Quotable Quotes

“Have you ever noticed… anyone going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”... George Carlin

“You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started waling five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now and we don’t know where the hell she is.”... Ellen DeGeneris

“I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.”... Rita Rudner

“I would love to speak a foreign language, but I can’t. So I grew hair under my arms instead.”... Sue Kolinsky

“I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No Pain; No Pain.”... Carol Leifer

“I have a great diet. You’re allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people.”... Ed Bluestone

“The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you’re off it.”... Jackie Gleason

“I went into a McDonald’s yesterday and said, ‘I’d like some fries.’ The girl at the counter said, ‘Would you like some fries with that?’”... Jay Leno

“I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.”... Dave Edison

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight.”... George Goble

“Don’t spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They’ll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.”... Billiam Coronel

“PCs should have next to the ‘Intel Inside’ sticker, an additional label that says, ‘Best if used by _______’.”... Unknown

“During the heat of the space race in the 1960’s, the U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) decided it needed a ball-point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of about $241 million dollars. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on Earth. The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.”... Unknown

“If Bigamy is having one wife too many, Monogamy is the same.”... Oscar Wilde

“The graduate with a Science degree asks, “Why does it work?”
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, “How does it work?”
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?”
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?”... Unknown

“I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I’m a vegetarian because I have plants.”... A.Whitney Brown

“The Lord’s Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, there are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence, but government regulations on the sale of cabbage totaled 26,911 words.”... Dave Barry

“Half of the people in the world are below average.”... Dave Barry

“If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s live, she will choose to save the infant’s life without considering if there are men on base.”... Dave Barry

“Somebody hits me; I’m going to hit him back. Even if it does look like he hasn’t eaten in a while.”... Charles Barkley, after blatantly elbowing an Angolan basketball opponent in the Olympics

“Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress…but I repeat myself.”... Mark Twain

“A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. ‘Mind if I have a few?’ he asks. ‘No, not at all,’ the woman replied. They chat for an hour and as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that he had empied the bowl. ‘I’m terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts; I really just meant to eat a few.’ ‘Oh, that’s all right,’ the woman says. ‘Ever since I lost my teeth all I can do is suck the chocolate off them.”... Unknown