Tuesday, June 03, 2008
Finkelstein's & Jesus
Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem when He decided that He really needed a new robe.
After looking around for a while, He saw a sign for Finkelstein, the Tailor. So, He went in and made the necessary arrangements to have Finkelstein prepare a new robe for Him. A few days later, when the robe was finished, Jesus tried it on and it was a perfect fit.
He asked how much He owed. Finkelstein brushed him off: 'No, no, no, for the Son of God? There's no charge! However, may I ask for a small favor? Whenever you give a sermon, perhaps you could just mention that your new robe was made by Finkelstein, the Tailor?'
Jesus readily agreed and as promised, extolled the virtues of his Finkelstein robe whenever He spoke to the masses.
A few months later, while Jesus was again walking through Jerusalem, He happened to walk past Finkelstein's shop and noted a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein's robes.
Finkelstein spotted him and he said: 'Jesus, Jesus, look what you've done for my business! Would you consider a partnership?'
'Certainly,' replied Jesus. 'Jesus & Finkelstein it is.'
'Oh, no, no,' said Finkelstein. 'Finkelstein & Jesus. After all, I am the craftsman.' The two of them debated this for some time.
Their discussion was long and spirited, but they soon came up with a mutually acceptable compromise. A few days later, the new sign went up over Finkelstein's shop:
After looking around for a while, He saw a sign for Finkelstein, the Tailor. So, He went in and made the necessary arrangements to have Finkelstein prepare a new robe for Him. A few days later, when the robe was finished, Jesus tried it on and it was a perfect fit.
He asked how much He owed. Finkelstein brushed him off: 'No, no, no, for the Son of God? There's no charge! However, may I ask for a small favor? Whenever you give a sermon, perhaps you could just mention that your new robe was made by Finkelstein, the Tailor?'
Jesus readily agreed and as promised, extolled the virtues of his Finkelstein robe whenever He spoke to the masses.
A few months later, while Jesus was again walking through Jerusalem, He happened to walk past Finkelstein's shop and noted a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein's robes.
Finkelstein spotted him and he said: 'Jesus, Jesus, look what you've done for my business! Would you consider a partnership?'
'Certainly,' replied Jesus. 'Jesus & Finkelstein it is.'
'Oh, no, no,' said Finkelstein. 'Finkelstein & Jesus. After all, I am the craftsman.' The two of them debated this for some time.
Their discussion was long and spirited, but they soon came up with a mutually acceptable compromise. A few days later, the new sign went up over Finkelstein's shop:
Monday, June 02, 2008
I'm Back
Perhaps you notice I wasn’t around this past week. It was a busy week and I didn’t have access to a computer the whole time. I stared the week off with a trip to the mountains with Sweet Tea and the grandkids. Went for a mountain train ride, tubed down a river, enjoyed a day of rain, then I had to leave on Thursday for a dog trip to New York. On Tuesday, while we were on the train ride, we got a call from our real-estate agent telling us that the sorry pile of infested dog shit people who put a contract on our house had lied about their income, debt to income ration and other shit. In short, we are back to square one. After three months of riding all over North Georgia and finding a great place on nine acres in the small town of Nicholson, we had to cancel that contract, too. BTW, Kenny Rogers is moving to Nicholson, too. I wonder if he will have a double-wide?
Then, to add to the pleasures of my life, I slept late in New Jersey, where I had to pick up a dog to bring back to Georgia. Then I had a three hour wait to go five miles in Washington, DC. The four lane I-95 was cut down to one lane for road construction. I got back to drop off the dog and the empty cages around 10:30 Saturday night. I then took off for the cabin in the mountains, a 50 mile trip down Georgia highway 53. I was using Agnis, my GPS system, to go back. Around 11:45 my ‘Low Gas’ light came on. I knew I had around three gallons left so I took Agnis off the windshield and punched in a location for a gas station. One came on the screen that showed being three and a half miles away. I was told to turn left on a road three miles down the road. The left turn was a dirt road – nothing unusual in the North Georgia Mountains. But this dirt road ran on for over three miles and the GPS ran out of information. I passed old churches, houses and grave yards. So I turned around and went back to the road and turned left again.
This time Agnis told me to turn left onto a road in about a half a mile. This too was a dirt road that went nowhere. So I double back thinking to myself that I was wasting gas and had to find a station opened after midnight soon. Agnis sent me up a third dirt road and I was getting very concerned that I would run out of gas some three miles up a dirt road and some good-ol-boy would come up to my window and tell me, ‘Yo sho to a purty mouth.’ Coincidently, I was listing to The Grand Old Opery on the radio and the set playing was bluegrass music with banjos a wailing. So I drove back to the main road, changed gas station locations on the GPS and then drove to the address, which was a trailer – someone’s home.
I set there thinking I had driven about 15 miles on the hayride of a trip, so I decided to just stay on the main road until I found a station or run out of gas. At least I was on a fairly used hardtop road. After about 5 miles I saw the glow of lights above the trees on my left. I drove another three miles and came to the exact road in Ellajay I need to get back to the cabin and there was a gas station, a Waffle Kind (kind of like a Waffle House) and other stores. I had to cross Highway 5 to get to the station, but had to wait for the light to turn green. When it did, I drove to the station, which was on a hill, and as I turned into the place my engine sputtered and died. I coasted to the pump. I gave a little prayer of thanks to my co-pilot (not that dame slut of a navigator, Agnis.)
The thing that made it so bad was that back in New Jersey, fifteen hours before, I pulled a muscle in my back, just below the shoulder blades loading the dog into a crate and drove all the way home in pain and discomfort. I had to gas up several times on the way back and could hardly bend over to pump the gas, much less climb in and out of the van. I had been on the phone with Sweet Tea on and off the whole time, but I didn’t tell her about my back until after I got gas at the station in Ellajay. When I got to the cabin, she had a couple of hotdogs and 450 extra strength Tylenol waiting for me (actully it was on four tablets.) I was walking stooped over and she was telling me I should have told her. Why? She worries enough. No need to add to the worry. But I can tell you one thing, though. I was awfully glad to lie down in that bed.
Of course the kids had us up early. Each one came in and set on the bed telling me about their horse back ride with Marni and Carl (who came up while I was gone) and Sweet Tea. J-Man showed me his finger were he got stung by a wasp. I got up in time to help pack the van for the trip home. My back felt fine after the drugs and sleep.
Now I have to read a weeks worth of blogs so I'll talk to ya later.
Then, to add to the pleasures of my life, I slept late in New Jersey, where I had to pick up a dog to bring back to Georgia. Then I had a three hour wait to go five miles in Washington, DC. The four lane I-95 was cut down to one lane for road construction. I got back to drop off the dog and the empty cages around 10:30 Saturday night. I then took off for the cabin in the mountains, a 50 mile trip down Georgia highway 53. I was using Agnis, my GPS system, to go back. Around 11:45 my ‘Low Gas’ light came on. I knew I had around three gallons left so I took Agnis off the windshield and punched in a location for a gas station. One came on the screen that showed being three and a half miles away. I was told to turn left on a road three miles down the road. The left turn was a dirt road – nothing unusual in the North Georgia Mountains. But this dirt road ran on for over three miles and the GPS ran out of information. I passed old churches, houses and grave yards. So I turned around and went back to the road and turned left again.
This time Agnis told me to turn left onto a road in about a half a mile. This too was a dirt road that went nowhere. So I double back thinking to myself that I was wasting gas and had to find a station opened after midnight soon. Agnis sent me up a third dirt road and I was getting very concerned that I would run out of gas some three miles up a dirt road and some good-ol-boy would come up to my window and tell me, ‘Yo sho to a purty mouth.’ Coincidently, I was listing to The Grand Old Opery on the radio and the set playing was bluegrass music with banjos a wailing. So I drove back to the main road, changed gas station locations on the GPS and then drove to the address, which was a trailer – someone’s home.
I set there thinking I had driven about 15 miles on the hayride of a trip, so I decided to just stay on the main road until I found a station or run out of gas. At least I was on a fairly used hardtop road. After about 5 miles I saw the glow of lights above the trees on my left. I drove another three miles and came to the exact road in Ellajay I need to get back to the cabin and there was a gas station, a Waffle Kind (kind of like a Waffle House) and other stores. I had to cross Highway 5 to get to the station, but had to wait for the light to turn green. When it did, I drove to the station, which was on a hill, and as I turned into the place my engine sputtered and died. I coasted to the pump. I gave a little prayer of thanks to my co-pilot (not that dame slut of a navigator, Agnis.)
The thing that made it so bad was that back in New Jersey, fifteen hours before, I pulled a muscle in my back, just below the shoulder blades loading the dog into a crate and drove all the way home in pain and discomfort. I had to gas up several times on the way back and could hardly bend over to pump the gas, much less climb in and out of the van. I had been on the phone with Sweet Tea on and off the whole time, but I didn’t tell her about my back until after I got gas at the station in Ellajay. When I got to the cabin, she had a couple of hotdogs and 450 extra strength Tylenol waiting for me (actully it was on four tablets.) I was walking stooped over and she was telling me I should have told her. Why? She worries enough. No need to add to the worry. But I can tell you one thing, though. I was awfully glad to lie down in that bed.
