I'm Santa Again This Year

Well, it’s been decided. I will be the store Santa at the Pet Smart again this year. I start on Saturday and it will last for the next three weeks, every Saturday and Sunday. I am sooo fucking happy about this. Maybe the world will come to an end before Saturday (it can’t come to an end today because it already tomorrow in Australia.) Maybe the Muslims will not let the American people have Christmas this year, since we are such infidels.

The things I will do to help my family. Maybe I should have been an inattentive, abusive father and step-father. They might not like me, but I would have my Saturdays and Sundays to myself. Much like I do with my Mondays thru Fridays.

I did it last year to raise money for Dr. Amber’s pet rescue organization. You get two Polaroid pictures and two small, cheap frames for, I don’t know, $5.00 or something like that. People really like to do this with their beloved pets. They use the pictures to decorate the Christmas tree, or to send to friends and relatives. Personally, I’d rather have cash or a check. But it’s not about me. Dammit!

I’ve had my picture in a Santa Clause outfit made with every size and breed of dog there is. There were some in my lap, some sitting beside me. I’ve had four dogs at once in my lap. I’ve had them pee on me and the floor. No one has shit on me yet - because I can throw a 20 lb dog halfway across the store.

And the cats!!! I am going to wear leather arm protectors under the arm sleeve this year. Sitting for photos with a strange man with fuzzy whiskers is not one of the most endearing things a cat likes to do. Some of those beasts can leave claw marks on a stainless steel pole – and climb all the way to the top, too.

I’ve had my picture made with ferrets, macaws, parakeets and a skunk. I’ve had my picture made with kids in my lap holding their pets. I have even had petty young ladies sit in my lap with their pets. But they didn’t sit around long enough to talk about “the first thing to come up.” So much for perks!

But I guess it is for a good cause. Dr. Amber is totally dedicated to the spay and neuter programs, and saving as many animals she can. She has contacts all over the country and helps rescue organizations match up with good families. So the money she raises from this effort does some good. So I guess I’ll do it again this year. Dammit!

Steven and Laura

Sweet Tea’s son, Steven, who lives with us in the basement apartment, got married to his sweet heart, Laura, last night. It was a very simple occasion. We went to the Justice Center in Cherokee County and had a judge perform the service. He was very personable and wore a Grinch tie. Or a tie with the Grinch in a Santa outfit on it.

Steven is so laid back that he would have been just as happy if all he had to do was step over a broom. But Laura wanted some semblance to a wedding. She comes from a very religious family and this was kind of a compromise. Neither Laura nor Steven wanted a church wedding, and all the marriage thingies that cost so much and only pleases the bride and her mother. It was a compromise because, plan two was for me to marry them. I am an ordained minister, you know, just for occasions like this.

Sweet Tea and I, Steven’s father, Sal and Laura’s parents and two sisters were present. It was very nice and they both smiled like a jackass eating briers the whole time. Steven, who is brilliant when it comes to computers and fixing things, is very shy and quiet. He looked so funny kissing his new bride and everyone with a camera made him repeat it over and over until he said he was just going to kiss her until we told him we were finished. He finally came up for air when I suggested we all go to the restaurant for the wedding dinner without telling him we were finished taking pictures.

I don’t know what I am going to do with the new broom I bought for the occasion, though. Maybe that’s fodder for another blog – if anyone is interested in what to do with a new, unused broom, that is. Besides sweep something into a pile, I mean.

We went to Laura’s favorite restaurant, Las Palmas, for a very delicious Mexican meal. I love my polo with rice and beans and guacamole salad – and plenty of sweet tea. I wanted a Dos XX but, in respect for the bible thumpers, I stayed with the tea. Only because it was Steven and Laura’s dinner. Otherwise…

Anyway, they are so cute and work so well together that I believe they will be together forever. There may be no kids, because Laura is a bad diabetic and they are afraid to try. She did mention something about adopting one day. We’ll see. But they will be together for a long time. Why, they actually talk to each other – about everything. Amazing! They do it without a blog too. Can you believe it?

Tater People

This was also sent to me. Which one are you?

Some people never seem motivated to participate, but are just content to watch while others do the work. They are called “Spec Taters.”

Some people never do anything to help, but are gifted at finding fault with the way others do the work. They are called “Comment Taters.”

Some people are very bossy and like to tell others what to do, but don’t want to soil their own hands. They are called “Dick Taters.”

