Thirty things a Southern Boy would NEVER Say

 

30. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen.

29. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.

28. Duct tape won't fix that.

27. Come to think of it, I'll have Wine Cooler.

26. We don't keep firearms in this house.

25. You can't feed that to the dog.

24. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.

23. Wrestling is fake.

22. We're vegetarians.

21. Do you think my gut is too big?

20. I'll have grapefruit & grapes instead of biscuits & gravy.

19. Honey, we don't need another dog.

18. Who gives a damn who won the Civil War?

17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

16. Too many deer heads detract from the décor

15. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.

14. Trim the fat off that steak.

13. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

12. The tires on that truck are too big.

11. I've got it all on the C: drive.

10. Unsweetened tea tastes better.

9. My fiancée, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.

8. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.

7. Checkmate.

6. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.

5. Hey, here's an episode of 'Hee Haw' that we haven't seen.

4. I don't have a favorite college team.

3. You Guys.

2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Betty Mae.

AND NUMBER ONE THING THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY:

1. Nope, no more for me. I'm driving!

Sad Statistic

According to the U.S. Census Bureau:

9,000 people are screwing right now,
2,000 are kissing.
100 are getting head, and
1 lonely fucker is reading blogs.

Pray for me!

Dog Rules

Again I am copying from on of my blogger friends again - Nekked Lizzard. But I only copy the very best and post them to a new mess of peeps. You have my permission to pass along anything you see here, too.

Dog Rules
1. Dogs are never permitted in the house. The dog stays outside in a specially built wooden compartment named, for very good reason, the dog house.
2. Okay, the dog can enter the house, but only for short visits or if his own house is under renovation.
3. Okay, the dog can stay in the house on a permanent basis, provided his dog house can be sold in a yard sale to a rookie dog owner.
4. Inside the house, the dog is not allowed to run free and is confined to a comfortable but secure metal cage.
5. Okay, the cage becomes part of a two-for-one deal along with the dog house in the yard sale, and the dog can go wherever the hell he pleases.
6. The dog is never allowed on the furniture.
7. Okay, the dog can get on the old furniture but not the new furniture.
8. Okay, the dog can get up on the new furniture until it looks like the old furniture and then we’ll sell the whole damn works and buy new furniture...upon which the dog will most definitely not be allowed.
9. The dog never sleeps on the bed. Period!
10. Okay, the dog can sleep at the foot of the bed.
11. Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you, but he’s not allowed under the covers.
12. Okay, the dog can sleep under the covers but not with his head on the pillow.
13. Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you under the covers with his head on the pillow, but if he snores he’s got to leave the room.
14. Okay, the dog can sleep and snore and have nightmares in bed, but he’s not to come in and sleep on the couch in the TV room, where I’m now sleeping. That’s just not fair.
15. The dog never gets listed on the census questionnaire as “primary resident,” even if it’s true.

Thanks, Randy!

Did'ja know...

And from my friend Mary:

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cunference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a-head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium, at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes in-verse.

22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults, practice safe sects!

Good TV; Good Music

The Andy Griffith Show was some mighty good tv, folks. One of the cast of characters in Mayberry was The Darlings. The group's real name is really The Dillards. Below is one if my favorite songs from the show. The Dillards are still playing - minus Charlene (Maggie Peterson.) I have posted the same song from the show and now.

This was then:


This is now:


Fun and pretty, huh?

I guess we have all aged, too? Huh?

Marvin (The Hidden Psyche Of Coffeypot)

Meet Marvin (Coffeypot) the male answer to Maxine.

 

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None! It should be opened when she brings it.
--------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat
a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
--------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....'
--------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
--------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
--------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
--------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
--------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
--------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
--------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.

DONT STOP NOW!
I have posted three or four down below. I usually don't post more that one a day, but I will be gone on my dog run till Saturday afternoon, so this will have to hold you till then. READ ON, PEEPS

Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Then The Fight Started

A woman was standing nude, looking at herself in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband "I feel horrible.
I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."

Her husband replied "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."



And then the fight started. . . .

I copied this from Scarlet. Sorry! I had too.

I'm off on my monthly dog run tonight. I will take my laptop along so keep the stuff comming.

