Quotes

 

Quotes From The Famous & Not So Famous

Absolute faith corrupts as absolutely as absolute power.
- Eric Hoffer

How hard it is, sometimes, to trust the evidence of one's senses! How reluctantly the mind consents to reality.
- Norman Douglas

Wagner's music is better than it sounds.
- Edgar Wilson Nye

Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamppost how it feels about dogs.
- Christopher Hampton

Painting: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and exposing them to the critic.
- Ambrose Bierce

Bureaucracy defends the status quo long past the time when the quo has lost its status.
- Laurence J. Peter

Any word you have to hunt for in a thesaurus is the wrong word. There are no exceptions to this rule.
- Stephen King

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds.
- Cindy Gardner

The world is full of people whose notion of a satisfactory future is, in fact, a return to the idealized past.
- Robertson Davies

There is no heresy or no philosophy which is so abhorrent to the church as a human being.
- James Joyce quote

The trouble with weather forecasting is that it's right too often for us to ignore it and wrong too often for us to rely on it.
- Patrick Young

Laughter is the closest distance between two people.
- Victor Borge

Is sloppiness in speech caused by ignorance or apathy? I don't know and I don't care.
- William Safire

The most perfidious way of harming a cause consists of defending it deliberately with faulty arguments.
- Friedrich Nietzsche

Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored.
- George Saunders (From his suicide note)

Learning to dislike children at an early age saves a lot of expense and aggravation later in life.
- Robert Byrne

St. Patrick's Day At The Waffle House

Today is the day of wearing of the GREEN.

 

This is my Waffle House Leprechaun, Christy.

 

I also had my 'Kiss Me I'm Irish button on, too. It's never worked, but I never give up hope.

 

Maybe it should have said, 'Kiss The Irish Monk.'

 

Anyway, I got three hugs and two kisses on the cheek from the ladies, so that is a good day.

Happy St. Patricks Day

 

As some of you know, I am from Irish descent from the Bowman clan on my mother’s side, and the Shell and Coffey clan on my father’s side. Therefore in keeping to my commitment to bringing you the best in education I am submitting this for your enlightenment. It is a little long and I paraphrased it from a local rag called “Tidbits,” but being a good Irish boy I must take the time to pass on a few tidbits about the Irish on this day of days – St. Patrick’s Day.

First of all, St. Patrick wasn’t even Irish. He was born in Scotland and was brought to Ireland as a slave. I won’t go into his whole story because that is what God made Google for.

But the Shamrock? No, the official emblem of Ireland is the harp. The Shamrock only gained fame as a symbol of Ireland after St. Patrick used its three leaves as a visual aid to explain the Holy Trinity (no, not Curly, Larry and Moe.)

It is also true there are no snakes in Ireland. Legend has it that St. Patrick charmed them all into the sea, but the truth is that snakes can’t survive anyplace where the ground is frozen year-round.

Potatoes are not native to Ireland, either. It is believed that it was first harvested in Peru and didn’t make it across the Atlantic until 1589.

Ireland was one of the first European countries to assign last names to families. This practice started around the year 1000, when the countries population increased so quickly that first names alone weren’t sufficient to identify individuals. The prefixes “Mac” and “O” were added to the first name of the father or grandfather to create a surname. So MacDonald means son of Donald, and O’Brien translates to son of Brian.

Be careful when making reference to Irish Whisky (Note the absence of the ‘e’ as compared to American whiskey.) The Irish are proud and protective of their spirit-making heritage, and by law, only whisky made on the Emerald Isle can be labeled Irish. There are several subtle differences between Irish Whisky and Scotch, which is distilled in nearby Scotland. The barley is dried over an open peat fire when making Scotch, giving it the smoky flavor. Irish Whisky makers dry their barley in a kiln and distill the beverage three times, resulting in a cleaner taste.

