Saturday, January 25, 2014

I Think...

I think that most of us can relate to these.

I think Betty's is closer to the truth for my age group.

Tuesday, January 14, 2014



1. Your houseplants are alive and you can’t smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song in the elevator
6. You watch the weather channel
7. Your friends marry and divorce, not “hook up” and “break up.”
8. You go from 130 days of vacation to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as “dressed up.”
10. You’re the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won’t turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payment goes up.
14. You feed your dog science diet instead of McDonald’s leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps.
17. Dinner and a movie is he whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 a.m. would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drugstore for ibuprofen and antacid.  Not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer “pretty good shit”
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. “I just can’t drink the way I used to” replaces “I’m never going to drink that much again.”
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25 When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking  “OH SHIT, What the hell happened?”


26. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn’t apply to you and can’t find one to save your sorry old ass.  

Saturday, January 11, 2014

Obama Flowers

(Ring - Ring)

(Receptionist) Hello, Welcome to Obama Flowers, My name is Trina.  How can I help you?

(Customer) Hello, I received an email from Professional Flowers stating that my flower order has been canceled and I should go to your exchange to reorder it.  I tried your website, but it seems like it is not working.  So I am calling the 800 number.

(Receptionist) Yes, I am sorry about the website.  It should be fixed by the end of November.  But I can help you.

(Customer) Thanks, I ordered a "Spring Bouquet" for our anniversary, and wanted it delivered to my wife's work.

(Receptionist Interrupting) Sir, "Spring Bouquets" do not meet our minimum standards, I will be happy to provide you with Red Roses.

(Customer) But I have always ordered "Spring Bouquets".  I have done it for years, my wife likes them.

(Receptionist) Roses are better, sir, I am sure your wife will love them.

(Customer) Well, how much are they?

(Receptionist) It depends sir, do you want our Bronze, Silver, Gold or Platinum package.

(Customer) What's the difference?

(Receptionist) 6, 12, 18 or 24 Red Roses.

(Customer) The Silver package may be okay, how much is it?

(Receptionist) It depends sir, what is your monthly income?

(Customer) What does that have to do with anything?

(Receptionist) I need that to determine your government flower subsidy, then I can determine how much your out of pocket cost will be.  But if your income is below our minimums for a subsidy, then I can refer you to our Flower Aid department.

(Customer) Flower Aid?

(Receptionist) Yes, Flowers are a Right, everyone has a right to flowers.  So, if you can't afford them, then the government will supply them free of charge.

(Customer) Who said they were a Right?

(Receptionist) Congress passed it, the President signed it and the Supreme Court found it Constitutional.

(Customer) Whoa… I don't remember seeing anything in the Constitution regarding Flowers as a Right.

(Receptionist) It is not really a Right in the Constitution, but Obama Flowers is Constitutional because the Supreme Court ruled it a "Tax".  Taxes are Constitutional.  But we feel it is a Right.

(Customer) I don't believe this...

(Receptionist) It's the law of the land sir.  Now, we anticipated most people would go for the Silver Package, so what is your monthly income sir?

(Customer) Forget it!  I think I will forgo the flowers this year.

(Receptionist) In that case sir, I will still need your monthly income.

(Customer) Why?

(Receptionist) To determine what your 'non-participation' cost would be.

(Customer) WHAT????  Your can't charge me for NOT buying flowers!!!

(Receptionist) It's the law of the land, sir, approved by the Supreme Court.  It's $9.50 or 1% of your monthly income...

(Customer)interrupting) This is ridiculous,  I'll pay the $9.50.

(Receptionist) Sir!  It is the $9.50 or 1% of your monthly income, whichever is greater.

(Customer) ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? What a rip-off!!

(Receptionist) Actually sir, it is a good deal.  Next year it will be 2%.

(Customer) Look, I'm going to call my Congress member to find out what's going on here.  This is ridiculous.  I'm not going to pay it.

(Receptionist) Sorry to hear that sir, that's why I had the NSA track this call and obtain the make and model of the cell phone your are using.

(Customer) Why does the NSA need to know what kind of CELL PHONE I AM USING????

(Receptionist) So they get your GPS coordinates, sir.

(Door Bell rings followed immediately by a loud knock on the door)

(Receptionist) That would be the IRS sir.  Thanks for calling Obama Flowers, have a nice day... and God Bless America.

Sunday, January 05, 2014

Doc on Obamacare : Dr Barbara Bellar Sums Up Obamacare In One Sentence.

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(Sorry, Peeps, but Blogger will still not let me post YouTube videos.)

Saturday, January 04, 2014

A Lesson In Sex Education

You Don't Fuck With Chuck Norris!!!