Monday, September 17, 2007

Coffeypot the Sage

Words of wisdom from the sage, Coffeypot

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal the neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything.

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.

Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

If a first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world.

Going to church does not make you a Christian anymore than going to McDonald’s makes you a hamburger.

A coincidence is when God performs a miracle, and decides to remain anonymous.

Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.

Life is like an onion; you peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself.

Following the path of least resistance is what makes rivers and men crooked.

Life is 10% of what happens to you, and 90% of how you respond to it.

Only in America… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in America… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Only in America… do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry and a diet coke.

Only in America… do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage.

Only in America… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

Only in America… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America… do we use the word “politics” to describe the process so well: “Poli” in Latin meaning “many” and “tics” meaning “blood-sucking creatures.

And you wonder why I like to smell gasoline.


Old Lady said...

There is also the great and famous quote, "You may prick your finger, but you can't finger your...."

her indoors said...

you did bring a smile to my face coffeypot, and for that i thank you :-)

cooper green said...

The disabled parking spot at the skating rink reminds me of a true story here several years ago. A strip club was forced to close because the stripper's stage (with the pole) wasn't wheelchair accessible.

And here's one from a book I just finished: "Children are like champagne corks. They should be pointed away and released".

coffeypot said...

OL - You can't??!!?? What have I been doing all these years?

HI - Good!

CG - What? Was there a stripper who wanted to dance in her wheelchair, or was it that someone who was in a wheelchair couldn't get close enough to the stage? If the former, why would she need a pole? And if it’s the latter, I assume because he cannot get his own pole, he wanted one to hang on too? Either way, the strippers should have united and danced with their clothes on in protest.

Rising Rainbow said...

This is quite a list!

coffeypot said...

RR - thanks for stopping by. Yes, it is a long list, but I tend to ramble, anyway. I went to your site and love the horses. My granddaughter, Bug, will be your new bff. She LOVES horses.

Pamela said...

that stripper wheelchair thingy reminds me of the office I worked for about 7 years ago. I was on the third floor, so of course that is where they put the handicap accessible toilet/restroom.
It had a sign on the left of the door that was written in braille. Some remodeling was done and that sign was moved to the right hand side of the door.

The sign ended up on the left hand side of my office door.

It probably said The Bathroom is at the door to the right.

Pamela said...

I read your list aloud to my hubby and his sis.

We enjoyed much

e.Craig said...

That's been around a few times, but it's always a good read.

Biddie said...

Words to live by! Your only in America is true in Canada, too. Well, except that we buy our weenies in packs of 12, but the buns are still packs of 8. What's with that, anyway??

Biddie said...

I don't know of any wheelchair bound strippers, either. Maybe that really is only in America???

coffeypot said...

Pamela – I was in the men’s room at a ballgame and this blind man came in and stopped. I guess he was trying to decide which way to turn to find the urinals, so I asked him if I could help him. He said no that he could do it himself if he could just find the damn urinals. I walked out laughing. I’m glad you hubby and sis-in-law enjoyed the read. I aim to please.

WELL!!! I hope I didn’t bore you. Actually, I agree with you that it probably has, but it is my duty to pass along any thing I consider worthy of distribution. There may be one person out there who hasn’t seen it, and, if so, my job is done.

Biddy – I was told one time that the reason is most people do not eat all the hotdogs with a bun. They may eat two, but then they just pick up the remaining dogs and eat them without the bun. So why waist the bread? Sounds like a mixture of truth and bull shit to me.

And if there are wheelchair strippers, what do they do with the bag? Put a fuzzy garter around it? I wonder if they do splits, too.

Jordan said...

It's been awhile since I've seen those.. but it's always fun to read them again.

Thanks for stopping by.

Casdok said...

I love sayings...thank you!