Modern recipes for Irish stew may call for ingredients like bay leaves and olive oil. But if you want truly authentic Irish stew, the origin was prepared from the least expensive, most readily available ingredients. It would include Lamb or mutton, potatoes, onions and parsley. Some wealthier farmers could add turnips and carrots to the mix. The soup stock was flavored with sheep shanks and neck bones.

Ireland has the world’s highest per-capita number of NATURAL REDHEADS. However, the trait for red hair is a recessive gene. So if a redhead marries someone with dark hair, the couple’s children will most likely have dark hair. Eventually, the number of natural redheads will diminish; not only in Ireland but across the globe. Some geneticists estimate that naturally red hair may become virtually extinct within the next 100 years.

Michael Flatley, the man whose name is synonymous with the Irish Riverdance is really a yank. He was born in Detroit and raised in Chicago.

Bono (Paul Hewson) is Ireland’s most famous rock band, U2, lead singer. He stared using the Bono name after seeing it on a sign in the window of a Dublin hearing aid store. The sign read “Bono Vox,” a corrupted version of a Latin phrase meaning ‘good voice.’

The Irish Rovers’ signature tune, “The Unicorn” always garners heavy radio airplay at this time of year. It was compose by Shel Silverstein, who was amused that people thought it was an Irish song of old. It was, in his words, “…written by a Jewish guy from Chicago.” He also wrote Johnny Cash’s hit “A Boy Named Sue” and Dr. Hook’s “The Cover of The Rolling Stone.”

In the late 1800’s the potato famine led hundreds of thousands of Irish to immigrate to the U.S. But due to overcrowding conditions, jobs were hard to find, so they took tough-to-fill pubic service jobs. This is why Boston and New York have long had a higher percentage of Irish-blooded policemen and firemen.

Corned beef and cabbage may be the traditional St. Patrick’s Day dinner in the U.S. but only the cabbage part is really authentic. In Ireland, the official complement to cabbage is bacon.

Now, go out and drink a pint of green beer for me.

Erin Go Bragh (Ireland for Ever)

High School MeMe

I saw this at Tookie Tales and though I would do it because I don’t have anything else to post about.

High school wasn’t a favorite time in my life. Now that it has a name, I believe I was blessed with ADHD, but was over and over again that I was just lazy. But I do have a short attention span…that’s why I don’t sky dive. I might forget to pull the ripcord because I would be marveling at the clouds, or the wind…there’s a bird flying by - going straight up.

1. Did you date someone from your school? Some! I lived in the corner of three school districts and the kids in the area went to the three schools, so some of my dates were from there.

2. Did you marry someone from your high school? God, NO!

3. Did you car pool to school? No! I lived 15 miles from my high school and had to take the city bus. The Atlanta City School System did not have school busses.

4. What kind of car did you have? My brother’s ‘55 Chevy.

5. What kind of car do you have now? Ford F150 pickup!

6. Its Friday night...where are you now? Normally getting the grandkids for the weekend, but they didn’t come this weekend so Judy and I went out to eat.

7. It is Friday night...where were you then? Football game.

8. What kind of job did you have in high school? Worked for a month at Dary Queen and at Ponce De Leon Ball Park selling hotdogs and hamburgers at the Atlanta Cracker ballgames.

9. What kind of job do you do now? Retired, but do animal transports for Dr. Amber.

10. Were you a party animal? Not Really!

11. Were you considered a flirt? No! I was considered a Dork.

12. Were you in band, orchestra, or choir? Choir (All State Chorus.)

13. Were you a nerd? No! I told you, I was a Dork!

14. Did you get suspended from school? Yes! I hit my seventh grade teacher for pulling my hair.

15. Can you sing the fight song? Oh, yeah!

16. Who was/were your favorite teacher? The ones I didn’t have!

17. Where did you sit during lunch? At the table in the lunch room (or I would sneak off campus to eat at the grill across the street.)

