Monday, March 30, 2009

Monday Humor, I Think


Ijust ate a bug thhhiiisss big.


I rescued a baby penguin from a defunct zoo, raise it to adulthood and returned it back to the wild. This is a picture sent to me by the rescue group I dealt with. That's Spike on the eight hundredth row, eighty-fourth from the left.


Now that is either the luckiest son-of-a-bitch in the world, or the other fellow needs glasses in the worst way.


Jump??!!?? Did you just say jump?
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Sunday, March 29, 2009

Lipstick In School


According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers ...and then there are educators....
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Friday, March 27, 2009

They Said It, Man


No, the fuzzy faced guy above is not E.Craig pontificating on life.

However, it is time for more quotes from the famous, infamous, and…who???

Cynically speaking, one could say that it is true to life to be cynical about it.
- Paul Tillich

It is not a bad idea to get in the habit of writing down one's thoughts. It saves one having to bother anyone else with them.
- Isabel Colegate

I don't care what is written about me so long as it isn't true.
- Dorothy Parker

Few people can see genius in someone who has offended them.
- Robertson Davies

Making duplicate copies and computer printouts of things no one wanted even one of in the first place is giving America a new sense of purpose.
- Andy Rooney

For a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve the quality of life, please press three.
- Alice Kahn

America had often been discovered before Columbus, but it had always been hushed up.
- Oscar Wilde

My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.
- Rita Rudner

I don't know if God exists, but it would be better for His reputation if He didn't.
- Jules Renard

The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.
- Mark Twain

When dealing with the insane, the best method is to pretend to be sane.
- Hermann Hesse

Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.
- Anthony Burgess

Nothing changes your opinion of a friend so surely as success - yours or his.
- Franklin P. Jones

When I'm working on a problem, I never think about beauty. I think only how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.
- R. Buckminster Fuller

I hate life, I hate death and everything in between just doesn't interest me.
- Chris Rapier
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Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Boys Night Out


A guy goes out drinking with his friends one night. His wife's only comment was a request that he be home by midnight, to which he readily agrees.

At 3 A.M. he gets home. No sooner than he gets in the door, the cuckoo clock delivers its 3 cuckoo's. The guy then does his best to mimic 9 more, then cleans up and goes to bed.

When he got into bed his wife said, "Either I must have dreamt it or we need a new clock. I thought I heard the clock cuckoo 3 times, say 'Shit!', cuckoo 3 more times, belch, cuckoo 3 more times, fart and start laughing, cuckoo 3 more times, then say 'Uh-oh...' and throws up."
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Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Ah The Irish Lassies


Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After awhile, one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, you're from Ireland.'

The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, that I am!'

The first one says, 'So am I! And where from Ireland might you be'?

The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin, I am.'

The first one responds, 'So, am I, and what street did you live on in Dublin?'

The other woman says, 'A lovely little area it was, on McCleary Street in the old part of town.'

The first one says, 'Tis a small world. So did I! And to what school would you have been going?'

The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to St. Mary's, of course.'

The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?'

The other woman answers, 'Well, now, I graduated in 1964.

The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight. Can you believe it, I too graduated from St. Mary's in 1964!!!'

About this time, Vicky, the bartender' s wife, walks in, sits down and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

Vicky asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?'

Brian answers, 'The McLaughlin twins are drunk again.'
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Monday, March 23, 2009

Medical Breakthrough

Thought you should know this, just in case.

American Medical Association researchers have made a remarkable discovery.

It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.

Some of the benefits of using this type transfusion is it tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.

Just thought you'd like to know.

