Best Golf Story Ever

John (not me, I don’t play this game) took a day off to play a round or two of golf. Unfortunately he couldn’t find anyone to play along with him, and not wanting to waste the day, took off on his own.

He had played a couple of holes when he noticed this man at the next tee playing by himself. So he walked up to him to see if he would like to play together.

The man turned to him and whispered in a rasp, “Sure! I could use the company.”

The voice kinda startled John, and not wanting to be destraced by wondering about the voice. Asked, “Is there something wrong with your voice or do you talk like that naturally?”

The man said, “Nah! I was playing alone a couple of days ago and I sliced my ball into the woods. When I went in to find the ball, I saw that there was barbed wire fence with a cow pasture on the other side. There was also a lady walking in the pasture gently swinging a golf club back and forth…I assumed looking for her ball. So I thought I would go over and look for mine and, maybe we could help each other out.

So I was walking around, too, swinging my club when I noticed a gold ball lying next to a cow. As I walked up to the cow, she laid down with her rump on the ball. Now I don’t know anything about cows or how to make them move. So I just grabbed the cow’s tail and lifted up as high as I could so I could see the ball. Well, it wasn’t mine. So, still holding the rump up by the tail, I asked the woman, “Hey, lady, does this look like yours? And she hit me in the throat with a nine iron.”

John couldn’t finish the game…

Cheer Up

Cheer Up!

Spring Is Just Around The Corner

Flying Cheaply - The True Story

For those who have had to fly anywhere in the past year - especially those of us who have used Google to find less expensive flights - you will appreciate this.



Though not being from the British Isles, I didn’t understand the meaning of most of the dialog, the essence of the message is still there.


True, huh?

Woodstock - Between Winter and Spring

A few days ago I was going to rub it in on you snow birds still fighting the ice and powder.  It was like a spring day and the weather was beautiful.  The proof was the Bradford Pear tree in the front yard.



         (Yes, that is a for sale sign - its been there for three years - my timing sucks).


But that night a sever thunder and wind storm came through bringing some winter cold with it. Trees were down (I was spared), some flooding and roof damage all over the county. The tornado sirens were wailing and I was standing in the carport watching the show. I love storms.

Since then the weather has been typical Georgia weather. If you don’t like it, wait a few minutes…it will change.

Yesterday was a mild 65 degrees with a slight breeze. Today, rain, wind, and 45 degrees. Not that cold, but it's a damp cold. That is the worst kind. Sorta of like a mother-in-law cold…you can stand it, but you are not comfortable with it.


At anyrain, the Bradford is getting it’s fill of water.



And for no particular reason, this is the view from my driveway across the valley to the Kroger shopping center (during the spring like day.)

And seeing what it’s like in other parts of the country, I can’t complain.

Y’all have a great day, ya hear?

And y'all come back anytime, bless your hearts.
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Back Then We Weren't Green

In line at the store, the cashier told me that plastic bags weren’t good for the environment. I apologized to her and explained, “We didn’t have the green thing back in my day.” (I actually told her I didn’t give a shit and to just put the damn things in the plastic. But for this post I’ll give it like I received it - with minor changes.)


That’s right, they didn’t have the green thing in my day. Back then, we returned their milk bottles, Coke bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, using the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled.

But we didn’t have the green thing back in my day.

In my day, we walked up stairs, because they didn’t have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn’t climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.

But we didn’t have the green thing in my day.

Back then, we washed the baby’s diapers because they didn’t have the throw-away kind. They dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 220 volts – wind and solar power really did dry the clothes. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.

But we didn’t have the green thing in my day.

Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house – not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a pizza dish, not a screen the size of the state of Montana. In the kitchen, the women blended and stirred by hand because they didn’t have electric machines to do everything for them. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up newspaper to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.

And back then, we didn’t fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working, so we didn’t need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.

But then we didn’t have the green thing in my day.

We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty, instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time they had a drink of water. We refilled pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.

But we didn’t have the green thing in my day.

Back then, people took the streetcar and kids rode their bikes to school or rode the school bus, instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service. We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn’t need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint.

Nope! We didn't have the green thing back then! But we were healthier, slimmer and activities revolved around the family unit.

What did we know back then?

A Bedtime Story

A typical married couple were lying in bed one night.  The wife had curled up ready to go to sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book.  As he was reading, he paused and reached over to his wife and started fondling her "kitty".  He did this only for a very short while, then he would stop and resume reading his book.

