I told you in my last post that Judy and I were going to put up a shed for Dr. Amber. What I didn’t tell you (though I did mention it on FB) was that I went to the gym on Thursday. I had to call the cops on my trainer for assault and for abusing a senior citizen. Bastard!
We worked on my legs and, except for a hand job, everything from the waist down. I have never in my life had sore legs like I had yesterday. I have never hurt like that before. I’m am a pussy. I also can’t wait till Monday to go back and start on the upper part. I’m also stupid.
Anypain, back to Amber and her hut, there is a back story of sorts. Her washing machine is broken and the dryer isn’t much better. But Amber won’t spend the money to get a new one, even though the majority of her washing is blankets and towels for the animals. So her assistant, Susan, secretly bought a new washer and dryer for us to pickup when we got the shed. Luckily, when we got to Amber’s, she was doing surgery a couple of counties over, and her boyfriend, Bob, was waiting for us. He didn’t know about the w&d either. He wasn’t prepared for us other than the shed.
We went into the place where old w&d was and loaded the washer on a hand truck. I was backing out of the house with the load and going through the front door when my rubber like, extremely sore legs started to act up on me. I stepped down onto the stoop with the machine in the doorway and almost fell. In trying to keep my balance my back froze up on me. My lower back. Bob couldn’t get out of the door and Judy was across the yard. So I sucked it up and jerked the washer through the door…and went down on my knees.
The rest of the day, with my legs so soar and my lower back locking up on me, I couldn’t do much. I did set in a chair and put the pieces together for the shed, and later I was able to reach over the top and screw in screws. But before that, it was cold, the wind was blowing and it was like trying to erect a sail on a boat still tied to the pier. I was sitting in a chair holding sheets of tin. Bob was working on a stoop that was fresh pored concrete and only Judy was doing the erecting.
Finally, Bob got to where he could help us (Judy). After we got one wall erected, I was able to use the electric screwdriver by reaching over the top and doing the top and some of the middle. A job that should have taken about 4 hours lasted all day, and it was my fault. I felt so bad and useless. As useless as tits on a Nun or balls on a Priest. But it finally got so dark, and it was so cold that our fingers were stiffening up, that we decided to let Bob and Amber finish the thing today. We got it all but the top. About two hours work.
We got home about 9:00 pm last night, and at 9:01 pm I was asleep in my chair - no dinner. I woke up around midnight and went to bed. My back is better today, but the legs are still sore.
And I didn’t get to yell at Judy at all. Not once. She is so great. She was mad at me for trying to use the hand truck with the washer and stuff, but she got over it - as usual. I’m am a lucky man. . .
Glad you asked. It’s colder than Hilary Clinton in a room alone with Bill.
But I am going to do one of the family things again regardless of how cold it is. Damn it! What will I be doing?
This!!! Dr. Amber is redoing some of her animal space and she needs a shed built. So who does Judy volunteer???? Yep!
But to be honest, Judy will be with me and she is a great person to work with. I only have to yell about half as much when she is helping. Saves my throat and vocal cords, it does.
So I will be gone all day. A two hour drive to the Lowes in Athens for the shed and another hour to her place in the country. So we will be leaving around 6 a.m. and folks, that is the middle of the night for me. But a couple of Waffle House coffee’s and I’ll be good to go.
This is supposedly a true story. Don’t know; don’t care. It’s funny anyway.
The Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to a group of Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population.
It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting or trapping the predators, these two groups were offering a 'more humane' solution.
What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males would then be castrated and turned loose again. Thus the population would be controlled.
No kidding, this was actually proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Grower's Association by the Sierra Club and the U.S.F.S.
The ranchers listened to the presentation and then sat there in a sort of dumfound silence, trying to make sense of the amazing proposal they had just heard.
Finally, an old boy in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said, 'Son, I don't think you understand our problem. Those coyotes ain't fuckin' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em!'
You should have been there to hear the roar of laughter.
Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem? A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat.
Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A. A different bar.
Q.. What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby? A. Sum Ting Wong.
Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A. A speech impediment.
Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek ? A. Because they're not going to work in the future either..
Q. Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal along with a recipe.
Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word? A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, 'BINGO!'
Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale??? A. A northern fairytale begins, ...'Once upon a time....' A southern fairytale begins,.... 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit.'
Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team? A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States
Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners.
Have a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but instead will detonate any explosive device you have on you.
It would be a win-win for everyone !!!
