Thursday, August 27, 2009

The Economy Is So Bad That...

 
THE ECONOMY IS SO BAD THAT:

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Jewish women are marrying for love.

Even people who had nothing to do with the Obama administration aren't paying their taxes.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

Obama met with small businesses to discuss the Stimulus Package: GE, Pfizer, and Citigroup.

McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

A truck of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

The most highly paid job now is jury duty.

Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

People in Africa are donating money to Americans.

Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, "Finish your plate, do you know how many kids are starving in the US ?"

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

And finally...
...Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Hey, neat! The guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $750 billion disappear.
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Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Monday, August 24, 2009

TWITTER

Many of you who have heard the term ‘TWITTER’, but you do not know where the word comes from. Thanks to my buddy, Scotty, over at Trukindog (see my blog roll,) I can now give you how it was derived.

 


You are welcome!
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Because I'm A Man...

 
As a part of my offering continuing education I now present you with a tidbit of things women need to understand about men.

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA is not an option. I will win.
______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, 'I used to be able to fix these things, but now
with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start.' We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of holy communion.
_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.
_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like beer, milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like 'thyme' or 'tofu.' For all I know, these are the same thing.
_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it.....though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator..... ( applies to engineers mainly ).
_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.
_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it.
And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.
_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you cried at the end of it, I didn't; and if you are feeling amorous afterwards....then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.
_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2009, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest...... Like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.

This has been a public service message for women to better understand men.

You’re welcome!
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Sunday, August 23, 2009

When

 
Being in what some people call the Autumn of ones life (I think it is more like deep December, really) I have been wonder about things that happened in my life. One of the things that has me stumped is ‘When…’

When did I stop playing on the front porch and start playing in the backyard? Was it a specific day; gradually, one step in and out or just walked out and played? My next-door neighbor had chickens in the back yard. Was that what pulled me off the porch?

When did I stop running and started to walk? I use to walk out the door (no running it the house) and within three steps would be running full speed down the road. When did I stop? Was it a gradual thing or did it happen overnight. When I turned 13 and was too cool to run? I don’t know.

When did I stop riding my bicycle? My most favorite Charismas present of all time was my bicycle. I was eight years old and the bike was a 26 inch monster that, when I stopped and had to put my foot on the ground, my right knee was up next to my ear. Did I just lay it down one day and not pick it up again? Why?

When did it become too dangerous to ride my bike in the road? I was raised on Bolton Road in NW Atlanta - before I-75, I-20, I-285 and any road with more than two lanes. Bolton road was a major artery to I-41 (now just a highway with malls and Wal-Mart’s and Home Depot’s lining the road. But back then Bolton Road was a very busy truck route and I walked and ran up and down the road, rode my bike in and out of the traffic daily - and get this, without a helmet. Cars would pass us at 35 mph and be within three feet of us. No one ever got hit by a car. Now kids aren’t allowed out of the cul-de-sac. When did it change? I never knew anyone who had head injuries from falling off a bike. We knew how to step off the bike if it went down. I did hear of broken arms and legs from falling off bikes, running into trees, bushes or street signs, but no head injures. But I also heard of broken arms and stuff from falling out of trees and playing sports and stuff, too. I liked my bike riding era better than today’s riders.

When did I first notice girls were different and not a play buddy? I remember playing Roy Rogers and Dale Evans (I was Roy, by the way) with my neighbor three houses up, Susie Cowart. I remember having these strange feels and wanted to see her naked. So under the house we went and examined each others parts. Didn’t know exactly what to do, but I knew I liked it. She was 5 and I was 6. We tried this several time…till we got caught. We didn’t get to play much after that. But that was just her. I didn’t wonder about other girls till much later. But did I wake up one Tuesday morning and think, damn girls are nice? Wonder what’s up that dress? And why am I hard in the mornings when I wake up…and sticky? What was that dream about???

When did it not be accepted and cool to take a girl on a date riding the streetcar (that was before we had busses)? You had to have a car. I remember taking the bus to the Rec Center in Grove Park (about 10 miles away) but not be able to really get serious with a girl because I didn’t have a car to take her to outside? Before, because of WWII and then Korea, teens dated by using the streetcar, trolley and busses, (depending on what part of town you lived.) But one day it wasn’t cool to ask someone out and meet her at the bus stop anymore. Was it a Friday, or a September… When?

When did I realize I wasn’t afraid of girls? Like many boys before me, when I was at the movies and I had a date or just met some friends at the Saturday matinee, I would pretend to stretch and let my arm come down around her shoulder? The look on their faces let you know you were a dork. So then I just did it. When did I get so brave….11:00 on a Saturday morning? And when did I learn that, with your arm around their shoulder you hand was in the perfect position to feel her boob? Soar ribs from the elbow, but, damn they felt good.

That was just the beginnings of life. There are plenty of ‘When’s' in my adult life, too, such as when did it not become important for me to be in front of every fucker on the road - had to pass everyone. When did it become less important that I always had to be right (or that I am still right, just not worth arguing about it?) When did it happen that no one listens to me or care what I have to say? And more recently, when did I realize that I am old and useless and lonely and stuff?

You ever wonder ‘When’? No! Okay, I guess I am still a dork.

