Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Happy Redneck New Years

Happy Redneck New Years from me and the misses …

 And the cousins/brothers/nephews, too.

Monday, December 23, 2013

Christmas Gift Suggestions

For all my Peeps out there (especially women) who are trying to figure out what to give that special someone for Christmas, here are a few ideas and explanations on what they are for and what to expect from each one.

A portable cutting tool used to make boards too short.

An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

Cleans paint off bolts and then throw them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light.  It also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes to say, "OH SHIT"!

A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

Used to round off bolt heads.  Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija Bard principle.  It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads.  If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your shop and creating a fire.  Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing.

A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.  Very effective for digit removal!!!

Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new break shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut large pieces into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of all the crap you forgot to disconnect.

Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under the lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil can and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

A tool for opening paint cans.  Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a .50 cent part.

A tool used to make plastic pipe too short.

Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit. 

Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door.  It works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.  It is also especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while wearing them.  It an easily remove any unwanted digits, too.

And Finally

This is any handy tool you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "SON OF A BITCH" at the top your lungs.  It is frequently the next tool that you will need, too. 

I hope this is helpful in making those thoughtful gifts that will last (and maim) for a lifetime. 


Thursday, December 19, 2013

What Is...

Did You Get These Wrong, Too?

1. What's in front of a woman and back of a cow?
A. The letter W
2. What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval & delicious?
A. Coconut 3. What's about 6 inches long and has a vein running down it that women love to get their hands on? A. 100 Dollar Bills 4. What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky? A. Bubblegum 5. What is that a woman has two and a cow has four? A. legs 6. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard. A. chewing gum
7. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a big swinger.
A. crane
8. You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up I get wet before you do. A. tent
9. When I go in I cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole. A. dentist
10. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. A. Wedding Ring
11. All day long, it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. A. Elevator
12. I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good. A. Nose
13. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When come, it's news. A. Newspaper Boy
14. I offer Protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off. A. Glove

Monday, December 16, 2013

Laws We Live Under That Will Drive You Crazy

I saw this and copied if from somewhere but forgot to take down who I got it from.    
So if it was one of my Peeps here, I apologize for not giving you credit. 

If it is not one of you, then forget what I said above and instead appreciate my brilliance.


LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR – After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee.

LAW OF GRAVITY – Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

LAW OF PROBABILITY – The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

LAW OF RANDOM NUMBERS – If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

LAW OF THE ALIBI – If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

VARIATION LAW – If you change lanes, the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

LAW OF THE BATH – When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

LAW OF CLOSE ENCOUNTERS – The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

LAW OF THE RESULT – When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.

LAW OF BIOMECHANICS – The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

LAW OF THE THEATER AND FOOTBALL STADIUM – At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance.

THE COFFEE LAW – As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

MURPHY’S LAW OF LOCKERS – If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

LAW OF PHYSICAL SURFACES – The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
LAW OF LOGICAL ARGUMENT – Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.

LAW OF PHYSICAL APPEARANCE – If the clothes fit, they’re ugly.

LAW OF PUBLIC SPEAKING – A closed mouth gathers no feet.

LAW OF COMMERCIAL MARKETING STRATEGY – As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

DOCTORS’ LAW – If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you’ll feel better. But don’t make an appointment, and you’ll stay sick.

LAW OF AUTO REPAIR – You will have to reach into the customer’s new car with greasy hands and turn on the key/change the position of the wheels or shift lever.

LAW OF GRAVITY – Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.  If you are working on a car, a bolt or nut will fall into a void in the frame or body that cannot be accessed without removing some major body part. If it does fall all the way through, it will go to the geographic center of the car.

LAW OF PHYSICAL SURFACES – The chances are an open-faced jelly sandwich will land face down on a floor, and is directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

LAW OF FAILURE FAILURE – All laws of failure will reverse themselves at the point when you attempt to demonstrate said failure to anyone else.

LAW OF EQUIPMENT FAILURE – That the more important a task be accomplished within a time schedule, it is inevitable the copier/printer will decide to break down.