I Told You So

I copied this from Sargent Charlie.

 

The sad thing is the Democrats do not realize this. I believe that most Democrats love their country and want a better world. We all do. But the world of Big Government and Government controlled programs, higher taxes and loss of individual and business freedoms will not make it happen. We need to take back the control and give it to the people. The ONLY ones who prosper are the ones in charge in a Socialist (Liberal) society.

I looked this up in Snopes and the validity of the comment is under investigation.

Service Announcement

It is my duty to pass this along to you men out there.
You're Welcome!

Till The Last Shots Fired by Trace Atkins

I cannot add anything to this. It speaks for itself.

Frogmen Are Smart Sailors

 

I was watching an old Navy movie today and there was a scene where these frogmen were on a rubber boat all geared up. They were rechecking their gear, listening to last minute instructions from their leader and waiting on the command to enter the sea. The command was given and each of them fell backwards into the water.

I though about this for a long time. Why did they all fall backward into the sea? Then it dawned on me, if the had fallen forward they would have all fallen to the bottom of the boat.

Smart, these frogmen.

Memorial Day 2009

 

 

 

It’s not about the parades, folks. It’s not about the picnics and the watermelons and all the speeches.

It’s about the men and women lying in hallowed ground all over the world, laid to rest from the Revolutionary War to today. It is because of these people that we are able to have the parades and picnics and speeches without fear of reprisals. They gave their all and deserve to be remembered.

So enjoy your Memorial Day and the festivities, but keep it in the back of your mind what it is really all about.

Lest We Forget

Tuesday Humor (Of Sorts)

 

Here are some well worn jokes for your Tuesday. Old but good enought to be passed around again.

A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors.

He also invited Leroy, the only Redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ while flirting with all the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, “I have a 10 foot man-eating gator in my pool and I’ll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.”

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash. Everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!

Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! He was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell.

Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish.

Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, ‘Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.”

“No, that’s okay. I don’t want it,” said Leroy.

The rich man said, “Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks, then?”

“No thanks, I don’t want it,” answered Leroy.

The host said, “Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?”

Again Leroy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, ‘Well, Leroy, then what do you want?”

Leroy said, “I want the name of the Sumbitch who pushed me in the
Pool.”
***

Saudi Arabia held its first beauty pageant over the weekend and already they’re embroiled in their own scandal.

Topless photos of Miss Saudi Arabia have surfaced.

You can see her entire forehead.
***

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere , parks his bike and walks inside.

As he passes thru the swingin’ doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00

HAMBURGER: $2.25

CHEESEBURGER: $2.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH: $3.50

HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole’ biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.

She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.

“Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, “May I help you?”

The ole biker leans over the bar, “I was wondering young lady,” he whispers, “are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?”

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs “Why yes! Yes, I sure am.”

The ole’ biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, “Well, wash your hands real good, ‘cause I want a cheeseburger.”
***

When a lonely frog consults a fortune-teller, he's told not to worry. "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl," she says, "and she will want to know everything about you."

"That's great!" says the excited frog. "When will I meet her?"

"Next semester," says the psychic, "in biology class."
***

And Finally, A Different Ways Of Looking At Things:

A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did my intelligence come from?"

The father replied, "Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine."
---------------------------------------------------------
"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court Judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."

"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
---------------------------------------------------------
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."

"Me neither doc," said the husband, "but she's a great cook and really good with the kids."
-----------------------------------
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
-----------------------------------
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
-----------------------------------
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"

The agent replies, "Just a minute."

"Thank you," the blonde says and hangs up.
-----------------------------------
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" asked one detective.

"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.

"A golf gun! What is a golf gun?"

"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan." (Okay, I hear the moaning)
-----------------------------------
Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."

Joe: "Really?"

Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell."
-----------------------------------
A man is recovering from surgery when the surgical nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.

"I'm OK but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery," he answered.

"What did he say?" asked the nurse.

"Oops!"
-----------------------------------
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.

"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"

"Better get a bikini," he replied "You'd never get it all in one."

He's still in intensive care.
-----------------------------------
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.

The little old man looked at the preacher and calmly said, "Well, she's there."

Have a great Tuesday (and the rest of the week.)

The Accident

To my darling husband,

Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway.

Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me. I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.

The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your beloved Ferrari.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me.

You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.

I am enclosing a picture for you. I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife.
XXX

 

P.S. Your girlfriend called.

From my Ausie buddy, Scarlet, thanks!

Armed Forces Day

 

I will be leaving for another dog transport on Thursday and I will not be back until late Saturday, so I want to take this time to remind you that Saturday, May 16th, is Armed Forces Day.

The day was created by President Harry S. Truman in 1949, as a result of the consolidation of the military services into the Department of Defense. The resolution was intended to have one day each year to celebrate those past and present in the service of their country and to replace the separate Army (June 14, 1775), Navy (Oct 13, 1775), Air Force (Sept 18, 1947), Marine Corps (Nov 10, 1775), and Coast Guard (Aug 4, 1790) Days. However, observance of these days continues within each of the particular services.

So in honor of this day, if you see a veteran, women give him some, men buy him a beer or coke or a cup of coffee or give him/her a slap on the back. Or just tell him/her thanks. You know which one I prefer.

The First Celebrity To Go

The First Celebrity To Die Of The Swine Flu

 

And we all know who the carrier is.
Brought to you by my friend, Cindy.

**UPDATE
You know, I’ve been wondering what form of Swine Flu Kermit contacted. Miss Piggy is so much bigger than him and he is so small; I was wondering if he succumbed from some form of Swine Spelunking. Maybe he died from Swine Phew.

Wabbits

 

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp between two missing teeth, “Excuse me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?”

As the shopkeeper’s heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he’s on her level and asks, “Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbt, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?”

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a tiny quiet voice, “I don’t think my python weally gives a thit.”

The Navy Invented Sex

 

The Navy Invented Sex

A Marine and a sailor were sitting in a bar one day arguing over which was the superior service.

After a swig of beer the Marine says, 'Well, we had Iwo Jima.'

Arching his eyebrows, the sailor replies, 'We had the Battle of Midway.

'Not entirely true', responded the Marine. 'Some of those pilots were Marines, in fact, Henderson Field on Guadalcanal was named after a Marine pilot killed at the Battle of Midway.'

The sailor responds, 'Point taken.'

The Marine then says, 'We Marines were born at Tunn Tavern!'

The sailor, nodding agreement, says, 'But we had John Paul Jones.'

The argument continued until the sailor comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says...... 'The Navy invented sex!'

The Marine replies, 'That is true, but it was the Marines who introduced it to women.'

Okay! Stop laughing! That cannot be true because when it came to sex the Marines never advnaced past their right hand.

Go Marines and Mike

These Marine bumper stickers* are for Mike, America's 1st Sargent, who is over in the Sand Pit doing what is right.

 

Stay strong, 1st Sgt.
*Click on it to bigger size it - for those of you who are blind like me.

Bumper Stickers

How about a few bumper stickers today?

 

Flu Origins

 

How the Swine Flu really got started!

First 100 Days

 

Form the bloger site of Sergeant Charlie:

25 ways “Our Dear Leader” disappointed me in the first 100 days…….

1. When his classless supporters booed President Bush on Inauguration day.

2. When he was a NO SHOW at the Medal of Honor Ball.

3. Order to close GITMO with no plan for the Terrorist held there.

4. Federal money for abortions overseas.

5. Money for ACORN in the stimulis bill.

6. His arrogance when republicans attempted to modify spending bill (I WON).

7. Insisting on the appointment of a “TAX CHEAT” to head up IRS.

8. It seems that all of his appointees cheat on their taxes, how can this be?

9. Taking the control of the census to the Whitehouse so he can control the numbers.

10. What the hell is an “Overseas contingency operation”?

11. Continues to blame Bush, for all his problems, note I said his problems.

12. Refuses to use the term Terrorist for people who want to kill Americans.

13. Nationalized the automobile industry.

14. About to Nationalize Health Care with no debate. (gutless wonder)

15. Give the Prime Minister of England gift of DVD’s.

16. Give the Queen an IPod with his speeches loaded on it.

17. His push of Cap and Trade, it will amount the the destruction of American business.

18. Personal attach on a private citizen, Rush Limbaugh.

19. His demonstrated lack of ability to give a speech without teleprompter.

20. International Apology tour, he has his wife’s lack of pride in America.

21. Snuggling up with South American Dictators and bowing down to a Muslim King.

22. His threat to prosecute Bush advisors for doing their job. This is what his friends in South America do with their opposition.