After a few minutes of more reading, he reached over to his wife and started fondling her "kitty" again.  Moments later, he resumed his reading.  The wife gradually became aroused with this, and thought that her husband was seeking some response as encouragement before going any further.

She got up and started stripping in front of him.  The husband was confused and asked, "What are you doing taking your clothes off?"

The wife replied, "Well, you were playing with my "kitty."  I thought it was foreplay to stimulate making love with you tonight.

The husband said, "No, not at all."

The wife then asked," Well, what the hell were you doing then?"

"I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book."

Blogger Pimping Time

Ahoy, Peeps! Listen up! (Some Navy jargon for ya.)

I have a couple of new bloggers for you to visit. They are a husband and wife team starting their first blogs.  They are Josh, Melinda along with Miss Hannah.

Melinda is a stay at home mom to a 13 mth old little girl named Hannah. You can read about her birth and how mom feels about this Army life her at Home Is Where The Army Sends Us.

Josh is in the Army and is a DI at the Infantry Training School at Ft. Benning, GA. I know, guys…but he does seem to be an okay dude. There are no indications that he eats his young or anything like we were told DI‘s do. He’s just doing his Army stuff trying to beat into their heads some shit that will get his guys back home safe and sound.

He is also a two time deployed veteran and a Purple Heart recipient from an IED experience and who has just decided to make the Army a career…thus putting him in the rotation for redeployment again. You can read all about it here at Re-Up! I Am An Army Lifer.

So how ‘bout dropping by and giving them some lovin out of the goodness of your hear…and because I told you to, damit. Don’t make me come over there and drag you to their sites.

I also have a great blogger who is in the need for some more followers (and lovin.) She has set some goals for each level she reaches, too. She has no shame and is despret for attention. To meet her goals, she has promised to take off her sneaker. If she reaches her second goal, both sneakers. She will even take off her sockes if the third goal is met. The hussy! So stop by and give The Middle Child some attenton and follow her.

Thanks, peeps! You da best!

Retirement Suggestions - A Repost

            (Me and Judy Before The Beard - Mine, Not Hers)

This is a repost from back in January, 2008. I just wanted to give y’all a better glimpse of my personality and how compassionate I am (was.)

Subject: RETIREMENT REMINDERS

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Coffeypot (John to my friends.) Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Judy. When I took 'early retirement' last year, it became necessary for Judy to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age.

I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on table. I generally have lunch at the Waffle House so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, don’t we. So I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much.

I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard.

I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Judy. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy, though. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed, Coffeypot

EDITOR'S NOTE: Coffeypot died suddenly on January 21st. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club rammed up his behind, with only 2 inches of grip showing. His wife, Judy, was arrested and charged with murder; however, the all-woman jury found her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that he accidentally sat down on it.
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Navy Life - Not For Me

Sometimes I think I would have like to have stayed in the Navy. Then I realize that my mouth would not have let me do twenty years - unless it was in Leavenworth…A Gated Community.

Sometimes I see some videos like these below and I have to ask myself, ‘Did I really do that?’ Youth has no fear…but now, if I had to go through a typhone like the Kitty Hawk below, you wouldn’t be able to drive a straight pin up my ass with a sledge hammer.

At sea, very few days were smooth sailing. The ocean is a moving, tossing bitch and no one really understands the power of water until they have steamed for weeks at a time in all kinds of weather.

This is one that is just a little more sevier than a regular day at sea. But it was not uncommon either. Just up and down, left and right, 24/7.

USS Duncan (DDR 874)


My first thought on watching this video of the USS Kitty Hawk is, the ship I was on was a little over a football field in length. You could put three of my ships, nose to butt, down the flight deck. So if the water is coming over the flight deck of a carrier, then the destroyers are riding up and down like a roller coaster.

Kitty Hawk (CV 63)


It was fun, kinda, but after a storm, you are pretty worn out from all the swaying and holding on to things. And try eating with the room rocking and rolling. Fun I tell ya.

But then I think that I should have sayed in and...well...this will give you an idea of why I didn’t - besides my over active, questioning and arguing mouth.

1. Buy a dumpster, paint it gray and live in it for 6 months straight.
2. Run all of the piping and wires inside your house on the outside of the walls.