Of course the kids had us up early. Each one came in and set on the bed telling me about their horse back ride with Marni and Carl (who came up while I was gone) and Sweet Tea. J-Man showed me his finger were he got stung by a wasp. I got up in time to help pack the van for the trip home. My back felt fine after the drugs and sleep.
Now I have to read a weeks worth of blogs so I'll talk to ya later.
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Men and Womens Prayers
WOMAN'S POEM:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
A MAN'S POEM:
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
huge boobs and a nice ass who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
A MAN'S POEM:
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
huge boobs and a nice ass who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
I'm Boiled Peanuts - Sept 27th
Here is a fun one to try. What's Your Southern Sign?
Some Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people that read them. However, if we are to ever fully understand all the star signs and the people they represent, we need symbols that all true Southerners understand. See the list below:
OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20): Are tough on the outside but tender on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. You can do something good each day if you try.
______________________________________________
CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19): Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A Chitlin, however, will make something of himself if he is motivated and has lots of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful - they may surprise you. They can erupt like Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra.
______________________________________________
BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - March 20): You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. You love to stay busy and tend to work too much. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.
______________________________________________
MOON PIE (March 21 - April 20): You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. A cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. You always have a big smile and are happy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.
______________________________________________
POSSUM (April 21 - May 21): When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don't-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy but seems to work for you. You are a rare breed. Most folks love to watch you work and play. You are a night person and mind your own business.
______________________________________________
CRAWFISH (May 22 - June 21): Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, and the bathtub to the living room. You tend not to be particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads.
______________________________________________
COLLARDS (June 22 - July 23): Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the melting pot of life and share their essence with the essence of those around them. Collards make good socia l work ers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Crawfish. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.
______________________________________________
CATFISH (July 24 - Aug 23): Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one's whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You Catfish are never easy people to understand. You run fast. You work and play hard. Even though you prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life, you are liked by most. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.
______________________________________________
GRI TS (Aug 24 - Sept 23): Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese, gravy, bacon, butter, or eggs and a good time. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things; that serves you well. You are pure in heart.
______________________________________________
BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 - Oct 23): You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best, your friends and loved ones, may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.
______________________________________________
BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 - Nov 22): Always invite a Butter Bean to a party because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life, and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too,shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.
______________________________________________
ARMADILLO (Nov 23 - Dec 21): You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle and kind inside. A good evening for you--old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms, and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but a Possum is another somewhat interesting mating possibility.
Some Southerners are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people that read them. However, if we are to ever fully understand all the star signs and the people they represent, we need symbols that all true Southerners understand. See the list below:
OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20): Are tough on the outside but tender on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. You can do something good each day if you try.
______________________________________________
CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19): Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A Chitlin, however, will make something of himself if he is motivated and has lots of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful - they may surprise you. They can erupt like Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra.
______________________________________________
BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - March 20): You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. You love to stay busy and tend to work too much. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.
______________________________________________
MOON PIE (March 21 - April 20): You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. A cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. You always have a big smile and are happy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.
______________________________________________
POSSUM (April 21 - May 21): When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don't-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy but seems to work for you. You are a rare breed. Most folks love to watch you work and play. You are a night person and mind your own business.
______________________________________________
CRAWFISH (May 22 - June 21): Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, and the bathtub to the living room. You tend not to be particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads.
______________________________________________
COLLARDS (June 22 - July 23): Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the melting pot of life and share their essence with the essence of those around them. Collards make good socia l work ers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Crawfish. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.
______________________________________________
CATFISH (July 24 - Aug 23): Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one's whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You Catfish are never easy people to understand. You run fast. You work and play hard. Even though you prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life, you are liked by most. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.
______________________________________________
GRI TS (Aug 24 - Sept 23): Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese, gravy, bacon, butter, or eggs and a good time. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things; that serves you well. You are pure in heart.
______________________________________________
BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 - Oct 23): You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best, your friends and loved ones, may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.
______________________________________________
BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 - Nov 22): Always invite a Butter Bean to a party because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life, and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too,shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.
______________________________________________
ARMADILLO (Nov 23 - Dec 21): You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle and kind inside. A good evening for you--old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms, and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but a Possum is another somewhat interesting mating possibility.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Hippie Chick
Ever wonder what happened to those cute and crazy hippie girls that did drugs in the 60's?
I believe I use to date her in Long Beach back in the Navy days. She looks like a 'Pike Chick.' You have to have been in Long Beach to undersand that one.
However she wasn't a friend.
Friends are like butt cheeks.
Crap might separate them,
But they always come back together.
I believe I use to date her in Long Beach back in the Navy days. She looks like a 'Pike Chick.' You have to have been in Long Beach to undersand that one.
However she wasn't a friend.
Friends are like butt cheeks.
Crap might separate them,
But they always come back together.
Sayings
My sister, Stephen, sent this to me. It is a collection of sayings on plaques that can be hung on a wall or placed on a desk. Some of them hit pretty close to home for me.
I just wanted you to know that I have entered the Snap Dragon phase of my life.
Part of me has snapped and the rest of me is dragging.
I don’t Skinny Dip;
I Chunky Dunk!
I only have a kitchen
because it came with the house.
I’m not 60 something;
I’m $54.95 plus shipping and handling.
I don’t have hot flashes;
I have Short, Private Vacations in the Tropics.
A balance diet is…
Chocolate in both hands.
Born Free!
Now I’m Expensive!
I just wanted you to know that I have entered the Snap Dragon phase of my life.
Part of me has snapped and the rest of me is dragging.
I don’t Skinny Dip;
I Chunky Dunk!
I only have a kitchen
because it came with the house.
I’m not 60 something;
I’m $54.95 plus shipping and handling.
I don’t have hot flashes;
I have Short, Private Vacations in the Tropics.
A balance diet is…
Chocolate in both hands.
Born Free!
Now I’m Expensive!
Monday, May 19, 2008
Liver and Cheese
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The aroma in the air tells them she is expecting a suitor.
The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.
The males are speechless before her beauty, panting and slobbering on themselves hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."
"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."
She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?"
"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.
"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.
He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says....
Liver alone; cheese mine.
The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.
The males are speechless before her beauty, panting and slobbering on themselves hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."
"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."
She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?"
"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.
"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.
He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says....
Liver alone; cheese mine.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
A Hunting Story of E.Craig
Our friend e.craig is an avid hunter. He decided to add a black bear to his stuffed animal collection, so he researched the area that would give the best chances. He then went out, properly outfitted with an elephant gun and in short order found the perfect black bear. He aimed, fired... and missed the black bear by mere inches. The bear then cut a wide circle and pounced on e.craig from behind. Upon landing, the bear said, "It is unfortunate for you that you missed. However, I haven't been getting any lately, so I offer you this choice: either I pound you to pieces right here and now, or you let me have my way with you. Your choice!" Since e.craig did not desire being forcibly scattered all over the forest floor, he acquiesced.
Two hours later, he used every last remaining bit of his strength to crawl back to his trusty truck for a long sloppy drive home, all the while plotting the methods of revenge against this black bear.
He decided the weapon of choice this time was a bazooka. "To hell with the trophy.” he said, "This sucker's TOAST." He trained with the weapon for a month to assure inside-outside knowledge of its capabilities. Once he felt he was ready, e.craig went back out in pursuit of his furry black foe.
It wasn't long before he found the bear; he picked up the bazooka and had the bear in dead aim. Right at the precise moment he pulled the trigger, a large mosquito landed on his aiming arm and bit, causing e.craig to blast a 10-foot wide crater 20 feet to the right of the black bear. Whereupon the black bear cut a wide circle and pounced on e.craig from behind. Upon landing, the bear said, "It is unfortunate for you that you missed, and you must be one hell of a lousy shot. However, my odds haven't improved much and at the same time I am very hungry. So, either I eat you - bones and all, or you 'let me'. Again, your choice!" As hellish as e.craig’s last experience was, he wished not to be eaten alive; again, he acquiesced.
Three hours later, it took everything e.craig had to get back to his trusty truck and attempted to drive home safely, during which he rethought his plan of attack.
E.craig’s new weapon of choice was an AK-47, logic being that if he doesn't get the first shot, there will be many others right behind it. A month of hard work and training later, e.craig felt he was ready to try again to eliminate the black bear.
Not too far in the woods, he sees the black bear, along with 2 brown bears, consuming the latest capture. "No witnesses on this one", e.craig cockily says as he picks up the '47 to aim. Unfortunately, this weight shift caused a twig to break loudly under his left foot; all three bears' heads lift and spin in e.craig's direction. E.craig, petrified, could not get off one shot as all three bears cut a wide circle and tackle him. The black bear is on e.craigs back and the brown bears land on each side, effectively trapping him. All three bears huskily whisper, in perfect unison:
"You don't come here for the hunting... DO you, e.craig?"
