Skipping School

 
I sent this as a comment to one of my blog peeps (Blueeyedtawni) in response to her post about some parents accidentally catching their kids skipping school.

I’m not proud of this – well not totally – but back when I was single, and at my lowest point in life, I was dating a married woman with three kids (2 boys and a bitch…uh…girl.)

She had left the husband and they were living with me. One day the boys skipped school. I worked the third shift back then so I was home, and mama was off, hiding from her hubby.

One day the boys skipped school and the school called. We went looking for them and found them on their bicycles. Every time I tried to walk up to them, they would ride off laughing. I did this four or five times. I finally said fuck it.

I went back to my truck, got my gun and went walking back to where they had stopped and were waiting on me. The mom was scramming for me not to shoot them. Mom’s do that ya know. They don’t dole out discipline but they freak when you try to shoot their kids.

When I got close I told them not of move and showed them the gun. They laughed and said fuck you and took off.

I fired two shots that hit beside their bikes. They both fell off the bikes and was pleading for me not to shoot them. I wanted to, I really, really wanted to, but I didn’t.

I made them load the bikes in the back of the truck and took them home. I got the bikes and a sledge hammer, beat the wheels into squares, and took the chains and locked them in my glove compartment.

I told them to never cut class again and to never, ever run from me. I told them I would not beat them as their dad did, and I would talk straight with them. They didn’t skip again!

But me and mom started having problems because, when it came down to it, she was a sleazy whore. Now don’t get me wrong. I like a little sleazy whore sometimes. But she was the real thing. She went back to her husband. She was just using me to make him jealous.

Epilog! About three years later her daughter was kill by a drink driver who ran up on the sidewalk. Now her oldest son is in jail and the other boy is a druggy.

She did me a favor by going back to the low life scumbag drunk. I move on and up, got a better life and never looked back - ‘till Blueeyedtwani reminded me of that time in my life.

The Pasta Diet

 
The Pasta Diet
1) You walka pasta da bakery.
2) You walka pasta da candy store.
3) You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.
4) You walka pasta da table and fridge.

And for those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all the conflicting medical studies:

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausage and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you

Brothers Deodorant

 
My brother got a new deodorant.

The instructions said remove cap, push up bottom.

He can barely walk now, but when he farts it smells amazing.

Welcome To My World

This is so my life. Everything in this reminds me off...umm...hello! When did y'all get here? I was just about to...umm...where are those damn glasses?

I Was Fired

I was once fired from a job a few years ago. No, it wasn’t for stealing or poor attendance or even poor job performance. It was for caring too much for the welfare and morale of my fellow workers.

For the Annual Company Picnic, management had decided that because of liability issues, we could have alcohol, but only one drink per person...

I was fired for ordering the cups.

 

I think everyone had a good time, tho no one can actually remember.

USS Frank E Evans DD754 Video

Those of you who have been visiting me for awhile know the story of my ship and her sinking and the loss of the 74 young men. One of the people in the Evans association has a cousin to was at our Milwaukee reunion and made a video from interviews with two Australian sailors who were aboard the HMAS Melbourne that night and were decorated for valor in their efforts to save our guys and with some of the survivors. There will be a DVD coming out, soon, but this is a snippet of what the video will be like.

Also, there is a book out about the sinking. The book, Unsinkable Sailors, came out a couple of months ago. Look it up and read it.

Understand, these survivors have PTSD. They wake up at night feeling like they are falling out of their racks. Some cannot stand to be in cold water and some wake up from hearing the sounds of men screaming. All feel survivor guilt and wonder why they are still here.

My bff from Chicago, Chuck, was at the Australia reunion this year. He served with me and was not part of the incident. He is, however, a deacon in the Catholic Church and works in a jail and prison ministry, which mostly means that he listens to the inmates. He is an awesome listener and as such the men of Australia talked for hours with him. One guy is having nightmares and was crying to Chuck because he only saved two men. He said there were many more in the water but he couldn’t get back to them. They either drowned from being sucked down by the suction of the front half going down, or from hypothermia from the cold water or from shark attack. He is a decorated hero, too, but he cares nothing about the medals. He morns the ones he couldn’t get to. Aren’t you glad and proud that there are men like these guys walking among us? The Navies of the world are full of men of courage like these guys. I am just proud that I got to be associated with them in some small way.

