So! The year 2010 is coming to an end. Everyone will be celebrating tonight and welcoming in the new year. Some of you have even posted a retrospective of this past year. Not to be out done, I am presenting mine, too.
I did a lot of stuff this year. Much of it was fun and some of it sucked. I’ll do gooder next year, yo!
That about sums it up for 2010.
However, today is special to me for other reasons.
Today is my 17 wedding anniversary to my best’est buddy ever.
We have been together for over 22 years and she still works very hard to keep me sane and in control. She is a Sainte! Well…pretty good anyway.
We met in college (late bloomers in the educational world - or before I started taking the stuff serious) and hung around together in a clique for about a year. Then we started dating and were exclusive for almost 5 years before I ask her, in the Electrolux store while waiting on a package of vacuum bags, if she and her two kids would be my year-end tax deductions (we were in the business school, you see.) And to my greedy ears she said yes. Ca-Ching! Ripped Uncle Sam a new one that year.
So we will be going out to dinner tonight with her mom (Granny Dot) and the grandkids. Early! Then we will come home and watch a movie until its time to watch the Big Apple/GA Peach drop, bringing in the new year while making a toast with white grape juice (kids, ya know.) After all that excitement, we will go to bed. We are such hot swingers these days. I know you are jealous and all, but get over it. Make your own happy new years and stop envying us.
But I do wish all of you peeps the Safest, Most Prosperous and Happiest of New Years.
I decided to do this because I know it aggravates the shit out of most of you. I got it from a good lady who is a great writer, Stacey over at A Life Well Lived…In Pursuit Of Abundance. Enjoy her and enjoy this, too...or I will do another one.
1. What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before? ~ Snorkeled in the open ocean.
2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? ~ I do not make resolutions. I live life as it comes and with what is. If I want to change something during the year, I will.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? ~ Define close. The lady 5 houses down had a baby.
4. Did anyone close to you die? ~ My sweet sister, but she wasn‘t that close. She lived about 35 miles from me.
5. What countries did you visit? ~ Mexico, Honorius and North Cuba (Miami).
6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010? ~ MONEY!!! Scrooge McDuck diving off the boat into his money MONEY.
7. What dates from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? ~ I’m married…I didn’t have any dates last year - or in the past 18 years.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? ~ Not having a date.
10. What was the best thing you bought? ~ A new GPS and a Black Berry Torch for Judy.
11. Whose behavior merited celebration? ~ My milsupport Marine's in 'The Rock Pile.'
12. Whose behavior made you appalled and disgusted? ~ Mine.
13. What song will always remind you of 2010? ~ Billy Curringtons, ‘God Is Great; Beer Is Good’
14. What do you wish you’d done more of? ~ Exercising - mostly walking.
15. What do you wish you’d done less of? ~ Arguing with Judy. She has a hard time coming to the belief that I am always right.
16. Did you fall in love in 2010? ~ Every time I looked in the mirror.
17. Who did you miss? ~ No body. Everyone I checked on is accounted for.
18. Who was the best new person you met? ~ Several of my blogging peeps face to face.
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep in late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you have to do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, no mash to mix, wood to split, or fire to lay. Practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not too bad, there’s warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk much.
We go on ’rout marches,’ which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it’s not my place to tell him different. A ’rout march’ is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don’t bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don’t know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don’t move, and it ain’t shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don’t even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though. They break real easy. It ain’t like fighting with that ole bull at home. I’m about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I’m only 5’6” and 130 pounds and he is 6’8” and near 300 pounds.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before the other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day he came to, looked around, saw his wife and motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he took her hand and whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what Martha?'
'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
Starting today and going through the weekend we will all be eating as if it was our last meal on earth. Because of that, some of us…you…will be worried about the calories that may slide down the gullet.
Fear not, frequent dieter. In my ever vigilant quest for information that will make your life easier and more enriched, I have come across these rules of dieting.
Read on and eat hardy without guilt.
Oh! And have a Merry Christmas because you will now be healthier after the weekend of gluttony.
