Words Of Wisdom From My Main Man, Will

Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest sage this country has ever known. His sayings, muses and comments are too many to post here, so enjoy the following selections:

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading; the few who learn by observation and the rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral:

When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

ABOUT GROWING OLDER...

1. Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

2. The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

3. Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

4. When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

5. You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

6. I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

7. One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

8. One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

9. Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

10. Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.

11. If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.

Greetings From Another Place

I’m sitting here on a bed in my boxers (steady girls) at the Tavelodge in Winchester, VA. This is my first post away from home on my new laptop. I took Mary Taitt’s advice and picked up one so I could still blog when I am transporting the dogs for Dr. Amber.

I left home at 6:00 PM yesterday and drove the 60 miles to Jefferson, GA (home of Jefferson Speedway and Road Atlanta) to pick up the little dudes and dudetts. This time I had 4 poodle puppies, two terrier puppies and 6 adult and 10 mixed breed puppies. Small load this time.

But I have driven 1,533 miles since leaving home. I have about 450 more miles left to go to tomorrow. But there is a full moon and going over the mountains at the Yadkin Gap in North Carolina and Virginia makes for some pretty viewing.

But, needless to say, I am tired, so BYE!

Career Options

After my retirement I became board sitting around the house, so I started looking into a career change.
I considered going into the medical profession.

 

Then I considered working for the Government as a spin master.

 

I even considered being a chef.

 

I settled, instead for being a Blogger. The pay isn’t that good, but the harassment I receive is worth it.

General Stuff

This is RWA doing his 'Door Checking' at the bar.

 

This is me as a kid.

 

I've Found Inner Peace

My Blogging Firend, Tookie Tail, posted this and I though I would share it with my peeps, too. But read quietly because I didn't tell her I was steeling it and she might hear you if you read out loud. Shuuuuu!

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we all could use more calm in our lives.

I have finally found inner peace.

A friend proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a chocolets.

Yu haf no idr who fkin gud I fel. Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee AR in ned ov inr piss.

Cake Time

I saw this and it made me think of my new blog buddy, Moooooo35.

 

Would you like a cake like this for your birthday?

Tuesday Humor

My brother, Sister Stephen, e-mailed these to me and I just know you want to see them. Especially if you fly often.

Airline Announcements:
* United Flight Attendant announced, 'People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!

* On landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have. '

* 'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane'

* An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying our airline.' He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.

She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?'

'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?'

The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?'

* As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: 'Whoa, big fella, WHOA!'

* After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, 'Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell everything has shifted after a landing like that.'

* Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: 'We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.'

* Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!'

* 'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.'

* 'As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses......except for that gentleman over there.'

* Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City. The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, 'That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt.'

* After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.'

* Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: 'We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways.'

* Heard on a Southwest Airline flight - 'Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.'

* A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom. 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!' Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'

A passenger in Coach yelled, 'That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!'

A Little Sunday Humor

EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH

 

This is the level of dedication we expect from all staff - keep up the good work!!!

Overheard in a Socialized Medicine Hospital
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph’s Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?"

The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."

After a few minutes t he operator returned to the phone and said, "Oh, I have good news, her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday."

The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me anything"
*****
Why It's Important To Understand English
I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.

Short line! Just one lady in front of me… an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated.

She asked the teller, 'Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?'

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, ‘Fluctuations’.

The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people, too'.

Sounds From the Stall

Amy, over at Mish Mash, posted about a bathroom conversation she had with a little lady and it reminded me of this bathroom prank seen on the Graham Norton show. Sharon Gless and Tyne Daily of Cagney and Lacey fame used a microphone to talk to each other. The speakers were in two stalls in the ladies room. This is hilarious.

Be real careful of what you hear in a bathroom because you might be on candid camera.

National Health Care Doctor

Model sues surgeon for obvious reasons.

 

The surgeon was quoted as exclaiming...
'Looked right to me'.

I wonder if he performs circumcisions, too.

Good Ole Mountain Advice

ADVICE FROM AN OLD TENNESSEE MOUNTAIN MAN
But it works in other States, too.

 

*Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
*Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.
*Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
*A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
*Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
*Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
*Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
*Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
*It doesn’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.
*You cannot unsay a cruel or unkind word.
*Every path has a few puddles.
*When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
*The best sermons are lived, not preached.
*Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
*Don't judge folks by their relatives.
*Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
*Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
*Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
*Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
*If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
*Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
*The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.
*Always drink upstream from the herd.
*Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
*Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
*If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
*The bottom line is 'Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest up to God.'

