Redneck Monday - The Census

This is the year of the CENSUS. It is suppose to give, what use to be, the Government and is now OBAMANATION a clear picture of the country. But no Census would be correct if it didn't adjust to every section of the country. Here is the Redneck Census:

REDNECK CENSUS FORM

Last name: ________________

(Check appropriate box)
First name:
[_] Billy-Bob
[_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe
[_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray
[_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue
[_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae
[_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack
[_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)

Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure

Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation:
[_] Farmer
[_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser
[_] Waitress
[_] Un-employed
[_] Dirty Politician

Spouse's Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________
3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________

Lover's Name: __________________________
2nd Lover's Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse:
[_] Sister
[_] Aunt
[_] Brother
[_] Uncle
[_] Mother
[_] Son
[_] Father
[_] Daughter
[_] Cousin
[_] Pet

Number of children living in household: ___

Number of children living in shed: ___

Number of children that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: _______________________

Father's Name: _______________________(If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)

Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ kitchen
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ shed

Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_

Number of road kills presently in your freezer?
[ ] 3
[ ] 5
[ ] 10 or more

Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer
[_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide
[_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO

___ Number of times you've seen Elvis

___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not Applicable

How many teeth? ___

Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow
[_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown
[_] Black
[_] N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
[_] Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile
[_] 2 miles
[_] don't know

I Got GLOB'ed Today

My buddy, ScoMan, presented this award to me.

I guess he thinks I deserve it because I am always talking about pussy, and periods and fucking and how big a man’s dick is and stuff. (Tears welling up)

I, sigh, will take this award and post it with all the pride of a man who is confident in his man hood. I do have one don’t I? A manhood? I mean, I do pee standing up (sometimes) and I pee off the deck at night. I like beer! And naked women. And pussy. I love pussy. But so does a lesbian. But I am very confident I am more of a man than Rosie O’Donnell. Aren’t I? Sure I am.

I would pass the award along to CI Roller Dude, but I’m sure he would hunt me down and slice my throat. So, instead, and very seriously, I pass it along to ALL the ladies on my blog roll. Young, old, slim or fat, you are hawt to me. So take this award with more confidence than I showed. You deserve it. AND I WANT TO SEE IT POSTED ON YOUR SITE, TOO. Or I will hunt you down and beat you with my purse.

DIFFERENCDE BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN

THERE IS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN
SEE A FEW EXAMPLES BELOW FOR YOURSELF

Pee Standing Up - Just Like Your Man - OH YEAH!

**ANOTHER PUBLIC SERVICE ANOUNCEMENT BROUGHT TO YOU BY YOUR LOVING, CARING FRIEND, COFFEYPOT**
Women are now able to stand and pee.




This is good for the ladies as some public toilet seats are so dirty and unhygienic.

You’re Welcome!

ps: Another thought:

If you don't use it to pee, hubs can use it to add oil to the car, lawnmower or boat.
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OPEN LETTER TO THE DEMOCRATS

Opne Letter To The Deomcrats

'NUF SAID!
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A Drug Problem

(Meth Lab Bedroom)

The following has been on the internet and read by many people. Perhaps you have read it, too. If not, enjoy. If you have, enjoy it again.

The other day someone at a store in our small town read that a Methamphetamine lab had been found in an old in a adjoining county and asked the rhetorical question, “Why didn’t we have a drug problem when you and I were growing up?”

I replied, “I had a drug problem when I was young: I was drug to church on Sunday morning. I was drug to church for weddings and funerals. I was drug to family reunions and community socials no matter the weather.

I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults. I was drug into the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents, told a lie, brought home a bad report card, did not speak with respect, spoke ill of the teacher or the preacher, or if I didn’t put forth my best effort in everything that was asked of me.

I was drug to the kitchen sink to have my mouth washed out with soap if I uttered a profanity. I was drug out to pull weeds in mom’s garden and flower beds, and cockleburs out of dad’s fields. I was drug to the homes of family, friends and neighbors to help out some poor soul who had no one to mow the yard, repair the clothes line, or chop some firewood, and if my mother ever known that I took a dime as a tip for this kindness, she would have drug me back to the woodshed.