You're welcome!
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Wednesday, March 18, 2009



Quotes From The Famous & Not So Famous

Absolute faith corrupts as absolutely as absolute power.
- Eric Hoffer

How hard it is, sometimes, to trust the evidence of one's senses! How reluctantly the mind consents to reality.
- Norman Douglas

Wagner's music is better than it sounds.
- Edgar Wilson Nye

Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamppost how it feels about dogs.
- Christopher Hampton

Painting: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and exposing them to the critic.
- Ambrose Bierce

Bureaucracy defends the status quo long past the time when the quo has lost its status.
- Laurence J. Peter

Any word you have to hunt for in a thesaurus is the wrong word. There are no exceptions to this rule.
- Stephen King

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds.
- Cindy Gardner

The world is full of people whose notion of a satisfactory future is, in fact, a return to the idealized past.
- Robertson Davies

There is no heresy or no philosophy which is so abhorrent to the church as a human being.
- James Joyce quote

The trouble with weather forecasting is that it's right too often for us to ignore it and wrong too often for us to rely on it.
- Patrick Young

Laughter is the closest distance between two people.
- Victor Borge

Is sloppiness in speech caused by ignorance or apathy? I don't know and I don't care.
- William Safire

The most perfidious way of harming a cause consists of defending it deliberately with faulty arguments.
- Friedrich Nietzsche

Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored.
- George Saunders (From his suicide note)

Learning to dislike children at an early age saves a lot of expense and aggravation later in life.
- Robert Byrne
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Tuesday, March 17, 2009

St. Patrick's Day At The Waffle House

Today is the day of wearing of the GREEN.

This is my Waffle House Leprechaun, Christy.

I also had my 'Kiss Me I'm Irish button on, too. It's never worked, but I never give up hope.

Maybe it should have said, 'Kiss The Irish Monk.'

Anyway, I got three hugs and two kisses on the cheek from the ladies, so that is a good day.
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Happy St. Patricks Day


As some of you know, I am from Irish descent from the Bowman clan on my mother’s side, and the Shell and Coffey clan on my father’s side. Therefore in keeping to my commitment to bringing you the best in education I am submitting this for your enlightenment. It is a little long and I paraphrased it from a local rag called “Tidbits,” but being a good Irish boy I must take the time to pass on a few tidbits about the Irish on this day of days – St. Patrick’s Day.

First of all, St. Patrick wasn’t even Irish. He was born in Scotland and was brought to Ireland as a slave. I won’t go into his whole story because that is what God made Google for.

But the Shamrock? No, the official emblem of Ireland is the harp. The Shamrock only gained fame as a symbol of Ireland after St. Patrick used its three leaves as a visual aid to explain the Holy Trinity (no, not Curly, Larry and Moe.)

It is also true there are no snakes in Ireland. Legend has it that St. Patrick charmed them all into the sea, but the truth is that snakes can’t survive anyplace where the ground is frozen year-round.

Potatoes are not native to Ireland, either. It is believed that it was first harvested in Peru and didn’t make it across the Atlantic until 1589.

Ireland was one of the first European countries to assign last names to families. This practice started around the year 1000, when the countries population increased so quickly that first names alone weren’t sufficient to identify individuals. The prefixes “Mac” and “O” were added to the first name of the father or grandfather to create a surname. So MacDonald means son of Donald, and O’Brien translates to son of Brian.

Be careful when making reference to Irish Whisky (Note the absence of the ‘e’ as compared to American whiskey.) The Irish are proud and protective of their spirit-making heritage, and by law, only whisky made on the Emerald Isle can be labeled Irish. There are several subtle differences between Irish Whisky and Scotch, which is distilled in nearby Scotland. The barley is dried over an open peat fire when making Scotch, giving it the smoky flavor. Irish Whisky makers dry their barley in a kiln and distill the beverage three times, resulting in a cleaner taste.

Modern recipes for Irish stew may call for ingredients like bay leaves and olive oil. But if you want truly authentic Irish stew, the origin was prepared from the least expensive, most readily available ingredients. It would include Lamb or mutton, potatoes, onions and parsley. Some wealthier farmers could add turnips and carrots to the mix. The soup stock was flavored with sheep shanks and neck bones.

Ireland has the world’s highest per-capita number of NATURAL REDHEADS. However, the trait for red hair is a recessive gene. So if a redhead marries someone with dark hair, the couple’s children will most likely have dark hair. Eventually, the number of natural redheads will diminish; not only in Ireland but across the globe. Some geneticists estimate that naturally red hair may become virtually extinct within the next 100 years.