The Wrong Man

 

My fellow Americans:

As your future President I want to thank my supporters, for your mindless support of me, despite my complete lack of any legislative achievement, my pastor's relations with Louis Farrakhan and Libyan dictator Moamar Quadafi, or my blatantly leftist voting record while I present myself as some sort of bi-partisan agent of change. Not to mention that if I were not black I wouldn't be here in the first place.

I also like how my supporters claim my youthful drug use and criminal behavior somehow qualifies me for the Presidency after 8 years of claiming Bush's youthful drinking disqualifies him. Your hypocrisy is a beacon of hope shining over a sea of political posing.

I would also like to thank the Kennedy's for coming out in support of me. There's a lot of glamour behind the Kennedy name, even though JFK started the Vietnam War, his brother Robert illegally wiretapped Martin Luther King, Jr. and Teddy killed a female employee with whom he was having an extra marital affair and who was pregnant with his child. And I'm not going anywhere near the cousins, both literally and figuratively.

And I'd like to thank Oprah Winfrey for her support. Her love of meaningless empty platitudes will be the force that propels me to the White House.

Americans should vote for me, not because of my lack of experience or achievement, but because I make people feel good. Voting for me causes some white folk to feel relieved of their imagined, racist guilt.

I say things that sound meaningful, but don't really mean anything because Americans are tired of things having meaning. If things have meaning,then that means you have to think about them.

Americans are tired of thinking. It's time to shut down the brain, and open up the heart. So when you go to vote in the fall election, remember don't think, just do. And do it for me.

Thank You.

Barack Hussein Obama, Jr.

Jim Is Down But Not Out

One of my blogging buddies, Jim Latchford, is having open heart bypass surgery today. If you have a minuet, how about sending up a prayer or good vibes or what ever your preference is, to help him through the day and the next few weeks as he recovers. He's a good dude and deserves the moral assistance.

Tell Me Guys - What Color Is Her Hair

 

 

Love may be blind, but you won't need glasses to see this bride.

Chaplin - My Main Man

CHAPLIN

 

This is my main man, Chaplin (Chappie) who thinks he is a dog. Here he is in his tuxedo with the big button on his shirt. Doesn’t he look dashing with his little mustache? That’s how he got his name; because he looks like Charlie Chaplin. But he is a gentleman, too. Nutless, but gentlemanly just the same.

He greets me when I come in the door and walks with me through the house looking back over his shoulder ‘talking’ the whole time. He will keep on talking as long as you talk back to him. It’s easier if you give him yes and no questions, though.

He lies on my chest when I am reclined in my chair and licks my chin. When he wants to be rubbed between the ears or under the chin, he will bump his head against my chin. He comes into the bathroom when I get out of the shower talking to me as if to say, “It’s about time, dude. You know I am going to lick the water off your feet and ankles, don’t ya?”

He greets everyone who comes in the house and questions everything they do – until they pet him.


This is one of his favorite resting places.

 

At night, not matter what time I go to bed, he jumps up and goes to my left side, lies down and puts his front paws and head on my left arm. Later, if I stay on my back, he will climb on my chest and lay there looking like the Sphinx and stares at me.

He will also climb on by arm and shoulder when I roll over on my side. As soon as I go to sleep, he will jump down and crawl under the bed for the night.

If I get up during the night, he is right there with me.

We are just two old men hanging together.

Watch For Bears

 

The Law Of...

Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

Law of Gravity - Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Law of Variation - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.

Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theater - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrives last.

Law of Starbucks - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Law of Doctors Visits - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

Fat Boy From The Man Show

I love this kid. I want to be just like him when I grow up.

AND

The Language Of Sex

In a small town, an elderly couple had been dating each other for a long time. At the urging of their friends, they decided it was finally time for marriage.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.

"Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say ... I would like it infrequently."

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and casually asked ....

"Is that one word or two?"

Ah, The Navy Life

As many of you know, e.craig, brother dave and I were in the Navy. I was a radarman, I don’t remember what e.craig did, but brother dave was a pecker-checker (corpsman – medic – medical personal.) We all served on board a Navy destroyer – me the USS Frank E. Evans (DD754) and e.craig on board the USS The Sullivans (DD 537.) So they will appreciate this little description of Navy life as compared to civilian life sent to me by one of my old Navy shipmates (Quartermaster Chuck.) The only exception I have to this little ditty is the mention in number 12 of curtains. Only submarines and the new fangled Aircraft Carriers have curtains over their racks.

If you were once a US Navy sailor, you will no doubt relate. If you weren't, now perhaps you will understand what the life was like.

