Friday, May 16, 2014

Dana Ain't Fru Fru

I have the sweet old lady friend who cusses like a sailor, carries with conceal permit, from Indiana but lives unhappily in ‘God’s Watiting Room’, FL, and is so talented that I want to hate her… but I can’t.  She laughs at my jokes, and I need to keep people like that around.

Her name is Dana and you can read her dirval… uh, post over at  Go visit and be preared to laugh, cry, ooh and awh you ass off.

Anyways, one of her artistic talents is making personal cards for everybody – mostly women.  And her cards are Fru Fru cards that women like.  So I told her about it.

What does she do, makes me a Non-Fru Fru card and sent it to me.  Why, if we both weren’t so happily married, I’d give her some.

So do yourself a favor and mosy over and read her shit… uh… stuff.  Scroll back a few months and look at some of her charcoal drawings.  She got talent!

Thank you, hot stuff.


Ain't she great!

Wednesday, May 07, 2014

Southern Engineer Exam

I, for one, am sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people are in the South, and I challenge any so-called “smart” Yankee to take this exam:

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.

2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
        (A) '65 Ford Fairlane
        (B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle
        (C) '64 Pontiac GTO

3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?

4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM.  The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre.  The plot is 2.3 acres in size.  The average tree diameter is 14 inches.  How many Budweiser’s will be drunk before the trees are cut down?

5. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pines on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation.  The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet.  The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine.  When the porch collapses, how many dogs will be killed?

6. A man owns a Georgia house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%.  The man has five children.  Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out front?

7. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH.  The brakes fail.  Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?

8. With a gene pool reduction of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?

I betcha thought that this test was gonna be an easy one, didn't ya?  It's okay if y'all didn't do all that well.  Just goes to show ya there's a whole heap of things that big city book-learning don't prepare ya for in this life.

As an added bonus for taking the “RED NECK CHALLENGE” here's some southerly advice that may come in handy down the road a piece...

Next time you are too drunk to drive, walk to the nearest pizza shop and place an order.  When they go to deliver it, catch a ride home with them.

Monday, May 05, 2014

Happy Cinco de Mayo

Today is Cinco De Mayo and many of you will be heading out to some Mexican restraints for some TexMex food and beer.  So to help you in ordering food and understanding what the servers are saying, here is some help… you’re welcome.
The Mexican Dictionary
BODYWASH: I can't go to tha cantina tonite cuz no BODYWASH my kids.

SHOULDER: My tia wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I SHOULDER.

LITTLE CEASERS: My wife cuts the fabric with LITTLE CEASERS.

COCKATOO: My friend was in the bathroom and I told him to hurry because I had to go COCKATOO!

SODAS: My vieja has beeg tatas and SODAS her sister.

JUICY: Hey vato, I will roll the joint, and ju tell me if JUICY the cops!!!

JUAREZ : My viejita slapped me and I said JUAREZ your damn problem!

TISSUE: Hey vato if you don't know how to do it, let me TISSUE how!

HEATER: My lil sister started to choke...Perro my mom told me to
HEATER in the back!

BRIEF: Hey homes, my lady farted in the car and I couldn't BRIEF!

JULY: Ju tol me ju were going to tha store and JULY to me! Julyer!!!

MUSHROOM: When my familia gets in the car......There's not MUSHROOM left!

CHEESE: I went to dis bar and some vato try to hit up on my vieja. I
said ay vato CHEESE with me!!

TEXAS : My pinche friend always TEXAS me with dumb jokes.

WATER: My vieja gets mad and I don't even know WATER problem is!

HERPES: Me & my ruca order some pizza, I got my piece & she got HERPES.

HORCHATA: You can keep talking your crap, HORCHATA hell up!

FRITO: After arguing with the pinche policia he told me I was FRITO

WAFER: I was ready to go but my wife said to WAFER