Some people are always looking to cause problems by asking others to agree with them. It is too hot or too cold, too sour or too sweet. They are called “Agie Taters.”

There are those who say they will help, but somehow just never get around to actually doing the promised help. They are called “Hezzie Taters.”

Some people can put up a front and pretend to be someone they are not. They are called “Emma Taters.”

Then there are those who love others and do what they say they will. They always prepared to stop whatever they are doing and lend a helping hand. They bring real sunshine into the lives of others. They are called “Sweet Taters.”

What kind of Tater are you. I think I am a “Spechezziesweet Tater.”

The Law Is The Law

After reading Twist O Lemon on my blog role, I decided to post this email I received from one of my friends.

I’m not overly religious, but I do not believe it is the Governments place to regulate the timeless traditions of those who are. We are a Christian Nation who allows others to worship as they please. So, the below makes since to me.

It won’t happen because the laws are for everyone else but them – Democratic and Republican alike. But maybe it will give you something to think about.
*****
So if the US government determines that it is against the law for the words "under God" to be on our money, then, so be it.

And if that same government decides that the "Ten Commandments" are not to be used in or on a government installation, then, so be it.

I say, "…so be it," because I would like to be a law abiding US citizen.

I say, "…so be it," because I would like to think that smarter people than I are in positions to make good decisions. I would like to think that those people have the American public's best interests at heart.

BUT, YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE I'D LIKE?

Since we can't pray to God, can't Trust in God and cannot post His Commandments in Government buildings, I don't believe the Government and its employees should participate in the Easter and Christmas celebrations which honor the God that our government is eliminating from many facets of American life.

I'd like my mail delivered on Christmas, Good Friday, Thanksgiving and Easter. After all, it's just another day.

I'd like for the US Supreme Court to be in session on Christmas, Good Friday, Thanksgiving and Easter as well as Sundays. After all, it's just another day.

I'd like the Senate and the House of Representatives to not have to worry about getting home for the "Christmas Break." After all it's just another day.

I'm thinking that a lot of my taxpayer dollars could be saved if all government offices and services would work on Christmas, Good Friday and Easter. It shouldn't cost any overtime since those would be just like any other day of the week to a government that is trying to be "politically correct."

In fact....

I think that our government should work on Sundays (initially set aside for worshipping God...) because, after all, our government says that it should be just another day....

What do you all think????

If this idea gets to enough people, maybe our elected officials will stop giving in to the "minority opinions" and begin, once again, to represent the "majority" of ALL of the American people.

SO BE IT...........

My Thanksgiving and Afterward

I’m having a great "Black Friday" and I had a great Thanksgiving, too. I started Thanksgiving out by sleeping in late; then drinking a couple cups of coffee while going through my blog list.

Then I went to the Waffle House to have some biscuits and gravy and bacon. One of the ladies who waitresses part-time waited on me. I don’t get to see her much because she works three jobs. She helps small businesses get automated by updating their computer systems and accounting flows. She sells something like Magic Chef or Avon or something, and she works as a waitress. I don’t know what has happened in her life to have her in a position like that, but she is always smiling, very friendly to me, and we swap books every now and then. I love her to death.

She made my day by buying me breakfast. She happens to be the only black lady among a group of pill popping, booze drinking, snaggled tooth women who complain all the time, and she is smarter that the whole group put together. But she seems to think I am nice or something. Boy have I got her fooled. Little does she know that I am a lecherous old fart, but I just can’t remember why.

Later on that morning Sweet Tea called to wish me Happy Thanksgiving. And then I went to pick up my sister, Mary, and take her out for a late Thanksgiving dinner. She is 78 years-old and isn’t in the best of shape. She is a bad diabetic and passes out at least twice a week. But she is more like my mother that the real one was, and I would do anything for her.

My younger “sister”, Stephen, also came along. He is suffering with Parkinson’s and won’t be able to drive much longer. I told him I bet he really gets confused when he goes to the bathroom because his hand shakes so much. He leaves happy, drained and satisfied, but he doesn’t understand why.

Marni, Carl, J-Man and Bug also joined us. I love these occasions because my family laughs. We laugh and joke about our ailments and situations and each other. Marni can attest to the fact that she got her humor honestly. We believe that, if you can’t laugh at yourself and your life, then you are probably adopted.