How to Simulate Being a Sailor

1. Buy a steel dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it for six months.

2. Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.

3. Repaint your entire house every month.

4. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of the bathtub and move the shower head to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down.

5. Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.

6. Once a week, blow compressed air up your chimney, making sure the wind carries the soot onto your neighbor's house. Ignore his complaints.

7. Once a month, take all major appliances apart and then reassemble them.

8. Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back door so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through them.

9. Disassemble and inspect your lawn mower every week.

10. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water heater temperature up to 200 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the water heater off. On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family
they use too much water during the week, so no bathing will be allowed.

11. Raise your bed to within 6" of the ceiling, so you can't turn over without getting out and then getting back in.

12. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say "Sorry, wrong rack."

13. Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house - dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.

14. Have your neighbor come over each day at 0500, blow a whistle so loud Helen Keller could hear it, and shout "Reveille, reveille, reveille, all hands heave out and trice up."

15. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 0600 while she reads it to you.

16. Submit a request chit to your father-in-law requesting permission to leave your house before 1500.

17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway three times a day , whether it needs it or not.

18. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering it to you.

19. Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, and then show a different one.

20. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone shouting that your home is under attack and ordering them to their battle stations. (Now general quarters, general quarters, all hands man your battle stations.)

21. Make your family menu a week ahead of time without consulting the pantry or refrigerator.

22. Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs.

23. Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly. Spread icing real thick to level it off.

24. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread. (midrats)

25. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night. At the alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to button your top shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run out into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose.

26. Every week or so, throw your cat or dog in the pool and shout "Man overboard port side!" Rate your family members on how fast they respond.

27. Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stand in front of the stove, and speak into the paper cup "Stove manned and
ready." After an hour or so, speak into the cup again "Stove secured." Roll up the headphones and paper cup and stow them in a shoebox.

28. Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4 hour intervals. This is best done when the weather is worst. January is a good time.

29. When there is a thunderstorm in your area, get a wobbly rocking chair, sit in it and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous. Make sure to have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket.

30. For former engineers: bring your lawn mower into the living room, and run it all day long.

31. Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds per pot, and allow the pot to simmer for 5 hours before drinking.

32. Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep shears.

33. Sew the back pockets of your jeans on the front.

34. Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them that at the end of the 6th week you are going to take them to Disney World for "liberty. At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to Disney World has been canceled because they need to get ready for an inspection, and it will be another week before they can leave the house.

35. Have your wife get you up at 0330 one cold morning, stand you on your front porch with 2 Coke bottles tied around your neck while she throws cold water in your face for 4 hours, and then ask you if you want to ship over.

Beer For The Boys - uh Girls

 

It also makes my legs spread and Rosanne Barr look beautiful.

Damn The Olympics

This is just too good to pass up. What kind of discipline does it take to do this stuff? And the two guys holding the pole, they use their legs to help with the weight, but…damn.

The New and The Old

THE NEW


THE OLD
A self-important college freshman attending a recent football game took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.

"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one", the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. "The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, and man walking on the moon. Our space probes have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, ships and electric and hydrogen cars, cell phones, computers with light-speed processing...and more."

After a brief silence, the senior citizen responded, "You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young.........so, we invented them! Now, you arrogant little s#@t, what are you doing for the next generation?"

The applause was amazing.......

**********
I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange and blue.

The old man kept staring at him.

The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter, old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and fucked a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

**********
A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.

She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was; after listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room. Then the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room.

"What's the hell's wrong with you?" he demanded. "This woman is 63 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?!!"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?

Waffle House Wedding

Y'all go to my side bar and find my niece's site (Cup of Coffey) and see the pictures of the wedding (not her's)at the Waffle House. It made me so proud.

No Time For Campaignin'

This is too cute not to post!

I love JibJab.com but there are just too many videos to post.

To Know Me Is To Love Me! I'll Pay You Anything!

Two new post today. I'm feeling generous and it's suck-ass Tuesday,too. So enjoy both - if you can.

Here are some rare and unknown facts about me that you might like to know. Or not! My friend, Chuck, sent this to me in an email and I am including him on my return email list because he keeps sending me shit like this and I never respond. So let his email file fill up for a change. If you choose to fill this out for yourself let me know so I can read your stuff, too. If you choose to me more serious, that is good, too. But why?