Top Ten Rules of Dieting
1. If you drink a diet drink with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet drink.
2. When you eat with someone else, calories don’t count if they eat more than you do.
3. Calories in food used for medical purposes NEVER count. Examples: Hot Chocolate, Sare Lee Cheesecake.
4. If you fatten everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
5. Movie related foods (Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because everyone know that movies aren’t real.
6. When preparing food, things licked off spoons and knives have no calories. Examples: Peanut Butter on a knife when making a sandwich, ice cream on a spoon when making a Sunday, cake frosting.
7. Broken cookie pieces contain no fat. It leaks out.
8. Food that are the same color have the same number of calories. Examples: Spinach and pistachio ice cream, mushrooms and white chocolate. (Note: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other color.)
9. Calories are a unit of heat. Therefore, frozen foods have no calories. Examples: Ice Cream, frozen pies, and Popsicles.
10. Wild Card. Each dieter may add one rule that pertains to their particular, unique situation. Examples: Pork Bar-B-Q has no fat or calories on all legal holidays in Alabama and Georgia.
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.
I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2011 but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great.
Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere. Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.
To My Republican Friends:
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
To My Jewish Friends:
I hope you had a great Hanukkah and the lighting of the candles.
On one of my post Barb commented on my winter poem, “LOL. Exactly what I expected from you.”
Peeps, I have a God given talent in reaching even higher levels of Low Expectations. Like Peyton Manning or Tom Brady…LeBron James or Kobe Bryant…Albert Pujols or Ryan Howard…I have the talent to be the best in cheesy, cheeky, slimy post, and it all comes naturally. No extra effort or practicing on my part. It is just there.
A point in fact:
At my Senior Citizens Center they had a quiz the other day. I lost by one point.
The question was where do women mostly have curly hair?
Apparently, the correct answer was Africa.
One of the other questions was to name two things commonly found in cells.
It appears that Negroes and Mexicans is not the correct answer either.
I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children's iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.
My wife told me I was no longer romantic, so I booked a table for the two of us on Valentine's Night. Problem was she sucks at snooker & eight-ball.
There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets.
You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.
A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems.
"Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor.
"Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny broad with big blue hair."
A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin.
I asked, "How can you tell them apart?"
He said, "Her brother's got a moustache."
Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche & mentioned it on Facebook.
I said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!"
Next thing I know 4000 fucking Muslims have added me as a friend.
Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard.”
The FBI have discovered how to weave Muslim prayer mats out of plastic explosives ....... Apparently prophets are going through the roof !!
Didn’t think so!
Peeps! You know I am always looking out for ya, don’t’cha? Well with the holidays coming up, along with all the parties and dinners and family gatherings that marks this seasons, you will be eating a bunch of good stuff. But you have to be careful and selective. So here are some guidelines to hopefully help you get through the munch and crunch at the table.
1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Holiday spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately and go next door where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can, and quickly - it's rare. You cannot find it at any other time of year. So drink up! Who cares that it has 1000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat - enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think - it's almost Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Holiday party is to eat other people's food free. Lots of it.
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before they become the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes, if you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies - apple, pumpkin, mincemeat (well, maybe not mincemeat.) Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel full when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.
And for those of you who were worried, you can now relax and stop pacing and bighting your fingernails, I am home and out of the snow. I got up at four a.m. this morning and was on the road by five. Still plenty of snow and ice in VA. I was in snow till I reached NC. Several time my rear-end was swinging like a pole dancer with jock itch. But mostly the roads were clear. It was just getting to the interstate that was slippery.
Tired, but happy...no, wait.
Judy just got home from the airport with her mom, Granny Dot, who will be here for three weeks. wipee!
Now in some cultures the elderly are revered. Not in this household (I get no respect), but some places. I like the Eskimo culture where they slide the elderly out on the ice.
The weather outside is frightful, but my room is so delightful.
And since I've no place to go, lets get naked and let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.
When I left Woodstock to go load up the dogs in Washington, GA, the weather was cold, but no wind. About 5:00 p.m. I left for my transport in clear weather. But Judy called and said it was starting to sleet and freeze…just 50 miles West of me - as the crow flies. It took her three hours to make the normal 45 minute drive home.
