Thursday, September 30, 2010

Carmel NY Here I Come and Some I.T. Toons

Again, it’s road time. New York is calling me. I can hear her. There are some families in and around Carmel, NY, and maybe Connecticut that are in dire need for a new dog-person to add some love to the family. Or a Vietnamese or Chinese restaurant is running low on meat. Either way, I am off to fill those needs.

That means there will be some nude blogging on Friday night, if I’m not too worn out. Seems there will be plenty of rain to make the trip more interesting and stressful. We’ll see how I feel.

In the mean time, here are a few IT type toons for your Thursday tickle bone. Enjoy!

Maxine Is Always P.C.

Maxine says,

"Recently I received a warning about the use of this politically incorrect term, so please note: We all need to be more sensitive in our choice of words. I have been informed that the Islamic terrorists, who hate our guts and want to kill us, do no like to be called “Towel Heads” since the item they wear on their heads is not actually a towel, but in fact, a small folded sheet.

Therefore, from this point forward, please refer to them as “Little Sheet Heads.”

Thnak you fo ryour support and compliance on this delicate matter.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

F-35 Lightning II's Loopy Takeoff

This is how a supremely well-trained US Navy pilot, ice running in his veins instead of blood, fully regains control of his $70 million F-35 Lightning II fighter jet, after a problem-filled vertical take-off attempt.

Watch as the rear vertical thruster fires to save the pilot & aircraft.

The real 'Ice Man' from Top Gun. I would have been screeming like a toked up teenage girl in a Halloween Haunted House.

An Elderly Man Gets Screwed For His Birthday

Your lesson for today…

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a Medicine Man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for. The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is a powerful medicine, and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "But what was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls and peeps, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Condom History

Interesting piece of history:

In 1872 the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.

In 1873 the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.


Monday, September 27, 2010

Redneck Monday - The Last Of The Sayings - Maybe

I think this will end the sayings for awhile. There are other redneck stuff to talk about next week. So untill then, learn and enjoy:

Built like a brick shit house.

Howzyurmamaenthem? (How is your mama and them? - ‘Them’ being the rest of the family, relatives and anyone else closely associated with you.)

God made that there person as uuuugly as He could 'n then kick 'em in the face!

I gotta piss like a Russian race horse at the Kentucky Derby with a glue truck behind him.

The fish stinks from the head down.

You look like ten pounds of smashed assholes packed into a 5 pound bag.

That’s bout as dumb as lighting a match in a sealed room with ol grandma fartbags.

He couldn't hit the broad side of a barn while standing inside with the windows shut.

A couple of bubbles off 'plumb'.

Dumb as a cabbage.

Dumb as a fencepost.

Dumber than a barrel of spit and half as useful.

It was a long time ago, way back when I was knee-high to nothin'.

Just because your cat had her kittens in the oven doesn't make them muffins.

He's the meanest old bastard who ever shit behind shoe leather.

The last time I saw a mouth that big it had a hook in it.

He was banging her like a screen door in a hurricane.

I'll be back in a few, I have to drop the browns off at the super bowl.

He's slower than a two legged coon dog on a Monday morning.

Don't hate me 'cause I’m beautiful, hate me 'cause yer boyfriend thinks so!!

That boy's as country as a baked bean sandwich!

Always remember, you will go to Hell for lying just as well stealing.

She is pruder than a new sheep on the farm.

It's colder than a polar bears toe nails.

Cooler than a cat covered in puke.

He's almost as smart as people say he thinks he is.

Boy, when you got nuthin' to say, you say it.

It's cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.

It's cold enough to freeze the brass off a bald monkey.

I locked that thing up tighter than Casey's nuts.

About as sharp as a rat turd on both ends.

Wishing and hoping don't get you any toys on Christmas.

That made me happpy'er than a tornado in a trailer park.

She was so ugly, she could have trick or treated over the telephone.

That boy's momma shoulda hit him in the head and sold the milk!

I'd eat the corn out of her shit.

I'd drink her bath water.

It ain't nothing but a piss ant in the big ant hill of life.

Every day is just a role of the dice, and snake eyes is just a way of life.

Scared money don't win, boys.

Till next week then...

Sunday, September 26, 2010

The Ocean View Resturant

A group of 15-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Dairy Queen next to the Ocean View Restaurant because they had only $6.00 among them and Jimmy Johnson, the cute boy in Social Studies, lived on that street.

