Monday, August 31, 2009

In Case Y'All Wanted To Know...

Rodney has some purty good reasons, too!
He crackes me up (and not in that way either.)

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Dumb Blond


A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, “Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately.”

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.

"Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip.

"And by the way, "the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
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Saturday, August 29, 2009

A Soldier

I got this from my friend, Ariman Mom.

A Soldier

There is discipline in A Soldier,
you can see it when he walk.

There is honor in A Soldier,
you hear it when he talks.

There is courage in A Soldier,
you can see it in his eyes.

There is loyalty in A Soldier
that he will not compromise.

There is something in A Soldier
that makes him stand apart,

There is strength in A Soldier
that beats from his heart.

A Soldier isn't a title any man
can be hired to do,

A Soldier is the soul of that man
buried deep inside of you.

A Soldier's job isn't finished
after an 8 hour day or a 40 hour week,

A Soldier is always A Soldier
even while he sleeps.

A Soldier serves his country first
and his life is left behind,

A Soldier has to sacrifice what
comes first in a civilian's mind.

If you are civilian -

I am saying this to you.....
next time you see A Soldier
remember what they do.

A Soldier is the reason our land
is 'Home of the free',

A Soldier is the one that is brave
protecting you and me.

If you are A Soldier -
I am saying this to you.....

Thank God for what YOU do!

~Angela Goodwin

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Friday, August 28, 2009

Worth A Boner

I was coming home from NY today. It was raining pretty hard and the traffic was heavy. But down around PA exit 52 on I-81 they are doing road work (what part of rain didn’t the understand) and people had to be rerouted. I was at mile marker 74 when the traffic stopped. Just North of where another interstate mergers into I-81.

Mind you, this was at 5 P.M. on Friday and I had been up since 9 A.M. Thursday morning. I was ill tempered, tired and hungry. So after an hour I was able to move over to the right lane, then jump on the emergency lane and get off at the next exit ramp.

I drove around and though I had a chance to get back on, but you couldn’t see I-81 due to the trees. I was further South, but still not far enough and everyone was still not moving. So I make a u-turn and went back up the ramp and rode around till I found (with the help of Agnes, my GPS mochene) another feeder to the I-81. This time I was sitting still in the far left lane and NO BODY was moving.

I kept looking at the median (it was over twice as wide as the picture above.) It is one of those grassy ‘V’ shaped medians and I could see about a mile down the road. There was a place that wasn’t as steep as where I was setting, but, as I said, it was raining dogs and cats. But I know speed DOES pay sometimes and not having any scents helps, too, so I pull onto the median and took off. I got up to sixty miles per hour, eased down the median and let the left wheels roll into and up the other side and then my right wheels down, over and up. I kept up my speed as I climbed out of the middle and made a u-turn on the North bound lane and took off.

I had to keep the speed up because it was wet and slick and I didn’t want to get stuck and have the Pennsylvania Highway Patrol come over and give me a ‘wood shampoo’ for being so stupid (I prefer daring and innovative.) And when I finally made the turnaround, people in the South bound lane were blowing their horns and waving. I don’t know it they were applauding me or cussing me, but I was moving and they weren’t.

I got off I-81 a little North, drove up and down several little two lane roads (looking at Agnes and the layout of the roads) and ending up going though Mechanicsburg, PA. I turned onto W. Main and dropped back 200 years. That little town is beautiful with all the old homes and, further out, all the old farms and barns. It was well worth the detour. And I came out at mile marker 47, well below the other shit an I was running 75 and 80 mph until I finally got so tired I had to stop.

I haven’t done anything that daring and stupid since…oh…um…last week. Actually, it has been around 30 years since I quit doing stuff like that. But it was a hoot to know I still have it. That is definitely boner stuff.

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Thursday, August 27, 2009

Let's Go To NY, y'all

Well it's that time of month again. I know that elicits sympathy from those of you who are of the feminine persuasion, but for me it means I’m on my way to New York with another load of dogs.

I’ll be checking in, if I can stay awake, tomorrow night, so in the meantime I am leaving you with a little ditty that makes me wonder about you Texas boys…

Rodney is my know what I mean...right...yea, sure you do.

