Ah, The Navy Life

As many of you know, e.craig, brother dave and I were in the Navy. I was a radarman, I don’t remember what e.craig did, but brother dave was a pecker-checker (corpsman – medic – medical personal.) We all served on board a Navy destroyer – me the USS Frank E. Evans (DD754) and e.craig on board the USS The Sullivans (DD 537.) So they will appreciate this little description of Navy life as compared to civilian life sent to me by one of my old Navy shipmates (Quartermaster Chuck.) The only exception I have to this little ditty is the mention in number 12 of curtains. Only submarines and the new fangled Aircraft Carriers have curtains over their racks.

If you were once a US Navy sailor, you will no doubt relate. If you weren't, now perhaps you will understand what the life was like.

How to Simulate Being a Sailor

1. Buy a steel dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it for six months.

2. Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.

3. Repaint your entire house every month.

4. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of the bathtub and move the shower head to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you turn off the water while you soap down.

5. Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.

6. Once a week, blow compressed air up your chimney, making sure the wind carries the soot onto your neighbor's house. Ignore his complaints.

7. Once a month, take all major appliances apart and then reassemble them.

8. Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back door so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through them.

9. Disassemble and inspect your lawn mower every week.

10. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water heater temperature up to 200 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the water heater off. On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family
they use too much water during the week, so no bathing will be allowed.

11. Raise your bed to within 6" of the ceiling, so you can't turn over without getting out and then getting back in.

12. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say "Sorry, wrong rack."

13. Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house - dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.

14. Have your neighbor come over each day at 0500, blow a whistle so loud Helen Keller could hear it, and shout "Reveille, reveille, reveille, all hands heave out and trice up."

15. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 0600 while she reads it to you.

16. Submit a request chit to your father-in-law requesting permission to leave your house before 1500.

17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway three times a day , whether it needs it or not.

18. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering it to you.

19. Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, and then show a different one.

20. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone shouting that your home is under attack and ordering them to their battle stations. (Now general quarters, general quarters, all hands man your battle stations.)

21. Make your family menu a week ahead of time without consulting the pantry or refrigerator.

22. Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs.

23. Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly. Spread icing real thick to level it off.

24. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread. (midrats)

25. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night. At the alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to button your top shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run out into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose.

26. Every week or so, throw your cat or dog in the pool and shout "Man overboard port side!" Rate your family members on how fast they respond.

27. Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stand in front of the stove, and speak into the paper cup "Stove manned and
ready." After an hour or so, speak into the cup again "Stove secured." Roll up the headphones and paper cup and stow them in a shoebox.

28. Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4 hour intervals. This is best done when the weather is worst. January is a good time.

29. When there is a thunderstorm in your area, get a wobbly rocking chair, sit in it and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous. Make sure to have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket.

30. For former engineers: bring your lawn mower into the living room, and run it all day long.

31. Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds per pot, and allow the pot to simmer for 5 hours before drinking.

32. Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep shears.

33. Sew the back pockets of your jeans on the front.

34. Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them that at the end of the 6th week you are going to take them to Disney World for "liberty. At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to Disney World has been canceled because they need to get ready for an inspection, and it will be another week before they can leave the house.

35. Have your wife get you up at 0330 one cold morning, stand you on your front porch with 2 Coke bottles tied around your neck while she throws cold water in your face for 4 hours, and then ask you if you want to ship over.

Beer For The Boys - uh Girls

 

It also makes my legs spread and Rosanne Barr look beautiful.

Damn The Olympics

This is just too good to pass up. What kind of discipline does it take to do this stuff? And the two guys holding the pole, they use their legs to help with the weight, but…damn.

The New and The Old

THE NEW


THE OLD
A self-important college freshman attending a recent football game took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.

"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one", the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. "The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, and man walking on the moon. Our space probes have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, ships and electric and hydrogen cars, cell phones, computers with light-speed processing...and more."

After a brief silence, the senior citizen responded, "You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young.........so, we invented them! Now, you arrogant little s#@t, what are you doing for the next generation?"

The applause was amazing.......

**********
I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange and blue.

The old man kept staring at him.

The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter, old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and fucked a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

**********
A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.

She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was; after listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room. Then the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room.

"What's the hell's wrong with you?" he demanded. "This woman is 63 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?!!"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?

Waffle House Wedding

Y'all go to my side bar and find my niece's site (Cup of Coffey) and see the pictures of the wedding (not her's)at the Waffle House. It made me so proud.

No Time For Campaignin'

This is too cute not to post!

I love JibJab.com but there are just too many videos to post.

To Know Me Is To Love Me! I'll Pay You Anything!

Two new post today. I'm feeling generous and it's suck-ass Tuesday,too. So enjoy both - if you can.

Here are some rare and unknown facts about me that you might like to know. Or not! My friend, Chuck, sent this to me in an email and I am including him on my return email list because he keeps sending me shit like this and I never respond. So let his email file fill up for a change. If you choose to fill this out for yourself let me know so I can read your stuff, too. If you choose to me more serious, that is good, too. But why?