10 years later, the group of 25-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the beer was cheap, the restaurant offered free snacks, the band was good, there was no cover and there were lots of cute guys.

10 years later, the group of 35-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the cosmos were good, it was right near the gym and, if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.

10 years later, the group of 45-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the martinis were big and the waiters had tight pants and nice buns.

10 years later, the group of 55-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the prices were reasonable, the wine list was good, the restaurant had windows that opened (in case of hot flashes,) and fish is good for cholesterol.

10 years later, the group of 65-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the lighting was good and the restaurant had an early bird special.

10 years later, the group of 75-years-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the food was not too spicy and the restaurant was handicapped-accessible.

10 years later, the group of 85-years-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because they had never been there before.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Leave It To A Salior

A beautiful young woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," he pleaded.

"Look, I'm a sailor, and we're off to Europe tomorrow, and I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe, the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.

Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings food and I get a free trip to Europe."

"I see," the captain says.

"Plus," she adds, "He's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry.”

Friday, September 24, 2010

Nude Blogging and Your Fly Is Open

Okay, here I am in the usual Winchester, VA, motel nude blogging again. I didn’t have the time to tell you peeps that I was going on another dog run. I’ve only been home one full day and that was filled with greeting my mother-in-law and sister and brother-in-law. Judy’s sister. They will be here a week.

So this is the first time I’ve had to let you know (and I just know you have been walking up and down the floor, wringing your hands and being all antsy and worried and stuff) why I haven’t been around much the last few days.

So, to easy your feelings somewhat, I’ll give you 20 different ways to tell someone their fly is open.

I know! I’ve wondered about this, too. Daily! You just never know when it will happen and you never know just what to say. So these suggestions will help you out. They did me.

(And ladies, just standing there licking your lips and flexing your hands is not the apporpriate way to do it. Just saying…)

Your Fly Is Open!

20. The cucumber has left the salad.

19. I can see the gun of Navarone.

18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.

17. You've got Windows in your laptop.

16. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.

15. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.

14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell.

13. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...

12. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.

10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!

9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.

8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!

7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

6. Dr. Kimble has escaped!

5. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."

4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...

3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

2. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?


1. I thought you were crazy; now I see your nuts

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Think I'll Ever Learn?

Our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run (is that redundant?). So Judy kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first; the shed, the boat, drinking beer… always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home from working on the boat and drinking beer, I found Judy seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "Here, Hon. When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Redneck Monday On Tuesday and A Little Old Man

As most of you know, we have spent the last eight days in LA, Long Beach and San Diego for my ship’s reunion. We had a great time. I drank plenty of beer and other stuff, ate some good food, laughed more than should be aloud by law and shed a few tears at the Saturday night memorial to the lost 74. Damn, I know some great guys and gals. I wish you could meet some of ’em.

One new guy who came was a ‘Plank Owner’ (First crew to be on her when she is commissioned.) He is 88 years old and was 15 years old when he joined the Navy during WWII. He has so many war stories, but the one that impressed me is his life outside the Navy. He met his wife in a drugstore in Long Beach, but she wouldn’t have anything to do with him (Navy and all that stuff - plus she was in the 10th grade. He was just 15, remember?). He found out her name from another waitress and ask her what time she got off. She said it didn’t matter because her boyfriend was picking her up. He told her there would be two to meet her then.

They went out as much as a sailor and high school girl could until he was transferred to NY. They wrote. He got out of the Navy and went to work. When he realized it was time for her graduation, he wrote her and said he was coming to CA. She said she he would be lonesome because she was going to Wisconsin to visit family for a few months, so he quit his job and went to see her there. Then he told her he was going to CA to get a job so he could afford to marry her. She said she was already engaged. He just laughed and said he would see her when she got back. Three months later they were married. She was the only girl he ever dated or even kissed. She passed two years ago, and he is just now getting out. His niece brought him to SD.

A little old man with a cane who refuses to give up. I was so impressed with him.

Anyreunion, back to Redneck Monday. Here is your Redneck Monday for yesterday. We’ve been so busy touring and gabbing and stuff that I just didn’t have time nor WIFI last week and was just too damn tired Sunday night to put one together. Sorry!

So, here goes:

He's so deaf, he can't hear himself fart.

If frogs had wings, they wouldn't bump their asses when they land.

He's so tight that his ass squeaks when he walks.