Those drugs are still in my veins and the affect my behavior in everything I do, say or think. They are stronger than cocaine, crack or heroin; and if today’s children had this kind of drug problem America would be a better place.

What'da think?

The Birthday Present

My Neighbors ------- the lesbians next door -------- asked me what I would like for my birthday.

I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex.

It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."

Thanks Laura...
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Jane and Arlene

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter, Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

The pharmacist fainted.


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A Tail Of Two Greeters

Here are a couple of Wal-Mart Greeter Stories.
Believe them or not (I would bet on not)

Wal-Mart Greeter #1
So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter (a good find for many retirees), I lasted less than a day.

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, ‘Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?’

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, ‘Hell no, they ain’t twins. The oldest one’s 9, and the other one’s 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?’

So I politely replied, ‘I’m neither blind nor stupid, Ma’am, I just find it hard to believe that someone would fuck you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.’

My supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work.

Wal-Mart Senior Greeter #2
Charley, a new retiree greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time.

Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.

"Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it.", replied Charley.

''Well good! You are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though, your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say if you came in late there?"

“They said, 'Good morning, Admiral, can I get you some coffee, sir?'''

Peaceful Solutions

Religion has been at the core of a few differences of opinion in my greater family.

For example: my wife's family is Catholic and they wanted us to be married in the Church by a Priest. I, being opposed to the entire concept of organized religion, argued in favor for a civil ceremony.

Ultimately we found middle ground that satisfied everyone's criteria.

We were married by a Justice of the Peace, but one who had been convicted of molesting young boys.

Moral: If you look hard enough there are always ways to reach peaceful solutions to religious conflicts.

Oh! And yes, I am going to go to Hell.
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The Mighty Eagle Over Afghanistan

Check out what some of our boys overseas did to their helicopter.

Some Afghan is probably freaking out right about now .

This very special Mi-24 helicopter is presently flying in Afghanistan , where it is no doubt causing quite a stir.



I don’t know if this is an actual combat killing machine or just a show thing for the troops.

How about it vets?

Is this a real flying machine used to aide Muslims acquire their virgins or is this just a show thing for the masses?

Either way, it works, though. It is very cool.

God Bless the U.S.A.

(And Keep Reading Below)
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Dear Citizen - We Are Coming For You

Dear Citizens,

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early retirement.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Congress deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Congress.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Congress has always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

PS: Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

“Change you can believe in…How’s that working for yah?”

TMI Thursday - The Double Date

LivItLuvIt


It’s that time of week again, peeps. I mentioned last week that I might tell you about me almost getting killed and my roommate almost getting the pecker bitten off. At the same time. And NO it wasn’t me that almost bit it off. I don’t do throat swabs that way.

Again it was back in the early eighties and I was in my late thirties, still young and innocent and wet behind the ears - airlines, buses and theatres aside. Anyage, I was in my late thirties and was dating an older woman. She was a very fine looking, sexy 50 year old. Sweet, too. And my roommate was dating - kinda - her best friend.

This particular night we had double dated and gone to a movie. On the way home we stopped off for a burger and a few beers. Lot’ a talking and laughing and joke telling and stuff. Just having fun.

So, since we had to work the next day, we were calling it an early night and started home. We had about a 20 mile trip ahead of us on I-285. My date, who was more experienced in life than poor innocent me, wanted to have some fun while we rode home. (Later she admitted that she and her BFF had it planned.) So she reached over and unzipped my jeans. They were a little tight and there was copious amounts of pulling and tugging before the object of her desire was freed. Then she went down on it.

Now we had been dating for about a month and were no stranger to erotic things, but this was my first time having erotic things done while I was driving. So, needless to say, I was kinda surprised. Surprised enough to change lanes and back with horns blowing and people making ugly guesters as they passed by. But I manned-up and got the car under control.

Then I remembered my roommate and his date. I looked into the rearview mirror and saw him with his head back and no other head showing. He was getting his little helmet buffed, too.

Cool!

Anybobbing, we were getting closer to the exit needed to take them back to her house and I was getting closer to the end myself. The problem was, the exit and I were happening at the same time. With her increasing pace I was driving proportionally faster. So when I hit the exit ram I was going over 80 mph. She was too. And I had reached maximum resistance and unloading; frozen with my feet on the accelerator approaching the end of the ramp and a red light.