1. What is your occupation? I occupy my easy-chair
2. What color are your socks right now? White – I’m Southern ya know
3. Where's the question? I think just before the answer
4. What was the last thing that you ate? Bacon, cheese burger and hash browns
5. Can you drive a stick shift? No, but I can drive a manual transmission vehicle. We haven’t used sticks in years.
6. Last person you spoke to on the phone? Carl.
7. Do you like the person who sent this to you? Well, I wouldn’t sleep with him, but yeah, I do.
8. How old are you today? Same age as I was yesterday and tomorrow - 63
9. What is your favorite sport to watch? NASCAR and Nude Mud Wrestling
10. What is your favorite drink? Sweet Iced Tea
11. Have you ever dyed your hair? No! Didn’t have too! It dyed itself from dark brown to gray.
12. Last time you hugged your child? Don’t know. Couple of weeks, maybe
13. Favorite food? Cheeseburgers
14. Last movie you watched? North by Northwest on TV last night
15. Favorite day of the year? Any that I can enjoy
16 How do you vent anger? I scream and yell and stomp my feet. Then I look around to make sure no one saw me.
17 Your favorite toy as a child? My guns and gun belts! I would modify the scabbards for fast draw so I could get the drop on Jessie James and Bill the Kid – desperados all. Oh, yea! A few Indians, too!
18. What is your favorite season? They all have their good points.
19. Ocean or pool? Air-condition den!
20. Cherries or Blueberries? Plums
21. Do you want your friends to e-mail you back? If I had any I would like to hear from them.
22. Who is the most likely to respond? To what?
23. Who is least likely to respond? Those who don’t
24. Living arrangements? It is agreed that I can go on living as long as I obey Sweet Tea.
26. What is on the floor of your closet? Carpet
27. Who is the friend you have had the longest that you are sending this? I don’t send shit like this to friends. So if you are reading this, sorry.
28. What did you do last night? Slept
29. Where would you most like to go? To the bathroom without a since of urgency
30. What inspires you? Our men and women in uniform – and I don’t mean Sonics servers
31. What are you most afraid of? Obama being elected
32. Plain, cheese or spicy hamburgers?
33. Favorite dog breed? Any that doesn’t bark, shit and piss in the floor and eats Democrats
34. Favorite day of the week? Payday
35. How many states have you lived in? Three: Confusion, Denial and Depression

Georgia Farmers Can't Be Beat

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Georgia. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Georgia. We settle small disagreements like this; with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"

The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

Husband Of The Year

Looks like me and Sweet Tea!

The Amish Are Cool

An Amish farmer, walking through his field, notices a man kneeling down and drinking from his farm pond.

The Amish farmer shouts: "Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen." (Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows have
crapped in it.")

The kneeling man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand you. I speak Arabic and English. If you can't speak in the sacred
tongue of Islam, speak in English."

The Amish farmer says: "Use two hands, you'll get more."

The Importance of Taking Care of Yourself

Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 89 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.. Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell he is.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound! Apparently you have to go there.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, she looks good doesn't she.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years ... just getting over the hill.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
You could run this over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave; I look just fine.

PARENT JOB DESCRIPTION

POSITION:
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop

JOB DESCRIPTION:
Long term, team players needed, for challenging, permanent work in an often chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.

Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities!

Travel expenses not reimbursed.

Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES:
The rest of your life.
Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5.

Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.

Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.

Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.

Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.

Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.

Must be a willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next.

Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.

Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.

Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:
None.
Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:
None required unfortunately.

On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
Get this! You pay them, offering frequent raises and bonuses.

A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent.

When you die, you give them whatever is left.

The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS:
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love, and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.

AND A FOOTNOTE - THERE IS NO RETIREMENT -- EVER!!!

IOWA the Great

This is another email I received and to be honest, the poor people in Iowa make me very proud of my country. These are the can-do people that band together and face tough problems with solutions. They are what make our country great. And, although I cannot imagine how hard it is for them, I find them very encouraging...even though they are not getting the same media coverage, I don't think it bothers them...they have more important things to attend to right now. They are the true backbone of our country, and I wish I could go and work right beside them.

Northern Approaches [John Derbyshire]
A reader from the Wolverine State wonders:
Where are all of the Hollywood celebrities holding telethons asking for help in restoring Iowa and helping the folks affected by the floods?

Where is all the media asking the tough questions about why the federal government hasn't solved the problem? Asking where the FEMA trucks (and trailers) are?

Why isn't the Federal Government relocating Iowa people to free hotels in Chicago?

When will Spike Lee say that the Federal Government blew up the levees that failed in Des Moines?

Where are Sean Penn and the Dixie Chicks?

Where are all the looters stealing high-end tennis shoes and big screen television sets?

When will we hear Governor Chet Culver say that he wants to rebuild a "vanilla" Iowa, because that's the way God wants it?

Where is the hysterical 24/7 media coverage complete with reports of cannibalism?

Where are the people declaring that George Bush hates white, rural people?

How come in 2 weeks, you will never hear about the Iowa flooding ever again?

Kids Games

Three third graders from Tennessee (an Irish kid, an Italian kid and a Redneck kid) are on the play ground at recess.

The Irish kid suggests that they play a new game. 'Let's see who has the largest pecker,’ he says. They all agree.

The Italian kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.

‘That’s nothing,' says the Irish kid. He whips his out and proudly shows that his is at least an inch longer.

Not to be outdone, the Redneck kid whips his out. It is by far not only the biggest, but the fattest.

That night, eating dinner at home, the Redneck kid's mother asks him what he did at school today.

'Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book and then, during recess, my friends and I played a new game called 'Let's see who has the largest pecker.'

'What kind of game is that, honey?' asks the mother.

'Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our peckers and I had the biggest! The other kids say it's because I'm a Redneck. Is that true, Mom?'