The Economy Is So Bad That...


CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Jewish women are marrying for love.

Even people who had nothing to do with the Obama administration aren't paying their taxes.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

Obama met with small businesses to discuss the Stimulus Package: GE, Pfizer, and Citigroup.

McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

A truck of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

The most highly paid job now is jury duty.

Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

People in Africa are donating money to Americans.

Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, "Finish your plate, do you know how many kids are starving in the US ?"

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

And finally...
...Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Hey, neat! The guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $750 billion disappear.
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Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Monday, August 24, 2009


Many of you who have heard the term ‘TWITTER’, but you do not know where the word comes from. Thanks to my buddy, Scotty, over at Trukindog (see my blog roll,) I can now give you how it was derived.


You are welcome!
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Because I'm A Man...

As a part of my offering continuing education I now present you with a tidbit of things women need to understand about men.

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA is not an option. I will win.

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, 'I used to be able to fix these things, but now
with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start.' We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of holy communion.

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like beer, milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like 'thyme' or 'tofu.' For all I know, these are the same thing.

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it.....though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator..... ( applies to engineers mainly ).

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.

Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it.
And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you cried at the end of it, I didn't; and if you are feeling amorous afterwards....then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2009, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest...... Like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.

This has been a public service message for women to better understand men.

You’re welcome!
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Sunday, August 23, 2009


Being in what some people call the Autumn of ones life (I think it is more like deep December, really) I have been wonder about things that happened in my life. One of the things that has me stumped is ‘When…’

When did I stop playing on the front porch and start playing in the backyard? Was it a specific day; gradually, one step in and out or just walked out and played? My next-door neighbor had chickens in the back yard. Was that what pulled me off the porch?

When did I stop running and started to walk? I use to walk out the door (no running it the house) and within three steps would be running full speed down the road. When did I stop? Was it a gradual thing or did it happen overnight. When I turned 13 and was too cool to run? I don’t know.

When did I stop riding my bicycle? My most favorite Charismas present of all time was my bicycle. I was eight years old and the bike was a 26 inch monster that, when I stopped and had to put my foot on the ground, my right knee was up next to my ear. Did I just lay it down one day and not pick it up again? Why?

When did it become too dangerous to ride my bike in the road? I was raised on Bolton Road in NW Atlanta - before I-75, I-20, I-285 and any road with more than two lanes. Bolton road was a major artery to I-41 (now just a highway with malls and Wal-Mart’s and Home Depot’s lining the road. But back then Bolton Road was a very busy truck route and I walked and ran up and down the road, rode my bike in and out of the traffic daily - and get this, without a helmet. Cars would pass us at 35 mph and be within three feet of us. No one ever got hit by a car. Now kids aren’t allowed out of the cul-de-sac. When did it change? I never knew anyone who had head injuries from falling off a bike. We knew how to step off the bike if it went down. I did hear of broken arms and legs from falling off bikes, running into trees, bushes or street signs, but no head injures. But I also heard of broken arms and stuff from falling out of trees and playing sports and stuff, too. I liked my bike riding era better than today’s riders.

When did I first notice girls were different and not a play buddy? I remember playing Roy Rogers and Dale Evans (I was Roy, by the way) with my neighbor three houses up, Susie Cowart. I remember having these strange feels and wanted to see her naked. So under the house we went and examined each others parts. Didn’t know exactly what to do, but I knew I liked it. She was 5 and I was 6. We tried this several time…till we got caught. We didn’t get to play much after that. But that was just her. I didn’t wonder about other girls till much later. But did I wake up one Tuesday morning and think, damn girls are nice? Wonder what’s up that dress? And why am I hard in the mornings when I wake up…and sticky? What was that dream about???

When did it not be accepted and cool to take a girl on a date riding the streetcar (that was before we had busses)? You had to have a car. I remember taking the bus to the Rec Center in Grove Park (about 10 miles away) but not be able to really get serious with a girl because I didn’t have a car to take her to outside? Before, because of WWII and then Korea, teens dated by using the streetcar, trolley and busses, (depending on what part of town you lived.) But one day it wasn’t cool to ask someone out and meet her at the bus stop anymore. Was it a Friday, or a September… When?