I regaind a little control over my arms and legs and took my feet off the gas, but I was at the intersection with no time to stop or scream or shit or do anything but turn. I had come off on the left side of the ramp and the only way I could turn was left. God help us. And he did.

I jerked the wheel to the left and barely missed a car coming toward my drivers door, horn blaring. But he missed and I made it into the correct lane with out anyone hitting me on the right. But I had to swerve and hit my breaks and shit which was throwing us around in the car. Especially my roommates date.

With all the jerking and swerving and horn blowing, she was slung around and before she could do anything, she clamped down on my roommate and almost bit his woman pleaser off. He was yelling and beating her on the back of the head and cussing and stuff. He didn’t even get to finish either.

My date was experienced enough to know to get off as soon as possible, so she was thrown against the passenger door while all the swerving and dodging and breaking was going on. Then she started to laugh. The bitch laughed.

I pulled into a service station and just looked at her. She thought that was the funniest thing she had ever done. Roommate was a little upset and BFF was mad at me for driving like an ass and at roommate for beating her on the back of the head. I ask him if he needed to go to the doctor and he said no. It was only bleeding a little.

Interesting night! Roommate and BFF didn’t date anymore after that, and I only hung around the girlfriend for a month or so myself. She was fun. And I’ve had similar experiences while driving since, but that was the one that almost got me killed and my roommate a sex change all in one night.

That's about it for the erotice side of my life. The rest is pretty boring. I'll work on the memory banks and see if I have anything else worth writhing about for next week. Probably not, though. Boring, I tell ya. Boring Life!
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Maxine In The Pub

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

Nothing

THE SALAHI’S WERE NOT THE ONLY COUPLE THAT SNEAKED INTO THE
WHITE HOUSE WITHOUT ANY CREDENTIALS..........

Which also lead to this..........


Thanks Jim and LL!
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I Almost Got Away With It

You guys know I like to drive fast.

Like a bat out of Hell fast.

So it was no real supprise when the cop pulled me over.

I was very polite, and I almost had the officer talked into giving me a warning...

Untill he saw my dog in the back seat.




The scratch marks in the seat didn't help any, either.
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If I Die Before You Wake - Dustin Evans

I sent this song by Dustin Evans out earlier today in an email, but this is even better, and for you peeps and future peeps who are not on my email list.

Enjoy...and thank any vets you see...and remember them in your prayers...or send them some good vibes...or find one or two and support them...thanks!

Redneck Monday - Terms

How To Spot A Redneck with a DUI Conviction


Redneck Medical Terms

Pubic Hair, a type of wild rabbit.
Asphalt, describes rectal problems.
Condom, a large apartment.
Douche, the French word for "twelve.
Genitals, people of non-Jewish descent.
Diaphragm, a drawing in Geometry.
Fetus, a character on Gunsmoke.
Erection, when Japanese people vote.
Dildo, a variety of the sweet pickle.
Umbilical Chord, part of a parachute.
Spread Eagle, an extinct bird.
Menstrual Cycle, has three wheels.
Clitoris, a type of flower.
Testacies, found on an octopus.
Kotex, a radio station in Cincinnati.
Masturbate, used to catch large fish.
Barium, what a undertaker does to’em once the doctors are through with’em.
Benign, what a child be after he be eight.
Cauterize, to have gotten noticed by a woman.
Cyst, to give someone in need a helpin’ hand.
Dilate, beats dying early.
Impotent, significant and distinguished.
Node, to have been acquainted with someone in the past.
Pap Smear, to insult or belittle your own father.
Pathology, the study of trails.
Rectum, crashed’ and totaled’em.
Tumor, not just one more.
X-Rayed, For adult audiences only.

Redneck Computer Terms

BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods
BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern
BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick
BYTE - What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro
CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps
CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in
TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker
CRASH - When you go to Junior's party uninvited
DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers
DISKETTE - Female Disco dancer
FAX - What you lie about to the IRS
HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking
HARDCOPY - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos
INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair
KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere
MAC - Big Bubba's favorite fast food
MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers
MODEM - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall
MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie live
NETWORK - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line
ONLINE - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test
ROM - Where the pope lives
SCREEN - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch
SERIAL PORT - A red wine you drink with breakfast
SUPERCONDUCTOR - Amtrak's Employee of the year
SCSI - What you call your week-old underwear
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A Drop Of Water

There is no humor, politics, or anything to upset you in this one,my peeps.