23. Release of TOP SECRET memos for our enemies to read.

24. Release of photos that will cost the lives of our military personnel.

25. His use of the term “I Inherited”, can he not just be a leader, remember Harry Truman, “the buck stops here” with this guy the buck stops on George Bush.

Pirate Cap

 

I want on of these!

GO NAVY!

Even More Quotes

Okay, it's Sunday but I expect you to know these quotes for a test on Monday. Yeah, I know. I don't do test anymore, either. I even have a hard time doing a urine test. But there are some good ones, so enjoy.

If you live long enough, the venerability factor creeps in; first, you get accused of things you never did, and later, credited for virtues you never had.
- I. F. Stone

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.
- Saki

The English have no respect for their language, and will not teach their children to speak it.
- George Bernard Shaw

History is more or less bunk.
- Henry Ford

The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced.
- Frank Zappa

If a man is offered a fact which goes against his instincts, he will scrutinize it closely, and unless the evidence is overwhelming, he will refuse to believe it. If, on the other hand, he is offered something which affords a reason for acting in accordance to his instincts, he will accept it even on the slightest evidence. The origin of myths is explained in this way.
- Bertrand Russell

Progress isn't made by early risers. It's made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something.
- Robert Heinlein

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, does absolute powerlessness make you pure?
- Harry Shearer

It was on my fifth birthday that Papa put his hand on my shoulder and said, 'Remember, my son, if you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of your arm.'
- Sam Levenson

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.
- George Burns

When everyone is against you, it means that you are absolutely wrong-- or absolutely right.
- Albert Guinon

It is always easier to believe than to deny. Our minds are naturally affirmative.
- John Burroughs

I think that one possible definition of our modern culture is that it is one in which nine-tenths of our intellectuals can't read any poetry.
- Randall Jarrell

The pursuit of happiness is a most ridiculous phrase; if you pursue happiness you'll never find it.
- C. P. Snow

Study without desire spoils the memory, and it retains nothing that it takes in.
- Leonardo da Vinci

By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.
- Mark Twain

Nothing is really work unless you would rather be doing something else.
- James M. Barrie

Thomas Jefferson once said, 'We should never judge a president by his age, only by his works.' And ever since he told me that, I stopped worrying.
- Ronald Reagan

If you look good and dress well, you don't need a purpose in life.
- Robert Pante

It is a very sad thing that nowadays there is so little useless information.
- Oscar Wilde

Bo's First Walk

 

In his own mind.

Where's a shark when you need one?

Yahoo! Great Job

 

You guys are doing awesome in your voting for Dr. Amber, Susan and Leftover Pets.

At the beginning of the week they were 176th in the State and over 2,800 in the Nation.

As of this morning LOP was 14th in the State and 548 in the Nation. This includes many major agencies who advertise on television and radio and the press.

This is awesome considering they are a two lady operation (with volunteers helping by fostering some of the animals). They are also a registered non-profit organization for those of you who do wish to donate. But this is not a request for money, just your vote. Keep up the good work and keep voting everyday.

Go to:

http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com/clickToGive/ve/3/1906397/johnjudyc@att.net

Then go to the right side and click on ‘click here’ button. Then click on the purple button (Click Here To Give – It’s Free) to give free food and then look for the red "Vote Now!" at the top of the page. After you vote, scroll down toward the bottom and put in Leftover Pets in Braselton, GA. You can vote once each day through July 26th.

Please support Leftover Pets in this contest. You can vote for us once daily. If we win any money, it will go to save the lives of dogs and cats in kill shelters. Thanks for your support! Feel free to pass along to your contacts as well. The more votes, the better our chances to win.

This little operation saves at least 20 dogs and puppies every month. In May I will be going to New York twice (the 7th and the 14th) to deliver almost 50 dogs and puppies. You guys will help make this happen and it will not cost you any money, just a few minuets of your time.

Thanks, PEEPS!

You bloggers on my email list will be getting this through the email, too. Not beacuse I don't turst you, but it may make those of you who are not as computer save like me an easier way to point and clik.