Michael Flatley, the man whose name is synonymous with the Irish Riverdance is really a yank. He was born in Detroit and raised in Chicago.

Bono (Paul Hewson) is Ireland’s most famous rock band, U2, lead singer. He stared using the Bono name after seeing it on a sign in the window of a Dublin hearing aid store. The sign read “Bono Vox,” a corrupted version of a Latin phrase meaning ‘good voice.’

The Irish Rovers’ signature tune, “The Unicorn” always garners heavy radio airplay at this time of year. It was compose by Shel Silverstein, who was amused that people thought it was an Irish song of old. It was, in his words, “…written by a Jewish guy from Chicago.” He also wrote Johnny Cash’s hit “A Boy Named Sue” and Dr. Hook’s “The Cover of The Rolling Stone.”

In the late 1800’s the potato famine led hundreds of thousands of Irish to immigrate to the U.S. But due to overcrowding conditions, jobs were hard to find, so they took tough-to-fill pubic service jobs. This is why Boston and New York have long had a higher percentage of Irish-blooded policemen and firemen.

Corned beef and cabbage may be the traditional St. Patrick’s Day dinner in the U.S. but only the cabbage part is really authentic. In Ireland, the official complement to cabbage is bacon.

Now, go out and drink a pint of green beer for me.

Erin Go Bragh (Ireland for Ever)
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Monday, March 16, 2009

High School MeMe

I saw this at Tookie Tales and though I would do it because I don’t have anything else to post about.

High school wasn’t a favorite time in my life. Now that it has a name, I believe I was blessed with ADHD, but was over and over again that I was just lazy. But I do have a short attention span…that’s why I don’t sky dive. I might forget to pull the ripcord because I would be marveling at the clouds, or the wind…there’s a bird flying by - going straight up.

1. Did you date someone from your school? Some! I lived in the corner of three school districts and the kids in the area went to the three schools, so some of my dates were from there.

2. Did you marry someone from your high school? God, NO!

3. Did you car pool to school? No! I lived 15 miles from my high school and had to take the city bus. The Atlanta City School System did not have school busses.

4. What kind of car did you have? My brother’s ‘55 Chevy.

5. What kind of car do you have now? Ford F150 pickup!

6. Its Friday night...where are you now? Normally getting the grandkids for the weekend, but they didn’t come this weekend so Judy and I went out to eat.

7. It is Friday night...where were you then? Football game.

8. What kind of job did you have in high school? Worked for a month at Dary Queen and at Ponce De Leon Ball Park selling hotdogs and hamburgers at the Atlanta Cracker ballgames.

9. What kind of job do you do now? Retired, but do animal transports for Dr. Amber.

10. Were you a party animal? Not Really!

11. Were you considered a flirt? No! I was considered a Dork.

12. Were you in band, orchestra, or choir? Choir (All State Chorus.)

13. Were you a nerd? No! I told you, I was a Dork!

14. Did you get suspended from school? Yes! I hit my seventh grade teacher for pulling my hair.

15. Can you sing the fight song? Oh, yeah!

16. Who was/were your favorite teacher? The ones I didn’t have!

17. Where did you sit during lunch? At the table in the lunch room (or I would sneak off campus to eat at the grill across the street.)

18. What was your school's full name? West Fulton High!

19. Where did you party the most? At church.

20. What was your school mascot? Owls

21. Would you do it again? I would have to because it is the law.

22. Did you have fun at Prom? Not really. I had a better time than she did because I couldn’t/wouldn’t dance.

23. Do you still talk to the person you went to Prom with? I don’t remember her name.

24. Are you planning on going to your next reunion? I have never been to any of our reunions. I don’t care to see any of them again.

25. Do you still talk to people from school? No! One I use to date before I married Judy, but she is married now and we don’t live close enough to bump into each other.

26. What are/were your school's colors? Blue and White!

Sunday, March 15, 2009

All About Parenting


There are a few things about being a parent that are just simple fact. Below are a few of these facts:

* If it was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called LABOR.