Two hours later, he used every last remaining bit of his strength to crawl back to his trusty truck for a long sloppy drive home, all the while plotting the methods of revenge against this black bear.
He decided the weapon of choice this time was a bazooka. "To hell with the trophy.” he said, "This sucker's TOAST." He trained with the weapon for a month to assure inside-outside knowledge of its capabilities. Once he felt he was ready, e.craig went back out in pursuit of his furry black foe.
It wasn't long before he found the bear; he picked up the bazooka and had the bear in dead aim. Right at the precise moment he pulled the trigger, a large mosquito landed on his aiming arm and bit, causing e.craig to blast a 10-foot wide crater 20 feet to the right of the black bear. Whereupon the black bear cut a wide circle and pounced on e.craig from behind. Upon landing, the bear said, "It is unfortunate for you that you missed, and you must be one hell of a lousy shot. However, my odds haven't improved much and at the same time I am very hungry. So, either I eat you - bones and all, or you 'let me'. Again, your choice!" As hellish as e.craig’s last experience was, he wished not to be eaten alive; again, he acquiesced.
Three hours later, it took everything e.craig had to get back to his trusty truck and attempted to drive home safely, during which he rethought his plan of attack.
E.craig’s new weapon of choice was an AK-47, logic being that if he doesn't get the first shot, there will be many others right behind it. A month of hard work and training later, e.craig felt he was ready to try again to eliminate the black bear.
Not too far in the woods, he sees the black bear, along with 2 brown bears, consuming the latest capture. "No witnesses on this one", e.craig cockily says as he picks up the '47 to aim. Unfortunately, this weight shift caused a twig to break loudly under his left foot; all three bears' heads lift and spin in e.craig's direction. E.craig, petrified, could not get off one shot as all three bears cut a wide circle and tackle him. The black bear is on e.craigs back and the brown bears land on each side, effectively trapping him. All three bears huskily whisper, in perfect unison:
"You don't come here for the hunting... DO you, e.craig?"
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Just One Day
One day, a long, long time ago.......
there lived a woman who did not whine, nag or bitch.
But this was a long time ago.......
and it was just that one day.
The End
there lived a woman who did not whine, nag or bitch.
But this was a long time ago.......
and it was just that one day.
The End
Friday, May 09, 2008
Bendy Lady
Is it just me? Doesn't this look creepy? But then again, I bet she is loads of kinky fun on a date.
However, I heard that when she is drunk she is as stiff as a board.
However, I heard that when she is drunk she is as stiff as a board.
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
Htilery On Gun Control
Hillary Clinton, the questionable lead Presidential Democrat Party candidate is for banning all guns in America. She is considered by those who have dealt with her as more than just a little self-righteous.
At a recent rural elementary school meeting in North Florida, she asked the kids and the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, she started to slowly clap her hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, she said into the microphone, 'Every time I clap my hands, a child in America dies from gun violence.'
A young voice with a proud southern accent (probably little Coffeypot) from the front of the crowd pierced the quiet: 'Well stop clapping, ya stupid bitch!'
At a recent rural elementary school meeting in North Florida, she asked the kids and the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, she started to slowly clap her hands, once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, she said into the microphone, 'Every time I clap my hands, a child in America dies from gun violence.'
A young voice with a proud southern accent (probably little Coffeypot) from the front of the crowd pierced the quiet: 'Well stop clapping, ya stupid bitch!'
Senior Citizens; We Are Where It's At
Senior citizens are constantly being criticized for every conceivable deficiency of the modern world, real or imaginary. We know we take responsibility for all we have done and do not blame others
HOWEVER, upon reflection, we would like to point out that it was NOT the senior citizen who took:
The melody out of music,
The pride out of appearance,
The courtesy out of driving,
The romance out of love,
The commitment out of marriage,
The responsibility out of parenthood,
The togetherness out of the family,
The learning out of education,
The service out of patriotism,
The Golden Rule from rulers,
The nativity scene out of cities,
The civility out of behavior,
The refinement out of language,
The dedication out of employment,
The prudence out of spending,
The ambition out of achievement, or God out of government and school.
And we certainly are NOT the ones who eliminated patience and tolerance from personal relationships and interactions with others!!
We do understand the meaning of patriotism, and remember those who have fought and died for our country.
Does anyone under the age of 50 know the lyrics to the Star Spangled Banner?
What about the last verse of My Country 'tis of Thee?
"Our father's God to thee, Author of liberty, To Thee we sing. Long may our land be bright, With freedom's Holy light. Protect us by Thy might, Great God our King."
Just look at the Seniors with tears in their eyes and pride in their hearts as they stand at attention with their hand over their hearts!
YES, I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN!
I'm the life of the party … even if it lasts until 8 p.m.
I'm very good at opening childproof caps - with a hammer.
I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.
I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing you're saying.
I'm very good at telling stories ... over and over and over and over....
I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not nearly as cute as mine.
I'm so cared for - long term care, eye care, private care, dental care.
I'm not really grouchy; I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, lawyers,
loud music, unruly kids, Toyota commercials, Tom Brokaw, Dan Rather, barking dogs, politicians, and a few other things I can't seem to remember right now.
I'm sure everything I can't find is in a safe, secure, place… somewhere.
I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg.
I'm having trouble remembering simple words like...
I'm beginning to realizing that aging is not for wimps.
I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days, and since when did they let kids become policemen?
I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?
How can my kids be older than I feel sometimes?
I'm a walking storeroom of facts but I've just lost the key to the storeroom door.
Yes, I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my
life!
Now if I could only remember who sent this to me, I wouldn't send it back to them, but I would send it to many more!
Have I already sent it to you???
If so, I'll try not to do it again (for a while.)
What? This is an email, isn’t it?
HOWEVER, upon reflection, we would like to point out that it was NOT the senior citizen who took:
The melody out of music,
The pride out of appearance,
The courtesy out of driving,
The romance out of love,
The commitment out of marriage,
The responsibility out of parenthood,
The togetherness out of the family,
The learning out of education,
The service out of patriotism,
The Golden Rule from rulers,
The nativity scene out of cities,
The civility out of behavior,
The refinement out of language,
The dedication out of employment,
The prudence out of spending,
The ambition out of achievement, or God out of government and school.
And we certainly are NOT the ones who eliminated patience and tolerance from personal relationships and interactions with others!!
We do understand the meaning of patriotism, and remember those who have fought and died for our country.
Does anyone under the age of 50 know the lyrics to the Star Spangled Banner?
What about the last verse of My Country 'tis of Thee?
"Our father's God to thee, Author of liberty, To Thee we sing. Long may our land be bright, With freedom's Holy light. Protect us by Thy might, Great God our King."
Just look at the Seniors with tears in their eyes and pride in their hearts as they stand at attention with their hand over their hearts!
YES, I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN!
I'm the life of the party … even if it lasts until 8 p.m.
I'm very good at opening childproof caps - with a hammer.
I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.
I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing you're saying.
I'm very good at telling stories ... over and over and over and over....
I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not nearly as cute as mine.
I'm so cared for - long term care, eye care, private care, dental care.
I'm not really grouchy; I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, lawyers,
loud music, unruly kids, Toyota commercials, Tom Brokaw, Dan Rather, barking dogs, politicians, and a few other things I can't seem to remember right now.
I'm sure everything I can't find is in a safe, secure, place… somewhere.
I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg.
I'm having trouble remembering simple words like...
I'm beginning to realizing that aging is not for wimps.
I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days, and since when did they let kids become policemen?
I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?
How can my kids be older than I feel sometimes?
I'm a walking storeroom of facts but I've just lost the key to the storeroom door.
Yes, I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my
life!
Now if I could only remember who sent this to me, I wouldn't send it back to them, but I would send it to many more!
Have I already sent it to you???
If so, I'll try not to do it again (for a while.)
What? This is an email, isn’t it?
Monday, May 05, 2008
NJ or Bust
I am on the road again heading for Lindenwold and Pompton Lakes New Jersey with a load of puppies and adult dogs. I won't be back until Wednesday afternoon, so y'all be good and don't do anything I wouldn't do - which leaves the door pretty much open all the way.
I'll leave you with this little ditty:
Nominated as the world's best short joke of the year...
A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.
I'll leave you with this little ditty:
Nominated as the world's best short joke of the year...
A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.
Friday, May 02, 2008
I haven't Shot My Wad Yet E.Craig
After a short stay in America,
Michelangelo's "David" returned to Europe........
And for those of you who have headaches from slapping your forehead, I encourage you to take a dose of this…
Michelangelo's "David" returned to Europe........
And for those of you who have headaches from slapping your forehead, I encourage you to take a dose of this…
Thursday, May 01, 2008
Thursday Humor
ALSO:
Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, 'Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.'
