The Old Girl Is Gone and I'm Not Far Behind

She died today. The old girl, after 25 years of loyal, faithful service, first to Sweet Tea and her family and then to me as I joined her clan, gave up the ghost. She was a Sharp Carousel microwave oven, and she proudly kept us nourished as only an oven can. She will be sadly missed – until we can get to Wal Mart tonight to adopt one of her kin.

That’s not the sad thing, though. It meant that I had to get my old coffee pot out this morning and boil water. The pot looks almost exactly like the icon over on the right side, and I have had it for more years than I care to think about – or can remember. But that’s not what is sad, either.

What’s sad is that after I put the pot of water on the stove to boil, I fixed myself a cup of instant coffee (Folgers, for you detail oriented types, and it is the only coffee I have at home) by putting the coffee in the cup and turning to the sink and filling the damn thing with water and stirring it while I walked over to the microwave (which was by this time resting in celestial repose in the garage next to the garbage can.) I looked up at the EMPTY space and then at the stove, and well… I’m old, dammit. I can’t be expected to remember everything, now, can I?

I’ll be better tomorrow. But I wonder if Sweet Tea will try to make instant coffee (a metaphor, please) after I am resting in silent repose out next to the garbage can? That’s not so far fetched, folks. Our plans are that we will be cremated and our ashes mixed together with half being poured over the beach on the Gulf and the other half being poured out in the mountains somewhere.

That’s a switch for me, too. Before I met and married Sweet Tea, I wanted my ashes put in a douche bag and run through one last time. But that wouldn’t be right now. So the present plan is in place.

And since I am six years older, a heart attack survivor and have type-two diabetes, chances are pretty good that I will go first. So the ashes will have to be stored someplace. So, I figure that it will be one less thing to dust if I am on the shelf in the garage. Maybe not, but you never know.

The Doctor Says

A friend of mine sent this to me. I Love this DOCTOR!


HEALTH QUESTIONS & ANSWERS SESSION

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn! And what are these - Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine. That means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening.... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, "WOO HOO, What a Ride!"

A Little Humor - Very Little

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his forehead while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.
*****
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy gown. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing.
*****
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!' The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
*****
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'
*****
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonnay.
*****
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful! CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'

The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
*****
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked out seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

My Suprising Book

This is what my book is about. Wouldn't you know it would be a history book, since I have lived through much of it?

You're A People's History of the United States!

by Howard Zinn

After years of listening to other peoples' lies, you decided you've
had enough. Now you're out to tell it like it is, with all the gory details and nothing
left out. Instead of respecting leaders, you want to know what the common people have to
offer. But this revolution still has a long way to go, and you're not against making a
little profit while you wait. Honesty is your best policy.


Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

I can live with it, too, since I thought the most relevant comment I have ever read in a book that pertained to me was, "You ain't shit, boy."

The Movie Of The Year That I Don't Rememer

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Interview

I agreed to be interviewed by her indoors, who asked me the following five questions.

1. How and when did you meet your partner?
I met Sweet Tea in college. We were both late learners. Me because I just hate school and could only stand it for short periods at a time. ST because she dropped out of school to have her kiddies and move from NJ to CA.

After her divorce she knew she couldn’t raise her kiddies without an education so she went back to school. Three kids (one from her husband’s first marriage) and a full time menial job at a bank and she refused to give up. She started college on a math scholarship to Rutgers, changed her major to chemistry because of ass hole first husban; dropper out a year later to marry and move because he had graduated.

As for me, a friend at work and I were talking one day about me ever getting married again. It wasn’t likely because I had no desire to be married. So that night at school I was thinking about that conversation when a cute lady walked up to the teacher to give him some papers and I though to myself, “Wouldn’t it be funny if I ended up marring her?”

So, after class we were both in the student union waiting for the next class to start when we both walked up to a third student we both knew and started talking. We three, and a couple of others, became a team and met before and between classes until I got fed up with school again and dropped out. (I eventually graduated from another college, but went back and got my masters from this school. ST, Marni and I are all alumni.) But I stopped by one night to pick up some stuff from another friend and ST was there. We started talking, I ask for her number and we started dating. Five years late we were married. When I ask her to marry me, I gave her a ring and ask her to be my tax deduction. She said okay and we were married on Decembe 31st – so I could claim married with two dependents on the tax form. She has been my best tax deduction ever since.

2. What is your idea of a good night out?
A good dinner and a movie with ST. Or any night with the grandkids.

3. What are your hobbies?
Reading, NASCAR, history and the grandkids.

4. What would be your ideal/dream vacation?
An ALL EXPENSE PAID cruise around the world visiting all the historical places I have read about all my like.

5. Tell us about the worst job you have ever had.
I’ve neve had a “worst job.” There have always been good things about every place I have worked. The one that I would not like to go back to, though, is when I worked for a blow-mold injection company making plastic bottles. I had to work the third shift and I hated that.

I enjoyed knowing most of the people I worked with, though. But it was at a down time in my life, and I had lost all my self-esteem. But the best thing that ever happened to me was getting my hand caught in a machine. I was line chief and was helping one of my men who had two machines down for cleaning at one time. A wire that was under the machine had corroded through and broke causing the mold to close on my hand while I was cleaning the head, braking several bones and causing me to be out of work for three weeks.

During that time I had nothing to do but think about where I was in my life. I didn’t like where I was so I started looking around. I found an entry level job with this company and took a pay cut to take the job. Within a year I was a supervisor over twenty women (something I will never do again.) But it was from there that I got my act together, finished college and went on to meet ST and accomplish more that I ever thought I could.

But if it wasn’t for that lousy third shift job there is no telling how I would have ended up. I was on my way to being a drunk and probably being killed by a jealous husband – another byproduct of the company.

Was all the TMI for you? I can ramble on if given the chance. You can wake up now. HEY! I said you can wake up now. Go on. Get out ‘till next time.

Prayer At Work

How to tell if you need to pray at work.

When a co-worker comes in a little too happy singing “Good Morning” to everyone and you think, “Somebody needs to slap the s#@% out of her,”
…you need to pray at work.

When someone comes in and announces, “Office meeting in five minuets,” and you think, “What the f#!&% do they want now?”
…you need to pray at work.

When your computer is mysteriously turned off and you want to say, “Which one of you sons of b#@&% turned my computer off?”
…you need to pray at work.

When you and a co-worker are discussing something and a third party comes in and says, “Well, at my last office…” and you want to say, “Who the f#*@ cares?”
…you need to pray at work.