When did I realize I wasn’t afraid of girls? Like many boys before me, when I was at the movies and I had a date or just met some friends at the Saturday matinee, I would pretend to stretch and let my arm come down around her shoulder? The look on their faces let you know you were a dork. So then I just did it. When did I get so brave….11:00 on a Saturday morning? And when did I learn that, with your arm around their shoulder you hand was in the perfect position to feel her boob? Soar ribs from the elbow, but, damn they felt good.

That was just the beginnings of life. There are plenty of ‘When’s' in my adult life, too, such as when did it not become important for me to be in front of every fucker on the road - had to pass everyone. When did it become less important that I always had to be right (or that I am still right, just not worth arguing about it?) When did it happen that no one listens to me or care what I have to say? And more recently, when did I realize that I am old and useless and lonely and stuff?

You ever wonder ‘When’? No! Okay, I guess I am still a dork.

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Friday, August 21, 2009

It's All About Ass

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Baggage Handling Complaint

I have seen this before - think I even e-maild it out at one point, but it is still funny and close to true.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009


***Another one just came in:
Hi Coffepot
If you could re-do one thing in you life over what would it be and why? - Lindi
Today, right now, it would have to be marring the second time. Just not happy right now.

***One more question from RWA

Southern (in)Sanity said...
If you could eat at the Waffle House three meals a day for an entire week, would you order the same "breakfast" each day? If so, what would it be?
I only got there once, sometimes twice a day. But if you are talking just breakfast:

Fiesta Omelet with sliced tomatoes instead of grits or hash browns.

Cheese and eggs with country ham and cheese grits.

Biscuit and gravy with bacon.

A bowl of cheese grits with bacon.

Occasionally steak and eggs with tomatoes.

Grill cheese with lettuce and tomatoes like a sandwich.

All starting with a cup of black coffee and a diet coke with the meal.

I don’t eat the something every time. I vary it.

Okay, so there wasn’t a big rush to the question trough, but for those of you who did, her are the awnsers - for good or bad.

Special K said...
Alright Coffey, are you caffeinated or decaffeinated? HA OK real question. Boxers or briefs! BWA HA HA OK I can't think of a real question but feel free to answer the above.
I am definitely CAFFEINATED - I can keep you awake all night - talking my ass off.
Sometimes briefs but mostly Boxer-Briefs - the best of both worlds. Unless I’m running around Commando, which is often in the summer.

Eddierude said...
Where is your empirical evidence that Bush was a successful business man?I went over to your blog and see that you are just a Bush Basher and nothing I can say will help your pitiful attitude. First of all, Bush isn’t around anymore. He’s out of the limelight, so let it go. It’s old and boring. Secondly, I don’t care if he was a successful business man, he WAS a great President. He did not succumb to political pressure and bogus surveys like the Clintons did, and he stayed the course in keeping America safe. During most of his term the economy was great, unemployment was the lowest in over 50 years and it wasn’t until the Dems took over and the Liberal media stoked up its negative press that he was beat down emotionally. Obama is dangerous for this country and will have us bankrupt before his term is over if the American people don’t come together and defeat is ass. Finally, everyone is entitled to an opinion and yours will be allowed here anytime as long as you are civil. But you are from Canada and therefore have no say into what MY President does. I never comment on the bullshit that goes on in Canada because, mainly I’m not that versed in Canadian politics, and I feel that is your issues. So no, I cannot give you empirical evidence becaue it simply does not matter and is not important in anything. But at least he did have a job, unlike Obama. Obama lama is where his at because he rode a wave of ‘look how cool we are for voting for a black man.’ He has sounded himself with convicted criminals, tax evaders and radical scum from the Chicago political system, one of the most vile and corrupt in the country. He is a joke and a conman and an embarrassment to Real American.

dana said...
Does your wife know you have access to the computer?
I can’t walk and chew chewing gum at the same time, so she used that as birth-control. Give me a stick of gum as we were going to bed and it was over for the night. She slept well and I had jaw cramps. But I got wise and quit chewing gum. So she bought me a laptop and a lap desk. Now I spend all night blogging, Face Booking and Tweeting. It works out great because SHE is getting to old for nightly romps.