1. What is your occupation? I occupy my easy-chair
2. What color are your socks right now? White – I’m Southern ya know
3. Where's the question? I think just before the answer
4. What was the last thing that you ate? Bacon, cheese burger and hash browns
5. Can you drive a stick shift? No, but I can drive a manual transmission vehicle. We haven’t used sticks in years.
6. Last person you spoke to on the phone? Carl.
7. Do you like the person who sent this to you? Well, I wouldn’t sleep with him, but yeah, I do.
8. How old are you today? Same age as I was yesterday and tomorrow - 63
9. What is your favorite sport to watch? NASCAR and Nude Mud Wrestling
10. What is your favorite drink? Sweet Iced Tea
11. Have you ever dyed your hair? No! Didn’t have too! It dyed itself from dark brown to gray.
12. Last time you hugged your child? Don’t know. Couple of weeks, maybe
13. Favorite food? Cheeseburgers
14. Last movie you watched? North by Northwest on TV last night
15. Favorite day of the year? Any that I can enjoy
16 How do you vent anger? I scream and yell and stomp my feet. Then I look around to make sure no one saw me.
17 Your favorite toy as a child? My guns and gun belts! I would modify the scabbards for fast draw so I could get the drop on Jessie James and Bill the Kid – desperados all. Oh, yea! A few Indians, too!
18. What is your favorite season? They all have their good points.
19. Ocean or pool? Air-condition den!
20. Cherries or Blueberries? Plums
21. Do you want your friends to e-mail you back? If I had any I would like to hear from them.
22. Who is the most likely to respond? To what?
23. Who is least likely to respond? Those who don’t
24. Living arrangements? It is agreed that I can go on living as long as I obey Sweet Tea.
26. What is on the floor of your closet? Carpet
27. Who is the friend you have had the longest that you are sending this? I don’t send shit like this to friends. So if you are reading this, sorry.
28. What did you do last night? Slept
29. Where would you most like to go? To the bathroom without a since of urgency
30. What inspires you? Our men and women in uniform – and I don’t mean Sonics servers
31. What are you most afraid of? Obama being elected
32. Plain, cheese or spicy hamburgers?
33. Favorite dog breed? Any that doesn’t bark, shit and piss in the floor and eats Democrats
34. Favorite day of the week? Payday
35. How many states have you lived in? Three: Confusion, Denial and Depression

Georgia Farmers Can't Be Beat

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Georgia. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Georgia. We settle small disagreements like this; with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"

The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

Husband Of The Year

Looks like me and Sweet Tea!

The Amish Are Cool

An Amish farmer, walking through his field, notices a man kneeling down and drinking from his farm pond.

The Amish farmer shouts: "Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen." (Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows have
crapped in it.")

The kneeling man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand you. I speak Arabic and English. If you can't speak in the sacred
tongue of Islam, speak in English."

The Amish farmer says: "Use two hands, you'll get more."

The Importance of Taking Care of Yourself

Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 89 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.. Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell he is.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound! Apparently you have to go there.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, she looks good doesn't she.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years ... just getting over the hill.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
You could run this over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave; I look just fine.

PARENT JOB DESCRIPTION

POSITION:
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop

JOB DESCRIPTION:
Long term, team players needed, for challenging, permanent work in an often chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.

Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities!

Travel expenses not reimbursed.

Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES:
The rest of your life.
Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5.

Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.

Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.

Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.

Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.

Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.

Must be a willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next.

Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.

Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.

Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:
None.
Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:
None required unfortunately.

On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
Get this! You pay them, offering frequent raises and bonuses.

A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent.

When you die, you give them whatever is left.

The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS:
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love, and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.

AND A FOOTNOTE - THERE IS NO RETIREMENT -- EVER!!!

IOWA the Great

This is another email I received and to be honest, the poor people in Iowa make me very proud of my country. These are the can-do people that band together and face tough problems with solutions. They are what make our country great. And, although I cannot imagine how hard it is for them, I find them very encouraging...even though they are not getting the same media coverage, I don't think it bothers them...they have more important things to attend to right now. They are the true backbone of our country, and I wish I could go and work right beside them.

Northern Approaches [John Derbyshire]
A reader from the Wolverine State wonders:
Where are all of the Hollywood celebrities holding telethons asking for help in restoring Iowa and helping the folks affected by the floods?

Where is all the media asking the tough questions about why the federal government hasn't solved the problem? Asking where the FEMA trucks (and trailers) are?

Why isn't the Federal Government relocating Iowa people to free hotels in Chicago?

When will Spike Lee say that the Federal Government blew up the levees that failed in Des Moines?

Where are Sean Penn and the Dixie Chicks?