Every once in awhile I get a CLEAN joke that I feel obligated to pass along, and this is one of them.
Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Washington DC parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of air and to see the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.
He promptly called the US House of Representatives for assistance.
The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Speaker Pelosi. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Speaker Pelosi, considering herself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to first notify the next of kin."
To HEll With Murphy's Law! Here are a few rules you can get behind and believe in. 1. If Any Thing Can Go Wrong, Fix it. (To hell with Murphy’s Law) 2. When given A Choice - Take Both. 3. Multiple Projects Lead To Multiple Successes. 4. Start At The Top, Then Work Your Way Up. 5. Do It By The Book - But Be The Author. 6. When Forced To Compromise - Ask For More. 7. If You Can’t Beat Them, Join Them, Then Beat Them. 8. If It’s Worth Doing, It’s Got To Be Done Right Now. 9. If You Can’t Win, Change The Rules. 10. If You Can’t Change The Rules, Ignore Them. 11. Perfection Is Not Optional. 12. When Faced Without A Challenge, Make One. 13. “No” Simply Means Begin Again On A Higher Level. 14. Don’t Walk When You Can Run. 15. Bureaucracy Is A Challenge To Be Conquered With A Righteous Attitude, A Tolerance For Stupidity, And A Bulldozer When Necessary. 16. When In Doubt, Think. 17. Patience Is A Virtue, But Persistence To The Point Of Success Is A Blessing. 18. The Squeaky Wheel Gets Replaced. 19. The Faster You Move, The Slower Time Passes, The Longer You Live.
Can you believe it? Me being given an award…not just an award, but a Beautiful Blogger Award. I received this award from the beautiful (yet visually impared)Val who resides oveer at Golden To Silver. She is one of my favorite reads and is a very sweet lady. (She craves my body, too. Okay! I will honor the restraining order, Val.) So jump over and look over her site, tag her as a follower, and let me know when you do because she is paying me a commission for each new follower she gets vie me. (NO! Just kidding! She’s too good to have to pay anyone to visit her.)
However, the conditions of this award are that I have to name 7 things about myself. Then I have to pass it on to 7 of my peeps that I think are fantastic. Now for the seven people I have to give an award too. I refuse to ever single out any of my peeps because if you are on my sidebar, you are worth reading and you are a favorite of mine. So I am going to do what Val did…the first seven (if I get that many readers this time) people to comment may consider yourself tagged. But I would appreciate it if you let me know if and when you accept the award.
So here are the seven things you should know about me.
1. I raced stock cars on the bull rings dirt track around North Georgia back in the 70’s 2. I have never been pregnant. 3. I have never had sex with a man. 4. If the toilet seat is down, I’ll piss in the sink. 5. If I go outside at night, I’ll piss off the deck. 6. I hate slow, courteous drivers. Move or get out of the fucking way. 7. I don’t like that aggravating music on blogs, but it is your blog so I just mute my computer. Your welcome.
Now you first seven (and any others who want it because you are all beautiful) want this, copy and past it to your side bar or award file.
And thank you all for adding so much laughter, seriousness and information to my life.
A cowboy, who just moved to Texas from Wyoming, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, “You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.”
The cowboy replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Wyoming, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I’m drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.”
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
“Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explains, “It’s just that my wife and I joined the Baptist church and I had to quit drinking.” He paused. “Hasn’t affected my brothers though.”
I think we all know little old ladies like these two fictious ladies... Two old ladies were sitting on the porch talking about their lives and what they remember. Reminiscing over the many things they did in their youth; raising families, movies and dancing and stuff.
After a pause, Nettie turned to Ruth and as, “Ahhhh, Ruth, do you remember the minuet?”
Ruth, without a pause, said, “Hell, Nettie, I don’t even remember the men I fucked.”
Nettie and Ruth were sitting on the porch at the old folks home. Nettie turned to Ruth and asked "Ruth, you were married a long time, did you and your husband have mutual orgasm?"
Rush sat and rocked for a minute and said, "No, I think we had State Farm."
Nettie and Ruth are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. Ruth turns to Nettie and asks, "Do you still get horny?"
Nettie replies, "Oh sure I do."
Ruth then asks, "What do you do about it?"
Nettie replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
After a few moments, Ruth ask, "Who drives you to the beach?"
It was three o'clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a Ruth comes running towards her screaming. "Please come quickly!" she yelled, "I just saw a naked man outside my window!"
The receptionist immediately rushes up to Ruth's room. "Where is he?" asked the receptionist.