My High School Reunion

 

Judy and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

Judy asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yep!,' I sniffed, poking my chest out, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.....

Dolphins 1 - Pirates 0

 

I found this on The Daily Telegraph (link below) and it goes along with the post below this one.

http://www.news.com.au/dailytelegraph/story/0,22049,25337683-5006003,00.html

April 15, 2009

THOUSANDS of dolphins blocked the suspected Somali pirate ships when they were trying to attack Chinese merchant ships passing the Gulf of Aden.

China Radio International reported the Chinese merchant ships escorted by a China's fleet sailed on the Gulf of Aden when they met some suspected pirate ships. Thousands of dolphins suddenly leaped out of water between pirates and merchants when the pirate ships headed for the China's.

The suspected pirates ships stopped and then turned away. The pirates could only lament their littleness befor the vast number of dolphins. The spectacular scene continued for a while.

China initiated its three-ship escort task force on Dec. 26 last year after the United Nations Security Council called on countries to patrol gulf and waters off Somalia, one of the world's busiest marine routes, where surging piracy endangered intercontinental shipping.

China's first fleet has escorted 206 vessels, including 29 foreign merchant vessels, and successfully rescued three foreign merchant ships from pirate attacks.

About 20 percent of Chinese merchant ships passing through the waters off Somalia were attacked by pirates from January to November in 2008, before the task force was deployed.

A total of seven ships, either owned by China or carrying Chinese cargo and crew, were hijacked.

Tianyu No. 8, a Chinese fishing vessel with 16 Chinese and eight foreign sailors aboard, was captured by Somali pirates on Nov. 14 and released in early February.

The second fleet of Chinese escort ships arrived at the Gulf of Aden on Monday to replace the first fleet.

Go Navy

 

Banner hung in Annapolis, MD

Dr. Amber Needs Your Help

 

Okay, folks, here is another chance to help my stepdaughter, Dr. Amber, and her animal rescue and low cost spay and neuter business. It will not cost you one red (or copper) cent. All you have to do is click where needed.

First of all go here:
http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com/clickToGive/ve/3/1906397/johnjudyc@att.net

Then go to the right side and click on the ‘click here’ button. Then click on the purple button (Click Here To Give – It’s Free) to give free food and then look for the red "Vote Now!" at the top of the page. After you vote, scroll down toward the bottom and put in Leftover Pets in Braselton, GA. You can vote once each day through July 26th.

Please support Leftover Pets in this contest. You can vote for us once daily. If we win any money, it will go to save the lives of dogs and cats in kill shelters. Thanks for your support! Feel free to pass along to your contacts as well. The more votes, the better our chances to win.

You can also go here, http://www.gainesvilletimes.com/news/archive/15858/, to see Dr. Amber and read an article posted last year in the Gainesville Times. Amber and Susan are dedicated to saving as many dogs and cats as possible plus ‘fixin’ as many animals that time allows – thus my monthly or twice monthly runs to New York and other places.

John for
Leftover Pets
P.S. Send an e-card to help.

10 Plastic Bag Usages

 

Learning time again, my favorite peeps. Some you are offered paper or plastic at the checkout counter, and some of you can only get plastic. That’s okay! Just use the plastic bags in some of your daily activities. Listed below are 10 usages for your consideration.

I can’t imagine America’s 1st Sergeant, Sgt. Mike of Castra Praetoria fame on my blog roll, drooling over this stuff, especially since plastic bags aren’t in common use in Iraq. But even he and his men could get their hands on some they could be used to keep ammo dry, Playboys in operating order and cigars and cigarettes fresh. But I don’t suggest they be used a prophylactics – no matter how big your…eh…ego is. Anyway, maybe some of these will help you home-bound types with some minor problems.

As Knee Pads: Need to kneel in your garden to pull weeds, or on the street to change a tire, but don't want to preserve the memory eternally on your pant legs? Grab a couple of plastic bags and tie one around each knee, covering the area that will be exposed to dirt and grime.

As Hand Protectors: There are some things you'd just as soon not touch with your bare hands. Use bags as gloves to handle what's messy (say, chicken carcasses) or just plain gross (like the little "presents" the dog leaves in the front yard), then turn them inside out to trap the offending matter within for easy disposal.