Sign Posted At The Golf Club

 

Sign Posted At The Local Golf Club

1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please... while others are preparing to go.
10. Don't take extra strokes.
Very good! Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off.

The Sneeze

 

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and then visibly
shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, but the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, 'I couldn't help but notice you sneeze, wipe your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?'

She replied, 'I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition, whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm.'

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. 'I have never heard of that condition before', he said. 'Are you taking anything for it?'

The woman nodded, 'Pepper.'

Warning From Pakistan

This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America's supply of convenience store managers, and possible candidates for President of the United States.

And if this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell and AOL customer service reps, and then Motel 6 managers.

It's getting ugly?

Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns and Other Stuff

 

Dear Coffeypot: I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work in my Volvo 1800 leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom having sex with the neighbor lady. I am 32, my husband is 34, and we have been married for twelve years.

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.

He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila


Dear Sheila: An 1800 stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum lines and hoses on the in- take manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps. – Coffeypot.

*********

 

In another bit of news, I am on my way to Charleston, SC, for my Navy Reunion and I won't be back home till Sunday afternoon. I'll be taking my laptop, but you know how it is when the Navy hits town. Especial the guys I served with. We'll drink a couple of beers, tell a lie or two and then go to the room and fall asleep.

I can't do that shit anymore.

The above picture is some guys who served in the 60's, including some survivors from the sinking. I am on the second row, third from left. My pal, Quartermaster Chuck is on the top row on the left, and my good friend Chief Earl is two over from Chuck. Now you know why we don't paint the town red anymore. We can't even color with crowns and stay inside the lines anymore. We are over the hill, I tell ya. Okay! It's just me. They will be partying all night. I'll yell at them to keep it down, but they won't hear me.

See y'all later.

Almost True Story

The Presidential election was too close to call. Neither the Republican candidate nor the Democratic candidate had enough votes to win. There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the sportsmanlike way to settle things. The candidate that caught the most fish at the end of the week would win the election.

Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice fishing contest between the two candidates to determine the winner. After much of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest take place on a remote frozen lake in northern Minnesota.

There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this isolated lake and return at 5 P.M. with their catch for counting and verification by a team of neutral parties. At the end of the first day, John Mc. returned t o the starting line and he had ten fish.

Soon, Obama returned and had no fish. Well, everyone assumed he was just having another 'bad hair' day or something and hopefully, he would catch up the next day.

At the end of the 2nd day John Mc. came in with 20 fish and Obama came in again with none.

That evening, Harry Reid got together secretly with Obama and said, 'Obama, I think John Mc. is a low-life, cheatin' son-of-a-gun. I want you to go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see just how he is cheating.'

The next night (after John Mc. returns with 50 fish), Harry said to Obama, 'Well, tell me, how is John Mc. cheating?'

Obama replied, 'Harry, you're not going to believe this, but he's cutting holes in the ice.'

Experience Counts!

Just To Let You Know

I haven’t felt good lately. I got a new PCP and went in to meet him and see if he needed any new test for me. You see, I have been having chest pains and a sore arm for about three months now. Nothing serious, just like a pin prick in my chest and a slight pain in my left arm. The EGK showed some slight problem on the right side of my heart, so he sent me to a Cardiologist. He agreed that there was a slight problem, but he wasn’t too concerned right now. I’m glad he isn’t concerned because I am concerned enough for both of us and there is no use in him being upset. After all, it isn’t his heart.

Next week Sweet Tea (I think I am going to call her by her name, Judy, from now on. The handle fits, but she is Judy to me.) and I are going to Charleston, SC, next week for my Navy reunion. So I will enjoy the fellowship of some true heroes and swap a few lies as sailors tend to do. But the following week I will start my heart test.

I am scheduled to have a Nuclear Stress Test. Umm! I guess that is a test where they put a virtual visor over my head and set off a nuclear explosion with full sound. I then imagine they check to see if you shit your pants or have a hard-on. I’m not sure how I will react, but to be safe I will be wearing a pair of Depends.