Where are all the looters stealing high-end tennis shoes and big screen television sets?

When will we hear Governor Chet Culver say that he wants to rebuild a "vanilla" Iowa, because that's the way God wants it?

Where is the hysterical 24/7 media coverage complete with reports of cannibalism?

Where are the people declaring that George Bush hates white, rural people?

How come in 2 weeks, you will never hear about the Iowa flooding ever again?

Kids Games

Three third graders from Tennessee (an Irish kid, an Italian kid and a Redneck kid) are on the play ground at recess.

The Irish kid suggests that they play a new game. 'Let's see who has the largest pecker,’ he says. They all agree.

The Italian kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.

‘That’s nothing,' says the Irish kid. He whips his out and proudly shows that his is at least an inch longer.

Not to be outdone, the Redneck kid whips his out. It is by far not only the biggest, but the fattest.

That night, eating dinner at home, the Redneck kid's mother asks him what he did at school today.

'Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book and then, during recess, my friends and I played a new game called 'Let's see who has the largest pecker.'

'What kind of game is that, honey?' asks the mother.

'Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our peckers and I had the biggest! The other kids say it's because I'm a Redneck. Is that true, Mom?'

Mom replies, 'No, Honey. It's because you're twenty-one.’

The Importance of Taking Care of Yourself

Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 89 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.. Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell he is.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound! Apparently you have to go there.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, she looks good doesn't she.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years ... just getting over the hill.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
You could run this over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.

Country & Western Titles

I love my Country and Western music. I really like the older songs and some of the titles like, “Thank God and Greyhound You're Gone.” Below is a list of song titles sent to me by email and I thought you would enjoy them, too.

COUNTRY & WESTERN SONGS

10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine

9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With a Few

8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'

6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win

5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here

4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him

3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger

2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer

And the Number One Country & Western song is...

1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day

LEXOPHILES

FOR LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS)

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

A will is a dead giveaway.

A backward poet writes inverse.

A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in linoleum blown apart.

He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

A calendar's days are numbered.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.

How To Kill A Moment

A man was laying in bed with his new girlfriend.

After having great sex, she spent the next hour just stroking his penis, something she seemed to love to do.

Enjoying it, he turned and asked her, 'Why do you love doing that?'

She replied, 'Because I really miss mine.'

Guts or Balls

We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next, fatty."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the out come - since both ultimately result in hospitalization.

What's Your Color?

This will be a long post, but it will be a fun one - I hope. First of all, I will be going to Greensboro for J-Man's surgery and will be there all next week without a computer. I might stroke out, but being with him is just too important for me to worry about a blog.

So, for the fun! Choose your favorite color from RED, YELLOW, PINK, PURPLE, BLACK, GREEN, ORANGE, BROWN, GRAY, BLUE, or WHITE. Don't cheat now. Just pick your favorite color first and then look at the definitions below to find out about your sexuality. Also, leave me a comment to let me know what your color is, too. Mine is BLUE. Enjoy and I'll check in next weekend.

The clothes you wear, your home furnishings and the car you drive all give clues to your sexual personality. The key is the colors you select for your possessions. Most people claim they haven't a favorite color. But look around you, and you'll notice a pattern, especially in your clothing and home decor. The predominant color for you is the one that appears most frequently -- it's the one that mirrors the sexual you. A panel of psychologists, speaking at the 1975 Home Interior Design Forum, explained the association between color and sexual patterns.

RED: People who like red tend to be tigers in the sack. They are easily aroused and enjoy sex in every way imaginable. Once the sexual spark is ignited, it may take hours to extinguish. When two reds get together, the ensuing erotica could make Lady Chatterley blush. Lovers of red tend to be aggressors and weaker colors should be aware.

YELLOW: If you tend to favor yellow, your sexual drives are complex and turn toward the adaptable. In most cases the person will consent to the stronger partner's desires in a passive manner. You will never enjoy sex to the fullest, but you will never turn down an invitation from somebody you enjoy or admire.

PINK: Persons who like pink show a reluctance to mature in sexual matters: women tend to tease, to promise more than they intend to deliver. In some cases they flaunt their femininity -- but because they secretly hate men. A great percentage of prostitutes boast entire wardrobes in pink. Men who like pink are the philanderers and flirts. They are the type who will make three dates for the same evening and not keep one, preferring to pick up a dish in some bar instead. Women whose husbands like pink should keep a secret nest egg.