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Friday, August 21, 2009

It's All About Ass

 
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Baggage Handling Complaint

I have seen this before - think I even e-maild it out at one point, but it is still funny and close to true.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Questions

 
***Another one just came in:
Hi Coffepot
If you could re-do one thing in you life over what would it be and why? - Lindi
Today, right now, it would have to be marring the second time. Just not happy right now.


***One more question from RWA

Southern (in)Sanity said...
If you could eat at the Waffle House three meals a day for an entire week, would you order the same "breakfast" each day? If so, what would it be?
I only got there once, sometimes twice a day. But if you are talking just breakfast:

Fiesta Omelet with sliced tomatoes instead of grits or hash browns.

Cheese and eggs with country ham and cheese grits.

Biscuit and gravy with bacon.

A bowl of cheese grits with bacon.

Occasionally steak and eggs with tomatoes.

Grill cheese with lettuce and tomatoes like a sandwich.

All starting with a cup of black coffee and a diet coke with the meal.

I don’t eat the something every time. I vary it.




Okay, so there wasn’t a big rush to the question trough, but for those of you who did, her are the awnsers - for good or bad.

Special K said...
Alright Coffey, are you caffeinated or decaffeinated? HA OK real question. Boxers or briefs! BWA HA HA OK I can't think of a real question but feel free to answer the above.
I am definitely CAFFEINATED - I can keep you awake all night - talking my ass off.
Sometimes briefs but mostly Boxer-Briefs - the best of both worlds. Unless I’m running around Commando, which is often in the summer.



Eddierude said...
Where is your empirical evidence that Bush was a successful business man?I went over to your blog and see that you are just a Bush Basher and nothing I can say will help your pitiful attitude. First of all, Bush isn’t around anymore. He’s out of the limelight, so let it go. It’s old and boring. Secondly, I don’t care if he was a successful business man, he WAS a great President. He did not succumb to political pressure and bogus surveys like the Clintons did, and he stayed the course in keeping America safe. During most of his term the economy was great, unemployment was the lowest in over 50 years and it wasn’t until the Dems took over and the Liberal media stoked up its negative press that he was beat down emotionally. Obama is dangerous for this country and will have us bankrupt before his term is over if the American people don’t come together and defeat is ass. Finally, everyone is entitled to an opinion and yours will be allowed here anytime as long as you are civil. But you are from Canada and therefore have no say into what MY President does. I never comment on the bullshit that goes on in Canada because, mainly I’m not that versed in Canadian politics, and I feel that is your issues. So no, I cannot give you empirical evidence becaue it simply does not matter and is not important in anything. But at least he did have a job, unlike Obama. Obama lama is where his at because he rode a wave of ‘look how cool we are for voting for a black man.’ He has sounded himself with convicted criminals, tax evaders and radical scum from the Chicago political system, one of the most vile and corrupt in the country. He is a joke and a conman and an embarrassment to Real American.

dana said...
Does your wife know you have access to the computer?
I can’t walk and chew chewing gum at the same time, so she used that as birth-control. Give me a stick of gum as we were going to bed and it was over for the night. She slept well and I had jaw cramps. But I got wise and quit chewing gum. So she bought me a laptop and a lap desk. Now I spend all night blogging, Face Booking and Tweeting. It works out great because SHE is getting to old for nightly romps.

Anonymous said...
Did you inhale?
T

Anon T, so deeply my toes emitted smoke. Back in the day when booze and weed were a big part of my life, I also raced on a couple of the area bullrings. The nights were spent either working on the car, and drinking afterwards or at one of the guys homes drinking and munching out and inhaling. It is a very dangerous combination because you can choke easily on snacks and laughing your ass off at the same time. One night we were really blitz and Chris was sitting right next to the television screen staring at it. This was back in the day before cable and the stations actually went off the air at midnight and the screen was white with little black dots and a hissing sound. Remember? Anyway Chris was sitting there staring at the screen and he turned to me and said, "Johnny (back in the day I was called Johnny becasue no one had yet to realize the brilliance and the depth that only a John could handle,) look at this shit." I set down next to him and was wondering what was going to happen when Ron looked over our shoulders and ask what was going on. Chris said, "This is so cool, man. Johnny and I are watching the ant races. I pulling for this one right here (pointing at a dot)." I almost choked on my beer laughing at that dumb-ass. So yeah, I inhaled.

Hope said...
If u had to loose one of your five senses which one and why?
Smell! Everthing else is so cool and beautiful to see, feel, hear and taste (though this is tied into smell). But I would give up smelling a rose or a fart or a nasty cooter to enjoy everything else.

What place would you like to vacation that you haven't been.
Australia/New Zeeland, I have friends there that could put on a great vacation; Alaska for the beauty and savagery of the wilderness, Austria and Ireland for the castles, and I wish I was rich enough to own a motor home and travel all over the great USofA on the back-roads.

Okay? Did that do the trick for ya?

*****

I have spent the last two days reading some of your older blogs and following links to some of your peeps blogs, too. Not all of you, but some of you. I didn’t comment on the stuff I read because they are a year or two old. I was just reading for pleasure. I am fortunate to have some pretty damn good writers in my blogging community and it has been fun reading our stuff.

But on one of the sites I ran across this idea that seems kind of dangerous but fun. So I though I would try it.

I know you guys stay awake at night wonder about who I am, where I come from, how did I get to be so wonderful and shit like that.

