Grannydot Is Finally Happy

EDIT: Sweet Tea was having a slow moment at work today and sent me this email. She thinks I am on withdrawel after two months of GrannyDot.

Hi,
Since you are "playing" on the computer, I just thought I would mention that I need a nap…. I am tired, and ready for hibernation. It says on the news on Sunday it will be a high of 20 degrees. BRRR!!! Just thought I would drop a short note to let you know I am tired….

And to make you feel better because I know you missed this:

Could you go to Rite Aid and by me some gas X because the other stores brands aren't the same. And can you go to Wal-Mart and get me some pepsid AC for my heart burn. And then can you go to Kroger's to pick up some fiber substitute to help me go to the bathroom.. And can you go to the nature health store to get me some medicine for my gas. On the way back can you go to the pharmacy and get my prescriptions filled. Also I need some yogurt and some ice cream and some candy.

Also I am almost out of toilet paper in the bathroom because the package of 12 you bought yesterday is gone….

Do you feel better now???

ILU

 

Grannydot is as happy as a pig in shit. She has cancer. Normally that is not something I would see as being funny, but we are talking about Dot, the epitome of hypochondriac symptoms.

Just before she came down to spend November and December with us; she had a spot on her right cheek removed. If you look real close on the picture you will see a red spot just under her right eye and to the side of her nose. This is after almost two months of healing. There was an ugly hole there when she first came down that she doctored and covered up with Band-Aids (every hour.) She would ask me if it looked bad. Me! She would ask me. I would tell her that until people started puking and little kids started running away screaming, not to worry about it. Anyway, when she returned home there was a message for her to come into the doctor’s office. That is when she learned of the cancer.

Sweet Tea, who is in New Jersey for the month of January, stopped by to visit her and she said Grannydot was almost happy. She actually has a problem that is not in her head and she can brag to the other people in her building about her affliction. I think she has even forgotten about the Restless Leg Syndrome she said she had after seeing it on television one night. I know her Diverticulitis went away as soon as she discovered McDonalds put nuts in their yogurt – which she can eat now, along with her nightly bowl of ice-cream, since her Lactose Intolerance maliciously (her term, not mine) cleared up after they prayed for her in church.

She told Sweet Tea, “You remember how my nose would bleed when I blew it? It was on the other side of the cancer spot, but I think the cancer has spread behind my nose to the left side, and is in my nose now.” It didn’t matter that the air was probably too dry in the house, and the heat was up so much it would dry a wet-wipe into brittleness in two minuets. She asked me, again, silly woman, how she could stop her nose from bleeding every time she blew it. I told her to quit blowing it. Have you ever seen an 83 year old squatty body woman shoot someone a bird? I don’t know if her hand was shaking from her laughing, being mad at me, an orgasm or palsy, but it was funny.

But she is having a ball calling everyone and telling them that she is going to have to go back in and have the spot cut on again. There is another small spot that they think they missed from the last surgery. Not spreading, but just missed. She even told Uncle Sherm that shy might have to have her nose cut off.

She gets so mad when someone questions her about her problems and the amount of medications she takes. So now she actually has something to show them and she is beside herself. I think she should celebrate with a bowl of butter-pecan ice-cream, don’t you?

Ponderings and Comments

My bloging buddy, Nekked Lizard Man, posted some ponderings that keep him awake at night. I found a few more that should really keep him snoozingly impaired. Plus a few good comments, too. So, here ‘tis:

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to 'put your two cents in', but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

ALSO

It's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.

You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "smart"?

The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.

When blondes have more fun, do they know it?

Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Don't drink and drive; you might hit a bump and spill something.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.

Time's fun when you're having flies. [Kermit the Frog]

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers give the rest a bad name.

One good thing about Alzheimer's is you get to meet new people every day.

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to produce reproductive organs.

Alabama state motto: At least we're not Mississippi.

Gaseous clouds have been detected around Uranus.

GUN CONTROL: using both hands!

The more I learn about terrorism, the more I understand the phone company.

The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population.

Calling an illegal alien an "undocumented immigrant" is like calling a drug dealer an "unlicensed pharmacist."

MEME of 4's

I was tagged by Mary Stebbins Taitt over at No Polar Coordinates to do this meme. It is a List of fours.

1) 4 Jobs you have had:
1. Coca Cola Route Salesman/Sales Manager
2. Route Salesman selling Draft Beer.
3. Line Production Supervisor in Blow Mold Plastic Industry.
4. Financial Analyst.

2) 4 Jobs you would like to have had:
1. Lawyer.
2. FBI or CIA Agent
3. Professional Hit Man for the Mafia or the Government or the IRS.
4. Quality Control Inspector in a Whore House.

3) 4 Places I have lived:
1. Atlanta, Georgia
2. Long Beach, California
3. Smyrna/Marietta, Georgia
4. In my own dream world.
4) 4 Places I have been on vacation:
1. The Orlando tourist trap area.
2. Charleston, SC
3. Savannah, GA
4. All over the Caribbean.

5) 4 Places I would like to be now instead of here:
1. At sea on a cruse with Sweet Tea and the grandkids.
2. Japan
3. In the quality control room at the Whore House.
4. Where ever my mind takes me.

6) 4 Favorite foods:
1. Hamburgers
2. Spring Salads with grilled chicken breast.
3. Mexican.
4. Steaks.

7) 4 Things I like to do?
1. Read.
2. Do Crossword Puzzles
3. Beat the wife.
4. Get Christmas Cards from the Emergency Room personnel where I go for treatment after I beat the wife. She doesn’t go for it much.

4 People who might or might not respond in kind.
George Bush, Dali Lama, O.J. Simpson, Dr. Phill

God Laughs Too

 

How to tell if a Catholic is driving too fast.

 

When a Jew is on the swim team.

 

 

I See

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend with the boys and spent most of his paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied. "That would be just fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

What's In A Name

I got this from Teri over at Family Tree Junkie.

What John Means

You are fair, honest, and logical. You are a natural leader, and people respect you. You never give up, and you will succeed... even if it takes you a hundred tries. You are rational enough to see every part of a problem. You are great at giving other people advice. You are well rounded, with a complete perspective on life. You are solid and dependable. You are loyal, and people can count on you. At times, you can be a bit too serious. You tend to put too much pressure on yourself. You are truly an original person. You have amazing ideas, and the power to carry them out. Success comes rather easily for you... especially in business and academia. Some people find you to be selfish and a bit overbearing. You're a strong person. You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people. You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts. You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals.

What's Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

Then, again, there is this one:

What Coffeypot Means

You are very open. You communicate well, and you connect with other people easily. You are a naturally creative person. Ideas just flow from your mind. A true chameleon, you are many things at different points in your life. You are very adaptable. You are well rounded, with a complete perspective on life. You are solid and dependable. You are loyal, and people can count on you. At times, you can be a bit too serious. You tend to put too much pressure on yourself. You are loving, compassionate, and ruled by your feelings. You are able to be a foundation for other people... but you still know how to have fun. Sometimes your emotions weigh you down, but you generally feel free from them. You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone. You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together. At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together. You are a free spirit, and you resent anyone who tries to fence you in. You are unpredictable, adventurous, and always a little surprising. You may miss out by not settling down, but you're too busy having fun to care. You are influential and persuasive. You tend to have a lot of power over people. Generally, you use your powers for good. You excel at solving other people's problems. Occasionally, you do get a little selfish and persuade people to do things that are only in your interest. You are a seeker. You often find yourself restless - and you have a lot of questions about life. You tend to travel often, to fairly random locations. You're most comfortable when you're far away from home. You are quite passionate and easily tempted. Your impulses sometimes get you into trouble.

