The Spoon

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.
Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'

'Well, he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.

If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.

By tying this string to the tip of our you- know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.

I'm Having My Monthly PMS

Okay! It's my time of month again. Yes, I’m talking about my monthly PMS. That acronym stands for Pet Moving System, by the way. So I spend Thursday loading up some dogs and puppies for transport to New York. You regular readers know the drill.

Below is a picture of Dr. Amber preparing to slice and dice on some poor animal and render it sterile. Poor thing. Though I can think of a few humans that could use that procedure, she is actually helping out the animal kingdom by slowing down the breeding of unwanted animals.

Her rescue group is also on Face Book for you FB’ers out there. Go over and check her and Susan out.
.
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Leftover-Pets-Inc/138051008651?v=wall#!
.
.

3 Gutars And A Tractor

Who needs a metronome or drums? No one when some rednecks get together for a little down-home barn picking - even if the rednecks are from another country. Redneck is Redneck anywhere. Bless their hearts.

Thanks, Jim!

On The Other Hand...

On the other hand…She had warts.
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
What's a will? A dead give away.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Cops Are Good People, Too

Now don’t get the wrong idea from this picture. The victim was in a great deal of pain from his accident and the concerned and caring officer was administering a shot of knucklecyillin to calm the victim down so first-aide could be administered.

You see, I really get upset when people come down on cops, saying that they do not care.

Here is a story that shows that not all cops are in that category.

My buddy, CI Roller Dude, is a cop in Northern California and kinda related this story to me. Okay…he didn’t, but it still shows just how sensitive and caring our men and women in uniform really are.

A man’s body was found in the Bon Tempe Lake area down by the park.

They had not released the victims name because the next of kin or family had not been notified.

The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption while visiting "someone" in the area. He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, a strap-on dildo, purple lipstick, and an Obama T-shirt.

The police removed the Obama T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment. The Police do care.

Redneck Monday - Answers To Y're Questions

What do rednecks call duct tape?
Chrome.

What's the difference between a Yankee zoo and a Redneck zoo?
On the cage in a Yankee zoo, it will have the name of the animal and the scientific name in Latin. A Southern zoo will have the name of the animal and a recipe.

Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow?
She can't touch it till she's fourteen.

What's the most popular pick up line in Arkansas?
Nice tooth!

Did you hear about the new 3 million dollar Georgia State Lottery?
The winner gets 3 dollars a year for a million years.

What do a divorce in Arkansas, a tornado in Kansas and a hurricane in Florida have in common?
Somebody is fixin' to lose them a house trailer.

Why do folks from Arkansas go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more?
17 and under are not admitted.

What do you get when you have 32 Alabamans in the same room?
A full set of teeth.

Did you hear that the Governors mansion in Tenessee burned down?
Almost took out the whole trailer park.

Did ya hear about the new law was recently passed in Arkansas?
When a couple gets a divorce they're still brother and sister.

How can you tell if a redneck is married?
There is tobacco spit stains on both sides of his pickup truck.

What's the difference between Virginia and West Virginia?
In Virginia, Moosehead is a beer. In West Virginia it's a misdemeanor.

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West Virginia to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!

What do they call "Hee Haw" in Tenessee?
A documentary.

What do they call it in Kentucky?
"Life Styles of the Rich and Famous."

How many rednecks does it take to eat a 'possum?
Two. One to eat, and one to watch for cars.

Why did God invent armadillos?
So that rednecks can have 'possum on the half shell.

Have you seen Alabama’s new state quarter?
It's two dimes and a nickel taped together.

Why, in South Georgia are there signs saying “pecans ahead”?
Wouldn’t “restrooms ahead” be more appropriate?

What’s the difference between a northern girl and a southern girl?
A northern girl says you can and a southern girl says you all can.

How’s a redneck tell the difference between a bull and a cow in the dark?
He sticks his nose in the animal’s ass. If there’s a place for his tongue, it’s a cow.

Why do rednecks like the doggie position?
That way they can both watch wrestling.

What’s the difference between a good ol’ boy and a redneck?
The good ol’ boy raises livestock. The redneck gets emotionally involved.

What do you get when you have 32 Tennesseeians in the same room?
A full set of teeth.

Do you know the best bar pick-up line in Kentucky?
“Hey, you don’t sweat much for a fat broad.”

How do you know when your staying in an Georgia hotel?
When you call the front desk and say “I’ve gotta leak in my sink” and the person at the front desk says “go ahead.”

What is a Redneck’s defense in court?
“Honest your Honor, I was just helping the sheep over the fence.”

To Shed or Not To Shed That Is The...What

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Be Gone All Day Doing Family Stuff - Dammit

It’s cold down here.

How cold is it?

Glad you asked. It’s colder than Hilary Clinton in a room alone with Bill.

