Sunday, July 29, 2007
Humans Are Not So Tough
I don’t usually think about this stuff, but today I was coming back from the store and a black wasp landed on my windshield. No problem! He will blow off and go on his wasp-doing way when I drive off. NOT!
The wind coming over the windshield didn’t seem to bother him/her/it at all. As I picked up speed it just lay down on its side and let its wings flutter in the breeze. I got up to 60 mph and it just laid there. The only thing holding it to the windshield was his little bitty feet. Can you imagine the suction or the toe hold it had to have to accomplish that? When I came to a traffic light or stop sign, it would stand up, rub his back legs, and walk around the windshield until I started moving again. Then it would just lay on its side again. It stayed there until I stopped at a traffic light in front of a Burger King. I guess it had had enough fun for the day and was hungry because it just flew away.
A human couldn’t do that even though a human weighs a gazillion more pounds than that little black wasp. We would have to have a hand or foot hold, or both, to stay on the windshield at 60 mph. The wasp just stuck his foot on the glass and was happy. I thought I heard a tiny “weeeeee” as I was going down the road. Maybe not! But it made me feel that we humans are just not so tough.
Thursday, July 26, 2007
I liked it.
I don’t feel that I was left hanging.
I miss Dobby the most.
I hope J.K. starts a new series of some sort soon. Maybe a heart tugging story centered on topless mud wrestlers from Bulgaria.
Friday, July 20, 2007
Brutally Honest Personality Test
Your Score: Commander - ESTP
60% Extraversion, 26% Intuition, 53% Thinking, 26% Judging
It's all about action with you, isn't it? You're outgoing and right to the point. Fast moving, fast talking and often fast spending. Your motto is "Just DO it."
Wow. You move faster than the Flash on a treadmill. (Yes. I could have thought up something cleverer than that. But honestly, you're just not worth my time.)
To carry on the superhero theme, you're comparable to the Hulk. Except you're uglier. And you're slightly more intimidating. People flinch when you're around for fear you might exert your dominance and order them to do 50 press-ups.
Perhaps if you calmed down a little, people wouldn't be so scared of you. Of course, something would have to be done about your face. Is plastic surgery an option?
This insatiable appetite for action means that you're not exactly into long term commitments. You get bored incredibly quickly and tend to jump in and out of relationships like the Energiser Bunny.
Eventually you're going to run out of people to bounce to, and you will end up a very lonely and hated individual.
If you want to learn more about your personality type in a slightly less negative way, check out this.
The other personality types are as follows...
Loner - Introverted Sensing Feeling Perceiving
Pushover - Introverted Sensing Feeling Judging
Criminal - Introverted Sensing Thinking Perceiving
Borefest - Introverted Sensing Thinking Judging
Almost Perfect - Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Perceiving
Freak - Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Judging
Loser - Introverted iNtuitive Thinking Perceiving
Crackpot - Introverted iNtuitive Thinking Judging
Clown - Extraverted Sensing Feeling Perceiving
Sap - Extraverted Sensing Feeling Judging
Do Gooder - Extraverted Sensing Thinking Judging
Scumbag - Extraverted iNtuitive Feeling Perceiving
Busybody - Extraverted iNtuitive Feeling Judging
Prick - Extraverted iNtuitive Thinking Perceiving
Dictator - Extraverted iNtuitive Thinking Judging
|Link: The Brutally Honest Personality Test written by UltimateMaster on OkCupid, home of the The Dating Persona Test|
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Do You Know Your State's Motto
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat
Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes ... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Are Real Good
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunken Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Prostitutes and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want A ##$%## Motto? I Got Yer ##$%## Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent; You Have The Right To an Attorney
North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner...
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English)
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slack-Jaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! Nerds And Slackers Overrun Us!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family... Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese
Wyoming: Where Men Are Men and The Sheep Are Scared
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
More Words of Wisdom
1. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
2. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
3. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
4. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
5. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the hips change places.