Anonymous said...
Did you inhale?

Anon T, so deeply my toes emitted smoke. Back in the day when booze and weed were a big part of my life, I also raced on a couple of the area bullrings. The nights were spent either working on the car, and drinking afterwards or at one of the guys homes drinking and munching out and inhaling. It is a very dangerous combination because you can choke easily on snacks and laughing your ass off at the same time. One night we were really blitz and Chris was sitting right next to the television screen staring at it. This was back in the day before cable and the stations actually went off the air at midnight and the screen was white with little black dots and a hissing sound. Remember? Anyway Chris was sitting there staring at the screen and he turned to me and said, "Johnny (back in the day I was called Johnny becasue no one had yet to realize the brilliance and the depth that only a John could handle,) look at this shit." I set down next to him and was wondering what was going to happen when Ron looked over our shoulders and ask what was going on. Chris said, "This is so cool, man. Johnny and I are watching the ant races. I pulling for this one right here (pointing at a dot)." I almost choked on my beer laughing at that dumb-ass. So yeah, I inhaled.

Hope said...
If u had to loose one of your five senses which one and why?
Smell! Everthing else is so cool and beautiful to see, feel, hear and taste (though this is tied into smell). But I would give up smelling a rose or a fart or a nasty cooter to enjoy everything else.

What place would you like to vacation that you haven't been.
Australia/New Zeeland, I have friends there that could put on a great vacation; Alaska for the beauty and savagery of the wilderness, Austria and Ireland for the castles, and I wish I was rich enough to own a motor home and travel all over the great USofA on the back-roads.

Okay? Did that do the trick for ya?


I have spent the last two days reading some of your older blogs and following links to some of your peeps blogs, too. Not all of you, but some of you. I didn’t comment on the stuff I read because they are a year or two old. I was just reading for pleasure. I am fortunate to have some pretty damn good writers in my blogging community and it has been fun reading our stuff.

But on one of the sites I ran across this idea that seems kind of dangerous but fun. So I though I would try it.

I know you guys stay awake at night wonder about who I am, where I come from, how did I get to be so wonderful and shit like that.

So here is your challenge - or is a challenge for me - ask me ANYTHING you want to know. Every question will be answered. Now let’s face it, I can’t give you the answer to the meaning of life or what the winning lottery numbers are, but if you want to know anything about me or my life, ask away in the comments section. The time frame? I’ll come back with answers on Thursday. If there are no takers and there are no questions, then I’ll post a joke or two.

Right now I will leave you to ponder your questions with these little tidbit from Andy Roonery:


Impotence: Is nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings…”

There are three stages in a man's life:
Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.

Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?
Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.

Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact with women?
Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.
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Monday, August 17, 2009

It's A Coming...

From my friend Robyn, a true Soutehrn Bell:

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the passenger lounge in Bozeman, Montana , while waiting for their respective flights.

One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer, another is a Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show, and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana State University from Iran.

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull. The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table, tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face, and lights a cigarette. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes.

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks: 'At one time here my people were many... but sadly, now we are few.'

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, 'Once my people were few,' he sneers, 'and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?'

The cowboy removes his cigarette from his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a smooth drawl…


'I reckon that's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do's a-comin.'
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Sunday, August 16, 2009

Special Notice From The Pentagon


The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the "United States Redneck Special Forces".

These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma, Tennessee and Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music, or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

We expect the problem in Iraq to be over by next Friday.
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More Definitions


Here are some more medical definitions from the Red Neck Dictionary to aid you in conversations with those of us blessed to be from the South. You know the saying, “American By Birth - Southern By The Grace Of GOD”

A pubic hair is a type of wild rabbit.
Asphalt describes rectal problems.
A condom is a large apartment.
Douche is the French word for "twelve.
Genitals are people of non-Jewish descent.
A Diaphragm is a drawing in Geometry.
Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke.
An Erection is when Japanese people vote.
A Dildo is a variety of the sweet pickle.
An Umbilical Chord is part of a parachute.
Spread Eagle is an extinct bird.
A Menstrual Cycle has three wheels.
The Clitoris is a type of flower.
Testacles are found on an octopus.
Kotex is a radio station in Cincinatti.
Masturbate is used to catch large fish.