Mom replies, 'No, Honey. It's because you're twenty-one.’

The Importance of Taking Care of Yourself

Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 89 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.. Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell he is.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound! Apparently you have to go there.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, she looks good doesn't she.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years ... just getting over the hill.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
You could run this over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.

Country & Western Titles

I love my Country and Western music. I really like the older songs and some of the titles like, “Thank God and Greyhound You're Gone.” Below is a list of song titles sent to me by email and I thought you would enjoy them, too.

COUNTRY & WESTERN SONGS

10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine

9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With a Few

8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'

6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win

5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here

4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him

3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger

2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer

And the Number One Country & Western song is...

1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day

LEXOPHILES

FOR LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS)

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

A will is a dead giveaway.

A backward poet writes inverse.

A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in linoleum blown apart.

He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

A calendar's days are numbered.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.

How To Kill A Moment

A man was laying in bed with his new girlfriend.

After having great sex, she spent the next hour just stroking his penis, something she seemed to love to do.

Enjoying it, he turned and asked her, 'Why do you love doing that?'

She replied, 'Because I really miss mine.'

Guts or Balls

We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next, fatty."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the out come - since both ultimately result in hospitalization.

What's Your Color?

This will be a long post, but it will be a fun one - I hope. First of all, I will be going to Greensboro for J-Man's surgery and will be there all next week without a computer. I might stroke out, but being with him is just too important for me to worry about a blog.

So, for the fun! Choose your favorite color from RED, YELLOW, PINK, PURPLE, BLACK, GREEN, ORANGE, BROWN, GRAY, BLUE, or WHITE. Don't cheat now. Just pick your favorite color first and then look at the definitions below to find out about your sexuality. Also, leave me a comment to let me know what your color is, too. Mine is BLUE. Enjoy and I'll check in next weekend.

The clothes you wear, your home furnishings and the car you drive all give clues to your sexual personality. The key is the colors you select for your possessions. Most people claim they haven't a favorite color. But look around you, and you'll notice a pattern, especially in your clothing and home decor. The predominant color for you is the one that appears most frequently -- it's the one that mirrors the sexual you. A panel of psychologists, speaking at the 1975 Home Interior Design Forum, explained the association between color and sexual patterns.

RED: People who like red tend to be tigers in the sack. They are easily aroused and enjoy sex in every way imaginable. Once the sexual spark is ignited, it may take hours to extinguish. When two reds get together, the ensuing erotica could make Lady Chatterley blush. Lovers of red tend to be aggressors and weaker colors should be aware.

YELLOW: If you tend to favor yellow, your sexual drives are complex and turn toward the adaptable. In most cases the person will consent to the stronger partner's desires in a passive manner. You will never enjoy sex to the fullest, but you will never turn down an invitation from somebody you enjoy or admire.

PINK: Persons who like pink show a reluctance to mature in sexual matters: women tend to tease, to promise more than they intend to deliver. In some cases they flaunt their femininity -- but because they secretly hate men. A great percentage of prostitutes boast entire wardrobes in pink. Men who like pink are the philanderers and flirts. They are the type who will make three dates for the same evening and not keep one, preferring to pick up a dish in some bar instead. Women whose husbands like pink should keep a secret nest egg.

PURPLE: Lovers of purple frequently consider themselves to be too sophisticated for a fun romp in the sack. Women sometimes are the types who hate to mess their hair. Men are business-like in their approach to lovemaking. In both sexes purple partners are more concerned with their fulfillment than anyone else's gratification.

BLACK: Black color preferences point to black sex (not necessarily meaning black partners). These people are the misfits of the sex world and seek out each other in kinship. They tend to prefer perverted sex and are usually masochistic or sadistic in nature. They are moody people and often perform at their peak when under stress or during unhappy times. Police psychiatrists claim that sex offenders prefer the color black. And it is no coincidence that the uniform of mobsters and teenage gangs is black attire.

GREEN: Those who prefer green are fresh and innocent in their approach to sex. Women who love green will always make love like virgins all their life. And a man may always be a trifle clumsy and awkward but in a charming and endearing sort of way. Green lovers are gentle, but not passionate. If chosen as a mate, one will never need worry about infidelity.

ORANGE: Lovers of the color orange lean toward sexual fantasies. The sex act is regarded as a dramatic one-act play in which they are the star. Foreplay is as important as the act of love. They whisper sweet nothings, meaningless dialogue; they feel it is their image. Orange people often do not experience orgasm -- but they put on a darn good act. Men tend to pull their partner's hair and women leave red welts on the sex partner's back.

BROWN: If you love brown, you're a real treasure for the right mate. Brown lovers tend to be warm and deep, sensitive to the needs and desires of their partners. Sex is a 24 hour a day thing. Where you can't say "I love you" often enough. Snuggling by the fire, walking in the rain or catching snowflakes on their tongue is a turn-on to a lover of brown. They need lots of time and privacy to make love. But their emotions are such that one harsh word could end the affair.

GRAY: The color gray is preferred by people who are indecisive. They can't get excited about anything -- including color -- so they choose a noncommittal shade. Men who prefer gray look at sex as a way of relieving tension -- but nothing more, nothing less. It's wham, bam, thank you ma'am. Women don't make love, they have intercourse. And for one of two reasons only: to accommodate their mate, or to become pregnant. They count the cracks in the bedroom plaster until the sex act is over with and done. But when teamed with another color, the gray spouse considers the other's infidelity a blessing. When a gray marries another gray, the marriage is made in heaven.