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, 'Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live.'
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, 'In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.'
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, 'Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny.'
Again, Bruce instantly replies, 'Our allowance. Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine.'
Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this. 'Well Bruce, it seems like you have every thing figured out I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?'
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, 'Well, we've been lucky so far.'
Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.
And Thanks To Mary:
A man is walking by the zoo when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to devour her right in front the little girl's screaming parents.
The man runs to the cage, hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the man brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A reporter has seen the whole scene, and addressing the man, says: 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life.'
'Why, it was nothing,' said the man, 'really, the lion was behind bars and I knew God would protect me just as He did Daniel in the lions den long, long ago. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt was right.'
'I noticed a bible in your pocket.' said the journalist.
'Yes, I'm a Christian and was on my way to a bible study.' the man replies.
'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow papers will have this in first page.'
The journalist leaves. The following morning the man buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on first page:
'Right Wing Christian Fundamentalist Assaults African Immigrant and Steals His lunch.'
Monday, April 28, 2008
SENIORS ARE WHERE IT'S AT
Coffeypot wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office.... but she was dating someone else. One day Coffeypot got so frustrated that he went to her and said, 'I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you.'
The girl looked at him and then said, 'NO.'
Coffeypot said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.'
She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend. She called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down.' She agreed and accepts the proposal.
Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, 'What happened?'
Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, 'The bastard had all quarters!'
Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!
Moral lesson: Don’t underestimate us old dudes. WE GOT WAYS!
ON THE OTHER HAND WE SENIOR CITIZENS ARE THE NATION'S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!
HEARING AIDS
BAND AIDS
ROLL AIDS
WALKING AIDS
MEDICAL AIDS
GOVERNMENT AIDS
MOST OF ALL, MONETARY AID TO THEIR KIDS!
The girl looked at him and then said, 'NO.'
Coffeypot said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.'
She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend. She called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down.' She agreed and accepts the proposal.
Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, 'What happened?'
Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, 'The bastard had all quarters!'
Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!
Moral lesson: Don’t underestimate us old dudes. WE GOT WAYS!
ON THE OTHER HAND WE SENIOR CITIZENS ARE THE NATION'S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!
HEARING AIDS
BAND AIDS
ROLL AIDS
WALKING AIDS
MEDICAL AIDS
GOVERNMENT AIDS
MOST OF ALL, MONETARY AID TO THEIR KIDS!
Sunday, April 27, 2008
A Day With The Family
Marni posted some pictures of our trip to the Renaissance Festival, so I will add mine to the exhibition, too.
This is Carl, Marni, J-Man and Bug - my favorite people in the world.
Me and J-Man and Bug before they grew horns.
Everyone wanted me to have a picture with this ogre so I walked up to him and said, "Come here Sugar Lips, they want a picture of us together." That's when I got 'The Look.'
Of course the old saying is, "Been there; done that. Got a T-Shirt for it."
There are plenty more that I might show later. Some are from the bird sanctuary with plenty of parrots and macaws.
This is Carl, Marni, J-Man and Bug - my favorite people in the world.
Me and J-Man and Bug before they grew horns.
Everyone wanted me to have a picture with this ogre so I walked up to him and said, "Come here Sugar Lips, they want a picture of us together." That's when I got 'The Look.'
Of course the old saying is, "Been there; done that. Got a T-Shirt for it."
There are plenty more that I might show later. Some are from the bird sanctuary with plenty of parrots and macaws.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
OLDER THAN DIRT
Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore… under fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.
Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt."
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60 + year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly-----wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses
Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.
Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these."
A: Try a bookstore… under fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.
Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt."
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60 + year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly-----wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses
Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.
Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these."
Friday, April 25, 2008
NEVER NEVER NEVER
How many times do I have to tell you, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER Fart in a wetsuit.
And NEVER, NEVER, NEVER Complain to your wife about her cooking at bar-b-que.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
From a Danish Friend
This is from a friend who received it from a friend who had a friend living next door to another friend who, although he had never been to any Danish country, never the less knew how to spell Danish. So it must be true. If it isn’t, Brother Dave will send me a Snopes correction.
'We in Denmark cannot figure out why you are even bothering to hold an election.
On one side, you have a bitch who is a lawyer, married to a lawyer, and a lawyer who is married to a bitch who is a lawyer.
On the other side, you have a true war hero married to a woman with a huge chest who owns a beer distributorship.
Is there a contest here?'
'We in Denmark cannot figure out why you are even bothering to hold an election.
On one side, you have a bitch who is a lawyer, married to a lawyer, and a lawyer who is married to a bitch who is a lawyer.
On the other side, you have a true war hero married to a woman with a huge chest who owns a beer distributorship.
Is there a contest here?'
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Public Service Announcement
Pay close attention to this announcement. It can save lives. Seriously! No, Seriously!
Monday, April 21, 2008
Chain Letter
On my post below titled ‘There’s A Difference,’ Old Lady commented on her excellent theory about the development of relationships between men and women. It is a credible and plausible theory, but I think it is just her way of saying she dreams of multiple partners. So I dug into my files and came up with this chain letter from a few years back that will give her the multiple partners she desires and have fun doing it. Any of you who want to try it, go ahead. In some cases, you may get a few men multiple times, depending on who your contact list contains. So, enjoy! Oh! Don't send Sweet Tea one. She doesn't go for this shit - dammit.
Dear Old Lady,
This is a chain letter started with the hope of bringing relief to tired or unhappy wives. Unlike other chain letters you may have seen, this one doesn’t cost anything. Simply send a copy of this letter to four of your married friends who are tired or unhappy. Then bundle up your husband and send him on to the woman at the top of the list and add your name to the bottom of the list.
Someday you will be on top. When you’re name comes to the top of the list you will have received 16,487 men… and some of them are DANDIES. Have faith in this letter and don’t break the chain. One woman broke the chain and got her old man back. Don’t let this happen to you.
At the time of this letter, a friend of mine had received 465 men. They buried her yesterday, and it took seven undertakers 36 hours to get the smile off her face and two days to get her legs together so they could close the coffin.
Sincerely,
A Good Friend.
Dear Old Lady,
This is a chain letter started with the hope of bringing relief to tired or unhappy wives. Unlike other chain letters you may have seen, this one doesn’t cost anything. Simply send a copy of this letter to four of your married friends who are tired or unhappy. Then bundle up your husband and send him on to the woman at the top of the list and add your name to the bottom of the list.
Someday you will be on top. When you’re name comes to the top of the list you will have received 16,487 men… and some of them are DANDIES. Have faith in this letter and don’t break the chain. One woman broke the chain and got her old man back. Don’t let this happen to you.
At the time of this letter, a friend of mine had received 465 men. They buried her yesterday, and it took seven undertakers 36 hours to get the smile off her face and two days to get her legs together so they could close the coffin.
Sincerely,
A Good Friend.
Saturday, April 19, 2008
USS IOWA
Today, twenty-nine years ago, forty seven young men lost their lives while serving in the #2 gun mount on the USS Iowa (BB61). While sailing in the Caribbean, the ship was performing gunnery practice by firing her 16 inch guns. These are huge guns and firing one can send reverberations thought-out the ship. There are three of these bad boys in each turret, and there are two turrets on the bow (front) of the ship. When a full broadside (all the turrets for and aft aimed to port or to starboard) the ship moves sideways in the water and anyone standing outside can be killed by the concussions. Each powder magazine weighs over 600 pounds and fires a 1200 pound projectile over 26 miles with pin-point accuracy.
This morning (9:58 a.m.) turret #2 fired its first salvo and was immediately followed by a secondary explosion that killed the 47 young men.
One of the men was FCSA (Fire Controlman Seaman Apprentice) Richard J. Lewis, the brother of a friend of mine. Amy doesn’t talk about it much, but she and her family are deeply affected by the incident.
As much as I sometimes enjoyed and sometimes hated my service in the Navy, I am proud that I served. But the Navy also has a way of being self-serving and devious. The initial story was that a petty office deliberately set off the explosion because of a homosexual relationship gone wrong. The families (including Amy’s mother) fought this lie and won. FCSA Lewis wasn’t one of the people involved in the relationship, though. The Navy came back and apologized and stated that they don’t know what really caused the explosion, but investigations speculated that after firing the first shot there was a blowback of fire that ignited the powder bag being loaded for the next shot. Normally this should not happen, but malfunctions do happen, but the real reason may never be known.
What is known is that the lives of 47 men were snuffed out in an instant and the lives of 47 families were changed forever, not to mention the crew who had to recover the bodies of their friends. Every man and woman who has served in the service knows that they may have to lay down their lives for their country. Some do it in battle, some do it in sickbay from an illness or organ failure, or from an accident, but to die from an error or accident that wasn’t of your own making is horrible. This is one of the strongest feelings anyone serving has, that his fellow mates might die because of his/her error or not doing their job the way they were trained to do. That reason alone was enough for me not to believe the initial reports of a love gone wrong. I have never believed it and many of my fellow veterans haven’t either.
