Email From Retired Sailors

From: Retired U.S Navy Personnel

To: The American Public

We in retirement take exception to everyone saying
that Obama, Reid and Pelosi are spending
like drunken sailors.

When we were drunken sailors,
we quit when we ran out of money.

PLEASE DO NOT INSULT US...

Somebody New Fer Ya

Okay, peeps, I have something for you. A VIRGIN. I met a great lady on Face Book awhile back who has been thinking about blogging for some time. Now she has set up a bog and she can use your support. Her name is Stacie and she is a Texas gal, has a daughter who is about to go to college, and she loves cooking. Her motto is STAY OUT OF MY KITCHEN.

She is an avid collector of cook books, a teacher, a reader, a little OCD, plays games on FB and is a great writer. And she's cute, too. Not that it means anything to me of course. But she does keep me chuckling when we text and she has some cool stories.

So give the girl a chance will yah? Be gentle with her as this is her first time. You can rough her up later, if you like. And you will like her.

Her site is Cooking Up Trouble Texas Style . Go on over, ya know ya wanna.

Give her the love.

Obamacare New Medical Symbol

To prepare for the new healthcare reform package, it necessary to develop a new medical symbol that truly depicts our new Health Care Plan.



As for the seniors, buy some condoms, we are going to need them.
Might as well stock up on Vasoline, too.
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Your First Concert

Over on Face Book I reposted a post from a friend about first concerts.


My first was a Peter, Paul and Mary concert back in ‘66 or ‘67 at the old Civic Auditorium in Atlanta.


However, some of the comments I received over on FB were pretty cool.

So tell me about your first concert. Who and when and where! Some of you probably saw Mozart and others might have seen Miley Cyrus for your first concert. Anysong, let us know…
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Words of Wisdom from the Coffeypot

My words of wisdom today:

Never piss off a woman that owns a backhoe...

They Walk Among Us

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.'

For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice. He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal. So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'

The next day someone stole it!

They walk amongst us!
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One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted, 'Look at that dead bird!'

Someone looked up at the sky and said, 'Where?'

They walk among us!
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While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was
north because he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.

She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?'

My brother explained that the sun rises in the east and has for sometime. She shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff.'

They Walk Among Us!
--------------------------------------------------

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard an admin girl talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach.

She drove down in a convertible, but said she 'didn't think she'd get sunburned
because the car was moving'.

They Walk Among Us!
--------------------------------------------------

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car which is designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the car trunk.

They Walk Among Us!
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I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain.

My friend said, 'Ouch! The chain must rip out every time she turns her head!"

I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no
matter which way the head is turned.

They Walk Among Us !
--------------------------------------------------

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.

The woman there smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and said I was in good hands.

'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'

They Walk Among Us!
--------------------------------------------------

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go.

He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6.

He thought about it for some time then said, 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.

They Walk Among Us!
--------------------------------------------------

And finally,

A VERY GOOD EXAMPLE OF THE KIND OF REPRESENTATION WE HAVE IN CONGRESS, TRUE STORY:

A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear. Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.

'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'

'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track.'

'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.

Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''

Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.'

Nancy Pelosi is Speaker of the House!!!

The Internet In Florida

THE INTERNET IN FLORIDA

WHO SAYS THE SENIORS IN FLORIDA DON'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE USE OF THE INTERNET?

FOXY LADY FROM KINGS POINT:
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6'), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT - BOCA TEECA:
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot.Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem

SERENITY NOW:CENTURYVILLAGE-LYONS ROAD:
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

WINNING SMILE - BROKEN SOUND:
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

BEATLES OR STONES? - Boca Lago:
I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar.. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes

MEMORIES ARE MADE OF THIS - FORT LAUDERDALE:
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.

IN MINT CONDITION - DELRAY BEACH:
Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.
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Redneck Monday - Redneck Lent

Redneck Monday is coming to you from the Nude Blogging At The Motel room in Winchester.

REDNECK LENT

Each Friday night after work, BJ (Bubba Jr.) would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.

But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic, and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic

Faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic.

After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass. At the end of class the Priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, 'You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic.

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.

The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted:

“You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish.”

Let Me Tell You... and I'm On The Road Again

“Let me tell you about this idiot who called me yesterday. Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, ya know, and yesterday I get this call from the contractor who installed them.

He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Hellloooo,........... just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.

He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.”

That’s it for today, peeps. I have to make a special run to NY with another load of dogs moving into forever homes. This will be the third trip this month. My second and another couple took a load up this past Thursday.