What's Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

Which one is more me?

For the Want of a Few Good Laughs

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old Abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

"We missed the R!
We missed the R!
We missed the R!"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was... CELEBRATE!!!”
___

A VERY ugly man walks into the bar with a big grin on his face and orders a draft beer. "What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.

"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by the railroad tracks. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the films. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!"

"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky bastard, was she pretty?"

"Dunno...Never found the head!"
____

ALL GRANDPAS, HEED THIS WARNING:

Do NOT lose your Grandkids in the Mall

My grandson got away from me Sunday at the mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,

"Jack Daniels whiskey and women with big tits."
___

STRENGTH EXERCISES FOR SENIORS

It just might work for some others too!

I came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders.

It seems so easy; I thought I'd pass it on. The article suggested doing it three days a week. Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks. Then 50-lb. potatoe sacks, and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

Once you feel confident at this level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

If Abbott and Costello Were Here Now

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer.. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business…what do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's jus t say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

A few days later....

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START!”

It would have had more meaning if Abbott had an accent from India.

Another Me Me For You You

I have been tagged to do this meme. I am suppose to link to the person(s) that tagged me, but I don’t know how to link, yet, so I’ll just say that Special K tagged me. Thank you, sweetie!

Post the rules on your blog.

Share 7 random and/or weird facts about yourself on your blog, tag 7 random people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs. Let each person know that they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

1. I cannot just sit and watch TV. I have to be doing something else like working a crossword puzzle or reading or jacking off or doodling on a TV Guide or blogging.

2. When I’m on a transport I listen to audio books.

3. I hated high school and wasn’t too fond of college, either, though I did enjoy working on my MBA.

4. I suffer with clinical depression. Nothing drastic! It’s more like what’s the use in doing this or that. And I have a problem with believing people actually like me. I guess I’ve been the recipient of too many back-stabbings and lack of loyalty to believe anything else.

5. And despite the above, I love to laugh and hear people laugh. And absolutely nothing is too sacred to not be made fun of or joked about. Including me! And I have found some of the funniest people I have ever read on this blog. You people are funnier than paid professionals and I enjoy your company.

6. I want to go back to Japan and Hong Kong to see the stuff I couldn’t afford to see as a sailor.

7. I’m the worlds oldest male lesbian. So much so that I have to garble with Drano to get the hair clog out of my throat.

That’s it for now. I'm suppose to tag 7 of you, but fuck it. The chain stops here. I won’t tag anyone else. But if you would like to volunteer, be my guest.

I love reading about you people. Your lives, the good and the bad, and you are all so interesting. I’ve laughed out loud; had a tear roll down my cheek; and I have had the desire to hug some of you.

TTFN!

CLINTON vs PROSPERITY

NOTHING ELSE NEEDS TO BE SAID

 

July Andrews Ain't Old

I got this in an email and I thought you might like to see it. It seems to be more about women, but I can relate to a bunch of this stuff.

Julie Andrews - It takes a good sense of humor to grow old.....

It wouldn't be funny if it wasn’t so true... Julie Andrews turned 69.
To commemorate her 69th birthday on October 1, actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan’s Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP. One of the musical numbers she performed was "My Favorite Things" from the legendary movie "Sound Of Music." Here are the actual lyrics she used:

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,

These are a few of my favourite things.

Cadillac's and cataracts, and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth and glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,

These are a few of my favourite things.

When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favourite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favourite things.

Back pains, confused brains, and no need for sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short, shrunken frames,
When we remember our favourite things.

When the joints ache,
When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores. Please share Ms. Andrews' clever wit and humor with others who would appreciate it.

Dot Will Leave - Yahoo

This is Dot, the love child of Jabba the Hut and the Wicked Witch of the West.

 

Just two more days and Grannydot will be gone. That’s good, but the best thing is, I’m not in jail. I try to be understanding and realize she is eighty three and all, but still…

She is the most self-centered person I have ever met. And she is nutty as a fruitcake, too.

Take for instance the night we went to see J-Man in his first band concert. We stopped for fast food because of the time. She had never had Chic-Fillet chicken sandwich and didn’t know what to order. So she looked at the menu and chose the biggest meal they offer. Sweet Tea told me what she wanted and added a fried peach pie to order. GD had to have one, too. Okay! I can live with that – if she would eat everything she ordered. But you guessed it, she at the peach pie first. Then complained that she had heartburn and wanted a stick of gum to make it go away. Just like Diet Pepsi stops her throat from clogging up when she eats pepper.

Because of Friday night traffic we were running a little late, so I told her to just sit on the front row of the gym bleachers. Well! She’ll have me know that she can climb a few steps. “Dot,” I said, “there are no railings to hold on too.” She said she that I could help her up the steps. I told her I would help her alright. I would stick my finger up her ass and march her up the steps to the top tier on her tiptoes. She said, “You just try if, mister.” I told her not to worry; I wouldn’t do that to my finger. She ended up sitting in a chair on the gym floor. Fuck with me!

She takes pills. When she dies the pill company will have to lay off twenty people. She takes pills to thin her blood because of a triple by-pass she had. That is okay. Not a problem. But she takes pills to make her shit, and pills to soften her stools and pills to stop the gas, and pills to help her cholesterol, and pills to help her digest her food and pills to help her eyes and pills for every occassion know to man that I never heard of. I ask her why she takes pills to make her shit and pills to stop gas buildup, and pills to help her see (fish oil peels.) She said her doctor said she needed them. I told her I think her body is confused. It doesn’t know rather to shit or go blind. She said I wasn’t’ a doctor and to mind my own business. I would if it wasn’t costing me a fortune in Rx and toilet paper. It is absolutely amazing how one little woman can go thought so much tp. Rolls and rolls! Of course she does have a huge ass.

For Christmas, we did something different this year and it was fun. Everyone who came over had to bring three gifts totaling less that $100. One of the gifts had to be a “white elephant” gag gift. Then we all drew numbers to see who gets the first gift. The second person can either take an unopened present from the pile or take the one the person before you had opened. Then the number one person draws another present. It’s fun, believe me. When it came to be Dot’s turn she chose the biggest box on the floor simply because she wanted to have the biggest present. Appropriately, it was a gag gift that had a Sponge Bob Square Pants toilet seat and two towels rolled up to look like a butt with a tootsie roll sticking out. She was pissed, but tried not to show it. Amber’s boyfriend, Bob, felt sorry for her (he's a liberal, ya know) and took it on his turn. I ask her why she chose something so big when she wouldn’t be able to take it on the plane when she went home. She said I could mail it to her. I said why don’t I mail her, it’s cheaper than a ticket. She pretended not to hear me. She is also selectively deaf, too.