18. What was your school's full name? West Fulton High!

19. Where did you party the most? At church.

20. What was your school mascot? Owls

21. Would you do it again? I would have to because it is the law.

22. Did you have fun at Prom? Not really. I had a better time than she did because I couldn’t/wouldn’t dance.

23. Do you still talk to the person you went to Prom with? I don’t remember her name.

24. Are you planning on going to your next reunion? I have never been to any of our reunions. I don’t care to see any of them again.

25. Do you still talk to people from school? No! One I use to date before I married Judy, but she is married now and we don’t live close enough to bump into each other.

26. What are/were your school's colors? Blue and White!

All About Parenting

 

There are a few things about being a parent that are just simple fact. Below are a few of these facts:

* If it was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called LABOR.

* Shouting to make your children obey is like using the horn to steer your car, and you get about the same results.

* To be in your children’s memories tomorrow, you have to be in their lives today.

* The right temperature in a home is maintained by warm hearts, not by hot heads. (Something I wish I had learned many years ago.)

* Parents: People who bare infants, bore teenagers and board newlyweds.

* The joy of motherhood: What a woman experiences when all the children are finally in bed.

* Life’s golden age is when the kids are too old to need baby-sitters and too young to borrow the car.

* Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.

* Grandparents are similar to a piece of string – handy to have around and easily wrapped around the fingers of grandchildren.

* A child outgrows your lap, but never outgrows your heart.

* Adolescence is the age when children try to bring up their parents.

* Cleaning your house while your kids are at home is like trying to shovel the driveway during a snowstorm.

* There are only two things a child will share willingly: communicable diseases and his mother’s age.

* An alarm clock is a device for awakening people who don’t have small children.

* Why is it that you children can’t read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

* We say, “Children should be seen and not heard.” So when do we communicate with them?

* No wonder kids are confused today. Half the adults tell them to find themselves; the other half tells them to get lost.

* The people hardest to convince that it’s time for retirement are the children at bedtime.

* Kids really brighten a household; they never turn off any lights.

Now! Do you have any facts to add to this? Let me read them.

Yahoo For Victoria

 

Victoria, Texas (pop. 55,000) is a town about 80 miles west of Houston.

Local Hispanic leaders there, in opposition to pending Immigration Legislation, boycotted all Caucasian owned businesses in the Victoria area this past weekend as a demonstration of their economic impact on the community. The boycott was declared a success by the Hispanic community, noting that revenue in Caucasian owned businesses was down by 19%.

Business owners declared the boycott a success as well, pointing out that shoplifting was reduced by 77%, money orders sent out of the country were down by 97%, and the cost of daily clean-up and trash collection was down by 84%. Shoppers reported that they could actually hear English being spoken throughout the community for the first time in recent memory, and customers actually paid for purchases with real money, not government debit cards.

Two Humorous Items

Okay, then…how ‘bout a couple of funnies I received from my Australian friend:

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died. I'm married to his fucking widow."


BEST EVER BLONDE JOKE

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help
me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get
started.'

Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?'

The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.'

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.'

He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ...' he said with a deep sigh,
'Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.'

 

Give Them A Try

I don’t usually do this because I think most of you have plenty of reading to do from hour own blog list, but sometimes there is something very funny on someone else’s blog or something worth mentioning. My friend and fellow blogger, Jim Latchford, has a blog that is very well written and very informative, though at time a little long.

Today I read his post and I think it is work asking you to drop by and read. We are of like mind when it comes to the state of the union, and he as written a very good piece in expressing his concern for our economy.

Another post is Mr. Guinness. He too post some well written pieces and is a fine Irishman from the Boston area living in the panhandle of Florida. He post mostly about the red-tape of trying to live his life and run his new business.

Neither are paying me (but they can if they want too.) I just think they should be read and commented on. That is, if you are concerned about America and things that are going on.

Memory

This is my new medication, but I can't remember what it is for. Do any of you have any idea about...Um...What?

 

Two For The Price of One

The Chinese Recall their XSI Implants.

From My new Girl Friend, Sister Myotis

You Ain't Him

 

So I said to him, "Barak, I know Abe Lincoln, and you ain't him."
From my pal, Tom. Thanks, Tom.