But like the 74 men who went down on my ship in 1969, these 47 deserve to be remembered, too. They were the cream of the crop of the late 80’s and they deserve to be remembered. So, Amy, I remember!
This morning (9:58 a.m.) turret #2 fired its first salvo and was immediately followed by a secondary explosion that killed the 47 young men.
One of the men was FCSA (Fire Controlman Seaman Apprentice) Richard J. Lewis, the brother of a friend of mine. Amy doesn’t talk about it much, but she and her family are deeply affected by the incident.
As much as I sometimes enjoyed and sometimes hated my service in the Navy, I am proud that I served. But the Navy also has a way of being self-serving and devious. The initial story was that a petty office deliberately set off the explosion because of a homosexual relationship gone wrong. The families (including Amy’s mother) fought this lie and won. FCSA Lewis wasn’t one of the people involved in the relationship, though. The Navy came back and apologized and stated that they don’t know what really caused the explosion, but investigations speculated that after firing the first shot there was a blowback of fire that ignited the powder bag being loaded for the next shot. Normally this should not happen, but malfunctions do happen, but the real reason may never be known.
What is known is that the lives of 47 men were snuffed out in an instant and the lives of 47 families were changed forever, not to mention the crew who had to recover the bodies of their friends. Every man and woman who has served in the service knows that they may have to lay down their lives for their country. Some do it in battle, some do it in sickbay from an illness or organ failure, or from an accident, but to die from an error or accident that wasn’t of your own making is horrible. This is one of the strongest feelings anyone serving has, that his fellow mates might die because of his/her error or not doing their job the way they were trained to do. That reason alone was enough for me not to believe the initial reports of a love gone wrong. I have never believed it and many of my fellow veterans haven’t either.
But like the 74 men who went down on my ship in 1969, these 47 deserve to be remembered, too. They were the cream of the crop of the late 80’s and they deserve to be remembered. So, Amy, I remember!
Friday, April 18, 2008
There is a Difference
We all know that Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. Below are examples that prove this thrum.
Women As Explained by Engineers
Any Questions?
Women As Explained by Engineers
Any Questions?
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Thursday Humor
Thanks to my friend Mary:
Three Women: One engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to AMAZE their men. That night they decided to wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and a mask over their eyes.
After a few days they meet again....
The engaged girlfriend said, ‘The other night, when my boyfriend came home, he found me with the leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you.' Then we made love all night long.
The mistress said, ‘AH! Me, too; the other night I met my lover in the office and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say anything...But we had wild sex all night.
The married one said, 'The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night and I got myself ready: leather bodice, super stilettos and a mask over my eyes. My husband comes in from work and opens the door and says: 'HEY BATMAN, WHAT'S FOR DINNER?'
And I am adding:
A woman stopped by her daughters house for a visit without call first. Being a mom, she did have to know before going in, so she opened the door and there was her daughter lying on the couch – naked.
“What in the world are you doing?” she screamed.
The daughter, embarrassed and trying to cover herself said, “It’s time for my husband to come home and I frequently greet him in my birthday suit. It turns him on and we have great sex all night long.”
“Well, I had better leave.” the mother said as she embarrassingly backed out of the door.
But she thought about it all the way home and thought she would give it a try with her husband. When it was time for him to come in the door, she shucked her clothes, jumped on the couch and waited.
He came in the door, saw her laying there and shockingly said, “What in the hell are you doing, woman?”
She said, “I thought I would greet you in my birthday suit.”
He took off his cap, set down in his chair with the remote control and said, “Birthday suit? Well you need to iron the damn thing. It’s wrinkled as hell.” His visiting hours are for family only.
Three Women: One engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to AMAZE their men. That night they decided to wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and a mask over their eyes.
After a few days they meet again....
The engaged girlfriend said, ‘The other night, when my boyfriend came home, he found me with the leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you.' Then we made love all night long.
The mistress said, ‘AH! Me, too; the other night I met my lover in the office and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say anything...But we had wild sex all night.
The married one said, 'The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night and I got myself ready: leather bodice, super stilettos and a mask over my eyes. My husband comes in from work and opens the door and says: 'HEY BATMAN, WHAT'S FOR DINNER?'
And I am adding:
A woman stopped by her daughters house for a visit without call first. Being a mom, she did have to know before going in, so she opened the door and there was her daughter lying on the couch – naked.
“What in the world are you doing?” she screamed.
The daughter, embarrassed and trying to cover herself said, “It’s time for my husband to come home and I frequently greet him in my birthday suit. It turns him on and we have great sex all night long.”
“Well, I had better leave.” the mother said as she embarrassingly backed out of the door.
But she thought about it all the way home and thought she would give it a try with her husband. When it was time for him to come in the door, she shucked her clothes, jumped on the couch and waited.
He came in the door, saw her laying there and shockingly said, “What in the hell are you doing, woman?”
She said, “I thought I would greet you in my birthday suit.”
He took off his cap, set down in his chair with the remote control and said, “Birthday suit? Well you need to iron the damn thing. It’s wrinkled as hell.” His visiting hours are for family only.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
There She Goes
Some you have been wondering where I have been. I’m well and happy, but very busy. We have sold our old homestead of fifteen years (see below) and the closing is scheduled for July 1st.
This is the view from the front stoop looking across the street to the club house, pool and the tennis courts. There are two of these in the 'hood and in the summer time there are some might purty bikinis over thar.
We have many mixed feelings about doing this. We like our house, but it is entirely too big for just Sweet Tea and I. There are four bedrooms and three baths on the second floor; two staircases from the main floor to the second floor and one to the basement. We have a huge kitchen and breakfast area, a two story den, a formal living room and a dining room with a half bath. The basement has a ‘mother-in-law’s’ apartment where Steven and Laura live – bedroom, bathroom, living room and kitchen. It has a game room and an office along with a storage place. We simply do not need it anymore. So we are downsizing – with the operative word being ‘down’.
I have spent the last few days riding all over North East Georgia looking for land, hopefully with at least one dwelling on it. Our goal is to get a track of land that is – or can be – divided into three parcels. Sweet Tea and I will live on one, Steven and Laura on one and Dr. Amber and Bob and the rescue dogs on the other. Not an easy task.
I found a farm with twelve acres which included a double wide trailer, a four stall barn and a hay barn. It has a huge garage/work shop and the whole place is fenced in. It is almost perfect for us. They raise miniature horses, turkeys and chickens. Sounds too good, huh? The bad news is six acres are on a green belt with high power wires crossing the land cutting it in half. You can feed animals, run naked across the fields, or most anything, except build a permanent structure on it. So that property seems to be out; we are still thinking about it. If we do get this parcel, any of you who want to run naked acorss the patures are welcome to come and join us. You can pee on the trees, too.
We are also thinking about a trailer park we found that has five trailers on it. They aren’t in the best of shape, but the land is half the price of the farm above and what we are getting from the sale of our homestead. The thinking right now is to live in the trailers, build a log cabin or a prefab home on the land and then scrap all the trailers. This land is over six acres, but we can use all of it. It is backed by woods and there huge farms on either side of the park. There seem to me there are more hunting dogs than people in there area.
Our agent and I are still looking at land, burning gas and trying to keep Sweet Tea, who is in New Jersey till the end of the week, informed. I take pictures on the cell phone and email them to her, but you have to be there to see the real thing. We will do this next week – when I get back from my dog transport to New Jersey.
We may end up living in a motel for a while until we can find something and get settled. In the mean time, I will try to keep y’all informed. I have been reading your stuff, but have been too tired to try to post. Sorry! I’m an old fucker and need my rest. Later!
This is the view from the front stoop looking across the street to the club house, pool and the tennis courts. There are two of these in the 'hood and in the summer time there are some might purty bikinis over thar.
We have many mixed feelings about doing this. We like our house, but it is entirely too big for just Sweet Tea and I. There are four bedrooms and three baths on the second floor; two staircases from the main floor to the second floor and one to the basement. We have a huge kitchen and breakfast area, a two story den, a formal living room and a dining room with a half bath. The basement has a ‘mother-in-law’s’ apartment where Steven and Laura live – bedroom, bathroom, living room and kitchen. It has a game room and an office along with a storage place. We simply do not need it anymore. So we are downsizing – with the operative word being ‘down’.
I have spent the last few days riding all over North East Georgia looking for land, hopefully with at least one dwelling on it. Our goal is to get a track of land that is – or can be – divided into three parcels. Sweet Tea and I will live on one, Steven and Laura on one and Dr. Amber and Bob and the rescue dogs on the other. Not an easy task.
I found a farm with twelve acres which included a double wide trailer, a four stall barn and a hay barn. It has a huge garage/work shop and the whole place is fenced in. It is almost perfect for us. They raise miniature horses, turkeys and chickens. Sounds too good, huh? The bad news is six acres are on a green belt with high power wires crossing the land cutting it in half. You can feed animals, run naked across the fields, or most anything, except build a permanent structure on it. So that property seems to be out; we are still thinking about it. If we do get this parcel, any of you who want to run naked acorss the patures are welcome to come and join us. You can pee on the trees, too.