So here is your challenge - or is a challenge for me - ask me ANYTHING you want to know. Every question will be answered. Now let’s face it, I can’t give you the answer to the meaning of life or what the winning lottery numbers are, but if you want to know anything about me or my life, ask away in the comments section. The time frame? I’ll come back with answers on Thursday. If there are no takers and there are no questions, then I’ll post a joke or two.

Right now I will leave you to ponder your questions with these little tidbit from Andy Roonery:

ANDY ROONEY ON SEX

Impotence: Is nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings…”

There are three stages in a man's life:
Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.

Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?
Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.

Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact with women?
Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.
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Monday, August 17, 2009

It's A Coming...

From my friend Robyn, a true Soutehrn Bell:

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the passenger lounge in Bozeman, Montana , while waiting for their respective flights.
 

One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer, another is a Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show, and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana State University from Iran.

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull. The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table, tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face, and lights a cigarette. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes.

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks: 'At one time here my people were many... but sadly, now we are few.'

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, 'Once my people were few,' he sneers, 'and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?'

The cowboy removes his cigarette from his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a smooth drawl…


 

'I reckon that's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe...it's a-comin.'
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Sunday, August 16, 2009

Special Notice From The Pentagon

 


The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the "United States Redneck Special Forces".

These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma, Tennessee and Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music, or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

We expect the problem in Iraq to be over by next Friday.
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More Definitions

 

Here are some more medical definitions from the Red Neck Dictionary to aid you in conversations with those of us blessed to be from the South. You know the saying, “American By Birth - Southern By The Grace Of GOD”

A pubic hair is a type of wild rabbit.
Asphalt describes rectal problems.
A condom is a large apartment.
Douche is the French word for "twelve.
Genitals are people of non-Jewish descent.
A Diaphragm is a drawing in Geometry.
Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke.
An Erection is when Japanese people vote.
A Dildo is a variety of the sweet pickle.
An Umbilical Chord is part of a parachute.
Spread Eagle is an extinct bird.
A Menstrual Cycle has three wheels.
The Clitoris is a type of flower.
Testacles are found on an octopus.
Kotex is a radio station in Cincinatti.
Masturbate is used to catch large fish.

You're welcome!
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Saturday, August 15, 2009

I'm a Libra - But I Was Raised Baptist

I got this from Mikey over at Rambling Stuff
fun quiz for myspace profile and blog


Give it a try and post it on your site. No??!!?? Chicken!

Thursday, August 13, 2009

New York or Bust

 
**EDIT** I left the house yesterday at 2:00 p.m. and I haven't had any sleep since. Well, I kinda did. I think I slept from just outside Harrisburg, PA, through Maryland and West Virginia and woke up as I was coming into Winchester, VA. I'm talented like that. Kinda like one of those "Watch This Shit..." things us Southern boys are use too. So I am in a motel and will try to get some shut eye - if I can get off this damn computer. But I have a few favs I have to check out first. TaTa!

It's that time of month, again. I am off to New York for another transport of man's best friend. I have another one scheduled on the 27th, too. The Vietnamese and Chinese restaurants must be running specials this month.

Anyways, some of you people of the Northern persuasion often have a difficult time understand God’s chosen language, English, spoken the way it should be spoken. So to help you understand the King’s English a little better, here is a translation chart for ya. I will start with Medical Terminology.

Arteery............The study of fine paintings.
Barium.............What you do if CPR fails.
Benign.............After you be eight.
Cesarean Section...A district in Rome.
Colic..............A sheep dog.
Coma...............A punctuation mark.
Congenital.........Friendly.
Dilate.............To live longer.
Fester.............Quicker.
G.I. Series........Baseball for soldiers.
Grippe.............A small suitcase.
Hangnail...........A coat-hook.
Medical Staff......A doctor’s cane.
Minor Operation....Coal digging.
Morbid.............A higher offer.
Nitrate............Lower than day rate.
Node...............Was aware of.
Organic............A church musician.
Outpatient.........A patient who has fainted.
Post-Operative.....A letter carrier.
Protein............In favor of young people.
Secretion..........Hiding something.
Serology...........Study of English Knighthood.
Tablet.............A small table.
Tumor..............An extra pair.
Urine..............Opposite of you’re out.
Varicose veins.....Veins that are close together.

Now, don’t ya feel smarter?

You’re welcome!
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Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Contort This

 
Two women were talking about their lives since they had become nursing home residents.

They both agreed that life was good but one woman, Ethel, said she was rather upset because her sex life had really died since she and her husband had come to the nursing home.

The other woman said that her sex life was great. “The secret t great sex is this,” the woman told her, “when my husband is getting ready for bed, I get undressed, lay on the bed and put both legs behind my head. When he comes out and sees me like that he gets so excited, we have wild sex the rest of the night.”

Ethel says, “I’m going to try that tonight.”

When Ethel’s husband is getting ready in the bathroom that night, she takes off all her clothes and sits on the side of the bed. Although it was a struggle, she gets one leg up and behind her head. Pretty soon, she got the other leg behind her had as well. After accomplishing this great feat, Ethel falls backward and can’t move.

Not long afterward her husband comes out of the bathroom. With a shocked look on his face, he yells, “For God’s sake, Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in, you look like an asshole.”

The divorce proceedings start on Monday.
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JUST SAY NO

 
My friend sent this to me and I strongly advise all of you to read this. I cannot understand why anyone, any American, would consider something like this. The main thing is does is give POWER to the government. POWER over every part of your life and POWER over you finances, decision making and if you should live or die because of your age.