BLUE: Lovers of blue are wonderful sex partners. They are affectionate and sensitive to their partner's needs. They consider love making a fine art and their approach is elegant. Men who love blue are like concert pianists, delicately ravaging their partner like they would play a baby grand. Women in the blue category enjoy sex to the fullest. They are exciting partners but their passion may be compared to a tidal wave rather than fiery aggression. Both women and men enjoy foreplay and the aftermath of lovemaking, as much as the sex acts itself. In marriage a blue person is a wonderful mate -- never seeking outside interests.

WHITE: If a person is infatuated with white, sex often seems filthy. These people are puritanical in nature. French kissing is obscene and to make love in the daylight is unheard of. Women who love white will undress beneath the covers. Men will shower before and after the sex act. These people still use pet names for their genitals.

Update On My Sister

I want to thank you all for your well wishes and prayers for my sister. I don’t usually boar you with stuff going on in my life because it is mainly just that – boring. But Mary is a different subject. She is thirteen years older than me and is more of a mother to me than my mother was. She has also been a diabetic for over 50 years and her little body is just getting tired.

She has been through many scary times in the past few years and many have counted her out. The doctors have called the family in just to be told that she has rallied back. She has had an eight bi-pass surgery, many diabetic comas and kidney problems, but she keeps coming back. That little lady is a fighter and I am proud of her and her courage. But she is my sister and she has the Coffey since of humor, too. For example, I notice that her urine bag was missing from its usual place at the foot of her bed. It could have been moved to the other side so I ask her if they had taken the catheter out. She said she didn’t know. So I said, “You didn’t feel or hear a slurping sound and a pop?” She chuckled and looked up at me and said with her little weak voice, “No! I guess its dead. I miss all the good things lying here.”

We almost lost her though. She woke up during the night, want to potty and climed out of the bed without calling a nurse. There was a portable potty next to her bed, and she was sitting on it. She strained so hard that her blood pressure dropped and she passed out. The only reason her heart didn’t stop was that she has a defibrillator implanted in her chest and that kept the heart going. The medical staff had to do cpr by beating her chest to get the heart stared on its own. She is bruised to high heaven, and she spent a couple of days in ICU. They had to have her lungs pumped out to get rid of the goop, but, again, she fooled the doctors. I told her that, after all she had been though in her life, to be taken out by a Chinese disease was just not fair. She wanted to know what Chinese disease and I told her she had a mild heart attack brought on by a Chinese malady called Hung Turd. She tried to hit me, but she couldn’t lift her arms. She is a fighter, ya know.

Yesterday they were going to move her to an intensive therapy unit in downtown Atlanta, but the rep from the unit came buy to evaluate her and said she wouldn’t qualify because she is doing so much better. She is on less oxygen and is doing great with her walking and stuff, so she will be moved to a medium therapy unit closer to her home, and I believe she will be able to go home soon.

I just hope that when and if it happens to me, I can face the challenge with as much courage and determination as Mary. She continues to amaze us and we still find things to laugh about.

Murphy's Law Expanded

Below are a few laws of nature that I have faced or have been effected by. I'm sure you can relate to a few of these, too.

Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

Law of Gravity - Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theater - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

The Starbucks Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

Do you have any to add?

The Elephant

A five year old student pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said,

'Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!'

The teacher took a deep breath, then asked...'What did you call it?'

'It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!'


And so it does...

 

'African Elephant '

Hooked on phonics! Ain't it wonderful?

I'm Back - With A Little Humor

I’m finally back. With many, many miles with no sleep (other than three half-hour power naps) I mad it back only to change cars and head out to Huntsville at the Rocket and Space Museum. I’m back now and trying to pass along a little email humor I received while I was gone. Enjoy, if you can!

SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING, BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

For those of you with dogs…

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the Super Wal-Mart Shopping Center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my little Lucy had fresh air.

She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wated to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, “Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay! Stay!”

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady, gave me a strange look and said, “Why don’t you just put it in park?”

Finally, for those of you who love to be smart asses I give you:

SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during a flight on Alaska Airlines.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead."
Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge and cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up.
The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2008
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

BELLY BUTTON JEWELRY

The other day Brother Dave posted about body piercing’s and it reminded me of these beauties. Which one do you like?

Colorado Belly Button Jewelry:

 

Tennessee Belly Button Jewelry:

 

Tough decision, huh?

After this I guess you will be glad to hear that I will be on another dog transport and won't be back until Saturday. Then I change vehicles, load the kiddies and Sweet Tea up and we are heading to Huntsville, AL, to see some space stuff. So I won't be back here until Tuesday.

Okay, okay! I hear the cheering and whistling. I can take a hint. Bye!

Sportsmanship - You Have It Or You Don't

It's great to see true sportsmanship. This ESPN video titled 'Touching Them All' is a real feel good story.


As compared to this:

Men In Training

 

 

 

 

MILF Realtors

Now that my house is on the market agian, I am changing my agent to this company. I don't care if the house ever sales.

 

MeMe from Kim

My good looking and very sexy friend Kim sent me this meme and I promised her I would post it. Do it if you want to – however, if you do please tell me so I can enjoy you answers.

