Monday, February 15, 2010

Redneck Monday - Redneck Horoscope

Rednecks are pretty skeptical of horoscopes and the people that read them. If we are to ever fully understand all the zodiac signs and the people they represent, we need symbols that all true Rednecks understand.

When you drive around small towns you see bulls, and once in a great while a ram. Somewhere in town there are a pair of twins or two, but you don't see them much. The rest of those ancient things are just too obscure. You only see crabs on vacation. There are no lions or scorpions; not many archers and no dang'd water bearers. Virgins? The neighborhood's not crawling with them either.

So, what Southern Rednecks need here is some relevance. They need things they can recognize. That's why they have created a new set of astrological signs for Southern Rednecks. So, Here's your sign:

Dec 22 - Jan 20
Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okra have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies!

Jan 21 - Feb 19

Chitlins often come from humble backgrounds. Many times they're uncomfortable talking about just where they came from. A chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he's motivated and has plenty of seasoning. When it comes to dealing with Chitlins, be very careful. Chitlins can burn and then erupt like Vesuvius, and this can make for a really terrible mess. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra. Remember that when marriage time rolls around.

Feb 20- Mar 20

You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.

Mar 21- April 20

You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It's a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.

APR 21 - May 21

When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don't-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won't work and you may find your problems actually running you over.

May 22 - June 21

Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living room. You tend to be not particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads.

June 22- July 23

Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the "melting pot" of life and share their essence with the essence of those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.

July 24 - Aug 23

Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one: Whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. Your catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

Aug 24 - Sept 23

Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel, thought so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well.

Sept 24 - Oct 23
You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best -- your friends and loved ones-may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.

October 24 - Nov 22

Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.

Nov 23 - Dec 21

You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another somewhat kinky, mating possibility.


Kanani said...

ha ha ha! MOON PIE!

Paxford said...


Anyone know an Armidillo? ;D


Callsign Sherpa said...

I thought I learned to love grits back in my basic-training chow hall. Now I find out that it's my sign?! Kind of a Popeye-like "I yam what I yam" epiphany this morning, Coffeypot, thanks! Now ... time for breakfast!

Dulce said...

Looking for grits.. where are they?

Anonymous said...

This was well thought out, but it's gonna be tough to keep up with it for a whole year.

Anonymous said...

I love this one! I'm collard greens ...

Hillbilly Duhn said...

Yay! I'm a butter bean. Haha This was funny as all get up. You need to come up with one for hillbillies and I'll proudly post my hillbilly zodiac on my sidebar!!

Golden To Silver Val said...

Finally! I can now understand why my ex was/is so weird....he's not in his right mind!!!!