I am also trying to pass a kidney stone. This little bastard is beginning to get the best of me. It is stuck on the lower left side and is in a location where nothing can be done. I have had lithotripsy twice before to get rid of stones. One on each side but several months apart. What they do is put pads on the body, one in front and one in back and send sound wave pulses though the body that burst up the stone. It is painless, but does leave a red spot or burses. They can’t do it with this one because the stone is in front of my pelvis and the echo impulses cannot go through. So I have to wait it out.

It is difficult to stand straight up. It is like someone has put an ice-pick in my gut. I have been in bad pain for the last two days, although the stone has been stuck for over a week. Yesterday I could only walk a half a mile to my normal three miles at the track. The pain cause me to walk differently and thus caused my legs hurt. So I decided after the first lap that I was beautifully fit enough for one day, so I went home early. Today I made two miles before I quit. I’ll do my three miles tomorrow or die trying - or maybe not.

Anyways, I feel like shit. But there are those of you out there that are suffering a lot more than I am. My friend, Jim Latchford for example. He is recovering from bypass surgery and is having a bit of a time of it. I read about others of you that are not in the best of shape, so I could be worse off. So I’ll stop complaining now.

Finally – I hope!

 

After 14 years, OJ (Obscene Jerk) may get what's coming to him.

His trial for robbery and kidnapping starts today in Las Vegas, and, if he is convicted, could be sent to life in prison. If there is a God – and no Liberals in Las Vegas – he will finally get what’s coming to him. It's just a shame it wont be the needle.

Even today he is the poster child for the miscarriage of justice. Maybe this time his prosecutors will concentrate on the evidence and the pursuit of justice instead of climbing all over each other like two gerbils in heat as the first two prosecutors did.

We’ll see!

It Wasn't Me

I often send out emails with the stuff I post so that my non-blogging friends can get a glimpse into my life and all the weird things that I come across. After sending out a copy of my last post I received an email back from one of my lady friends. She described an incident she had at the post office. But before you read it, I have to tell you, IT WASN’T ME standing behind her. I never go to the post office.


I was in a horribly long line at the post office and a man walked in behind me.

I heard him making weird noises.
At first I thought he was huffing and puffing because he was impatient. I turned slightly and saw him reach down grab the front of his shorts -- and I realized that he had two big wet spots in the crotch area.

Now I just turned away - but he kept making noises and I was very uncomfortable and wondered if anyone else noticed him.

There was a very pretty girl about two people ahead of me - and I was suspicious that she was the object of his ...uh... whatever.

Or else, he had to go potty really really badly and didn't have the common sense to get out of line and go find a public toilet.

I'm sorry that I have no more to tell you -- because I refused to turn around again.

What’s really sick about this story is that he didn’t wash his hands before he went to lunch.

Another Reason Why I Can't Go Back To The Doctor

As men age, we tend to end up seeing more and more of the medical establishment.

For example, my family doctor recently referred me to a female urologist. I saw her yesterday and she is gorgeous. She's beautiful and unbelievably sexy.

She told me that I must stop masturbating.

I asked her why, and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you..."

Another Reason Why I Can't Go Back To Church

Can You Relate

Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate baby boomers.

They include:

Herman's Hermits --- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker
Ringo Starr --- I Get By With a Little Help from Depends
The Bee Gees --- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip
Bobby Darin --- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash
Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face
Johnny Nash --- I Can't See Clearly Now.
Paul Simon--- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
The Commodores --- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom
Marvin Gaye --- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts
Procol Harem--- A Whiter Shade of Hair
Leo Sayer --- You Make Me Feel Like Napping
The Temptations --- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone
Abba--- Denture Queen
Tony Orlando --- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall
Helen Reddy --- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore
Leslie Gore--- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To
Willie Nelson --- On the Commode Again

Coyote Problem

How Ironic ..

The Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the tree-huggers had a ‘more humane’ solution.

What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive; the males would then be castrated and released. Therefore the population would be controlled.

This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Grower's Association by the Sierra Club and the USFS.

All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally, an old rancher in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand our problem.

Those coyotes ain't fuckin' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em!'..."

