.

I felt like a monkey trying to do a math problem.

He'd tear up a steel ball with a rubber mallet.

That boy there is a poster child for birth control.

Why I'll slap you so hard you'll starve to death before you stop slidin'.

Why, it's so cold here...we got dogs stuck to fire hydrants all over town.

Boy, you best not be messin' with me; I'll slap some stuff on your head Ajax won't take off.

She one of those psycho women that are like havin' herpes. You never get rid of 'em and they are a real pain

It's hotter'n an ol' settin' hen, settin' eggs in a wool basket in the summertime.

Boys, if I tell you a rooster can pull a wagon, hitch'em up. (Trust)

Candy is dandy but licker is quicker.

I'm hornier than a nine-dicked dawg in a kennel full o' bitches!

Well, butter my biscuits!

Wild as a March hare.

You shouldn't be huntin' anything smarter than you. Try huntin' worms.

Busier than a racoon in tall corn.

Her pants are so tight her butt looks like two pigeons trying to fight their way out of a toe sack.

You can see it clearer than balls on a tall dog!

Also, read the previous post to see how to save the airlines.


Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place. Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- they don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.'

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.

This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Bush or Obama think of this?

Why do I still have to do everything myself?


Bill Clinton

PS: Not all women need to apply.

This one didn't make the cut!!!

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Oximorons or Just Stupid Stuff?

Here, for your reading and contemplation edification, are a list of points to ponder.

I believe they are called OXYMORONS. Or just dumb shit.

You be the judge.

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

12.. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

13.. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels; aren't we clean when we use them?

25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

27. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?

29. How can someone be pretty ugly?

30. Regardless of how you thing of all the above, I believe they are all the same difference to me.

Friday, August 13, 2010

This Cock Is Too Worn Out For Nude Blogging

(This is how I feel tonight.)

I normally go to bed between 2 and 4 A.M. and rise about 9 A.M. each day except the days I go on the dog run. Those Wednesday nights I try to get in bed by Midnight and get up around 10 A.M. on Thursdays. Not this time. I haven’t talked about it, but my sister is in the hospital and is not expected to come home. I have mentioned before that she is more like my mother than my mother was. Decisions will have to be made on Monday. And she will be missed. But life goes on, too.

So I was up catching up on stuff, since I have been spending much time at the hospital, and didn’t get to bed until 3 A.M. and was up at 7 A.M. this morning. It is 8 P.M. now and except for one 15 min and one 30 nap, I have been driving and unloading dogs for 37 hours and I am dragging - yet keyed up. I will spend a couple of hours reading blogs until I all asleep.

So I guess that means the hens in the henhouse are safe tonight.

And speaking of safe hens…

Happy In The Bedroom? A husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight."

He was right!

When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknob...he couldn't get back in!

Later, Peeps!

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

NY Trip Again and Some T Shirt Funnies

It’s that time again…gotta go to NY. I’ll be leaving tomorrow, Thursday evening. But I’ll try to be back on with the Nude Blogging on Friday night.

In the mean time, hear are some t shirts and possible bumper stickers that should give you a smile or to. Hell, you may even recognize yourself in a few of them. But if you can look at all of these and not at least crack a smile, you are in bad shape. SMILE, GOD DAMMIT!!! It doesn’t hurt.

I have Kleptomania,
but when it gets bad,
I take something for it.
Except that one where you're naked in church.
Sometimes drinking too much is not enough.
Heaven is Where:
The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French and
It's all organized by the Swiss.
Hell is Where:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss and
It's all organized by the Italians.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Welcome to Utah
Set your watch back 20 years.
In just two days from now,
tomorrow will be yesterday.
A bartender is just a pharmacist
with a limited inventory
The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.
I may be schizophrenic,
but at least I have each other.
Five million people,
Fifteen last names.
Dyslexics Have More Nuf.
In Memoriam
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.
Sometimes I even put it in the food.
Preserve the Spotted Owl
(in formaldehyde)
When you work here,
you can name your own salary.
I named mine, "Fred".
Money isn’t everything,
But is sure keeps the kids in touch.
Reality is only an illusion
that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
I like cats too.
Let's exchange recipes.
Red meat is not bad for you
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"
Don't sweat the petty things.
Don't pet the sweaty things.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines!
I want to die while asleep like my grandfather;
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

Did you get a chuckle out of any of these? If so, GOOOD. If not, GO AWAY, you bother me.