Read the link, too. Yes, this is time consuming and it takes an effort for you to read it. Much like why ObamaLama wants so he can rush it through. Don't let the fucker do it to us.


I QUESTION this administration because I don’t think what our president is pushing (with great urgency, as if trying to hide things - whatever happened to this transparent administration we were promised?) is in the best interest for our country and its citizens, and anyone who tells me I don’t have the right to express my concerns for the United States we're leaving our children can cordially kiss my ass. Everything we allow the government control over is one less liberty we have. There are answers and solutions that wouldn’t and SHOULDN'T involve government control.

Just a few reasons I'm against Obama's health care plan. Please feel free to cross reference.


http://www.hudsonvilleteaparty.com/images/H.R.3200-HealthCareBill.pdf


Page 22 of the HC Bill: Mandates that the Govt. will audit books of all employers that self insure. Excuse me?

Page 30 Sec 123 of HC bill - THERE WILL BE A GOVT COMMITTEE that decides what treatments/benefits you get.

Page 29 lines 4-16 in the HC bill: YOUR HEALTH CARE IS RATIONED


Page 42 of HC Bill: The Health Choices Commissioner will choose your HC Benefits for you. You have no choice!

Page 50 Section 152 in HC bill: HC will be provided to ALL non US citizens, illegal or otherwise. Who's paying for that? Exactly.

Page 58 HC Bill: Govt. will have real-time access to individuals finances & a National ID Health card will be issued

Page 59 HC Bill lines 21-24: Govt. will have direct access to your banks accounts for elective funds transfer..

Page 65 Sec 164: is a payoff subsidized plan for retirees and their families in Unions & community organizations: (ACORN).

Page 84 Sec 203 HC bill: Govt. mandates ALL benefit packages for private HC plans in the Exchange.

Page 85 Line 7 HC Bill: Specifications for of Benefit Levels for Plans - The Govt. will ration your Healthcare.

Page 91 Lines 4-7 HC Bill: Govt. mandates linguistic appropriate services. Example - illegal aliens.

Page 95 HC Bill Lines 8-18: The Govt. will use groups i.e., ACORN & Americorps to sign up individuals for Govt. HC plan.

Page 85 Line 7 HC Bill: Specifications of Benefit Levels for Plans. AARP members, your Health care WILL be rationed.

Page 102 Lines 12-18 HC Bill: Medicaid Eligible Individuals will be automatically enrolled in Medicaid. No choice. So much for choosing your plan.

Page 124 lines 24-25 HC: No company can sue GOVT on price fixing. No "judicial review" against Govt. Monopoly.

Page 127 Lines 1-16 HC Bill: Doctors/ American Medical Association - The Govt. will tell DOCTORS what they can make! (salary)

Page 145 Line 15-17: An Employer MUST auto enroll employees into public option plan. NO CHOICE!

Page 126 Lines 22-25: Employers MUST pay for HC for part time employees AND their families.

Page 149 Lines 16-24: ANY Employer with payroll 401k & above who does not provide public option pays 8% tax on all payroll.

Page 150 Lines 9-13: Business's with payroll btw 251k & 401k who doesn't provide public option pays 2-6% tax on all payroll.

Page 167 Lines 18-23: ANY individual who doesn't have acceptable HC according to Govt. will be taxed 2.5% of income. WHAT?

Page 170 Lines 1-3 HC Bill: Any NONRESIDENT Alien is exempt from individual taxes. (Americans will pay)

Page 195 HC Bill: Officers & employees of HC Admin (GOVT) will have access to ALL Americans finances /personal records.

Page 203 Line 14-15 HC: "The tax imposed under this section shall not be treated as tax" Yes, it says that!

Page 239 Line 14-24 HC Bill: Govt. will reduce physician services for Medicaid Seniors, low income and poor are affected.

Page 241 Line 6-8 HC Bill: Doctors, doesn't matter what specialty you have, you'll all be paid the same! So where's the incentive to offer the best care?

Page 253 Line 10-18: Govt. sets value of Doctor's time, profession, judgment etc. Literally the value of humans.

Page 265 Sec 1131: Govt. mandates & controls productivity for private HC industries.

Page 268 Sec 1141: Federal Govt. regulates rental & purchase of power-driven wheelchairs.

Page 272 SEC. 1145: TREATMENT OF CERTAIN CANCER HOSPITALS. Cancer patients - welcome to rationing!

Page 280 Sec 1151: The Govt. will penalize hospitals for whatever Govt. deems preventable re-admissions.

Page 298 Lines 9-11: Doctors, treat a patient during initial admission that results in a re-admission -and the Govt. will penalize you.

Page 317 L 13-20: PROHIBITION on ownership/investment. Govt. tells Doctors what/how much they can own!?!?!

Page 317-318 lines 21-25, 1-3: PROHIBITION on expansion- Govt. is mandating hospitals cannot expand.

Page 335 L 16-25 Pg 336-339: Govt. mandates establishment of outcome based measures. HC the way they want. Rationing.

Page 341 Lines 3-9: Govt. has authority to disqualify Medicare Advance Plans, HMOs, etc. Forcing people into Govt. plan. How convenient for them.

Page 354 Sec 1177: Govt. will RESTRICT enrollment of Special needs people! Unbelievable!