"He's over there," replied Ruth, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel.
The receptionist looks over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment. "It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to bed," she said reassuringly. "But how do you know he's naked, you can only see him from the waist up?"
"The dresser, honey!" screamed Ruth. "Try standing on the dresser!"
An elderly couple sat through a porno movie twice. They didn't get up to leave until the theater was ready to close for the night.
"You folks must've enjoyed the show," the usher said.
"Disgusting!" said the old lady.
"It was revolting," her husband added.
"Then why did you sit through it twice?" the usher asks.
"We had to wait until you turned up the house lights," the old lady replied. "We couldn't find my panties and his teeth were in them!"
Regardless of what you think of me, I have tried to do what’s right, or what I think is right, most of my life. I haven’t always been successful, but who the fuck has.
This was especially true when dating a woman with children. One of my self-imposed rules was to never let a child see me coming out of her bedroom in the morning. I would either go home during the night or leave before the kids got up.
I feel that it is important what the kid thinks of their mother, and I would never do anything to the mother with the child in the room to damage their image of the mother. Oh, I would kiss and/or hug her in front of them. But nothing naughty or suggestive. It’s just that the kids need to see as much positive as they can and have nothing but love for the mother.
Anylove, one morning, after an unusually long active night and a little too much booze, I didn’t wake up early as usual. The mother had a 6 year old daughter who I had played a card game with the night before. We got along great. Lots of laughing and silly knock, knock jokes and stuff. But this morning she was standing in the dinning room watching her mom fix breakfast when I walked out of the bedroom - fully clothed.
She turned and look at me and the smile left her face. She said, “Did you stay all night? Did you screw my mom?”
I just stood there. The mom was standing in the kitchen doorway with her mouth open. I just looked at the mom, turned and walked out of the house. I went out to my car and threw up. I felt so small I would need a parachute to jump off a dime. Did I do anything to harm that sweet little girl?
I don’t know what experience she had, or if she had been talking to her friends at school, but she sure hit the nail on the head.
I never dated the mom again. We talked and she was working with her daughter, but I wasn’t man enough to go back into that house.
I think about that morning often when I seen people dating with their kids along. I hope they have the kids psyche in mind while they are getting to know each other.
I dated Judy for five years before I ask her and her family to be my tax deduction. And it was around 2 years before her kids knew I was spending the night. I just hope and pray that little girl was just going through a phase she didn’t understand and that she grew up happy and still loving and respecting her mother.
Again, in my continuing efforts to educate you, my peeps, I have been doing extensive research into ways to make our life’s easier. Below are some helpful information and hints that I have uncovered and the amazing thing is…
THESE REALLY WORK!!
I checked this out on Snopes and they are for real!
AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:
1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.
3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.
4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40.. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.
No applause or accolades needed. Just knowing your life is better because of my efforts on your behalf is enough gratitude for me.
Here we are, already discussing the future President of the United States, beginning with the Year 2012.
For those of you who would like THE VERY BEST choice for President, we have a solution. It is probably time we have a woman as President.
One choice is a very special lady who has just about every answer to assist in helping us to solve our problems.
PLEASE give this a thought when you have a moment...
MAXINE FOR PRESIDENT! Very eloquently put.............don't you think?
Here are a few of Maxine’s opinions:
Maxine on Driver Safety, "I can't use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for making gestures."
Maxine on Lawn Care, "The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless."
Maxine on The Perfect Man, "All I'm looking for is a guy who'll do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away. Or wait nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed."
Maxine on Technology Revolution, "My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice."
Maxine on Aging, "Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a Margarita."
More Maxine quotes:
"The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals ."
"The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket."
"To err is human; to forgive, highly unlikely."
"Do you realize that in about forty years, we'll have millions of old ladies running around with tattoos and pierced navels?" (Now that's scary!)
"Money can't buy happiness--but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than a Kia."
"After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching somewhere...you may be dead."
And as far as aging goes, did you hear about the 83-year-old woman who talked herself out of a speeding ticket by telling the young officer that she had to get there before she forgot where she was going?
Makes perfectly good sense to me.....
Just remember: We'll be FRIENDS until we are old and senile. Then we'll be NEW FRIENDS.
***UPDATE*** Bobby's wife said: He is at Central Maine Medical Center 12 High Street, Lewiston, Maine 04240 his room number right now is Floor M-1 room 189. I think it would be good for him.