After the dinner, J-Man asked to come home with me. Bug loves when J-Man does this because it means quality time with mom and dad without pesky brother around. I kind of like it a little bit, too.

When we got home, he immediately got a cardboard box and cut out a rifle and knife. I helped him fix the knife so that it would fit on the end of the rifle, and he turned over a few small tables and spread cushions and cardboard around and made a fort. So, while I watched football, he fought of scores of “enemy” solders and made it safe for us in Woodstock.

So now it is "Black Friday." Why they call it that is beyound me - unless it has somehting to do with an accounting term that means you have made a profit (vs being in the red.) J-Man and I went to, guess, yep, Waffle House. We then went riding around the lake and talked about how you can see the rivers that make up the lake now that it is soooo low. We then road up to Kennesaw Mountain, Cheatham Hill, and Kolb Farm and talked about life during the Civil War. He loves history as much as I do.

We then met Marni and I dropped him off. It’s quiet now and I am wishing the kiddies and Sweet Tea were here. But people in Hell want ice water, too. Some things just can’t be.

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving, a day early, to those of you who observe this tradition. The rest of you from other countries, man, you don't know what you are missing. Best eating than any other time of the year. Even if it is at the Waffle House.

It is a time to hold those you love and have them close by. For those serving our country, God Bless you guys and gals. Thank you for you sacrifices in keeping us safe and able to enjoy this time of the year, and a prayer for each of you and your families will be forthcoming.

Now, pass the turkey!

Fifty Years of Math

A friend sent this to me and I think she wanted to post it, but was a little shy and concerned that it may offend someone. Pffftttt! Like I give a hairy rat’s ass! So here 'tis:

Fifty Years of Math 1957 to 2007

Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this?

Follow below the evolution of teaching math since the 1950s:

1. Teaching Math In The 1950s:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2. Teaching Math In The 1960s:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In The 1970s:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In The 1980s:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In The 1990s:
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20.
What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok.)

6. Teaching Math In 2007:
Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

Lets Hear It For The Old Folks

Since you like the last joke, here are a couple more gross jokes my friends have sent to me.

Grandma and grandpa go to a motel for the night, just like they did when they were young.
Grandpa takes off his glasses and goes to the bathroom to freshen up.
Grandma takes off her clothes and gets on the bed. She decides to do a few stretches so she throws her legs over her head and they get caught in the headboard.
Grandpa comes into the room, sees her and says, "God Dimmit woman, will you comb your hair and put your teeth back in, you look like an asshole"

This old couple goes to the doctor. The doctor calls them into the examination room and asks them what the problem is. The old man looks at the old lady and then asks the doctor to watch them make love. He agrees, and they get down to business. He observes everything and, after they are finished he declares that everything seems to be working just fine. Blood pressure is okay, and heart beat is strong. So he sends them on their way.

A couple of weeks later the old couple returns and asks the doctor to observe them having sex again. This time the results are the same, but the doctor ask why they had come back.

The old man says, “Well, doc. I’m married and she is married. A hotel room cost $50 a day and your office visit is only $30 and Medicare pays 80% of that. See you in a couple of weeks.”

And, finally, I think I told you guy’s this one before, but I’ll do it again simply because I am senile and can’t remember if I did or not.

A mother stopped by to visit her daughter unexpectedly one afternoon. She let herself into the house and found her daughter lying on the couch in the nude. In shock, she sputters to her daughter, “What in the world are you doing.”

The daughter jumps up and puts on a robe and embarrassingly tells her mother that her husband is due home any minuet and he loves for her to meet him in her birthday suit. It turns him on and they have fantastic sex. You should try it.

The mother, not wanting to cause an embarrassing scene for the husband, left in a hurry. She thought about it on the way home and thought she would surprise her husband when he came home. So when she heard his car pull into the driveway, she got naked and stretched out on the couch. He came in the door, saw her lying on the couch, and said, “Goddamn, woman, what are you doing.”

She smiled seductively and said, “I though I would meet and greet you in my birthday suit.”

He shakes his head and says, “Well you had better iron the damn thing because it is wrinkled as hell.”

He gets out of the hospital in a couple of days.

The Way To Go

A wonderful friend of ours sent this to me. I thought you would enjoy a little humor, so...

Sunday Morning Sex

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling...

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.”