When you’re in the elevator and it stops to pick up someone who stood for five minuets waiting for the darn thing only to go DOWN one floor and you think, “That Lazy b@$*!%^.”
…you need to pray at work.

When you hear a co-worker call your name and the first thing that crosses your mind is, “What the h#^^ does she want now?”
…you need to pray at work.

When you take some vacation time and comeback to find a mountain of paper work sitting on your desk because no one else would do it, and you think, “Ya’ll Sorry A## M#&*%@ F%#^*.”
…you need to pray at work.

If you ever thought about poisoning, chocking, punching, or slapping someone that you work with,
…you need to pray at work.

If you avoid saying more than hello or how are you doing to someone because you know it’s going to lead to listing to their whole f#^*% life story,
…you need to pray at work.

If you know all the words that have been bleeped out…
You DEFINITELY need to pray at work.

And as for the government,
The government should change its national symbol from the bald eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government political stance.

A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks and gives you a sense of security while you’re actually being screwed. Damn, it just doesn’t get more accurate than that.

NOW, LET US ALL BOW OUR HEADS!

Too Hot

The grand kids are back in school, now. But we went to Florida to take advantage of the last few days for summer freedom. We were in Panama City, and man has that place changed. The three hurricanes that hit the gulf cost summer before last was a Godsend to those people. Everything was torn up and, now most everything is new and higher – both in price and height. But the ocean was great.

Personally I loved the smell of the salt air and the fairly warm ocean water. There was a storm about 10 miles off the coast that had the waves coming in pretty high and strong. There was a 10 to 15 mile per hour breeze that kept things cooled off, and it was wonderful for about 15 minuets. Then the constant pounding of the waves, the sand sliding out from under your feet and the need to lean into the waves got to be annoying. But I had to stay because Bug was holding my arm and “riding” the waves as they came by. Occasionally she would let go and dive into a big wave, come out wiping hair and water from her face and, opening her eyes and not seeing me in front of her, I would hear, “Paw Paw?” I would have stayed till midnight if she wanted too.

Sweet Tea LOVES the ocean and Bug does too. J-Man and I lean more toward the pool. He is amazing in the water. Both the kids are. But J-Man seems born to swim and dive and do tricks in the water. He’s amazing, and funny. We were sitting around the motel room that evening and something on the TV got us taking about kissing. I said it the low, sexy voice of some comedian I heard, “Come here, baby, I’m the Love Doctor and I want to play some tonsil hockey.” J-Man laughed and said in the same voice (or as close as a twelve year old can come to low) “Come here baby and let me clean your tonsils.” And started flicking his tongue around. I laughed for most of the night. Even after he went to sleep.

But, as with all good thins, it must come to an end. We came home Wednesday to a house that had a broken air-conditioned. The inside temperature, when we got home was 85 degrees. I’m glad it was almost dark. The next day I called a few repair places until I got one to agree to come that afternoon. At the same time I had a virus, bug, worm piece of shit get into my PC and I had the help desk on the phone for over four hours. So between the two, I couldn’t leave the house. When the repair man finally showed up it was 97 degrees in the house. It was 99 degrees outside (with a heat index of 105 to 110 degrees,) but there was a breeze out there. The house was just stale, hot air. After that, it so easy for me to see how there are so many deaths from the heat every year. BTW, it is not global warming. It's called SUMMER. Anyway, I was only in my shorts and sweating like a lumberjack whore on payday. I was getting nauseated and feeling ill by the time he got the damn thing working.

So, three hundred dollars later, I was able to leave the house and go to the Waffle House where I just set in a sweat soaked shirt (I put it on when the repair man showed up because I didn’t want to distract him with my awesome old man body physique) in the freezing air-conditioning. It was heaven, and I will never complain about the WH being too cold again.

Aother Meme

My sweet daughter, Marni, has tagged me to do this meme because she said I have nothing else to do. Smart ass! Doesn’t she realize that my day is as full as hers? There are between 9 and 15 television shows, lunch at the Waffle House, honey do’s at the store, a nap, overtime in the bathroom and other time consuming activates that keep me pretty busy. She’s lucky I have a spare minuet to read her site, much less do these meme’s. But in doing so, I never realized so much shit happened on my birthday.

So, onto the rules:

You go to Wikipedia and type in your birthday (month and day)

Then you write down 3 events, 2 births, 1 holiday, and tag 5 friends.

Events:
1886: Mormon prophet, John Taylor, receives a controversial revelation on plural marriages that now divides the factions of Mormonism. The Dumb Ass.

1968: The musical Hair opened in London, where it played 1,998 performances until a closure was forced by the roof’s collapsing in July 1973.

1998: Google is established.

Births
1934 – Wilford Brimley - American actor
1943 – Meat Loaf, American singer (So it says!)
Also 1944 - coffeypot

Holiday
World Tourism Day

And now to do the obligatory tag.

coffindoger - Trish - Just because.
crazy cat woman - Because she is as crazy as I am.
Heidy - Because she is always unique.
Itchy - Because she lives in Virginia.
KB - Because he needs the exercise in writing on his new blog.

Later dudes and dudets.

I'v Been Tagged

I was tagged by Cindydianne. It is difficult for me to come up with eight things that might interest you because I am so damn boring. But I was tagged, so here goes:

Each player should post these rules first. Each blogger lists 8 random facts about themselves or their habits. At the end of their list should be the people who they are tagging! Don't forget to leave them a comment telling them that you have tagged them.
Here are my 8 Things:
1. I am tall and slender (6’3’ normally 205lbs) however I have put on about 15 lbs and it all went to my gut. Now, when I lay down I look like a water hose with a bubble in it.
2. Back in the 70’s I raced a stock car on three of the local dirt track bull rings. But I maxed out on talent and ran out of money at the same time. But I am still a huge fan.
3. Due to not practicing the most rigorous and dedicated form of oral hygiene, combined with a dab of Diabetes, I now have an upper denture. It drives the grandkids crazy when I take it out and touch my nose to my chin, especially if I do it in a public place like the mall. When I do it they run away. I guess I embarrass them – which is the reason I do it.
4. I’ve had diarrhea for over a week – and I still have the extra 15 lbs. Went to the doctor and she said that I have too much bad bacteria in my lower intestine. I have to build up the good bacteria (good?!?) so I am on an Activia diet. It takes a couple of weeks for it to work, so, with any luck I’ll lose the 15 lbs without having to do anything different.
5. I love to laugh more than anything in the world. I find humor in EVERTHING – even myself. Poor Sweet Tea has no since of humor and she looks at me with a mixture of what is he laughing at and is he nuts. She laughs AT me sometimes, but that’s okay. At least she is laughing.
6. I had some polyps taken out of my nose a few years ago and I now have a difficult time smelling things when I am suppose to. If you stick a bottle under my nose and say smell, I can’t. But if you leave the bottle open for a while I will finally get a whiff. By the time I smell it, everyone else has already passed out. That’s the reason I have to be careful with silent farts.
7. I love history and visiting historical sites. Especially Old West and Civil War stuff. I believe that the men in the Civil War were the bravest men who ever fought a battle. What made men walk shoulder to shoulder onto open fields and face dreadful cannon fire for no more reason that love and loyalty to state and their fellow comrades is so beyond me. I’m not sure I could have done it. I’m a pussy, ya know.
8. I almost killed a man one time. But I changed my mind. And I sobered up. I don’t know which happened first, but I’m glad it did. Being someone named Bubba’s bitch in not one of the top activities I yearn for. But a big mouth and alcohol and carrying a gun and immaturity do not mix. It wasn’t until the next day that I fully appreciated what almost happened, and to this day I don’t carry a firearm with me or in my car. Like I said, I’m a pussy.
Now I have to tag some other eager beavers. So:
1. Coopergreen – But I can’t go to his site and leave a message because he has a fucked up system that will not let me comment for some reason. Recon it’s just me?
2. Eclectic Tales - Old Lady
3. GrizzBaby
4. Pug's Place - Lori
And anyone else who wants to participate, welcome. I would like to learn more about you.

Humans Are Not So Tough

Humans aren’t so tough. For the most part we are fat, dumb and lazy. Okay, I'm just F.D.&L. Oh, yeah, we invented computers, television, wireless telephones, tampons and vibratos. We have extended life by inventing miracle drugs and HMO’s (just kidding). But we have lost some things, too. Our ability of survive by using our sense of smell and vision, cunning, strength and instincts. Just using the things God (or nature, or The Force) gave us.

I don’t usually think about this stuff, but today I was coming back from the store and a black wasp landed on my windshield. No problem! He will blow off and go on his wasp-doing way when I drive off. NOT!

The wind coming over the windshield didn’t seem to bother him/her/it at all. As I picked up speed it just lay down on its side and let its wings flutter in the breeze. I got up to 60 mph and it just laid there. The only thing holding it to the windshield was his little bitty feet. Can you imagine the suction or the toe hold it had to have to accomplish that? When I came to a traffic light or stop sign, it would stand up, rub his back legs, and walk around the windshield until I started moving again. Then it would just lay on its side again. It stayed there until I stopped at a traffic light in front of a Burger King. I guess it had had enough fun for the day and was hungry because it just flew away.

A human couldn’t do that even though a human weighs a gazillion more pounds than that little black wasp. We would have to have a hand or foot hold, or both, to stay on the windshield at 60 mph. The wasp just stuck his foot on the glass and was happy. I thought I heard a tiny “weeeeee” as I was going down the road. Maybe not! But it made me feel that we humans are just not so tough.

Harry Potter

I finished it.

I liked it.

I don’t feel that I was left hanging.

I miss Dobby the most.

I hope J.K. starts a new series of some sort soon. Maybe a heart tugging story centered on topless mud wrestlers from Bulgaria.

Brutally Honest Personality Test

This was fun and kind of accurate - especially the ugly face part.

Your Score: Commander - ESTP

60% Extraversion, 26% Intuition, 53% Thinking, 26% Judging

It's all about action with you, isn't it? You're outgoing and right to the point. Fast moving, fast talking and often fast spending. Your motto is "Just DO it."

Wow. You move faster than the Flash on a treadmill. (Yes. I could have thought up something cleverer than that. But honestly, you're just not worth my time.)

To carry on the superhero theme, you're comparable to the Hulk. Except you're uglier. And you're slightly more intimidating. People flinch when you're around for fear you might exert your dominance and order them to do 50 press-ups.

Perhaps if you calmed down a little, people wouldn't be so scared of you. Of course, something would have to be done about your face. Is plastic surgery an option?

This insatiable appetite for action means that you're not exactly into long term commitments. You get bored incredibly quickly and tend to jump in and out of relationships like the Energiser Bunny.

Eventually you're going to run out of people to bounce to, and you will end up a very lonely and hated individual.

*****************

If you want to learn more about your personality type in a slightly less negative way, check out this.

*****************

The other personality types are as follows...

Loner - Introverted Sensing Feeling Perceiving
Pushover - Introverted Sensing Feeling Judging
Criminal - Introverted Sensing Thinking Perceiving
Borefest - Introverted Sensing Thinking Judging
Almost Perfect - Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Perceiving
Freak - Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Judging
Loser - Introverted iNtuitive Thinking Perceiving
Crackpot - Introverted iNtuitive Thinking Judging
Clown - Extraverted Sensing Feeling Perceiving
Sap - Extraverted Sensing Feeling Judging
Do Gooder - Extraverted Sensing Thinking Judging
Scumbag - Extraverted iNtuitive Feeling Perceiving
Busybody - Extraverted iNtuitive Feeling Judging
Prick - Extraverted iNtuitive Thinking Perceiving
Dictator - Extraverted iNtuitive Thinking Judging

Link: The Brutally Honest Personality Test written by UltimateMaster on OkCupid, home of the The Dating Persona Test

Do You Know Your State's Motto

Alabama: Heck Yes, We Have Electricity
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat
Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes ... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Are Real Good
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunken Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Prostitutes and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want A ##$%## Motto? I Got Yer ##$%## Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent; You Have The Right To an Attorney
North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner...
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English)
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slack-Jaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! Nerds And Slackers Overrun Us!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family... Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese
Wyoming: Where Men Are Men and The Sheep Are Scared

More Words of Wisdom

Words of wisdom! Some you have seen before, but all have a ring of truth.

1. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.

2. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

3. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

4. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

5. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the hips change places.

6. You should not confuse your career with your life.

7. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

8. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she is pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

9. There is always one more imbecile that you counted on.

10. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark and a team of educated, trained professionals built the Titanic.

11. It is easier to get forgiveness than to ask for permission.

12. Don’t worry what people think, they don’t do it very often.

13. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.

14. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

15. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy fridge.