Page 379 Sec 1191: Govt. creates more bureaucracy - Tele-health Advisory Committee. HC by phone?

Page 425 Lines 4-12: Govt. mandates Advance Care Planning Consult. Think of Senior Citizens as end of life patients. Best to get them on their way ASAP. See below.

Page 425 Lines 22-25, 426 Lines 1-3: Govt. provides approved list of end of life resources, guiding you in death. (assisted suicide)

Page 427 Lines 15-24: Govt. mandates program for orders for end of life. The Govt. has a say in how your life ends.

Page 429 Lines 1-9: An "advanced care planning consultant" will be used more frequently as patients health deteriorates.

Page 429 Lines 10-12: "advanced care consultation" may include an ORDER for end of life plans. AN ORDER from GOVT TO END YOUR LIFE! THE LIFE OF YOUR PARENT! THE LIFE OF YOUR CHILD!

Page 429 Lines 13-25: The govt. will specify which Doctors can write an end of life order.

Page 430 Lines 11-15: The Govt. will decide what level of treatment you will have at end of life! You better not get a serious illness.

Page 469: Community Based Home Medical Services Non profit organizations. That's a great idea - no incentive always works.

Page 472 Lines 14-17: PAYMENT TO COMMUNITY-BASED ORIGINATION. 1 monthly payment to a community-based organization. Like ACORN?

Page 489 Sec 1308: The Govt. will cover Marriage & Family therapy. Which means they will insert Govt into your marriage.

Page 494-498: Govt. will cover Mental Health Services including defining, creating, rationing those services.


I have to stop before I pop a blood vessel. Yes, the Health Care does need some work, but this is totally ridiculous.
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Monday, August 10, 2009

Phone Thought For To Day

 
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY...

Women are like phones:

They like to be held, talked to, and touched often.

But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected
.
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Are We Born This Way

Are Men Born This Way?


Are Women Born This Way?

Sunday, August 09, 2009

Ukraine's Got Talent

I received this from my buddy, Tom. It is incredibly awesome and beautiful how she tells her story using only her hands and sand.


She ain't bad looking, either...

Saturday, August 08, 2009

Lesson From The Ark

The Woodpecker might have to go!
 


Everything I need to know about life, I learned from Noah's Ark.

One: Don't miss the boat.
Two: Remember that we are all in the same boat.
Three: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.
Four: Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.
Five: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
Six: Build your future on high ground.
Seven: For safety sake, travel in pairs.
Eight: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
Nine: When you're stressed, float a while.
Ten: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.
Eleven: No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a rainbow waiting.
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Friday, August 07, 2009

The Confessional

 
One Sunday I go into a confessional box and say to the priest, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.”

The Priest says, “Is that you, John?”

“Yes, Father, it’s me.”

“Who was the woman you were with, my son?”

“I cannot tell you, Father, because I don’t want to ruin her reputation.”

The Priest says, “Umm, was it Brenda O’Malley?”

“No, Father.”

“Was it Fiona MacDonald?”

“No!”

“Was it Ann Brown?”

“No!”

“Was it Mary Elizabeth O’Shea?”

“No, Father, it wasn’t.”

“Was it Cathy Morgan?”

NO, Father! I cannot tell you.”

The Priest finally says, “Well, Johnny me boy, I admire your perseverance, but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be four Our Fathers and five Hail Mary’s. Now go back to your seat.”

When I got back to my pew my buddy, Chuck, slides over and whispers, “What happened?”

“Well, I got four Our Fathers and five Hail Mary’s and six good leads.”

High Five Slaps!!
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The Irishman

 
An Irishman’s been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up some.

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrives at the door he stands up and, again, falls falt. So he crawls through the door and into his bedroom. When he reaches the bed he tries one more time to stand up.

This time he manages to pull himself upright but quickly falls right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him. She shouts, “So, you’ve been out drinking again!!”

“What makes you say that?” He asks as he puts on an innocent look.

“The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again.”
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Thursday, August 06, 2009

No Teeth Down There

 
A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is waiting outside the ladies dressing room for his mom to come out. While waiting, the little boy gets bored and, spying a mannequin, wonders over to it. The mom comes out just in time to see him sliding his hand up the mannequin’s skirt.

“Get your hand out of there!” she shouts. “Don’t you know that woman have teeth down there?”

The little boy quickly snatches (bad choice of words?) his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn’t get bitten. For the next 10 years this little boy grew up believing all women had teeth between their legs.

When he was 16 he gets a girlfriend. One night, while her parents were out of town, she invites him over for a little action. After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says, “You know you could go a little further if you want, too.”

“Huh?”

“Well…why don’t you put your hand down there?” she says, pointing to her crotch.

“Hell, no!” he cries. “You’ve got teeth down there!”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” she responds, “there’s no teeth down there.”

“Yes there are,” he says, “my momma told me so.”

“No, silly, there aren’t any teeth down there,” she insists. “Here, look for yourself.” With that she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek.

“No, I’m sorry.” he says. “My momma already told me that ALL women have teeth down there.”

“Oh for Christ’s sake!” she cries. She whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head and says, “LOOK, I DON’T have any teeth down there.”

The boy takes a good long look and replies, “Well, with the condition of those gums I’m not surprised!”