3. Pump 10 inches of nasty, crappy water into your basement, then pump it out, clean up, and paint the basement "deck gray."

4. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go the scummiest part of town, find the most run down, trashy bar you can, pay $10 per beer until you're hammered, then walk home in the freezing cold.

5. Perform a weekly disassembly and inspection of your lawnmower.

6. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays turn your water temperature up to 200 degrees, then on Tuesday and Thursday turn it down to 10 degrees. On Saturdays, and Sundays declare to your entire family that they used too much water during the week, so all showering is secured.

7. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling.

8. Have your next door neighbor come over each day at 5am, and blow a whistle so loud that Helen Keller could hear it and shout "Reveille, Reveille, all hands heave out and trice up".

9. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in the back yard at 6am and read it to you.

10. Eat the raunchiest Mexican food you can find for three days straight, then lock yourself out of the bathroom for 12 hours, and hang a sign on the door that reads "Secured-contact OA division at X-3053."

11. Submit a request form to your father-in-law, asking if it's ok for you to leave your house before 3pm.

12. Invite 200 of your not-so-closest friends to come over, then board up all the windows and doors to your house for 6 months. After the 6 months is up, take down the boards, wave at your friends and family through the front window of your home...you can't leave until the next day you have duty.

13. Shower with above-mentioned friends.

14. Make your family qualify to operate all the appliances in your home (i.e. Dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.).

15. Walk around your car for 4 hours checking the tire pressure every 15 minutes.

16. Sit in your car and let it run for 4 hours before going anywhere. This is to ensure your engine is properly "lighted off."

17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house, and sweep your driveway 3 times a day, whether they need it or not. (Now sweepers, start your brooms, clean sweep down fore and aft, empty all trashcans over the fantail)

18. Repaint your entire house once a month.

19. Cook all of your food blindfolded, groping for any spice and seasoning you can get your hands on.

20.Use eighteen scoops of budget coffee grounds per pot, and allow each pot to sit 5 hours before drinking.

21. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item.

22. Spend $20,000 on a satellite system for your TV, but only watch BET and ESPN.

23. Avoid watching TV with the exception of movies which are played in the middle of the night. Have the family vote on which movie to watch and then show a different one.

24. Have your 5-year-old cousin give you a haircut with goat shears.

25. Sew back pockets to the front of your pants.

26. Spend 2 weeks in the red-light districts of Europe, and call it "world travel."

27. Attempt to spend 5 years working at McDonalds, and NOT get promoted.

28. Ensure that any promotions you do get are from stepping on the dead bodies of your co-workers.

29. Needle gun the aluminum siding on your house after your neighbors have gone to bed.

30. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone, and shout at the top of your lungs that your home is under attack, and order them to man their battle stations. ("General quarters, general quarters, all hands man your battle stations")

31. Make your family menu a week ahead of time and do so without checking the pantry and refrigerator.

32. Post a menu on the refrigerator door informing your family that you are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for at least an hour, when they finally get to the kitchen, tell them that you are out of steak, but you have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they don't pay attention to the menu any more so they just ask for hot dogs.

33.When baking a cake, prop up one side of the pan while it is in the oven. Spread icing on real thick to level it off.

34. In the middle of January, place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have you family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4-hour intervals.

35. Lock yourself and your family in your house for 6 weeks. Then tell them that at the end of the 6th week you're going to take them to Disneyland for "weekend liberty." When the end of the 6th week rolls around, inform them that Disneyland has been canceled due to the fact that they need to get ready for Engineering-certification, and that it will be another week before they can leave the house.

36. In your grim, gray dumpster (refer to #1), with 200 of your not-so-closest friend (cite para. 12) regardless of gender, suffer through PMS!

37. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have you wife whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep. She should then shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble "Sorry, wrong rack."

38. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of your bathtub, move the shower head to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you shut off the water while you soap down.

39. When there is a thunderstorm in your area, find a wobbly rocking chair and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous. have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket.

40. Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.

41. For ex-engineering types: leave the lawn mower running in your living room eight hours a day.

42. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.

43.Once a week, blow compressed air up your chimney, making sure the wind carries the soot onto your neighbors house. Ignore his complaints.

44. Every other month buy green or red marine primer and put it in a paint sprayer. Spray it over the roof of your house onto your neighbors car. Ignore his complaints.

45. Lock wire the lug nuts on your car.

46. Buy a trash compactor, but use it only once a week. Store the garbage on the other side of your bathtub.

47. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread.

48. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night, jump up and get dressed as fast as you can making sure you button up the top button on your shirt, stuff you pants into your socks. Run out into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose.

49. Once a month, take every major appliance apart and put them back together again.

50. Install a fluorescent lamp under the coffee table and then get under it and read books.

51. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of your front and back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through one of them.

52. Every so often, throw the cat in the pool and shout "Man overboard, starboard side" Then run into the house and sweep all the pots and dishes off the counter. Yell at the wife and kids for not having the kitchen "stowed for sea."

53. Put on the headphones from your stereo set, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck with string. Go stand in front of your stove. Say ... to no one in particular "Stove manned and ready" Stand there for three or four hours. And say again to no one in particular "stove secured." Roll up your headphones and paper cup and place them in a box.

54. For airdales, install a steel roof, hire a neighbor to stop by at random times to throw 2 x 4's and steel chains on it.

Get the picture?
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Disaster Area - Father Searches For Son

“Oh, No!” he gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him. Never in his 40 years of like had he seen anything like it. How anyone could have survived he did not know.

He could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruciton he would find his 16-year-old son. Only the slim hope of finding Danny kept him from turning and fleeing the scene. He took a deep breath and preceded.

Walking was virtually impossible with so many things strewn across his path. He moved ahead slowly.

“Danny, Danny!” he whispered to himself. He tripped oand almost fell several times. He heard someone, or something, move. At least he thought he did. Perhaps he was just hoping he did.

He shook his head and felt his gut tighten. He couldn’t understand how this could have happened. There was some light, but not enough to see very much.

Something cold and wet brushed against his hand. He jerked it away. In desperation, he took another step then cired out, “Danny!”

From a nearby pile of unidentified material, he heard his son.

“Yes, Dad,” he said in a voice so weak it could hardly be heard.

“It’s time to get up and get ready for school,” the man sighed, “and for Christ sake clean up this room.”
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Andy Rooney On Women Over 50

       60 Minutes Correspondent Andy Rooney (CBS)


“As I grow in age, I value women over 50 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 50 will never wake you in the middle of the night & ask, 'What are you thinking?'  She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 50 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it.  She goes and does something she wants to do & it's usually more interesting.

Women over 50 are dignified.  They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant.  Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved.  They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

Women get psychic as they age.  You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 50.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 50 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest.  They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk or if you are acting like one.  You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 50 for a multitude of reasons.  Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal.  For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 50, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress.  Ladies, I apologize.

For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?’ Here's an update for you.

Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage.

Why?

Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!”

Andy Rooney is a really smart guy!

The Brotherhood Has Spoken

This morning the Muslim Brotherhood warned the United States that if we continued to meddle in Egypt’s affairs, they intend to cut off America's supply of 7-11 and Motel 6 managers.

If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell, AT&T and AOL customer service reps.

Finally, if all else fails, they have threatened not to send us any more presidents.

It's gonna get ugly, people.

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Some More Friday Humor

How about starting the weekend with a simle, or maybe even a chuckle. So to tickle your funny bone, I give you these humorous additions:

It was the coldest winter ever. Many animals died because of the cold.

The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided to group together to keep warm.  This way they covered and protected themselves; but the quills of each one wounded their closest companions.

After awhile, they decided to distance themselves one from the other and they began to die, alone and frozen.  So they had to make a choice: either accept the quills of their companions or disappear from the Earth.

Wisely, they decided to go back to being together.  They learned to live with the lit t le wounds caused by the close relationship with their companions in order to receive the heat that came from the others. This way they were able to survive.

The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people, but when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others and can admire the other person’s good qualities.

The moral of the story is: Just learn to live with the Pricks in your life!
*****

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.  It's a hot day and the water looks inviting so the drunk walks into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.  The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze.  Whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

'Yes I am' replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river.  He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother, have you found Jesus?'

The drunk replies, 'No, I haven't.'

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time.  He pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus, my brother?'

The drunk again answers breathlessly, 'No, I have not found Jesus.'

By this time the preacher is at his wits end, so he dunks the drunk in the water again.  But this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.

When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up.  The preacher asks the drunk again, 'For the love of God, have you found Jesus?'