Oh! There are many more “conversations” we have had, but I think you get the drift. She loves me and thinks I’m funny. I’m not! I’m as serious as an inflamed hemorrhoid. But she will be gone on Tuesday. Unfortunately Sweet Tea will, too. She will be in Murray Hill, NJ, for most of January. I do have another transport going to NJ and to NY on the 2nd, and I will stop and have lunch with ST, but Grannydot is out of my hair – till next Christmas. Pray for me!

A Little Humor For You

This lady is hilarious. It's my intent to give you a little humor before the start of the Christmas celebrations.

UPDATE: Did y'all not go to the site blow? You have to copy and paste, but Mrs. Hughes is hilarious.

http://crackle.com/c/High_Wire/Mrs_hughes_skewed_views/2041059/#ml=o%3D15%26fc%3D25%26fx%3D

Also, this is some experts from one of the funniest game shows ever put on television. Hollywood Squares with Paul Lynde, Charley Weaver and the gang.

If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when “Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course...
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q.When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

WE DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD, WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING

My Christmas Story

This is my Christmas story. It’s very moving, so, if you are the emotional type, stop reading now.

Little Johnny came up to his mother and asked, “Mama, what am I going to get for Christmas?”

Mama said, “Not a damn thing. You’ve been a little shit all year long.”

Little Johnny whined, “But mmaaaa maaaaa, it’s Christmas.”

Mama said, “Okay! Since the real meaning of Christmas it the celebration of the Baby Jesus’ birthday I want you to go to your room and write the Baby Jesus a letter telling him how bad your have been all year and how you are going to change. Then, if He likes the letter you MIGHT get something for Christmas.”

He takes off to his room, sits at his desk with a pencil and paper and prints, “Dear Baby Jesus, I have been a bad boy all year long and I promise that for the next 6 months I’ll…”
He pauses and thinks, “That is an awfully long time. Maybe I had better not commit to such a long time. He wads the paper into a ball and flings it over his shoulder, and begins again.

“Dear Baby Jesus, I have been a bad boy all year, but I promise that for the next month I’ll…” He stops and thinks to himself, “This is December and we have Christmas parties at school and church and New Years Eve parties, too. I’d better not commit to that length of time, either.” So he wads that paper up and slings it over his shoulder, and starts again.

“Dear Baby Jesus, I have been a bad boy all year long, but I promise that for the next…” He rips the paper up and wads it into a ball thinking, “Ah, hell! He knows me better than that.”

He runs down to the Nativity scene and grabs the Big V (Mary) and runs back to his room, locks her in his desk drawer and writes, “Dear Baby Jesus, If you ever want to see your mother again…”

Sniff, sniff. It gets to me every year.

The Final Santa Show - Unless

As I promised, this is the last of the Santa stuff, but I wanted you to see my buddies.

This is Brie and Gabby. They are, like all my animals, rescue dogs. Brie, the white one, is a Great Pyrenees/Golden Lab mix (around 110lbs.) Dr. Amber called us to say that the mother and her 3 brothers and sisters were going to be adopted. All but one. She didn’t care which one we chose, but do it that day because a rescue organization who place them was going to pick up the others. When we got there Brie walked over and sat down on Sweet Tea’s foot and would not get up. She chose us. Gabby, a Chocolate Lab (90 lbs.), had been left chained to a tree with 10 puppies. The owners had moved away. She had scars from fighting something, and was heart worm positive. We worked with her and she’s fine now.

 

These two are Nancy and Jo Jo. Nancy is a boy and Jo is a girl. The original owner couldn’t tell the difference and though he was a she – thus Nancy. Jo was tied with a rope outside Pet Smart and abandoned. Becasue she was so scared and abused, no one could get near her. Except Sweet Tea, who just happened to be there dropping off lunch to Amber and her rescue workers. The same thing happened to me when I met her. She's that kind of woman. So we brought Jo home. When Dr. Amber said she would keep the dogs at her place until we could get the house sold, Nancy ran up to greet Jo and they have been inseparable BBFs ever since. So I guess I inherited a new pet.

 

I will be leaving tomorrow night after J-Man’s band recital to deliver 32 puppies to West Palm and Boca Raton, Florida. I’ll start around midnight and try to make it a turnaround trip (without stopping at a motel,) some twenty hours. Just depends on how I feel, the traffic, and those cell phone drivers.

 

Then, either Friday or Saturday, I will be driving up to Goshin, Indiana to pick up a dog that Dr. Amber adopted out about two years ago. It became separated from the owner and a kind lady found the dog and took it to the vet. The vet found the chip in the dogs neck. She got the information and called Dr. Amber to let her know she had the dog. Dr. A called the owner of record who said they didn’t want the dog. So someone has to pick it up. She was going to drive up, but with the snow and shit up that way, I told her I would do it.

So my week will be pretty full, but the good thing is, you won’t have to put up with my shit for a few days. I can hear the yelling and whistling from here. But I promise to return with a vengeance. Besides, I have to tell you about Grannydot. Let’s just say two or three days on the road without the whining and complaining will be heaven.

I might try to tell you tomorrow before I leave – or not. Be good, folks. I do have a couple of pictures of two pugs that visited Santa for Marni and Lori. But Lori is have some problems with her Pugsley, and I don't want to maker feel any worse than she already does. So, when she says it's oaky, I'll let you see the two pugs. THEN it will be all the Santa pictures. Except maybe the one where I had to get on the floor for my Play Girl pose because the dog would not let anyone pick it up.

Later, Gator!

It Happened To ME - TWICE

For over a year, now, I have been blogging and reading blogs. I have been amazed and gratified in reading post and comments from some of the most talented and funniest group of people anyone could ever be fortunate enough to be a part of. I wish I had just a touch of the talent, intelligence and writing ability you people possess.

That is why, to my surprise, I was not only selected as a Best Bloger Buddy award, but I was selected twice on the same day.

X 2

Marni, at It’s a Pug’s Life, and Katy, at Her Indoors, both bestowed this on me. I am honored and grateful. I think I owe them money or something, but, still, I got the awards.
And part of the award is that I have to select seven, that’s 7, people to pass this award on to. But since I got two of them, I get to do 14. And that isn’t easy, either.

I chose the 14 because they post regularly and interact with me on some level. I read over 40 sites a day so those that are not mentioned, please don’t be offended. I can only do so much with so little. So, if the feelings are not hurt, here goes:

1. brother dave, my liberal democrat from the left coast. I’ll convert him, or die trying. He is funny and sarcastic. If he was a woman I would marry him.
2. coopergreen, the original lying bastard. I think he is very talented with words, and I will, yet, teach him to curse (cuss).
3. crazy cat woman, whom I admire for her guts in handling her emotional problems while still being a good mother and raising a great family. Here’s a pill to ya, hon.
4. e.crag, my very talented friend who’s only think against him is that he is brother dave’s twin brother. Bless their mom.
5. gawilli who has some cool pictures and great stories, though she looses me when she talks music, which is one of her loves.
6. family tree junkie – teri my new friend, even though she is from New Jersey, she has roots in the South, and a funny sister to boot.
7. Miss Heidi, from Hick Chick, who is one of the most enjoyable reads. She is so talented and deeper than even she knows. She and Jethro would be a pleasure to meet in person – as would all you dudes and dudets.
8. Jim Latchford, my newest friend who is never read. He has some good ideas and comments and should be read more.
9. Mary Taitt of No Polar Coordnance, who is a very talented artist and always pleased me with her photos and paintings. I wish talent rubbed off on people because, if it did, I would be on her like a duck on a June bug. I would love to be able to paint and draw like she does.
10. old lady, who is a very talented writer and has the best stories of old town and grave yards. Even though she is married to an ex-Marine.
11. rwa, another new friend and talented person. I love his radio show and his postings. He makes you think – even though I get headaches.
12. hoosiergal, J. She is my new feminist friend who want’s to… what with me? Castrate, slap, hug, kiss, have my children, what?
13. that girl – Tina, the funny sister mentioned above. She is an ex-USFA lady and that is good enough for me. But she is so much more and that makes her a joy to read.
14. Special K, another new friend that is both funny and entertaining.
Clew Blues, new, too. She tickles me more and more.
Twist-o-lemon, funny in a very open and abrupt way.