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

”Oh no, my dear,” replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our
advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous! Simply, in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

Seriously, isn't that a good way to go out, guys? Except I would like for it to be "Stars and Strips Forever."

I Get No Respect

I just returned from driving Sweet Tea and Dot down to Macon (about a hundred miles south of Atlanta) to meet Dr. Amber for their trip to Tampa to meet the ship for their cruse. The grand kids went with us and rode back with me in Dr. Ambers car. They are funny and I love those two little snots so much, but I get no respect.

We were looking for an exit with gas and food to meet Dr. Amber. We were discussing what kind of breakfast we wanted – Cracker Barrel, fast food, some out-of-the way restaurant, or just crackers and cokes at the gas station. J-Man said, “Let’s do this with some logic. Eeny, Meeny, Miney, Moe.”

Then on the way back, we stopped off at Wal Mart to get some printer cartridges. As we were checking out, Bug showed me some artsy, fartsy wooden heads of horses, cows, pigs, a nurse, etc. She said they were to hold your glasses. When you put your glasses in the slot, it made it look like the statue was wearing glasses. Strange but cute!

On the way home she ask if I liked them. I said they were okay, and J-Man asked where my glasses were. I told him they were in my pocked because I only needed them to read. Bug ask why I didn’t ware them all the time and I told her, “Because I don’t have to. Besides, you wouldn’t want me to put something on to mar the beauty of this gorgeous face would you? She said, looking up at me with a squint and as serious as a little shit can said, “Yeah! A sack!” After I got through laughing, I beat her. Ingrate! I get no respect.

New NASCAR

As many of you may know, I am a huge NASCAR fan, and have been since the late '60's. But I have found a new sport, thanks to cooper green, my quirky friend on my blog role.

We, of the maturing crowd, need a more sedate form of entertainment. NASCAR recognized this and branched off into a more French type racing.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give to you NASCARGOT!



Thank you, Cooper, for giving me a reason to love sports again.

My Life Is Changing

Peace and tranquility ends today. My quiet time at the computer, my walking out the door when I feel like it and my Waffle House mornings are being curtailed. I am on my way, in about an hour, to pick up my mother-in-law, Dot, from the airport. And she is staying until January 1st. Yippee, yippee, Goddman.

She comes down every Christmas. Sweet Tea’s baby sister (she has one living in Oregon, too) still lives in New Jersey and helps take care of Dot, but she is a Jehovah Witness and, therefore does not enjoy the holidays. So Dot gets to visit and enjoy J-Man and Bug over the holidays.

She is an 85 (give or take a year or two) year-old, 5’ 1”, 220 pound bundle of joy from New Jersey. Yes, I have a mixed marriage. I am an Atlanta native and Sweet Tea is from Old Bridge, New Jersey via California. But that’s okay, too. The family seems to like her well enough. In fact, I believe they like her better than me. They tell her all the time that I don’t deserve her and that they feel sorry for her having to be married to me. But that is fodder for another blog. Dot is the fodder for this entry.

She is a hypochondriac and takes 4,657,289 a day and has to have her prescriptions filled at least once a month (I have to believe there has to be some placebos in there.) She has pills for her blood pressure, for her heart, for her diabetes, for her cholesterol, to make her shit and to stop her from shitting, and any ailment she sees on the television. Now, she thanks she has Restless Leg Syndrome (what ever that is.) She also has a tube of ointment for rashes that she keeps in the bathroom that I DON’T want to know anything about.

She uses a walker to help her move around and we have to rearrange the furniture so she can get from on room to another – especially the bathroom. She can’t lie down because she can’t breathe if she does, so she sleeps in a chair in the living room. So we have to hang curtains between the doorways to give her some privacy. She has a very hard time going up the stairs because her legs aren’t strong enough to lift all that weight. So, when it’s time for her to take a shower, she has to have Sweet Tea get behind her and push her up the stairs. It scars me to death because, if Dot slips, Sweet Tea could loose an arm or get her head stuck up that huge ass. I try to look the other way - like trying not to watch a car wreck unfolding. Yuck!

When she sets in HER chair in the den, she has no lap. So Chaplin tries to jump in her lap to get his daily dose of petting, but there isn’t anything for him to land on, so the claws come out and she is hollering, “Shoo, get down, Coffeypot get this thing off me, shoo, ouch, go away. I need to go to the bathroom.” I give Chaplin a high-five and set him in my lap. Good boy!