You're welcome!
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Saturday, August 15, 2009

I'm a Libra - But I Was Raised Baptist

I got this from Mikey over at Rambling Stuff
fun quiz for myspace profile and blog

Give it a try and post it on your site. No??!!?? Chicken!

Thursday, August 13, 2009

New York or Bust

**EDIT** I left the house yesterday at 2:00 p.m. and I haven't had any sleep since. Well, I kinda did. I think I slept from just outside Harrisburg, PA, through Maryland and West Virginia and woke up as I was coming into Winchester, VA. I'm talented like that. Kinda like one of those "Watch This Shit..." things us Southern boys are use too. So I am in a motel and will try to get some shut eye - if I can get off this damn computer. But I have a few favs I have to check out first. TaTa!

It's that time of month, again. I am off to New York for another transport of man's best friend. I have another one scheduled on the 27th, too. The Vietnamese and Chinese restaurants must be running specials this month.

Anyways, some of you people of the Northern persuasion often have a difficult time understand God’s chosen language, English, spoken the way it should be spoken. So to help you understand the King’s English a little better, here is a translation chart for ya. I will start with Medical Terminology.

Arteery............The study of fine paintings.
Barium.............What you do if CPR fails.
Benign.............After you be eight.
Cesarean Section...A district in Rome.
Colic..............A sheep dog.
Coma...............A punctuation mark.
Dilate.............To live longer.
G.I. Series........Baseball for soldiers.
Grippe.............A small suitcase.
Hangnail...........A coat-hook.
Medical Staff......A doctor’s cane.
Minor Operation....Coal digging.
Morbid.............A higher offer.
Nitrate............Lower than day rate.
Node...............Was aware of.
Organic............A church musician.
Outpatient.........A patient who has fainted.
Post-Operative.....A letter carrier.
Protein............In favor of young people.
Secretion..........Hiding something.
Serology...........Study of English Knighthood.
Tablet.............A small table.
Tumor..............An extra pair.
Urine..............Opposite of you’re out.
Varicose veins.....Veins that are close together.

Now, don’t ya feel smarter?

You’re welcome!
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Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Contort This

Two women were talking about their lives since they had become nursing home residents.

They both agreed that life was good but one woman, Ethel, said she was rather upset because her sex life had really died since she and her husband had come to the nursing home.

The other woman said that her sex life was great. “The secret t great sex is this,” the woman told her, “when my husband is getting ready for bed, I get undressed, lay on the bed and put both legs behind my head. When he comes out and sees me like that he gets so excited, we have wild sex the rest of the night.”

Ethel says, “I’m going to try that tonight.”

When Ethel’s husband is getting ready in the bathroom that night, she takes off all her clothes and sits on the side of the bed. Although it was a struggle, she gets one leg up and behind her head. Pretty soon, she got the other leg behind her had as well. After accomplishing this great feat, Ethel falls backward and can’t move.

Not long afterward her husband comes out of the bathroom. With a shocked look on his face, he yells, “For God’s sake, Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in, you look like an asshole.”

The divorce proceedings start on Monday.
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My friend sent this to me and I strongly advise all of you to read this. I cannot understand why anyone, any American, would consider something like this. The main thing is does is give POWER to the government. POWER over every part of your life and POWER over you finances, decision making and if you should live or die because of your age.

Read the link, too. Yes, this is time consuming and it takes an effort for you to read it. Much like why ObamaLama wants so he can rush it through. Don't let the fucker do it to us.