Let me see, how many more number 14’s can I use. There are just too many of you. Sorry!

Santa's Second Week - One More To Go

Here are some pictures I made last Saturday. They are made with my camera and no one knows how to zoom in to get rid of the background food supply.

This one I made of ground control. From the left is Dr. Amber, Sweet Tea, Bug, Major Tom of Ground Control (Rick) and a customer in awe of our setup.

 

This is my two elves, Bug and J-Man. They really worked hard, too. They walked the dogs, petted all the dogs and cats that came by, and inspected every item on the shelves, in the fish tanks and in the cat room. We could't have made it without their support and help.

 

This is Ruger. His only goal in life is to eat and be petted. The looks fierce, but is such a baby. Much like me.

 

Now to tell you about some of the people who come through the store. One little guy came by me riding on his heelies. You know. The sneakers with wheels in the heel? He came up to me to say hello.

“Hey, Santa!”

“Hey, bud! What’s your name?”

“Darnell”

“Man, Darnell, I would like to have a pair of heelies like that.”

“Well, Wal Mart has a pair that would fit you.”

“I bet they do, too. But I can’t find a pair with training wheels on them.”

He just gave a toothless grin and punched me on the arm and said, “Santa, you’re sooo silly.” And skated off. Little shit! Punching Santa! Humph!

The little kids who come through are awed and half are afraid to come see me. But they are so cute.

Every now and then a real nice tight fitting pair of jeans will come through. It’s much better than looking at the backs of dog’s heads all day. Thanks, ladies! Rick and I appreciate it. Ho! Ho! Ho!

Then there are the people who are wwaaaaayyyy to fat to wear short shorts and shirts that show too much midriff. I have to assume there are no mirrors in their homes.

A few come through in the full regalia complete with sequins or rinestones. Six inch heels, tight jeans or short skirts, sexy blouses and a jacket, even though it is 70 degrees outside.

We also see the pet lovers who stop and tell you all about their fostering achievements and animal rescue efforts because they are wonderful people who will have a special place in heaven. I hope it’s in the kennels there.

But most of the people coming in make it worth it. They are nice and appreciative and understand what is actually going on. They even thank Santa for his efforts and make nice comments. I just tell them to blow it out their asses and get this damn dog off my lap. It stinks and you both of you need to take a bath.

Sunday my arms were sore because I had a great many large dogs and I had to strain to keep them sitting beside me, or between my legs or in my lap until a decent picture can be made. One mastiff mix just climbed into my lap and set down on my arm and I had to hold him by the butt for several seconds. It was so funny. He was a true lap dog. There were several poses with two or three lab size dogs. Lab’s are not made to sit and pose. You have to keep a gentle pressure on their sides to keep them where you want them. And their heads are in constant motion. That’s when the little ball peen hammer comes in handy. Glad my suite is red. The most I had to pose with was four big dogs of different breeds.

Then there are the cats. Cats don’t pose. Cats climb. I found out that if I just let them set on my legs and I hold them gently, like a vice grip, by the hips, they will stay put long enough to get a picture. But they have a mind of their own and all the squeaky toys and box shaking you do to get their attention is useless.

Anyway, that’s about it for now. I won’t bother you with this stuff anymore. Except next weekend! I will have pictures of my dogs to show you. After that, no more Santa shit.

Those Were The Days

Amy, over at Mish Mash, wrote about her hard ass and her first grade experience, so I thought I would tell you about my seventh grade endeavor to be like my older brothers. Back in the 50's Atlanta there were no kindergartens or middle schools. You started the first grade and went through the seventh grade in elementary school. Then you went to high school, starting in the eighth grade (as a sub-freshman.)

My seventh grade teacher, Mrs. Stringfellow, pulled hair if you misbehaved. One day she came down the isle and grabbed me by the hair and shook my head telling me to stop talking in class. That afternoon, when I got home, one of my older brothers (10 and 15 years older) rubbed my head and said, “How’d it go today, squirt?”

I must have flinched, because he asked me what was wrong. I told him Mrs. Stringfellow had pulled my hair. He said something like; you probably deserved it, too. But when I walked out of the room I heard him tell my other brother, “If the bitch did that to me I would knock her teeth out.” That was good enough for me. If my brothers thought that was the thing to do, then it had to be the right thing. I mean, they were older and wiser.

The next day, down the row she came, grabbed a handful of hair and started shaking my head like a dog with an old shoe (guess I really got on her nerves sometimes.) So, I gave her an uppercut that caused her to bit her tongue. My feet didn’t touch the floor until I was in the Principle’s office. Then I was suspended for three days and kick out of school like an old drunk being thrown out of the saloon in a western movie (okay that was an exaggeration.) But I was suspended and my mom beat my butt, my dad beat my butt and my brother beat my butt for telling mom it was his fault. I walked funny for those three days.

But when I went back to school I had a “flat-top” haircut - complete with Butch Hair Wax. Let the bitch try and grab me by the hair now. So she used my ears. That's why, if you look at my head from behind, it looks like a car with the doors open.

Those were the days. I wonder what would happen to Mrs. Stringfellow if she pulled hair today. Maybe a coffeypot wanna-be would pop a cap in her ass. Or the PTA would burn her at the stake. Or the ACLU would sue her for denying the wanna-be their Constitutional Rights of Free Speech. But I do know that my mom and dad would still have beat my butt. That was their favorite pastime.

Try Again, Dammit

Now, read the post below and pulg in the where it needs to be here.

 

 

Well You Ask For IT

I think this will work this time.

This is the BEFORE picture made on the deck of a cruse ship in Tampa.

(See the Picture Above)

This is the AFTER picture made last Sunday. See what I mean about being a SANTA SUCK?

(See the Other Picture Above)

That's Monster. She is Dr. Amber's little piece of hell. She hates everyone except Amber, but she will let someone hold her if Amber put her in you lap. Except children. I believe she would drag a 75lb child into a cage and eat it. She hates kids.

If you want more pictures, I'll make some on Saturday.

Ramblings of a Retired Mind

My brother, Stephen, sent this to me. He’s old, too, but younger than me, the asshole. So he though I might enjoy this. He was wrong.

Ramblings of a Retired Mind

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener. I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.'

I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call it "Pumping Rust."

I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?"
Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency.' I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do... write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail? Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking their pictures!

I was thinking a bout how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals.

As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.