But I am going to do one of the family things again regardless of how cold it is. Damn it! What will I be doing?

This!!!

Dr. Amber is redoing some of her animal space and she needs a shed built. So who does Judy volunteer???? Yep!

But to be honest, Judy will be with me and she is a great person to work with. I only have to yell about half as much when she is helping. Saves my throat and vocal cords, it does.

So I will be gone all day. A two hour drive to the Lowes in Athens for the shed and another hour to her place in the country. So we will be leaving around 6 a.m. and folks, that is the middle of the night for me. But a couple of Waffle House coffee’s and I’ll be good to go.

See ya later, alligator.
.
.

THE COYOTE PROBLEM

This is supposedly a true story. Don’t know; don’t care. It’s funny anyway.

The Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to a group of Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population.

It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting or trapping the predators, these two groups were offering a 'more humane' solution.

What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males would then be castrated and turned loose again. Thus the population would be controlled.

No kidding, this was actually proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Grower's Association by the Sierra Club and the U.S.F.S.

The ranchers listened to the presentation and then sat there in a sort of dumfound silence, trying to make sense of the amazing proposal they had just heard.

Finally, an old boy in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said, 'Son, I don't think you understand our problem. Those coyotes ain't fuckin' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em!'

You should have been there to hear the roar of laughter.

Let's Offend Everyone

Let's Offend Everybody!

Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat.

Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A. A different bar.

Q.. What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby?
A. Sum Ting Wong.

Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment.

Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek ?
A. Because they're not going to work in the future either..

Q. Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal along with a recipe.

Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word?
A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, 'BINGO!'

Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale???
A. A northern fairytale begins, ...'Once upon a time....'
A southern fairytale begins,.... 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit.'

Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States


Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners.

Have a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but instead will detonate any explosive device you have on you.

It would be a win-win for everyone !!!


Every once in awhile I get a CLEAN joke that I feel obligated to pass along, and this is one of them.

Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Washington DC parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of air and to see the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

He promptly called the US House of Representatives for assistance.

The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Speaker Pelosi. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Speaker Pelosi, considering herself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to first notify the next of kin."

The Birthday Gift

Two old guys (high school classmates from the class of '57)were chatting.....

Bud said to Harley:
"My 70th birthday was yesterday. The wife gave me an SUV."

Harley responded:
"Wow, that's amazing!! Imagine, an SUV!! What a great gift!"

Bud said:
"Yup!!....Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"

Ancient Architects Dicking Around

Apparently they didn't consider the sun when designing this wall.

Were they just dicking around?

Anyone want to take a guess where this wall is located?

SAINT PETER'S BASILICA!

Rules To Live By

To HEll With Murphy's Law! Here are a few rules you can get behind and believe in.
1. If Any Thing Can Go Wrong, Fix it. (To hell with Murphy’s Law)
2. When given A Choice - Take Both.
3. Multiple Projects Lead To Multiple Successes.
4. Start At The Top, Then Work Your Way Up.
5. Do It By The Book - But Be The Author.
6. When Forced To Compromise - Ask For More.
7. If You Can’t Beat Them, Join Them, Then Beat Them.
8. If It’s Worth Doing, It’s Got To Be Done Right Now.
9. If You Can’t Win, Change The Rules.
10. If You Can’t Change The Rules, Ignore Them.
11. Perfection Is Not Optional.
12. When Faced Without A Challenge, Make One.
13. “No” Simply Means Begin Again On A Higher Level.
14. Don’t Walk When You Can Run.
15. Bureaucracy Is A Challenge To Be Conquered With A Righteous Attitude, A Tolerance For Stupidity, And A Bulldozer When Necessary.
16. When In Doubt, Think.
17. Patience Is A Virtue, But Persistence To The Point Of Success Is A Blessing.
18. The Squeaky Wheel Gets Replaced.
19. The Faster You Move, The Slower Time Passes, The Longer You Live.

Stay Postitive!

Another word for plus (+) is POSITIVE.

Use it always! +

Check Out A Funny Blogger

One of my blogging buddie's blog needs to be read - or looked at. He doesn't say very much but the has the greates jokes.

Go visit Bob at Nobody's Corner.

Here are a couple of examples of his handy work:

The Invisible Man Is An Asshole


and

Kids Books


Check Him Out!!!
.
.

I Got an AWARD - I'm Beautiful, too

Can you believe it? Me being given an award…not just an award, but a Beautiful Blogger Award.

I received this award from the beautiful (yet visually impared)Val who resides oveer at Golden To Silver. She is one of my favorite reads and is a very sweet lady. (She craves my body, too. Okay! I will honor the restraining order, Val.) So jump over and look over her site, tag her as a follower, and let me know when you do because she is paying me a commission for each new follower she gets vie me. (NO! Just kidding! She’s too good to have to pay anyone to visit her.)