16. A person who is nice to you but is rude to the waitress is not a nice person.

17. Its not the jeans that make your ass look fat…it’s the fat.

18. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

19. No one cares if you can’t dance. Just get up and do it.

20. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

And finally,

21. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background is that we are above average drivers

New To The Sea

I was over at Pamela’s The Dust Will Wait neighborhood and she was talking about the experiences she had going whale watching. It brought back a few memories for me, too.

A couple of years ago Marni, with hers and me with mine, went on a cruse to Nova Scotia. On the return trip we had a pod of whales follow us for about half an hour. It was neat to see them blowing and diving. But I didn’t get seasick. I did, however, get seasick the fist time I went to sea.

I had just reported aboard my ship (USS Frank E. Evans DD754) and the next week we went to sea. When I first went aboard I was in the deck force (painting and chipping, swabbing and sweeping.) When we pulled out it was windy and stormy and the ship was really rocking and rolling. I was stuck inside and couldn’t get any fresh air, orient myself to the horizon or any other trick to staying nourishly sound. So, I got sick. The problem was that the “barf bucket” was under the coffee urn. So, when you upchucked and came up for a breath you would get a whiff of the hot coffee aroma (as strong smelling and with the consistity (sp) of burnt motor oil.) So you upchuck again and again until you get the dry heaves. I had to stick my finger up my ass and crook it to keep from throwing it up, too. But the next day I was able to go out on the deck and reorient myself and I was okay after that. I survived but I did have sore ribs for a day or so. And I had to live through the ribbing from all the “old salts” for quiet a few weeks. Those “old salts” were only eighteen to twenty years old, but they had been to sea before.

A few days later I had to stand the mid-watch (midnight to four in the morning) as lookout on the top of the bridge. The next morning they call me up to the bridge and showed me the mess someone made throwing up over the side of the ship. Because I had been sick the first day out, they assumed it was me. I tried to tell them I didn’t do it, but they made me scrub down the bulkhead (wall) anyway. I believe it was a petty office that was coming of a drunk (sometimes the hard drinkers would sneak a bottle aboard and have a nip or two or twenty) and got sick, but I couldn’t say that. And they didn’t want to hear it anyway. I was the newest crew member (boot) and I had to pay my dues. So I scrubbed puke. It’s wasn’t too bad. It was dry and flakey so I came off real easy.

We were out for three weeks that time and ran through two more storms, but I didn’t get sick again. I became an ole salt. So salty that if I need salt on my food, all I had to do was rub my finger over the food and the salt would drop off. It wasn’t long after that I discovered alcohol and whore houses. Ah, the Navy experiences. Interesting way to grow up, don’t ya think?

You Know You Are Old When

You know you are getting old when you feel bad in the morning with out having any fun the night before, and going to the doctor means you have to pay someone to look at you naked.

But with age comes skills. It's call "multi tasking." I can laugh, cough, sneeze, fart and pee at the same time.

And I have my hand in a cast. I banged it up the other night on the night stand when I woke up with an erection and my hand was asleep. I was trying to wake it up. You see, Sweet Tea is in New Jersey and has been for over two weeks, so I can't afford to loose any opportunities.

Tom Rush

Tom Rush has a funny song that I can relate to so well. Just highlight this rul and copy and paste in to your web page and enjoy. I would have a direct link for you but I just do not know how to do it - or post pictures - or add links - or...


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9yN-6PbqAPM

More Rules For Understanding Men

The last post got a couple of comments that should be addressed. Nadine wanted to know if it was that simple. And Heidi said that men are so uncomplicated. Well, yes, it is that simple and yes, we are so uncomplicated. Below are a few more rules in understanding men other than all we think, want and breath is sex. Enjoy, and if you know anymore, let me know and I will add them to the list.

GUY RULES

Finally, the guys' side of the story.
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

1) Men are NOT mind readers.
2) Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
3) Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
4) Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
5) Crying is blackmail.
6) Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one! Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
7) Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
8) Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
9) A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
10) Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
11) If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
12) If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
13) You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
14) Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
15) Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
16) ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
17) If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
18) If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
19) If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
20) When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.......Really.
21) Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
22) You have enough clothes.
23) You have too many shoes.
24) I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

What The Answer Means

I told Her Indoors that I would send a list of what women and men really mean when they answer questions. Enjoy!

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry.
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble.
7. Sure, go ahead = You had better not.
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later.
9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING MEN'S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry!
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy!
3. I am tired = I am tired!
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now.
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit. = I'm gay!!!

Skidboot

Go to this goodle site and watch a very heart warming piece.
How can you not love a dog?

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=5249518974978628334&q=skidboot&hl=en

More MeMe

Skippy Mom tagged me to do this meme, so here goes:

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? Yes! John the Baptist and King David. Boy were those names misplaced.

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? The last time I saw a John Holms movie. It just ain’t fair.

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? No! After an industrial accident broke a few bones in my right hand and, with the invention of Word on the computer thus reducing my need to put pin in hand, I can’t even read most of what I write.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE LUNCH MEAT? Hamburger, hamburger and, oh yeah, hamburger!

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? Yes! One of my own, two with Sweet Tea and I wouldn’t be surprised if one or two showed up at my door one day.

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? I don’t even like me now. So, NO! Though I would try harder to be liked if I was another person. I’ll give you a dollar if you will like me.

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? Are you shitting me? I thrive on it. That’s why no one likes me. Even for a dollar.

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Yes!

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? I don’t lay awake at night burning with desire to do it, but, yes, I think I would if the opportunity availed itself. That’s why I avoid bungee jump sites as much as possible.

10. YOUR FAVOURITE CEREAL? Raisin Brand! All My Children! Deadwood! Cinnamon Swirls!

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? Yes! Well! If I am wearing loafers, only if they have that little tie thingy.

12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Physically, NO! Emotionally, YES! Smelly, SOMETIMES!

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE ICE CREAM? Just plain old Vanilla! You can add some caramel topping and some nuts if you want too, please.

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? If they are the pointing a gun at me!

15. RED OR PINK? Red!

16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVOURITE THING ABOUT YOU? Being old! Although it is infinitely better than the alternative.

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? Magnum, PI!

18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU? If they have nothing better to do, I would like to see their answers.

19. WHAT COLOUR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? Blue jean shorts and black tennis shoes.

20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? An apple!

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? The TV and the clicking of the keyboard.

22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOUR WOULD YOU BE? Blue or an earth tone shade.

23. FAVOURITE SMELLS? Women! The lake while on the boat! The grandkids after their bath! Fresh baked bread! Fart bubbles in the bathtub! A freshly opened can of coffee or bottle of whisky!

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? Sweet Tea!