I had clear skies and no traffic all the way up, and didn’t run into any snow until I was about 100 miles South of Albany, NY. On the way back I was in snow from NJ to VA. Lovely! PA was really messy. Here in VA my van’s rear-end was moving back and forth like Tyra Banks on the Runway. Kinda fun, but a little stressful at the same time.
But my room is warm, the shower was hot, and the bed feels great. Not gonna last long. Over 30 hours straight with only one 20 minute nap makes for a tired old man, too.
Ya know, I learn something new just about everyday when reading all your blogs. Today I was reading Dana‘s stuff at Life Is Good and found out this little known fact about Christmas.
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then, when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
It is that time of year again. Not just the Christmas season, but the Secret Santa Soiree (SSS) gift swapping time of the year.
My blogging buddy, Alan, over at Yogi’s Den drew my name this year. His selection’s are perfect for me.
I got this cool t-shirt that is not only XL but it is LONG, too. I hate having to keep repacking my shirt tails back in my pants (when I do pack them). So this one will work great for this t-shirt lover.
He also sent this camo cap from Bass Pro Shops. I also love my caps. My hair is thinning on the top and around the crown and that acts as a solar panel on a sex machine. So the cap helps keep the desire down and under control.
And I got a bag of Fartless Popping Corn with a bottle of Ass Kickin’ Popcorn Seasoning. Judy is happy with this as I can peal paint sometimes eating a bowl of pop corn.
He had my number this year.
So that leaves me with sending off my SSS’s present. I can’t say who he/she/it is until they say it’s okay. All I can say is he/she/it is a Liberal. But that is okay with me. I admire someone who has the strength and courage to stand for their beliefs - no matter how wrong they are.
In the information packet about the likes and sizes and stuff, liking Stephen King and Santa’s was mentioned. Another of my favorite authors, Jim Butcher, was mentioned, but his new book won’t be out till next year. So I took a chance that the new SK book was unread and picked that up.
I just hope ‘they’ enjoy the book and the Santa. I also tried to find a Sarah Palin T-Shirt to send, but, alas, all us Conservatives have them all bought up.
And I hope all of the SSS peeps have a wonderful Christmas…and remember it is also the celebration of the birth of Christ.
I've seen this before, but it is a great reminder of how we are free because of some awesome young men and women who have given up thier chance to be with family and friends so we can feel safe being with ours.
Find a way to make them feel loved and thought of. Contact your local VFW or American Legion. Look into military support groups that can be found by Googling. Ask them for a name and address of someone you can send a card or letter. It's colder than a mother-in-laws heart 'over there' so think about sending them socks, hand warmers, beef jerky...stuff from home that they never see.
(The original Star-Spangled Banner, the flag that inspired Francis Scott Key
to write the song that would become our national anthem, is among the most
treasured artifacts in the collections of the Smithsonian’s National Museum
of American History in Washington, D.C.)
From the December 2010 edition of THE LOG (The Texas Tin Can Sailors of North Texas Association’s News Letter), Mike Hagin, the association’s president, posted this entry:
On Monday night football December 6, 2010, sadly, the Eli Young band of country singers forgot the lyrics to the national anthem. Perhaps we need to teach our children to memorize the history of our nation.
For those who would like to have a copy of the lyrics for their children and grand children, here they are:
Oh, say can you see by the dawn's early light What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming? Whose broad stripes and bright stars thru the perilous fight, O'er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming? And the rocket's red glare, the bombs bursting in air, Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there. Oh, say does that star-spangled banner yet wave O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?
On the shore, dimly seen through the mists of the deep, Where the foe's haughty host in dread silence reposes, What is that which the breeze, o'er the towering steep, As it fitfully blows, half conceals, half discloses? Now it catches the gleam of the morning's first beam, In full glory reflected now shines in the stream: 'Tis the star-spangled banner! Oh long may it wave O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave!
And where is that band who so vauntingly swore That the havoc of war and the battle's confusion, A home and a country should leave us no more! Their blood has washed out their foul footsteps' pollution. No refuge could save the hireling and slave From the terror of flight, or the gloom of the grave: And the star-spangled banner in triumph doth wave O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave!