We are also thinking about a trailer park we found that has five trailers on it. They aren’t in the best of shape, but the land is half the price of the farm above and what we are getting from the sale of our homestead. The thinking right now is to live in the trailers, build a log cabin or a prefab home on the land and then scrap all the trailers. This land is over six acres, but we can use all of it. It is backed by woods and there huge farms on either side of the park. There seem to me there are more hunting dogs than people in there area.
Our agent and I are still looking at land, burning gas and trying to keep Sweet Tea, who is in New Jersey till the end of the week, informed. I take pictures on the cell phone and email them to her, but you have to be there to see the real thing. We will do this next week – when I get back from my dog transport to New Jersey.
We may end up living in a motel for a while until we can find something and get settled. In the mean time, I will try to keep y’all informed. I have been reading your stuff, but have been too tired to try to post. Sorry! I’m an old fucker and need my rest. Later!
Monday, April 07, 2008
The First Computer
I know most of you have seen this before, but I though you needed to see it again. Those of you who haven't seen it before, enjoy or ignore, depending on your mood.
Memory was something you lost with age.
An application was for employment.
A program was a TV show.
A cursor used profanity.
A keyboard was a piano.
A web was a spider's home.
A virus was the flu.
A CD was a bank account.
A hard drive was a long trip on the road.
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived.
And if you had a 3 inch floppy. . . You just hoped nobody ever found out!
Remeber those simple days? The times, they are a changing.
Memory was something you lost with age.
An application was for employment.
A program was a TV show.
A cursor used profanity.
A keyboard was a piano.
A web was a spider's home.
A virus was the flu.
A CD was a bank account.
A hard drive was a long trip on the road.
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived.
And if you had a 3 inch floppy. . . You just hoped nobody ever found out!
Remeber those simple days? The times, they are a changing.
Sunday, April 06, 2008
Underwear and T-Shirts
I got up this morning feeling fine and dandy. Jumped into the shower and washed off real good – some parts took more time to wash than others, but you don’t care about that. The point is, I got out, toweled off, and went to get some skivvies. But there were no clean skivvies. None! I haven’t done my laundry yet, and I didn’t realize the severity of the depletion of the undergarments.
So I dress commando and off to Wal Mart I go just a swinging. I don’t like to shop. I hate it. So I restock my skivvies and white socks about twice a year. This was about the time I need to do it, so I loaded up on several pair. Brief’s, boxer briefs, t-shirts and socks. Some colored, some white. Now I am all covered and it feels good to have clean, new cloth snuggling up to the tool and the nuts.
When you first go into Wal Mart there is a section as you go in the door with specialty items they are trying desperately to push. The first half of this section was full of t-shirts with an ecology theme. Sayings, like ‘Green Is The Next Black’ – what ever that means. Another one was a white shirt with what looks like it has dirt and grease on it and the saying, ‘Save Energy, Don’t Wash Your Shirts.’ But my favorite was, ‘Save The Planet. It’s The Only One With Beer.” That’s as good a reason as any other I have heard. Imagine living on Mars without beer. Shudder! But I didn’t buy one, though. I’m not that big a dork. Not anymore! Not is years! Not since last week. Not since… Okay! I didn’t have enough money. OKAAAYYYY!
Gotta run, now. I get to sit with the kiddies tonight while Marni and Carl go off on a date, and they have call me twice now wanting to know where I am. Love those little shits!
So I dress commando and off to Wal Mart I go just a swinging. I don’t like to shop. I hate it. So I restock my skivvies and white socks about twice a year. This was about the time I need to do it, so I loaded up on several pair. Brief’s, boxer briefs, t-shirts and socks. Some colored, some white. Now I am all covered and it feels good to have clean, new cloth snuggling up to the tool and the nuts.
When you first go into Wal Mart there is a section as you go in the door with specialty items they are trying desperately to push. The first half of this section was full of t-shirts with an ecology theme. Sayings, like ‘Green Is The Next Black’ – what ever that means. Another one was a white shirt with what looks like it has dirt and grease on it and the saying, ‘Save Energy, Don’t Wash Your Shirts.’ But my favorite was, ‘Save The Planet. It’s The Only One With Beer.” That’s as good a reason as any other I have heard. Imagine living on Mars without beer. Shudder! But I didn’t buy one, though. I’m not that big a dork. Not anymore! Not is years! Not since last week. Not since… Okay! I didn’t have enough money. OKAAAYYYY!
Gotta run, now. I get to sit with the kiddies tonight while Marni and Carl go off on a date, and they have call me twice now wanting to know where I am. Love those little shits!
Thursday, April 03, 2008
Staying Healthy
Does this sound familiar?
During a visit to my doctor we were discussing my prostate, which is swollen. No cancer or anything like that, just aging. Anyway, he told me to ejaculate as often as I could, that it helps with the swelling.
Well, you know me, I ask him for a prescription for a three times weekly visit with a hooker so the insurance would pay for it, and that he should provide a nurse for immediate medication.
He just placed his hand on my shoulder and said that if that worked that easily he would have use up all his Rx pads on himself. It’s a shame, too. He has some awesome looking nurses and one bodacious PA.
During a visit to my doctor we were discussing my prostate, which is swollen. No cancer or anything like that, just aging. Anyway, he told me to ejaculate as often as I could, that it helps with the swelling.
Well, you know me, I ask him for a prescription for a three times weekly visit with a hooker so the insurance would pay for it, and that he should provide a nurse for immediate medication.
He just placed his hand on my shoulder and said that if that worked that easily he would have use up all his Rx pads on himself. It’s a shame, too. He has some awesome looking nurses and one bodacious PA.
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
I Lost A Girlfriend Today
An old girlfriend died today. I never dated her or anything like that. Never saw her outside of work. I just worked with her back in the early 80’s and she was one of my favorite people ever. Her name was Betty and she was the stereotypical country and western barfly woman. But she rarely went to the bars, at least when I knew her.
She was ten years older than me and had a 20 year old retarded son that she doted over. When she did get out, though, she was a pistol ball. She always wore tight fitting jeans or a mini skirt, a feminine western type shirt or t-shirt and her boots. Betty also had big hair, teased and sprayed with 15 pounds of hairspray. Her voice was the deep, raspy voice of someone who smoked most of her life and she would end her laughs with a deep wet cough. She cussed like a sailor and would leave us in tears with her stories.
The men in the bars loved her, too. Not in the way you would think – though she would indulge herself every now and then. They just loved her one liner’s. She would tell us about them during break at work and laugh and cough her ass off. I have shamelessly use some of her sayings myself, or told others to use them.
A couple I remember her telling was: “Some dude would come up to me and say, ‘Betty, I sure would like to have a little pussy.’ And she would tell him, “Me, too. I’m about to swallow this barstool.” Or one would tell her, “I sure would like to get laid tonight.” She would tell him, “Well, crawl up a chicken’s ass and wait.” She informed us that you could tell when she was wearing panties under her mini skirt. If she wasn’t, then when she set down on the barstool she would go straight to the floor.
I wish I had been able to know her better and longer, but I was injured on the job and finally left the company and lost track of her. I saw an old friend at the Waffle House today, and he told me about Betty. God, I loved that woman. They don’t make many liker her.
Along the same lines, my brother e-mailed this to me today. I don’t think he understood it though, since he is as queer as a football bat. But he is cool and the funniest one in the family, too.
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives. However, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezes. Incredibly drunk, and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with, so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed -- hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!"
That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that said.....
"From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you!"
She was ten years older than me and had a 20 year old retarded son that she doted over. When she did get out, though, she was a pistol ball. She always wore tight fitting jeans or a mini skirt, a feminine western type shirt or t-shirt and her boots. Betty also had big hair, teased and sprayed with 15 pounds of hairspray. Her voice was the deep, raspy voice of someone who smoked most of her life and she would end her laughs with a deep wet cough. She cussed like a sailor and would leave us in tears with her stories.
The men in the bars loved her, too. Not in the way you would think – though she would indulge herself every now and then. They just loved her one liner’s. She would tell us about them during break at work and laugh and cough her ass off. I have shamelessly use some of her sayings myself, or told others to use them.
A couple I remember her telling was: “Some dude would come up to me and say, ‘Betty, I sure would like to have a little pussy.’ And she would tell him, “Me, too. I’m about to swallow this barstool.” Or one would tell her, “I sure would like to get laid tonight.” She would tell him, “Well, crawl up a chicken’s ass and wait.” She informed us that you could tell when she was wearing panties under her mini skirt. If she wasn’t, then when she set down on the barstool she would go straight to the floor.
I wish I had been able to know her better and longer, but I was injured on the job and finally left the company and lost track of her. I saw an old friend at the Waffle House today, and he told me about Betty. God, I loved that woman. They don’t make many liker her.
