Monday, July 16, 2018

For Newcomers To Georgia














You newcomers to Georgia, here are some things you need to know if you plan to stay here.

1. Save all bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
2. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way.  This is what they live for.
3. Remember: "Y'all" is singular.  "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
4. Get used to the phrase "It's not the heat, it's the humidity".  And the collateral phrase "You call this hot? Wait'll August."
5. Don't tell us how you did it up there. Nobody cares.
6. If you think it's too hot, don't worry. It'll cool down-in December.
7. A Mercedes-Benz is not a status symbol, a Jeep, Chevy, Dodge, or Ford is.
8. If someone says they're "fixin" to do something, that doesn't mean anything's broken.
9. The value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but the availability of shade.
10. If you see a slower moving vehicle on a two lane road pull onto the shoulder that is called "courtesy".
11. BBQ is a food group. It does NOT mean grilling burgers and hot dogs outdoors.
12. Yes, weddings, funerals, and divorces must take into account for Ga.Tech, UGA or Navy Football games. 
13. Everything is better with 1000 Island or ranch dressing.
14. DO NOT honk your horn at us to be obnoxious, we will sit there until we die.
15. We pull over and stop for emergency vehicles to pass. 
16. We pull over for funeral processions, turn our music off and men remove hats or caps. Some people put their hand over their heart.
17. "Bless your Heart" is a nice way of saying you're an idiot.
18. No matter what kind: sprite, coke, Pepsi, mountain dew, it isn't called soda or pop. It’s all called coke
19. If you don't like the weather in Georgia, wait 15 minutes, it will change
20. The difference between a Yankee and a Damn Yankee is, the Yankee goes back home.

21. And for you Liberals pussies…


Wednesday, June 27, 2018

Hints to Help

Okay, I'm back again, all safe and sound.  You can call off the search squads, the police and the FBI.  I just didn't have much to say, but I did read all those on the side bar everyday.  You should, too.  There is some might good posting going on over there.

So, for today, I didn't want to post on all the stuff going on all over the world... though I did read that there is a movement to get rid of Maxine Waters in the Senate.  I saw these hints to make life a little easier and though you would like them, too.  No thanks  necessary, but comments would be appreciated.












Now back to you daily reads...
 

Thursday, May 17, 2018

Tuesday, May 15, 2018

Inappropriate Humor















I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice.  At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker.  Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt.  Do you think I should change dentists?

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back.  He says what do you expect?  You're in a wheel chair.

The wife has been missing a week now.  Police said to prepare for the worst.  So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.

At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day.  I lost by one point: The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair?  Apparently the correct answer was Africa.

One of the other questions that I missed was to name one thing commonly found in cells. It appears that Mexicans is not the correct answer either.

There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some of the new bomber jackets.

You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles, but at least they do drive slowly past schools.

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."

To which she replied, "No, it's regular people-porn, you sick bastard.”

A buddy of mine just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin.  I said "How can you tell them apart?"  He said, "Her brother's got a mustache."

The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan.  I said we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.



Wednesday, April 25, 2018

Friday, March 16, 2018

Words Gone Kaputt















Do you remember Murgatroyd?

Do you remember that word?  Would you believe the email spell checker did not recognize the word Murgatroyd?

Heavens to Mergatroyd! The epression was popularized by the cartoon charater Snagglepuss – a regular on the Yogi Bear Show in the 1960’s.

Lost Words from our childhood:
Words gone as fast as the buggy whip!  Sad really!

Well, I hope you are Hunky Dory after you read this and chuckle.

About a month ago, someone illuminated some old expressions that I have copied here.   Expressions that have become obsolete because of the inexorable march of technology.  These phrases included:

“Don’t touch that dial,”
“Carbon copy,”
“You sound like a broken record,”
“Hung out to dry.”

Back in the olden days we had a lot of ‘moxie.’
We’d put on our best ‘bib and tucker’ to’ straighten up and fly right’ and Gay mean ‘happy’.

Heavens to Betsy!
Gee Whillikers!
Jumping Jehoshaphat!
Holy Moley!

We were ‘in like Flynt’ and ‘living the life of Riley’', and even a regular guy couldn’t accuse us of being a knucklehead, a nincompoop or a pill.
Not for all the tea in China!

Back in the olden days, life used to be swell, but when’s the last time anything was swell?

Swell has gone the way of beehives, pageboys and the D.A.; of spats, knickers, fedoras, poodle skirts, saddle shoes and pedal pushers...AND DON'T FORGET... Saddle Stitched Pants

Oh, my aching back!  Kilroy was here, but he isn’t anymore.

We wake up from what surely has been just a short nap, and before we can say, “Well, I’ll be a monkey’s uncle!” or, “This is a ‘fine kettle of fish” they are all gone!

We discover that the words we grew up with, the words that seemed omnipresent, as oxygen, have vanished with scarcely a notice from our tongues and our pens and our keyboards.  Poof, go the words of our youth, the words we’ve left behind

We blink, and they’re gone.

Where have all those great phrases gone?

Long gone:
Pshaw,
The milkman did it.
Hey! It’s your nickel.
Don’t forget to pull the chain.
Knee high to a grasshopper.
Well, Fiddlesticks!
Going like sixty.
I’ll see you in the funny papers.
Don’t take any wooden nickels.
Wake up and smell the roses.

It turns out there are more of these lost words and expressions than Carter has liver pills.  ("Carter's Little Liver Pills" are gone too!)

We of a certain age have been blessed to live in changeable times.  For a child each new word is like a shiny toy, a toy that has no age.  We at the other end of the chronological arc have the advantage of remembering there are words that once did not exist and there were words that once strutted their hour upon the earthly stage and now are heard no more, except in our collective memory.

It’s one of the greatest advantages of aging.

Leaves us to wonder where Superman will find a phone booth...
See ya later, alligator, Okidoki, and so many more that have slipped my memory, too.

WE ARE THE CHILDREN OF THE FABULOUS 40/50'S.
NO ONE WILL EVER HAVE THAT OPPORTUNITY AGAIN.
GOD GAVE US ONE OF OUR MOST PRECIOUS GIFTS:
............OUR MEMORIES........
Sadly, though, for some of us, that too is beginning to fade!!!  :-(

Tuesday, March 13, 2018