REDNECK BOOK OF MANNERS

I was reading my daughter, Marni's, blog about her encounter with road rage and I got to thinking (and I don't do that very often because of the headaches) that there are people out there who will be visiting the South or, worse yet, moving down here. So to make your visit, or your damn move, easier I am posting some tidbits about Southern manners. I’ll entertain answers to your questions after you finish. I may not answer them, but I will certainly entertain them.

Tips From the Redneck Book of Manners:
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. Its considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

Dining Out:
1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.

Entertaining In Your Home:
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.

Personal Hygiene:
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

Dating (outside the family):
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
4. Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, "Ya'll sure don't sweat much for a fat broad."

Weddings:
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.

Driving Etiquette:
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not burn rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

Two Reasons why it is hard to solve a Redneck Murder:
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.

Stuttering

I borrowed (stole) this from Turckindog’s site. I had to share it with my peeps.

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
“Human Beings are the only animals that stutter,” she says.
A little girl raises her hand. “I had a kitty-cat who stuttered,” she volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
“Well, she began, “I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and, before I knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard.”
“That must have been scary,” said the teacher.
“It sure was,” said the little girl. “My kitty raised his back, went Ffff, Ffff, Ffff, Ffff… and before he could say ‘Fuck,’ the Rottweiler ate him.”

Say What??

His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make a low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for CNN Cable News,' he responded. 'And I need to get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, ’So, what you're telling me, is... you're NOT my flight instructor?????

ALABAMA IS ON ALERT

 

This news just in: All of the Wal-Marts across Alabama sold out of ammunition as of yesterday. A reliable source said that one of the purchasers commented that while Russia may have invaded Georgia, they sure as hell ain't doin' it to Alabama.

My Philosophy

We all have our own philosophy toward life. This is pretty close to mine. It is pretty accurate, too.

Grandparents

WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?
(Taken from the papers written by a class of 8-year-olds.)

Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of her own. They like other people's.

A grandfather is a man & a grandmother is a lady!

Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.

When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.

They show us and talk to us about the color of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.'

They don't say, 'Hurry up.'

Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.

They wear glasses and funny underwear.

They can take their teeth and gums out.

Grandparents don't have to be smart.

They have to answer questions like 'why isn't God married?' and 'How come dogs chase cats?'.

When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.

Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grown ups who like to spend time with us.

They know we should have snack-time before bedtime and they say prayers with us every time and kiss us even when we've acted bad.

A 6 year old was asked where his grandma lived. “Oh,” he said, “she lives at the airport and when we want her we just go there. Then when we’re done having her visit, we take her back to the airport.”

Grandpa is the smartest man on earth. He teaches me good things but I don’t get to see him enough to get as smart as him.

It's funny when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.

Customer Service

 

I become confused when I hear these terms which reference the word 'service’:

Internal Revenue ‘Service’

Telephone ‘Service’

Internet ‘Service’

T.V. ‘Service’

Civil ‘Service’

City & County Public ‘Service’

Customer ‘Service’

This is not what I thought ‘service’ meant. But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' a few cows.

BAM!!! It all came into perspective. I now understand what all those 'service' agencies are doing to us.

I hope you are now as enlightened as I am.

Or This

The Genius Of Paul Hunt

I copied this from my new bolg friend TRAILBOSS and it absolutely puts serious gymnast to same. Go to YouTube and watch all his performances. He is 5'1" and 140 lbs. of pure ability and humor.

SEE!

LAS VEGAS and THE CHURCH

LAS VEGAS CHURCHES ACCEPT GAMBLING CHIPS

 

THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS, BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.

NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.

SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.

THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS
ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.

THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.

More Random Musings For Tuesday

This is in honor of all your parents. Dixie made me think of it.

 

This is for all you who brush your teeth.

 

And this one is for all you folks who missed out me showing you my balls. This was in 1948 and, unfortunately, they are about the same size again.

 

Tuesday Humor - or Not

Speaks for itself!

 

There is a dick head in the pool.

 

My new dog.

 

And from my friend, Mary:
IF MY BODY WERE A CAR...

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ... But that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it --

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or laugh.....

either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires.

Medical Alert From The CDC - Be Aware

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.

This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues, or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises. Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER).
Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to your friends. If you do not have friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

Don’t forget to check out the sayings of Will Rogers below. The man knew how to say IT.