Enjoy Your Days, Love Your Life because:

“Life is a journey to be savored"

I'm Frustrated

Dammit, dammit, dammit!

I hate you techno-friendly people who can do shit on your blog and make it enjoyable. All I can do is type out a few stupid words and hope that someone somewhere understands what I am trying to say and either be offended or not offended. I don’t care which as long as you have a reaction of some kind and will note it in the comments. So all you people who can post pictures and stuff, BITE ME!

I have a few goofy pictures made this weekend at the Pet Smart. But I cannot get the goddamn things from my Kodak Picture Albums to this blog site. I suck at this and I am frustrated to no end. Fuck it, fuck it, fuck it, and, oh, yeah, FUCK IT!

So let me just answer some of your comments here so this won’t be a total waste of blog space. I’ll start by saying I didn’t know how much of a Santa Suck I am. Last year the pictures were made on a Polaroid camera. It is provided by Pet Smart, so we didn’t have a choice. This year PS changed to a small digital camera and a $1.15 printer which takes about three minuets to print each picture – with sometimes 10 or 12 people waiting with their dogs (who most times are trying to eat each other.). Our store is very lucky in that one of the volunteers who comes by every week to walk dogs and help out anyway he can, is also a salesman in real like of anything computer related for Cisco. He became very discussed with the quality of the pictures the store provided camera gave, so he went home and brought back his professional stuff. We are making the best quality photos of any PS store in the nation. But that also brings about a problem. Last year I couldn’t see myself very well. This year, if I look down at the animal at the time of the click, I look like I’m asleep. I did not know this on Saturday because I didn’t see any of the pictures. I saw few yesterday and I look like I am sleeping on the job. I am actually trying to get the best view of the dog and they don’t tell me when they are ready. Dammit!

To Pamela, that isn’t me in the photo you sent over, and I don’t make that good looking of a Santa.

Skippymom, Yes and no! I have been nipped a few times while trying to get a picture made. Some of the dogs are afraid of the all-red man with all the white hair on his face and head. It isn’t natural to them (or me) and they are just a little afraid. I try to get the owner to stand next to me and let the dog smell my hand before I try to pet it. Then we work it into my lap. Some of the dogs just jump into the lap and pose. Folks, NEVER EVER reach for a dog you don’t know or who doesn’t know you. Always slowly lower you hand to his nose and let him smell you first. It is the safest way to become acquainted. Unless, of course, you want to do it naturally their way and get down on all fours and sell each others ass. I prefer the hand method, myself.

Dr. Amber did have a small dog that she and I had to tell people all day long not to stick their fingers in the cage. She would try to bit them without a warning growl or bearing of the teeth. Outside the cage she would be just as loving as can be, but she was abused in her pin at the shelter she came from by the caretakers (minimum security prisoners working for the county.) Anyway, I spent the slow periods talking to her and rubbing her nose and the side of her mouth. She would whine and gently gnaw on my finger. After it was over, I came back to say goodbye to her, not even thinking that I wasn’t in the getup anymore, and she bit my left index finger pretty bad. I have cuts from my middle knuckle to the fingernail (and that is bruised) that did bleed for a while. But it wasn’t serious, and it was my own stupid fault. We laughed about it, too, because of all the warnings we gave to other people. Duh!

Clew, I would say go for it. It’s not that expensive and the shelter will benefit and you will have a cute picture. Some people were going to some of the copy shops and having Christmas cards made from the pictures. That is scary that my ugly Santa will be going all over the world. But if you are at the Pet Smart in Gwinnett on Ventura Blvd in Atlanta, drop by for a chat and a photo.

Have I said enough beside, damn, damn, fuck? Okay, bye!

I'm Santa Again This Year

Well, it’s been decided. I will be the store Santa at the Pet Smart again this year. I start on Saturday and it will last for the next three weeks, every Saturday and Sunday. I am sooo fucking happy about this. Maybe the world will come to an end before Saturday (it can’t come to an end today because it already tomorrow in Australia.) Maybe the Muslims will not let the American people have Christmas this year, since we are such infidels.

The things I will do to help my family. Maybe I should have been an inattentive, abusive father and step-father. They might not like me, but I would have my Saturdays and Sundays to myself. Much like I do with my Mondays thru Fridays.

I did it last year to raise money for Dr. Amber’s pet rescue organization. You get two Polaroid pictures and two small, cheap frames for, I don’t know, $5.00 or something like that. People really like to do this with their beloved pets. They use the pictures to decorate the Christmas tree, or to send to friends and relatives. Personally, I’d rather have cash or a check. But it’s not about me. Dammit!

I’ve had my picture in a Santa Clause outfit made with every size and breed of dog there is. There were some in my lap, some sitting beside me. I’ve had four dogs at once in my lap. I’ve had them pee on me and the floor. No one has shit on me yet - because I can throw a 20 lb dog halfway across the store.

And the cats!!! I am going to wear leather arm protectors under the arm sleeve this year. Sitting for photos with a strange man with fuzzy whiskers is not one of the most endearing things a cat likes to do. Some of those beasts can leave claw marks on a stainless steel pole – and climb all the way to the top, too.

I’ve had my picture made with ferrets, macaws, parakeets and a skunk. I’ve had my picture made with kids in my lap holding their pets. I have even had petty young ladies sit in my lap with their pets. But they didn’t sit around long enough to talk about “the first thing to come up.” So much for perks!

But I guess it is for a good cause. Dr. Amber is totally dedicated to the spay and neuter programs, and saving as many animals she can. She has contacts all over the country and helps rescue organizations match up with good families. So the money she raises from this effort does some good. So I guess I’ll do it again this year. Dammit!

Steven and Laura

Sweet Tea’s son, Steven, who lives with us in the basement apartment, got married to his sweet heart, Laura, last night. It was a very simple occasion. We went to the Justice Center in Cherokee County and had a judge perform the service. He was very personable and wore a Grinch tie. Or a tie with the Grinch in a Santa outfit on it.

Steven is so laid back that he would have been just as happy if all he had to do was step over a broom. But Laura wanted some semblance to a wedding. She comes from a very religious family and this was kind of a compromise. Neither Laura nor Steven wanted a church wedding, and all the marriage thingies that cost so much and only pleases the bride and her mother. It was a compromise because, plan two was for me to marry them. I am an ordained minister, you know, just for occasions like this.

Sweet Tea and I, Steven’s father, Sal and Laura’s parents and two sisters were present. It was very nice and they both smiled like a jackass eating briers the whole time. Steven, who is brilliant when it comes to computers and fixing things, is very shy and quiet. He looked so funny kissing his new bride and everyone with a camera made him repeat it over and over until he said he was just going to kiss her until we told him we were finished. He finally came up for air when I suggested we all go to the restaurant for the wedding dinner without telling him we were finished taking pictures.

I don’t know what I am going to do with the new broom I bought for the occasion, though. Maybe that’s fodder for another blog – if anyone is interested in what to do with a new, unused broom, that is. Besides sweep something into a pile, I mean.