I am in his room right now and just got the news that the chest xray last showed some items of concern and they are going to be doing a cat scan of the chest tonight and biopsy tomorrow.
You are right he can be a hard ass. - You can do what you feel is right. Like me writing to you regardless of what he says. :)
So if any of you want to send a card or flowers, the address is above. Support from strangers (and who do you know more strange than me?)will be a tremendious boost in his moral.
Thanks again, Peeps. You guys are the greates.
Some thoughts and prayers are need for a friend of mine. One of my blogging and FB buddies is in the hospital. He is having a setback with some blood poisoning. His wife sent me a heads up because he is having a tough time.
Bobby Kro is an ex-combat Marine and the father of a returning combat Marine, but most of all he is a great artist. You can scroll my blog, check out his FB site or just Google his name to see some of his incredible stuff.
So I am asking for you to do what ever you do in helping someone in need. Prayers, good vibes, animal sacrifice…what ever you do. Bobby just needs to know he as a huge support group backing him in this though time.
REDNECK HOROSCOPE Rednecks are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people that read them. If we are to ever fully understand all the zodiac signs and the people they represent, we need symbols that all true Rednecks understand.
When you drive around small towns you see bulls, and once in a great while a ram. Somewhere in town there are a pair of twins or two, but you don't see them much. The rest of those ancient things are just too obscure. You only see crabs on vacation. There are no lions or scorpions; not many archers and no dang'd water bearers. Virgins? The neighborhood's not crawling with them either.
So, what Southern Rednecks need here is some relevance. They need things they can recognize. That's why they have created a new set of astrological signs for Southern Rednecks. So, Here's your sign:
OKRA Dec 22 - Jan 20 Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okra have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies!
CHITLIN Jan 21 - Feb 19 Chitlins often come from humble backgrounds. Many times they're uncomfortable talking about just where they came from. A chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he's motivated and has plenty of seasoning. When it comes to dealing with Chitlins, be very careful. Chitlins can burn and then erupt like Vesuvius, and this can make for a really terrible mess. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra. Remember that when marriage time rolls around.
BOLL WEEVIL Feb 20- Mar 20 You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.
MOON PIE Mar 21- April 20 You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It's a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.
POSSUM APR 21 - May 21 When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don't-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won't work and you may find your problems actually running you over.
CRAWFISH May 22 - June 21 Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living room. You tend to be not particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads.
COLLARDS June 22- July 23 Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the "melting pot" of life and share their essence with the essence of those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.
CATFISH July 24 - Aug 23 Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one: Whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. Your catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.
GRITS Aug 24 - Sept 23 Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel, thought so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well.
BOILED PEANUTS (My Sign) Sept 24 - Oct 23 You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best -- your friends and loved ones-may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.
BUTTER BEAN October 24 - Nov 22 Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.
ARMADILLO Nov 23 - Dec 21 You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another somewhat kinky, mating possibility. . .
A Country wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength, borne of fury, and cutting firewood, lifting sacks of feed, and bales of hay, she beat him, dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the barn.
She put his manhood in a vice and then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw.
The banged up cheater was terrified, and hollered, "Stop! Stop! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?"
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said....... "Nope.....You are! I'm gonna burn down the Barn!!!” . .
UPS, home based in Louisville, KY, has had a remarkable career in the aviation business. They have some incredible employees, but remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one...a reassurance to those of us who fly commercial routinely in our jobs.
After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident with loss of life.**
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. * P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. * P: Something loose in cockpit S: Something tightened in cockpit * P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order. * P: Auto pilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent... S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. * P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. * P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level. * P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what friction locks are for. * P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. * P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right. * P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search * P: Aircraft handles funny. S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious. * P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. * P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed. * And the best one for last * P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget
*** According to Wikipedia, here is a list of major incidents and accidents involving a UPS airplane. No loss of like, so I am going to start flying UPS from now on.
On September 11, 1998, Flight 744, N316UP, a Boeing 767-300 suffered substantial damage after running off the runway at Ellington Field from Louisville International Airport. The airport was experiencing a tropical storm at the time of the landing, the aircraft was unable to stop on a wet runway with a strong tailwind. After running off the runway, the aircraft's right landing gear broke off and the right engine separated from the wing. The aircraft was put back into service after major repairs.
On June 7, 2005, Flight 6971, N250UP, a McDonnell Douglas MD-11 suffered substantial damage after a landing gear collapse at Louisville International Airport from Ted Stevens Anchorage International Airport. The crew accidentally lowered the nose of the aircraft too fast, putting too much pressure on the front landing gear. The aircraft was put back into service after a $10 million repair.