As Paintbrush Preservers: You're painting the kitchen when an emergency (kid's sick at school; Brad Pitt is Ellen's special guest) calls you off the job. To keep brushes and rollers from drying out, place them in bags and tie them or wrap them with rubber bands to keep out air. The tools will stay moist and protected for a day or so.

As Makeshift Rain Hats: A 30 percent chance of rain… hmm. Do you tote around an umbrella (maybe for nothing) or head out sans protection (and risk getting drenched)? Third option: Tuck a plastic bag into your pocket or purse. Then, if you're caught in a downpour, you can use it as an on-the-spot rain hat to protect your do.

As Kitchen-Cleanup Aids: For no-fuss cleanup, instead of peeling fruits and vegetables over a cutting board or into the sink, do it over a plastic bag. When you're done, flip the peelings into the garbage and rinse the bag to reuse another day, or simply toss the whole shebang into the trash.

As Wrapping Paper: No time to make an emergency pre-party run for wrapping paper? Riffle through your bags to find the prettiest and most colorful or just ones without writing. Triple-bag the gift, then tie all three sets of handles into a knot. Cut the tops of the loops and fan out the pieces to make a plume.

As Wet Umbrella Holders: To avoid dripping water all over your (or anyone else's) house on a rainy day, pop your wet umbrella into a bag as you cross the threshold. You can even tie the handles snugly and throw it back into your purse - unless, of course, your bumbershoot is of Mary Poppins proportions but your carpetbag isn't.

As Shoe Protectors: It will never be a fashion trend, but tying bags over your shoes can keep you from tracking mud into the house when you come in, or protect slippers from dirt, snow, or rain when you run out to fetch the paper from the front lawn. (Be careful when walking on smooth surfaces, as the plastic won't give you any traction.)

As Cookbook Protectors: To keep the cookbook clean while attempting that "easy to follow" seven-layer-cake recipe, wrap a bag around everything but the page you're using. Although it won't keep you from (inevitably) spattering the list of ingredients with vanilla extract, the rest of the book, at least, will remain pristine.

As Planter Fillers: Crumple bags to fill the bottom of a large pot that's too deep for your plant (but be sure not to cover the drainage hole, if it has one). You can cut down on the amount of potting soil needed, and since plastic packs less heft than dirt, you'll be able to move a big planter around with a bit less grunting.

You're Welcom!

Mark Gungor - Men's Brain Women's Brain

This was sent to me by my friend, Stacie.

It is hilarious and true.

Enjoy!
You're Welcome!

Health Alert

 

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK).

If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!!

This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If you feel like doing some work, sit down and wait...the feeling will eventually go away. However, if you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

You're welcome!

HOLLYWOOD SQUARES

 

If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring tears to your eyes.

This has been around before, but it is still funny.

These great questions and answers are from when the 'Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, and a little daring in their day, not like they are in today’s television shows.

I miss this show and thought is one of the funniest and most entreating of all the game shows.

Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course...

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

WE DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD, WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING!

More Quotes For Your Educational Pleasure

For most men life is a search for the proper manila envelope in which to get themselves filed.
- Clifton Fadiman

Education... has produced a vast population able to read but unable to distinguish what is worth reading.
- G. M. Trevelyan

Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is.
- P. J. O'Rourke

The future is here. It's just not widely distributed yet.
- William Gibson

The denunciation of the young is a necessary part of the hygiene of older people, and greatly assists in the circulation of their blood.
- Logan Pearsall Smith

Here's a tip to avoid death by celebrity: First off, get a life. They can't touch you if you're out doing something interesting.
- Kent Nichols and Douglas Sarine

The world only goes round by misunderstanding.
- Charles Baudelaire

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
- Emo Phillips

Silence propagates itself, and the longer talk has been suspended, the more difficult it is to find anything to say.
- Samuel Johnson

The most erroneous stories are those we think we know best - and therefore never scrutinize or question.
- Stephen Jay Gould

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.
- J. Paul Getty

Remember, Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, but backwards and in high heels.
- Bob Thaves

Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.
- Robert Orben

The keenest sorrow is to recognize ourselves as the sole cause of all our adversities.
- Sophocles

I finally figured out the only reason to be alive is to enjoy it.
- Rita Mae Brown