1. Do you like Blue Cheese? Absolutely!
2. Have you ever smoked heroin? No! But I have smoked pork and silmon.
3. Do you own a gun? Yes, several! Wan’a see’em, sneak into my house!
4. What flavor do you add to your drink? Lemon with iced tea, diet coke with Jack Black, water with Scotch.
5. Do you get nervous before going to the doctor? No! It will be good or bad; either way I will deal with it. I am more curious that nervous.
6. What do you think of hot dogs? I like to eat’em, but I don’t think about’em much.
7. Favorite Christmas movie? Bad Santa!
8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Black Coffee!
9. Can you do push ups? Yes – one!
10. Age? War Baby! (Age before Baby Boomers)
11. What's your favorite piece of jewelry? My college class ring and my wedding band.
12. Favorite hobby? Blogging (though I am thinking of getting out of the business)
13. Favorite Actor? Tom Sellick!
14. Do you have A.D.D.? Yes, I think so - with a little S.U.B.T.R.A.C.T thrown in.
15. What's one trait you hate about yourself? My propensity to tell everyone, “Fuck You.”
16. Middle name? The Smart Ass!
17. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment? 1. How sever will the storm brewing outside be tonight? 2. Sweet Tea wants to go to Wal-Mart, will this storm dampen (get it, hahahaha) her desire to go? 3. Do I have to pee?
18. Name 3 things you love to eat. Steak, Chicken, Catherine Bell.
19. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink? Tea, Diet Coke, Coke Zero!
20. No Question 20 – I guess it got lost in the shuffle somehow.
21. Current dislike right now? Barrack Hussein Obama!
22. Favorite place to be? At a race track or with my grandkids.
23. How did you bring in the New Year? In bed with Sweet Tea and the grandkids watching the big apple and the Georgia Peach come down.
24. Where would you like to go? Back to Japan! or To Heave, but not tonight.
25. Name three people who will complete this? Him, Him and Her.
26. If you could change the color of your eyes (without having to wear contacts) would you? No! They are something I don’t have to look at so they don’t bother me as long as they keep working.
27. What shirt are you wearing? Hawaiian pull-over!
28. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets? NO! They are two slippery and hot. You have to throw sand on the bed to get traction with your knees and toes. Then you sweat from the heat they hold in.
29. Can you whistle? Yes! Especially at Special K and Christine.
30. Favorite color? Blue! I’ll post a color chart that tells you about your sexual desires if I can find it.
31. Would you be a pirate? Sure, it beats being a teacher.
32. What songs do you sing in the shower? ‘How big I am, how big I am; no body knows how big I am’, and along with #32 – ‘Many brave hearts are asleep in the deep so beware. Bee Eee Eee Eee Wwwaaaaarrrreeee! (In my deepest base voice)
33. Favorite girl's name? Bitch!
34. Favorite boy's name? Ass Hole!
35. What is in your pocket right now? Which pocket? One has a knife, another has my good luck coin, six dollars and eighty seven cents, another has my wallet and the last one has lint.
36. Last thing that made you laugh? My gay brother, Sister Stephen, fawning over one of my sister’s doctors at the hospital today and a scene in Two and A Half Men.
37. Best bed sheets as a child? Clean white cotton sheets. My mom had no imagination!
38. Worst injury you've ever had? Right hand crushed in an industrial accident. I live though!
39. Do you love where you live? It’s okay!
40. How many TVs do you have in your house? Four!
41. Who is your loudest friend? I don’t have friends!
42. How many dogs do you have? Four!
43. Does someone have a crush on you? I don’t think so! Though there are a few who would like TO crush me.
44. What is your favorite book(S)? ‘We Were Soldiers Once… And Young’ by Joe Galloway and Hal Moore; ‘Bury My Heart At Wounded Knee’ by Dee Brown, ‘The Civil War Trilogy: Gods and Generals / The Killer Angels / The Last Full Measure’ by Jeff and Michael Shaara
45. Where were you born? In the hospital in Atlanta.
46. What is your favorite candy? Baby Ruth!
47. Favorite Sports Team? Don’t have one. I do love NASCAR, though!
48. What song do you want played at your funeral? I don’t care, I won’t be there.
49. What were you doing at 12 A.M.? Blogging and watching TV.
50. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? I have to get up and get to the hospital to be there when the doctor shows up to talk about my sister. She isn’t doing so well and, well, she is like my mother. If you have any prayers lying around that you don’t need, Mary could use a few.

Logic

Two rednecks, Jimbo and Bubba, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Jimbo turns to Bubba and says, 'You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes.'

Bubba thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day, Jimbo goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.

'Logic?' Jimbo says. 'What's that?'

The dean says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?'

'Yeah!'

'Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard.'

'That's true, I do have a yard.'

'I'm not done,' the dean says. 'Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.'

'Yes, I do have a house.'

'And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.'

'Yes, I have a family.'

'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.'

'I am a heterosexual. That's amazing; you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater.'

Excited to take the class now, Jimbo shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bubba at the bar. He tells Bubba about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

'Logic?' Bubba says, 'What's that?'

Jimbo says, 'I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?'

'No!'

'Then you're a queer.'

Prohibition Poster Girls

If you were around in 1919 (just before prohibition started) and came upon the following poster...

 

I mean seriously, would you give up drinking?

Why Italians Can't Be Paramedics

Vinny and Sal are out in the woods hunting when suddenly Sal grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.

Vinny whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "I think Sal is dead! What should I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence .. and then a shot is heard.

Vinny's voice comes back on the line,

"Okay... now what ?"

Pubic Hare

 

One For The Women & One For The Men

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of well known Chinese sex therapist Dr. Chang.