* Shouting to make your children obey is like using the horn to steer your car, and you get about the same results.

* To be in your children’s memories tomorrow, you have to be in their lives today.

* The right temperature in a home is maintained by warm hearts, not by hot heads. (Something I wish I had learned many years ago.)

* Parents: People who bare infants, bore teenagers and board newlyweds.

* The joy of motherhood: What a woman experiences when all the children are finally in bed.

* Life’s golden age is when the kids are too old to need baby-sitters and too young to borrow the car.

* Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.

* Grandparents are similar to a piece of string – handy to have around and easily wrapped around the fingers of grandchildren.

* A child outgrows your lap, but never outgrows your heart.

* Adolescence is the age when children try to bring up their parents.

* Cleaning your house while your kids are at home is like trying to shovel the driveway during a snowstorm.

* There are only two things a child will share willingly: communicable diseases and his mother’s age.

* An alarm clock is a device for awakening people who don’t have small children.

* Why is it that you children can’t read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

* We say, “Children should be seen and not heard.” So when do we communicate with them?

* No wonder kids are confused today. Half the adults tell them to find themselves; the other half tells them to get lost.

* The people hardest to convince that it’s time for retirement are the children at bedtime.

* Kids really brighten a household; they never turn off any lights.

Now! Do you have any facts to add to this? Let me read them.
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Friday, March 13, 2009

Yahoo For Victoria


Victoria, Texas (pop. 55,000) is a town about 80 miles west of Houston.

Local Hispanic leaders there, in opposition to pending Immigration Legislation, boycotted all Caucasian owned businesses in the Victoria area this past weekend as a demonstration of their economic impact on the community. The boycott was declared a success by the Hispanic community, noting that revenue in Caucasian owned businesses was down by 19%.

Business owners declared the boycott a success as well, pointing out that shoplifting was reduced by 77%, money orders sent out of the country were down by 97%, and the cost of daily clean-up and trash collection was down by 84%. Shoppers reported that they could actually hear English being spoken throughout the community for the first time in recent memory, and customers actually paid for purchases with real money, not government debit cards.
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Thursday, March 12, 2009

Two Humorous Items

Okay, then…how ‘bout a couple of funnies I received from my Australian friend:

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died. I'm married to his fucking widow."


A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help
me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get

Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?'

The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.'

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.'

He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ...' he said with a deep sigh,
'Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.'
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Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Give Them A Try

I don’t usually do this because I think most of you have plenty of reading to do from hour own blog list, but sometimes there is something very funny on someone else’s blog or something worth mentioning. My friend and fellow blogger, Jim Latchford, has a blog that is very well written and very informative, though at time a little long.

Today I read his post and I think it is work asking you to drop by and read. We are of like mind when it comes to the state of the union, and he as written a very good piece in expressing his concern for our economy.

Another post is Mr. Guinness. He too post some well written pieces and is a fine Irishman from the Boston area living in the panhandle of Florida. He post mostly about the red-tape of trying to live his life and run his new business.

Neither are paying me (but they can if they want too.) I just think they should be read and commented on. That is, if you are concerned about America and things that are going on.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009


This is my new medication, but I can't remember what it is for. Do any of you have any idea about...Um...What?
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Monday, March 09, 2009

Two For The Price of One

The Chinese Recall their XSI Implants.

From My new Girl Friend, Sister Myotis

Sunday, March 08, 2009

You Ain't Him


So I said to him, "Barak, I know Abe Lincoln, and you ain't him."
From my pal, Tom. Thanks, Tom.
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Thursday, March 05, 2009

On The Road Again, dada, dada...


On The Road Again, I just can't wait to get on the road again.
The trip to take somedogs to my friends at Mohawk Shelter in Menands, NY, will begin.
dada, dada, do, do, dada, dada, dada.

See y’all Sunday!
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Ronald Where Are Ye


Really have to love this guy and we sure could use him now. God rest his soul.