PURPLE: Lovers of purple frequently consider themselves to be too sophisticated for a fun romp in the sack. Women sometimes are the types who hate to mess their hair. Men are business-like in their approach to lovemaking. In both sexes purple partners are more concerned with their fulfillment than anyone else's gratification.

BLACK: Black color preferences point to black sex (not necessarily meaning black partners). These people are the misfits of the sex world and seek out each other in kinship. They tend to prefer perverted sex and are usually masochistic or sadistic in nature. They are moody people and often perform at their peak when under stress or during unhappy times. Police psychiatrists claim that sex offenders prefer the color black. And it is no coincidence that the uniform of mobsters and teenage gangs is black attire.

GREEN: Those who prefer green are fresh and innocent in their approach to sex. Women who love green will always make love like virgins all their life. And a man may always be a trifle clumsy and awkward but in a charming and endearing sort of way. Green lovers are gentle, but not passionate. If chosen as a mate, one will never need worry about infidelity.

ORANGE: Lovers of the color orange lean toward sexual fantasies. The sex act is regarded as a dramatic one-act play in which they are the star. Foreplay is as important as the act of love. They whisper sweet nothings, meaningless dialogue; they feel it is their image. Orange people often do not experience orgasm -- but they put on a darn good act. Men tend to pull their partner's hair and women leave red welts on the sex partner's back.

BROWN: If you love brown, you're a real treasure for the right mate. Brown lovers tend to be warm and deep, sensitive to the needs and desires of their partners. Sex is a 24 hour a day thing. Where you can't say "I love you" often enough. Snuggling by the fire, walking in the rain or catching snowflakes on their tongue is a turn-on to a lover of brown. They need lots of time and privacy to make love. But their emotions are such that one harsh word could end the affair.

GRAY: The color gray is preferred by people who are indecisive. They can't get excited about anything -- including color -- so they choose a noncommittal shade. Men who prefer gray look at sex as a way of relieving tension -- but nothing more, nothing less. It's wham, bam, thank you ma'am. Women don't make love, they have intercourse. And for one of two reasons only: to accommodate their mate, or to become pregnant. They count the cracks in the bedroom plaster until the sex act is over with and done. But when teamed with another color, the gray spouse considers the other's infidelity a blessing. When a gray marries another gray, the marriage is made in heaven.

BLUE: Lovers of blue are wonderful sex partners. They are affectionate and sensitive to their partner's needs. They consider love making a fine art and their approach is elegant. Men who love blue are like concert pianists, delicately ravaging their partner like they would play a baby grand. Women in the blue category enjoy sex to the fullest. They are exciting partners but their passion may be compared to a tidal wave rather than fiery aggression. Both women and men enjoy foreplay and the aftermath of lovemaking, as much as the sex acts itself. In marriage a blue person is a wonderful mate -- never seeking outside interests.

WHITE: If a person is infatuated with white, sex often seems filthy. These people are puritanical in nature. French kissing is obscene and to make love in the daylight is unheard of. Women who love white will undress beneath the covers. Men will shower before and after the sex act. These people still use pet names for their genitals.

Update On My Sister

I want to thank you all for your well wishes and prayers for my sister. I don’t usually boar you with stuff going on in my life because it is mainly just that – boring. But Mary is a different subject. She is thirteen years older than me and is more of a mother to me than my mother was. She has also been a diabetic for over 50 years and her little body is just getting tired.

She has been through many scary times in the past few years and many have counted her out. The doctors have called the family in just to be told that she has rallied back. She has had an eight bi-pass surgery, many diabetic comas and kidney problems, but she keeps coming back. That little lady is a fighter and I am proud of her and her courage. But she is my sister and she has the Coffey since of humor, too. For example, I notice that her urine bag was missing from its usual place at the foot of her bed. It could have been moved to the other side so I ask her if they had taken the catheter out. She said she didn’t know. So I said, “You didn’t feel or hear a slurping sound and a pop?” She chuckled and looked up at me and said with her little weak voice, “No! I guess its dead. I miss all the good things lying here.”

We almost lost her though. She woke up during the night, want to potty and climed out of the bed without calling a nurse. There was a portable potty next to her bed, and she was sitting on it. She strained so hard that her blood pressure dropped and she passed out. The only reason her heart didn’t stop was that she has a defibrillator implanted in her chest and that kept the heart going. The medical staff had to do cpr by beating her chest to get the heart stared on its own. She is bruised to high heaven, and she spent a couple of days in ICU. They had to have her lungs pumped out to get rid of the goop, but, again, she fooled the doctors. I told her that, after all she had been though in her life, to be taken out by a Chinese disease was just not fair. She wanted to know what Chinese disease and I told her she had a mild heart attack brought on by a Chinese malady called Hung Turd. She tried to hit me, but she couldn’t lift her arms. She is a fighter, ya know.