Oh! thus be it ever, when freemen shall stand Between their loved home and the war's desolation! Blest with victory and peace, may the heav'n rescued land Praise the Power that hath made and preserved us a nation. Then conquer we must, when our cause it is just, And this be our motto: "In God is our trust." And the star-spangled banner in triumph shall wave O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave!
Finally, there’s some honesty in big buck hunting stories...
Here's a picture of the new world record whitetail. It was taken by the cousin of a co-worker's sister's, uncle's, best friend's, son-in-law's, niece's hairdresser's, neighbor's ex-boyfriend's oldest nephew.
Reportedly it will score 2603-1/8 by B&C standard and was shot in West Texas on a really windy day, 85 degrees downhill, around a curve at 900 yards with a 22 mag.
Supposedly, this deer had killed a Brahma bull, two Land Rovers and six Jehovah's Witnesses in the last two weeks alone.
They said it was winning a fight with Bigfoot when it was shot. It had also been confirmed that the buck had been seen drinking discharge water from a nuclear power plant.
This has been checked on Snopes. Honest!!! You don’t think I would send this if I didn’t think it was true do you?
I’ve told y’all afore, that religion is an important part of redneck life. We believe in God and will whoop your ass if’en you bad mouth the church, the preacher or his family. And it is a real competition every Sunday amongst the womens as who will get the preacher to come to their house for Sunday dinner. It is an honor to win and she gets bragging rights for the whole week.
But for you unfortunate ones who are not rednecks, what if you are travling in the South and you need to go to a church one Sunday? How do you know if’en your in a good old-fashion redneck church? Let me give ya some poiners:
1. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if - The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.
2. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if - People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.
3. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if - When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering" and five guys and two women stand up.
4. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if - Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
5. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if - A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of"
6. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if - The choir is known as the "OK Chorale".
7. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if - In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.
8. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if - People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.
9. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if - The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized " Wheeling " washtub.
10. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if - The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.
11. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if - The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.
12. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if - Instead of a bell you are called to service by a duck call.
13. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if - The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.
14. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if - The communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".
15. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if - "Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin' dogs, too.
16. You know You're in a Redneck Church if - The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, Ya hear.
God Bless and don't fergit ta say yer prayers. And bless your heart, you take care of your momma, too. She’s tha sweetest thang and makes the best cornbread in five counties.
(After my last post, you might find this a little better on the eyes)
A little bit of this weekend for your viewing pleasure - from the smallest to the largest and one strange one.
This is Peaches!
She looks big because of the camera.
You can see by my hand that she is small enough to fit in it.
Peaches was dropped of at the store after finding out how much her shots would cost and because the owner said she could afford her.
It seems her dad had given her two of the miniature Dotson’s for her birthday and she couldn’t afford both of them.
Folks…Peaches weighed 1 pound. She is just a few weeks old. If you fed her a colonel of corn she would have been bloated.
Notice her coloring is so light for a Dotson, and she loved to cuddle as you can see by my grandson, Mater.
This is Diesel, a 175 lb Great Dane.
I have had pictures made with him from the time he was adopted as a puppy to last year as a year old, about 140 lbs, and with his front paws on my lap.
Now he is too large to climb up, and this year he was a little shy. But he's still my buddy.
The fish and reptile manager of this Pet Smart came over with this Chinese Water Dragon (no it’s not GEICO Gecko) and wanted a picture of him with Santa.
I don’t know why, but then I don’t care as long as he pays like everyone else. (I don’t get paid for doing the Santa thing, FYI. All the proceeds go to Dr. Amber’s animal rescue group.) I had taken my glove off so I could feel him better and not squeeze him too hard. So he put it claw, paw, hand..what ever a lizard has, on my thumb for support. He is a camera whore, too.
This is the best job. There are some amazing animals coming across my lap. I had five dogs, two little ones in my lap and three medium size ones on the floor, dogs with people in the picture, and little kids coming up and hugging me and telling me what they want for Christmas.
I wish I could post pictures of all of them, but that would get boring real fast. Like right about now. So I’ll see ya later.