I'd like to have two of those coats. One to shit on, and the other to cover it up with.

He'd fuck a snake if you'd hold its head.

He was like a blind dog in a meat house.

He's so thin-skinned, it's just barely enough to keep him from bleeding to death.

You’re just offering me one beer? Do those things come like dead men, one to a box?

He'd drive a wooden Indian crazy.

I'm so tickled I can't get my leg down.

She had a voice that would chip paint.

I'm not saying she's ugly, but I wouldn't fuck her with your dick.

In response to "have a good one," or "have a nice one," the answer is: "I already
have a good one. I'd just like a bigger one (or a tighter one)."

He's so weak, he couldn't pull a sick whore off a douche pot.

Her cooking is so bad, I'd rather had a cold scab sandwich and a glass of snot.

My allergies are so bad, my nose is running faster than I can eat it.

Don't let your bulldog mouth overload your hummingbird ass.

If that was my kid, I'd kill him and tell God he died.

She claims she's middle-aged, but she's been around since Jesus was a baby.

We go back a long way. I've known him since dirt was new.

It's raining cats and dogs. I should know. I just stepped in a poodle.

Madder than a queer with tonsillitis on Valentine's Day.

I know you can’t help bein ugly...but you could at least stayed home.

She's swellin' up like a big ol' dawg!

You know I wouldn't shit you. You're my favorite turd.

That coffee is too thick to drink and too thin to plow.

That makes my ass want a dip of snuff.

If Madonna was performing in my back yard, I'd draw the drapes.

He was farting like a pack mule.

Tell him I said for him to go pound salt up his ass with a wire brush.

He's as nellie as pink ink, but give him a ball of twine and a box of hairpins and he could rebuild Versailles.

He's so skinny, he's only got one stripe on his pajamas.

Monday, September 20, 2010

I'm Trying To Get Home

I am in Los Angeles tonight and will be coming home on Monday night, arriving in the ATL on Tuesday morning at 6:00 a.m.

I am exhausted, too. It has been a very busy week with the tours, the meetings, the memorials to the 74, and just jaw-jacking with my old Navy buddies. And a drink or two, too. Kinda! Somewhat! Ummm! Okay, I was drunk. Ya happy?

If you can believe it, in this day and time, that a hotel like the Hilton, in a town like San Diego, with all the visiting families of the Military peeps stationed there and the business conventions that go on, they would be updated to where one could have WIFI in their room, and that someone could write a sentence half this long. But nope! The only computer area was in their computer room (for $11 per day) or the lobby. That is not conducive to nude blogging (well…may in San Francisco.) Anyway, I have not been on-line since Tuesday night. And I miss you peeps, too.

So when I get home I will have plenty of catching up to do before I head back out on Thursday on my New York transport run. Plus, Judy’s mom (Dot) and her sister and brother-in-law are coming in on Wednesday for a week. I am so excited. Kill me now.

What I did find out that totally took me by surprise is that some of my Navy Association peeps have been reading my blog (lurking) everyday. And some have been forwarding some of my FB stuff, too. I wasn’t even able to lie my way out of anything. They have seen it up close and personal. So all I could do was try and talk them into starting their own blog. I might be getting some new peeps to read soon. I hope so.

And if any of you are interested, my pussy-gnawed hand is almost back to normal. The swelling is down, but the bite wounds and the heal of my hand are still very sensitive. But I will survive.

I’ll try to get some pictures posted later, too. Till then, I’ll just keep popping in as I get the chance.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

A Pussy Kicked My Ass

I have always had a pretty good relationship with pussies of all kind. I’ve enjoyed some when the feelings were not reciprocated and I have had some try to cling to me when I just as soon the would leave. But I have to say that for the most part I have had a very rewarding and satisfactory relationship to both sides…until Sunday night at the Atlanta Airport.

Let me give you a little back story. As I told you yesterday, this dude off’ed himself and left two very cute little pussycats. Somehow a shelter received the cats and was in contact with the dumbass’s relatives in CA. The shelter lady called Dr. Amber to see if she had any ideas on how to get the cats to the family.

In the mean time, Judy and I have plans to go to CA and, thought some cancellations by the airline, we were having to go through LAX (the very same Los Angelis were the family lives) to get to San Diego. So we were asked to take them with us. All we had to do was carry them on as one of a carry-on and give them to the lady meeting us in CA. Easy enoughNo problem!