Words Of Wisdom From My Main Man, Will

Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest sage this country has ever known. His sayings, muses and comments are too many to post here, so enjoy the following selections:

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading; the few who learn by observation and the rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral:

When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

ABOUT GROWING OLDER...

1. Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

2. The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

3. Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

4. When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

5. You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

6. I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

7. One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

8. One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

9. Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

10. Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.

11. If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.

Greetings From Another Place

I’m sitting here on a bed in my boxers (steady girls) at the Tavelodge in Winchester, VA. This is my first post away from home on my new laptop. I took Mary Taitt’s advice and picked up one so I could still blog when I am transporting the dogs for Dr. Amber.

I left home at 6:00 PM yesterday and drove the 60 miles to Jefferson, GA (home of Jefferson Speedway and Road Atlanta) to pick up the little dudes and dudetts. This time I had 4 poodle puppies, two terrier puppies and 6 adult and 10 mixed breed puppies. Small load this time.

But I have driven 1,533 miles since leaving home. I have about 450 more miles left to go to tomorrow. But there is a full moon and going over the mountains at the Yadkin Gap in North Carolina and Virginia makes for some pretty viewing.

But, needless to say, I am tired, so BYE!

Career Options

After my retirement I became board sitting around the house, so I started looking into a career change.
I considered going into the medical profession.

 

Then I considered working for the Government as a spin master.

 

I even considered being a chef.

 

I settled, instead for being a Blogger. The pay isn’t that good, but the harassment I receive is worth it.

General Stuff

This is RWA doing his 'Door Checking' at the bar.

 

This is me as a kid.

 

I've Found Inner Peace

My Blogging Firend, Tookie Tail, posted this and I though I would share it with my peeps, too. But read quietly because I didn't tell her I was steeling it and she might hear you if you read out loud. Shuuuuu!

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we all could use more calm in our lives.

I have finally found inner peace.

A friend proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a chocolets.

Yu haf no idr who fkin gud I fel. Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee AR in ned ov inr piss.

Cake Time

I saw this and it made me think of my new blog buddy, Moooooo35.

 

Would you like a cake like this for your birthday?

Tuesday Humor

My brother, Sister Stephen, e-mailed these to me and I just know you want to see them. Especially if you fly often.

Airline Announcements:
* United Flight Attendant announced, 'People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!

* On landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have. '

* 'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane'

* An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying our airline.' He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.

She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?'

'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?'

The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?'

* As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: 'Whoa, big fella, WHOA!'

* After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, 'Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell everything has shifted after a landing like that.'

* Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: 'We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.'

* Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!'

* 'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.'

* 'As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses......except for that gentleman over there.'

* Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City. The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, 'That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt.'

* After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.'

* Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: 'We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways.'

* Heard on a Southwest Airline flight - 'Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.'

* A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom. 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!' Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'

A passenger in Coach yelled, 'That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!'

A Little Sunday Humor

EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH

 

This is the level of dedication we expect from all staff - keep up the good work!!!

Overheard in a Socialized Medicine Hospital
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph’s Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?"

The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."

After a few minutes t he operator returned to the phone and said, "Oh, I have good news, her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday."

The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me anything"
*****
Why It's Important To Understand English
I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.

Short line! Just one lady in front of me… an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated.

She asked the teller, 'Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?'

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, ‘Fluctuations’.

The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people, too'.

Sounds From the Stall

Amy, over at Mish Mash, posted about a bathroom conversation she had with a little lady and it reminded me of this bathroom prank seen on the Graham Norton show. Sharon Gless and Tyne Daily of Cagney and Lacey fame used a microphone to talk to each other. The speakers were in two stalls in the ladies room. This is hilarious.

Be real careful of what you hear in a bathroom because you might be on candid camera.

National Health Care Doctor

Model sues surgeon for obvious reasons.

 

The surgeon was quoted as exclaiming...
'Looked right to me'.

I wonder if he performs circumcisions, too.

Good Ole Mountain Advice

ADVICE FROM AN OLD TENNESSEE MOUNTAIN MAN
But it works in other States, too.