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,

'No! Are you sure this is where he fell in?'
*****

Replacement Costs...A man wakes up in the hospital, completely bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Good, I see you've regained consciousness.  Now, you won't remember this, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway.  You're going to be OK, you'll walk again and everything, but I'm very sad to say that your penis was completely severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis.  They work great but they don't come cheap.  It's roughly $1000 an inch."

The man perks up.

"So," the doctor says, "you must decide how many inches you want.  But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife.  If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out.  However, if you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher, now she might be disappointed.  It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.  The doctor comes back in the next day.

"So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes" says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite countertops."
*****

Bertha was dead.  The minister conducter her eulogy with heartfelt gusto.

"Bertha married at a very young age and had 13 children, but her husband died.  She remarried and had 7 more children with her second husband.  Again, her husband died.  But, she married yet again and this time had 5 more children.  And again, her husband died.  Then alas, she finally died," he intoned.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for Bertha.  He thanked The Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her friend Jane, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"

Jane replied, "I think he means her legs..."
*****

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette.  They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard - a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.  One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment.

They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.

'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear.  And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.

Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around.  So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb.  The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next.  He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.  In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle!  I went out and I FOUND me a bear.  And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD!  But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.  So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle.  We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek.

So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul.  And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.  We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed.  He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him.

He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it,......circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
*****

The Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to the Montana ranchers for controlling the coyote population.  It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true method of shooting or trapping the predators, the Sierra Club had a "more humane" solution to this issue.

What they were proposing was for the animals to be captured alive.  The males would then be castrated and let loose again.

This was ACTUALLY proposed by the Sierra Club and by the U.S. Forest Service.

All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.  Finally an old fellow wearing a big cowboy hat in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said;

"Son, I don't think you understand our problem here.  These coyotes ain't screwing' our sheep...they're eatin' 'em!"

The meeting never really got back to order. . .
*****

Hope these made you smile - regardless of the weather or your rotten kids.

Laughing Baby

You are never too young to start smoking dope.



Wonder what he's like at feeding time. Does the word Parana come to mind.

Chicken Wire Art

Chicken wire is used to make fences, paper-mache objects, building stucco walls, creating shapes for bushes and hedges and art.

But this British-born artist Ivan Lovatt found another use for it.










His artwork sells for $9,000 to $18,000.



And check out the Irish Ghost Story following this.
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An Irish Ghost Story

Allan Mays, a 60 yr. old tourist from Midlothian VA, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm.  No cars were traveling that night.  The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stop.  Allan, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door....only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!!

The car started moving slowly.  Allan looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching.  Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.  Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel.  Allan, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter Allan saw the lights of a pub appear down the road.  So, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to the pub.  Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.  A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and....wasn't drunk.

Suddenly the door opened and two other people walked in from the stormy night.  They, like Allan, were also soaked and out of breath.  Looking around, and seeing Allan Mayes sobbing at the bar, one said to the other.....

'Look Paddy...there's that fouking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it.'
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Heart Attack - My Story - Wimpy As It Is

It will be seven years next month since I had my heart attack.

Let me start by saying that I was First Aid/CPR certified at my work for years and I have helped with three heart attacks (lost one, but later on in the hospital combined with other maladies) and I know the biggest killer of heart attacks is denial.

Back in ‘04 I had an appointment to see a doctor about having my gall bladder removed, but we had to go to K-mart first to pick up a couple of swimsuits for the grandkids. We were going out on the boat for the day after the appointment, but they forgot their trunks.

Anyheartattack, I started having mild chest pains and a little more sever pain in my left arm. Kinda nauseated, too. I told Judy that I was having some pain, but since we were going to the doctor anyway, I would ask them later. Duh! Denial!

The pain was getting worse when we walked into the doctors office. I went to the window to check in and told the lady that I probably need to see the doctor soon because of the symptoms. She took me right in, the doctor came in and, without checking anything, said I was having a heart attack and he was calling an ambulance. I wouldn’t let him as we were ACROSS the street from the hospital. So Judy drove me over.

The ER took me right in and I felt like a sugar cube on an ant hill with all the people working on me. I had a 90% blockage in one of the arteries, but with the blood thinners and other drugs, I was made stable until a surgical room and team were made available at another hospital in Atlanta (we were in Marietta - 30 miles northwest of the ATL). So I had to spend the night there.