25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? Yes, I do!
(No idea what happened to question 26 so I’ll make up one!)

26. What is your favorite TV show? Magnum, PI and DaVinci’s Inquest!

27. FAVOURITE SPORTS TO WATCH? NASCAR and Topless Mud Wrestling!

28. HAIR COLOUR? Gray – what’s left of it.

29. EYE COLOUR? Hazel!

30. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? Oh God NO! I can’t even take eye drops without two fat men sitting on my arms.

31. FAVOURITE FOOD? Hamburger!

32. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? Happy endings!

33. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? The Bad News Bears does Debbie in Dallas! No! Wait! That’s a fantasy of mine. It would have to be Congo with the kiddies.

34. ARE YOU SUPERSTITIOUS? Not really!

35. SUMMER OR WINTER? Summer or Winter what? They both have their place in my life.

36. HUGS OR KISSES? Hugs! Unless it is the kiddies, then BOTH.

37. FAVOURITE DESSERT? Hamburger! Oh! Sorry, that seem to be the most given answer. Dessert, huh? Apple Pie al a mode.

38. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? I don’t know. I’m not sure anyone will even read this stuff.

39. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Anyone who doesn’t read this stuff.

40. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING? I have three going at the moment. Personal Memoirs by Ulysses S. Grant; Were Were Soldiers Once…And Young by Harold G. Moore and Joseph L. Galloway; The Husband by Dean Koontz. It all depends on where I am as to what I am reading – my chair in the den, a restaurant or the commode.

41. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? Dirt and stains!

42. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT? Studio 60 on the Sun Set Strip. Sorry! I was reading and not watching much of it.

43. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE SOUND? Forty-three NASCA engines going by at full throttle or a jet engine going overhead or my grandkids laugh, or a really hot and sexy woman saying YES (I have only heard three of the four, though.)

44. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? Maybe a rolling stone rolling over a beatle. I never like either group.

45. WHAT IS THE FURTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? Japan and Hong Kong. The question ask for the “furthest” and I don’t know if you mean feet, yards or miles. I would have to say it would be something like 20’ to the 150 something power. Just use the place names. It is easier.

46. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? Nothing with the lights on.

47. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Atlanta – Crawford Long Hospital!

48. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GET BACK? Heidi, CCW, Biddie, KLee and anyone else who wants to do it.

49. ARE YOU MARRIED? Yes

50. IF MARRIED...AND YOU WERE WIDOWED WOULD YOU EVER CONSIDER REMARRIAGE? If she is a zillionaire and can suck a golf ball through a 50’ water hose, maybe. But before a woman would go out with me I would have to feed her seeing-eye dog, too. So, probably not!

Sweet Tea

I just want the world to know that I am very proud of my Sweet Tea. She has completed her MBA program and now has a master's degree. I'm not surprised, though. She is one of the smartest and wisest women I know (after all, she married me.) Besides, now she will be home more and I will have cooked meals again, laundry done, the grass cut, the cars washed, the house painted…

Nah! I’ll just have my buddy back to watch TV and do stuff with. Spend some time on the boat, more time with J-Man and Bug and just have her around. But the difference is she now holds a piece of paper that says she is officially SMART.

Book Meme

This month’s book meme was found over at It’s a Pug’s Life and other places. I think you will see what a nerd I really am.

Here’s what you do:
• Grab the nearest book.
• Open to page 161.
• Find the fifth full sentence.
• Post the sentence.

"Sir: The distribution of the forces under my command, incident to an un-expected change of commanders, and the overwhelming force under your command, compel me, notwithstanding the brilliant success of the Confederate arms yesterday, to accept the ungenerous and unchivalrous terms which you propose." From the letter sent to Gen. U.S. Grant by Brig. Gen. S.B. Buckner, C.S.A. accepting Grant’s surrender demands from the book “Personal Memoirs” by Ulysses S. Grant.

John Enters

Her Indoors had an interesting post. One of her blogging friends gave her this suggestion and I though I would do it too. Man, how can something so random be so close to my personality? It's freaky.

Here’s what you do. Go to Google and type in your name and the word “needs.” I put in John (because that in my first name. See how easy it is. I figured it out on my own, too,) and “needs.” Like this, if you are having trouble keeping up with this: John needs! Then list the first 10 things that come up under your search. The list below is for real, people.

John needs…
1. Operation after hooker bites penis.
2. Your Bone marrow.
3. To get his patootie back here.
4. My life work.
5. Help – AnimeNation AnimeForums. WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?
6. Sex, Lies and Scandals
7. More Paper
8. Needs your help please. – Now that is more true than you may think.
9. New ideas.
10. Called to service again.

Strange and interesting. Try yours and let me know what happens.

For The Love of Bug

I love my grandkids and would do anything for them, even if it means going through pain and embarrassment. Such is the case with Bug. Marni and I have been trying to get her to get her ears pierced for quiet a while. She didn’t want to because, I though, it would hurt. So, to let her know that it didn’t hurt, I said I would get my ears pierced, too, if she did it. She said no to that, too.

What I didn’t know is that she and her mother had decided to wait until after soccer season to have it done. Smart move, since there is so much sweating and dirt involved. By waiting until after the season would help keep down the possibility of infections. But did they tell me, NOOOOO.

So two of my favorite females went to the mall last week and got Bug’s ears pierced. We talked on the phone about her experience, but nothing was said about my promise. Whew! I missed the bullet. Until 10:00 p.m. when the phone rang again. I said hello and the sweet little voice on the other end said, without any hello or anything, “Another thing about my ears being pierced, you have to do yours, too.”

Damn! I told her I was surprised that she remembered since it had been a while since we had talked about it. She said that she didn’t remember. It was J-Man who reminded her – the little shit.

But I said that I was a man of my word and that I had promised, so I would do it. This is what we did last night at the mall. I got my ears pierced. I have not secretly harbored a desire to have it done. It is not anything I need to make me look good and/or sexy. I already have that in a wrinkled old man sort of way. But I promised.

I chose a 3mm titanium dull finished little doorknob looking thing. I chose that one because it is like my personality and lifestyle - dull. But I kept my word to Bug. I just hope the world doesn’t think I am trying to look young, at least until the holes heal and I can get my chain that is attached to each ear and hangs down under my chin. I can then have a place to hang my glasses and ink pins, maybe coat hangers when I am getting dressed in the morning. Or to use if I fall down and can’t get up.

But I kept my word. Next time, I will lie like a husband caught with a pair of bikini panties in his glove compartment.