On The Road Again, dada, dada...

 

On The Road Again, I just can't wait to get on the road again.
The trip to take somedogs to my friends at Mohawk Shelter in Menands, NY, will begin.
dada, dada, do, do, dada, dada, dada.

See y’all Sunday!

Ronald Where Are Ye

 

Really have to love this guy and we sure could use him now. God rest his soul.

"Here's my strategy on the Cold War: We win, they lose." - Ronald Reagan

"The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help." - Ronald Reagan

"The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they're ignorant: It's just that they know so much that isn't so." - Ronald Reagan

"Of the four wars in my lifetime none came about because the U.S. was too strong." - Ronald Reagan

"I have wondered at times about what the Ten Commandment's would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress." - Ronald Reagan

"The taxpayer: That's someone who works for the federal government but doesn't have to take the civil service examination." - Ronald Reagan

"Government is like a baby: An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other." - Ronald Reagan
"If we ever forget that we're one nation under God then we will be a nation gone under." - Ronald Reagan

"The nearest thing to eternal life we will ever see on this earth is a government program." - Ronald Reagan

"I've laid down the law, though, to everyone from now on about anything that happens: no matter what time it is, wake me, even if it's in the middle of a Cabinet meeting." - Ronald Reagan

"It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first." - Ronald Reagan

"Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it." - Ronald Reagan

"Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book." - Ronald Reagan

"No arsenal, or no weapon in the arsenals of the world, is so formidable as the will and moral courage of free men and women.” - Ronald Reagan

Government Bailout Out Special

 

Good Riddance

 

And I will be glad when the SOB sales and moves on, too.

Firearms Refresher Course

 

'Those who hammer their guns into plows will plow for those who do not.' ~ Thomas Jefferson
God Bless The Second Amendment and the NRA

FIREARMS REFRESHER COURSE

1. An armed man is a citizen. An unarmed man is a subject.

2. A gun in the hand is better than a cop on the phone.

3. Colt: The original point and click interface.

4. Gun control is not about guns; it's about control.

5. If guns are outlawed, can we use swords?

6. If guns cause crime, then pencils cause misspelled words.

7. Free men do not ask permission to bear arms.

8. If you don't know your rights, you don't have any.

9. Those that trade liberty for security have neither.

10. The United States Constitution (c) 1791. All Rights Reserved.

11. What part of 'shall not be infringed' do you not understand?

12. The Second Amendment is in place in case the politicians ignore the others.

13. 64,999,987 firearms owners killed no one yesterday.

14. Guns only have two enemies; rust and politicians.

15. Know guns, know peace, know safety. No guns, no peace, no safety.

16. You don't shoot to kill; you shoot to stay alive.

17. 911: Government sponsored Dial-a-Prayer.

18. Assault is a behavior, not a device.

19. Criminals love gun control; it makes their jobs safer.

20. If guns cause crime, then matches cause arson.

21. Only a government that is afraid of its citizens tries to control them.

22. You have only the rights you are willing to fight for.

23. Enforce the gun control laws we ALREADY have; don't make more.

24. When you remove the people's right to bear arms, you create slaves.

25. The American Revolution would never have happened with gun control.

Wait! Let me get down off my soapbox...ahhhhh, uuuhhhh, whew, there...
Carry On Now

Tusday Funnies

 

Quotes:
Did you ever notice how they have commercials on TV with detergents that get out the blood stains? IF you have blood all over your shirt, I don’t think laundry is your biggest problem. – Jerry Seinfeld

The prime purpose of eloquence is to keep other people from talking. – Louis Vermeil

Why are there luggage stores in airports? Who forgets their suitcase and have you ever seen a guy with an armload of shirts going, ‘Hooray! A suitcase.’ – Jay Mohr

Jokes:
Most single men sort their laundry into two piles:
“Filthy” and “Filthy but Wearable.”