Just interesting science...

This old world of ours is so amazing and so many things are happening that we never see.

Watch the 2-minute video that shows a drop of water falling into a puddle filmed at 2000 frames a second.

Time To A Marine

There is this blog that was pointed out to me on twitter that had a good message. The blog is CPL USMC, 81-85, Wally Beddoe‘s USMC81 and the post was put up back in 2007. I asked him for permission to post his picture and the post and he readily agreed.

I haven’t been following his blog, but that will be rectified as of today.

Time is a relative thing meaning and measured in many ways by different people. Here is his interpretation of time to a Marine. Although these time frames will be just as relevant to any Army, Navy, Air Force, National Guardsman, I have left it as Wally wrote it. Thanks to you all for being there for us.

To realize the value of ONE YEAR,
ask any Marine who served in Vietnam.

To realize the value of ONE MONTH,
ask any family who lost a Marine 30 days before rotation home.

To realize the value of ONE WEEK,
ask any Marine how fast R&R flew by.

To realize the value of ONE DAY,
ask any Marine who missed being eligible for promotion by one day.

To realize the value of ONE HOUR,
ask any Marine in a hot LZ to wait that long for air support.

To realize the value of ONE MINUTE,
ask any Marine what his buddy was doing before he was hit.

To realize the value of ONE SECOND,
ask any Marine who was in Vietnam how long it would have taken for him to pack and be on the next flight home.

To realize the value of ONE MILLI-SECOND,
ask any Marine if he's proud to have been a Marine.

Semper Fi, Devil Dogs!

Help Out A Brother, Will Ya?

Peeps, can any of you out there help out a techno-challenged old man with his blogging needs?

I noticed that I lost two followers. One I know about. She had overdosed on Coffey and his humor - or lack there of and his crudeness. I’m not upset. She has her own set of standards and proclivities, so I wish her the best in her blogging activities, though I will miss her uniqueness and humor. I know that I’m not for everyone (probably anyone) though. Nuf said!

The other one, I’m not so sure who it was. All my favorite peeps are still there, so, evidently that one wasn’t one I visited much anyway. Again, I wish that person a long, successful blogging life.

But I got to wondering about how they do that. How do the remove themselves from a blog roll. There are some people who never made it to my peeps level, yet I am still in their follower roll. I know having a huge follower role is important to some people, but not me. We all have our needs, wants and desires. Mine is to just enjoy those who interest me, makes me laugh and restores my faith in the American people. The whole world doesn’t have to read my stuff.

So my question is, how do you delete or remove an icon from someone’s blog follower roll? I tried white-out. Don’t be fooled, peeps, that shit dosen’t work on everything.

So, if any of your techno-nerds (people…peeps) know how, please give a brother a hint.

And while I’m asking, how do you draw a line through a word or phrase, like some of you do, in blogger?

And finally, Miss Em and Ashley, please drop me an email.

Thanks!
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Obama Jokes

Here are some Obama jokes because he is one. They are kinda cheap shots, but, yah know, I don’t care. He is a cheap shot.

The liberals are asking us to give Obama time.
We agree and think 25 to life would be appropriate.
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America needs Obamacare like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.
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Q: Have you heard about McDonalds new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
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Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.
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Q: What do Vanilla Ice, Eminem and Barack Obama have in common?
A: They all made careers pretending to be black men.
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Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners.
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Q: What's the difference between Simba and Obama?
A: Simba is an African lion while Obama is a lying African.
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On Halloween you put on a false face and trick people.
This year Barack Obama is going as - Barack Obama.
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If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it started to sink, who would be saved? ..... America !
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If Nancy Pelosi has her face lifted one more time she'll have a beard!
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Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers.
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Q: What’s the problem with Barack Obama jokes?
A: His followers don’t thank they are funny and others don’t think they are jokes.
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Q: Why is Obama so thin and scrawny?
A: If he were any heavier he wouldn’t be able to walk on water.
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Q: Why does Barack Obama oppose the Second Amendment?
A: It stands between him and the First.
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Any questions?