She isn’t all that bad, I guess. She is a good person, though in an old fashion New Jersey sort of way. She has her opinions and isn’t afraid to use them. But I like that. She is fun to have around (for a day) and I enjoy hearing about her life working at Squibb, making bandages for the solders during WWII, and her job for the company that manufactured explosives. But she loves to whistle. If there is any music on the television, commercial, part of the show, anything, she will whistle along with the music – unless her mouth is full of ice-cream.

As long as I have plenty of ice-cream and fruit around, she is happy. We keep fruit all the time, but the ice-cream… well, I am going to get her a feedbag to hang off her ears and keep it full of ice-cream. That way, she won’t have to get up and waddle to the kitchen, which she has to go through to get to the bathroom, to re-load ten or twenty times a day.

Also, she, Sweet Tea and Dr. Amber are going on a 7-day cruse, too. She wanted one more cruse before she became worm food. It is a trip for the girls, too. I didn’t want to go. Spending a week in a confined space like a ship with her, there might have been a tragedy at sea. She might have ended up as a Dot in the ocean.

Okay! I will have a week to myself. Bit deal! She will still be coming back here.

Quotes On War

I found this on my home page of MSN.com.

War evokes such conflicting emotions--horror, glory, shame, pride, and sorrow--that it is often difficult to express them in words. Here is what some have said about war.

1. There is many a boy here today who looks on war as all glory, but boys, it is all hell. You can bear this warning voice to generations yet to come. I look upon war with horror.
--William Tecumseh Sherman (1820-1891), U.S. general. From a speech, Columbus, Ohio, August 11, 1880.

2. All counter-revolutionary wars are unjust, all revolutionary wars are just.
--Mao Zedong (1893-1976), Chinese statesman. From On Protracted War (1938).

3. All wars are popular for the first thirty days.
--Attributed to Arthur Schlesinger, Jr. (1917- ), U.S. historian.

4. We few, we happy few, we band of brothers; For he to-day that sheds his blood with me Shall be my brother.
--William Shakespeare (1564-1616), English playwright and poet. From Henry V (1598?).

5. War is nothing but a continuation of politics with the admixture of other means.
--Karl Marie von Clausewitz (1780-1831), Prussian general. Often misquoted as "War is nothing but a continuation of politics by other means." From On War (1833).

6. It has long been noted that some conquerors prefer enemies as fierce as tigers and brave as eagles, for only then can they savor the true joy of victory.
--Lu Xun (1881-1936), Chinese writer. From "The True Story of Ah Q" (1918).

7. It is well that war is so terrible; else we would grow too fond of it.
--Robert E. Lee (1807-1870), U.S. general. Said to another general during the battle of Fredericksburg (1862).

8. Nothing is ever done in this world until men are prepared to kill each other if it is not done.
--George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950), Irish playwright. From Major Barbara (1905).

9. Television brought the brutality of war into the comfort of the living room. Vietnam was lost in the living rooms of America—not on the battlefields of Vietnam.
--Marshall McLuhan (1911-1980), Canadian sociologist. In the Montreal Gazette, 1975.

10. The guerrilla fights the war of the flea, and his military enemy suffers the dog's disadvantages: too much to defend; too small, ubiquitous, and agile an enemy to come to grips with.
--Robert Taber (1928- ), U.S. writer. From War of the Flea (1965).

11. A war regarded as inevitable or even probable, and therefore much prepared for, has a very good chance of being fought.
--George F. Kennan (1904- ), U.S. diplomat and scholar. From The Cloud of Danger (1977).


12. War is capitalism with the gloves off.
--Tom Stoppard (1937- ), British playwright and screenwriter. From Travesties (1974).


13. You no more win a war than you can win an earthquake.
--Jeannette Rankin (1880-1973), U.S. legislator.


14. Do not let us speak of darker days; let us rather speak of sterner days. These are not dark days: these are great days--the greatest days our country has ever lived.
--Winston Churchill (1874-1965), British prime minister and writer. From a speech, October 29, 1941.

15. Blood alone moves the wheels of history.
--Attributed to Benito Mussolini (1883-1945), Italian dictator.

For The Troops

Lizzie Palmer is a 15 year-old who made this and other videos and can be found under her name at YouTube.com.