Yesterday they were going to move her to an intensive therapy unit in downtown Atlanta, but the rep from the unit came buy to evaluate her and said she wouldn’t qualify because she is doing so much better. She is on less oxygen and is doing great with her walking and stuff, so she will be moved to a medium therapy unit closer to her home, and I believe she will be able to go home soon.

I just hope that when and if it happens to me, I can face the challenge with as much courage and determination as Mary. She continues to amaze us and we still find things to laugh about.

Murphy's Law Expanded

Below are a few laws of nature that I have faced or have been effected by. I'm sure you can relate to a few of these, too.

Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

Law of Gravity - Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theater - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

The Starbucks Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

Do you have any to add?

The Elephant

A five year old student pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said,

'Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!'

The teacher took a deep breath, then asked...'What did you call it?'

'It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!'


And so it does...

 

'African Elephant '

Hooked on phonics! Ain't it wonderful?

I'm Back - With A Little Humor

I’m finally back. With many, many miles with no sleep (other than three half-hour power naps) I mad it back only to change cars and head out to Huntsville at the Rocket and Space Museum. I’m back now and trying to pass along a little email humor I received while I was gone. Enjoy, if you can!

SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING, BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

For those of you with dogs…

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the Super Wal-Mart Shopping Center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my little Lucy had fresh air.

She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wated to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, “Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay! Stay!”

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady, gave me a strange look and said, “Why don’t you just put it in park?”

Finally, for those of you who love to be smart asses I give you:

SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during a flight on Alaska Airlines.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead."
Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge and cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up.
The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2008
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

BELLY BUTTON JEWELRY

The other day Brother Dave posted about body piercing’s and it reminded me of these beauties. Which one do you like?

Colorado Belly Button Jewelry:

 

Tennessee Belly Button Jewelry:

 

Tough decision, huh?

After this I guess you will be glad to hear that I will be on another dog transport and won't be back until Saturday. Then I change vehicles, load the kiddies and Sweet Tea up and we are heading to Huntsville, AL, to see some space stuff. So I won't be back here until Tuesday.

Okay, okay! I hear the cheering and whistling. I can take a hint. Bye!

Sportsmanship - You Have It Or You Don't

It's great to see true sportsmanship. This ESPN video titled 'Touching Them All' is a real feel good story.


As compared to this:

Men In Training

 

 

 

 

MILF Realtors

Now that my house is on the market agian, I am changing my agent to this company. I don't care if the house ever sales.

 

MeMe from Kim

My good looking and very sexy friend Kim sent me this meme and I promised her I would post it. Do it if you want to – however, if you do please tell me so I can enjoy you answers.