I’ll check in when I can. Maybe Monday night. Caio!

Pimping an Army Dude

I was reading my blog friend who calls himself Charlie Sherpa over at Red Bull Rising and found this prayer posted. He said that Eleanor Roosevelt carried with her during WWII.

"Dear Lord,

Lest I continue
My complacent way,
Help me to remember that somewhere,
Somehow out there
A man died for me today.
As long as there be war,
I then must
Ask and answer
Am I worth dying for?"

I am going to print it out and carry it with me so that when I open my wallet I will see it.

Charlie was writing about an Iowa native, Captain Dan Whitten, West Pointer, who was killed in February. His humvee hit an IED and wounded one of his men. He jumped into another humvee, drove to his destroyed vehicle and got the wounded shoulder. He was taking him to an aid station when his himvee hit another IED and he and another trooper were killed.

Go over and read his story linked by Sherpa. And keep coming back as this boy can write.

Now...keep reading below as I have several side-splitting post and videos for your viewing pleasure. Go on, now. Keep reading and commenting. Don't make me come after you...
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I WAS CONFUSED UNTIL...

I became confused when I heard the word 'service' used with these agencies:

Internal Revenue 'Service'
U.S. Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
Federal, State, City, County & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'service' meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows.

BAM!!!

It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.

You are now as enlightened as I am.

You're welcome!

Dunkin Donuts - It's Spiritual

Lord, ain't it so true!

Liu Qian - Magicain

This Is Amazing To My Simple Mind.

Absolutely Amazing - Where Did He Get 3 Silver Dollars?

Two Ultimate Fighting Matches

This is why I don't fight.

It would happen to me as sure as I'm setting in my chair right now.


But this one is a classic.

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Other Side Of Mt. Rushmore

Ever Wonder What The Canadian Side Of Mt. Rushmore Looks Like?

Happy St Patty's Day Me Lads and Lassies

Me, my truck (the Tin Can)and my Irish Shirt.
Tis the day ya know!


This is my "Kiss Me I'm Irish" button I wear on my two year old, beat up belt.
(It hasn't worked yet, but I have to keep on hopeing.)

As for today...

Faith and Begorrah (by Faith and by God)

Today is the day we Irish celebrate St. Patrick (a Scott who was kidnapped and enslaved by the Irish. Escaped and saw the light, went back to Ireland to preach the Gospel - or drink Guinness - or something like that.) He did help rid the islands of snakes, but not in the literal term. The ‘snakes’ mentioned in all the hoopla of St. Patrick’s Day was the English which he helped drive out of Ireland. But the Irish have been fighting among themselves ever since - over religion and the rule of Great Britain.

But for me, I just get to wear the green and maybe drink a beer or two. I’m not Irish American. I’m American. American by birth and Southern by the Grace of God.

It is a fun day by those who are responsible. So I wish for you that you are in Heaven An Hour Before The Devil Knows Your Dead.

And an Irish Wish For You.

“May there always be work for your hands to do,
May your purse always hold a coin or two,
May the sun always shine on your windowpane,
May a rainbow be certain to follow each rain,
May the hands of a friend always be near you,
May god fill your heart with gladness to cheer you.”

Some Irish Toast

*May you live as long as you want, and never want as long as you live.

*May your troubles be as few and as far apart as my Grandmothers teeth.

*May you live to be a hundred years, with one extra year to repent.

*May the roof above us never fall in, and may we friends gathered below never fall out.

*May the Lord keep you in His hand and never close His fist too tight.

*May you die in bed at ninety-five years, shot by a jealous husband(or wife).

*May the sound of happy music, And the lilt of Irish laughter, fill your heart with gladness, that stays forever after.

*May the hinges of our friendship never grow rusty.

And some Irish Drinking Toast for yea

Here's to me, and here's to you, And here's to love and laughter- I'll be true as long as you, And not one moment after.

Here's to you and yours, and to mine and ours. And if mine and ours ever come across to you and yours, I hope you and yours will do as much for mine and ours, As mine and ours have done for you and yours!

Here's to our wives and girlfriends: May they never meet!

Erin Go Braugh (sometimes Bragh) - Ireland Forever!
And
God Bless America and Long Live The South!

Dogs Trained For Serivce

It is amazing how mans best friend is so trainable and willing to learn.

Accordingly, our EMS has introduced trained service dogs to help cut costs.