She took someone else to the prom.
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Wednesday, August 05, 2009

Definitions By Gender

 

THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a helmet.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Men: Scrtching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.

BUTT (but) n.
Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
Male: What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal and good for mooning.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's wife or girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT: (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking.

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing by-product fo digestion.
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king-luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht-kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every three minuets.

I'm sure you know others...let's have'em!
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Tuesday, August 04, 2009

Old Ones on a Tuesday

 

Old ones:

A young man goes up to the bar and orders six Jagermeister’s. The gulps each one down, one after the other without pausing. The bartender ask if he has a problem or is he celebrating something. The young man shrugs and says, “I don’t know which one to say. Celebrating I guess over my first blowjob.”

“Well , in that case let me give you a seventh shot on the house.”

“No offence, sir. But if six shots won’t get rid of the taste, another one won’t make a difference.”
*****

This couple goes to bed and the husband starts rubbing his wife’s arm. The wife turns over and says, “I’m sorry honey, I’ve got a gynecologist appointment in the morning and I want to stay fresh.” He starts to turn over then turns back and ask, “ Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow, too?”
*****

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he come home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his dick into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he’d be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day, a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was wrong.

“What’s wrong, hon?” she asked.

“Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my dick into the pickle slicer?”

“Oh, Bill, you didn’t.”

“Yes, I did.”

“My God, Bill, what happened?”

“I got fired.”

“No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer and are you alright?”

“Oh…I’m fine but she got fired, too.”
*****

A man was making his daily visit to the hospital where she has been in a com for years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor, who says this is a good sign and suggest he should try rubbing the right breast to see if there is any other reactions. So he goes back in and rubs her right brest and she lets out a moan. From this the doctor suggest he go back in and have oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act. About 5 minutes later and white as a sheet, the man comes out and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened to which the man says, “She choked.”
*****

Have a fun Tuesday, Peeps!
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Sunday, August 02, 2009

Sales Pitch

Whether you own a dog or not, you must appreciate the efforts of this owner to sell her dog.

Read the sales pitch!

 

Dog For Sale
Free to good home. Excellent guard dog.

Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore, as there are no more drug pushers, thieves, murderers, or molesters left in the neighborhood for him to eat. Most of them knew Jethro only by his street name,'Holy Shit.'
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Friday, July 31, 2009

My New Header

What do you think of my new header? That is the ship on which I served, but it is not there for me. I wanted something to honor the 74 soles lost of 3 June, 1969, and to keep their memory alive. So I sent out feelers. The lovely and talented Hope, of Hope Radio (on my blog roll) took the time away from her huge task of raising four kids and doing milsupport for a number of Army and Marine personal, notable America’s 1st Sergeant (3rd Marines/3 Battalion (America’s Battalion) Marines in Iraq, at Castra Pretoria, also on my blog role.

I have never ask you guys for money or anything other than to vote for Dr. Amber’s group (she came in 3rd in the state and 126 in the nation, thanks to your efforts) but I will let you know that Hope does a huge selfless service by sending brownies, fans, crock pots, personal hygiene products and other items to help fight the heat those guys suffer from, and the majority of the expenses comes out of her own pocket. So if you have some loose cash (not likely in these stressful times, I know) and would like to help out our boys in harms way, go see her and click on her donation site. She could use the help. And don’t forget the 74 lost soles and their families. You can read about them at USSFEE.org.

Anchors Away…

AUSTRALIAN SINGERS TRIBUTE TO THE USA MILITARY

***Okay peeps. How do I make the comments section show up at the bottom?***

I was going to post another of the jokes I found in an old file while cleaning out my filing cabnet. But my buddy from Chicago, Quarter Master Chuck, sent this tribute to our guys and gals in the military. It is just too powerful not to pass on, so if any of you wish to do it, be my guest.
AUSTRALIAN SINGERS TRIBUTE TO THE USA MILITARY

This is about US servicemen and women:


So A Big THANK YOU goes out from me to the people down under. I'll have a pint of FOSTERS in your honor tonight.

Friday is the day of wearing of the RED in support of the troops. I have on a Red Shirt today, and having a ‘Thank You’ drink in appreciation and respect seems appropriate. Goodday, Mate!

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Who Is Obama?

Barack Obama is less of a person than an image, a brand. People see whatever they want just as they do on a Rorschach test. But does anyone really know him?

In fact, he is:

--An empty suit.
--A man with no birth certificate.
--A man who was deserted in childhood by his biological father.
--A man whose birth records, both in the United States and Kenya, are sealed by government order.
--A man whose childhood mentor, Frank Marshall Davis, spied on U.S. military installations in Hawaii for the Soviet Union, edited a communist newspaper, authored pornographic novels, and wrote poetry in praise of Joseph Stalin.
--A man mentored by and still supported by radical Muslims.
--A man who promised transparency in government, but has spent over a million dollars in legal fees hiding information that would determine his eligibility to be President.
--A former drug user.
--A man whose academic records are sealed from kindergarten through law school.
--A man who arrived in New York in June of 1981 without enough money to get a hotel room, but one month later flew to Indonesia and Pakistan. Why did he go? Who paid his expenses?
--A man who traveled to Pakistan when it was illegal for U.S. citizens to do so. So what country’s passport did he use?
--A man whose Law School Admission Test scores and grades at Columbia University are known to have been mediocre, but was admitted to Harvard Law School through the intervention of a Saudi named Khalid al-Mansour.
--A law review editor who never published an article in any law review.
--A lawyer with no significant accomplishments in the law and no reputation in the legal community.
--A former State and U.S. Senator, who never authored a piece of legislation.
--A disciple of the Marxist Saul Alinsky.
--A product of the Chicago political machine the most corrupt political organization in America.
--A man who selects Marxists, corrupt politicians, and criminals as his close political associates and personal friends.
--A man whose presidential candidacy was endorsed by the Democratic Socialists of America, the Socialist International, and the Workers International League.
--A man lauded for the literary brilliance of two memoirs, both of which were ghostwritten by others.
--A so-called Christian who says that knowing when human life begins is above his pay-grade, but somehow knows that abortion is permissible at any stage.
--A man who thinks waterboarding is immoral, but that partial-birth abortion is moral.
--A man who publicly laments slavery in America which was abolished 150 years ago but praises Islam, which still practices both slavery and the sexual mutilation of young girls.
--A man who speaks endlessly about helping the less fortunate, but gives almost none of his sizeable income to charity not even to his half-brother, who is living in squalor in Kenya.
--A man who had the most left-wing voting record in the United State Senate, but was predicted by the press to govern from the middle.
--A man who has never created a job, met a payroll, or even operated a lemonade stand, but wants to tell Detroit how to make cars.
--A President who has never before served as an executive in either the private or the public sector.
--A Commander-in-Chief who doesn’t know how to shoot a rifle, throw a hand-grenade, drive a tank, fly a plane, or con a ship.
--A Commander-in-Chief who has publicly divulged some of our nation’s most important intelligence secrets.
--A man who has been put in charge of the largest economic engine that ever existed, but has never invested in the stock market and admits total ignorance of it.
--A President who says that science will guide his administration, but has no education in the sciences.
--A man who is proficient in reading what is written for him on a teleprompter, but jerks and stammers his way through any off-the-cuff speaking.
--A man whose health records are sealed from childhood to the present day.
--A man whose educational records are sealed from childhood through law school.
--A man who spent 20 years in a church whose pastor espouses Marxist Liberation Theology, anti-Americanism, anti-capitalism, and anti-Semitism, but claims he never heard his pastor utter anti-American and anti-Semitic statements.
--A man who added more to the National Debt in 100 days than all other Presidents did in the past 220 years, yet feels qualified to lecture Americans about fiscal responsibility.
--A man who publicly expressed disdain for the20U.S. Constitution on a Chicago radio station because it limited the governments ability to redistribute wealth.
--The first American President to bow before a foreign head of state a Muslim dictator.
--A man who sits and listens submissively while his country is castigated by Daniel Ortega a Communist thug whose own daughter accused him of raping her.
--A narcissist who gave the Queen of England a present from the United States --an iPod containing recordings of his own speeches.
--A so-called Christian who officially declared “Gay Pride Month” for a lifestyle that the Bible calls an abomination.
--A man who wanted Americans to ignore his Muslim name during his election campaign, yet boasts of his Muslim name when he travels to Muslim countries.
--A man who can name hundreds of America’s shortcomings, yet none of its great accomplishments.
--A President who claims the moral high ground by closing Gitmo yet supports the transfer of terror suspects to countries where horrific torture is certain.
--A President who scoffed at being called a socialist yet acted to nationalize the auto industry, the banking industry, and the insurance industry . . . and now seeks to nationalize the healthcare industry.
--A President who violates private property rights, the sanctity of contracts, and the rule of law three essential principles that go back over a thousand years in the Common Law tradition.
--A man who promised 95% of all Americans a tax cut, but is increasing taxes on 100% of the population through inflation, the cruelest tax of all.
--A lawyer who represented ACORN an organization now indicted in several states for voter fraud whose stated goal is to get as many people on welfare as possible in order to destroy our financial system.
--A President who cheated GM’s bondholders by giving their property to the UAW in a political payoff.
--An American President who frequently criticizes his own country when speaking in foreign countries, but never praises America’s generosity, goodness or greatness.
--A President whose Secretary of the Treasury cheated on his taxes as did several other appointees and advisors.
--A President who, despite the current federal debt of 100 trillion dollars, wants to add the greatest debt ever by nationalizing healthcare.
--A President who scoffs at being called a socialist yet has appointed 28 Czars to circumvent constitutional government, including:
A Science Czar who has advocated compulsory abortions for American women and the surrender of sovereignty to a comprehensive Planetary Regime.
A self-professed communist as his Green Jobs Czar.
A Pay Czar to regulate the pay of corporate executives.
--A President who swore an oath to preserve, protect and defend the constitution from all enemies, foreign and domestic, yet has nominated a domestic enemy of the Constitution to the Supreme Court.
--A President whose Homeland Security Chief classified pro-lifers, veterans, and supporters of traditional marriage as terrorists.
--A President who stood silent while the Iranian government hacked unarmed protestors to death with axes, because it was an internal matter, but freely offers his opinions about the internal affairs of Israel and Honduras.
--A President who decreed that true acts of terrorism must now be described as man-made disasters.
--A President who cracks hurtful jokes about Special Olympians.
--A President who refused to intercept or inspect a North Korean ship virtually certain to be carrying Weapons of Mass Destruction to Burma.
--A President who wants to cancel all missile defenses while rogue nations are developing long-range ballistic missiles.
--An American President who blames the violence in Mexico on America.
--A Commander in Chief who claims to have been unaware that Air Force One was taken on a terrifying, low-level photo-op over Manhattan.
--A President who berates American CEOs for flying in private planes at private expense on company business, but whose wife spends hundreds of thousands tax payer dollars flying to Paris for a shopping spree.
--A President who promised a transparent administration, but requires all questions be screened before impromptu appearances.
--A man who freely admitted that his energy policies are designed to bankrupt the American coal industry.
--A President who has presided over the loss of 14.7 million jobs and whose energy policy will cause the loss of another 1 million jobs.
--A President whose energy policy will increase the average American’s utility bills by over $2,000 a year in the middle of the Great Recession.
--A man about whom liberal journalist Tom Brokaw said, There’s a lot about him we don’t know. . . .just one week before the election.