The difference between a democracy and a dictatorship is that in a democracy you vote first and take orders later; in a dictatorship you don't have to waste your time voting.
- Charles Bukowski

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.
- Erica Jong

The only way to make a man trustworthy is to trust him.
- Henry Stimson

There are 10^11 stars in the galaxy. That used to be a huge number. But it's only a hundred billion. It's less than the national deficit! We used to call them astronomical numbers. Now we should call them economical numbers.
- Richard Feynman

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.
- Johnny Carson

You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic.
- Doris Egan

Ability will never catch up with the demand for it.
- Malcolm Forbes

All human beings should try to learn before they die what they are running from, and to, and why.
- James Thurber

Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward.
- Kurt Vonnegut

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
- Joan Rivers

Personally I'm always ready to learn, although I do not always like being taught.
- Sir Winston Churchill

If there were no God, there would be no Atheists.
- G. K. Chesterton

She was a woman who, between courses, could be graceful with her elbows on the table.
- Henry James

Any fool can make a rule, and any fool will mind it.
- Henry David Thoreau

I love quotations because it is a joy to find thoughts one might have, beautifully expressed with much authority by someone recognized wiser than oneself.
- Marlene Dietrich

The people I distrust most are those who want to improve our lives but have only one course of action.
- Frank Herbert

Some things have to be believed to be seen.
- Ralph Hodgson

Different Presidents, Different Corps

We The People

I borrowed (stole) this from my bogging friend, No Body, and I invite you to steal it from me to post on your blogs so that your followers can pass it on to their followers. Send it to your email friends, too. It needs to be heard.

Please pass it along.

OUTLAND

 

Click On It To BIGGER SIZE It!

Thouching

You know I don't go for this mushy shit but even by my standards, this is a bit touching. I want all of my friends to feel what I felt when I read it. Hope it touches your heart like it did mine.

 

A little boy says to his mother, "Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?"

His mother replied, "Don't even go there! From what I can remember about that party, you’re lucky you don't bark!

But I Should Have Stayed AT Home

After my last post and the events of the next two days, in retrospect, I should have stayed at home.

When we first arrived in NJ, I discovered that my camera was broken. When we hit NY I went to a Radio Shack close to the pier and bough a camera.

The kiddies and I were going to go to Gettysburg that Friday morning, but it was raining, windy and cold, and it was a three and a half hour drive one way, and the whole tour is outside. So we decided to drive down to Camden, NJ, and visit the aquarium and the USS New Jersey, the battleship on display there. It was misting when we got there, and I had a slightly irritating sore throat. I left my cap in the car, senior moment again, and it was too far away to go back for it. So I had a damp head.

I took four pictures of the kids outside the aquarium with my new camera before it broke. Son-of-bitch! Across the rive, in Philadelphia, from the aquarium and the New Jersey was another naval museum of a four-master schooner and a Spanish-American War battle ship (like the USS Main.) I couldn’t get a picture of those, either. Dammit!

So we toured the aquarium and the kids like it. For me, once you have seen a fish…well…they look the same as they do in the Tennessee Aquarium and the Georgia Aquarium, the Gatlinburg Aquarium and the all the other aquariums I have ever been too, so I just let them enjoy themselves and fumed about the camera.

I really wished beyond reason that I had the camera when we boarded the USS New Jersey. As I walked across the brow, there was a volunteer in a Navy chief’s uniform. I saluted the American Flag on the fantail and then saluted him and ask permission to come aboard. He saluted back we talked for about twenty minutes, as he was an old Tin Can Sailor, too. His partner OOD was a retired Chief who served on the tin can, USS Sumner. It was enjoyable standing there in the mist with my throat getting sorer.

We toured the Jersey and I was impressed with the size. You could put three WWII destroyers on her deck. The New Jersey was the biggest battleship ever built and is as big as a WWII carrier with a hundred times more fire power. We got to tour the huge 16” gun turrets and I got to show J-Man the inside of a 5” gun turret like the one I was a part of when I first reported aboard my ship and our first sea cruise. Unfortunately we couldn’t tour CIC (Combat Information Center – the radar room where I worked on my ship) because it was on a deck that hadn’t been reworked for visitors. And we couldn’t tour the engine compartments, either. But it was a cool tour anyways.