More and more doctors are running their practices lie an assembly line. One fella walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had.

He said, “Shingles!”

So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minuets later a nurse’s aide came out and asked him what he had.

He said, “Shingles!”

So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room. A half-hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had.

He said, “Shingles!”

So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had.

He said, “Shingles!”

The doctor looked him over and asked, “Where do you have shingles?”

He said, “Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?”

*****

I have CDO. It’s like OCD but with the letters in alphabetical order, like they’re supposed to be.

There are three kinds of people in the world – those who are good at math and those who aren’t.

*****

“What’s the quickest way from here to Philadelphia?”

“Are you walking or driving?”

“I’m driving.”

“Yep! That’s definitely the quickest way.”


This Isn't My Best Work - But I Had To Try

The Dictionary For Women

Again, in my commitment in educating the world, I give you a unique dictionary meant for the more enlightened woman. You men need to know it, too, because you need all the information you can get in order to live with these fickled beast…people.

Therefore I give you the:

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you’re right, but he just hasn’t realized it yet.

Bar-Be-Que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but he, “made the dinner.”

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes Dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minuets of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take it with you to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See “Magician.”

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space. If he goes in, he isn’t coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*birth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say, “focus…breath…push…”

Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his color, coloring only a tramp would wear.

Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning. “to go somewhere and neck.” After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage, and children. See also “tranquilizers.”

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Valentine’s Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

You’re welcome!

Beauty Is In The Eye Of The Beholder

And I behold a beautiful example of self-mutilation.

I found this on MyFOXla.com. The things people will do just to be different. I do nothing and that’s different enough for me (though I do have pierced ears.)

 

The world's most pierced woman, according to the Guinness Book of World Records, has added to her collection with a 6,005th piercing, the U.K.'s Telegraph reported.
Elaine Davidson, of Edinburgh, Scotland, made the Guinness World Record official in 2000 when she had a mere 462 piercings — 192 of which were in her face.

Nine years later, the Brazilian-born nurse has thousands of piercings including more than 1,500 that she says are "internal."

Surprisingly, Davidson says she doesn't like getting pierced.

"To break the record you have to get to a high level," she told the Telegraph. "I wanted to break the record. My family [doesn't] even like tattoos or piercings. But I am happy. I decided to change myself and be me."

Excessive piercing can be dangerous, according to medical experts. In addition to the risk of infection in and around the area of the piercings, people who are well-pierced are considered at high risk for blood-borne diseases such as hepatitis and HIV, which can be spread by reusing needles.

If you would like to see more pictures of this woman go to this site (cut and paste because I still do not know how to make links):

http://www.foxnews.com/photoessay/0,4644,5520,00.html

She is a nurse; wouldn't it be a hoot to run her through a MRI machine. She would look different then.

Why I Don't Fish Anymore

This is exactly why I don't fish anymore. Peaceful pastime my ass!!!
Why I don't fish

Knock Away

 

Saturday Humor

 

Here are a few of the jokes that I have received on my e-mail lately. Maybe they will make your weekend go by with a smile.
*****
Only In America

A couple in the backwoods of Kentucky (obviously) had nine children. They decided that nine was enough and decided to go to the local doctor to see about getting the husband fixed.

The doctor gladly explained the procedure that would be required; asking them what brought them to this decision?

The Doctor asked. "Why, after previously having nine children, would you choose to do this?"

The husband said that he had seen on a TV news show that 1 out of every 10 children born in America was Mexican.

"So?" continued the doctor.

"So me and the Mrs., here, just can't take that chance....nary one of us speaks Spanish."
*****

A heartwarming story.
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.

He approached a uniformed policeman and said, 'I've lost my grandpa!'

'The cop asked, 'What's he like?'

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,

'Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits.'
*****
God Knows The Truth
A small boy is awakened from a sound sleep with a bright flash of lightening and an instantaneous clap of deafening thunder immediately followed by yet another explosion of blinding light and thunder. Instantly the boy is out of his bed and dashes into his parent's bedroom to be comforted by his father who had anticipated his son's soon arrival.