New Drugs For Women

FUKITOL
Depressed? Overworked? Job Suck? Unappreciated? Family Problems? Money Worries? Well here is a pill for you. When life blows…fukitol.

DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out!

ST. MOMMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pi cku p trucks.

FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. "

BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.

ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him, without opening your mouth.

Five Easy Questions

Miss Cindydianne sent me five interview questions, not because she in crazy in love with me, but because I dared her. So, I will try to give truthful, thought provoking answers that will help you navigate the paths of your life.

1. Who is your favorite NASCAR driver and why?
That would be Michael Waltrip because he is the longest running feminine diver in NASCA history. I also like Jeff Burton and Dale Jarrett because they are a class act and a great role model.

2. Have you ever been in the Armed Services? Which Branch? What is a memorable moment from that time?
Yes! That would be the NAVY. There are so many. I remember leaning over the rail and shaking hands with a Russian sailor as their ship passed us close to port in the Formosa Straights between Taiwan and China. The two captains were having a pissing contest on who was the best skipper. Then there was the day I was on watch, sitting on the radar scope when the announcement was made that Kennedy had been shot. We were by ourselves, two days out of Yokosuka, Japan, with no more information than that, so we went to general quarters (battle stations) in case it had come from Cuba or Russia. Then there was the time, two days after shaking hands with the Russian sailor, we rounded the Southern tip of Taiwan and ran head on into a typhoon. I was only 18 and too stupid to be afraid until I saw the old salts turn white when our ship took a 45 degree roll. At 47 degrees the huge gun turrets are supposed to fall into the ocean to help us get back to level, and at 49 degrees we would have capsized. After that role you couldn’t have driven a straight pin up my ass with a sledge hammer.

3. How many children and grandchildren do you have? Will you tell us a funny story about them?
I have one child that I know of – Marni. Sweet Tea has two – Dr. Amber and Steven. From Marni I have two grandkids, J-Man and Bug. From Steven I have his girlfriend, The Mole, and from Amber I have 36 dogs and 15 cats (anyone want to adopt?).
J-Man and I were cutting up one day and I told him I will take you out. He said, “Oh, PawPaw, if you do that you will go to prison for life.” He then thought about that for a second and then said, “But that’s okay. You want be there too long.” Bug keeps me laughing all the time, but I am having a Senior Moment Brain Fart right this minuet and I can’t think a story to tell you about her. Maybe later!

4. If you could know when you were going to die, would you want to?
Death doesn’t bother me. We are all going to have to face it someday, and knowing when has it’s advantages. I don’t think I would like to know the exact time and date, because I would probably be more concerned with the actual countdown than anything else. But having a general idea would help me get things done that need to be done so that Sweet Tea and Marni won’t have to mess with it. I plan on being cremated with my ashes put into a douche bag and run through one more time. Any volunteers?

5. There’s been a rumor floating around that your appearance is similar to Bill Clinton. Is it true?
Not today. In the summer I keep my hair buzz off. But in the fall and winter I let my hair grow. I comb it back like Slick Willie’s and when I put my glasses on; I have been told that I look like him. It’s an evil right-wing conspiracy, I tell ya. I believe it is perpetrated by hate radio. I don’t, nor ever have, gotten the action he has, and I would never ruin a good cigar the way he did. I have also been told, though, that I look like John Wayne. Especially the way he looked in “She Wore A Yellow Ribbon.” But I think I look more like me than anyone else. As a matter of fact, I look more like myself everyday. It’s remarkable.

Well, I hoped your life is a little better now since you have read this. If not, there’s not a lot I can do for you.

Thanks, Cindydianne.

...ologies

I kind of tagged myself after reading this on Nancy’s Blog Pourri blog.

FOODOLOGY
Q. What is your salad dressing of choice?
A. Some times Ranch, sometimes Blue Cheese, sometime Thousand Island, sometime – well, it depends on my mood or taste craving.
Q. What is your favorite fast food restaurant?
A. Wendi’s
Q. What is your favorite sit-down restaurant?
A. I like Japanese, Mexican and Italian
Q. On average, what size tip do you leave at a restaurant?
A. One; next time don’t wait on me.
Q. What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of?
A. Cheeseburgers with mustard, ketchup, mayo, onions, tomato and lettuce. And Diet Coke!
Q. What is your favorite type of gum?
A. The upper. It holds the prettiest teeth.

TECHNOLOGY
Q. What is your wallpaper on your computer?
A. A green sloping filed with a clear blue sky – think Teletubbys.
Q. How many televisions are in your house?
A. Four!

BIOLOGY
Q. What’s your best feature?
A. My third finger on my left hand. It has the ring Sweet Tea gave me.

Q. Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
A. Polyps from my nose; kidney stones; my gallbladder; a few teeth; hope for a safe, secure America for my grandkids; a fingernail and toenail; but I have had a stent put in my heart. So the total is OUT- many, IN – one.

Q. Which of your five senses do you think is keenest?
A. Sleep! Okay, Touch!

Q. When was the last time you had a cavity?
A. If you are talking about a woman, it’s been awhile. If you are talking about teeth, now! I go in a couple of weeks to get it filled.

Q. What is the heaviest item you lifted last?
A. Either the last time I went to the bathroom or a chair I took out of the SUV after our trip to NJ last week.

Q. Have you ever been knocked unconscious?
A. Yes!

BULLSHITOLOGY
Q. If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
A. Nope!

Q. Is love for real?
A. When I think about or look at my grandkids, you betcha.

Q. If you could change your first name, what would you change it to?
A. Doctor! Or maybe Howdy! Maybe Sire!

Q. What color do you think looks best on you?
A. Blue – especially if Kelly Ripa is wearing it.

Q. Have you ever swallowed a non-food item by mistake?
A. Yep! A few hairs, a bug or two, some pennies and dimes, a few seeds from the non-food type herbs and a diamond.

Q. Have you ever saved someone’s life?
A. Yep! I changed my mind.

Q. Has someone ever saved yours?
A. Yes! Sweet Tea.

DAREOLOGY
Q. Would you walk naked for a half mile down a public street for $100,000?
A. Yes, and you could have a day to raise a crowd.

Q. Would you kiss a member of the same sex for $100?
A. Kiss them where?

Q. Would you allow one of your little fingers to be cut off for $200,000?
A. Yes, except for number three on the left.

Q. Would you never blog again for $50,000?
A. Nice try, but HELL YES!

Q. Would you pose nude in a magazine for $250,000?
A. Yes, but it would probably be in Old Geezers and Wheezers.

Q. Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1,000?
A. No!