We went to Laura’s favorite restaurant, Las Palmas, for a very delicious Mexican meal. I love my polo with rice and beans and guacamole salad – and plenty of sweet tea. I wanted a Dos XX but, in respect for the bible thumpers, I stayed with the tea. Only because it was Steven and Laura’s dinner. Otherwise…

Anyway, they are so cute and work so well together that I believe they will be together forever. There may be no kids, because Laura is a bad diabetic and they are afraid to try. She did mention something about adopting one day. We’ll see. But they will be together for a long time. Why, they actually talk to each other – about everything. Amazing! They do it without a blog too. Can you believe it?

Tater People

This was also sent to me. Which one are you?

Some people never seem motivated to participate, but are just content to watch while others do the work. They are called “Spec Taters.”

Some people never do anything to help, but are gifted at finding fault with the way others do the work. They are called “Comment Taters.”

Some people are very bossy and like to tell others what to do, but don’t want to soil their own hands. They are called “Dick Taters.”

Some people are always looking to cause problems by asking others to agree with them. It is too hot or too cold, too sour or too sweet. They are called “Agie Taters.”

There are those who say they will help, but somehow just never get around to actually doing the promised help. They are called “Hezzie Taters.”

Some people can put up a front and pretend to be someone they are not. They are called “Emma Taters.”

Then there are those who love others and do what they say they will. They always prepared to stop whatever they are doing and lend a helping hand. They bring real sunshine into the lives of others. They are called “Sweet Taters.”

What kind of Tater are you. I think I am a “Spechezziesweet Tater.”

The Law Is The Law

After reading Twist O Lemon on my blog role, I decided to post this email I received from one of my friends.

I’m not overly religious, but I do not believe it is the Governments place to regulate the timeless traditions of those who are. We are a Christian Nation who allows others to worship as they please. So, the below makes since to me.

It won’t happen because the laws are for everyone else but them – Democratic and Republican alike. But maybe it will give you something to think about.
*****
So if the US government determines that it is against the law for the words "under God" to be on our money, then, so be it.

And if that same government decides that the "Ten Commandments" are not to be used in or on a government installation, then, so be it.

I say, "…so be it," because I would like to be a law abiding US citizen.

I say, "…so be it," because I would like to think that smarter people than I are in positions to make good decisions. I would like to think that those people have the American public's best interests at heart.

BUT, YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE I'D LIKE?

Since we can't pray to God, can't Trust in God and cannot post His Commandments in Government buildings, I don't believe the Government and its employees should participate in the Easter and Christmas celebrations which honor the God that our government is eliminating from many facets of American life.

I'd like my mail delivered on Christmas, Good Friday, Thanksgiving and Easter. After all, it's just another day.

I'd like for the US Supreme Court to be in session on Christmas, Good Friday, Thanksgiving and Easter as well as Sundays. After all, it's just another day.

I'd like the Senate and the House of Representatives to not have to worry about getting home for the "Christmas Break." After all it's just another day.

I'm thinking that a lot of my taxpayer dollars could be saved if all government offices and services would work on Christmas, Good Friday and Easter. It shouldn't cost any overtime since those would be just like any other day of the week to a government that is trying to be "politically correct."

In fact....

I think that our government should work on Sundays (initially set aside for worshipping God...) because, after all, our government says that it should be just another day....

What do you all think????

If this idea gets to enough people, maybe our elected officials will stop giving in to the "minority opinions" and begin, once again, to represent the "majority" of ALL of the American people.

SO BE IT...........

My Thanksgiving and Afterward

I’m having a great "Black Friday" and I had a great Thanksgiving, too. I started Thanksgiving out by sleeping in late; then drinking a couple cups of coffee while going through my blog list.

Then I went to the Waffle House to have some biscuits and gravy and bacon. One of the ladies who waitresses part-time waited on me. I don’t get to see her much because she works three jobs. She helps small businesses get automated by updating their computer systems and accounting flows. She sells something like Magic Chef or Avon or something, and she works as a waitress. I don’t know what has happened in her life to have her in a position like that, but she is always smiling, very friendly to me, and we swap books every now and then. I love her to death.

She made my day by buying me breakfast. She happens to be the only black lady among a group of pill popping, booze drinking, snaggled tooth women who complain all the time, and she is smarter that the whole group put together. But she seems to think I am nice or something. Boy have I got her fooled. Little does she know that I am a lecherous old fart, but I just can’t remember why.

Later on that morning Sweet Tea called to wish me Happy Thanksgiving. And then I went to pick up my sister, Mary, and take her out for a late Thanksgiving dinner. She is 78 years-old and isn’t in the best of shape. She is a bad diabetic and passes out at least twice a week. But she is more like my mother that the real one was, and I would do anything for her.

My younger “sister”, Stephen, also came along. He is suffering with Parkinson’s and won’t be able to drive much longer. I told him I bet he really gets confused when he goes to the bathroom because his hand shakes so much. He leaves happy, drained and satisfied, but he doesn’t understand why.

Marni, Carl, J-Man and Bug also joined us. I love these occasions because my family laughs. We laugh and joke about our ailments and situations and each other. Marni can attest to the fact that she got her humor honestly. We believe that, if you can’t laugh at yourself and your life, then you are probably adopted.

After the dinner, J-Man asked to come home with me. Bug loves when J-Man does this because it means quality time with mom and dad without pesky brother around. I kind of like it a little bit, too.

When we got home, he immediately got a cardboard box and cut out a rifle and knife. I helped him fix the knife so that it would fit on the end of the rifle, and he turned over a few small tables and spread cushions and cardboard around and made a fort. So, while I watched football, he fought of scores of “enemy” solders and made it safe for us in Woodstock.

So now it is "Black Friday." Why they call it that is beyound me - unless it has somehting to do with an accounting term that means you have made a profit (vs being in the red.) J-Man and I went to, guess, yep, Waffle House. We then went riding around the lake and talked about how you can see the rivers that make up the lake now that it is soooo low. We then road up to Kennesaw Mountain, Cheatham Hill, and Kolb Farm and talked about life during the Civil War. He loves history as much as I do.

We then met Marni and I dropped him off. It’s quiet now and I am wishing the kiddies and Sweet Tea were here. But people in Hell want ice water, too. Some things just can’t be.

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving, a day early, to those of you who observe this tradition. The rest of you from other countries, man, you don't know what you are missing. Best eating than any other time of the year. Even if it is at the Waffle House.

It is a time to hold those you love and have them close by. For those serving our country, God Bless you guys and gals. Thank you for you sacrifices in keeping us safe and able to enjoy this time of the year, and a prayer for each of you and your families will be forthcoming.

Now, pass the turkey!

Fifty Years of Math

A friend sent this to me and I think she wanted to post it, but was a little shy and concerned that it may offend someone. Pffftttt! Like I give a hairy rat’s ass! So here 'tis:

Fifty Years of Math 1957 to 2007

Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this?

Follow below the evolution of teaching math since the 1950s:

1. Teaching Math In The 1950s:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2. Teaching Math In The 1960s:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In The 1970s:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In The 1980s:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In The 1990s:
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20.
What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok.)

6. Teaching Math In 2007:
Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

Lets Hear It For The Old Folks

Since you like the last joke, here are a couple more gross jokes my friends have sent to me.