Canines have been used for police work, search & rescue, tracking, service dogs, and a variety of other tasks.

Now they're assisting EMS and doing so at a much lower cost.

See the example below:

The Worlds Shortes Fairy Tale

Beautiful (sniff..sniff) simply beautiful.

The Nun's Lunch

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.

She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.

She walked up to the group and with a big smile said: "And do you of you men know Jesus Christ?"

They shook their heads and looked at each other very confused.

One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"

One of the steelworkers yelled down 'Why'

The worker yelled back,"Cos his wife's here with his lunch".

(I sure hope God and The Pope have a since of humor.)
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Redneck Monday Addendum - Fishing For Catfish

Now, here is a genuine red neck performance.

Don't get much Redneck’er than this.

Now you know why I don't fish anymore. I sobered up!!!

I used to hear that if a snapping turtle bit you he would not let go until it thunders! On of the men I use to work with had a nickname of "Boom Boom" because of that very belief. He got his hand snapped by a snapping turtle and he was trying to shake it of yelling, "BOOM, BOOM" trying to sound like thunder.

Man it's great being a redneck.

Redneck Monday - Redneck Comments

Us'en Rednecks have a way wif words. There are hunnards of'em, but I won't tell them all to ya rat now. Just a few to wet ya wissle. If'fin y'all have any quessions, just leave'em in that thar comment box and I'll get to'em shortly.

He'd bitch if you hung him with a new rope.

Don't worry too much about it. Just do all you can do and let the rough end drag.

That boy is about as sharp as a cue ball.

You couldn't hit a bull in the butt with a bass fiddle.( bad shot)

I'm bowed up like a Halloween Cat.

He's ridin' a gravy train on biscuit wheels.

Ain't no point in beatin' a dead horse...'course, can't hurt none either.

I'd love to have a dress just like that, but I don't go to many Puerto Rican proms.

Madder than a bobcat caught in a piss fire.

He's so stupid, he couldn't find his ass with both hands.

Don't let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya.

That'll go over like a pregnant pole vaulter.

Nuttier than a Squirrel turd.

I'd rather jump barefoot off a 6-foot step ladder into a 5 gallon bucket full of porcupines than...

You catch more flies with jam than you do with vinegar.

As easy as herding chickens.

Richer than 3 feet up a bull's ass (bull manure is especially good fertilizer).

Tighter than a skeeter's ass in a nose dive.

I'm so hungry, I'd eat the balls off a low flying duck!

She's wound up tighter than the girdle of a Baptist minister's wife at an all-you-can-eat pancake breakfast.

She's as useful as a tit on a boar hog.

Nuttier than a port-a-potty at a peanut festival.

You're as handy as a cow on a crutch.

You got to be 10% smarter than the equipment you're runnin'.

My sister is soooooo ugly, we had to tie a pork chop around her neck to get the dogs to play her.

She's purtier than a mess of fried catfish.

Hornier than a two pecker’ed billy goat.

Her ass was so big, it looked like two Buicks fighting for a parking place.

Busier than a cat covering up shit on a concrete floor.

Ain't no thing but a chicken wing.

Busier than a stump full of ants.

That dawg won't hunt.

It's colder than a mother-in-law's love.

You're slower than molasses on a cold day.

Pay Attention To Thomas Jefferson

HOW DID JEFFERSON KNOW? - Jefferson paid attention and heeded what history showed did not work. Today's generation chooses to "make their own mistakes" rather than learn form the past. If only we were not so arrogant.

Check out these statements from President Jefferson:

When we get piled upon one another in large cities, as in Europe, we shall become as corrupt as Europe.

The democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who would not.

It is incumbent on every generation to pay its own debts as it goes. A principle which if acted on would save one-half the wars of the world.

I predict future happiness for Americans if they can prevent the government from wasting the labors of the people under the pretense of taking care of them.

My reading of history convinces me that most bad government results from too much government.

No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms.

The strongest reason for the people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government.

The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of
patriots and tyrants.

To compel a man to subsidize with his taxes the propagation of ideas which he disbelieves and abhors is sinful and tyrannical.

Thomas Jefferson also said in 1802: 'I believe that banking institutions are more dangerous to our liberties than standing armies. If the American people ever allow private banks to control the issue of their currency, first by inflation, then by deflation, the banks and corporations that will grow up around the banks will deprive the people of all property - until their children wake-up homeless on the continent their fathers conquered.'