Q. Would you, without fear of punishment, take a human life for $1,000,000?
A. There are some I would take out for free. So, yea, I would.

Q. Would you give up watching television for a year for $25,000?
A. No!

Q. Give up MySpace forever for $30,000?
A. Sure! I don’t use it now, so why not.

DUMBOLOGY
Q: What is in your left pocket?
A. My pocket knife, and a ten, a five and three ones.

Q: Is Napoleon Dynamite actually a good movie?
A. I don’t know who he is or why he would make a movie.

Q: Do you have hardwood or carpet in your house?
A. Both.

Q: Do you sit or stand in the shower?
A. Stand

Q: Could you live with roommates?
A. I have, but I don’t want to do it again (except for ST of course.)

Q: How many pairs of flip-flops do you own?
A. None!

Q: Last time you had a run-in with the cops?
A. I got a warning ticket for speeding a few weeks ago. I told him I wasn’t speeding, I was qualifying. He started to take me to jail for impersonation a comedian – honest.

Q: What do you want to be when you grow up?
A. Old and happy! Maybe a quality control inspector in a whore house.

LASTOLOGY
Q: Friend you talked to?
A. Quartermaster Chuck in Chicago.
Q: Last person you called?
A. Sweet Tea

RANDOMOLOGY
Q: First place you went this morning?
A. Bathroom!

Q: What can you not wait to do?
A. Go back to the bathroom.

Q: What’s the last movie you saw?
A. The Last Mimzi

Q: Are you a friendly person?
A. I Guess! Especially if you have money.

Dear Proctor & Gamble...

The letter below was sent to me via email. I have no understanding of the content, but some of you might - according to some of your blog posts. When you get through reading this, babe, how about getting me a beer?


Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?

As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend
Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's
Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants. This brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period."

Are you f***ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness "actual smiling, laughing happiness" is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen’s armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or
"Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep.

Always!

Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX

Being Southern

There are some great things about being Southern. For example, every Southerner loves grits. It is required, or you have to leave your family behind and move up North. Grits also has a meaning other than pure breakfast nirvana. It is also an acronym for Girls Raised In The South.

Southern Women are made different than those from other areas. For example:

Southern women appreciate their natural assets:
Clean skin.
A winning smile.
That unforgettable Southern drawl.

Southern women know their manners:
"Yes, ma'am."
"Yes, sir."
"Why, no, Billy!"

Southern women have a distinct way with fond expressions:
"Y'all come back!"
"Well, bless your heart."
"Drop by when you can."
"How's your Momma?"


Southern women know their summer weather report:
Humidity
Humidity
Humidity

Southern women know their vacation spots:
The beach
The rivuh
The crick

Southern women know the joys of June, July, and August:
Colorful hi-heel sandals
Strapless sun dresses
Iced sweet tea with mint

Southern women know everybody's first name:
Honey
Darlin'
Shugah

Southern women know the movies that speak to their hearts:
Fried Green Tomatoes
Driving Miss Daisy
Steel Magnolias
Gone With The Wind

Southern women know their religions:
Baptist
Methodist
Football

Southern women know their country breakfasts:
Red-eye or Sawmill gravy
Grits
Eggs
Country ham
Mouth-watering homemade biscuits with momma's homemade jelly and butter.

Southern women know their cities dripping with Southern charm:
Chawl'stn
S'vanah
Foat Wuth
N'awlins
Addlanna

Southern women know their elegant gentlemen:
Men in uniform.
Men in tuxedos
Rhett Butler

Southern girls know their prime real estate:
The Mall
The Country Club
The Beauty Salon

Southern girls know the 3 deadly sins:
Having bad hair and nails
Having bad manners
Cooking bad food

But being Southern isn’t only for women. No, sir! Everyone born and reared in the South is taught many things that baffle the interlopers from the North. It is things only Southerners know, such as:

Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.

Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."
Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."

Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, as in: "Going to town, be back directly."

Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.

All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.

Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!

Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.

Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.

No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.

Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines; that when we're "in line," we talk to everybody!

Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.

In the South, y'all is singular, all y'all is plural.

Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.

Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.

When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!

Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.
Contrary to whatever you Yankees have been told, "macaroni and cheese" is a vegetable. Don't ya'll know that mac & cheese goes so well with taters and gravy, you just can't have enough starch in your diet.

And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her heart" ... and go your own way.

To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southerness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning. Bless your heart!

And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff, ... bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have classes on Southernness as a second language!

And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, all y'all need a sign to hang on y'alls front porch that reads "I ain't from the South, but I got here as fast as I could."

Southern girls know men may come and go, but friends are fahevah !

Now...... Shugah, send this to someone who was raised in the South or wish they had been!

And, Shugah, if you're a Northern transplant, bless your little heart, fake it. We know you got here as fast as you could.

Thank You?

You know, I have said before that I am old and out of the loop on many things. There is a lot of stuff floating around out there that I don’t understand. But the thing that is bugging me the most – right now – is the response I get when I say, “Thank You.”

I was taught to say, “You’re Welcome.” Now, I admit that I don’t even understand what that comment means. You’re welcome to say other nice things. You’re welcome to stay? You’re welcome to do as you please? You’re welcome to leave as soon as you leave a tip? What? But I have used it all my life. And I have heard other people use it as well.

But for the last year or so, when I say thank you to someone, I get the reply, “No Problem.” Why? I didn’t ask you if you were having difficulty in serving me. I didn’t ask you to go out of you way to hold the door open (but I thank you for doing it.) I said nothing about a problem or the difficulty you had in doing what ever it is, or was, you were doing. So why say it?

Are they teaching this in etiquette class in school? If they are, why didn’t someone email or blog me about it? I need to know this stuff so that I want choke on my food or look at someone like they are a dilbert asshole who doesn’t understand the meaning of the comment.

I can change. If it is a correct replacement for “Thank You,” then I will live with it. But if I am right, however, and “Thank You” is the proper reply, should I tell the ignorant person the proper response; give him/her a “Jap Slap” across his lips; or jump up and grab him/her by the collar and shake him/her while hollering, “Say THANK YOU, dumb ass?”

I’m too old to be worrying about stuff like this. I need to know so I can be cool and hip, too.

The Wisdom of Larry The Cable Guy

The J-Man and my favorite comedian is Larry the Cable Guy. Below are some of his sayings and most of them actually make sense.

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death - twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the heck happened?"