I QUESTION this administration because I don’t think what our president is pushing (with great urgency, as if trying to hide things - whatever happened to this transparent administration we were promised?) is in the best interest for our country and its citizens, and anyone who tells me I don’t have the right to express my concerns for the United States we're leaving our children can cordially kiss my ass. Everything we allow the government control over is one less liberty we have. There are answers and solutions that wouldn’t and SHOULDN'T involve government control.

Just a few reasons I'm against Obama's health care plan. Please feel free to cross reference.

Page 22 of the HC Bill: Mandates that the Govt. will audit books of all employers that self insure. Excuse me?

Page 30 Sec 123 of HC bill - THERE WILL BE A GOVT COMMITTEE that decides what treatments/benefits you get.

Page 29 lines 4-16 in the HC bill: YOUR HEALTH CARE IS RATIONED

Page 42 of HC Bill: The Health Choices Commissioner will choose your HC Benefits for you. You have no choice!

Page 50 Section 152 in HC bill: HC will be provided to ALL non US citizens, illegal or otherwise. Who's paying for that? Exactly.

Page 58 HC Bill: Govt. will have real-time access to individuals finances & a National ID Health card will be issued

Page 59 HC Bill lines 21-24: Govt. will have direct access to your banks accounts for elective funds transfer..

Page 65 Sec 164: is a payoff subsidized plan for retirees and their families in Unions & community organizations: (ACORN).

Page 84 Sec 203 HC bill: Govt. mandates ALL benefit packages for private HC plans in the Exchange.

Page 85 Line 7 HC Bill: Specifications for of Benefit Levels for Plans - The Govt. will ration your Healthcare.

Page 91 Lines 4-7 HC Bill: Govt. mandates linguistic appropriate services. Example - illegal aliens.

Page 95 HC Bill Lines 8-18: The Govt. will use groups i.e., ACORN & Americorps to sign up individuals for Govt. HC plan.

Page 85 Line 7 HC Bill: Specifications of Benefit Levels for Plans. AARP members, your Health care WILL be rationed.

Page 102 Lines 12-18 HC Bill: Medicaid Eligible Individuals will be automatically enrolled in Medicaid. No choice. So much for choosing your plan.

Page 124 lines 24-25 HC: No company can sue GOVT on price fixing. No "judicial review" against Govt. Monopoly.

Page 127 Lines 1-16 HC Bill: Doctors/ American Medical Association - The Govt. will tell DOCTORS what they can make! (salary)

Page 145 Line 15-17: An Employer MUST auto enroll employees into public option plan. NO CHOICE!

Page 126 Lines 22-25: Employers MUST pay for HC for part time employees AND their families.

Page 149 Lines 16-24: ANY Employer with payroll 401k & above who does not provide public option pays 8% tax on all payroll.

Page 150 Lines 9-13: Business's with payroll btw 251k & 401k who doesn't provide public option pays 2-6% tax on all payroll.

Page 167 Lines 18-23: ANY individual who doesn't have acceptable HC according to Govt. will be taxed 2.5% of income. WHAT?

Page 170 Lines 1-3 HC Bill: Any NONRESIDENT Alien is exempt from individual taxes. (Americans will pay)

Page 195 HC Bill: Officers & employees of HC Admin (GOVT) will have access to ALL Americans finances /personal records.

Page 203 Line 14-15 HC: "The tax imposed under this section shall not be treated as tax" Yes, it says that!

Page 239 Line 14-24 HC Bill: Govt. will reduce physician services for Medicaid Seniors, low income and poor are affected.

Page 241 Line 6-8 HC Bill: Doctors, doesn't matter what specialty you have, you'll all be paid the same! So where's the incentive to offer the best care?

Page 253 Line 10-18: Govt. sets value of Doctor's time, profession, judgment etc. Literally the value of humans.

Page 265 Sec 1131: Govt. mandates & controls productivity for private HC industries.

Page 268 Sec 1141: Federal Govt. regulates rental & purchase of power-driven wheelchairs.

Page 272 SEC. 1145: TREATMENT OF CERTAIN CANCER HOSPITALS. Cancer patients - welcome to rationing!

Page 280 Sec 1151: The Govt. will penalize hospitals for whatever Govt. deems preventable re-admissions.