Grandma and grandpa go to a motel for the night, just like they did when they were young.
Grandpa takes off his glasses and goes to the bathroom to freshen up.
Grandma takes off her clothes and gets on the bed. She decides to do a few stretches so she throws her legs over her head and they get caught in the headboard.
Grandpa comes into the room, sees her and says, "God Dimmit woman, will you comb your hair and put your teeth back in, you look like an asshole"

This old couple goes to the doctor. The doctor calls them into the examination room and asks them what the problem is. The old man looks at the old lady and then asks the doctor to watch them make love. He agrees, and they get down to business. He observes everything and, after they are finished he declares that everything seems to be working just fine. Blood pressure is okay, and heart beat is strong. So he sends them on their way.

A couple of weeks later the old couple returns and asks the doctor to observe them having sex again. This time the results are the same, but the doctor ask why they had come back.

The old man says, “Well, doc. I’m married and she is married. A hotel room cost $50 a day and your office visit is only $30 and Medicare pays 80% of that. See you in a couple of weeks.”

And, finally, I think I told you guy’s this one before, but I’ll do it again simply because I am senile and can’t remember if I did or not.

A mother stopped by to visit her daughter unexpectedly one afternoon. She let herself into the house and found her daughter lying on the couch in the nude. In shock, she sputters to her daughter, “What in the world are you doing.”

The daughter jumps up and puts on a robe and embarrassingly tells her mother that her husband is due home any minuet and he loves for her to meet him in her birthday suit. It turns him on and they have fantastic sex. You should try it.

The mother, not wanting to cause an embarrassing scene for the husband, left in a hurry. She thought about it on the way home and thought she would surprise her husband when he came home. So when she heard his car pull into the driveway, she got naked and stretched out on the couch. He came in the door, saw her lying on the couch, and said, “Goddamn, woman, what are you doing.”

She smiled seductively and said, “I though I would meet and greet you in my birthday suit.”

He shakes his head and says, “Well you had better iron the damn thing because it is wrinkled as hell.”

He gets out of the hospital in a couple of days.

The Way To Go

A wonderful friend of ours sent this to me. I thought you would enjoy a little humor, so...

Sunday Morning Sex

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling...

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.”

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

”Oh no, my dear,” replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our
advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous! Simply, in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

Seriously, isn't that a good way to go out, guys? Except I would like for it to be "Stars and Strips Forever."

I Get No Respect

I just returned from driving Sweet Tea and Dot down to Macon (about a hundred miles south of Atlanta) to meet Dr. Amber for their trip to Tampa to meet the ship for their cruse. The grand kids went with us and rode back with me in Dr. Ambers car. They are funny and I love those two little snots so much, but I get no respect.

We were looking for an exit with gas and food to meet Dr. Amber. We were discussing what kind of breakfast we wanted – Cracker Barrel, fast food, some out-of-the way restaurant, or just crackers and cokes at the gas station. J-Man said, “Let’s do this with some logic. Eeny, Meeny, Miney, Moe.”

Then on the way back, we stopped off at Wal Mart to get some printer cartridges. As we were checking out, Bug showed me some artsy, fartsy wooden heads of horses, cows, pigs, a nurse, etc. She said they were to hold your glasses. When you put your glasses in the slot, it made it look like the statue was wearing glasses. Strange but cute!

On the way home she ask if I liked them. I said they were okay, and J-Man asked where my glasses were. I told him they were in my pocked because I only needed them to read. Bug ask why I didn’t ware them all the time and I told her, “Because I don’t have to. Besides, you wouldn’t want me to put something on to mar the beauty of this gorgeous face would you? She said, looking up at me with a squint and as serious as a little shit can said, “Yeah! A sack!” After I got through laughing, I beat her. Ingrate! I get no respect.

New NASCAR

As many of you may know, I am a huge NASCAR fan, and have been since the late '60's. But I have found a new sport, thanks to cooper green, my quirky friend on my blog role.

We, of the maturing crowd, need a more sedate form of entertainment. NASCAR recognized this and branched off into a more French type racing.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give to you NASCARGOT!



Thank you, Cooper, for giving me a reason to love sports again.

My Life Is Changing

Peace and tranquility ends today. My quiet time at the computer, my walking out the door when I feel like it and my Waffle House mornings are being curtailed. I am on my way, in about an hour, to pick up my mother-in-law, Dot, from the airport. And she is staying until January 1st. Yippee, yippee, Goddman.

She comes down every Christmas. Sweet Tea’s baby sister (she has one living in Oregon, too) still lives in New Jersey and helps take care of Dot, but she is a Jehovah Witness and, therefore does not enjoy the holidays. So Dot gets to visit and enjoy J-Man and Bug over the holidays.

She is an 85 (give or take a year or two) year-old, 5’ 1”, 220 pound bundle of joy from New Jersey. Yes, I have a mixed marriage. I am an Atlanta native and Sweet Tea is from Old Bridge, New Jersey via California. But that’s okay, too. The family seems to like her well enough. In fact, I believe they like her better than me. They tell her all the time that I don’t deserve her and that they feel sorry for her having to be married to me. But that is fodder for another blog. Dot is the fodder for this entry.

She is a hypochondriac and takes 4,657,289 a day and has to have her prescriptions filled at least once a month (I have to believe there has to be some placebos in there.) She has pills for her blood pressure, for her heart, for her diabetes, for her cholesterol, to make her shit and to stop her from shitting, and any ailment she sees on the television. Now, she thanks she has Restless Leg Syndrome (what ever that is.) She also has a tube of ointment for rashes that she keeps in the bathroom that I DON’T want to know anything about.

She uses a walker to help her move around and we have to rearrange the furniture so she can get from on room to another – especially the bathroom. She can’t lie down because she can’t breathe if she does, so she sleeps in a chair in the living room. So we have to hang curtains between the doorways to give her some privacy. She has a very hard time going up the stairs because her legs aren’t strong enough to lift all that weight. So, when it’s time for her to take a shower, she has to have Sweet Tea get behind her and push her up the stairs. It scars me to death because, if Dot slips, Sweet Tea could loose an arm or get her head stuck up that huge ass. I try to look the other way - like trying not to watch a car wreck unfolding. Yuck!

When she sets in HER chair in the den, she has no lap. So Chaplin tries to jump in her lap to get his daily dose of petting, but there isn’t anything for him to land on, so the claws come out and she is hollering, “Shoo, get down, Coffeypot get this thing off me, shoo, ouch, go away. I need to go to the bathroom.” I give Chaplin a high-five and set him in my lap. Good boy!

She isn’t all that bad, I guess. She is a good person, though in an old fashion New Jersey sort of way. She has her opinions and isn’t afraid to use them. But I like that. She is fun to have around (for a day) and I enjoy hearing about her life working at Squibb, making bandages for the solders during WWII, and her job for the company that manufactured explosives. But she loves to whistle. If there is any music on the television, commercial, part of the show, anything, she will whistle along with the music – unless her mouth is full of ice-cream.

As long as I have plenty of ice-cream and fruit around, she is happy. We keep fruit all the time, but the ice-cream… well, I am going to get her a feedbag to hang off her ears and keep it full of ice-cream. That way, she won’t have to get up and waddle to the kitchen, which she has to go through to get to the bathroom, to re-load ten or twenty times a day.

Also, she, Sweet Tea and Dr. Amber are going on a 7-day cruse, too. She wanted one more cruse before she became worm food. It is a trip for the girls, too. I didn’t want to go. Spending a week in a confined space like a ship with her, there might have been a tragedy at sea. She might have ended up as a Dot in the ocean.