I experienced the whole TV scenes of riding down the hall on a gurney watching the ceiling lights pass by, the nurses and orderlies talking and assuring me it wasn’t time to meet my maker (never thought it was, by the way) and the joy of riding in an ambulance with the EMT yapping the whole time. I asked him to cool it, but he said he had to talk and ask questions to keep me awake and not die on him. I told him I was not going to fucking die and to shut up. He laughed…said he hears that all the time…even from the ones who did die. Asshole!

I remember being wheeled into the surgical room, and was disappointed that the room was so small and there weren’t twenty people gathered around and trays of instruments and one of those ‘shocking the shit out of you‘ machines standing by.


                It did not look like this:

Anyslice, the doctor (Dr Snapper - yep, that’s his name) explained what he was gonna do and how he was gonna do it.


This is what the procedure looks like.

I was told to count backward from ten. 

I said ‘Ten’ and was out. I have always been an easy druggie.

They went in through the groan area and I remember, in that twilight phase just before waking up, dreaming that he put a hot brick on my incision (I knew in my dream that I was having surgery) and leaned on it with his whole weight.  It hurt like hell.

Now I’m not a wimp when it comes to pain.  I had my right hand crushed in an industrial accident; had surgery, pins, cast, the whole nine yards and never felt uncomfortable.  But this hurt like a bitch and I remember saying so in my dream.  The nurse who was watching over me in recover said I was very vocal.  I didn’t know it (because I was out cold, yah know) and was embarrassed about it.  She just laughed and said she had seen much worse.

I was very sore for a couple of days, but nothing debilitating.  I was amazed at how small the incision was compared to the pain I felt.  I may have to have another one in the future, too.  I have another artery that is trying to clog up, but he thinks the drugs I take, plus the aspirin regiment, will slow it down.

I have been through three nuclear stress test and pass them all (i.e. I lived through them.  If  you have ever had one, you know it is hell.)…I was scheduled for one a couple of months ago.  But when I went in she told me my co-pay would be $690.

I left.

I’m 66 years old and in the ‘too old to have a procedure’ under the Obama Health Care plan.  So next time, instead of surgery, I will just be told to bend over real low and kiss my ass goodbye.

Just though you would like to know…in case I don’t show up for a few days.

You Might Be A Blogger If...

In reading the many blogs I follow, plus visiting others that comment on those blogs, I noticed some of you wonder if blogging is right for you. And there are others who just lurk but never comment or have a blog of their own. And many wonder if they are a true blogger. Well, peeps, wonder no more.

If you can say ‘Yes’ to any of these, then you are an official blogger. And you lurkers and anonymous commenter’s out there, if you can answer any of these in the positive, then give it up and start your own blog. You are probably the most interesting person that has yet you be read.

So…

You might be a blogger if...

...you've ever secretly considered recording your friends for blog ideas.

...you daydream someone really important will read your blog and offer you:
a book deal.
a column.
a host opportunity.
to name their newborn child after you.

...you face motherhood embarrassment with a twinge of excitement knowing it's awesome blog fodder.

...your kids know what a blog is.

...you're living proof that truth is stranger than fiction.

...you still feel a teeny thrill every time you click "publish".

...your girlfriends preface conversations with, "Don't put this on your blog, but..."

...you feel like you've been blogging for a million+ years when it's really only been 10 months.

...you've been made to feel dirty (and not in a good way) by search terms.

...spam comments are so complimentary you consider approving them.

...your reader dominates you.

...you have cyber BFF's.

...your baby's first word was "blog".

...you drink wine and Tweet.

...you carry around a little notebook.

...you are part of at least 4 social networks.

...you've been bullied online.

...you've spent 4 hours trying to get the spacing just right.

...you feel devastated when you lose a follower.

...you assume that follower died because it's the only logical explanation.

...you have an alias.

...your alias sounds more natural to you than your own name.

...you have blog envy.

...you suddenly realize you should have paid closer attention to grammar in school.

...you feel the urge to hashtag outside the Twitterverse #perfectlyhealthy #perfectly normal.

...you know what "squee!" means.


And for those who want to become famous through blogging, here is a flow chart to help map your way.

 

You're Welcome!
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A GENTLE SHOULDER TAP

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question, gently tapping him on the shoulder to get his attention. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the still shaking driver asked, "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.“

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle you so badly."

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry; it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years."

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The Story of Jonah, David and Goliath

Mary Margaret makes learning the Bible stories fun.





You Tube her...she has more.