So the details are worked out with the CA couple, and the airlines was call to find out their requirements and what they would need. The dimensions of the pet carry was give (they would have to be stored under the seat in front of us.) So we arrive at the said airport, check in at the counter and get the proper tags on the cages. We didn’t know how long or what the procedure would be, so we came a few hours early. We set in the waiting area the whole time. Came time to board, they let us board and said crates would not fit under the seat. After heated discussions and shit, we had to deplane and talk to a supervisor. The only solution was to buy …fucking BUY… a soft side pet carrier… for $50. We reluctantly agreed, but the plane left without us.

More hell raising ensued. So she booked us on the next flight. But the ass kicking part came in swapping those little furry pussies for one crate to the other. All the excitement and jostling didn’t set well with them. Soooo…the one I was transferring decided he/she/it didn’t want to go. Thus a struggle of gigantic proportions ensued with me getting the worst of it. Blood running scratches in my hands, arms and leg from some claws that could be used to pick up blocks of like. But the worst thing was…he/she/it bit me on the hand just behind the thumb. He/she/it was latched on for all it’s worth. However, I finally got in the cage.

I was bleeding pretty severely and walked across the hall to the men’s room to wash off the wounds and to stop the bleeding. Funny how people will stop, move over or turn away with Bleeding Man Walking comes by. Funny actually. The dumb ass supervisor offered me a band aid.

Anyscratch, on the flight my hand was getting more sore as the time passed. By the time I got to the motel, my hand was swollen and I couldn’t bend my thumb. Went to the care center today and was put on antibiotics. Cat bites are very infectious. The pictures below were made at the clinic, and the left hand swelled even more to the point were I couldn’t bend my thumb at all. I think the antibiotics are working because the swelling has stopped and I am not hurting like before. I could grip nothing and trying to hold something as small as a slip of paper was enough to bring a grunt.

(Right hand with scratches)

(Left hand with the bite and the swelling)

That pussy whipped my ass. But we did tour Long Beach. Unfortunately the city is so modern now I did see anything to remind me of the early 60’s. The huge Navy base is even gone. No fun for me.

Riding through town I could see in my mind hundreds of sailors in the uniform of the day walking the streets. All the bars are gone now and, well, I’m just glad I am leaving tomorrow.

More later, peeps!

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Time For My Navy Reunion and Other Stuff

I will be off line and only be checking in sporadically the next week (okay…I hear the screaming and clapping and all the joyous ruckus out there - now cut it out.) Judy and I are flying out to California today for 8 days of vacation fun together and three days of fellowship with a bunch of old Navy pals. It is my ship’s reunion being held in San Diego this year.

However, the trip is not without its woes. Well, woes for me. I will be traveling with more pussy than I care to deal with. Let me explain.

Due to some scheduling cancellations and other shit, we are having to fly into Los Angeles’ LAX.

My daughter, Dr Amber, found out we were going to LA and wanted us to help her out. A man here committed suicide. I know…tough, right? Well, this unfortunate dumb ass had two cats that he had imported or something and he loved them very much (though not enough to say alive for, I guess) and his family in California wanted them. For some reason the airlines wouldn’t let Amber ship them as cargo. Something to do with the heat in the cargo hole before take off and stuff. Any meow, they would let them go as carry-on luggage. Sooooo, here is Step-Dad and Mom going exactly where the little shits needed to go. The family paid for the trip and we get to take them.

After the meet-up, we are driving to Long Beach to see my old homeport when I was stationed there. I am looking forward to that.

Then on Tuesday we are driving on down to San Diego where we will be staying here…

I have a board meeting Tuesday afternoon (I have been ask to be the Director of Communication for the organization.) Then we will spend Wednesday in Balboa Park and the Zoo.

The reunion is over Sunday morning and we will drive back up to LA to see a few sites. I want to see the La Bsra Tar Pits and some other tourist traps stuff. Then we will fly back home Monday night, getting into ATL around five in the morning.

So, I will be checking in and maybe even commenting, but not everyday (I don’t think). Any loneliness, I will be thinking about you and missing you guys. So don’t post any good stuff till I get back, okay. Thanks! I knew I could count on you.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Thursday, September 09, 2010

Fractured Nursery Rhymes

You moms out there. Are you up to snuff on your nursery rhymes? You passing along these bits of gems to your brats…uh…precious ones? Are you tired of the same old shit? Try these out and see if the kiddies catch on and ask which versions they like best. Such a nurturing experience…

Mary had a little skirt
with splits right up the sides,
and every time that Mary walked
the boys could see her thighs.
Mary had another skirt
twas split right up the front,
...but she didn't wear that one very often.