A Day Without Snow and Rain - Almost

Woke up this morning to sunshine. No rain, no snow, no freezing weather! Just a pretty morning. Strange feeling! But since we have the grandkids, we felt even more the urge to go out among the world and commingle. So the first trip (and no day can start without it) was to the Waffle House to fortify our bodies for the impending day.

While there we talk about all the options and decided that the zoo would be a great place to go. The Grant Park (not named after that Northern Interloper, U.S. Grant but for a railroad magnate, Lemuel P. Grant) has two major attractions; the Atlanta Zoo and the Cyclorama, a huge circular painting depicting the Battle of Atlanta.

So, in 50 degree, chilly, windy weather, off we go.

This is Judy and the kids walking into the park.


This is me and my two favorite ladies, Bug on the left and Judy.


Bug and J-Man goofing off in front of the Pink Flamingos.


There has to be someone different in every crowd - even in nature.


We visited an aviary full of parakeets. These two were actually kissing and there was the beginnings of a nest being built.

Then we saw a variety of animals, but most were kept inside. I didn’t get pictures of the monkey house, the big cat house or the reptile house, except for the black mamba. Next time!







Judy on the phone with an old colleague who is moving back to Georgia with her job, and yours truly outside the gorilla exhibit.


J-Man with one of his favorite creatures, the Orangutan.


The Atlanta Zoon is fortunate to have a collection of Panda’s from China.
We pay almost 2.5 million a year for each of them.
They also have two babies that will be (must be) shipped back to China soon.


Then there is the petting zoo.

But the highlight of the day was the Merry-Go-Round.


After the ride began moving, it was like a wild ride for me.
YIPPEEEEEE!


We then went to the Cyclorama ( no pictures - their rules).

Then finished up the day with a fun dinner at a Japanese restaurant (fire, knife tricks and all.)


Trust me, peeps, there are many more pictures to show you, but this is enough. We did dodge a few minor drizzles and was in the Cyclorama when the big rain came, but the day was just perfect. I love being with my little buddies and seeing things thought their eyes.

I now return you to you daily blog readings.

Coffey Out!
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What Tolerance Looks Like

Something I don't have.

I have a t-shirt with a vulture sitting on a cactus and the caption says, "Patience My Ass...I'm Gonna Kill Something."

How and Why The Arabs Made Our Basic Numbers

My daughter, Marni, sent this to me. Whether this is true or not, it is very interesting…

How numerals 0 - 9 got their shape:

Do you know why numbers look like they do? Someone, at some point in time, had to create their shapes and meaning. Watch this short presentation and then you will know how our Arabic numbers were originally created a very long time ago and what logic the people that created them used to determine their shapes. It is really very simple and quite creative? You have to admire the intelligence of a person that created something so simple and perfect that it has lasted for thousands and thousands of years and will probably never change? Give it a look-see.



You no doubt noticed when the presentation gets to the number "seven" that the 7 has a line through the middle of it. That was the way the Arabic 7 was originally written, and in Europe and certain other areas they still write the 7 that way. Also, in the military, they commonly write it that way.

The nine has a kind of curly tail on it that has been reduced, for the most part nowadays, to a simple curve, but the logic involved still applies.

Coo1, huh?

Husband and Wife For Real

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of “mixed emotions”.

The husband turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that’s a bunch of crap. I bet you can’t tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time.”

She said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick."

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."

After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!" Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

A wedding tragedy is when you marry for love and then find out he has no money.

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to getting their laundry done free.

Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful
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There Is A Communist Living In The White House

Again my buddy, Bob, over at Nobody’s Corner, has a great post. So I stole the damn thing. I love it when y’all do my research for me. Thanks, Bob!

Victoria is cute and funny, but this one isn’t a joke. It’s the truth (as I see it.)



Now everybody sing along...

Redneck Monday - Things A Redneck Will Not Say

40 Things You’ll Never Hear A Redneck Say

40. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrestling's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who gives a damn who won the Civil War?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin' is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C: drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
12. My fiancée, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
9. Checkmate.
8. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
6. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
5. I don't have a favorite college team.
4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
3. You All.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
1. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight.

AIDS Warning

SENIOR CITIZENS ARE THE NATION'S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!

HEARING AIDS

BAND AIDS

ROLL AIDS

WALKING AIDS

MEDICAL AIDS

GOVERNMENT AIDS

and most of all,

MONETARY AID TO THEIR KIDS
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The Spoon

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.
Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'

'Well, he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.

If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.

By tying this string to the tip of our you- know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.