So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room Dr. Chang said, 'OK take off all your crose.'

The woman did as she was told.

'Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.'

Again the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr. Chang then said 'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.'

So she did.

Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said, 'Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary diease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.'

Worried the woman asked anxiously, 'Oh my God Dr.Chang what is Ed Zachary Disease ?'

Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, 'Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass.’

*****

And for us older men, Willie Nelson put it best when, on his 75th birthday said, ‘I have outlived my dick.’

YOU CAN'T FIX STUPID

 

Finkelstein's & Jesus

Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem when He decided that He really needed a new robe.

After looking around for a while, He saw a sign for Finkelstein, the Tailor. So, He went in and made the necessary arrangements to have Finkelstein prepare a new robe for Him. A few days later, when the robe was finished, Jesus tried it on and it was a perfect fit.

He asked how much He owed. Finkelstein brushed him off: 'No, no, no, for the Son of God? There's no charge! However, may I ask for a small favor? Whenever you give a sermon, perhaps you could just mention that your new robe was made by Finkelstein, the Tailor?'

Jesus readily agreed and as promised, extolled the virtues of his Finkelstein robe whenever He spoke to the masses.

A few months later, while Jesus was again walking through Jerusalem, He happened to walk past Finkelstein's shop and noted a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein's robes.

Finkelstein spotted him and he said: 'Jesus, Jesus, look what you've done for my business! Would you consider a partnership?'

'Certainly,' replied Jesus. 'Jesus & Finkelstein it is.'

'Oh, no, no,' said Finkelstein. 'Finkelstein & Jesus. After all, I am the craftsman.' The two of them debated this for some time.

Their discussion was long and spirited, but they soon came up with a mutually acceptable compromise. A few days later, the new sign went up over Finkelstein's shop:

 

I'm Back

Perhaps you notice I wasn’t around this past week. It was a busy week and I didn’t have access to a computer the whole time. I stared the week off with a trip to the mountains with Sweet Tea and the grandkids. Went for a mountain train ride, tubed down a river, enjoyed a day of rain, then I had to leave on Thursday for a dog trip to New York. On Tuesday, while we were on the train ride, we got a call from our real-estate agent telling us that the sorry pile of infested dog shit people who put a contract on our house had lied about their income, debt to income ration and other shit. In short, we are back to square one. After three months of riding all over North Georgia and finding a great place on nine acres in the small town of Nicholson, we had to cancel that contract, too. BTW, Kenny Rogers is moving to Nicholson, too. I wonder if he will have a double-wide?

Then, to add to the pleasures of my life, I slept late in New Jersey, where I had to pick up a dog to bring back to Georgia. Then I had a three hour wait to go five miles in Washington, DC. The four lane I-95 was cut down to one lane for road construction. I got back to drop off the dog and the empty cages around 10:30 Saturday night. I then took off for the cabin in the mountains, a 50 mile trip down Georgia highway 53. I was using Agnis, my GPS system, to go back. Around 11:45 my ‘Low Gas’ light came on. I knew I had around three gallons left so I took Agnis off the windshield and punched in a location for a gas station. One came on the screen that showed being three and a half miles away. I was told to turn left on a road three miles down the road. The left turn was a dirt road – nothing unusual in the North Georgia Mountains. But this dirt road ran on for over three miles and the GPS ran out of information. I passed old churches, houses and grave yards. So I turned around and went back to the road and turned left again.

This time Agnis told me to turn left onto a road in about a half a mile. This too was a dirt road that went nowhere. So I double back thinking to myself that I was wasting gas and had to find a station opened after midnight soon. Agnis sent me up a third dirt road and I was getting very concerned that I would run out of gas some three miles up a dirt road and some good-ol-boy would come up to my window and tell me, ‘Yo sho to a purty mouth.’ Coincidently, I was listing to The Grand Old Opery on the radio and the set playing was bluegrass music with banjos a wailing. So I drove back to the main road, changed gas station locations on the GPS and then drove to the address, which was a trailer – someone’s home.

I set there thinking I had driven about 15 miles on the hayride of a trip, so I decided to just stay on the main road until I found a station or run out of gas. At least I was on a fairly used hardtop road. After about 5 miles I saw the glow of lights above the trees on my left. I drove another three miles and came to the exact road in Ellajay I need to get back to the cabin and there was a gas station, a Waffle Kind (kind of like a Waffle House) and other stores. I had to cross Highway 5 to get to the station, but had to wait for the light to turn green. When it did, I drove to the station, which was on a hill, and as I turned into the place my engine sputtered and died. I coasted to the pump. I gave a little prayer of thanks to my co-pilot (not that dame slut of a navigator, Agnis.)

The thing that made it so bad was that back in New Jersey, fifteen hours before, I pulled a muscle in my back, just below the shoulder blades loading the dog into a crate and drove all the way home in pain and discomfort. I had to gas up several times on the way back and could hardly bend over to pump the gas, much less climb in and out of the van. I had been on the phone with Sweet Tea on and off the whole time, but I didn’t tell her about my back until after I got gas at the station in Ellajay. When I got to the cabin, she had a couple of hotdogs and 450 extra strength Tylenol waiting for me (actully it was on four tablets.) I was walking stooped over and she was telling me I should have told her. Why? She worries enough. No need to add to the worry. But I can tell you one thing, though. I was awfully glad to lie down in that bed.