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
her clothes all tattered and torn.
It wasn't the spider that crept up beside her,
but Little Boy Blue and his horn.

Simple Simon met a pieman, going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pieman,
"What have you got there?"
Said the pieman unto Simon,
"Pies, you dickhead!"

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king's horses and all the king's men
Said, "Fuck him, he's only an egg."

Hickory Dickery Dock
Three mice ran up the clock.
The clock struck one
And knocked the shit out of it.

Mary had a little lamb.
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its ass
and turned it into nylon.


Mary had a little lamb.
She tied it to a heater.
Every time it turned around
It burnt his little elbow.

Georgie Porgy pudding 'n pie
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
he kissed them too, 'cause he's gay.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
to have some hanky panky.
Silly Jill forgot her pill,
and now there's little Frankie

HBC to AAB - Obama Lie Again?

This was sent to me by my bud, Ed. I have to assume Travis is a true person, but what he says is totally true. I have heard it from those who are involved that the same guys are still there, just call by a different name. Just another example of how Obama misleads and lies to the American people.

Hey, everybody! I just wanted to send a quick update and give y'all the REAL story on what's going on over here with the troop withdrawal.

The picture is of my crew and I on a break during a mission. The guy to the far left is my gunner (Burks) and the guy in the middle is my driver (Mizell). They go with me on every mission and are great guys.

The reason I'm sending this out is because I have had a few people ask if I left Iraq early because all of the combat troops are out of Iraq and I wanted to let everyone know the real deal. It's kind of ridiculous how the news is saying that the last of the "combat" troops are out of Iraq because of Pres Obama. He says that it was his campaign promise.

Take our Brigade for example. We were originally called a HBCT (Heavy Brigade Combat Team). Well, since Obama said he would pull all of the "combat" troops out by Aug, all they did before we left was change our name from a HBCT to a AAB (Advise and Assist Brigade). We have the same personnel/equipment layout as before and are doing the same missions. The ONLY difference is that they changed our name from a HBCT to an AAB and that's how he is getting away with saying that he has pulled all of the "combat" troops out.

It is really ridiculous what he's doing and he has ticked a lot of people off. And it's funny how the media is buying all of it, too. So no the last combat troops are not out of Iraq. We are still here. There are other Brigades just like ours that are doing the same missions that are still over here. Sorry for going on about it but we are just sitting over here watching it and are like "You've got to be kidding me!" So anyway now you know the REAL story, so that's why I'm not coming back early. You have to watch those liberals, they're sneaky! Anyways I hope everyone is doing well and I'll see you soon!


"Keep your trust in God.
Your government is failing you miserably."

Wednesday, September 08, 2010


My friend, Mary, sent these to me and I have to say I got quiet a chuckle out of them.

See any you need?

Little Old Ladies Out For A Drive

Parked on the side of the road waiting to catch speeding drivers, a state trooper sees a car puttering along at 22 mph. He thinks to himself, "This driver is as dangerous as a speeder!"

So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back, wide-eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand. I was going the exact speed limit . What seems to be the problem?"

The trooper trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before you go, Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken."?

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Highway 127

Tuesday, September 07, 2010

The Drover and the Croc

An Australian Drover walks into a bar with a pet crocodile by his side. He puts the crocodile up on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons.

'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the croc will then close his mouth for one minute. At that time he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.'

The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his Credentials and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.

The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.

After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the crocodile really, really hard on the top of its head.

The croc opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks was delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly spoke up..........

'I'll try it - but you have to promise not hit me so hard.’

Republican vs Democratic Women

Monday, September 06, 2010

Senior Church Moments

A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that could pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave.

Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the city stands up and proclaims,

"If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"

The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says,

"If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!

"More sighs and loud applause.

Joe Tavares stands up and says ,if the preacher stays I will provide him with all the wine he wants.

Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the Preacher stays, I will give him sex!"

There is total silence. The Preacher, blushing, asks her, "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?"

Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies,

"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, "Screw him!"

Isn't senility wonderful?
Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth!!

Redneck Monday - Some Mo Gooder Stuff

More good stuff fer yo vocalcalabuary advancement:

'Bout as useful as a prefabricated post hole.