I'm Having My Monthly PMS

Okay! It's my time of month again. Yes, I’m talking about my monthly PMS. That acronym stands for Pet Moving System, by the way. So I spend Thursday loading up some dogs and puppies for transport to New York. You regular readers know the drill.

Below is a picture of Dr. Amber preparing to slice and dice on some poor animal and render it sterile. Poor thing. Though I can think of a few humans that could use that procedure, she is actually helping out the animal kingdom by slowing down the breeding of unwanted animals.

Her rescue group is also on Face Book for you FB’ers out there. Go over and check her and Susan out.
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http://www.facebook.com/pages/Leftover-Pets-Inc/138051008651?v=wall#!
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3 Gutars And A Tractor

Who needs a metronome or drums? No one when some rednecks get together for a little down-home barn picking - even if the rednecks are from another country. Redneck is Redneck anywhere. Bless their hearts.

Thanks, Jim!

On The Other Hand...

On the other hand…She had warts.
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
What's a will? A dead give away.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Cops Are Good People, Too

Now don’t get the wrong idea from this picture. The victim was in a great deal of pain from his accident and the concerned and caring officer was administering a shot of knucklecyillin to calm the victim down so first-aide could be administered.

You see, I really get upset when people come down on cops, saying that they do not care.

Here is a story that shows that not all cops are in that category.

My buddy, CI Roller Dude, is a cop in Northern California and kinda related this story to me. Okay…he didn’t, but it still shows just how sensitive and caring our men and women in uniform really are.

A man’s body was found in the Bon Tempe Lake area down by the park.

They had not released the victims name because the next of kin or family had not been notified.

The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption while visiting "someone" in the area. He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, a strap-on dildo, purple lipstick, and an Obama T-shirt.

The police removed the Obama T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment. The Police do care.

Redneck Monday - Answers To Y're Questions

What do rednecks call duct tape?
Chrome.

What's the difference between a Yankee zoo and a Redneck zoo?
On the cage in a Yankee zoo, it will have the name of the animal and the scientific name in Latin. A Southern zoo will have the name of the animal and a recipe.

Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow?
She can't touch it till she's fourteen.

What's the most popular pick up line in Arkansas?
Nice tooth!

Did you hear about the new 3 million dollar Georgia State Lottery?
The winner gets 3 dollars a year for a million years.

What do a divorce in Arkansas, a tornado in Kansas and a hurricane in Florida have in common?
Somebody is fixin' to lose them a house trailer.

Why do folks from Arkansas go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more?
17 and under are not admitted.

What do you get when you have 32 Alabamans in the same room?
A full set of teeth.

Did you hear that the Governors mansion in Tenessee burned down?
Almost took out the whole trailer park.

Did ya hear about the new law was recently passed in Arkansas?
When a couple gets a divorce they're still brother and sister.

How can you tell if a redneck is married?
There is tobacco spit stains on both sides of his pickup truck.

What's the difference between Virginia and West Virginia?
In Virginia, Moosehead is a beer. In West Virginia it's a misdemeanor.

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West Virginia to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!

What do they call "Hee Haw" in Tenessee?
A documentary.

What do they call it in Kentucky?
"Life Styles of the Rich and Famous."

How many rednecks does it take to eat a 'possum?
Two. One to eat, and one to watch for cars.

Why did God invent armadillos?
So that rednecks can have 'possum on the half shell.

Have you seen Alabama’s new state quarter?
It's two dimes and a nickel taped together.

Why, in South Georgia are there signs saying “pecans ahead”?
Wouldn’t “restrooms ahead” be more appropriate?

What’s the difference between a northern girl and a southern girl?
A northern girl says you can and a southern girl says you all can.

How’s a redneck tell the difference between a bull and a cow in the dark?
He sticks his nose in the animal’s ass. If there’s a place for his tongue, it’s a cow.

Why do rednecks like the doggie position?
That way they can both watch wrestling.

What’s the difference between a good ol’ boy and a redneck?
The good ol’ boy raises livestock. The redneck gets emotionally involved.

What do you get when you have 32 Tennesseeians in the same room?
A full set of teeth.

Do you know the best bar pick-up line in Kentucky?
“Hey, you don’t sweat much for a fat broad.”

How do you know when your staying in an Georgia hotel?
When you call the front desk and say “I’ve gotta leak in my sink” and the person at the front desk says “go ahead.”

What is a Redneck’s defense in court?
“Honest your Honor, I was just helping the sheep over the fence.”