Page 298 Lines 9-11: Doctors, treat a patient during initial admission that results in a re-admission -and the Govt. will penalize you.

Page 317 L 13-20: PROHIBITION on ownership/investment. Govt. tells Doctors what/how much they can own!?!?!

Page 317-318 lines 21-25, 1-3: PROHIBITION on expansion- Govt. is mandating hospitals cannot expand.

Page 335 L 16-25 Pg 336-339: Govt. mandates establishment of outcome based measures. HC the way they want. Rationing.

Page 341 Lines 3-9: Govt. has authority to disqualify Medicare Advance Plans, HMOs, etc. Forcing people into Govt. plan. How convenient for them.

Page 354 Sec 1177: Govt. will RESTRICT enrollment of Special needs people! Unbelievable!

Page 379 Sec 1191: Govt. creates more bureaucracy - Tele-health Advisory Committee. HC by phone?

Page 425 Lines 4-12: Govt. mandates Advance Care Planning Consult. Think of Senior Citizens as end of life patients. Best to get them on their way ASAP. See below.

Page 425 Lines 22-25, 426 Lines 1-3: Govt. provides approved list of end of life resources, guiding you in death. (assisted suicide)

Page 427 Lines 15-24: Govt. mandates program for orders for end of life. The Govt. has a say in how your life ends.

Page 429 Lines 1-9: An "advanced care planning consultant" will be used more frequently as patients health deteriorates.

Page 429 Lines 10-12: "advanced care consultation" may include an ORDER for end of life plans. AN ORDER from GOVT TO END YOUR LIFE! THE LIFE OF YOUR PARENT! THE LIFE OF YOUR CHILD!

Page 429 Lines 13-25: The govt. will specify which Doctors can write an end of life order.

Page 430 Lines 11-15: The Govt. will decide what level of treatment you will have at end of life! You better not get a serious illness.

Page 469: Community Based Home Medical Services Non profit organizations. That's a great idea - no incentive always works.

Page 472 Lines 14-17: PAYMENT TO COMMUNITY-BASED ORIGINATION. 1 monthly payment to a community-based organization. Like ACORN?

Page 489 Sec 1308: The Govt. will cover Marriage & Family therapy. Which means they will insert Govt into your marriage.

Page 494-498: Govt. will cover Mental Health Services including defining, creating, rationing those services.

I have to stop before I pop a blood vessel. Yes, the Health Care does need some work, but this is totally ridiculous.
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Monday, August 10, 2009

Phone Thought For To Day


Women are like phones:

They like to be held, talked to, and touched often.

But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected
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Are We Born This Way

Are Men Born This Way?

Are Women Born This Way?

Sunday, August 09, 2009

Ukraine's Got Talent

I received this from my buddy, Tom. It is incredibly awesome and beautiful how she tells her story using only her hands and sand.

She ain't bad looking, either...

Saturday, August 08, 2009

Lesson From The Ark

The Woodpecker might have to go!

Everything I need to know about life, I learned from Noah's Ark.

One: Don't miss the boat.
Two: Remember that we are all in the same boat.
Three: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.
Four: Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.
Five: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
Six: Build your future on high ground.
Seven: For safety sake, travel in pairs.
Eight: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
Nine: When you're stressed, float a while.
Ten: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.
Eleven: No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a rainbow waiting.
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Friday, August 07, 2009

The Confessional

One Sunday I go into a confessional box and say to the priest, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.”

The Priest says, “Is that you, John?”

“Yes, Father, it’s me.”

“Who was the woman you were with, my son?”

“I cannot tell you, Father, because I don’t want to ruin her reputation.”

The Priest says, “Umm, was it Brenda O’Malley?”

“No, Father.”

“Was it Fiona MacDonald?”


“Was it Ann Brown?”


“Was it Mary Elizabeth O’Shea?”

“No, Father, it wasn’t.”

“Was it Cathy Morgan?”

NO, Father! I cannot tell you.”

The Priest finally says, “Well, Johnny me boy, I admire your perseverance, but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be four Our Fathers and five Hail Mary’s. Now go back to your seat.”