If your aunt had nuts she'd be your uncle.

Yer mouth runs like a boarding house toilet.

That’s about as useful as tits on a nun or balls on a priest.

God gave men two heads but only enough blood to run one at a time.

A gallant retreat is better than a bad stand.

High as giraffe nuts.

That's as hard as pickin’ the fly dung out of pepper.

Life is what you need, love is what you want.

That SOB has the nerve of a government mule.

I'm hotter than a mess of collard greens on the back burner of a $4 stove.

That's just like wiping your ass with a wagon wheel. There just ain't no end to it.

I'm not going to let this turn into a jack-off contest.

He's lower than a snake's belly in a wagon rut.

That woman learned how to whisper in a saw mill.

I'm going to see to it that it happens, even if it harelips the governor.

I'll have my usual Mexican breakfast--a piss and a cigarette.

That kid ain't through climbing fool's hill yet.

I don't care how they handle it cause I ain't got no dog in this fight.

We'll have to save this argument until later when he's not loaded up on loudmouth soup. (drinking)

After all you've had to drink, that will run through you like a dose of salts.

I've stepped over better than you looking for a place to jack off.

He's as broke as the Ten Commandments.

If God had intended for Texans to ski, he would have made bullshit white.

He wouldn't say "shit" if he had a mouthful of it.

As far as going out with him, I'd rather be in hell with a broken back and colon cancer.

Eisenhower won the election by such a landslide that when he died they were still picking gravel out of his ass.

She's put so many miles on that pussy that it's just hanging open like a pea-coat sleeve.

In those high heels, she looks mighty like a barrel on pegs.

Are those your thighs, or do you have on riding pants?

This is just like fucking a skunk. I've had about all of this good shit I can handle.

Sunday, September 05, 2010

Newt's Super Statement

This is the most clearly stated, sensible, and historically accurate statement that I’ve read on this issue (and I’ve read a lot of them).

Statement on the Proposed “Cordoba House” Mosque near Ground Zero

Newt Gingrich (The best, most qualified man who will never be President - but should be.)

July 21, 2010 6pm
There should be no mosque near Ground Zero in New York so long as there are no churches or synagogues in Saudi Arabia. The time for double standards that allow Islamists to behave aggressively toward us while they demand our weakness and submission is over.

The proposed "Cordoba House" overlooking the World Trade Center site – where a group of jihadists killed over 3000 Americans and destroyed one of our most famous landmarks - is a test of the timidity, passivity and historic ignorance of American elites. For example, most of them don’t understand that “Cordoba House” is a deliberately insulting term. It refers to Cordoba, Spain – the capital of Muslim conquerors who symbolized their victory over the Christian Spaniards by transforming a church there into the world’s third-largest mosque complex.

Today, some of the Mosque’s backers insist this term is being used to "symbolize interfaith cooperation" when, in fact, every Islamist in the world recognizes Cordoba as a symbol of Islamic conquest. It is a sign of their contempt for Americans and their confidence in our historic ignorance that they would deliberately insult us this way.

Those Islamists and their apologists who argue for "religious toleration" are arrogantly dishonest. They ignore the fact that more than 100 mosques already exist in New York City. Meanwhile, there are no churches or synagogues in all of Saudi Arabia. In fact no Christian or Jew can even enter Mecca. And they lecture us about tolerance.

If the people behind the Cordoba House were serious about religious toleration, they would be imploring the Saudis, as fellow Muslims, to immediately open up Mecca to all and immediately announce their intention to allow non-Muslim houses of worship in the Kingdom. They should be asked by the news media if they would be willing to lead such a campaign.

We have not been able to rebuild the World Trade Center in nine years. Now we are being told a 13 story, $100 million mega-mosque will be built within a year overlooking the site of the most devastating surprise attack in American history. Finally where is the money coming from? The people behind the Cordoba
House refuse to reveal all their funding sources.

America is experiencing an Islamist cultural-political offensive designed to undermine and destroy our civilization. Sadly, too many of our elites are the willing apologists for those who would destroy them if they could.

No mosque.

No self deception.

No surrender.

The time to take a stand is now - at this site on this issue.

If, after reading this, you agree with it, please pass it on to others. This is the most clearly stated, sensible, and historically accurate statement that I’ve read on this issue (and I’ve read a lot of them). Why can’t we have a President as intelligent, educated, and patriotic as this former Speaker of the House?