6. You should not confuse your career with your life.
7. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
8. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she is pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
9. There is always one more imbecile that you counted on.
10. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark and a team of educated, trained professionals built the Titanic.
11. It is easier to get forgiveness than to ask for permission.
12. Don’t worry what people think, they don’t do it very often.
13. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
14. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
15. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy fridge.
16. A person who is nice to you but is rude to the waitress is not a nice person.
17. Its not the jeans that make your ass look fat…it’s the fat.
18. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
19. No one cares if you can’t dance. Just get up and do it.
20. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
21. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background is that we are above average drivers
Sunday, July 15, 2007
New To The Sea
A couple of years ago Marni, with hers and me with mine, went on a cruse to Nova Scotia. On the return trip we had a pod of whales follow us for about half an hour. It was neat to see them blowing and diving. But I didn’t get seasick. I did, however, get seasick the fist time I went to sea.
I had just reported aboard my ship (USS Frank E. Evans DD754) and the next week we went to sea. When I first went aboard I was in the deck force (painting and chipping, swabbing and sweeping.) When we pulled out it was windy and stormy and the ship was really rocking and rolling. I was stuck inside and couldn’t get any fresh air, orient myself to the horizon or any other trick to staying nourishly sound. So, I got sick. The problem was that the “barf bucket” was under the coffee urn. So, when you upchucked and came up for a breath you would get a whiff of the hot coffee aroma (as strong smelling and with the consistity (sp) of burnt motor oil.) So you upchuck again and again until you get the dry heaves. I had to stick my finger up my ass and crook it to keep from throwing it up, too. But the next day I was able to go out on the deck and reorient myself and I was okay after that. I survived but I did have sore ribs for a day or so. And I had to live through the ribbing from all the “old salts” for quiet a few weeks. Those “old salts” were only eighteen to twenty years old, but they had been to sea before.
A few days later I had to stand the mid-watch (midnight to four in the morning) as lookout on the top of the bridge. The next morning they call me up to the bridge and showed me the mess someone made throwing up over the side of the ship. Because I had been sick the first day out, they assumed it was me. I tried to tell them I didn’t do it, but they made me scrub down the bulkhead (wall) anyway. I believe it was a petty office that was coming of a drunk (sometimes the hard drinkers would sneak a bottle aboard and have a nip or two or twenty) and got sick, but I couldn’t say that. And they didn’t want to hear it anyway. I was the newest crew member (boot) and I had to pay my dues. So I scrubbed puke. It’s wasn’t too bad. It was dry and flakey so I came off real easy.
We were out for three weeks that time and ran through two more storms, but I didn’t get sick again. I became an ole salt. So salty that if I need salt on my food, all I had to do was rub my finger over the food and the salt would drop off. It wasn’t long after that I discovered alcohol and whore houses. Ah, the Navy experiences. Interesting way to grow up, don’t ya think?
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
You Know You Are Old When
But with age comes skills. It's call "multi tasking." I can laugh, cough, sneeze, fart and pee at the same time.
And I have my hand in a cast. I banged it up the other night on the night stand when I woke up with an erection and my hand was asleep. I was trying to wake it up. You see, Sweet Tea is in New Jersey and has been for over two weeks, so I can't afford to loose any opportunities.
Monday, July 09, 2007
Sunday, July 08, 2007
More Rules For Understanding Men
Finally, the guys' side of the story.
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.
1) Men are NOT mind readers.
2) Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
3) Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
4) Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
5) Crying is blackmail.
6) Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one! Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
7) Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
8) Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
9) A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
10) Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
11) If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
12) If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
13) You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
14) Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
15) Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
16) ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
17) If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
18) If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
19) If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
20) When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.......Really.
21) Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
22) You have enough clothes.
23) You have too many shoes.
24) I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Wednesday, July 04, 2007
What The Answer Means
DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry.
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble.
7. Sure, go ahead = You had better not.
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later.
9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
DICTIONARY FOR DECODING MEN'S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry!
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy!
3. I am tired = I am tired!
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now.
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit. = I'm gay!!!
Monday, July 02, 2007
How can you not love a dog?