WAYS TO TELL IF YOU’RE GROWN UP
Your houseplants are alive and you can’t smoke any of them.
Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
6:00 a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
You hear your favorite song in the elevator
You watch the weather channel
Your friends marry and divorce, not “hook up” and “break up.”
You go from 130 days of vacation to 14.
Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as “dressed up.”
You’re the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won’t
turn down the stereo.
Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
Your car insurance goes down and your car payment goes up.
You feed your dog science diet instead of McDonald’s leftovers.
Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
You take naps.
Dinner and a movie is he whole date instead of the beginning of one.
Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 a.m. would severely upset, rather than
settle, your stomach.
You go to the drugstore for ibuprofen and antacid. Not condoms and pregnancy tests.
A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer “pretty good shit”
You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
“I just can’t drink the way I used to” replaces “I’m never going to drink that
90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of
asking “OH SHIT, What the hell happened?”
You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn’t apply to
you and can’t find one to save your sorry old ass.