The Anesthesiologists

These are for you medical types out there and to give you Hypochondriacs something to think about.

The first one is a spoof video made for one Anesthetists who was retiring in March & this was played at his retirement party.

The other two videos singers are all Anesthesiologists in Minnesota and they can really sing - kinda. They don't need to give up their day job for American Idol.

A Priests Death Bed Wish

In Washington, D.C. an old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital. He motioned for his nurse to come near.

"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.

"I would really like to see President Obama and Speaker Pelosi before I die", whispered the priest.

"I'll see what I can do, Father", replied the nurse.

The nurse sent the request to The President and Congress and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived; President Obama and Nancy Pelosi would be delighted to visit the priest.

As they went to the hospital, Obama commented to Pelosi, "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images and might even get me re-elected. After all, I'm IN IT TO WIN."

Pelosi agreed that it was a good thing.

When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Obama's hand in his right hand and Pelosi's hand in his left hand. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.

Finally President Obama spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"

The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."

"Amen", said Obama.

"Amen", said Pelosi.

The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves; I would like to do the same."

Weather People Are Camera Whores

What is it with the television weathermen/women? I think they are in reality camera whores?

There have been storms crossing the Central and Southern part of the state. High winds. Lots of rain. Some flood warnings. Conditions are right for a possible Tornado. All that can be said in the scrolling thing on the bottom of the screen along with the counties in the path of the storm. Even a little square screen or split screen showing a weather map. But NNOOOO!

The Head Meteorologist has to interrupt a very good TV show and talk for 15 fucking minutes showing green and read colors on a map. Then start talking about hooked something or others that MIGHT have a tornado inside it. The green and yellow thing is 9 miles SW of the small town of Carrolton in Midwestern Georgia. Less than 1% of the State in area. The tornado thingy was over an even smaller town of Roopville, population 250 soles who know more about the weather than any TV weather person. They are farmers. They live by the weather. They know when it’s raining. They look outside. If there is water falling from the sky and puddles on the ground…it’s raining. And they know when it’s raining hard, too. They are farmers.

Do the people in Atlanta, Savannah, Columbus, Athens need to know this? Do they even care? I DON’T! Or could you tell.

Anystorm, with that few soles in the area, the damn station could have call everyone in town and told them to look out the window and see if there is a tornado. If so, run. If not, enjoy your evening. I mean the phone book couldn’t be larger than an O’ Charlie’s menu. But NNOOOOO!

He has to talk and talk and draw circles showing a hook thingy and saying, “If you just joined us, there is a suspected tornado just over Roopville, 9 miles SW of Carrolton in Western Georgia.” - five fucking times.

WHY???

Fucking TV weather people!!!!
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Why The Wedding Dress Is White

A son asked his mother the following question:"Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"

The mother looks at her son and replies: "Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure."

The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.

"Dad why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says: "Why son, all household appliances come in white."

Old Lady Driving

Sitting on the side of the road waiting to catch speeding drivers, a state trooper sees a car puttering along at 22 mph. He thinks to himself, "This driver is as dangerous as a speeder." So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back, wide-eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand. I was going the exact speed limit. What seems to be the problem?"

The trooper trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before you go, Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in the car OK? These women seem awfully shaken."

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 127."

TMI Thursday - The Bus Ride

It's TMI Thursday again. Lilu at LIVITLUVIT is the mastermind behind this. Flip over and check her out and the link to past TMI's.


Last Thursday I mentioned something about a Greyhound bus ride. Unlike the Mile High Club, which I joined by the way, you don’t get a pin, or medal or free bail or anything for getting laid on a bus.

We had just returned for the Westpack (Western Pacific - Japan) and I was taking a couple of weeks leave to go home. The bus trip is three days and nights of travel, but it was about 1/8th the price of an airline ticket. So the bus it was.

As I sat down I looked around. The bus wasn’t full and there were three other sailors, a Marine and two Army guys on board, too. Then this girl came walking down the isle and sit one row back and across the isle from me. Nothing was said or anything. I don’t know about the other dudes, but I was waiting for Mr. or an SO to show up. But no one did. So as the bus was pulling out of the terminal I looked at the other guys. We all looked back and forth and at her. But no one moved or acted like they were going to make a move. I thought to myself that ’You Snooze; You Loose’, so I walked over and ask if I could sit with her.