However, the conditions of this award are that I have to name 7 things about myself. Then I have to pass it on to 7 of my peeps that I think are fantastic. Now for the seven people I have to give an award too. I refuse to ever single out any of my peeps because if you are on my sidebar, you are worth reading and you are a favorite of mine. So I am going to do what Val did…the first seven (if I get that many readers this time) people to comment may consider yourself tagged. But I would appreciate it if you let me know if and when you accept the award.

So here are the seven things you should know about me.

1. I raced stock cars on the bull rings dirt track around North Georgia back in the 70’s
2. I have never been pregnant.
3. I have never had sex with a man.
4. If the toilet seat is down, I’ll piss in the sink.
5. If I go outside at night, I’ll piss off the deck.
6. I hate slow, courteous drivers. Move or get out of the fucking way.
7. I don’t like that aggravating music on blogs, but it is your blog so I just mute my computer. Your welcome.

Now you first seven (and any others who want it because you are all beautiful) want this, copy and past it to your side bar or award file.

And thank you all for adding so much laughter, seriousness and information to my life.

You are all truly BEAUTIFUL!
.
.

Redneck Monday II - Jay Leno and Chicken CPR

FUNNY STUFF!

Redneck Monday - Redneck Logic

REDNECK LOGIC:

Two rednecks, ‘Catfish’ Ledbetter and Bubba Brown (son of Buster), are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.

‘Catfish’ turns to Bubba and says, “You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes.”

Bubba thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day, ’Catfish’ goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.

“Logic?” says. “What 's that?”

The dean says, “I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?”


“Yeah.”

“Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard.”

“That's true , I do have a yard .”

“I'm not done,” the dean says. “Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.”

“Yep, I do have a house.”

“And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.”

“Dang! Yes, I have a family.”

“So because you have a family, then logically I believe you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.”

“Oh yes, I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater.”

Excited to take the class now, ’Catfish’ shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bubba at the bar. He tells Bubba about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

“Logic?” Bubba says, “What's that?”

‘Catfish’ says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?”

“No!”

“Then you're a queer, ain’t’cah!”

AND...

Keep Reading Below...
.
.

For My Brothers

A cowboy, who just moved to Texas from Wyoming, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, “You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.”

The cowboy replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Wyoming, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I’m drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.”

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

“Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explains, “It’s just that my wife and I joined
the Baptist church and I had to quit drinking.” He paused. “Hasn’t affected my brothers though.”


Thanks, Pax!

Weekend Humor From Miss Vicki

A little humor from my Conservative California (Yes there are some in that state) Friend and new blogger, Vicki, at Krazed Kat Woman.

Although she has been on Face Book for a while, with many friends, she is new to blogging. So head over to her place and give her some warm hugs.

Don’t tell her I sent you though. She is a decent lady and would not like it if people thought she was hanging with the likes of me.

Enjoy a weekend laugh on me and Vicki:

Two Old Lady Stories

I think we all know little old ladies like these two fictious ladies...

Two old ladies were sitting on the porch talking about their lives and what they remember. Reminiscing over the many things they did in their youth; raising families, movies and dancing and stuff.

After a pause, Nettie turned to Ruth and as, “Ahhhh, Ruth, do you remember the minuet?”

Ruth, without a pause, said, “Hell, Nettie, I don’t even remember the men I fucked.”

*****

Nettie and Ruth were sitting on the porch at the old folks home. Nettie turned to Ruth and asked "Ruth, you were married a long time, did you and your husband have mutual orgasm?"

Rush sat and rocked for a minute and said, "No, I think we had State Farm."

*****

Nettie and Ruth are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. Ruth turns to Nettie and asks, "Do you still get horny?"

Nettie replies, "Oh sure I do."

Ruth then asks, "What do you do about it?"

Nettie replies, "I suck a lifesaver."

After a few moments, Ruth ask, "Who drives you to the beach?"

*****

It was three o'clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a Ruth comes running towards her screaming. "Please come quickly!" she yelled, "I just saw a naked man outside my window!"

The receptionist immediately rushes up to Ruth's room. "Where is he?" asked the receptionist.

"He's over there," replied Ruth, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel.

The receptionist looks over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment. "It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to bed," she said reassuringly. "But how do you know he's naked, you can only see him from the waist up?"

"The dresser, honey!" screamed Ruth. "Try standing on the dresser!"

*****

An elderly couple sat through a porno movie twice. They didn't get up to leave until the theater was ready to close for the night.

"You folks must've enjoyed the show," the usher said.

"Disgusting!" said the old lady.

"It was revolting," her husband added.

"Then why did you sit through it twice?" the usher asks.

"We had to wait until you turned up the house lights," the old lady replied. "We couldn't find my panties and his teeth were in them!"