The vast majority of Americans do not know who he is, but someone surely does.

Someone paid for his travel expenses to Pakistan and Indonesia.
Someone engineered legal challenges to all of his election opponents for the State Senate and had them disqualified.

Someone straightened and leveled his path to the U.S. Senate when a Democrat Judge made public the child custody records of his Republican opponent.

When he was a candidate for the U.S. Senate, someone arranged for him to speak at the 2004 Democratic National Convention. Someone saw to it that all of his records were sealed, both at home and abroad.

Someone assembled the massive organization for his run for the Presidency.

Someone knows all about him.

Who? I bet it wasn't a freedom loving American.

Victoria's Secret No No's

 

Ten Things Men Shouldn't Say Out Loud In Victoria Secret

#10 Does this come in children's sizes?

#9 No Thanks. Just Sniffing.

#8 I'll be in the dressing room going blind.

#7 Mom will love this.

#6 Oh the size won't matter. She's inflatable.

#5 No need to warp it. I'll eat it here.

#4 Will you model this for me?

#3 The Miracle What? This is better than world peace.

#2 Fourtyfive bucks?? You're just gonna end up NAKED anhyway!!!

And the number one thing a man should never say out loud in Victoria's Secret

#1 Oh, honey; you'll never squeeze your ass into that.

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Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Obama's Dreadful Early Days

 
Via Drudge comes Camille Paglia's exasperation with Barack Obama and his churlish retinue:
Obama's staffing problems are blatant—from that bleating boy of a treasury secretary to what appears to be a total vacuum where a chief of protocol should be. There has been one needless gaffe after another—from the president's tacky appearance on a late-night comedy show to the kitsch gifts given to the British prime minister, followed by the sweater-clad first lady's over-familiarity with the queen and culminating in the jaw-dropping spectacle of a president of the United States bowing to the king of Saudi Arabia. Why was protest about the latter indignity confined to conservatives? The silence of the major media was a disgrace. But I attribute that embarrassing incident not to Obama's sinister or naive appeasement of the Muslim world but to a simple if costly breakdown in basic command of protocol.

And from a fellow concerned citized who email this to me:

Observations on the President's Early Days:
1. Offended the Queen of England.
2. Bowed to the King of Saudi Arabia.
3. Praised the Marxist Daniel Ortega.
4. Kissed Hugo Chavez on the cheek.
5. Endorsed the Socialist Evo Morales of Bolivia.
6. Announced we would meet with Iranians with no pre-conditions.
7. Gave away billions to AIG also without pre-conditions.
8. Expanded the bailouts.
9. Insulted everyone who has ever loved a Special Olympian.
10. Doubled our national debt.
11. Announced a termination of the space defense system the day after the North Koreans launched an ICBM.
12. Despite the urgings of his own CIA director and the prior 4 CIA directors, released information on intelligence gathering.
13. Accepted without public comment the fact that five of his cabinet members cheated on their taxes and two others withdrew after they couldn't take the heat.
14. Appointed a Homeland Security Chief who quickly identified as "dangers to the nation", groups including veterans of the military, and opponents to abortion on demand, and who ordered that the word "terrorism" no longer be used but instead referred to such acts as "man made disasters."
15. Circled the globe so he could openly apologize for America 's greatness.
16. Told the Mexican President that the violence in their country was because of us.
17. Politicized the census by moving it into the White House from its Department of Commerce origins.
18. Appointed as Attorney General the man who orchestrated the forced removal and expulsion from America to Cuba of a nine-year old whose mother died trying to bring him to a life of freedom in theUnited States.
19. Salutes as heroes three Navy SEALS who took down three terrorists who threatened one American life and the next day announces members of the Bush administration will likely stand trial for "torturing" a terrorist who had played a part in killing 3000 Americans by pouring water up his nose.
20. Air Force One over New York City.
21. Sent his National Defense Advisor to Europe to assure Europe that the US will no longer treat Israel in a special manner and they might be on their own with the Muslims.
22. Began the process of nationalizing the Auto Industry and the Insurance industry.
23. Announced that for all intents and purposes the Health Insurance Industry will be nationalized.

1360 more days to go... God help us all!

So...how's this 'Change You Can Count On' working for you now, Comrad?
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Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Here's To Blowing Smoke

This is another installment in my attempt to educate you in the things less important for survival. It might help you out in a Trivial Pursuit game, or win you some money in a bar contest. But that's about it.
 

You can click on it to bigger size it. I wish men could do that, too.

You'r welcome!
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