On February 8, 2006, Flight 1307, N748UP, a Douglas DC-8 was destroyed by fire at Philadelphia International Airport from Hartsfield-Jackson Atlanta International Airport. Just before landing the crew reported a smoke detector was going off in the cargo hold. After landing, the cargo hold of the aircraft caught on fire, the source of the fire was never found.
REDNECK ETIQUETTE *Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight. *When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way. *Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape. *When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer. *Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving. *Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in. *Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
PERSONAL HYGIENE *Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item. *If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets. *While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys. *Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours. Note: Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method. *While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys. *Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money. *Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jeweler and alter the taste of finger foods
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME *A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist. *Do not allow the dog to eat at the table . . . no matter how good his manners are. *If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes.
DINING OUT *When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup & pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine. *If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
DATING (Outside the Family) *Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date. *Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years a go." *If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration. *Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00pm; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATER ETIQUETTE *Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended. *Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS *Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift. *Its is not okay for the groom to bring a date to a wedding. *When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is. *A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but also aproven fly deterrent. *For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance. Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS *Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges. *Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. *Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car. *It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church. *Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered tacky to drive a U-*Haul to the funeral home. *The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if other people are around. *Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.
I’m home…finally. But I have to go back next Thursday. The things I do for family. Anybody want a family? I’ve got one you can have…I’ll pay you to take’em.
This morning the sun was shining, but it was cold. I went out to the van to crank it up to let it run to defrost the windows, which had a foot of snow from the roof to the front bumper. To get to the door I had to walk in snow up to my knees - in sneakers.
I don’t know what possessed me to do it because I have never done it before when traveling in snowy weather. But I brought alone my window scraper with a brush on one side and the scraper on the other. There is no explaining brilliance.
I also had to shovel the three foot pile of snow in front of the van so that I could get out. I don’t shovel. I’m a stud, not a laborer. So I got it down to a foot high and drove over the damn thing.
The road heading over to I-81 was pack snow and some ice. Not too slippery. But I-81 was in great shape. The DOT had worked all night to get the highways cleared. And there was no traffic.
But on the way back I had to make a side trip to pick up a surgical light Dr. Amber bought online. So I pulled off I-77 into the Yadkin Gap in North Carolina. I followed the Yadkin River for a long way and was in some very beautiful country. Some snow on the ground, but still mountain valley beautiful.
But the important thing is, I’m home, the Saints just won the Super Bowl, and Judy and I are headed out to the Waffle House for a late dinner.
Thanks for all the well wishes, guys. It is comforting. And thank you to Travelodge for having free WiFi, too. Kept me from going nuttier than I already am.
HELP! I’m snowed in at a motel in Winchester, VA, and there is NO WAFFLE HOUSE close by. There is one about two miles away, but walking in sneakers in almost knee deep snow isn’t gonna happen.
Luckily I got all the dogs delivered before the shit hit. I was 40 miles inside PA when it started.
This was made while driving down the road about 15 minutes after it started.
I still had a 100 miles to drive before I could stop at my favorite motel. In that two hours, I-81 was down to one good lane and the cloverleaf exit I used was so icy it was like I was ‘dirt-tracking’ again. Almost sideways all the up the ramp.
This is at the motel looking toward the Texas Road House resturant where I ate dinner last night.
Now the snow is up to my knees. You can see some pictures below. Many of you live in shit like this all winter. My advice…move South - below NC and TN.
This is the motel later that evening and today.
This is outside my motel window. There is a hill leading up to a barbedwire fence. I’ll try to get back home tomorrow. The cargo van is almost too light to get good traction, so I will have to think about leaving. Hunger may be the deciding factor. Nothing is open around here.
This morning, while having coffee and doughnuts in the lobby, I got to talking to an ex-Navy Tin Can sailor from Texas who served at the same time as me. He has a 4 wheel drive F250 truck and offered to take me with him and his wife when they go out for dinner tonight. He is my new best friend.
But let me tell you peeps something, being stuck in a motel alone with no place to go sucks big time. And cold…it’s so cold here that the flashers are showing pictures of themselves.
It was entertainment night at the Senior Center. Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: 'I'm here to put you all into a trance. I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. The polished metal gleamed in the light.
Claude the hypnotist said: 'I want you each to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.'
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch.'
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light shimmering off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.