 

*Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
*Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.
*Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
*A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
*Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
*Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
*Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
*Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
*It doesn’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.
*You cannot unsay a cruel or unkind word.
*Every path has a few puddles.
*When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
*The best sermons are lived, not preached.
*Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
*Don't judge folks by their relatives.
*Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
*Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
*Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
*Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
*If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
*Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
*The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.
*Always drink upstream from the herd.
*Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
*Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
*If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
*The bottom line is 'Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest up to God.'

The Wrong Man

 

My fellow Americans:

As your future President I want to thank my supporters, for your mindless support of me, despite my complete lack of any legislative achievement, my pastor's relations with Louis Farrakhan and Libyan dictator Moamar Quadafi, or my blatantly leftist voting record while I present myself as some sort of bi-partisan agent of change. Not to mention that if I were not black I wouldn't be here in the first place.

I also like how my supporters claim my youthful drug use and criminal behavior somehow qualifies me for the Presidency after 8 years of claiming Bush's youthful drinking disqualifies him. Your hypocrisy is a beacon of hope shining over a sea of political posing.

I would also like to thank the Kennedy's for coming out in support of me. There's a lot of glamour behind the Kennedy name, even though JFK started the Vietnam War, his brother Robert illegally wiretapped Martin Luther King, Jr. and Teddy killed a female employee with whom he was having an extra marital affair and who was pregnant with his child. And I'm not going anywhere near the cousins, both literally and figuratively.

And I'd like to thank Oprah Winfrey for her support. Her love of meaningless empty platitudes will be the force that propels me to the White House.

Americans should vote for me, not because of my lack of experience or achievement, but because I make people feel good. Voting for me causes some white folk to feel relieved of their imagined, racist guilt.

I say things that sound meaningful, but don't really mean anything because Americans are tired of things having meaning. If things have meaning,then that means you have to think about them.

Americans are tired of thinking. It's time to shut down the brain, and open up the heart. So when you go to vote in the fall election, remember don't think, just do. And do it for me.

Thank You.

Barack Hussein Obama, Jr.

Jim Is Down But Not Out

One of my blogging buddies, Jim Latchford, is having open heart bypass surgery today. If you have a minuet, how about sending up a prayer or good vibes or what ever your preference is, to help him through the day and the next few weeks as he recovers. He's a good dude and deserves the moral assistance.

Tell Me Guys - What Color Is Her Hair

 

 

Love may be blind, but you won't need glasses to see this bride.

Chaplin - My Main Man

CHAPLIN

 

This is my main man, Chaplin (Chappie) who thinks he is a dog. Here he is in his tuxedo with the big button on his shirt. Doesn’t he look dashing with his little mustache? That’s how he got his name; because he looks like Charlie Chaplin. But he is a gentleman, too. Nutless, but gentlemanly just the same.

He greets me when I come in the door and walks with me through the house looking back over his shoulder ‘talking’ the whole time. He will keep on talking as long as you talk back to him. It’s easier if you give him yes and no questions, though.

He lies on my chest when I am reclined in my chair and licks my chin. When he wants to be rubbed between the ears or under the chin, he will bump his head against my chin. He comes into the bathroom when I get out of the shower talking to me as if to say, “It’s about time, dude. You know I am going to lick the water off your feet and ankles, don’t ya?”

He greets everyone who comes in the house and questions everything they do – until they pet him.


This is one of his favorite resting places.

 

At night, not matter what time I go to bed, he jumps up and goes to my left side, lies down and puts his front paws and head on my left arm. Later, if I stay on my back, he will climb on my chest and lay there looking like the Sphinx and stares at me.

He will also climb on by arm and shoulder when I roll over on my side. As soon as I go to sleep, he will jump down and crawl under the bed for the night.

If I get up during the night, he is right there with me.

We are just two old men hanging together.

Watch For Bears

 

The Law Of...

Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

Law of Gravity - Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Law of Variation - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.

Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theater - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrives last.

Law of Starbucks - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Law of Doctors Visits - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

Fat Boy From The Man Show

I love this kid. I want to be just like him when I grow up.

AND

The Language Of Sex

In a small town, an elderly couple had been dating each other for a long time. At the urging of their friends, they decided it was finally time for marriage.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.

"Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say ... I would like it infrequently."

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and casually asked ....

"Is that one word or two?"