The wife's back on the warpath
again. Last night she said she wanted to
make a sex movie, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her
part.
My sister-in-law sat on my
glasses and broke them. It was my own
fault. I should have taken them off.
I spent a couple of hours
defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call
it.
After both suffering from
depression for a while, the wife and I were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself,
I started to feel a lot better. So I
thought, screw it, I'll soldier on!
I woke up this morning at 8 and
just felt that something was wrong. I
got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not
breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until
11:30.
The other night, my wife asked
me how many women I'd slept with. I told
her, "Only you. All the others kept
me awake all night!"
My wife packed my bags and said
"GET OUT!!!". As I walked out
the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you
bastard!"
"Oh," I replied,
"so now you want me to stay!"
I've just installed strobe
lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife
look like she's moving during sex.
Wife - "Where the hell have you been? You said you'd be
done with golf by noon!"
Husband - "I'm so sorry, Honey...but you probably don't want to hear the
reason."
Wife - "I want the truth, and I want it
NOW!"
Husband - "Okay, Fine! We finished in less than 4 hours, quick beer
in the Clubhouse; I hopped in the car, and would have been here at 12 on the
button. But on the way home, I spotted a
girl half our age struggling with a flat tire. I changed it in a jiffy, and next she's
offering me money. Of course I refuse it
- then she tells me she was headed to the bar at the Sheraton and begs me to
stop so she can buy me a beer. She's
such a sweetie, I said yes. Before you
know it, one beer turned to three or four, and I guess we were looking pretty
good to each other. Then she tells me
she has a room at the Sheraton less than 50 steps from our table. She suggested we get some privacy while
pulling me by the hand. Now I'm in her
room.... clothes are flying..... the talking stopped.... and we proceeded to
have sex in every way imaginable. It
must have gone on for hours, because before I know it the clock says 5:30. I jumped up, threw my clothes on, ran to the
car, and here I am. There. You wanted the truth.... you got
it."
Wife - "Bullshit! You played 36 holes, didn't you?”
A woman in labor is screaming
profanity at her husband from her hospital bed.
He says, "Hey, don't blame me!
I wanted to stick it up your ass but NOOOO, you said that might hurt!"
I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife. She was
delighted.
I spent another $2,000 on a nose job for her. She was
ecstatic.
I spent $2,000 on liposuction for her and she couldn't thank
me enough!
But I spend 50 bucks on a blowjob for myself and she goes
fucking nuts!!!
Women, I can't figure them out.
A mother in law said to her son's wife when their baby was
born:
"I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything
like my son."
The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said:
"I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a pussy...
not a fucking photo-copier."
A blonde and a brunette are walking downtown when the
brunette sees her boyfriend in a flower shop.
"Just great," the brunette complained to the
blonde, "my boyfriend is in the flower shop buying me some flowers."
The blonde responds, "Why is that a problem?"
The brunette replies, "Because now he'll expect me to
spend all weekend with my legs spread and my feet up in the air."
"Why, hun?" asked the blonde, "Don't you have
a vase?"
"I'm fed up
with the excuses women come up with to avoid having sex, like; "I'm tired,
I'm washing my hair, I've got a headache, I'm your sister..."
I was watching my next door neighbor's wife sunbathing
topless from my bedroom window.
As I was jerking off I turned to notice my wife was just
standing there, arms folded...watching me. I mean, is she a pervert or what?
My girlfriend says that a small penis won't affect our
relationship.
Whether she's right or not, I'd prefer it if she didn't have
one at all!
Okay, Peeps, I hope you found at least one of these funny. I found them all to be fucking hilarious.