Anyways, this is the video:



Lest we forget…

CFC Breakdown

 
My new blogging friend, Daffy, sent this to me.

Cash For Clunkers

Is there a CPA in the house? How about a good bookkeeper?

Did anyone run the numbers on (C4C) Cash for Clunkers?

Of the cars traded during C4C 61.4% went to "Foreign" manufacturers ($1.84 Billion...bye, bye!)

Chrysler, Ford and GM received 38.6% of the pie. ($1.15 Billion "invested")

Top 10 new vehicles purchased during C4C

1. Toyota Corolla
2. Honda Civic
3. Toyota Camry
4. Ford Focus FWD
5. Hyundai Elantra
6. Nissan Versa
7. Toyota Prius
8. Honda Accord
9. Honda Fit
10.Ford Escape FWD

Next....

Driven 12,000 mile per year, a 15 mpg "clunker" vehicle uses 800 gallons of gasoline.

Driven 12,000 mile per year a 25 mpg new vehicle uses480 gallons of gasoline.

The average clunkertransaction will reduce gasoline consumption 320 gallons per year.

700,000 vehicles were traded – so that's a savings of 224 million gallons/ year.

This is bit over 5 million barrels of oil.

5 million barrels of oil is about ¼ of one day's US consumption.

$3 billion was paid to reduce oil dependency by .00068% At $75/barrel, 5 million barrels of oil costs about $350 million dollars.

Taxpayers spent $3 billion to save $350 million.

Not a good deal!

Next...

300,000,000 approximate current US population.
240,000,000 approximate number of us paying taxes.
700,000 traded cars during C4C program.
700,000 / 240,000,000 = .0029 or .3%

Assuming all who traded cars were US taxpayers...
3/10 of 1% of American taxpayers received a benefit from C4C.

99.7% were left with the check!

It's hard to remember why C4C was implemented...to create jobs and to reduce our dependence on foreign oil.

61% to foreign brands...fail
.00069% reduction of oil use...epic fail

Do you wonder why Americans are protesting in the streets?

They voted for change and they are getting the same old crap!

Fear not...your government will do a much better job with health care!

See Ya Tomorrow

 
THIRTY SIX HOURS without sleep and I have this stiff muscle.

I am dying here, folks.

See y'all tomorrow afternoon whe I get home.

It's My Time Of The Month Again

Damn, it's here again. The day I dread all month. The aggravation and pain; the inconvenience and lack of sleep...

I have my monthly dog transport trip to NY and I have to go do it...now.

Over 30 hours of highway, dogs, rain and dodging spray from semi’s before I get to lay my head down on a motel pillow. I am so fucking happy about this trip.

TTY later, peeps.

Kenya Sucks

 
I stole this from Sarah!

My Trip To WalMart

 
I'm just enjoying a lovely day at WalMart.

I thought I would cruse and give the ladies a treat.

Your welcome, girls!

THE ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER

 
THE ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER

This one is a little different…
Two Different Versions!…
Two Different Morals!…

ORIGINAL VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.

The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself



MODERN VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long , building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.

CBS, NBC , PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast.

How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper and everybody cries when they sing, 'It's Not Easy Being Green.'

Acorn stages a demonstration in front of the ant 's house where the news stations film the group singing, 'We shall overcome.' Rev. Jeremiah Wright then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.

Nancy Pelosi & Harry Reid exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.

Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the Government Green Czar.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ants food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be careful how you vote in 2010.

Blond's Wedding

 

On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.

When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, 'It's Lent.'

In tears, she sobbed, 'Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard! Who in the hell did you lend it to, and for how long?'

bada dum!

I have a million of them folks, a million and I'll be here all week.

Hello!! This thing on? You out there?

Ingrates‘!

More On Hope

If you are thinking about adopting an MP that I spoke about a couple of post ago, please go to Hope's site (on my blog roll) and she what she has to say about the guys and gals. Due to the nature of their work, there is a measure of secrecy in their job. But the 20 names she has are names the 1Sgt gave her who have not received any mail at all.