1. Do you like Blue Cheese? Absolutely!
2. Have you ever smoked heroin? No! But I have smoked pork and silmon.
3. Do you own a gun? Yes, several! Wan’a see’em, sneak into my house!
4. What flavor do you add to your drink? Lemon with iced tea, diet coke with Jack Black, water with Scotch.
5. Do you get nervous before going to the doctor? No! It will be good or bad; either way I will deal with it. I am more curious that nervous.
6. What do you think of hot dogs? I like to eat’em, but I don’t think about’em much.
7. Favorite Christmas movie? Bad Santa!
8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Black Coffee!
9. Can you do push ups? Yes – one!
10. Age? War Baby! (Age before Baby Boomers)
11. What's your favorite piece of jewelry? My college class ring and my wedding band.
12. Favorite hobby? Blogging (though I am thinking of getting out of the business)
13. Favorite Actor? Tom Sellick!
14. Do you have A.D.D.? Yes, I think so - with a little S.U.B.T.R.A.C.T thrown in.
15. What's one trait you hate about yourself? My propensity to tell everyone, “Fuck You.”
16. Middle name? The Smart Ass!
17. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment? 1. How sever will the storm brewing outside be tonight? 2. Sweet Tea wants to go to Wal-Mart, will this storm dampen (get it, hahahaha) her desire to go? 3. Do I have to pee?
18. Name 3 things you love to eat. Steak, Chicken, Catherine Bell.
19. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink? Tea, Diet Coke, Coke Zero!
20. No Question 20 – I guess it got lost in the shuffle somehow.
21. Current dislike right now? Barrack Hussein Obama!
22. Favorite place to be? At a race track or with my grandkids.
23. How did you bring in the New Year? In bed with Sweet Tea and the grandkids watching the big apple and the Georgia Peach come down.
24. Where would you like to go? Back to Japan! or To Heave, but not tonight.
25. Name three people who will complete this? Him, Him and Her.
26. If you could change the color of your eyes (without having to wear contacts) would you? No! They are something I don’t have to look at so they don’t bother me as long as they keep working.
27. What shirt are you wearing? Hawaiian pull-over!
28. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets? NO! They are two slippery and hot. You have to throw sand on the bed to get traction with your knees and toes. Then you sweat from the heat they hold in.
29. Can you whistle? Yes! Especially at Special K and Christine.
30. Favorite color? Blue! I’ll post a color chart that tells you about your sexual desires if I can find it.
31. Would you be a pirate? Sure, it beats being a teacher.
32. What songs do you sing in the shower? ‘How big I am, how big I am; no body knows how big I am’, and along with #32 – ‘Many brave hearts are asleep in the deep so beware. Bee Eee Eee Eee Wwwaaaaarrrreeee! (In my deepest base voice)
33. Favorite girl's name? Bitch!
34. Favorite boy's name? Ass Hole!
35. What is in your pocket right now? Which pocket? One has a knife, another has my good luck coin, six dollars and eighty seven cents, another has my wallet and the last one has lint.
36. Last thing that made you laugh? My gay brother, Sister Stephen, fawning over one of my sister’s doctors at the hospital today and a scene in Two and A Half Men.
37. Best bed sheets as a child? Clean white cotton sheets. My mom had no imagination!
38. Worst injury you've ever had? Right hand crushed in an industrial accident. I live though!
39. Do you love where you live? It’s okay!
40. How many TVs do you have in your house? Four!
41. Who is your loudest friend? I don’t have friends!
42. How many dogs do you have? Four!
43. Does someone have a crush on you? I don’t think so! Though there are a few who would like TO crush me.
44. What is your favorite book(S)? ‘We Were Soldiers Once… And Young’ by Joe Galloway and Hal Moore; ‘Bury My Heart At Wounded Knee’ by Dee Brown, ‘The Civil War Trilogy: Gods and Generals / The Killer Angels / The Last Full Measure’ by Jeff and Michael Shaara
45. Where were you born? In the hospital in Atlanta.
46. What is your favorite candy? Baby Ruth!
47. Favorite Sports Team? Don’t have one. I do love NASCAR, though!
48. What song do you want played at your funeral? I don’t care, I won’t be there.
49. What were you doing at 12 A.M.? Blogging and watching TV.
50. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? I have to get up and get to the hospital to be there when the doctor shows up to talk about my sister. She isn’t doing so well and, well, she is like my mother. If you have any prayers lying around that you don’t need, Mary could use a few.

Logic

Two rednecks, Jimbo and Bubba, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Jimbo turns to Bubba and says, 'You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes.'

Bubba thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day, Jimbo goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.

'Logic?' Jimbo says. 'What's that?'

The dean says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?'

'Yeah!'

'Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard.'

'That's true, I do have a yard.'

'I'm not done,' the dean says. 'Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.'

'Yes, I do have a house.'

'And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.'

'Yes, I have a family.'

'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.'

'I am a heterosexual. That's amazing; you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater.'

Excited to take the class now, Jimbo shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bubba at the bar. He tells Bubba about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

'Logic?' Bubba says, 'What's that?'

Jimbo says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?'

'No!'

'Then you're a queer.'

Prohibition Poster Girls

If you were around in 1919 (just before prohibition started) and came upon the following poster...

 

I mean seriously, would you give up drinking?

Why Italians Can't Be Paramedics

Vinny and Sal are out in the woods hunting when suddenly Sal grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.

Vinny whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "I think Sal is dead! What should I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence .. and then a shot is heard.

Vinny's voice comes back on the line,

"Okay... now what ?"

Pubic Hare

 

One For The Women & One For The Men

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of well known Chinese sex therapist Dr. Chang.

So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room Dr. Chang said, 'OK take off all your crose.'

The woman did as she was told.

'Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.'

Again the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr. Chang then said 'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.'

So she did.

Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said, 'Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary diease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.'

Worried the woman asked anxiously, 'Oh my God Dr.Chang what is Ed Zachary Disease ?'

Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, 'Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass.’

*****

And for us older men, Willie Nelson put it best when, on his 75th birthday said, ‘I have outlived my dick.’