"Don't be afraid, son, that is only God expressing His anger when a person tells a lie."

A quizzical look crossed the child's face as he looked into his father's eyes and asked, "I don't understand. It's in the middle of the night and everyone is supposed to be asleep. Who is God mad at now?"

Dad replied, "Well, son, this about the time they start printing the N.Y. TIMES newspaper!"

Grandma’s Boy Friend

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?

'Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'

The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'
*****
SENIOR DRESS CODE
I may have posted this one before:

Many of us 'Old Folks' (those over 50, WAY over 50, or hovering near 50) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We are unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to Conform to current fashions. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together And should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals!
2. Spiked hair and bald spots!
3. A pierced tongue and dentures!
4. Miniskirts and support hose!
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads!
6. Speedo's and cellulite!
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar!
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor!
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge!
10. Bikinis and liver spots!
11. Short shorts and varicose veins!
12. Inline skates and a walker!
13. Thongs and Depends!!!!!


Now, do you feel a little better? Hope so!

The Motorcycle Accident

 

From my buddy, Jim!

A gentleman was injured in a motorcycle accident, the results of which were that his "manhood" was severely mangled. After having sufficiently recovered from his other bodily injuries, he was referred to a plastic surgeon to discuss the options available to restore his most prized possession. The surgeon was most encouraging, stating that there were several options from which the man could choose, but that the cost of the surgery would not be covered under his health insurance, as it would be considered as "cosmetic surgery."

The surgeon when on to offer the man three restorative options; the first being that for $8,500 he could receive a "small" replacement appendage, for $10,500 he could move up to a medium, and for $18,500 he could opt for the largest. The man was somewhat taken aback by the surgical cost, but mused that perhaps since he had the opportunity to make the choice he would select the largest.

The surgeon suggested that since this was to be a major outlay of personal cash that he might wish to consult with his wife. The man thought this was a good idea and agreed to place a telephone call to his wife immediately for her opinion and then report back to the doctor within the hour.

Within the hour the man came most dejectedly back into the physician’s office and slumped down in the chair across the desk for the doctor. "Well?" inquired the doctor, "What did she say?"

With tears welling up in his eyes the man said, "I gave her all of the cost options and the anticipated drawbacks and benefits of each choice." - Silence - After a considerable pause, the doctor ventured a hesitant, "And?"

"She said she'd rather remodel the kitchen."

Women...you can't live with them and you can't kill them...can you?

Owed To The Spell Checker

Those of you who read my blog, especially my comments on your site, know I can relate to this poem:

Owed to the Spell Checker

Eye halve a spelling checker.
It came with my pea sea.
It plainly marcs four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write.
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite.
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
Eye am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My checker tolled me sew.

Moral Lesson

Two cars meet in the road and the drivers frantically gesture at one another.

“Pig!” says the woman driving one car.

“Bitch!” says the man driving the other car.

A few seconds later the male driver crashes his car into a pig wandering in the middle of the road.

The moral: Men just don’t listen…and women believe that a man should always understand what they mean.

Two Buddies

 

Two buddies, Scotty and John, were getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly John throws up all over himself. "Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!"

Scotty says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill."

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Eventually John stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time.

“You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!", she said.

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, John says, “Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin. Itsh snot wha yew think. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me... he had one too many! And he juss koudin hold hizz liquor. He said hes was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!"

John's wife looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks.."

"Oh, yeah.. I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too."

The Red Dot Explained

 

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. This is called a ‘Bindi’. It is not to be confused with the Crocodile Hunter’s daughter, Bindi.

However, most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian Embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab or a motel. If nothing is there, then he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with technical advice.

This is another service announcement brought to you by me in order to keep you informed and educated. It is part of my ongoing attempt to educate the world.

You’re welcome.