Just work with Hope and you will be rewarded in one way or another. Also, she is in dire need for monetary donations. She has an icon for a PayPal donation. She is also working on becoming a Non Profit organization so that you might have a tax deduction, too.

But the important thing is the moral of the dudes and dudetts who need to feel the love, too.

Thanks for what ever you can do.

John

Red Neck Word of the Day

 

Give HOPE A Hand

 

Peeps,

My blogging buddy and milsupport guru, Hope over at Hope Radio (on my blog roll,) has a request out for help. She has a list of 20 MP’s in Afghanistan who have not received any mail from the States since May.

Being a total asshole and not having any friends as well as being the black sheep of the family, I know what it was like to not receive mail for extended periods of time when I was in the Navy. The only thing I could count on was a church bulletin on Wednesday and a one page letter from my mom once a week or so. None from my brothers or sister, none from my 'friends’ from high school, non from anyone. I started to buy something on credit and not pay for it just so I could get dunning letters from the collection department. But these guys have had NOTHING.

Get in touch with Hope at hstrueby@live.com and get a name or two of some deserving men or women who need support from the people back home. And don’t be afraid to ask about any needs they have. A care package once a moth will mean more to these guys than Christmas morning. They don’t need much. Old magazines, books, any TV shows you have burned on DVD’s, nuts, raisins, beef jerky, non chocolate candy, etc.

I always tell my guys about my week or month and the things I have done with my grandkids and family. Then I tell them that I am not telling them this to add to their homesickness or to make them lonely, but to let them know I am able to do things like this because that are there doing the hard stuff so that we can have the freedom to do our stuff, and that I appreciate their sacrifice. Not sappy, just be honest.

Just send an introductory letter for some people who chose to give back to their country. They will appreciate it and you have given something of yourself to help make the world a better place. And you may even make a new friend for life. How neat can that be?

God Bless’em…and you if, too, if you choose to help Hope and the troops.

Children's Science Exam

 

If you need a good laugh, try reading through these real children's science exam answers....

Children's Science Exam

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does 'varicose' mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.'
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

The all made scence to me...where's the joke?

U2 Super Bowl Salute To 9/11

I just found this today; I had never seen it before.



I am impressed!

9-11

I WILL NEVER FORGET

 

 

Breakfast In Bed

 

HAHAHAHHAHAHA!

Now that is a caring husband!

TRANSLATIONS & OTHER STUFF

 

TRANSLATIONS

DICTIONARY FOR MEN'S PERSONAL ADS
40-ish....................................................50+
Adventurous...............................................Will sleep with anyone
Athletic..................................................Has a job
Average looking...........................................Beer Belly
Handsome..................................................Gray hair
Emotionally secure........................................Drinks alot
Contagious smile..........................................Really drinks alot
Friendship first..........................................I'll use a condom
Fun.......................................................See contagious smile
Open minded...............................................Will your girlfriend join us?
Outgoing..................................................See contagious smile
Passionate................................................Doesn't mind foreplay first
Wants soul mate...........................................I need a live in maid!

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS
40-ish....................................................49
Adventurous...............................................Slept with everyone
Athletic..................................................No Tits
Average looking...........................................Homely
Beautiful.................................................Pathological liar
Emotionally secure........................................Does prescription pills
Contagious smile..........................................Does any pills
Feminist..................................................Butch
Free spirit...............................................Junkie
Friendship first..........................................Trying to kick the slutty habit
Fun.......................................................Annoying
New age...................................................Body hair everywhere
Open minded...............................................Desperate
Outgoing..................................................Loud & embarrassing
Passionate................................................Sloppy drunk
Professional..............................................Bitch
Wants soul mate...........................................Stalker

WOMEN'S ENGLISH
1 Yes = No
2 No = Yes
3 Maybe = No
4 We need = I want
5 I am sorry = You'll be sorry
6 We need to talk = Your in trouble
7 Sure go ahead = You better not
8 Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
9 I am not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron
10 Your very attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH
1 I am hungry = I am hungry
2 I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3 I am tired = I am tired
4 Nice dress = Nice cleavage !
5 I love you = Lets have sex now
6 I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7 May I have this dance = I want to have sex with you!
8 Can I call you sometime? = I want to have sex with you!
9 Do you want to go to a movie? = I want to have sex with you!
10 Can I take you out to dinner? = I want to have sex with you!
11 Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm Gay!