Also, she encourages you to go to thisisforthesoldiers.com and sign a petition in support of the troops. I did! It will not cost you anything, but may make you feel a little better knowing the troops can count on you on this Veterans Day.

The Dangers of Drinking

I just read an article on the dangers of drinking....

Scared the shit out of me.

So that's it!

After today, no more reading.

Show Them Babies

On Nov. 11th, we will be celebrating our service men and women. It is a very patriotic day and I though I would present this to show my appreciation.

Beware Of Strange Men In The Grocery Store

Some men would tell their daughters that after the experience they had today.

I was at the grocery store today browsing the cereal aisle for a box of cereal that would knock the shit out of me. I have been constipated, bloated and irritable lately, so I thought I would get something that would ream me out - but taste good going down.

As I was pondering which bran was more toxic, a man and his daughter walked by. She looked to be around eleven or twelve and very cute. Another young girl came around the corner of the aisle and the two screamed and grabbed each others hands. Since they looked to be about the same age and they knew each others names, I assumed they were friends. I’m pretty smart when it comes to things like that.

Anyway, I was pondering which fruit would go best with which ever box of barn I chose when I heard the friend say to the man’s daughter, “Your dad is so hot.” I glanced over at the dad and he was smiling and had his chest inflated a bit. Then I heard the daughter say, “Eweeeeeuuuu.” The man’s smile faded and his chest fell to his belly. I started to laugh.

All three look at me and I laughingly said to the daughter, “Its okay, honey. I know how you feel. My parents NEVER had sex either.” Then both girls said, “Eweeeeeuuuu.” And I said, “Exactly!” I then reached up and grabbed the first box of shit-kicking cereal I could get my hands on and walked on down the aisle.

I didn’t hear it, but I bet the dad was warning the daughter about strangers in the store.

Thoughts to Ponder

Although I have my beliefs, I am not an overly religious man. But the list below raises a good point. That is, even with the worst parts of us showing, we can still make a positive difference. Even if you don't believe in God, the principal is still the same.

It also reminds me of the time the crowd was going to stone the prostitute and Jesus step in and said, “Let those without sin cast the first stone.” A few seconds later a huge rock came flying through the air and squashed the prostitute. The crow gasps and Jesus looked around and just stood the shaking his head. Finally He said, “Boy, mom, sometimes you really piss me off.”

However, the next time you feel like GOD can't use you, just remember...
Noah was a drunk
Abraham was too old
Isaac was a daydreamer
Jacob was a liar
Leah was ugly
Joseph was abused
Moses had a stuttering problem
Gideon was afraid
Samson had long hair and was a womanizer
Rahab was a prostitute
Jeremiah and Timothy were too young
David had an affair and was a murderer
Elijah was suicidal
Jonah ran from God
Naomi was a widow
Job went bankrupt
Peter denied Christ
The Disciples fell asleep while praying
Martha worried about everything
The Samaritan woman was divorced, more than once
Zaccheus was too small
Paul was too religious
Timothy had an ulcer
Lazarus was dead!
And Don't forget - Jesus Helped 'em all!!!!

Now! No more excuses! God can use you to your full potential.
Besides you aren't the message, you are just the messenger.
In the Circle of God's love, God's waiting to use your full potential.

1. God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts.
2. Dear God, I have a problem, it's Me.
3. There is no key to happiness. The door is always open.
4. Silence is often misinterpreted but never misquoted.
5. Do the math... count your blessings.
6. Faith is the ability to not panic.
7. If you worry, you didn't pray. If you pray, don't worry.
8. As a child of God, prayer is kind of like calling home everyday.
9. Blessed are the flexible for they shall not be bent out of shape.
10. The most important things in your house are the people.
11. When we get tangled up in our problems, be still. God wants us to be still so He can untangle the knot.
12. A grudge is a heavy thing to carry.
13. He who dies with the most toys is still dead.

Think on these and maybe they will make some of the decision you have to make in life a little easier. If not, don’t blame me. I’m just acting as a messenger. Look into a mirror to see if the problem lies there.

The Man and Woman Songs

Okay! I have changed the links to copy and paste. Sorry! I still have trouble doing anything that requires intelligence.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t7Y0I91rubg
and
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GpZcCpdFILY

To keep it level. I'm trying folks. I'll get this linking down one day.

Also, Sweet Tea sent me this one.

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green.

When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond....
Dumb ass.

Is she trying to tell me something?