Of course the kids had us up early. Each one came in and set on the bed telling me about their horse back ride with Marni and Carl (who came up while I was gone) and Sweet Tea. J-Man showed me his finger were he got stung by a wasp. I got up in time to help pack the van for the trip home. My back felt fine after the drugs and sleep.

Now I have to read a weeks worth of blogs so I'll talk to ya later.

Men and Womens Prayers

WOMAN'S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.


A MAN'S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
huge boobs and a nice ass who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

I'm Boiled Peanuts - Sept 27th

Here is a fun one to try. What's Your Southern Sign?

Some Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people that read them. However, if we are to ever fully understand all the star signs and the people they represent, we need symbols that all true Southerners understand. See the list below:

OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20): Are tough on the outside but tender on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. You can do something good each day if you try.
______________________________________________

CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19): Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A Chitlin, however, will make something of himself if he is motivated and has lots of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful - they may surprise you. They can erupt like Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra.
______________________________________________

BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - March 20): You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. You love to stay busy and tend to work too much. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.
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MOON PIE (March 21 - April 20): You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. A cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. You always have a big smile and are happy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.
______________________________________________

POSSUM (April 21 - May 21): When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don't-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy but seems to work for you. You are a rare breed. Most folks love to watch you work and play. You are a night person and mind your own business.
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CRAWFISH (May 22 - June 21): Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, and the bathtub to the living room. You tend not to be particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads.
______________________________________________

COLLARDS (June 22 - July 23): Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the melting pot of life and share their essence with the essence of those around them. Collards make good socia l work ers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Crawfish. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.
______________________________________________

CATFISH (July 24 - Aug 23): Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one's whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You Catfish are never easy people to understand. You run fast. You work and play hard. Even though you prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life, you are liked by most. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.
______________________________________________

GRI TS (Aug 24 - Sept 23): Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese, gravy, bacon, butter, or eggs and a good time. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things; that serves you well. You are pure in heart.
______________________________________________

BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 - Oct 23): You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best, your friends and loved ones, may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.
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BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 - Nov 22): Always invite a Butter Bean to a party because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life, and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too,shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.
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ARMADILLO (Nov 23 - Dec 21): You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle and kind inside. A good evening for you--old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms, and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but a Possum is another somewhat interesting mating possibility.

Hippie Chick

Ever wonder what happened to those cute and crazy hippie girls that did drugs in the 60's?

 

I believe I use to date her in Long Beach back in the Navy days. She looks like a 'Pike Chick.' You have to have been in Long Beach to undersand that one.

However she wasn't a friend.

Friends are like butt cheeks.
Crap might separate them,
But they always come back together.

Sayings

My sister, Stephen, sent this to me. It is a collection of sayings on plaques that can be hung on a wall or placed on a desk. Some of them hit pretty close to home for me.

I just wanted you to know that I have entered the Snap Dragon phase of my life.
Part of me has snapped and the rest of me is dragging.

I don’t Skinny Dip;
I Chunky Dunk!

I only have a kitchen
because it came with the house.

I’m not 60 something;
I’m $54.95 plus shipping and handling.

I don’t have hot flashes;
I have Short, Private Vacations in the Tropics.

A balance diet is…
Chocolate in both hands.

Born Free!
Now I’m Expensive!

Liver and Cheese

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The aroma in the air tells them she is expecting a suitor.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, panting and slobbering on themselves hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."

She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?"

"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.

"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.

He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says....

 

Liver alone; cheese mine.

A Hunting Story of E.Craig

Our friend e.craig is an avid hunter. He decided to add a black bear to his stuffed animal collection, so he researched the area that would give the best chances. He then went out, properly outfitted with an elephant gun and in short order found the perfect black bear. He aimed, fired... and missed the black bear by mere inches. The bear then cut a wide circle and pounced on e.craig from behind. Upon landing, the bear said, "It is unfortunate for you that you missed. However, I haven't been getting any lately, so I offer you this choice: either I pound you to pieces right here and now, or you let me have my way with you. Your choice!" Since e.craig did not desire being forcibly scattered all over the forest floor, he acquiesced.

Two hours later, he used every last remaining bit of his strength to crawl back to his trusty truck for a long sloppy drive home, all the while plotting the methods of revenge against this black bear.

He decided the weapon of choice this time was a bazooka. "To hell with the trophy.” he said, "This sucker's TOAST." He trained with the weapon for a month to assure inside-outside knowledge of its capabilities. Once he felt he was ready, e.craig went back out in pursuit of his furry black foe.

It wasn't long before he found the bear; he picked up the bazooka and had the bear in dead aim. Right at the precise moment he pulled the trigger, a large mosquito landed on his aiming arm and bit, causing e.craig to blast a 10-foot wide crater 20 feet to the right of the black bear. Whereupon the black bear cut a wide circle and pounced on e.craig from behind. Upon landing, the bear said, "It is unfortunate for you that you missed, and you must be one hell of a lousy shot. However, my odds haven't improved much and at the same time I am very hungry. So, either I eat you - bones and all, or you 'let me'. Again, your choice!" As hellish as e.craig’s last experience was, he wished not to be eaten alive; again, he acquiesced.

Three hours later, it took everything e.craig had to get back to his trusty truck and attempted to drive home safely, during which he rethought his plan of attack.

E.craig’s new weapon of choice was an AK-47, logic being that if he doesn't get the first shot, there will be many others right behind it. A month of hard work and training later, e.craig felt he was ready to try again to eliminate the black bear.