Albert's Trip To The Store

 

A woman in a grocery store happens upon a grandfather and his poorly behaved 3 year-old grandson. It is obvious to her that Gramps has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle; cookies in the cookie aisle; same for fruit, cereal and soda in their respective aisles.

Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, Albert, we won't be long--easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she hears Gramps calmly say, "It's okay, Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

Finally at the checkout counter, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Gramps, again in a controlled voice says, "Albert, Albert, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Albert."

Extremely impressed, the woman goes outside where Gramps is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.

She says, "You know, sir, it's none of my business, but you were simply amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. Albert is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks, lady," said Gramps, "I'm Albert--the little shit's name is John!"

She's Got You

I got this from my wife in an email...recon she is trying to tell me something?

Gov. Health Warning of Women

I saw this on Sgt. Charlie's sight and it is just to important a message to health of women to not be passed on.
(By the way, Charlie is fighting a winning battle with the bit C and could use you support and prayers. Drop by and give him a big shout out.)

 

Click on it to biggerzise it.

Ponderisms

 
Peeps, you know how much I care about your education, and that I always try to give you the latest, most up-to-date information I can gather to further that goal. But sometimes I learn from you peeps, too. And when that happens, it is my commitment to you and your ‘learning’s’ that I forward the information on to you. I know, I know! I’m great and stuff, but it’s only because I care about each and every one of you.

So, the other day I was perusing several of my blogger friends ( okay, I was looking at all of’em) when I ran across this tidbit of knowledge from my friend Bob over at Citizen Soldier. He be a smart dude, too.

So for your continuing educational…uh…education I give you:

PONDERISMS

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about see ing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole @#?}%&! box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Okay! That’s it for today. Class will be continued at a later date that will be determined by me and a surprise to you. In the mean time, keep learning, laughing and loving (call me if it’s pretty good) and I’ll see ya later.

Your welcome!

John

Why

 
1. Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
2. Why do banks charge a fee on “insufficient funds” when they know there is no money in the account?
3. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
4. Why doesn’t glue stick to the bottle?
5. Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
6. Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
7. Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
8. Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
9. Whose idea was it to put an “S” in the word “lisp”?
10. If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
11. Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
12. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
13. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
14. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with the vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
15. Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try?
16. How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
17. When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, “It’s all right?” Well, it isn’t all right so why don’t we say, “That hurt, you stupid idiot?”
18. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
19. In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complain about the heat?
20. How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
21. If a first you don’t succeed, shouldn’t you try it like your wife told you to do it?
22. And obviously if at first you don’t succeed, then don’t take up sky diving.

The Bitch Was Mine...

 
So…I’m suppose to tell you about me hitting my seventh grade teacher. But it wasn’t my fault - kinda.

Mrs. Stringfellow had a bad habit of pulling hair. Not just pulling, but grabbing a handful and shaking the head while telling the tormented student (okay it was me) not to talk in class. Teachers could get away with shit like that back then. I have also been hit on the back of the hand with a ruler for poor penmanship, but that was pretty common among the classes. I wasn’t singled out for that infraction.

Anyways, it didn’t matter if it was actually me or my buddies Richard or Tommy talking, if she heard noise in my direction, I was the target. In all fairness, there was a couple of other punks and one girl that was the recipient of the head shaking, too. But I, deservedly, was the numero uno target.

One day was pretty bad in that I got jerked three or four times and my head was sore. When I got home my two older brothers, Bill and Jim, who were 15 and 10 years older than me, were home, too. I don’t remember why they were home, but they were. As I walked in the bedroom, Bill rubbed my head and said some kind of hello. I winched a little and he wanted to know why.

Dumb me, I told him about Mrs. Stringfellow and the hair pulling. He just chuckled and said I probably deserved it. So I was headed into the other bedroom when I heard Jim say, “If that bitch pulled my hear I would knock the shit out of her.” That’s good enough for me. If Jim, who had rather fight than fuck, said that was the thing to do, then the bitch was mine.