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Maxine Maxims

I love trivia and wise maxims. And some of the best maxims are from Maxine, a very wise lady (lady??!!?.) Here is a list of Maxineisms that someone sent to me and I though you might enjoy them, too. Wouldn’t you love to say some of these to someone?

1. Wipe your mouth, there’s still a tiny bit of bullshit around your lips.
2. Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable… like a coma?
3. Never go to bed angry. Stay up and plot your revenge.
4. Don’t believe everything you think.
5. Well aren’t you just the most adorable black hole of need?
6. Shhh…that’s the sound of nobody caring what you think.
7. Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?
8. I don’t know what your problem is, but I bet it’s hard to pronounce.
9. Don’t make me use UPPERCASE!
10. If you have something to say, raise your hand…and place it over your mouth.
11. You’re not yourself today…I noticed the improvement immediately!
12. Would you like some cheese to go with that whine?
13. Don’t let your mind wander…it’s too small to be let out on its own.
14. I hear you changed your mind at last…what did you do with the diaper?
15. Life is too short to dance with ugly men!
16. I’m going south for the winter…actually…some parts of me are headed there already.
17. If a man’s home is his castle…HE can learn to clean it!
18. As long as there are TESTS there will be PRAYER in public schools!
19. If there is a tourist season, how come we can’t shoot them?
20. Everyone seems normal…until you get to know them.
21. If you woke up breathing…congratulations! You have another chance.
22. My sex life isn’t dead…but the buzzards are circling.
23. My bra is more of a cross-your-waist.
24. Good friends are like stars…you don’t always see them, but you always know they are there.

I have to go, now. The dogs and I need to go outside and mark our territory.

Annual Neologism Contest

I am always amazed at how smart, funny, intelligent and original normal (and some not-so-normal) people can be. Examples are shown below.

Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words.

The winners are:
1. Coffee (N.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (V.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (V.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (Adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (Adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (V.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (N.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (N.), emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (N.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (N.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (N.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (N), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (N.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (N), the belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (N.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
*****************************************************

The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners:

1. Bozone (N.): The substance surrounding a stupid person that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Foreploy (V): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of making whoopee.
3. Cashtration (N.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (N): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm (N): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
6. Inoculatte (V): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis (N): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (N): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
9. Karmageddon (N): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes, and it's like, a serious bummer.
10. Decafalon (N.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
11 Glibido (V): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (N): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic fit (N.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
14. Beelzebug (N.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (N.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
16. Ignoranus (N): A person who's both stupid and a...... well, you get it........

150 Things To Put You To Sleep

I found this at Marni’s It’s A Pugs Life. Things in bold are things I've done. For the life of me I can’t imagine why anyone would won’t to know my answers to these, but let me know if you want me to explain any of them.

01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula (In my hand, on my arm and under my foot.)
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said “I love you” and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea (US Navy, ya know)
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise (US Navy, ya know)
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg(besides my first wife?)
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby’s diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can (especially when no one listens to me)
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment (just a moment, though)
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was drunk
42. Had amazing friends (Still do)
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched wild whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan (US Navy, ya know)
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your CDs
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Played touch football
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater (After I got married, we went there and, did you know they have movies there?)
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight (I can’t even spell D&D, much less play it.)
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie (I’m always being ask if I’m Jon Holmes, but no, it’s not me.)
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days (does speed count as food?)
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest (I went to a nudist Halloween party as a tri-pod one time, but I lost the contest because I kept tipping over.)
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice (Wouldn’t it be a hoot to give the gondola driver – what ever they are called – a hit of speed and then go water skiing behind him?)
80. Gotten a tattoo (Just liver spots.)
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on television news programs as an “expert”
83. Got flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Kissed on the first date
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship
94. Spoken more than one language fluently
95. Performed in Rocky Horror
96. Raised children/currently raising child
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived (Does birth count?)
105. Wrote articles for a large publication
106. Lost 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Touched a stingray
110. Broken someone’s heart
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a T.V. game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had major surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
131. Parasailed
132. Touched a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes (I live in the South!)
134. Read The Iliad - and the Odyssey
135. Selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
137. Skipped all your school reunions
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language (Have you ever ordered food in a real Mexican restaurant?)
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146. Dyed your hair
147. Been a DJ
148. Shaved your head (Navy boot camp, ya know)
149. Caused a car accident
150. Saved someone’s life

MAXINE's Answer

The old comic character, Maxine, has an answer for everything. For example she said:

Everyone concentrates on the problems we’re having in this country lately; illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, wild animals attacking humans in Florida. Not me. I concentrate on solutions to problems. The result is a win-win-win situation:

Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border.
Use the dirt to raise the levies in New Orleans.
Put the Florida alligators in the moat.

Any other problem you would like for her to solve today?

The Past 100 Years

My dad was born in 1903, the same year the Wright brothers flew their first plane off of Kill Devil Hill. He jouned the Army at 15 years old to fight in The Great War, but the war ended while he was in boot camp.

My mother was born in 1906 and she would have been 100 years old this year. One hundred years! What a difference a century makes. I found this bit of information and it sort of boggles the mind. It is some of the U.S. statistics for the year 1906:

The average life expectancy in the U.S. was 47 years.

Only 14% of the homes in the U.S. had a bathtub.

Only 8% of the homes had a telephone.

A three-minuet call from Denver to New York City cost $11.00.

There were only 8,000 cars in the U.S., and only 144 miles of paved roads. The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.

Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California.

With a mere 1.4 million people, California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union.

The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.

The average wage in the U.S. was 22 cents per hour.

The average U.S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year. A competent accountant could expect to earn $2,000 per year, a dentist, $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.

More than 95% of all births in the U.S. took place at home.

Ninety percent of all U.S. doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION. Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press AND the government as “substandard.”

Sugar cost four cents a pound.

Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.

Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.

Most women only washed their hair once a month and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.

Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from entering into their country for any reason.

The five leading causes of death in the U.S. were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke

The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii, and Alaska hadn’t been admitted to the Union yet.

The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was only 30 people.

Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and ice tea hadn’t been invented yet.

There was no Mother’s Day or Father’s Day.

Two out of every ten U.S. Adults couldn’t read or write. Only 6% of all Americans had graduated from high school.

Marijuana, heroin and morphine were all available over the counter at the local corner drugstore. Back then pharmacist said, “Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health.” Shocking? DUH!

Eighteen percent of households in the U.S. had at least one full-time servant or domestic help.

There were about 230 reported murders in the ENTIRE U.S.A.!

Try to imagine what it may be like for our grandkids and great-grandkids in the next 100 years.