When I got back to my pew my buddy, Chuck, slides over and whispers, “What happened?”

“Well, I got four Our Fathers and five Hail Mary’s and six good leads.”

High Five Slaps!!
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The Irishman

An Irishman’s been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up some.

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrives at the door he stands up and, again, falls falt. So he crawls through the door and into his bedroom. When he reaches the bed he tries one more time to stand up.

This time he manages to pull himself upright but quickly falls right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him. She shouts, “So, you’ve been out drinking again!!”

“What makes you say that?” He asks as he puts on an innocent look.

“The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again.”
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Thursday, August 06, 2009

No Teeth Down There

A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is waiting outside the ladies dressing room for his mom to come out. While waiting, the little boy gets bored and, spying a mannequin, wonders over to it. The mom comes out just in time to see him sliding his hand up the mannequin’s skirt.

“Get your hand out of there!” she shouts. “Don’t you know that woman have teeth down there?”

The little boy quickly snatches (bad choice of words?) his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn’t get bitten. For the next 10 years this little boy grew up believing all women had teeth between their legs.

When he was 16 he gets a girlfriend. One night, while her parents were out of town, she invites him over for a little action. After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says, “You know you could go a little further if you want, too.”


“Well…why don’t you put your hand down there?” she says, pointing to her crotch.

“Hell, no!” he cries. “You’ve got teeth down there!”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” she responds, “there’s no teeth down there.”

“Yes there are,” he says, “my momma told me so.”

“No, silly, there aren’t any teeth down there,” she insists. “Here, look for yourself.” With that she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek.

“No, I’m sorry.” he says. “My momma already told me that ALL women have teeth down there.”

“Oh for Christ’s sake!” she cries. She whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head and says, “LOOK, I DON’T have any teeth down there.”

The boy takes a good long look and replies, “Well, with the condition of those gums I’m not surprised!”

She took someone else to the prom.
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Wednesday, August 05, 2009

Definitions By Gender


THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a helmet.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Men: Scrtching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.

BUTT (but) n.
Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
Male: What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal and good for mooning.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's wife or girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT: (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking.

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing by-product fo digestion.
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king-luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht-kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every three minuets.

I'm sure you know others...let's have'em!
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Tuesday, August 04, 2009

Old Ones on a Tuesday


Old ones:

A young man goes up to the bar and orders six Jagermeister’s. The gulps each one down, one after the other without pausing. The bartender ask if he has a problem or is he celebrating something. The young man shrugs and says, “I don’t know which one to say. Celebrating I guess over my first blowjob.”

“Well , in that case let me give you a seventh shot on the house.”

“No offence, sir. But if six shots won’t get rid of the taste, another one won’t make a difference.”

This couple goes to bed and the husband starts rubbing his wife’s arm. The wife turns over and says, “I’m sorry honey, I’ve got a gynecologist appointment in the morning and I want to stay fresh.” He starts to turn over then turns back and ask, “ Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow, too?”

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he come home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his dick into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he’d be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day, a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was wrong.

“What’s wrong, hon?” she asked.

“Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my dick into the pickle slicer?”

“Oh, Bill, you didn’t.”

“Yes, I did.”

“My God, Bill, what happened?”

“I got fired.”

“No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer and are you alright?”

“Oh…I’m fine but she got fired, too.”

A man was making his daily visit to the hospital where she has been in a com for years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor, who says this is a good sign and suggest he should try rubbing the right breast to see if there is any other reactions. So he goes back in and rubs her right brest and she lets out a moan. From this the doctor suggest he go back in and have oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act. About 5 minutes later and white as a sheet, the man comes out and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened to which the man says, “She choked.”

Have a fun Tuesday, Peeps!
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Sunday, August 02, 2009

Sales Pitch

Whether you own a dog or not, you must appreciate the efforts of this owner to sell her dog.

Read the sales pitch!


Dog For Sale
Free to good home. Excellent guard dog.

Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore, as there are no more drug pushers, thieves, murderers, or molesters left in the neighborhood for him to eat. Most of them knew Jethro only by his street name,'Holy Shit.'
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