So the next day, sure enough, here she came down the isle with that look on her face. She grabbed me by the hair, jerking me up out of my desk and started to shake my head. That’s when I came up between her tits (there were surprisingly soft, as I remember it) and caught her under her chin.

She started to stagger backwards but was able to grabbed me by the neck of my shirt with her other hand while still holding on to my hair. She took three or four steps backward with me still in her grasp, bent over and trying to keep my balance. And just like in the movies when a car is speeding backward and the driver does a 180 spin to start forward, she got her footing and off I was going to the principles office, my feet barely touching the ground and trying to keep from slipping and falling.

She got to the principles office and, without knocking, flung the door open (good thing he wasn’t jacking off or humping a teacher or something) and threw me into the office and yelled at Mr. Cooper, “This little bastard just hit me and I want him out of this school, NOW.” Mr. Cooper, calmly but sternly told her, in effect, to shut the fuck up and get out. He would handle it.

And he did. We talked about what and why and he said that he would talk to her because he had been getting some reports from some parents about her conduct. But he could not condone violence in his school, so I was suspended for three days. She kept her job. But I had a rough rest of the year on top of all the emotional stuff. In fact, she moved me and my desk next to hers. I was having some rough times growing up and no support at home that year and my grades were not that good. So at the end of the school year she had the pleasure, according to her smile and the gleam in her eyes, of telling me in front of the class that I wasn’t being promoted to the eighth grade, but that I was being ‘placed’ there.

Back in the 50’s, the city of Atlanta did not have junior highs. Elementary was from 1st to 7th and high school form 8th to 12th. She just didn’t want me back in her class again and the feeling was mutual. She was never on my Christmas card list, either.

However, for a while after I punched her, I was treated like a hero by my classmates. I kept in touch with Mr. Cooper for many years, till he passed away and he repeatedly laughed about the incident and said that he often wished he could have done the same thing to her.

But I was on my brothers shit-list for a long time after that. Jim never admitted that he said that, but we both knew he did.

Passion After 50 Years

 

I was talking to a friend today and it was suggested I tell you about the time I hit my seventh grade teacher. I will in another post, but first I want to tell you about this couple celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.

An off-duty police officer was having a doughnut and a cup of coffee one night in the old restaurant when this older couple came in and sat in the booth next to his. Though he tried not to listen to their conversation, he couldn’t help it because they had to speak a little loudly due to their age and declining hearing.

When the waitress came to get their order, the old man told her that this was their 50th wedding anniversary and this restaurant was where he took his lovely wife on their first date. After a few brief congratulatory comments, the waitress left to get their order - the same one they had over 50 years before - and the old couple started reminiscing.

The off-duty officer listened as they talked about their first date and all the things they did that day, what was going through their minds as the got ready for their first date; him just getting out of the Army and her starting her first job at Woolworths.

Then they stopped to eat their food and then he said, “Do you remember what we did when we finished eating our first meal?”

She said, “Yes, you took me out behind the restaurant, leaned me up against the chain link fence and made love to me right there.”

“Yep! It was a special time.” he said. Then after a pause he said, “Would you like for me to do it again? Once more for old time sakes, jsut like we did back then.”

She blushed and said quietly, “Yes!”

The officer thought, as he watched them pay the bill and leave holding hands, that he had witnessed something sweet and very special. But he was a little concerned about their plans, due to their age and all. So he decided to follow them to the back of the restaurant, not to watch, but to help protect them from outsiders and be there if they needed help. After all, they were between 75 and 80 years old.

He watched as the man bent over and took the panties off the lady and then drop his own pants. He picker her up and leaned her against the fence and immediately went to town. They were moving like madmen with her legs flinging out and about in both directions, and both were moaning and groaning and yelling during their wild frenzied love making. Finally his legs gave way and the fell into a heap on the ground.

The office was alarmed and ran over to help the old couple and see if there were any damages from the fall and spirited love making.

They assured him they were unhurt and pretty good considering what they had just experienced. The officer told them that he was impressed that after 50 years of being together they could still make mad passionate love like they just did.

The old man said, “Yeah, well, 50 years ago that fence wasn’t electrified.”