Along the same lines, my brother e-mailed this to me today. I don’t think he understood it though, since he is as queer as a football bat. But he is cool and the funniest one in the family, too.
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives. However, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezes. Incredibly drunk, and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with, so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed -- hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!"
That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that said.....
"From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you!"
I've Been Busy
Boy, it’s been a long few days. I left for New York on Thursday night around 10:00 p.m. and drove all night arriving at the first location around 12:30 p.m. on Friday. Unloaded most of the dogs and then drove the thirty minuets to the other location. I was back on the road around 2:30 and drove until 8:00 p.m. I had to stop in Hagerstown, MD, at the Motel 6 and slept till 5:00 a.m. on Saturday before heading out again. I mad it back home about 5:00 p.m. on Saturday. I could have been back by 4:00 but I had to waist about an hour in Charlotte while one of there State Patrolmen gave me a speeding ticket for doing 80 mph in a 60 mph zone.
When an eight lane highway has a two or three mile strip posted at 60 mph then moves back up to 65 mph, it is not a safety issue – it’s a revenue generating issue. But it is the cost of doing business. I’ll pay the fine.
Then I got a call on the cell phone from my real-estate agent telling me we have a contract on our house. We are scheduled for closing on or about July 1st. We are now looking to northeast Georgia area for a few archers that will accommodate three houses. We want a small two or three bedroom house with a front porch. Right now we have a house with four bedrooms and three full baths on the second floor and an apartment complete with kitchen, living room and bed room for living pulse an office, some storage and a game room in the daylight basement with its own entrance. Steven and Laura live down there. Way too much for Sweet Tea and me, though. We are so looking forward to having a much smaller home.
But I may be off-line for a while until we can get moved and either cable set up or DSL. Does Direct TV have computer connections? I’ll have to find out about that.
Anyway, on Sunday, Sweet Tea, my step-son, Steven and his wife, Laura, drove the two hours out to Dr. Amber’s place and finished her kennels by adding two foot walls and four foot chain link fencing in the four different cages. This gives her eight concrete cages for the puppies and dogs. It was sprinkling rain and about 50 degrees the whole day, but it was fun and we did laugh a lot. The cages are even baptized in blood in a few places. But we had no trouble going to sleep on Sunday night.
Yesterday we spent the morning getting Sweet Tea packed and delivered to the Atlanta airport. She is off again to New Jersey for three weeks. So I slept in this morning and got up around 8:30. I’ve been blogging ever since. I do owe Tookie Tail and my niece, Beth, a meme, but I have to be in the mood to do those things and I AM NOT right now. Give me a few days and I’ll post them.
In the mean time, I have to start doing some packing and sorting. And looking at property!
I’ll leave you with this little dittie:
When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. However after several weeks his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches. Ralph became quite concerned, so he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.
After an initial examination, the physician explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be cured through corrective surgery.
"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.
"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.
"Well," said the wife, "you are planning to lengthen Ralph's legs, aren't you?"
When an eight lane highway has a two or three mile strip posted at 60 mph then moves back up to 65 mph, it is not a safety issue – it’s a revenue generating issue. But it is the cost of doing business. I’ll pay the fine.
Then I got a call on the cell phone from my real-estate agent telling me we have a contract on our house. We are scheduled for closing on or about July 1st. We are now looking to northeast Georgia area for a few archers that will accommodate three houses. We want a small two or three bedroom house with a front porch. Right now we have a house with four bedrooms and three full baths on the second floor and an apartment complete with kitchen, living room and bed room for living pulse an office, some storage and a game room in the daylight basement with its own entrance. Steven and Laura live down there. Way too much for Sweet Tea and me, though. We are so looking forward to having a much smaller home.
But I may be off-line for a while until we can get moved and either cable set up or DSL. Does Direct TV have computer connections? I’ll have to find out about that.
Anyway, on Sunday, Sweet Tea, my step-son, Steven and his wife, Laura, drove the two hours out to Dr. Amber’s place and finished her kennels by adding two foot walls and four foot chain link fencing in the four different cages. This gives her eight concrete cages for the puppies and dogs. It was sprinkling rain and about 50 degrees the whole day, but it was fun and we did laugh a lot. The cages are even baptized in blood in a few places. But we had no trouble going to sleep on Sunday night.
Yesterday we spent the morning getting Sweet Tea packed and delivered to the Atlanta airport. She is off again to New Jersey for three weeks. So I slept in this morning and got up around 8:30. I’ve been blogging ever since. I do owe Tookie Tail and my niece, Beth, a meme, but I have to be in the mood to do those things and I AM NOT right now. Give me a few days and I’ll post them.
In the mean time, I have to start doing some packing and sorting. And looking at property!
I’ll leave you with this little dittie:
When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. However after several weeks his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches. Ralph became quite concerned, so he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.
After an initial examination, the physician explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be cured through corrective surgery.
"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.
"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.
"Well," said the wife, "you are planning to lengthen Ralph's legs, aren't you?"
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Kittens For Fun - Puppies For Delivery
Little Suzy had a box of very small kittens that she was trying to give away, so she had them out on the street corner with a sign 'FREE KITTENS' next to them. Suddenly a big line of big black cars came up with a motorcycle policeman in front. The cars all stopped and a tall man stepped out from the biggest car. 'Hi, little girl, what do you have there in the box?' he asked.
'Kittens' Little Suzy says. 'They're so small; their eyes are not even open yet.'
'What kind of kittens are they?' he asked.
'DEMOCRATS' says Little Suzy.
The tall man chuckled, returned to his car and they drove away. Sensing a good photo opportunity, Barack Hussein Obama called his campaign manager and told him about the little girl and the kittens. It was planned that they would return the next day, have all the media there and tell everyone about these great kittens.
The next day, Little Suzy is standing out on the corner with her box of kittens and the 'FREE KITTENS' sign. The big motorcade of black cars pulled up with all the vans and trucks from ABC, NBC, CBS and CNN.
Everyone had their cameras ready and then, Barack Hussein Obama got out of his limo and walked up to Little Suzy. 'Now, don't be frightened,' he said, 'I just want you to tell all these nice news people just what kind of kittens you're giving away today.'
'Yes sir,' Suzy said, 'They are all 'REPUBLICAN' kittens.'
Taken by surprise, Obama said, 'But yesterday, you told me that they were DEMOCRATS.'
Little Suzy says, 'Yes, I know. But today, they have their eyes open.'
Soooo, I haven’t been on-line all day because I am preparing to take a load of Republican puppies and a few older dogs to New York (Niskayuna and Menands with a total of 12 puppies and 9 adult Republicans.) So I won’t be around until Saturday night. Y’all have fun and I’ll see ya later.
'Kittens' Little Suzy says. 'They're so small; their eyes are not even open yet.'
'What kind of kittens are they?' he asked.
'DEMOCRATS' says Little Suzy.
The tall man chuckled, returned to his car and they drove away. Sensing a good photo opportunity, Barack Hussein Obama called his campaign manager and told him about the little girl and the kittens. It was planned that they would return the next day, have all the media there and tell everyone about these great kittens.
The next day, Little Suzy is standing out on the corner with her box of kittens and the 'FREE KITTENS' sign. The big motorcade of black cars pulled up with all the vans and trucks from ABC, NBC, CBS and CNN.
Everyone had their cameras ready and then, Barack Hussein Obama got out of his limo and walked up to Little Suzy. 'Now, don't be frightened,' he said, 'I just want you to tell all these nice news people just what kind of kittens you're giving away today.'
'Yes sir,' Suzy said, 'They are all 'REPUBLICAN' kittens.'
Taken by surprise, Obama said, 'But yesterday, you told me that they were DEMOCRATS.'
Little Suzy says, 'Yes, I know. But today, they have their eyes open.'
Soooo, I haven’t been on-line all day because I am preparing to take a load of Republican puppies and a few older dogs to New York (Niskayuna and Menands with a total of 12 puppies and 9 adult Republicans.) So I won’t be around until Saturday night. Y’all have fun and I’ll see ya later.
Thursday Humor
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the
men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the
ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd
allow me, she told him."
"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel?"
He replied: "It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken."
Or
Q: How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?
A: 10 little piggies; 2 calves; 1 ass; and an unknown number of hares.
Okay! So it's not the best stuff you have ever read, but it's better than reading the news.
men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the
ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd
allow me, she told him."
"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel?"
He replied: "It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken."
Or
Q: How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?
A: 10 little piggies; 2 calves; 1 ass; and an unknown number of hares.
Okay! So it's not the best stuff you have ever read, but it's better than reading the news.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
COFFEYPOT's School Days
Before I get into a few tails of me in school I thought you might enjoy these two pictures.
It is important to stay in shape. Try this exercise. Sadly, Sweet Tea can only use one hand with me.
Never let it be said that a Red Neck cannot think fast and improvise. Check out this Tank Top!