"Here's my strategy on the Cold War: We win, they lose." - Ronald Reagan

"The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help." - Ronald Reagan

"The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they're ignorant: It's just that they know so much that isn't so." - Ronald Reagan

"Of the four wars in my lifetime none came about because the U.S. was too strong." - Ronald Reagan

"I have wondered at times about what the Ten Commandment's would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress." - Ronald Reagan

"The taxpayer: That's someone who works for the federal government but doesn't have to take the civil service examination." - Ronald Reagan

"Government is like a baby: An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other." - Ronald Reagan
"If we ever forget that we're one nation under God then we will be a nation gone under." - Ronald Reagan

"The nearest thing to eternal life we will ever see on this earth is a government program." - Ronald Reagan

"I've laid down the law, though, to everyone from now on about anything that happens: no matter what time it is, wake me, even if it's in the middle of a Cabinet meeting." - Ronald Reagan

"It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first." - Ronald Reagan

"Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it." - Ronald Reagan

"Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book." - Ronald Reagan

"No arsenal, or no weapon in the arsenals of the world, is so formidable as the will and moral courage of free men and women.” - Ronald Reagan
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Wednesday, March 04, 2009

Government Bailout Out Special

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Good Riddance


And I will be glad when the SOB sales and moves on, too.
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Tuesday, March 03, 2009

Firearms Refresher Course


'Those who hammer their guns into plows will plow for those who do not.' ~ Thomas Jefferson
God Bless The Second Amendment and the NRA


1. An armed man is a citizen. An unarmed man is a subject.

2. A gun in the hand is better than a cop on the phone.

3. Colt: The original point and click interface.

4. Gun control is not about guns; it's about control.

5. If guns are outlawed, can we use swords?

6. If guns cause crime, then pencils cause misspelled words.

7. Free men do not ask permission to bear arms.

8. If you don't know your rights, you don't have any.

9. Those that trade liberty for security have neither.

10. The United States Constitution (c) 1791. All Rights Reserved.

11. What part of 'shall not be infringed' do you not understand?

12. The Second Amendment is in place in case the politicians ignore the others.

13. 64,999,987 firearms owners killed no one yesterday.

14. Guns only have two enemies; rust and politicians.

15. Know guns, know peace, know safety. No guns, no peace, no safety.

16. You don't shoot to kill; you shoot to stay alive.

17. 911: Government sponsored Dial-a-Prayer.

18. Assault is a behavior, not a device.

19. Criminals love gun control; it makes their jobs safer.

20. If guns cause crime, then matches cause arson.

21. Only a government that is afraid of its citizens tries to control them.

22. You have only the rights you are willing to fight for.

23. Enforce the gun control laws we ALREADY have; don't make more.

24. When you remove the people's right to bear arms, you create slaves.

25. The American Revolution would never have happened with gun control.

Wait! Let me get down off my soapbox...ahhhhh, uuuhhhh, whew, there...
Carry On Now
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Tusday Funnies


Did you ever notice how they have commercials on TV with detergents that get out the blood stains? IF you have blood all over your shirt, I don’t think laundry is your biggest problem. – Jerry Seinfeld

The prime purpose of eloquence is to keep other people from talking. – Louis Vermeil

Why are there luggage stores in airports? Who forgets their suitcase and have you ever seen a guy with an armload of shirts going, ‘Hooray! A suitcase.’ – Jay Mohr

Most single men sort their laundry into two piles:
“Filthy” and “Filthy but Wearable.”

More and more doctors are running their practices lie an assembly line. One fella walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had.

He said, “Shingles!”

So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minuets later a nurse’s aide came out and asked him what he had.

He said, “Shingles!”

So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room. A half-hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had.

He said, “Shingles!”

So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had.

He said, “Shingles!”

The doctor looked him over and asked, “Where do you have shingles?”

He said, “Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?”


I have CDO. It’s like OCD but with the letters in alphabetical order, like they’re supposed to be.

There are three kinds of people in the world – those who are good at math and those who aren’t.


“What’s the quickest way from here to Philadelphia?”

“Are you walking or driving?”

“I’m driving.”

“Yep! That’s definitely the quickest way.”

This Isn't My Best Work - But I Had To Try
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