Another Damn MeMe That I Volunteered For

I saw this meme by Jan over at Tookie Tails (and I don’t know why or what Tookie Tails are) place and thought I would pass it along so you would know a little more about me. She didn’t tag anyone so I won’t either.

1. What is your occupation right now? Part time dog and auto transport driver. Retired Financial Analyst from Lucent Technologies.

2. What color are your socks right now? One is white the other is yellow from the pee running down my leg.

3. What are you listening to right now? The voices in my head…don’t say that, he can too. No he can’t. Yes I will, it’s my blog. No it ain’t. Is too. Ain’t! Give him some candy. No…

4. Last person you spoke to on the phone. Judy, the wife formally known as Sweet Tea.

5. How old are you today? I was 21 when I woke up this morning, 150 when I tried to get out of bed and about 90 right now.

6. What is your favorite sport to watch on TV? Nude Mud Wrestling and NASCAR (especially if they drive nude.)

7. What is your favorite drink? Diet Coke, Ice Tea, Bud Lite, Scotch, Bourbon and 7 & 7.

8. Have you ever dyed your hair? I know you think my hair is dyed gray, but, no, it’s natural.

9. Favorite food? Steak and/or chicken wings.

10. What is the last movie you watched? Knocked Up

11. Favorite day of the year? The one where I am not sick and still alive.

12. How do you vent anger? I beat the shit out of anybody I can find that is smaller and weaker than me.

13. What was your favorite toy as a child? My Dick!

14. Living arrangements? I agree to do what ever Judy says and she lets me live.

15. What was the last thing that you cried about? When McCain lost the election.

16. Who is the friend you have had the longest? Friend? What’s this ‘Friend’ you speak of?

17. What did you do last night? Watched TV, read blogs, got up a couple of times to pee and slept.

18. What are you most afraid of? Obama!

19. In how many areas of your country have you lived? Two, Long Beach, CA, in the Navy and Georgia. But, really, I live to the fullest everywhere I am.

20. What is your favorite flower? Martha White Self Rising

Everyday Items Usage

Here are some everyday hints for you (eventhough you dometic goddesses already know this stuff from years of paracitce.) But I think they are cool. I'll be sure to tell my Judy about them so she can make life easier on me.

Rubberbands
1. Open jars with ease. When a small lid won't budge, wrap a rubber band around it several times to give you a better grip.

2. Decorate Easter eggs. Arrange rubber bands in a pattern around hard-boiled eggs, then dip them into dye. Remove the bands when the eggs are dry.

3. Bring order to your dishwasher. Tether stemware and other delicate, wobbly items to the rack.

4. Wrap a gift. Use multiple colored rubber bands instead of ribbon to add modern flair to a small present. (Particularly handy when you can't find the tape.)

Toothpicks
5. Label meat. Are these burgers rare or well-done? They all look the same on the outside. Identify just-off-the-grill meats with different-colored toothpicks and they won't get mixed up.

6. Find the end of the roll. When you've finished using tape, wrap the end around a toothpick so you can easily locate it the next time.

7. Glue beads and sequins. Use the sharp ends to apply teensy items to a craft project.

8. Sew a better button. Place a toothpick between the button and fabric so it doesn't go on too tightly and end up tough to fasten.

9. Press a gadget's Reset button. What fits perfectly into that tiny hole? You guessed it.

Salt
10. Clean up a cracked egg. Cover the mess with a handful of salt, then wipe up with ease.

11. Dust a wreath. Place a wreath of pinecones or faux evergreen in a paper bag with a 1/4 cup of salt. Fold the top of the bag over and gently shake.

12. Remove tea stains. Sprinkle salt on a lemon peel, then rub it on a tea-stained cup. (Arched pinky optional.)

13. Shine brass and copper. Make a paste of a few tablespoons of white vinegar with equal parts salt and flour. Apply with a soft cloth, rinse, and dry.

Post-It Note
14. Clean a keyboard. Run the sticky side between the keys to collect crumbs and bits of lint.

