Thursday, April 12, 2007

Being Southern

There are some great things about being Southern. For example, every Southerner loves grits. It is required, or you have to leave your family behind and move up North. Grits also has a meaning other than pure breakfast nirvana. It is also an acronym for Girls Raised In The South.

Southern Women are made different than those from other areas. For example:

Southern women appreciate their natural assets:
Clean skin.
A winning smile.
That unforgettable Southern drawl.

Southern women know their manners:
"Yes, ma'am."
"Yes, sir."
"Why, no, Billy!"

Southern women have a distinct way with fond expressions:
"Y'all come back!"
"Well, bless your heart."
"Drop by when you can."
"How's your Momma?"

Southern women know their summer weather report:

Southern women know their vacation spots:
The beach
The rivuh
The crick

Southern women know the joys of June, July, and August:
Colorful hi-heel sandals
Strapless sun dresses
Iced sweet tea with mint

Southern women know everybody's first name:

Southern women know the movies that speak to their hearts:
Fried Green Tomatoes
Driving Miss Daisy
Steel Magnolias
Gone With The Wind

Southern women know their religions:

Southern women know their country breakfasts:
Red-eye or Sawmill gravy
Country ham
Mouth-watering homemade biscuits with momma's homemade jelly and butter.

Southern women know their cities dripping with Southern charm:
Foat Wuth

Southern women know their elegant gentlemen:
Men in uniform.
Men in tuxedos
Rhett Butler

Southern girls know their prime real estate:
The Mall
The Country Club
The Beauty Salon

Southern girls know the 3 deadly sins:
Having bad hair and nails
Having bad manners
Cooking bad food

But being Southern isn’t only for women. No, sir! Everyone born and reared in the South is taught many things that baffle the interlopers from the North. It is things only Southerners know, such as:

Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.

Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."
Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."

Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, as in: "Going to town, be back directly."

Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.

All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.

Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!

Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.

Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.

No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.

Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines; that when we're "in line," we talk to everybody!

Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.

In the South, y'all is singular, all y'all is plural.

Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.

Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.

When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!

Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.
Contrary to whatever you Yankees have been told, "macaroni and cheese" is a vegetable. Don't ya'll know that mac & cheese goes so well with taters and gravy, you just can't have enough starch in your diet.

And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her heart" ... and go your own way.

To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southerness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning. Bless your heart!

And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff, ... bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have classes on Southernness as a second language!

And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, all y'all need a sign to hang on y'alls front porch that reads "I ain't from the South, but I got here as fast as I could."

Southern girls know men may come and go, but friends are fahevah !

Now...... Shugah, send this to someone who was raised in the South or wish they had been!

And, Shugah, if you're a Northern transplant, bless your little heart, fake it. We know you got here as fast as you could.


Pamela said...

I like grits with butter, bless your heart.

The closest I've been is Delaware and the the airport in Atlanta

Marni said...

I'm sittin' here eatin' my grits as I read this... everything is SOOOO true!

Coffeypot said...

pamela: I have my grits with cheese and butter - with plenty of pepper, too. Man, I'm fixing to go get a bowl now.

I reared you right. The day MUST start with coffee and a bowl of grits.

Cup said...

I'm proud to be a Southern girl!

a/k/a Nadine said...

I LOVE sweet tea. I miss it as much as I miss anything else about living in Florida. You certainly can't get it up in these parts. I took to the grits (butter and salt, please) and sweet tea with ease. And the y'alls too!

KLee said...

This is great! I plan on stealing it for my own blog!

:) Bless your heart!

Coffeypot said...

Beth, as you should be.

Nadine, how the world was conquered and tamed without sweet tea is beyond me. You should write your government representatives and demand they make it a law that sweet tea be the national drink. Amen!

Klee, bless your thieving heart. It is not mine to say yea or nay, but I would be honored if you did use it. How’s that for being a Southern Gentleman? I would kiss your hand if I were near you.

Heidi the Hick said...

this is great!

As you know I'm an Ontario farm girl but I do know that the Sowwwwth is contagious. We had an opportunity to move to Memphis Tennessee three months after our wedding. Immigration didn't feel the need to let us, but we got two trips there and I'd go back for a visit any day. I am sure that there must be some scientific explanation for the way that accent sinks into a person.

It's a THANG!!

katy said...

oh oh i have eaten grits an i loved em, bless your heart!

Coffeypot said...

Heidi, there ain’t no scientific reason for Southerneese to sink into you skin. It is natural born God given English that is natural to speak. Yes! God given. God lives in Heaven – on the South Side. And He eats grits, too – with bacon.

Next time y’all come South, come on down to Georgia, ya hear? We’ll be awaitin fer ya. We’ll even share a jug.

Her Indoors, Bless you, too. Add some cheese, salt and pepper to those grits and you will be hooked for life. Why, you will slap you kids silly if they try to get a bit.

GrizzBabe said...

I am a born and bred Southerner and grits had to grow on me. Now I love them! Lots of butter and salt and not too runny.

I rarely drink tea because caffeine does not agree with me but I was craving sweet tea so much that I bought some decaf tea bags that I plan to break open today.

Would you like a little tea with your sugar?

Coffeypot said...

grizzbabe, you bet!!!

DJ Andi said...

My Dad grew up in Little Rock, AR. I always thought that was the south, but then he told me when he came to Atlanta to go to school at Georgia Tech and he put sugar in his grits and everyone laughed at him, I just couldn't believe he had never had grits.

My brother in-law has transplanted from Atlanta to New Jersey. I was just up there in March and he made the comment that he hadn't heard fixin in so long, but that he had missed it. I guess I didn't realize how often I say it, but it is just so natural.

Also, I love the southern movies and religions...too funny.


Biddie said...

Ummm....I don't think that I have ever had grits, either.
Bless MY heart?

SkippyMom said...

I enjoyed this immensely...I cannot tell you how much. I am smiling behind my fan, was simply a delicious little articawl [article].....Bless your heart....

Missed you old man! Give my best hugs to you & Sweet tea....