I wish I could find an electric fence somewhere…

In Case Y'All Wanted To Know...

Rodney has some purty good reasons, too!
He crackes me up (and not in that way either.)

Dumb Blond

 

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, “Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately.”

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.

"Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip.

"And by the way, "the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

A Soldier

I got this from my friend, Ariman Mom.
 





A Soldier

There is discipline in A Soldier,
you can see it when he walk.

There is honor in A Soldier,
you hear it when he talks.

There is courage in A Soldier,
you can see it in his eyes.

There is loyalty in A Soldier
that he will not compromise.

There is something in A Soldier
that makes him stand apart,

There is strength in A Soldier
that beats from his heart.

A Soldier isn't a title any man
can be hired to do,

A Soldier is the soul of that man
buried deep inside of you.

A Soldier's job isn't finished
after an 8 hour day or a 40 hour week,

A Soldier is always A Soldier
even while he sleeps.

A Soldier serves his country first
and his life is left behind,

A Soldier has to sacrifice what
comes first in a civilian's mind.

If you are civilian -

I am saying this to you.....
next time you see A Soldier
remember what they do.

A Soldier is the reason our land
is 'Home of the free',

A Soldier is the one that is brave
protecting you and me.

If you are A Soldier -
I am saying this to you.....

Thank God for EVERY SOLDIER
Thank God for what YOU do!

~Angela Goodwin

Worth A Boner

 
I was coming home from NY today. It was raining pretty hard and the traffic was heavy. But down around PA exit 52 on I-81 they are doing road work (what part of rain didn’t the understand) and people had to be rerouted. I was at mile marker 74 when the traffic stopped. Just North of where another interstate mergers into I-81.

Mind you, this was at 5 P.M. on Friday and I had been up since 9 A.M. Thursday morning. I was ill tempered, tired and hungry. So after an hour I was able to move over to the right lane, then jump on the emergency lane and get off at the next exit ramp.

I drove around and though I had a chance to get back on, but you couldn’t see I-81 due to the trees. I was further South, but still not far enough and everyone was still not moving. So I make a u-turn and went back up the ramp and rode around till I found (with the help of Agnes, my GPS mochene) another feeder to the I-81. This time I was sitting still in the far left lane and NO BODY was moving.

I kept looking at the median (it was over twice as wide as the picture above.) It is one of those grassy ‘V’ shaped medians and I could see about a mile down the road. There was a place that wasn’t as steep as where I was setting, but, as I said, it was raining dogs and cats. But I know speed DOES pay sometimes and not having any scents helps, too, so I pull onto the median and took off. I got up to sixty miles per hour, eased down the median and let the left wheels roll into and up the other side and then my right wheels down, over and up. I kept up my speed as I climbed out of the middle and made a u-turn on the North bound lane and took off.

I had to keep the speed up because it was wet and slick and I didn’t want to get stuck and have the Pennsylvania Highway Patrol come over and give me a ‘wood shampoo’ for being so stupid (I prefer daring and innovative.) And when I finally made the turnaround, people in the South bound lane were blowing their horns and waving. I don’t know it they were applauding me or cussing me, but I was moving and they weren’t.

I got off I-81 a little North, drove up and down several little two lane roads (looking at Agnes and the layout of the roads) and ending up going though Mechanicsburg, PA. I turned onto W. Main and dropped back 200 years. That little town is beautiful with all the old homes and, further out, all the old farms and barns. It was well worth the detour. And I came out at mile marker 47, well below the other shit an I was running 75 and 80 mph until I finally got so tired I had to stop.

I haven’t done anything that daring and stupid since…oh…um…last week. Actually, it has been around 30 years since I quit doing stuff like that. But it was a hoot to know I still have it. That is definitely boner stuff.

Let's Go To NY, y'all

Well it's that time of month again. I know that elicits sympathy from those of you who are of the feminine persuasion, but for me it means I’m on my way to New York with another load of dogs.

I’ll be checking in, if I can stay awake, tomorrow night, so in the meantime I am leaving you with a little ditty that makes me wonder about you Texas boys…



Rodney is my man...kinda...you know what I mean...right...yea, sure you do.