Not too far in the woods, he sees the black bear, along with 2 brown bears, consuming the latest capture. "No witnesses on this one", e.craig cockily says as he picks up the '47 to aim. Unfortunately, this weight shift caused a twig to break loudly under his left foot; all three bears' heads lift and spin in e.craig's direction. E.craig, petrified, could not get off one shot as all three bears cut a wide circle and tackle him. The black bear is on e.craigs back and the brown bears land on each side, effectively trapping him. All three bears huskily whisper, in perfect unison:

"You don't come here for the hunting... DO you, e.craig?"

Lost In Translation

At least he is learning English.

Baby Boomers

Did I post this before? I can't remember!

Just One Day

One day, a long, long time ago.......

there lived a woman who did not whine, nag or bitch.

But this was a long time ago.......

and it was just that one day.

The End

Bendy Lady

Is it just me? Doesn't this look creepy? But then again, I bet she is loads of kinky fun on a date.

However, I heard that when she is drunk she is as stiff as a board.

Htilery On Gun Control

Hillary Clinton, the questionable lead Presidential Democrat Party candidate is for banning all guns in America. She is considered by those who have dealt with her as more than just a little self-righteous.

At a recent rural elementary school meeting in North Florida, she asked the kids and the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, she started to slowly clap her hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, she said into the microphone, 'Every time I clap my hands, a child in America dies from gun violence.'

A young voice with a proud southern accent (probably little Coffeypot) from the front of the crowd pierced the quiet: 'Well stop clapping, ya stupid bitch!'

Senior Citizens; We Are Where It's At

Senior citizens are constantly being criticized for every conceivable deficiency of the modern world, real or imaginary. We know we take responsibility for all we have done and do not blame others

HOWEVER, upon reflection, we would like to point out that it was NOT the senior citizen who took:

The melody out of music,
The pride out of appearance,
The courtesy out of driving,
The romance out of love,
The commitment out of marriage,
The responsibility out of parenthood,
The togetherness out of the family,
The learning out of education,
The service out of patriotism,
The Golden Rule from rulers,
The nativity scene out of cities,
The civility out of behavior,
The refinement out of language,
The dedication out of employment,
The prudence out of spending,
The ambition out of achievement, or God out of government and school.

And we certainly are NOT the ones who eliminated patience and tolerance from personal relationships and interactions with others!!

We do understand the meaning of patriotism, and remember those who have fought and died for our country.

Does anyone under the age of 50 know the lyrics to the Star Spangled Banner?

What about the last verse of My Country 'tis of Thee?

"Our father's God to thee, Author of liberty, To Thee we sing. Long may our land be bright, With freedom's Holy light. Protect us by Thy might, Great God our King."

Just look at the Seniors with tears in their eyes and pride in their hearts as they stand at attention with their hand over their hearts!

YES, I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN!

I'm the life of the party … even if it lasts until 8 p.m.
I'm very good at opening childproof caps - with a hammer.
I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.
I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing you're saying.
I'm very good at telling stories ... over and over and over and over....
I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not nearly as cute as mine.
I'm so cared for - long term care, eye care, private care, dental care.

I'm not really grouchy; I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, lawyers,
loud music, unruly kids, Toyota commercials, Tom Brokaw, Dan Rather, barking dogs, politicians, and a few other things I can't seem to remember right now.

I'm sure everything I can't find is in a safe, secure, place… somewhere.

I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg.

I'm having trouble remembering simple words like...

I'm beginning to realizing that aging is not for wimps.

I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days, and since when did they let kids become policemen?

I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?

How can my kids be older than I feel sometimes?
I'm a walking storeroom of facts but I've just lost the key to the storeroom door.

Yes, I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my
life!

Now if I could only remember who sent this to me, I wouldn't send it back to them, but I would send it to many more!

Have I already sent it to you???
If so, I'll try not to do it again (for a while.)
What? This is an email, isn’t it?

NJ or Bust

I am on the road again heading for Lindenwold and Pompton Lakes New Jersey with a load of puppies and adult dogs. I won't be back until Wednesday afternoon, so y'all be good and don't do anything I wouldn't do - which leaves the door pretty much open all the way.

I'll leave you with this little ditty:

Nominated as the world's best short joke of the year...

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.

I haven't Shot My Wad Yet E.Craig

After a short stay in America,
Michelangelo's "David" returned to Europe........

 

And for those of you who have headaches from slapping your forehead, I encourage you to take a dose of this…

 

Thursday Humor

 

ALSO:

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, 'Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.'

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, 'Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live.'

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, 'In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.'

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, 'Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny.'

Again, Bruce instantly replies, 'Our allowance. Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine.'

Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this. 'Well Bruce, it seems like you have every thing figured out I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?'

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, 'Well, we've been lucky so far.'

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.

And Thanks To Mary:

A man is walking by the zoo when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to devour her right in front the little girl's screaming parents.

The man runs to the cage, hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the man brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter has seen the whole scene, and addressing the man, says: 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life.'

'Why, it was nothing,' said the man, 'really, the lion was behind bars and I knew God would protect me just as He did Daniel in the lions den long, long ago. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt was right.'

'I noticed a bible in your pocket.' said the journalist.

'Yes, I'm a Christian and was on my way to a bible study.' the man replies.

'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow papers will have this in first page.'

The journalist leaves. The following morning the man buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on first page:

'Right Wing Christian Fundamentalist Assaults African Immigrant and Steals His lunch.'