Now, for a few stories from my schoold days.
LITTLE COFFEYPOT ON MATH (Part 1)
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
She calls on little Coffeypot.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then little Coffeypot says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice-cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little Coffeypot replied, "The correct answer is ‘the one with the wedding ring on,’ but I like your thinking."
LITTLE COFFEYPOT ON MATH (Part 2)
Little Coffeypot returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father?
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2 x 3?'
“I said ‘6’”, replies Coffeypot.
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me how much is 3 x 2?"
"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"
LITTLE COFFEYPOT ON ENGLISH
Little Coffeypot goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
Coffeypot says "Mas-tur-bate!"
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little Coffeypot, that's a mouthful."
Little Coffeypot says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
LITTLE COFFEYPOT ON GRAMMAR (Part 1)
Little Coffeypot was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"
The teacher replied, 'Now, Coffeypot, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."
Little Coffeypot, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"
LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."
She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on little Coffeypot........
"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!'"
LITTLE COFFEYPOT ON GETTING OLDER
Little Coffeypot was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after
another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know
eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little Coffeypot replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little Coffeypot answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business.”
Does this help you to understand me a little more?
It is important to stay in shape. Try this exercise. Sadly, Sweet Tea can only use one hand with me.
Never let it be said that a Red Neck cannot think fast and improvise. Check out this Tank Top!
Now, for a few stories from my schoold days.
LITTLE COFFEYPOT ON MATH (Part 1)
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
She calls on little Coffeypot.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then little Coffeypot says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice-cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little Coffeypot replied, "The correct answer is ‘the one with the wedding ring on,’ but I like your thinking."
LITTLE COFFEYPOT ON MATH (Part 2)
Little Coffeypot returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father?
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2 x 3?'
“I said ‘6’”, replies Coffeypot.
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me how much is 3 x 2?"
"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"
LITTLE COFFEYPOT ON ENGLISH
Little Coffeypot goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
Coffeypot says "Mas-tur-bate!"
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little Coffeypot, that's a mouthful."
Little Coffeypot says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
LITTLE COFFEYPOT ON GRAMMAR (Part 1)
Little Coffeypot was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"
The teacher replied, 'Now, Coffeypot, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."
Little Coffeypot, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"
LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."
She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on little Coffeypot........
"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!'"
LITTLE COFFEYPOT ON GETTING OLDER
Little Coffeypot was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after
another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know
eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little Coffeypot replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little Coffeypot answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business.”
Does this help you to understand me a little more?
Monday, March 24, 2008
To Help Your Tuesday Go A Little Easier
Cheeseburger Anyone?
A crusty old biker, with bugs in his teeth, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar which Reads: - CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 - CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 - HAND JOB: $10.00.
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers.
'Yes?' she inquires with a knowing smile, 'Can I help you?'
'I was wondering, sugar,’ whispers the old biker, 'are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?'
'Yes,' she purrs, 'I am'
The old biker replies, 'Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger.”
*******
A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears. 'Promise me you won't tell me.'
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, “When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech. If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for.”
*******
The sharing of marriage...
An old man and his wife went into a hamburger joint. The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink; his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said, "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"
She answered, "THE TEETH.”
A crusty old biker, with bugs in his teeth, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar which Reads: - CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 - CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 - HAND JOB: $10.00.
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers.
'Yes?' she inquires with a knowing smile, 'Can I help you?'
'I was wondering, sugar,’ whispers the old biker, 'are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?'
'Yes,' she purrs, 'I am'
The old biker replies, 'Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger.”
*******
A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears. 'Promise me you won't tell me.'
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, “When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech. If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for.”
*******
The sharing of marriage...
An old man and his wife went into a hamburger joint. The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink; his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said, "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"
She answered, "THE TEETH.”
Sunday, March 23, 2008
No More Bra's
In my column below titled ‘OLD’, Pamela (from The Dust Will Wait) ask if she went without a bra would it pull the wrinkles out of her face (not that a sweet face like her's would ever need adjusting)? The proof is below, folks. I know its springtime and all the girls start showing their bellybuttons - but look how smooth her face is, too. It works, folks. No Bra, No Wrinkles!
Saturday, March 22, 2008
HAPPY KEESTER
ALL I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT LIFE
I LEARNED FROM THE EASTER BUNNY
Don't put all of your eggs in one basket.
Walk softly and carry a big carrot.
Everyone needs a friend who is all ears.
There's no such thing as too much candy.
All work and no play can make you a basket case.
A cute little tail attracts a lot of attention.
Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day.
Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits.
Some body parts should be floppy.
Keep your paws off other people's jellybeans.
Good things come in small sugarcoated packages.
The grass is always greener in someone else's basket.
An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare.
To show your true colors you have to come out of your shell.
The best things in life are still sweet and gooey.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Adoption and Sexual Harassment
Below are a couple of tidbits that Casual Slack gave me… uh, loaned me… okay, I stole the damn things but they were too funny not too.
This one is about adoption by a trendy, not to bright couple:
This one is a serious documentary concerning Sexual Harassment in the Work Place.
Now you know why I couldn't resist passing these along. Jen, at Casual Slack and The Fee Feasible Prophecies. I encourage each of you to go these two sites and enjoy her stuff.
This one is about adoption by a trendy, not to bright couple:
This one is a serious documentary concerning Sexual Harassment in the Work Place.
Now you know why I couldn't resist passing these along. Jen, at Casual Slack and The Fee Feasible Prophecies. I encourage each of you to go these two sites and enjoy her stuff.
Romantic Valentines Ballad
This is a touching ballad that brought tears to my eyes.
If you don't have tears in your eyes after watching this, you are a hard hearted soul.
If you don't have tears in your eyes after watching this, you are a hard hearted soul.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
OLD
'OLD' is when your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'
'OLD' is when your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
'OLD' is when A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
'OLD' is when going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
'OLD' is when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
'OLD' is when you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
'OLD' is when 'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today.
'OLD' is when 'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.
'OLD' is when an 'all-nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.
'OLD' is when you are not sure these are jokes?
**********
PRENUPTIAL AGREEMENT---SENIOR STYLE
An elderly couple were about to get married.
She said: I want to keep my house
He said: That's fine with me.
She said: I want to keep my Cadillac.
He said: That's fine with me.
She said: I want to have sex 2 times a week.
He said: Put me down for Fridays
'OLD' is when your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
'OLD' is when A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
'OLD' is when going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
'OLD' is when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
'OLD' is when you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
'OLD' is when 'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today.
'OLD' is when 'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.
'OLD' is when an 'all-nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.
'OLD' is when you are not sure these are jokes?
**********
PRENUPTIAL AGREEMENT---SENIOR STYLE
An elderly couple were about to get married.
She said: I want to keep my house
He said: That's fine with me.
She said: I want to keep my Cadillac.
He said: That's fine with me.
She said: I want to have sex 2 times a week.
He said: Put me down for Fridays
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
A Special Easter This Year
Easter this year is a little more special than usual. Easter is always on the 1st Sunday after the 1st full moon after the Spring Equinox (which is March 20). This dating of Easter is based on the lunar calendar that the Hebrew people used to identify Passover, which is why it moves around on our Roman calendar.
I found out a couple of things that you might find interesting. Based on the above, Easter can actually be one day earlier (March 22) but that is pretty rare.
Here's the interesting information. This year is the earliest Easter any of us will ever see the rest of our lives. And only the most elderly of our population have ever seen it this early (95 years old or above.) And none of us have ever, or will ever, see it a day earlier. Here are the facts:
1) The next time Easter will be this early (March 23) will be the year 2228 - 220 years from now. The last time it was this early was 1913 (so if you're 95 or older, you are the only ones that were around for that.)
2) The next time it will be a day earlier, March 22, will be in the year 2285 - 277 years from now. The last time it was on March 22 was 1818. So, no one alive today has or ever will see it any earlier than this year!
3). Just hope that you are still around next week, or you will miss the event of your lifetime. I am skipping this one, I sticking around for the one on March 22 in the year 2285.
I found out a couple of things that you might find interesting. Based on the above, Easter can actually be one day earlier (March 22) but that is pretty rare.
Here's the interesting information. This year is the earliest Easter any of us will ever see the rest of our lives. And only the most elderly of our population have ever seen it this early (95 years old or above.) And none of us have ever, or will ever, see it a day earlier. Here are the facts:
1) The next time Easter will be this early (March 23) will be the year 2228 - 220 years from now. The last time it was this early was 1913 (so if you're 95 or older, you are the only ones that were around for that.)
2) The next time it will be a day earlier, March 22, will be in the year 2285 - 277 years from now. The last time it was on March 22 was 1818. So, no one alive today has or ever will see it any earlier than this year!
3). Just hope that you are still around next week, or you will miss the event of your lifetime. I am skipping this one, I sticking around for the one on March 22 in the year 2285.
Monday, March 17, 2008
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