We talked for the first couple of hours and a couple of bus stops, till the sun went down. She had just gotten kicked out of the Univ. of Hawaii for some infraction and was on her way back to Phoenix to regroup with her family.

The more we talked the closer I got to her. So after we pulled out the a bus stop somewhere in the mountains of California and it was dark outside, I leaned over and kissed her. She kiss back. BOING!!!

We made out for an hour or so. Then the petting started and BOING, BOING. About that time we crossed into Arizona and the bus pulled into a terminal where a lady came on board renting pillows and blankets. She rented a blanket. And when we pulled out, the seat across the isle had two of the sailors and the seat behind them had the Marine and one of the Army guys teasing us. Jealous fuckers. You snooze you loose.

So under the blanket my 13 buttons were undone and the flap pulled down and I was getting a great massage. I was able to get her jeans unbuttoned and down a little. Man, she had some hips. Anystroke, she ask if I had any protection. I thought an Angle was talking to me. But I said that I didn’t. She ask if I’d promise to pull out on time. I said, “No!” She gave me a jab in the gut and told me I had better. And rolled onto her left side and pulled her jeans down.

It was all I could do not to look over my shoulder and give the guys a huge grin like a opossum shitting a peach seed (I got that one from a blogging buddy) but I didn’t. I was cool. However inside I was doing the Mexican Hat Dance.

So the loving began. Not long, but at least I lasted long enough to get it in. She looked over her shoulder at me with a ’you didn’t just do that did you’ look. And I assured her I would be okay again shortly. I was and we did.

Not long afterward, we pulled into Phoenix where her two brothers met her. The guys were thanking her as she got out of her seat and she just bowed and said she was glad they enjoyed the show. She then turned and gave me one last kiss and walked out of my life for…a couple of weeks. We wrote each other for about a year, but I never got back to Phoenix and she got married to one of her college professors.

The rest of the trip home was pretty uneventful. But that was okay. I don’t think I could have topped the beginning of the trip anyway. You just don’t get that lucky twice in one bus trip.

That’s about it for my sex stories…well…maybe next week I’ll tell you about how I almost got killed and my room mate almost got his pecker bit off. We’ll see.

Now don’t stop here. Keep reading. There is a couple of awesome videos you need to see.
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Take America Back

I HOPE AND PRAY THIS IS SO...

Watch this before it is taken off YouTube again.

And copy and paste the link in the post below for a cool way to look and the news over the whole world.

In the mean time, VOTE to get America back from the Left Wing Socialist before it is too late.

Newspaper Map

For news junkies; at least you get to see the front pages.

WHOEVER CAME UP WITH THIS IS REALLY GOOD…

Just put your mouse on a city anywhere in the world and the newspaper headlines pop up...

Double click the dot and the page gets larger - you can read the entire paper on some if you click on the right place. You can spend forever here.

http://www.newseum.org/todaysfrontpages/flash/

Also, if you look at the European papers, the far left side of Germany will pop up as The Stars & Stripes (European edition, of course.) AND, this site changes every day with the publication of new editions of the paper.

Third Graders Sing A Thank You Song

A third grade music teacher, Michael Souders, from Tussing Elementary in Colonial Hights, VA, co-wrote the song! Amazing!! After all the bad press over a few teachers who stepped out of line teaching songs with a political persuasion to our children, this one is one you will be so proud to hear!

At the end of the song you can even order the sheet music!! Awesome! I hope this sweeps our Country and gets sung in all our schools! The music teacher wrote the song and had all the third graders sing.

The Meaning of WIFE and Way To Go MASS

Post it with pride, I do.
I’ve had a few post the last couple of days. Do yourself…well, me…a favor and keep reading after this post. You may find a little humor.

Yah know, having served in the Navy and worked many years with a company whose management were too stupid to spell words, I have been use to acronyms. Today I found out what the word WIFE is an acronym for...



And congratulations to Mass for helping to get this world turned around. Now just get rid of John Kerry and you will be a great state again.