Thursday, September 09, 2010

Fractured Nursery Rhymes

You moms out there. Are you up to snuff on your nursery rhymes? You passing along these bits of gems to your brats…uh…precious ones? Are you tired of the same old shit? Try these out and see if the kiddies catch on and ask which versions they like best. Such a nurturing experience…

Mary had a little skirt
with splits right up the sides,
and every time that Mary walked
the boys could see her thighs.
Mary had another skirt
twas split right up the front,
...but she didn't wear that one very often.

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
her clothes all tattered and torn.
It wasn't the spider that crept up beside her,
but Little Boy Blue and his horn.

Simple Simon met a pieman, going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pieman,
"What have you got there?"
Said the pieman unto Simon,
"Pies, you dickhead!"

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king's horses and all the king's men
Said, "Fuck him, he's only an egg."

Hickory Dickery Dock
Three mice ran up the clock.
The clock struck one
And knocked the shit out of it.

Mary had a little lamb.
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its ass
and turned it into nylon.


Mary had a little lamb.
She tied it to a heater.
Every time it turned around
It burnt his little elbow.

Georgie Porgy pudding 'n pie
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
he kissed them too, 'cause he's gay.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
to have some hanky panky.
Silly Jill forgot her pill,
and now there's little Frankie


ScoMan said...

Simple Simon met a pieman
Playing with a knife
The pieman said to Simple Simon
"Can I take your life?"
Said Simple Simon to the pieman
"When the time is right"
The pieman said to Simple Simon
"Then you'll die tonight"

rxBambi said...

oh my gosh are you really andrew dice clay reincarnated?

mary mary quite contrary
shave that pussy
it's so damn hairy

rxBambi said...

little boy blew

he needed the money

Coffeypot said...

Great additions, guys, and rxBambi, ADC was one of my idols back in the day.

middle child said...

Just a comment on your comment on my blog. I know I won't need my handcuffs but did you want me to bring my own whip?

Unknown said...

Happy Friday to you, Mr. CoffeyPot!

Lickety Splitter said...

Next think I know, you will be tweaking "The Old Gray Mare."

Child's play definitely isn't what it used to be ;)

Lickety Splitter said...

Oops, meant to say ... "next thing I know"

Momma Fargo said...

OH my. Spit my coffee and peed my pants because those were very funny little rants.

gayle said...

My daughter said I had to stop reading my grandson "Pussy Cat Pussy Cat where have you been".........because when she was trying on clothes in a dept. store...he was yelling...about pussy.

Omg!! I can't believe I just told that!!

The Queen said...

Found you through your comments all over the net.. they were so damn funny, I had to come check out your blog... you are now among the men I love.
you lucky lucky devil!

Ducky said...

I can ALWAYS always count on you to make me smile....that's really quite the super power to weild you know.

Anonymous said...

..pieman playing with a knife,
..can I take the money in your life,
..when the time is right,
..then you'll dine to night...

and pigs might...

Anonymous said... damcles ranger?

Anonymous said...

well rememberred scoman