15. Navigate the roads. Write directions on a note and stick it to the center of your steering wheel for quick reference.

16. Mark containers. Cut off the sticky zone and use it as an ersatz label for travel bottles so you don't confuse your facial cleanser with your hair gel.

17. File away. Divide a pile of paper into sections using Post-it Notes as you would folder tabs.

18. Play tic-tac-toe. Use a sheet for each X and O. Peel them up and play again until they lose their stickiness. (Or you lose interest. Whichever comes first.)

Felt Circles
19. Secure slinky garments. Stick a felt circle onto each arm of a hanger to keep clothes from sliding off.

20. Anchor a cutting board. Place a circle under each corner of the board so it stays put while you slice and dice.

21. Prevent tabletop scratches. Attach a circle to the bottom of a vase so it doesn't scuff surfaces.

22. Keep your kitchen quiet. Hush a banging cabinet door by sticking a circle on a corner on the inside of the door.

23. Protect the walls. Position felt on each corner of a picture frame so the edges won't mark the paintwork.

Clear Nail Polish
24. Keep an eyeglass screw in place. If your specs are a bit wobbly, tighten the screws and top them with a dollop of polish.

25. Secure buttons. Apply a thin layer of polish to the center of a button to keep the thread from coming loose.

26. Avoid rust stains in the bathroom. Coat the bottom of a shaving-cream can to fend off rings on the ledge of the tub.

27. Seal an envelope. When a flap won't stay stuck, find closure with clear polish.

28. Extend the life of jewelry. Paint a thin coat onto a costume bauble to prevent it from losing its luster.

You can pass these on to Martha Stewart if you want too.

Why, Why, Why

 

Come on in, class, and take your seats. Today’s lesson is on the question, ‘WHY’.

In my on-going attempt to better your lives, I will post a list of questions that you have but are afraid to ask (except Stacy, who sent this to me.) Yes you are, too! Don’t argue with me. You are!

Anyways, here are the questions:

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead?
Why do we feel the need to push an elevator button that has already been pushed and the light is on?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there is not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars; but have to
check when you say the paint is still wet?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manages to knock something else over?
Why, in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
And finally,
Why don’t you ever hear father-in-law jokes?

Now, I’ve ask the questions for you. I just wish there were some answers.

The Day The Music Died

 

I was 50 years ago today, February 3, 1959, that we lost three men who would go down in history as the first of our generation to out in a blaze of glory - so to speak. I was fourteen at the time and I remember sitting at the kitchen table listening over and over to the radio reports of the crash. This is one of the first incidences that effected my life in a way that still bothers me today. I may post about it one day, not that you care or anything. It just did.

MSNBC had this to say in part:

"The wreckage of a single-engine Beechcraft Bonanza was scattered across a small area of snow-covered cornfield outside of Clear Lake, Iowa. The plane crashed into the ground suddenly, so most of the smoldering rubble was concentrated in one area. Three passengers — Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens and J.P. Richardson, a.k.a. “The Big Bopper” — were ejected from the plane and died on impact, as did the pilot, 21-year-old Roger Peterson.

That happened on Feb. 3, 1959, exactly 50 years ago this Tuesday."

The thing that struck me the most about this article was the fact that the pilot was only 21 years old. I did not know that, and I wonder if lack of experience directly caused the crash. I mean, mid winter in the mid-west back in 1959 in an era that did not have the best of defrosting equipment? It goes back to the old saying, "There are old pilots, and there are bold pilots; but there are no old, bold pilots."

Also, I guess most of you know that Waylon Jennings was one of the Crickets (Holly's band) and gave up his seat on the plain to the Big Bopper. Buddy was ragging him on taking the bus and Waylon's last words to him were, "I hope the plane crashes." It haunted him to his dying day.

I also wonder how famous Buddy and the other guys would be today if the crash had not happened. We will never know, but what I do know is, it affected my generation in a huge way. We found out we were not immortal.

My Life As A Retired Person

 

For E.Craig