The wind picked up and the rain got a little harder, so we left and drove back to Murray Hill in a monsoon. Along the way, the kids were napping and missed the best scene of the day. This car with two men and one woman was driving in front of me. As they passed semi’s, the car would slow down and the woman would lean out of the car waist high and pump her arm up and down. If the trucker blew his air horn she would lift her shit and give him a boob shot. J-Man was pissed that I didn’t wake him up when I told him about it. He has hormones now, yah know.

By then I was feeling achy and could hardly swallow. God, I was having fun. I also found a Radio Shack close to the motel and took the camera back. They give me some static over not taking the camera back because there is a slip of paper in the camera packet that says not to return the camera to the store, but to contact a Kodak service center. I told them no fucking way. The camera was just over 24 hours old and they would replace it. They called the manager who said not to worry. He replaced the camera and apologized for having purchased a faulty piece of equipment. That didn’t help with the lost shots I missed during the day, but I now have a camera that works.

I had planned on going to Gettysburg on Saturday. But with the rain and wind and my throat cancer, Judy and I decided that the 14 hour drive might be too much for me and the kids to sit though in one day so we should leave that afternoon. We packed up early and left Saturday afternoon, after having lunch with Judy. The kids weren’t happy about it because the REALY love their Me Maw. But it was better to break the drive up into two legs. So we drove down to Winchester, VA, and found a motel with an indoor pool. I set on the side and read my book while they had a good soaking. Then we went to dinner, where I could hardly eat because it hurt to swallow.

We got up early Sunday morning and hit the road. Those mountains of Virginia and North Carolina really had the wind up. Several times the car would sway, but the kids were asleep and didn’t notice. I sucked on throat lozenges all the way home, and we arrived at their house around 7:00 p.m. They were really glad to see their mom and dad and the animals. I was even more glad to get home and climb into my bed.

I’m a little better today. My throat doesn’t hurt but I can only talk with a rasp with no volume.

Pictures later, and jokes after that, peeps. My throat is so messed up that I can hardly speak with any volume, so I might make this post with a bigger font so you can hear me. What? Oh!

Later!

I Ain't Home

I'm in New Jersey with the grandkids visiting Judy who is here for 3 weeks.

My ass is dragging, too. First of all, on Wednesday J-Man had to go to Greensboro to The Shiners’ Hospital to see when he would get the screws out of his legs. So Bug stayed with me on Wednesday night. Our plans were to go to bed early and get up at 4:00 A.M. to drive to Greensboro to meet J-Man and Marni. But I was having trouble with my laptop and was on the phone with Ahab the Arab until 1:30 A.M.

Bug, who stayed up with me because she loves me (or was afraid to go upstairs by herself,) and I tried to go to sleep, but we were too keyed up. So we decided to just go to the Waffle House for breakfast and then take off.

We got there in time for J-Man's 7:15 appointment. I slept for about an hour, until he was ready to go. We hit the road around 9:00 A.M. Somewhere in North Carolina I pulled into a rest stop and slept for thirty minuets. Then we drove on into Berkley Heights, NJ and arrived around 9:00 P.M.

The kiddies and I got up this morning, rode the train into Hoboken and took a ferry into New York. From there we took a subway to Central Park. We had a carriage ride around the park, went to the zoo, and had their picture made with Bolto.

We started back, and, being a newbie to NY, I ask for the directions to the A Train back Pier 11. I got the directions, got on the subway and headed the wrong way. I was almost in Queens before I found out. I talked to the subway gurus who told me how to get back to the docks.

At the docks, the retarded lady in the glass cage told us to go to slip E to board the boat to Hoboken. We did and ended up in Jersey City, NJ. They let us ride back to NY and get on the Hoboken ferry. We did make the train without any problems, but we were bushed.

I estimate that we walked over 10 miles today. People, I ain't no 10 mile a day type person. I'm more of a chair to refrigerator or bathroom type person.

So I am going to catch up on some blog reading and turn in. Tomorrow the plan to drive over to Gettysburg and tour the battlefield. Don’t know what we will do after that, but I have to have them back home by Sunday night, so I plan on doing some sleeping before we start back.

I’ll post some pictures later.

Goodnight!