Okay! I will have a week to myself. Bit deal! She will still be coming back here.

Quotes On War

I found this on my home page of MSN.com.

War evokes such conflicting emotions--horror, glory, shame, pride, and sorrow--that it is often difficult to express them in words. Here is what some have said about war.

1. There is many a boy here today who looks on war as all glory, but boys, it is all hell. You can bear this warning voice to generations yet to come. I look upon war with horror.
--William Tecumseh Sherman (1820-1891), U.S. general. From a speech, Columbus, Ohio, August 11, 1880.

2. All counter-revolutionary wars are unjust, all revolutionary wars are just.
--Mao Zedong (1893-1976), Chinese statesman. From On Protracted War (1938).

3. All wars are popular for the first thirty days.
--Attributed to Arthur Schlesinger, Jr. (1917- ), U.S. historian.

4. We few, we happy few, we band of brothers; For he to-day that sheds his blood with me Shall be my brother.
--William Shakespeare (1564-1616), English playwright and poet. From Henry V (1598?).

5. War is nothing but a continuation of politics with the admixture of other means.
--Karl Marie von Clausewitz (1780-1831), Prussian general. Often misquoted as "War is nothing but a continuation of politics by other means." From On War (1833).

6. It has long been noted that some conquerors prefer enemies as fierce as tigers and brave as eagles, for only then can they savor the true joy of victory.
--Lu Xun (1881-1936), Chinese writer. From "The True Story of Ah Q" (1918).

7. It is well that war is so terrible; else we would grow too fond of it.
--Robert E. Lee (1807-1870), U.S. general. Said to another general during the battle of Fredericksburg (1862).

8. Nothing is ever done in this world until men are prepared to kill each other if it is not done.
--George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950), Irish playwright. From Major Barbara (1905).

9. Television brought the brutality of war into the comfort of the living room. Vietnam was lost in the living rooms of America—not on the battlefields of Vietnam.
--Marshall McLuhan (1911-1980), Canadian sociologist. In the Montreal Gazette, 1975.

10. The guerrilla fights the war of the flea, and his military enemy suffers the dog's disadvantages: too much to defend; too small, ubiquitous, and agile an enemy to come to grips with.
--Robert Taber (1928- ), U.S. writer. From War of the Flea (1965).

11. A war regarded as inevitable or even probable, and therefore much prepared for, has a very good chance of being fought.
--George F. Kennan (1904- ), U.S. diplomat and scholar. From The Cloud of Danger (1977).


12. War is capitalism with the gloves off.
--Tom Stoppard (1937- ), British playwright and screenwriter. From Travesties (1974).


13. You no more win a war than you can win an earthquake.
--Jeannette Rankin (1880-1973), U.S. legislator.


14. Do not let us speak of darker days; let us rather speak of sterner days. These are not dark days: these are great days--the greatest days our country has ever lived.
--Winston Churchill (1874-1965), British prime minister and writer. From a speech, October 29, 1941.

15. Blood alone moves the wheels of history.
--Attributed to Benito Mussolini (1883-1945), Italian dictator.

For The Troops

Lizzie Palmer is a 15 year-old who made this and other videos and can be found under her name at YouTube.com.



Also, she encourages you to go to thisisforthesoldiers.com and sign a petition in support of the troops. I did! It will not cost you anything, but may make you feel a little better knowing the troops can count on you on this Veterans Day.

The Dangers of Drinking

I just read an article on the dangers of drinking....

Scared the shit out of me.

So that's it!

After today, no more reading.

Show Them Babies

On Nov. 11th, we will be celebrating our service men and women. It is a very patriotic day and I though I would present this to show my appreciation.

Beware Of Strange Men In The Grocery Store

Some men would tell their daughters that after the experience they had today.

I was at the grocery store today browsing the cereal aisle for a box of cereal that would knock the shit out of me. I have been constipated, bloated and irritable lately, so I thought I would get something that would ream me out - but taste good going down.

As I was pondering which bran was more toxic, a man and his daughter walked by. She looked to be around eleven or twelve and very cute. Another young girl came around the corner of the aisle and the two screamed and grabbed each others hands. Since they looked to be about the same age and they knew each others names, I assumed they were friends. I’m pretty smart when it comes to things like that.

Anyway, I was pondering which fruit would go best with which ever box of barn I chose when I heard the friend say to the man’s daughter, “Your dad is so hot.” I glanced over at the dad and he was smiling and had his chest inflated a bit. Then I heard the daughter say, “Eweeeeeuuuu.” The man’s smile faded and his chest fell to his belly. I started to laugh.

All three look at me and I laughingly said to the daughter, “Its okay, honey. I know how you feel. My parents NEVER had sex either.” Then both girls said, “Eweeeeeuuuu.” And I said, “Exactly!” I then reached up and grabbed the first box of shit-kicking cereal I could get my hands on and walked on down the aisle.

I didn’t hear it, but I bet the dad was warning the daughter about strangers in the store.

Thoughts to Ponder

Although I have my beliefs, I am not an overly religious man. But the list below raises a good point. That is, even with the worst parts of us showing, we can still make a positive difference. Even if you don't believe in God, the principal is still the same.

It also reminds me of the time the crowd was going to stone the prostitute and Jesus step in and said, “Let those without sin cast the first stone.” A few seconds later a huge rock came flying through the air and squashed the prostitute. The crow gasps and Jesus looked around and just stood the shaking his head. Finally He said, “Boy, mom, sometimes you really piss me off.”

However, the next time you feel like GOD can't use you, just remember...
Noah was a drunk
Abraham was too old
Isaac was a daydreamer
Jacob was a liar
Leah was ugly
Joseph was abused
Moses had a stuttering problem
Gideon was afraid
Samson had long hair and was a womanizer
Rahab was a prostitute
Jeremiah and Timothy were too young
David had an affair and was a murderer
Elijah was suicidal
Jonah ran from God
Naomi was a widow
Job went bankrupt
Peter denied Christ
The Disciples fell asleep while praying
Martha worried about everything
The Samaritan woman was divorced, more than once
Zaccheus was too small
Paul was too religious
Timothy had an ulcer
Lazarus was dead!
And Don't forget - Jesus Helped 'em all!!!!

Now! No more excuses! God can use you to your full potential.
Besides you aren't the message, you are just the messenger.
In the Circle of God's love, God's waiting to use your full potential.

1. God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts.
2. Dear God, I have a problem, it's Me.
3. There is no key to happiness. The door is always open.
4. Silence is often misinterpreted but never misquoted.
5. Do the math... count your blessings.
6. Faith is the ability to not panic.
7. If you worry, you didn't pray. If you pray, don't worry.
8. As a child of God, prayer is kind of like calling home everyday.
9. Blessed are the flexible for they shall not be bent out of shape.
10. The most important things in your house are the people.
11. When we get tangled up in our problems, be still. God wants us to be still so He can untangle the knot.
12. A grudge is a heavy thing to carry.
13. He who dies with the most toys is still dead.

Think on these and maybe they will make some of the decision you have to make in life a little easier. If not, don’t blame me. I’m just acting as a messenger. Look into a mirror to see if the problem lies there.